Good afternoon everyone and to begin with let us all be grateful that the university did not schedule graduation for 8 AM on a Sunday morning. First, I would like to state my extreme appreciation for the distinguished professors, the undistinguished professors who are forced to actually teach classes and the administration who do everything possible on a daily basis to not have to interact with students. Without them none of this would be possible.
I also wish to congratulate the parents in the audience as without their tuition checks none of this would be possible. It is so great to see so many of you here today whether you are beaming with pride, joylessly videotaping the festivities or slowly realizing that you just spent 80,000 dollars so that your child could pursue their dream of a fine arts degree. Without your support these students would not be able to be with us today.
And what a fine group of students we have here, not counting those who are too hung over to attend the graduation ceremonies. These students came to us with eager minds and leave us with useful skills in hackey sack, flip cup and something they refer to as cornhole. Today is the highlight of their academic career as they sit here in cap and gown and, in many instances, without pants. So to these students, the future of our society, I offer the following…
We are so very, very sorry. I promise that we meant well.
Historically these commencement speeches are used to inspire the graduates to face the challenges of the next phase of their life where they will use their knowledge and energy to benefit society and find personal fulfillment. However, since we all know that echoing those sentiments would be lying I feel that I should just state the harsh facts.
There are a lucky few of you who chose majors that actually have career prospects. Some of you might have jobs in hand. Either way you will learn that working is nowhere near as enjoyable as college. You may have been told to pursue a job in what you love but unless you love sitting in a small box under bad fluorescent lighting with no windows in sight you will find yourself in a soul crushing job. However, please keep in mind that this is not due to the recession. Work has always been like this. If we could all get paid to sit on the couch and watch TV we would do that.
Then there are those of you who chose the more noble majors in the arts. You have learned much about truth and beauty; skills that will serve you well as you enter the workforce as bartenders and waitresses. Feel free to vent at your high school guidance counselors who put you on this path. You still might want to think about law school. Yes it will result in the death of your soul but you’ll quickly find that selling out pays rather well.
No matter what your field you will all have to face the reality that you will no longer be coddled. You have been raised in an environment of participant trophies, grade inflation and parents who cater to your every whim. Now you will be in the real world and no one will care. We won’t care about your Facebook status or your blog or how creative you are. It is simply a world of measured output. You will at times be bored and annoyed and wonder why things have to be this way. For lack of a better word that is called life. Deal with it.
Oh, and the environment is totally screwed. The economy is pretty much shot as well. Even the music scene is rather crappy. On the plus side, Apple just came out with another shiny object that comes with a built in ego stroker. You might look into getting one of those.
Still, I feel the need to offer the following two pieces of advice.
1) If your aim is to make money in this world do the following. Remember from Microeconomics the idea behind the supply and demand curve. (If you did not take Microeconomics I feel very sorry for you.) No matter what field you are in or where you work look for the opportunities in which there is very high demand but little supply. These often aren’t the glamorous positions. There are a large number of people who wish to be rock stars but very little need for them. But I promise you that if you can find that niche where you are desperately needed and have specialized skills you will find yourself with a very nice life.
2) If money is not your goal and to be honest it shouldn’t always remember to take a look at the world and wonder. Life is hard and it will continue to be hard. Doesn’t matter who you are bad things will happen to you. The most important thing that you can do is to keep that sense of wonder about things. Even when things are bad they are at least interesting. If you can keep that mindset and enjoy every moment that you have on this planet to the utmost of your abilities at the end of the day you will find that the struggles of life have been worth it.
So graduates go off into the cruel, harsh world. Maybe you will make the world a better place than it was when it was given to you. If you do you will have done a much better job than we have.
Best of 120 Minutes: Sometimes you just want to listen to Nirvana and break stuff.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Clash “London Calling”
2) Billy Pilgrim “Bloom”
3) Nickel Creek “Nickel Creek”
4) Sarah McLachlan “Surfacing”
5) Rufus Wainwright “Want One”
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