Still not as bad as when we lost to Iran...

And like a low rated television sitcom we are back from hiatus just in time to be the only new episodes shown in the summer…

Monday Weigh In: Still at 205.5 pounds but I have to consider that a bit of an accomplishment given the events of the past two weeks. There was a bachelor party weekend in there (where you can’t really try to pull the whole “I’m on a diet” routine) and I basically missed a week of exercise due to slightly spraining my ankle doing that highly treacherous exercise known as “walking”. Seriously, you know how they always say before starting an exercise program how you should check in with your physician? Well, if I did that mine would recommend that I wear full body armor at all times. Good news is that I stayed at a constant weight and my goal of being under 200 pounds by August is still reachable though I will literally have to hustle to make it.

Well, since the US is out of the World Cup and we no longer have to care about soccer for another four years I figured that I would give my opinion on the team’s performance. Yes, I will watch the rest of the World Cup because I do find it interesting and I can still cheer for the Dutch, which is the team to watch if you don’t actually like soccer because a) they play the coolest version of the game and b) you can get a contact high just by looking at their fans. But our focus was on the US and it is now time to cast blame or cheer depending on how one looks at it.

On the most basic level the US did precisely what I thought they would do: make it to the knockout round and lose in the first round. It makes sense since we are one of the 16 best teams in the world but not one of the top eight. Except that everything that happened on the way there seemed to be completely unlike the typical American squad that it leaves you elated and disappointed at the same time.

We tied with England in a game that we could have lost (if England’s goalie hadn’t flubbed Dempsey’s shot) or won (if Altidore’s shot off the post was an inch to the right). In the end it was the result that I had been hoping for. We should have beaten Slovenia and if it wasn’t for a crap call we would have. And while we outplayed Algeria the entire game it still took a miracle play unlike any that I had ever seen to send us into the second round. We won the group, which I did not expect and legitimately could have won every game.

The US still has a huge weakness (which came back to haunt us against Ghana) in that we start off incredibly slow and have a weak defense in front of a good goalie. We always seem to start from behind. The amazing thing, and what I am most proud of this team for, is the fact that they fought back in every game and never really quit fighting. In the past the US would get down a goal and you could see that their will to win was gone. Now we know we can come back from two goal deficits. Makes for a huge change in attitude.

And while I predicted a loss in the group of 16 I was expecting it to come against Germany. In fact, when I started to look at the brackets I could see us in the semi finals. We were a better team than Ghana and I’m confident we could beat Uruguay as well. It is more of a lost opportunity than anything else. It was probably the easiest road to the semis that this team will ever see.

In the end I guess I will say that I am happy for how the team played. They showed grit and determination and made people care about the squad and the World Cup, which is a huge boost. I remember 12 years ago following the World Cup and the only other person in the office who was following it with me was someone who was born in Poland. Now we have entire office conversations about the game. They went farther than Italy and France (and looked much better than either team) and went as far as England, Mexico and either Spain or Portugal. Not a bad run. If only we had some freaking defense.

The five random CDs for last week (never got posted):
1) Jack Johnson “On and On”
2) Cowboy Mouth “Mouthing Off Live and More”
3) Wilco “Summerteeth”
4) Allison Moorer “Show”
5) Marshall Crenshaw “I Suffered for my Art, Now It’s Your Turn”

And the five random CDs for this week:
1) Steve Earle “I Feel Alright”
2) Continental Drifters “Continental Drifters”
3) The Frames “For the Birds”
4) U2 “Boy”
5) John Hiatt “The Best of John Hiatt”

For those wondering....

Blog is on vacation for the week. Moose out front should have told you.

Oh, and, USA! USA! USA! Take that Algeria! Bring on Ghana!

Mena Suvari could not be reached for comment (as her shift at IHOP hadn't ended yet)

Just some random odds and ends tonight…

1) Chris Klein from the American Pie films was arrested for DUI in Hollywood last night thus answering the question “Can Chris Klein even get arrested in this town?” Do you realize that the American Pie films came out over a decade ago? How horrible is it as an actor to realize that when they report your arrest the only films that they mention came out a decade ago. You could repeat this statement for Tara Reid, Shannon Elizabeth and possibly the guy with the pie (though he had a bit more work in later years.)

2) If you were wondering how the North Korean team had fans at the World Cup given that its citizens are not technically allowed to leave the country wonder no more. Apparently they hired Chinese actors to act as fans and support the team. They have even admitted to it. Pretty amazing when they show the team during the national anthem and the players are singing (and in one case, crying) while their supporters are looking around rather dumbfounded. Just one more part of North Korea that is freaking insane.

3) Well that and the North Korea themed restaurants that exist in certain parts of the world. I’m not making this up. I believe they are called Pyongyang and are owned by the North Korean government in which they serve up North Korean food and culture with service by the prettiest North Korean girls in the world (who of course are basically not allowed to leave the restaurant or their housing complex.) Just nuts.

4) Oh, for those wondering the gulf is still screwed. You know, for what is going to be the biggest environmental disaster in our country’s history there really isn’t much of a sense of outrage or anything at the moment. We feel sad about the birds and the fishermen but that huge collective “What the hell?” moment we had during Katrina just isn’t there. In that case there was an uproar and people mobilizing to help but in this instance it really isn’t there. Partly because none of us are trained to fix oil wells or to clean up spills. People aren’t homeless or suffering so we don’t even know where to send money to. The closest equivalent that I can think of is Three Mile Island and that really isn’t a proper comparison. Three Mile Island was a significant event that could have been much worse but in the end did not result in any long lasting damage. This, on the other hand, is going to screw up the gulf for a generation at least. I just wish there was some way to get people engaged and outraged over the event.

Much rather be back at the Blue Lagoon

Note to the Universe: Look, I am unbelievably happy with the way my life has turned out. Last year was the most amazing thing that I could ever imagine. I reconnected with the woman of my dreams, fell in love and we decided that all we want is to spend the rest of our lives together. And I understand that there is good and bad in life so things can’t always be that perfect. But can you just ease up a little? The past couple of months just seem to be bad things followed by horrible and tragic events followed by just more crap. Can we get a little break from everything for a moment? We’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s kind of late and I’m pretty much spent so I figure that I would just post the following video. It is the best thing that I have ever seen in terms of showing what Iceland is actually like. Except that for some reason in this video it isn’t constantly raining. Of all the sights shown in this video Kim and I were probably at about three quarters of them. Pretty amazing to think that you hit almost all of the locations shown in a tourism video.

Note: video is slightly not safe for work due to a tad bit of nudity. That is Europe for you. You put in tourism ads the sort of things that would typically appear on HBO. Well, not as bad as what you can see on HBO now. Seriously, when did they turn into Cinemax? Anyway, consider this fair warning. Oh, you will also be singing this song for the rest of the day. At least it will make you pretty happy to be doing so.

Inspired by Iceland Video from Inspired By Iceland on Vimeo.

Flopping like a dead (or at least stunned) fish

Monday Weigh In: Checking in at 205.5 pounds this week, down an impressive two pounds from last week. Really happy with my workouts this week (including doing four and a third miles on the treadmill on Saturday) as I seem to have broken through to that next level on my fitness. Meaning that workouts that would kill me a few weeks ago are relatively easy now. I’ll keep upping the intensity and focusing on my diet as I edge close to that first goal of being under 200 pounds.

World Cup Update: My new favorite team for the Cup is Ghana due to their fans unfurling a banner that read “Sex Machines” during the game on Sunday. Apparently a rap group from Ghana has a hit song called, obviously, “Sex Machine” and this has provided the team with a theme song much like Chelsea Dagger for the Blackhawks or Don’t Stop Believing for the White Sox. However, I mainly like the fact that we can now refer to the team as the Ghana Sex Machines. That is what I love about the World Cup: you always find yourself cheering some small country because they seem to be really cool.

To DJ’s comment on yesterday’s post I really don’t mind ties in soccer and understand the importance of playing for a tie at times. The tie for the US was in effect a win: they stayed even with the best team in their group and stayed in control of their own destiny. Even low scoring doesn’t bother me because I understand that at the top level defenses are very good (though I wish there were more scoring opportunities.) Heck, low scoring makes set plays that much more exciting. What really drives me insane is the flopping which was in full display during the Italy – Paraguay game.

To be honest though I can’t recall anything that I would have called a flop during the US – England game. But in the Italy game today people were hitting the ground left and right. I saw a guy collapse to the ground holding his ankle which had done nothing other than kick the ball. I haven’t seen them break out the magic spray or carry someone off on a stretcher only for them to immediately return to the field like nothing happened. That is the part of the sport that people can’t stand. If you are hurt then you are hurt. Tim Howard got hurt on Saturday because he took a kick in the chest. Stopping the game for him to catch his breath and figure out what happened to his ribs is acceptable. But guys falling to the ground because the other guy touched him is just stupid.

It is interesting that DJ brings up flopping in basketball because that really only became a problem once the European players started to make an impact on the league. I can’t recall flopping being an issue at all in the 80’s. Think about those Celtic or Lakers or Pistons squads. None of those guys flopped. But once the game became more international with players from soccer countries the amount of flopping and trying to draw fouls increased greatly.

I really do enjoy soccer at the highest level. I watched almost all of the Euro Cup in 2008 (unemployment has its benefits) and as these posts indicate I am a huge World Cup fan. I don’t think that I will ever be able to consider myself a knowledgeable fan but I can enjoy the game and the atmosphere. For me that is enough.

The slightly less than beautiful game

There are a lot of aspects of soccer that American fans just do not like. Things that go against what we believe in as sports fans. The top four that I can think of are 1) foreigners, 2) tight shorts, 3) lack of commercial interruptions and 4) the whole “let’s all roll around on the ground in horrible agony only to get up in two minutes and act like nothing has happened” bit. But if there is one item to add to this list it is ties.

Think about it in terms of major sports. Baseball (other than the All Star Game under Bud Selig) cannot end in a tie. Football (except for rare regular season occasions) cannot end in a tie. Basketball, golf and hockey all have rules to prevent tie games. But in soccer a tie game is considered to be a common and often preferable result. This goes against the grain of American culture as a tie is like kissing your sister, which unless your relationship is like Angelina Jolie and her brother probably isn’t a good thing.

Except that I was damn happy to get a tie against England on Saturday. The game started off like most US games in the World Cup do: with the other team immediately racing down the field and scoring. For some reason the Americans always think that the feeling out part of the first few minutes of the game assumes that the other team won’t try to score. That always leaves us chasing and we are horrible at it. Luckily we had a play happen that a) was incredibly lucky and b) always surprises me that you don’t see more of.

Dempsey’s goal was the damndest thing I ever saw because it was even more of a lucky shot than Kane’s cup winning goal on Wednesday night. He shot it straight at the goalie and it hit him right on the hands and then squirted away and he could only look in horror as the ball got behind him and into the goal. It is going to be one of the most memorable images of the World Cup: the England goalie looking on in horror as he realizes that he has just made one of the biggest blunders in ages.

But here is what surprises me about why it doesn’t happen more. Not that I expect goalies to flub shots but I cannot figure out why players simply don’t take more shots. Dempsey took the shot because he had an open look and there was nothing else for him to do but shoot. What you typically see are guys driving down the flanks and having a look at the goal and instead of shooting trying to pass the ball across six guys to the center. If the pass connects then it is typically an unstoppable goal. But almost all of the time the pass doesn’t connect. It’s off target or a defender gets there or the goalie cuts it off. If you shoot though at least something could happen. I never quite understand why guys just aren’t always firing straight at the keeper.

Still, all the US has to do now is play the way they should play and beat (or at least tie) Slovenia and then beat Algeria and we are through to the next round. And that is all that I am hoping for from this squad.

Best of 120 Minutes: There are desert island songs and then there are songs that make you want to knock down walls and break stuff. This is one of the latter songs. Smashing Pumpkins. The name says it all.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Matt Nathanson “At the Point”
2) Black 47 “Live in New York City”
3) C. J. Chenier “The Big Squeeze”
4) Marshall Crenshaw “This is Easy: The Best of Marshall Crenshaw”
5) She and Him “Volume Two”

Commit to the Indian and good things happen

We won the Stanley Cup! We won the Stanley Cup! And we, uh, get Lindsay Lohan along with it. It’s not clear why but apparently this is now in the bylaws or something.

(I must admit this is one of my favorite completely non-sensical pictures of all time.)

Obviously I didn’t post last night since I was too busy celebrating the Blackhawks winning the Stanley Cup in the time honored Chicago way of rioting and looting. Sadly, since I was in Delaware and there weren’t any other fans around it was just me and in that case it was probably less of a raucous celebration getting out of hand and more of a one man crime spree. Do you know how hard it is to flip a car over by yourself?

(Sigh. I missed not having access to any Chicago channels for this championship. Every victory comes with dedicated riot coverage. That said, after being in New Orleans when the Saints won the Super Bowl I think I have seen the biggest celebration ever.)

Some thoughts on the game. I was pretty confident that the Hawks were going to win it though it drove me insane when they came out for the third period playing not to lose. They did the hockey equivalent of the prevent defense which of course wasn’t going to work. They still hadn’t quite found their rhythm in overtime when Kane took what was just a weird shot that went in and no one really noticed. It was a strange broken play and Kane had an open look at the net and nothing else to do so he took the shot and it snuck through. The announcers blew the call though to be honest I wasn’t sure it was a goal until I saw the replay.

It is amazing to get to see the Hawks win the Stanley Cup. I hate the fact that people say that they are historically “one of the NHL’s worst franchises” because that is entirely not true. For decades they were one of the league’s better franchises that just could never get over the hump (I think Dino Ciccarelli’s entire career consisted of him screwing over Blackhawk teams.) In the mid-90’s they pretty much gutted the team though and that led to the really bad decade. Still, this is a team that I have always cheered and played as in video games and it is great to see them win it all. Now that I have seen the Bears, Bulls, White Sox and Blackhawks win titles in my lifetime I can even bring myself to root for the Cubs to win one eventually. Just as long as they admit all the other teams got there first.

I also want to give my thoughts on Jeremy Roenick crying at the end of the broadcast. People are getting on him for crying either because a) he is a broadcaster, b) he is a hockey player or c) he played for both teams in his career so why the hell he is happy that one won and not the other? Even though JR can be a bit of a prick at times and he had a bit of a hatred for the Hawks after the team legitimately kicked him to the curb I really think that this was true emotion that he was showing. He never won the Cup and his team was the one who was supposed to bring it to Chicago. Moreover, no matter where he went I think that he always considered himself a Blackhawk. That was the team that got his career started and the fans who were fully behind him. I really think he viewed the moment as a former player and as a fan; his team finally won the Stanley Cup.

That is it for tonight. I just want to mention that Charlie Weis now gets to state that he beat USC and that the Bush Push never happened. Our losing streak against them is history! We won the game of the century! What a great 24 hours in sports.

The nation without a team

Lindsay Lohan Alert: This is a message from the Lindsay Lohan Emergency Broadcasting System. At an MTV Movie Awards party over the weekend Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet (which monitors if she has ingested any alcohol) went off and apparently not only does it send a message to the probation officer it also goes off with flashing lights just to make sure everyone notices. Thus she has once again violated her probation and must face a judge. As a result we are activating Lindsay Def Con Status 3. Safehouses have been prepped around the country to insure that our Beloved will not fall into the clutches of the police. For the sake of our nation, our Lindsay must remain free.

(That said, who the hell invited her to an MTV Movie Awards party? And who in their right mind when on probation for cocaine possession and a DUI would attend such a party while wearing an alcohol monitoring bracelet? Hell, the thing would probably go off just by being in the room. And shouldn’t you have to actually be, you know, in movies to attend a movie awards show?)

On another front, I kind of touched on this in my World Cup preview but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how some countries are good at sports while others are just horrible. Now if you consider the fact that soccer is about as close to a universal sport as we have then the best nations at soccer should either be a) highly developed so that they can fund the best programs or b) the largest so that they have the best talent pool to choose from. However, while places like Chile and North Korea make the field China and India do not. In fact, they are nowhere near fielding a team that could make the cup. With a billion people each in their respective countries you’d think they could find a couple of dozen people who could kick a ball.

Even more amazing is the fact that India is just abysmal at sports. India won three medals in the 2008 Summer Olympics. For a point of reference, the Glorious Republic of Kazakhstan won 13. Mongolia won 4. Trinidad and Tobago won 2 which isn’t bad for a nation of 1.3 million. If India won at the same rate as Trinidad and Tobago they would have netted roughly 2,000 medals. This brings up the fascinating question of “Why can’t people from India play sports?”

You have a billion people in the nation. You’d think that a couple of them would at least be fast, or could lift weights or throw a javelin. Sheer numbers alone would seem to make that a likelihood. Yet for the life of me I cannot think of a single sports star from their country. Ok, I know that they have a top cricket team and they use their history as a former British colony for their love of that sport. But then why aren’t they successful in soccer or rugby? It is amazing to think that a nation that is going to be at the forefront of the 21st century has absolutely no interest or capacity at the modern sports culture.

If anyone has any thoughts on this I would like to hear them. When you are online with tech support feel free to ask them about what their favorite sport is. Let us solve this mystery of the ages.

World Cup Preview Part Two

Monday Weigh In: Clocked in at 207.5 pounds this week which is down a pound from last week. While I am a little annoyed that I am not making more progress (I would love it if one workout would result in my being in perfect shape) I am now seeing several weeks of losing that pound a week that I am aiming for. I still think that I can do better but the wonders of actually paying attention to portion size and getting fit is beginning to pay off.

Ok, time to finish off the World Cup preview. And be thankful that last night I didn’t use my Ghanareans pun.

Group E
Teams: Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Cameroon
Predicted to move on: Netherlands, Cameroon
Thoughts: In what is always confusing the Netherlands are the Dutch and Denmark are the Danes. The Danes are not the Dutch though for what it is worth. You can always tell the Dutch due to the fact that they are always wearing Orange (and I’m talking University of Illinois level orange) and they are typically winning. If you want to cheer for a small European country with liberal drug laws this is your best choice. I’m pulling for Cameroon to sneak into the second round based solely on the fact that they are referred to as “The Indomitable Lions of Cameroon”. I’m not making that up; it is the official team name. Compare that to the US which is known as, “The Men’s National Team.” Japan is pretty much just happy to be here and the Denmark team would much rather be playing with legos.

Group F:
Teams: Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia
Predicted to move on: Italy, Slovakia
Thoughts: Defending champion Italy gets a really easy draw as they should walk through the group. That said, Italy has a history of forgetting to show up for its first few games so there is a chance that anything could happen. The Italian team is best known for their blue jerseys, fiery tempers, and tendency to smoke while playing. I’ll cheer for Slovakia because my Czech squad didn’t make it so I’ll pull for our former countrymates. Paraguay is best known for having Ascencion as its capital or possibly Montevideo. Seriously, do we need both a Paraguay and a Uruguay? Can’t we just merge those countries into one and make all of our lives easier? If you live in a major city I would recommend finding the Kiwi bar to watch the New Zealand games. Not because you’ll be cheering the winner but mainly because Kiwis are really, really cool.

Group G:
Teams: Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast, Portugal
Predicted to move on: Brazil, Portugal
Thoughts: Glorious leader predicts great success for North Korea! Other nations forfeit games before taking field! Rumors that entire team defected upon landing entirely untrue! Possibility that poor performance will lead to invasion of South Korea quite high! I’m not kidding on the last one. I could actually see that happening.

Anyway, it is tradition in the World Cup that one group be known as “The Group of Death”. Since the groups aren’t seeded in the traditional sense one group always tends to get overloaded with top teams. That happened with this group as you have traditional powers Brazil and Portugal competing against up and comer Ivory Coast, which has the home continent advantage. Sadly, Ivory Coast’s best player broke his arm last week, which for some reason means he won’t be able to play. I don’t understand that given that you can’t use your hands but that means that Brazil and Portugal should move on. This is still the most interesting group to watch though just because no one has a clue what the North Korean team is going to be like.

Group H
Teams: Spain, Switzerland, Honduras, Chile
Predicted to move on: Spain, Switzerland
Thoughts: Spain is one of the favorites for the World Cup and I’d expect them to make the knock out stage. However, this is Spain that we are talking about and if there is one team that chokes on a regular basis it is the Spanish. I mean, they literally take siestas during games. Honduras is in the Cup (while countries like China and India are not) and that in and of itself should leave you stunned. Come on, can you think of a category where Honduras would be considered one of the top 32 countries in anything? Chile has a chance but I expect the Swiss with their clockwork precision and complete neutrality to get the second spot.

World Cup Preview Part One

Alright, it is time to preview the World Cup. This marks the three weeks every four years that we actually care about soccer (six weeks for those of us who find the Euro Cup moderately exciting.) This should be a fun preview as I only moderately follow world soccer which makes me a better judge of the competition than 98 percent of the people in America. I’ll go through the first four groups tonight and the second four groups tomorrow.

Group A:
Teams: South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France
Predicted to move on: Mexico, France
Thoughts: South Africa is the host country and therefore should make the second round merely because every host country has made the second round since the dawn of time. However, this doesn’t take into account the fact that South Africa isn’t that good of a team. I give them a decent chance though of sneaking past France for the second spot given that France shouldn’t even be in the tournament due to a missed handball call in the game versus Ireland. A call that thus removes the possibility of the reigniting of the classic Ireland – Uruguay rivalry. Uruguay is best known for its capital city of Montevideo. Or possibly Ascencion. Basically Uruguay is a country that should just change its name given all of the snickering at the United Nations. Anyway, Mexico isn’t as good as it used to be but still should be able to advance. Rather weak group, which is probably intentional in order to give the host country the best possible shot.

Group B
Teams: Argentina, Nigeria, South Korea, Greece
Predicted to move on: Argentina, Nigeria
Thoughts: Argentina is coached by national hero Diego Maradonna who celebrated his retirement from the beautiful game by apparently eating every single animal in the country. Dude is freaking huge now. I mean when he hangs out around the stadium he hangs out around the stadium. Still, while his coaching is suspect they clearly have the most talent here. The second spot is a bit of a toss up between Nigeria and South Korea. I’m going to give the nod to Nigeria due to their home continent advantage and the fact that they are historically a really fun squad to watch. South Korea is a much better soccer nation than you would ever expect. I don’t expect much from the Greece squad as most of them will be spending the game waving metal detectors over the field in the hopes of picking up scrap metal to sell. That is assuming that the country can afford the airfare to send the team down there in the first place.

Group C
Teams: England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia
Predicted to move on: England, United States
Thoughts: USA! USA! USA! Or more accurately, “Yay, we drew a pool where we can legitimately make it through.” We should be able to beat Algeria and either beat or draw against Slovenia and that will be enough to move on. I even think that we could draw against England (win if things got really wacky) but for the most part we are the second best team in the group. If we play to our talent, which for this team is never a guarantee, we’ll move on. England will have its eyes on David Beckham even though I don’t think he is on the squad. I just assume that there is a BBC camera crew following David Beckham at all times. Algeria is just happy to be here and Slovenia is hoping that the World Cup allows for a) someone to be able locate the country on a map and b) people to realize that they are not the same as Slovakia.

Group D:
Teams: Germany, Australia, Serbia, Ghana
Predicted to move on: Germany, Serbia
Thoughts: Germany plays soccer like they make cars or cook: methodical, precise and without any emotion or style whatsoever. It is like watching a group of accountants. They are some of the best accountants in the world and can beat any other group of accountants but still they’re a bunch of accountants. Serbia and Australia is an interesting little matchup but I think that Serbia is just going to be a little more experienced down in the trenches so to speak. I will say that of all the teams I’d like to go out drinking with the Australian team mainly because, well, they are a bunch of Aussies. Always a good time with them. Ghana just isn’t Ghana make it through. Get it?

Best of 120 Minutes: Given that I have the Stanley Cup going on in the background I figured that I would play my favorite hockey music video featuring Soul Asylum.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Jayhawks “Sound of Lies”
2) U2 “Under a Blood Red Sky”
3) R.E.M. “Automatic for the People”
4) Josh Rouse “Nashwille”
5) Counting Crows “August and Everything After”

The newest health food: deep fried spinach

So as part of my health kick I picked up some pre-sliced apples at the grocery store in order to have a healthy snack. Apples because I like apples and pre-sliced because I am not allowed to handle sharp objects. Anyway, I was quite surprised when I opened the package to find that each package of apples comes with a small container of caramel. If you want to understand the reasoning behind the obesity crisis in America this would be a good place to start. We can’t even sell apples in the grocery store without bundling them with a container of pure sugar.

I’m going to be really torn as to what to watch on television tomorrow night. We will have on simultaneously game four of the Stanley Cup Finals and the finals of the National Spelling Bee. It is so tough choosing between watching my Blackhawks and watching home school kids freak out on national television. I did check out the spelling bee semifinalists and it looks like the Kansas squad got wiped out early this year after winning it all last year. There is a surprising number of foreigners including a kid from New Zealand and another from Jamaica. Exactly how they qualified for the “National” Spelling Bee is more than a bit confusing.

(My pick to win? Tim Ruiter out of Virginia. He looks like I did when I was his age, was runner up last year and listed They Might Be Giants as his favorite band. He is the king of the home schoolers.)

And yes, as of today we are down to one Golden Girl. I assume that they had a tontine running and Betty White now inherits something like twenty million dollars and all DVD revenues. I could go into a discussion of the importance of the Golden Girls but I would rather mention that if they continue making Sex and the City movies at some point they will naturally become the next generation of the Golden Girls. To be quite honest they could just wait ten years, call it The New Golden Girls and not have to change the cast at all. It would probably make for a much more interesting show than their current movie.

That is all for tonight. I’ll post a few things over the weekend (some comedy bits that I’ve been playing around with that may or may not be funny) and then I will start up my World Cup preview. Are you ready for some soccer? It’s everything I love about sports. Athletes with funny names, ethnic stereotypes and no competition of any kind. Should be fun. Enjoy the weekend everyone.

Help us Aquaman, you're our only hope

Very quick post tonight as it is late and I am pissed off after watching the Hawks lose. In thinking about the oil spill in the gulf (or oil leak or whatever the hell you call oil gushing out of the ocean floor) it dawned on me that this is the first time in human history that if you had the ability to call upon one superhero to save the day that superhero would be Aquaman. Yes, for once we really could use Aquaman’s help.

There is no more useless hero in the history of comic books than Aquaman. His superpower is that he swims really, really well. Oh, and he also talks to fish which is really useful if you ever wanted to know what fish talk about. I assume it is mainly “You ever notice that sometimes there is just this worm floating in the water and when you bite it you suddenly get this jagged metal hook stuck in your mouth? Don’t you hate it when that happens?”

(By the way, can Aquaman talk to dolphins given that they are not technically fish? I don’t know if this was ever covered in the books or in Superfriends.)
Anyway, after a month and a half of failed attempts at capping the well you suddenly realize how sometimes you really just wish that you can send a person down there to do the job. Get rid of the robots and the hoses and the submersibles and all of the technology and just send down people with hands and brains and have them figure out how to fix it. Sadly it isn’t going to work that way and it will still be weeks or months before the situation is fixed. To think that if we had the guy in the orange and green costume none of this would be an issue.

You could have made a good Hopper / Coleman buddy cop movie

Tuesday Weigh In: One day late due to the holiday weekend taking over my schedule but I weighed in at 208.5 pounds tonight, down a pound from last week. Really happy with this as I made some serious changes last week (greatly cut down on the snacking, worked out a lot) and have seen some results. In fact I was surprised that I didn’t see more but given that it was a holiday weekend the fact that I lost weight should be considered a positive. I just have to keep things moving in this direction.

Ok, I have a lot of points to talk about and there is no cohesion between them so I’ll just do this as a numbered list.

1) On my way to work this morning I saw a peacock walking down the side of the road. I am not making this up nor was I under the influence of any substance other than a granola bar. I am going to make the assumption that it escaped from somewhere unless peacocks are native to Delaware and no one bothered to inform me of this fact. You never expect to see a peacock on your way to work in the morning. Still better than the…

2) I swear that every day I drive to work I pass one if not more dead deer on the side of the road. One day I saw two right next to each other and it was clear that they were hit at the same time. There are few things more depressing than driving by Bambi lying on the side of the road. I know that it is just nature crossing paths with large motor vehicles but it does not make for a very happy drive.

3) Al and Tipper Gore are getting divorced after forty years of marriage. On the plus side there does not seem to be a bizarre sex scandal behind all of this. Just a couple that has grown apart over the years and have decided that it is best to separate. However, I’m just thinking that if you have made it through forty years together wouldn’t you feel that you might as well go to the end? I mean, just the paperwork alone would make me hang in there.

4) Dennis Hopper passed away this weekend. In my mind he will always be remembered for two roles: 1) the drunken assistant coach in Hoosiers and 2) the “It’s gotta be the shoes!” guy from the Nike ads in the nineties. In fact, I am hoping that when they put up his picture in the Oscar Memoriam section it is a still from one of these commercials. It is how Dennis Hopper should be remembered: As an out of control fan dressed as a referee sneaking into locker rooms to steal shoes.

5) We also lost Gary Coleman this weekend. As many people have already mentioned this means that we will never quite know what Willis was talking about. It also means that the Different Strokes curse is still in effect and whoever played Dudley should really up his insurance policies. To be honest, Gary Coleman deserved a better career than the one he got. He really was a talented comic actor but after playing the cute adorable kid he could never get any other roles, which is a bit of a shame. At some point his entire life became playing the role of Gary Coleman.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Sally Timms and John Langford “Songs of False Hopes and High Values”
2) The Handsome Family “Live at Schubas Tavern”
3) Lyle Lovett “Natural Forces”
4) Cat Power “The Greatest”
5) Continental Drifters “Vermillion”

Your plate is so vain

Ok, this whole personalized license plate thing has gone too far. Every time I see one that is cool enough to make me rethink my stance I see one that is so mind boggling out there that I can’t even see straight.

Things started off very well this morning when I saw the plate ABSNTHE. I am entirely behind any plate that advertises alcoholic beverages particularly those that have historically been illegal due to the minor side effect of causing insanity. (That said, my favorite bar in New Orleans is an absinthe bar that has always been serving the stuff. It’s New Orleans, laws don’t really apply down there as BP was fond of noting.) That gains high points in terms of a quality plate.

Things slowed down from there. In the afternoon I saw 2 JEKYLL and I must admit that I am still trying to figure that one out. I am guessing that it is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde reference but I can’t figure out 1) why anyone would feel a great need to make that reference and 2) why you would need a two in front of it. I will also hold out hope that the driver was just a really big fan of the old Heckle and Jeckle cartoons. You know the ones that you would watch because there was absolutely nothing else on television.

But on my drive home I saw the one that topped everything. It said simply B OBAMA. I have to say I was completely dumbfounded by this. Now before you start going off on a political rant against what I have to say understand that everything I say would be exactly the same if I was behind a car with the plate GW BUSH. Which is, having your own name spelled out on your license plate is silly bordering on stupid. Having someone else’s name, particularly a politician’s name, on a plate is simply insane.

I mean I’m all for supporting a candidate but does that mean that you have to go down to the DMV to stake your claim on a plate? Does having that plate automatically make you more patriotic? What if Obama becomes the modern day equivalent of Rutherford B. Hayes? Do you still keep the plate as a mark of pride years down the line or do you change it? I mean, this is a vanity plate. That means that you have to pay extra for it. Give it to the campaign and slap a bumper sticker on your car. It would be much more sensible.

Imagine if you put your favorite athlete’s name on your car. If you had JETER or JORDAN or PEYTON people would pretty much assume that you are a douche. You wouldn’t just be a fan; you’d be one of those guys that calls into radio sport shows way too often. This is the political equivalent and to be honest I think that makes it worse.

Wednesday Night Music Club: It will be thirteen years this weekend since Jeff Buckley died. I have always said that the world would be a much better place musically if he was still with us. Of all the members of Gen X that we lost too soon his was the one that impacted me the most.

Maybe she could bedazzle the bracelet

It is really difficult to complain about losing weight after watching the finale of The Biggest Loser. When you see people lose more weight than you actually weigh the thought of losing ten pounds doesn’t seem to be that difficult. The top performers this season all lost roughly half of their body weight, which is just insane. The good news is most of them look to be at a healthy weight right now and the winner could actually still lose a little more due to the fact that he started off at over 500 pounds. That has been my complaint about past years as the winners have lost so much weight they went in the other direction and were no longer healthy. Still, more encouragement for me to get off my ass and work out.

The best news of the week so far is that they did not arrest Lindsay Lohan when she returned to the States. This is mainly due to her (or someone close to her) posting a 100,000 dollar bond. At the moment I can’t believe that she has that much money to her name or that anyone would post bail for her. Seems like just tossing money away at this point.

She made her usual court appearance where she tries to look serious and like an adult and appeared shocked I tell you shocked when the judge states that she is not impressed with the steps she is taking. As a result Lindsay has to undergo random drug testing and wear one of those ankle bracelets that record whether or not you are drinking. She tried to get out of wearing the bracelet by claiming that she is shooting a film in Texas and it would interfere in the filming due to the high number of scenes that show off her left ankle. This could be a valid excuse if she was actually filming scenes this month but she isn’t. So instead she just lied to a judge in the hopes of being able to drink without detection. Have to admire her determination at a minimum.

Anyway that is going to be all for the blog tonight. It’s getting rather late and I have to get in line at the movie theater for Sex and the City 2. I can’t wait to see what wild adventures Samantha gets into this time. Maybe they will even talk about shoes. Sigh. I wish I could complain about this some more but I can’t without admitting that I spent part of my evening reading recaps of pro wrestling shows from over ten years ago. To each their own I guess.

The battle of the bulge

Monday Weigh In: Crap. 209.5 pounds, up a pound and a half from last week. Things are not moving in the right direction. However, today I stumbled upon some guidance from an unexpected source.

I’ve mentioned before that one of my favorite websites is deadspin.com due partly to the fact that I went to school with the founder of the site. Well today one of the writers discussed how he has lost 60 pounds over the last five months and gave his point by point directions on how he did it. You can find the article itself at http://deadspin.com/5545674/the-public-humiliation-diet-a-how+to.

(Like everything else on Deadspin you can pretty much assume that you will find something distasteful or objectionable in either the article itself or the comments. I probably should have put this disclaimer before the link but oh well, it’s the internet. The entire web is either objectionable or distasteful.)

Anyway, anyone who can lose 60 pounds in 5 months while being a blogger deserves my attention so here is my breakdown of his steps and my thoughts on what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong.

1) Buy a scale: I did that years ago so I’ve at least done this correctly. It is digital and only measures to the half pound. I know there are new ones that measure to a tenth of a pound but if you are trying to be that accurate then the idea of shaving off all of your hair in order to lose weight becomes a viable idea.

2) Weigh yourself daily: I’ve only been weighing myself weekly. I’ve heard different things about how often you should weigh yourself. Some people are behind the everyday approach since it keeps your weight front of mind and you can find out if you have fallen off the path quickly. On the other hand, there are a lot of day to day variations so it is really only in the long term that you see results. I’m going to switch to daily now because I am clearly not progressing using my method.

3) Post that weight daily on Twitter: Well, I do post my weight weekly on here. That does encourage me to try to work harder and hopefully I’ll pick up some support along the way as I lose weight. Again, I know that my weight just makes me overweight and not obese so it is not as though I am a contestant on The Biggest Loser. However, I am at least 20 pounds over my proper weight and all of that is being stored as belly fat so it is the most unhealthy thing imaginable. I just need to knock these pounds off. I’ll still just post the weekly number to the blog though because there is no way in the world that I am starting a Twitter feed.

4) Never eat after dinner: This is probably my biggest weakness. I’ve been eating a lot after dinner. Not just one light snack either; I mean like half a bag of chips or lots of chocolate chip cookies. Even my healthier snacks like dried fruit I just eat and eat until I’ve downed way more calories than I needed to right before I go to bed. In fact, I’ve been working out, showering, and then eating some more thus negating the entire purpose of the workout. No wonder I’m fat.

5) No snacks except for fruit: Drew mentions the diet idea that you should eat numerous small meals a day and dismisses it because they tend to turn into numerous large meals a day. I have to say I agree with him there even though a lot of people swear by the small meals idea. I still think a small snack every few hours is ok as long as it is sensible. Fruits, nuts, the occasional pickle (a stealth health food, pretty much 0 calories but alleviates your craving for salty snacks.) Basically I have to knock out the crap of chips and cookies and the like.

6) Don’t have seconds: This has never really been a problem for me. Understand that in college I weighed 145 pounds which is theoretically healthy for someone who is six-one but really wasn’t. I spent years of my life trying to gain weight. I still could work on portion size but one of the benefits of my lifestyle is I tend to make my meals for myself.

7) Don’t eat sweets: I am good at some of this and bad at other parts. I cut soda out of my diet years ago, which makes me wonder just what I would weigh today if you added in a couple of cans a day for half a decade. Chocolate and other candies are a serious weakness though. I don’t know why (well, I kind of do) but I had just been craving chocolate chip cookies these past few weeks and that simply hasn’t helped my weight. I’ve at least cut out the snacking on candy at work. If I can stop eating it at work and prevent myself from buying it at the grocery store I can do this.

8) Avoid carbs, but don’t go nuts about it: Yeah, I tend to eat a lot of bread. Philly is a pretzel town so we always have a lot of pretzels in our cafeteria or the office and they are really, really tasty. They are also carbriffic so that probably isn’t the best choice. I’ve also been having rice with most meals, which seemed healthy until I realized that I was having two servings of rice with every meal and that second serving was another 200 calories. When you start thinking of that in terms of time on a treadmill you begin to question a lot of your eating habits.

9) Drink unsweetened green tea: I don’t want to turn this into an ad for HonestTea but every fitness magazine I read swears by that brand. This is amazing because I sat through a presentation by those guys in business school and I didn’t expect them to be in business at the end of the year. I might try green tea since I never have but I’m really just trying to increase my water intake. The only (well, not really, see next point) other beverage I drink is decaf coffee black. Not too many calories there. True, there is no purpose in drinking decaf other than saying I enjoy drinking bitter hot water but that is the state that I am in.

10) Drastically cut down on boozing: Ok, so I do drink some beverages with calories. The interesting thing is I really have cut down on my drinking at least compared to my KC days. Back then I would be out four nights a week, mainly playing trivia or seeing concerts but always at a bar. I honestly can’t remember the last time I went to a bar out here. Still, I do imbibe so I should at least try to either control the amount or drink light beer. For the record though when drinking champagne everything goes out the window because it’s champagne.

11) Make sure everything you eat is awesome: This is where I could be so much better. Kim mentioned this weekend that I never make anything fresh. Everything comes in prepared meal formats or is in a bag where all I have to do is defrost and heat. In fact I don’t really cook as I mainly heat. I really think that if I spend time learning to cook and actually spend time in the grocery store buying ingredients for a meal that I will be much better off. This was one of my New Year’s resolutions. I should probably get working on it.

12) Exercise but understand that it is not the most important thing: I spent 45 minutes this evening working out on EA Active and theoretically burned 377 calories. For those wondering, the workout consists mainly of cardio boxing, step aerobics, resistance band exercises and body weight exercises. I don’t know if I can trust the calorie count but when I am done I am a sweaty mess and am spent so it is a good workout. I mention this because a vending machine size bag of baked Lays potato chips is 130 calories. You know, one of those bags that you scarf down in two minutes. Those two minutes of eating that leave you just as hungry afterwards were equivalent to a third of my workout tonight. You have to exercise and I do enjoy it and can already see myself getting more fit but really I have to focus on my diet. For some reason it wasn’t until I did this math that I realized just how important that is.

13) Take a fiber supplement: Ah, my Fiber One bars. You haven’t lived until you get a third of your daily requirement of fiber in one granola bar. Fiber is one of those requirements for weight loss but it really doesn’t make you very popular. Trust me on this one.

So the good news is that even on those steps that I’m not following I at least agree with them and understand that I should work towards it. I’m happy with my workout routine and have begun to feel the benefits already. Basically I just need to cut out the snacking, eat more fruits and vegetables, reduce my portion sizes and stay focused on my end goal, which is to look damn awesome in a tux when I get married next year. It’s not going to be easy but I will get it done.

My Address to the Graduates: 2010

Good afternoon everyone and to begin with let us all be grateful that the university did not schedule graduation for 8 AM on a Sunday morning. First, I would like to state my extreme appreciation for the distinguished professors, the undistinguished professors who are forced to actually teach classes and the administration who do everything possible on a daily basis to not have to interact with students. Without them none of this would be possible.

I also wish to congratulate the parents in the audience as without their tuition checks none of this would be possible. It is so great to see so many of you here today whether you are beaming with pride, joylessly videotaping the festivities or slowly realizing that you just spent 80,000 dollars so that your child could pursue their dream of a fine arts degree. Without your support these students would not be able to be with us today.

And what a fine group of students we have here, not counting those who are too hung over to attend the graduation ceremonies. These students came to us with eager minds and leave us with useful skills in hackey sack, flip cup and something they refer to as cornhole. Today is the highlight of their academic career as they sit here in cap and gown and, in many instances, without pants. So to these students, the future of our society, I offer the following…

We are so very, very sorry. I promise that we meant well.

Historically these commencement speeches are used to inspire the graduates to face the challenges of the next phase of their life where they will use their knowledge and energy to benefit society and find personal fulfillment. However, since we all know that echoing those sentiments would be lying I feel that I should just state the harsh facts.

There are a lucky few of you who chose majors that actually have career prospects. Some of you might have jobs in hand. Either way you will learn that working is nowhere near as enjoyable as college. You may have been told to pursue a job in what you love but unless you love sitting in a small box under bad fluorescent lighting with no windows in sight you will find yourself in a soul crushing job. However, please keep in mind that this is not due to the recession. Work has always been like this. If we could all get paid to sit on the couch and watch TV we would do that.

Then there are those of you who chose the more noble majors in the arts. You have learned much about truth and beauty; skills that will serve you well as you enter the workforce as bartenders and waitresses. Feel free to vent at your high school guidance counselors who put you on this path. You still might want to think about law school. Yes it will result in the death of your soul but you’ll quickly find that selling out pays rather well.

No matter what your field you will all have to face the reality that you will no longer be coddled. You have been raised in an environment of participant trophies, grade inflation and parents who cater to your every whim. Now you will be in the real world and no one will care. We won’t care about your Facebook status or your blog or how creative you are. It is simply a world of measured output. You will at times be bored and annoyed and wonder why things have to be this way. For lack of a better word that is called life. Deal with it.

Oh, and the environment is totally screwed. The economy is pretty much shot as well. Even the music scene is rather crappy. On the plus side, Apple just came out with another shiny object that comes with a built in ego stroker. You might look into getting one of those.

Still, I feel the need to offer the following two pieces of advice.

1) If your aim is to make money in this world do the following. Remember from Microeconomics the idea behind the supply and demand curve. (If you did not take Microeconomics I feel very sorry for you.) No matter what field you are in or where you work look for the opportunities in which there is very high demand but little supply. These often aren’t the glamorous positions. There are a large number of people who wish to be rock stars but very little need for them. But I promise you that if you can find that niche where you are desperately needed and have specialized skills you will find yourself with a very nice life.

2) If money is not your goal and to be honest it shouldn’t always remember to take a look at the world and wonder. Life is hard and it will continue to be hard. Doesn’t matter who you are bad things will happen to you. The most important thing that you can do is to keep that sense of wonder about things. Even when things are bad they are at least interesting. If you can keep that mindset and enjoy every moment that you have on this planet to the utmost of your abilities at the end of the day you will find that the struggles of life have been worth it.

So graduates go off into the cruel, harsh world. Maybe you will make the world a better place than it was when it was given to you. If you do you will have done a much better job than we have.

Best of 120 Minutes: Sometimes you just want to listen to Nirvana and break stuff.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Clash “London Calling”
2) Billy Pilgrim “Bloom”
3) Nickel Creek “Nickel Creek”
4) Sarah McLachlan “Surfacing”
5) Rufus Wainwright “Want One”

Lindsay Lohan: Threat or Menace

Ok, I know I write about Lindsay Lohan a lot but the stories this week have just been too good to pass up. Here is some background to keep in mind when you read this. My Beloved Lindsay is currently on probation due to her DUI / cocaine possession / crazy woman conviction. As part of her probation she was supposed to attend weekly alcohol abuse meetings unless she was forced to leave town due to business in which case she would be able to travel with a judge’s permission. Given that no one will hire Lindsay for anything other than dancing around a pole this did not seem like much of a challenge. However, going into her court date on Thursday she had not attended enough meetings and as of Thursday would be in violation of her probation.

Now where was Lindsay in those last weeks prior to the court date? Running around town doubling up on meetings just to meet the deadline like a kid cramming for finals? Of course not that would be silly and / or rather logical. Instead she was at the Cannes Film Festival theoretically promoting a new film. Again, no one believes that such a film exists or that anyone would want to see her star in anything. And even if she did you would have to think that you would prefer not to have your star in jail when the film is released to an audience larger than the Blockbuster video next door that is about to shut down. So basically she just spent the week getting trashed at parties. But don’t worry, she’ll get home in time for her court date.

Except that she missed her first flight “due to the Iceland volcano.” This is almost a believable claim given that some flights were cancelled this week due to the ash in the air produced by our good friends in Iceland because they have nothing else to do. (If you lived in Iceland you would probably want to ruin everyone else’s fun too.) However, people looked into it and found out that there were plenty of flights leaving Paris for the States with seats available. Yes, she might have needed to take a train to Paris but it was certainly manageable. So it was time for the second excuse which is….

Someone stole her passport. Yes, the same woman who had thousands of dollars of jewelry stolen from her in Heathrow now had someone steal her passport. When I travel outside the country I am basically paranoid about my passport. If it is not on me it is locked in a safe somewhere and I have a photocopy of the information page on me. I never understand how someone loses a passport or has one stolen unless they have a purse or backpack stolen. But Lindsay, on the day she has to fly back to the States for a probation hearing that will most likely end in jail time just happens to lose her passport. What a coincidence.

We should just admit it right now. Lindsay is a criminal fugitive who has fled overseas in an attempt to find political amnesty in a foreign country. She’s like Roman Polanski except with more cocaine and less felony charges. We need to get Interpol on this (along with telling them to stop making such crappy records.) She is a menace who must be brought to justice.

Wednesday Night Music Club: David Ford covering the Counting Crows “Round Here” in his typical one man band fashion. Why this guy isn’t a huge star just amazes me. Saw him as an opening act for Gomez a few years back and was just blown away by his performance.

More like When Will We Finally Meet the Mother

I haven’t written much about How I Met Your Mother this season but after last night’s episode there are a few points I need to address. Join with me as we talk about our favorite New Yorkers and that douche Ted they for some reason hang out with.

1) Between last night’s episode and her appearance on The Big Bang Theory last week I have now come to the conclusion that Judy Greer should appear on every television program at all times. If I’m watching Deadliest Catch I want to see Judy Greer out there on the Bearing Sea. On TLC’s Four Weddings she should be getting married every week. There is no such thing as too much Judy Greer on television. Especially as a theoretical physicist with some, uh, interesting habits. Just saying.

2) One of the main points of this week’s episode is that when you are in your twenties and dating everything is fresh and exciting but when you are in your thirties and dating you realize that everyone you meet has baggage. This is absolutely true and it is how you deal with it that makes all the difference in the world. If you wait to find someone without baggage, as Ted still seems to be doing, then you will be alone and unhappy for a long time. If you don’t admit that you are screwed up yourself then it won’t work out for you either. Dating in your thirties means accepting the fact that no one is perfect. (Well, except for Kim of course. I’m the one who is carting along several steamer trunks worth of issues. Luckily I have trained a platoon of helper monkeys to help me in dragging the bags along.)

3) I saw a few people say this online and I have to agree: There must be no worse feeling in the world than discovering that you are the basis for a character in a movie and that character is being played by Chris Kattan.

4) With next week being the season finale the show is at this strange crossroads some characters are moving in good directions while other characters seem to be spinning out of control. Marshall and Lilly are progressing as a married couple with their own place and talks about having children. Their characters seem pretty well set and to be honest I would like to see more of them on the show. The other three deserve numbered entries of their own.

5) Robin is a character in search of direction. They’ve already paired her up with Ted and Barney and now have to work to explain just why she is hanging out with two of her ex-boyfriends every week. Plus, they have her dating her coworker Don, which would be interesting except that we know almost nothing about him and have never seen anything that would make us think that they make a good couple. She is still an incredibly funny character and you can always make early morning news show jokes but it will never make sense until they connect her back with…

6) Barney. Let’s face it, the network wants to turn this into the Neil Patrick Harris show. So does most of the country. He’ll be getting an Emmy this year for his work. But after spending a lot of time showing that Barney has a heart and finally getting him together with Robin they break them up without much reason or fallout. Barney then goes completely over the top in terms of skirt chasing. They need to bring the character back from being a caricature and give him a little more reality.

7) Finally we have Ted. He’s a douche. Last week’s episode pretty much admitted that is what he is and he accepted that fact. I don’t mind that too much. It does bother me that a guy who is searching for true love dumps women at an alarming rate. But mainly I’m just upset that I’ve been watching this show for five years and we haven’t found out who the damn mother is yet! The freaking Smog Monster on Lost is better defined than the mother. Look, I understand that this is the conceit behind the entire show but enough already. Just have Victoria from Season 1 return from Europe and open a pastry shop in New York that Ted just happens to walk into and they fall madly in love once more. I swear to you, every fan will be happy. Just make it happen.

Get your Free Lindsay t-shirts now

Monday Weigh In: I came in at 208 this week which is down a pound from last week. I’ve got the needle moving in the right direction and that is the most important thing. I’m cleaning up my diet (except for the box of Chips Ahoy that somehow managed to sneak its way into my apartment) and am back to a workout routine that is almost but not quite routine. But progress is progress and per Wii Fit I now have a BMI of under 28. Now I just have to get it to 25 so I am no longer officially classified as chubby.

I’m not making this up but after last night’s post about vanity plates I found myself behind a car with a plate that read “FIBONCI” this morning. Now, that one is cool. I mean, it’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3, 5…

(This was one of the highlights of my day. I’m not sure if that is indicative of just how much of a nerd I am or how bad my day was. Probably a mixture of the two.)

In other news from this weekend they crowned Miss USA and….really does anyone care about this? Anyone at all? Ooh, look there are photos of Miss USA pole dancing and wearing, well, more clothes than she did in the Miss USA pageant. Are we supposed to be shocked by this? Does anyone even know what network this was broadcast on? Beauty pageants are a strange thing to begin with (and yes, they are supposed to be about talent and poise and how well you look in a swimsuit) and the Miss USA pageant has that Donald Trump layer of ooze to it but I just don’t seem to get the point. It’s 2010, does any of this even matter? And don’t get me started on Toddlers and Tiaras on TLC.

Really I’m just kind of played out with pop culture at the moment. My Beloved Lindsay is most likely headed to jail for not attending AA classes. Incredibly, all she had to do was show up. She could keep drinking but just had to attend class. There isn’t any movie coming out this summer that catches my interest other than seeing just how much The A-Team ruins my childhood memories. The TV season is winding down and summer looks to be another wasteland until the new season of Big Brother starts up. I guess I’m just going to have to spend time reading. What a concept.

Seriously, people

It used to be that I would simply get annoyed by vanity license plates. Now people seem to be taking it to the next level and incorporating their license plate holders into the vanity plates themselves. Over the past week I’ve seen the following:

1) A car with an “I support NPR” license plate holder with the license plate holder with the plate “SNOOTY”.

2) A bright yellow sports car with the plate “YELLOH”. At first I thought that this was simply a reference to the color of the car and that this guy was the second owner of a bright yellow sports car that decided that it was wasn’t enough to have a car that is completely unlike any color known in nature and that he had to specify for everyone what color the car actually is. Then I saw the license plate holder, which from top to bottom read as follows: “I will make you YELLOH in bed.” To which my reaction is a) it now makes much more sense why he didn’t use YELLOW and b) that might be the most idiotic thing that I have seen in my entire life. I mean, it made me embarrassed to be a carbon based lifeform. Plants are embarrassed when they see it.

So I’ve said it before and I will say it again; be cautious with the use of vanity plates. Just take the random number that the DMV gives you.

Not much happened to me or the world this weekend (unless you count thousands upon thousands of gallons of oil continuing to spill into the gulf, which apparently no one seems to care about.) In an attempt to change my current status of “fat slob” to “slightly overweight not very neat person” I did knock out four miles on the treadmill on Saturday. This was my first time on the treadmill in a long time and I felt pretty good during the workout. This morning was a different matter as various body parts were screaming at me. I apparently have muscles in places that I didn’t know muscles existed. So I’m a bit of a sore cowpoke in that regard.

I also finally moved my summer clothes to my main closet and put my sweaters away. I know most people have done that already but the Chicagoan in me does not believe that sweaters will not be necessary in mid-May. In fact, I always do keep one or two handy in July just in case. Yes, I always have a voice in the back of my head that says “Put on a sweater or you’ll catch a chill.” Mainly I realized that I have way too much clothes and need to do another round of donations. Especially shirts that are over ten years old. I think some might date back to college. It is rather frightening to think about given that I spent much of the afternoon watching the Hoarders marathon on TLC. Nothing will make you want to clean out your closets more than watching that show. Hell, you’ll walk into random houses just to clean out their stuff after watching the show.

Best of 120 Minutes: I’m in a Bettie Serveert mood at the moment. Things that you may not know: 1) The band name is Dutch for Bettie Serves, 2) music like this used to be if not popular at least prevalent, and 3) I saw them once in KC where there were maybe 30 of us there because it snowed half an inch that night.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Pieta Brown “In the Cool”
2) David Ford “Songs for the Road”
3) Terrance Simien “Positively Beadhead”
4) Sting “The Dream of the Blue Turtles”
5) Sufjan Stevens “The Avalanche”

The end of "Duh Dum"?

Saw a story online this evening that it is possible that they may be cancelling Law and Order at the end of this season. Which kind of makes sense given that after 20 seasons they should have captured every single criminal in New York by now. NBC will still retain the three dozen other spinoffs of the show due to the fact that if they removed the entire franchise they would no longer technically have a network. Much like how CBS should just call ever show NCISCSI to save us all a whole lot of grief.

Not much else to report on as this week comes to a close. For those wondering I have officially joined the iPod nation which, to be honest, kind of makes me feel like an empty corporate shell. It is rather sad when owning a Microsoft Zune makes you a unique individual: I needed Bill Gates to make me feel special. But at some point I realized that I must conform with the rest of society if I want to have any chance of sharing music with them.

What this means though is I have to convert all of the music that I have on my laptop from Windows Media format to iTunes format. This is not an easy process. I apparently have several weeks worth of music on this laptop. Other than the blog and some pictures I think this laptop only contains music. (Well, that and a lot of spreadsheets that statistically model every action I take in society but that is such a basic feature of people’s computer history that I hardly feel like it deserves to be mentioned.) So while I have an iPod I don’t technically have any music on it because I’m still trying to get everything converted. Hopefully I’ll have that done by this weekend. Heck, I’m happy to be through the L’s of my collection at the moment.

Otherwise I feel like I’m just going to head off and fall asleep. It has been a long week and I could use a nice nap.

Television Time Warp: Volume One

I’ve decided to start a new recurring series tonight. Let’s say you have a time machine which, given the note I found on my kitchen table this morning, I will be in possession of on March 27, 2012 at 2:57 P.M. When you inevitably travel back in time you will be faced with the obvious question of “What should I watch on TV tonight?” That is where I come in. I am going to go through past television seasons and figure out what you should have watched / watch / will watch depending on your location in the space time continuum.

I’ll start with the 1980 – 1981 season when I was a second grader full of joy and wonder. My recommendations will be based on a combination of a) what I actually watched, b) what I wish I had watched now that I am an adult and c) shows that I am now searching for DVD compilation sets. I’ll go in five year increments every week until I’m to the present. Got it? Let’s have fun with this.

(Tip of the hat to The Onion, which is doing a similar thing with the So This is What I Call Music CD series.)

(All times central since I am a Chicago boy)

Sunday:
ABC: 6: Those Amazing Animals, 7: Charlie’s Angels, 8: The Sunday Night Movie
CBS: 6: 60 Minutes, 7: Archie Bunker’s Place, 7:30: One Day at a Time, 8: Alice, 8:30 The Jeffersons, 9: Trapper John, M.D.
NBC: 6: Disney’s Wonderful World, 7: CHiPs, 8: The Big Event

Recommendations: You have to start off with 60 Minutes for news and information and as a kid I didn’t have control over the remote anyway. Besides, I didn’t really grow up as a Disney fan (I swear I haven’t seen Bambi, Snow White or Cinderella in my entire life.) 7 o’clock is a real toss up here. Archie Bunker’s Place was the follow up to All in the Family in which they kept the main character and removed everything that was actually funny. One Day at a Time was by this point losing much of their cast to rehab and people slowly beginning to wonder why no one had an issue with the building maintenance guy just randomly walking into an apartment that happened to house two teenage girls. I’d say go with Charlie’s Angels over CHiPs in a really close call, due mainly to the presence of Tom Bosley. Rest of the night is all CBS as you’ve got classic comedy in Alice and The Jeffersons followed by your medical drama in Trapper John. TV movies are boring and I have no clue what the hell The Big Event was.

Monday:
ABC: 7: That’s Incredible!, 8: Monday Night Football
CBS: 7: Flo, 7:30: Ladies’ Man, 8: MASH, 8:30 House Calls, 9: Lou Grant
NBC: 7: Little House on the Prairie, 8: Monday Night Movie

Recommendations: Real easy choices here. You have to start with That’s Incredible! I mean, the show was freaking incredible! It says so right in the title. Mainly you have to appreciate any show that provides you with footage of stunts, world records, funny animals and Cathy Lee Crosby. MASH is simply a requirement and to be honest I am about to look to see what cable channel is showing it in reruns right now. Then it is over to the Howard Cosell era of Monday Night Football. Quality night of television.

Tuesday:
ABC: 7: Happy Days, 7:30: Laverne and Shirley, 8: Three’s Company, 8:30 Too Close for Comfort, 9: Hart to Hart
CBS: 7: The White Shadow, 8: Tuesday Night Movie
NBC: 7: Lobo, 8: Local Broadcasting, 9: The Steve Allen Comedy Hour

Recommendation: The White Shadow just gets the nod over the double bill of Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley. I mean you can go either way but based off of what DVDs I want to own The White Shadow wins by a mile. A story about a high school basketball team coached by someone reminiscent of Bobby Knight is still one of my favorite shows of all time. Potsy, Lenny and Squiggy just can’t live up to that. You can tell it was a different world back in 1980 given that NBC didn’t even have programming scheduled for a portion of the day. Given the choices I’m going to have to say Three’s Company and Too Close for Comfort provide you with good comedy and Jim J. Bullock respectively and Hart to Hart provides you with, well, people named Hart. Still better than Steve Allen.

Wednesday:
ABC: 7: Eight is Enough: 8: Taxi, 8:30: Soap, 9: Vega$
CBS: 7: Enos, 8: The Wednesday Night Movie
NBC: 7: Real People, 8: Diff’rent Strokes, 8:30 The Facts of Life, 9: Quincy, M.E.

Recommendation: There was no better show as a kid than Real People. You had Sarah Purcell and Skip Stephenson and, well, real people. I swear to god that at one point in time this was like the most popular show on television and everyone was expecting Skip Stephenson to become a major star. Now I’m the only one who remembers who he is. The 8 o’clock hour shows the difference between what you’d watch as a kid and an adult. The kid choice is easy: Gary Coleman and Mrs. Garrett rule the day. But as an adult I’ve realized that Taxi and Soap are probably two of the greatest sitcoms of all time. When Andy Kaufman is your third or fourth best character on a show you are doing something right and Soap was just hysterical. Nothing beats Quincy, even though no one ever bothered to explain why the medical examiner took it upon himself to become a detective in his spare time.

Thursday:
ABC: 7: Mork and Mindy, 7:30: Bosom Buddies, 8: Barney Miller, 8:30: It’s a Living, 9: 20/20
CBS: 7: The Waltons, 8: Magnum, P.I., 9: Knots Landing
NBC: 7: Games People Play, 8: Thursday Night Movie

Recommendations: Seriously, did every night have a movie associated with it? This is what life was like in the days before cable. Anyway, I don’t think I ever missed an episode of Games People Play. The three things I remember most about it 1) the ongoing mechanical bull riding tournament, 2) the belly flop contest and 3) the world’s toughest bouncer competition (featuring Mr. T before he was famous) in which the contestants at one point have to run through a wooden door. Yep, I watched that over Robin Williams at his funniest and the surprisingly attractive Pam Dawber as well as a young Tom Hanks in drag. That said, I was seven years old. Barney Miller beats out Magnum P.I. (a show I never really liked) and I’ll probably try to find an episode of Benny Hill on somewhere in the land of syndication at 9.

Friday:
ABC: 7: Benson, 7:30: I’m a Big Girl Now, 8: The Friday Night Movie
CBS: 7: The Incredible Hulk, 8: The Dukes of Hazzard, 9: Dallas
NBC: 7: Marie, 8: Number 96, 9: NBC Magazine with David Brinkley

Recommendations: Outside of Benson you should just watch CBS all night. Problem is I found Benson funny as a kid and would probably still find it funny today. I’d say watch that for the first half hour and then switch over to the Hulk because a) Lou Ferrigno never showed up until the second half anyway and b) that way you still get to hear the piano theme. Then it is simply an hour of southern boys in cars with explosions followed by people talking about oil for an hour.

Saturday:
ABC: 7: Breaking Away, 8: The Love Boat, 9: Fantasy Island
CBS: 7: WKRP in Cincinnati, 7:30 The Tim Conway Show, 8: Freebie and the Bean, 9: Secrets of Midland Heights
NBC: 7: Brabara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters, 8: Saturday Night Movie

Recommendations: Sigh. This was seriously the golden age of sitcoms. You could grab any random episode of WKRP and it would be better than anything on television today. The fact that 30 years later if you mention Les Nessman, Dr. Johnny Fever or Venus Flytrap that people will know precisely who you are referring to speaks wonders. I don’t know what Freebie and the Bean is and to be honest I am scared to click on the Wikipedia link to find out just what I was missing. You have to go for the classic Saturday night twin bill of The Love Boat and Fantasy Island. I mean you had exotic locations, special guest stars, little people and rich Corinthian leather. No better way to spend a Saturday night.

Thoughts? Did I miss someone’s favorite show?

Wednesday Night Music Club: Josh Rouse hanging out and playing in Paris on a February night. In a perfect world everyone buys his albums and we all live happier lives as a result.

There has never been a better metaphor for life

I have an announcement for the proud residents of Berwyn, the rather roguish inhabitants of Cicero, the bland denizens of North Riverside and the arrogant pricks who live in Brookfield. Dustin Shuler, the man who created the Spindle, has passed away. Yes, even though our iconic cars on a spike that sat in the parking lot of the strip mall that you never went to other than to go to the Lens Crafters was taken down several years ago we should still remember the man who provided us with the one landmark of Berwyn that people actually remember. As in I have met people from around the world and when they ask me where I grew up I go, “Did you see the movie Wayne’s World? Remember the cars on the spike while they are singing Bohemian Rhapsody? That is my hometown.” As silly as it is people will remember it forever.

(By the way, were there ever any stores in that shopping center that anyone ever went to? I know some of my old cohorts read this. There was the Service Merchandise back when that was still a store and a Coconuts music store and a rather shady Walgreens but otherwise what did we actually buy there? I truly can’t remember.)

Switching gears a little most of you know that I work on a trading floor which provides me with an excuse to look at televisions all day because we need to be kept abreast of the market conditions. Or the local news if someone doesn’t change the channel in the morning (I’m not trusted with the remote for good reason.) Anyway, at lunch we had the local news on and they were heavily promoting an in studio performance by the Crash Test Dummies which obviously made me go, “Oh my god, those guys are still around?” They even showed a video by the band as part of a commercial outro and it had to be from the one video they made that wasn’t their hit song. Apparently they have just released a new album and the lead singer has cut his hair. I’m still trying to figure out how a lunch broadcast in Philadelphia acts as if they pulled off the biggest coup in all time by booking the Crash Test Dummies.

(That said, I just saw that Toad the Wet Sprocket is playing nearby in a few weeks and I’m really thinking of going. I actually had a ticket to see them in KC a few years ago and had to skip to see another show. Still better than going to see Queensryche, a show where they could have saved us all two hours by getting on stage, playing Silent Lucidity, and then have all of us slowly head towards the exits.)

One last note that some people might find interesting. A few days ago I posted my 1,400th blog entry and have been doing this for five and a half years. If you assume 600 words a post that is 840,000 words in that time span, which is rather mind boggling. I know that my writing schedule has been a bit wonky the past few months for reasons that I won’t bother getting into but I am really going to try to keep this going. I seriously never expected it to last this long nor find out that someone in Malawi has read something I wrote. And at the end of the day writing is my therapy and my release and right now I need that more than ever.

Degrees that don't pay

Monday Weigh In: Back at 209 pounds. I’m going to try to start working out and dieting in earnest now if only to keep my mind off of other matters. I am pretty sick of carrying this extra twenty pounds and need to get it off before I attend several weddings, including my own.

Some people may have seen this on Yahoo today (well, those four people other than me who still use Yahoo) but they listed the ten worst paying college degrees. I find this list fascinating as these are the people who were having a great time in college while I was sitting in a lab setting fire to electric circuitry. Let’s see who was at the bar while I was building transistors…

10: Drama: Not too much of a surprise here as this is essentially a degree labeled “waitperson in training.” I’ll always give someone credit for following their dream of wanting to be an actor but most of them will be lucky to eek out a living in local productions. As a rule, professions that most people would consider to be fun don’t pay very well.

9: Fine Arts: Outside of the possibility of appearing on Project Runway this degree may be even less useful than drama. And I know a lot of people who went to art school and are universally the coolest and smartest people I know. However, there just isn’t much day to day requirement for sculpture or abstract painting. Again, engrossing field without much of a market.

8: Hospitality and Tourism: I didn’t even know that you could major in this. To be honest, I’m not sure what classes would comprise such a major. Are there classes to be Julie on the Love Boat? Or Isaac for that matter? Somebody please explain to me what this major entails other than showing Midwestern tourists where the extra towels are.

7: Education and 2: Elementary Education: Sigh. Want to know why we have a screwed up education system in this country? Look no further. I really would like to be a teacher someday. Heck, I wouldn’t mind being a teacher right now. I could teach math, physics or even English and enjoy every single moment of it. But the fact is I can make so much more money working in the private sector that it can’t make me cross that threshold. If you want to improve the education system you have to make it so that people like me will decide that it is in our best interest to be teachers as oppose to constantly bitch about the poor state of the education system.

6: Horticulture: In the wise words of my idol Dorothy Parker “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her use it.” Again, this is another major that I was completely unaware of as it is essentially majoring in gardening. We’re not talking agricultural degrees, which are useful and valuable, but rather just being good at flower arranging. I’ll mock them now given that two decades ago they were mocking me.

5: Spanish: Ok, this one confuses me. I can see a lot of opportunities to utilize a Spanish major besides being a high school teacher (see education rant.) Minor (or double major) in business and you open yourself up for all sorts of opportunities in working with Latin America. Even just working as a translator would be valuable. Of all the degrees on this list this is the one that I did not expect to find here.

4: Music: Back in the dark ages when I was in college I knew this girl whose goal in life was to be a grade school band teacher. She explained to me how fulfilling it would be to teach kids music and instill in them the love of music at a young age. Now, given that I am a guy who still holds the dream of having a book in Barnes and Noble I really shouldn’t make fun of other people’s dreams. But to me that was just setting the bar too low for life. You’re 19, shouldn’t your goal in life be just a little higher. Like being a high school band director?

3: Theology: As someone who knows theology majors I always say that while they do not make much money they are given the inside information as to how to reach heaven. I figure that has to be worth a bit more than my annual bonus.

1: Social Work: Guess this finishes off the list of majors and fields where you actually help people but make absolutely no money for doing so. It is just the way our priorities lie as a civilization. You can help people and be poor or be a money grubbing scumbag and be rich. Sigh once more.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Buddy Miller “Midnight and Lonesome”
2) Julie Miller “Broken Things”
3) Beth Orton “Trailer Park”
4) The Brunettes “Structures and Cosmetics”
5) The Saw Doctors “Songs from Sun Street”

Saying goodbye much too soon

I’d like to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers for myself and my family over this past week. You do not know how much I appreciate the gesture. This past week has been incredibly difficult for my family as we have dealt with a tragedy that has shaken us to our core but the support that we have received has just been amazing. Kim has been a rock for me; holding me together when all I wanted to do was roll in a ball and cry. And while we hurt now and wish that this would never have happened and would give anything to change the events we know that as a family we will come through closer than ever.

I’m not sure what lies for us in the world beyond this one. I know what I hope and believe in and pray for but will never know for sure. But part of me wonders if maybe, just maybe, this following theory of mine will come true. It’s scientific and touching and if Stephen Hawking is right, maybe even possible. And after a week like this I really hope that it will come true.

There are few things in life that only go in one direction. We view the world in three dimensions and there is a left and a right, an up and a down, a forward and a back. But we live in four dimensions and that fourth dimension of time only goes forward. There is no reverse on time.

There are two other physical states I know of right now that are only going one way. One is entropy, the fact that the world goes towards disorder. A plate will fall off a table into a thousand pieces but the thousand pieces will never independently recombine into a plate. The other is that the universe is ever expanding. In my mind, time and entropy and the expansion of the universe are all aspects of the same thing. They are all different views of this forward motion.

But there is one thing to keep in mind: the universe doesn’t have to keep on expanding.

Mathematically speaking the universe can at some point start to contract. If it does no one is quite sure what happens to time and entropy. It’s my hope that time will start flowing backwards and we will live life in reverse. The pieces of the plate will recombine and jump back onto the table and most importantly, everyone you have lost in your life will be seen again.

With life in reverse a funeral becomes a celebration of all of the moments that we will have. All of the joys of life are known and ahead of us. We know that we will be able to say things like I love you or give hugs or just spend those moments of joy together. And we will all end up back as babies, happy and full of wonder and peace.

I know that there is something out there after this world. I know that I will one day get to see my little buddy again and give him a big hug and tell him how much I love him. And I know that as long as I am alive I will remember his smile and his laugh and his joy. And I take comfort in that. No one ever truly leaves us as long as we hold them in our hearts.

“A short life – even a very short life – can be full of meaning” Anne Frank

Going on hiatus for a week

Just for those wondering I am taking a week off from writing. I've had a family emergency over the weekend and at the moment trying to find ways to make a Lindsay Lohan joke seems completely pointless and meaningless. If you could keep my family in your thoughts and prayers I would really appreciate it. Thanks.