Sunday, February 28, 2010

Gold Medal Live Blog

3:03 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current Sports Headquarters as we are providing live coverage of the Gold Medal Game between the United States and Canada. It is Bacon vs. Canadian Bacon, Rush vs. REO Speedwagon, the Metric System vs. the real way to measure things. In short, the planet’s two greatest rivals compete in the ultimate showdown.

3:06 P.M.: Same rules as always for the live blog. I’ll sit around and watch the game making snide comments all the while. I will also try to make vague sexual innuendos using terms such as five hole, line shift, and two line pass.

3:07 P.M.: I think that Don Cherry just broke my HD set. For those who don’t understand who that he the official statement is that he is a Canadian icon that no one else can quite comprehend. Imagine John Madden crossed with RuPaul.

3:11 P.M.: For the record, this game will have nothing in common with the Miracle on Ice game. That was a bunch of college kids going up against professionals during the time in which the threat of a pre-emptive nuclear strike was so strong that even as a six year old I was fairly confident that I was not going to see my twenty first birthday. This is a matchup of two sets of professionals, many of whom play for the same team. It is a slight difference.

3:20 P.M.: And we drop the puck. You know what would be awesome? If the puck glowed. It would be much easier to follow. And it could have a streak like a comet’s tail behind it on a slapshot. I can’t believe that no one has thought about that before.

3:22 P.M.: Yes, we know that Ryan Miller went to Michigan State. Seriously, it is not that much of an accomplishment. Better than Arizona State, not as impressive as Minnesota State (because any school that hires Dauber is good enough for me.)

3:28 P.M.: Seven minutes in and no score. Americans are playing well so far with the puck being mainly on the Canadian end. Beatles and Rolling Stones songs seem to be the soundtrack of choice in Vancouver this afternoon.

3:32 P.M.: Chris Drury is one of the few people on the planet whose life I envy. Olympic medalist, Stanley Cup Champion, and, oh, he just happened to be the winning pitcher in the Little League World Series as a kid. If he had the Millennium Falcon playset as a kid he may have the most perfect life ever imagined by man.

3:37 P.M.: Jack Johnson apparently plays for the Americans. Kind of surprising. He always seemed more like a laid back surfer type to me rather than a hard hitting defenseman.

3:40 P.M.: Crap, the Canadians just scored. At least it was scored by a Blackhawk so I am not entirely upset. Though why they just broke into a soccer chant in the Olympics hockey final is beyond me. This marks the first time that the Americans have trailed all tournament.

3:43 P.M.: No way that was a penalty ref! Why don’t you just go have another doughnut. And some Tim Horton’s coffee given you’re obviously a Canadian referee.

3:51 P.M.: “The probing has continued.” Now that is a line that I typically do not here during sports commentary.

3:52 P.M.: It is rather amazing watching hockey without commercial breaks. There is so much more flow to the game than you usually see. True, I have no idea what beer to drink now because I have not been constantly reminded of the proper beverage to pursue in order to appear attractive to the opposite sex but the hockey has been better.

3:53 P.M.: And that is the first period with the Canucks leading 1 – 0. Time for the Zamboni.



3:54 P.M.: Can I just say that I have to thank eTrade for introducing the words “shankopotamous” and “milkaholic” to my every day vocabulary. Yes, talking babies are the lowest level of marketing but at least they have given them interesting things to say.

4:07 P.M.: The ice is clean, the zambonis have returned to their pens and the teams are going in the other directions. Let’s get this party started! (Note: said party may not actually exist not does its start depend on an official pronouncement.)

4:08 P.M.: It is a little difficult to get a chant going of Can – A – Da. It just doesn’t sound right. Not because the Canadians can not be patriotic. More like it is very hard to have a real powerful chant when the last thing you say is “Duh.”

4:11 P.M.: Ok, that was high sticking on the Americans. But if you can’t take being hit in the head with a stick you probably shouldn’t be playing hockey. Should have been a no call.

4:14 P.M.: Awesome! We get a make up call. Power play for the Americans due to an interference call. Don’t know what causes an interference penalty but I am certain that the Canadians did it.

4:17 P.M.: Have to admit that that was a sweet little goal by Canada there. Loose puck bounces to the front of the net and a quick shot makes it 2 – 0. Not the start I was hoping for as the Americans will really need to pull out the stops from here on out.

4:27 P.M.: Finally we have some action. Chicago Blackhawk Patrick Kane scores on the deflection to make it 2 – 1. It’s been a pretty good game so far which is why I haven’t been writing as much. I’m too interested in watching the game and play by play would basically consist of me writing “They’re all skating one way….Now they’re all skating the other way.”

4:34 P.M.: It is now tradition for goalies to have the most incredible masks imaginable. Ryan Miller has an American Eagle and Uncle Sam on his both of which look like they have really bad attitudes. The Canadian goalie has images of maple syrup and Celine Dion on his. Pretty much even there.

4:43 P.M.: We’re through two periods. Time to figure out who is the Great One and who is Marty McSorely.



5:11 P.M.: Ten minutes left now. Yes, I know that I missed ten minutes there but I believe that it was due to being abducted by aliens. On the plus side, the probing is no longer continuing.

5:16 P.M.: Five minutes left and the Americans are starting to press. This one is going to go down to the last minute. Luckily, we still have Mike Euruzione on the bench as well as Emilio Estevez as the coach so I am perfectly confident in our chances. Especially when we pull off the behind the net spin move.

5:25 P.M.: Down to the last minute. Americans have pulled the goalie and it is a fight to the death for the gold medal. And the Americans score to tie it up!!!! Using the extra skater almost never works but for once it comes into play. And we are going to overtime. Sudden death, loser leaves town, no holds barred, one fall to a finish. Time to get pumped up.



5:36 P.M.: For those who aren’t hockey fans this is the epitome of what makes the sport amazing. Overtime in a big game. You drop the puck and first one to score gets the gold medal. There is nothing else quite like it in sports. Sure football has sudden death overtime but only hockey has the sense that in fifteen seconds either team could win the game.

5:48 P.M.: Into overtime now. Interesting that the rules make it 4 on 4, which is slightly odd. It would be like, well, reducing the size of a team by one player in any other sport.

5:50 P.M.: Five minutes into overtime. Some big saves by Miller so far. May I be the first to say that it is Miller Time?

5:53 P.M.: Ooh, good chance by the Americans there on a steal…but then Crosby scores to give the Canadians a win. Damnit. Oh well, I’d rather have a player that I like score the winning goal than someone else. Great game.

5:54 P.M.: And that is going to be it for the Olympics. I’ll call these games a bit of a mixed bag. They got started off on such a horrible note with the death of the luger and an awkward opening ceremonies. I really enjoyed the first week of the games and was totally into it but I kind of fell out of things as the games progressed. Part of it is the fact that a lot of the events that I enjoy (downhill skiing, luge, speed skating) were all in the first week. Part of it was that the Americans did better at the beginning than at the end. But mainly it was the fact that the coverage by NBC was so horrible that I could not bring myself to watch it the second week. I just couldn’t bring myself to watch sports where I already knew who won.

I’ll miss curling, still the best sport on the planet, and the joy of biathlon. I’ll miss checking the TV schedule daily to see what cool events were on tap for today. I’ll miss the joy of watching top level competition. The Olympics are always a two week break from the world of sports and reality. Two weeks where there are no teams: just individuals and countries. All sports are equal. The top figure skater gets the same medal as the top cross country skier. It is by no means a perfect event or organization but it is what we want sports to be. See you in London in 2012.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Dave Matthews Band “Remember Two Things”
2) Tori Amos “From the Choirgirl Hotel”
3) Cathy Richardson “Fools on a Tandem”
4) Veruca Salt “Blow It Out Your Ass, It’s Veruca Salt”
5) Various Artists “Down From the Mountain”

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Screw you winter

Sorry for the lack of a post last night. I was just dead tired and had to make a decision between a) lying in bed and reading a book on pop culture or b) sitting at my desk and trying to think of things to write about pop culture. My bed was a lot more comfy last night so it won out. I also have just been absolutely spent these past few weeks. I come home from work exhausted yet I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in ages. I fall asleep easy but wake up four hours later and then am in and out of sleep for the rest of the night. I just want a good eight hours sleep. Not too much to ask.

Well, we are also in the middle of Snowmegeddon 4: The Final Reckoning here in Delaware. Or at least we are supposed to be as this storm has been rather bizarre. We had been forecasted all week to expect 6 – 12 inches of snow today and tomorrow. I woke up to snow falling but absolutely nothing has stuck. It has pretty much been snowing all day and it has all melted on contact. They are still forecasting actual snow to hit us overnight but I am at the “I’ll believe it when I see it” point.

What is more interesting is that a lot of schools closed today and they made their decision on Wednesday night. Given that we really didn’t have snow this just meant that a bunch of kids just had another day of class added to their summer for no apparent reason. What is even more interesting is that I can’t ever remember having school cancelled the night before because of a storm when I was a kid. It was always a case of waking up in the morning at the same time as always and checking the television and the radio to see if school was cancelled. Maybe they even broke out the old phone tree to inform everyone. It was certainly never announced well before the storm ever started.

In fact, the only time that I can recall having classes cancelled well ahead of time was when Chicago was forecast to be thirty degrees below zero before you even factored in the wind chill. It was pretty logical to cancel school that day given that it was basically announced that no one should venture outside due to the strong possibility of death. Now kids are given days off when it doesn’t even snow (or back in KC, because it snowed an inch.) I hate to say that we were made of hardier stuff back in my day but damnit, these kids are too soft nowadays.

Even worse is that because we have been dealing with serious blizzards this month I’d expect that kids are completely out of step with school at the moment. If I am still finding my groove at work due to time out of the office I can’t imagine what it is like for a nine year old. You really need to have a steady routine to learn and this winter has just been horrible for that. Given that I don’t have a great deal of faith in our school systems to begin with all of this snow certainly isn’t helping.

That is all for tonight. I plan on posting something a little more creative over the weekend to make up for the missed post. I think it is time to return to critical analysis of 80’s pop songs because hair metal should not be forgotten.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

We've found our third starter

Two big news stories today that I must touch upon.

The first is that Sluggerrr, the Kansas City Royals vaguely lion mascot, has been sued for damaging the eyesight of a fan with a hot dog. Not one from the hot dog cannon either. He literally put a man’s eye out with a thrown hot dog. This would be the best throw that a Royal made all year. I’d even expect the settlement to be reduced because the plaintiff will no longer be capable of watching the Royals.

Sluggerrr (and yes that is two g’s and three r’s for those wondering the state of the Kansas City school system) is simultaneously the most baffling and least effective mascot in baseball today. He is a lion, which is fair enough as you can somehow make a king of the jungle connection to the Royals. However, his crown is apparently growing out of his skull as a result of some bizarre experiment. Seriously, kind of like how Doctor Octopus had the robotic arms melded on to his body. Also, since the Royals introduced Sluggerr in 1996 the team’s record is 950 wins and 1,314 losses with a grand total of one winning season. I place the blame solely on the mascot. Clearly he does not inspire the team nor the fan base and should be removed immediately.

(Sigh. It is stories like this that make me embarrassed to even have lived in Kansas City. That is really difficult given that I now live in Delaware a state that only exists to provide tax free shopping for residents of Philadelphia. We’re less of a state and more of an outlet mall.)

The other story is that the inventor of the Easy Bake Oven has died. There was something unique about the Easy Bake Oven as even though I never owned one I have to say that it is one of the most memorable toys of my childhood. Mainly in that it wasn’t a toy at all. It was a method of feeding yourself after school before your parents came home from work. True, it was just slightly more effective than cooking over the lamp in the living room but it still marked a pretty big change in generational lifestyles.

See, for the most part kids were raised to play kitchen in the sense of pretending that you are in a working kitchen. It was all imaginary as no one would expect children to actually cook. The Easy Bake Oven changed that as kids could now fend for themselves, which is interesting because that is precisely what they had to do. Instead of coming home from school to a parent (almost certainly the mom in those times) who had something for them to snack on before dinner they were left with an empty house, Brady Bunch on syndication and an Easy Bake Oven. This is how Gen X learned to be self reliant at an early age. We had to bale our own chocolate cakes as a nine year old and it wasn’t going to get any easier from that point out. So tonight, give thanks to Ronald Howes. The man who taught a generation the importance of independence.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Life in the Middle of Things

Average Life Expectancy of an American Male: 75.6 Years
My Age: 36.47 Years
Percent of Life Lived (Assuming Average Lifespan): 48.2 %

Sometimes viewing your life in numbers can be frightening. It is just part of my nature. I feel the need to quantify every aspect of my existence. I have kept a list of every book that I’ve read since 1998, my CD collection has a dedicated database for tracking purposes and I could provide you a monthly budget of income and expenses for, oh, the past fifteen years at least. This is what happens when you raise your son on a steady diet of math and science. You go from competing in math contests to living a life where all that matters are numbers. While numbers are concrete and unemotional they can certainly be scary.

I’ve been joking for a while that I am reaching the point of having a mid-life crisis but I had never actually done the math. I had assumed that I was still on the near side of my lifespan. Sure, I was getting close to the middle but I still had years to go. Instead I am basically there. In less than a year and a half I will be at the midpoint of the actuarial charts of what my life is supposed to be and if that thought doesn’t make you rethink life something must be a little wrong.

This isn’t that I am upset about the current status of my life. I mean, let’s be honest, I don’t think that it has ever been better. I’m in love, planning a wedding, and have finally found that piece that has been missing for all of these years. My job is challenging and interesting and I enjoy it even if everyone’s eyes glaze over when I try to describe it to them. (For the life of me I will never understand why other people don’t find marginal pricing models interesting.) I’m as healthy as I could be and I have traveled the world and have accomplished more than I have ever dream of.

Still, if I am really at the halfway point my first thought is “I better start getting my ass in gear.”

If there is anything that defines me it is the sense of always wanting another challenge. I love placing myself in a situation where everyone assumes that I will fail and proving them, or even myself, wrong. I’ve always had that competitive fire in me and since I’ve never been good in sports I’ve always had to come up with other ways to test myself and seeing that I’m at the halfway point I might as well start of thinking of some big goals.

I still want to write a novel or a book of some kind. I know that the blog is in some sense a book especially given that I am well past the half a million word mark. But I just want to take on writing something original and meaningful. It has been a lifelong goal and I’ve never done it. I want to travel more and read more and learn how to play guitar just so I would have an excuse to have a guitar lying around the house. I want to be a wonderful husband and a caring uncle and a good friend. I want to have a smile on my face more than a grimace or a frown. I want that one last chance to show the world what I am capable of.

I don’t think that I am at the halfway point of my life. I think that I have a bit more runway ahead of me than that. But if that is the case I want to make the second half the best that it can possibly be. Some people reach their mid-life and go “I’ve wasted my life.” I want to take this moment and go, “Let’s kick ass from here on out.”

I’ll give Jason Isbell the last word tonight…

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Have some maple syrup with that defeat

USA! USA! USA! We beat the Canadians on the anniversary of the Miracle on Ice (or near it, I’m trusting Wikipedia for this information.) It’s nice to see us perform well in sports that were always Olympic sports as opposed to the ones that were created for Americans to win. Think about all of the sports that are in the games now that weren’t fifteen or twenty years ago. All of the snowboard events, the freestyle skiing, skeleton, short track speed skating, those are all new additions to the games. Makes you wonder just how Jim McKay filled the broadcast when a day may have consisted entirely of biathlon. Incredibly that coverage was a thousand times better than what we have now.

It’s been a rather quiet weekend for me. Sometimes there are weekends when you just want to take on the world and spend every possible moment maxing out your excitement meter. Other weekends all you want to do is fall asleep on your couch while waiting for your dryer to finish its latest batch of laundry. This was one of those weekends. I did laundry and cleaned and ran a few errands but for the most part my main accomplishment was repeatedly falling asleep on my couch during the afternoon. I guess that shows how sleep deprived I’ve been recently. I know that napping isn’t entirely the best thing for me but when my body yells stop I try to listen to it. That and my couch is really, really comfy.

Also, it warmed up enough that some of the snow has melted and I can actually see grass again. Haven’t seen that around here for a couple of weeks. I’ll be happy when winter ends and we get out of this snow cycle. I like snow, I really do, but at this time of year I tend to just get tired of winter and reach a point where all I want to do is go outside and be in the sun for a little while and not worry about if my ice scraper is going to last another storm.

I guess I will add in my thoughts on the whole Tiger Woods apology. Personally I was hoping for him to either a) deny everything and say that he has never cheated on his wife or b) fully own up to everything with what could only be described as a sense of arrogant pride. Not that I think that either of those choices would be the wisest; I just think that they would have been really, really funny. Instead we get a press conference that wasn’t a press conference in that there were no press there and no one could ask any questions. We had Tiger read a scripted statement, awkwardly hug his mom and that was it.

I’ll at least say that I feel that Tiger is sincere in his apology. He knows that he was wrong and hates what he has put Elin and his family through. In fact, the only times he became emotional was when he was talking about them: either in terms of the press hounding them or the allegations of spousal abuse. As for his own actions, and the overall reaction to them, he was calmly detached. Again, not that he doesn’t feel remorse but I think he truly views himself as two different personas. There is the private person who screwed up relationships and then there is Tiger Inc. the golfing and marketing machine. He wants the public to see Tiger Inc. and only Tiger Inc. while completely ignoring his private life.

The problem is he is too big of a celebrity for that. You can’t be a billion dollar brand and not have your personal actions be put on display. I understand his plea for privacy and his desire to put this behind him but it will not happen. It is too much of a story, too much of a mark on his personal brand, for that to happen.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Kelly Hogan “Because It Feel Good”
2) Paul Burch “Fool for Love”
3) Cat Power “The Covers Record”
4) Charlie Parker “Charlie Parker Plays Standards”
5) Kelly Willis “Well Traveled Love”

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Even the XFL was better

I want to start out with a request. If you have a chance please read the article on Roger Ebert in this month’s Esquire. You don’t even need to pick up the magazine as it is available on their website. It is a fascinating; touching and thought provoking article on Ebert as he faces what he knows is his end. Due to cancer and various surgeries he can no longer eat or talk but he is still living life. As long as he can write, as long as he can still express himself and as long as there are still movies to watch he continues to live life as much as he can under the most trying circumstances imaginable. Read the profile. It is something that you will never forget.

Ok, time for my list of all the things that I hate about NBCs Olympic coverage.

Point # 1: None of the events are live except for hockey, curling, and for some bizarre reason, cross country skiing. The women’s downhill was yesterday and it is one of the marquee events featuring an American athlete who is best in the world but battling an injury. This is one of those classic, much watch moments. Or it would be except that I read the results online four hours before NBC broadcasted them (seven hours delayed on the west coast.) Nowhere could you watch the event live. Sports are meant to be watched live and with the Games in Canada there is no excuse not to show everything live on one network or another.

Point # 2: Even what they show on tape is bad: Here is what we ended up seeing of the women’s downhill. The three medalists runs, the eighth place finisher, another American with a decent finish, and several people who crashed. That is it. What little drama was left after knowing the result was taken away by showing such a select few runs that each run was anti climatic. It was the worst broadcast of a sporting event that I can imagine.

Point # 3: For crying out loud I don’t give a damn about what Cris Collinsworth thinks about anything other than football and why his name is missing an H.

Point # 4: There are other countries: Now I am fully behind using the Olympics as a way to have jingoistic fervor. It is pretty much the entire point and I love having a socially acceptable moment in time where I can discuss my hatred towards the Swiss. But part of the fun of the Olympics is watching athletes from small countries that you barely know about just kicking all kinds of ass. Or even just watching Australian speed skaters dressed in their Tron outfits. Heck, just the concept of an Australian speed skater is enough to get my interest. NBC completely ignored it because of an American in the race.

Point # 5: NBC broadcasts the Olympics for people who don’t like sports: At the end of the day this is the heart of their coverage. Years ago marketers realized that people who watch the Olympics aren’t your typical sports fan. They are older and female and more interested in stories than competition. As a result, NBC tailored their coverage to this demographic who really doesn’t care that they know the result already. They mainly want to hear the uplifting human interest story behind it. On one level, that is fine and a decent marketing strategy.

On the other hand, it is completely wrong because the true base of the Olympics are sports fans. It may skew more in the non-traditional fan direction but the sports fans are still the core audience and we can’t stand this type of coverage. Despite the fact that I am someone who follows winter sports in non Olympic years I can’t find coverage of the events themselves anywhere. I just want to watch people skiing down a mountain, or skiing and shooting at things, or throwing large stones across ice. I want to see the competition and the drama of not knowing who will win. That was the thrill over the weekend with the moguls being shown live. Sadly, that thrill has been absent for the rest of the coverage.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The view from seat 8B

While flying Southwest over the weekend I heard the person sitting directly behind me ask for a seatbelt extension. He was incredibly polite about it and asked the attendant well before takeoff and even though we were on a full flight no one seemed to bother. I didn’t even turn around to look at the guy, which was a little odd just because I can’t recall hearing anyone ask for an extension before.

I mention this only because later in the weekend the director Kevin Smith was taken off a Southwest flight because he was too fat for the seat and made a great deal of online outrage in the aftermath. Ignoring the more important questions of when is Kevin Smith going to start making films that are actually funny again or why in the world is a Hollywood director flying Southwest this raises the point of obesity in America, air travel and where the two intersect.

I fly a lot. By my count I have been on fourteen flights so far this year and we are only seven weeks into the year. Life and work just have me on the road all of the time. I am also, as of this evening, six foot one and 208 pounds. Officially, I am not obese though I am medically defined as “a fat slob.” I could probably stand to lose twenty pounds especially since most of my weight is fat and not muscle. I don’t need a seat belt extender but there isn’t much slack especially if I am wearing a coat. So this is a pretty significant issue to me.

Here is my first point; no one is comfortable in a plane seat. It doesn’t matter who is seated next to me or if the seat is empty; it is just impossible for someone of my size to feel at ease. The best I can do is get a window seat and use the little bit of the window to give me some space. Stretching in the aisle typically results in my getting beaned by the beverage cart. It has gotten to the point where I will regularly take the middle seat because I know I will be uncomfortable no matter where I sit so I might as well take a middle seat at the front of the plane and least get out of there a little quicker.

Still, I have sat next to some rather large people and while I suffer through it it certainly isn’t very pleasant. I’m not entirely behind the forcing them to purchase a second ticket that some airlines make them do if only because I know of no way to enforce it. Who is too fat? Where is the cutoff and do we need to be weighed before we fly? That is what got Southwest in trouble. I’m betting the guy behind me was larger than Kevin Smith but he stayed while Kevin didn’t. The easiest solution would be for all of us to lose weight but until then the airlines will need to work on some solution.

In reality, my pet peeve is not large seatmates or those who bring smelly food on the plane or even the screaming infant flights (though those can be pure torture.) It is the war for overhead bin space especially since they started charging for checked bags. Just once I would like to see the airlines enforce the size of the bag rule. I have a regulation overhead bag that I place in the bin precisely to use the minimum space. Others seem to bring steamer trunks with them and will take up a whole bin on their own and don’t even get me started on the people who put coats and purses up there and get all upset when you move their stuff out of the way. It is a war on US Air to get your bag in the bin and it is the least enjoyable part of flying for me. Charging for bags is asinine to begin with but to have near fights over bin space is just annoying.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

They did not protect the house

We lost to Japan in Women’s Curling. I can now say that I am no longer proud to be an American even if I still know that I am free. Seriously, had a 6 – 4 lead after the sixth end and just completely lost it. An embarrassment to the entire US curling community. And don’t even get me started on the men’s game against the Germans.

(My favorite part of the Olympics: getting to follow obscure sports and having the once in every two years opportunity of letting my hatred for certain small European countries show. Go to hell, Latvia. Go to hell. Except for the one Latvian reader I picked up over the past few months. Your cool.)

Also, your Olympic fun fact for the day is that one of the curlers for Canada is five and a half months pregnant. You’ve got to love any sport that you can compete in while with child.

Otherwise things are rather quiet here so I will make this a quick post. Got a little more snow, which resulted in people having absolutely no idea how to drive. Amazing that with almost two feet of snow on the ground a further dusting resulted in everyone going ten miles an hour. It is rather mind boggling. Now I understand that I am more comfortable driving in snow than most people but this was rather ridiculous. I’ll admit that making turns when faced with a four foot snowbank is pretty daunting but driving straight should not be that difficult. Maybe that is just what I get for living in Delaware.

Two other things that shocked and or annoyed me in the past few days. I have been behind people at Dunkin Donuts and the post office who seem to be so oblivious that I don’t know how they reached either location. At Dunkin I was forced to wait while someone dealt with the fact that they must make a choice of whether to have sausage, bacon or ham on their breakfast sandwich. First off, it’s an easy choice to go with bacon but I think the big problem was the entire idea of a choice. Given that I was desperately needing coffee at the time this was not a wait I desired. The post office had me behind someone who could not figure out how to count out $1.39 to pay their bill. Took them five minutes until they finally handed over a five. And just remember, their vote counts the same as mine.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Needs more biathlon

Some Olympic thoughts from the opening weekend…

1) Like everyone else I must comment on the Georgian luger tragedy. Now I must state that I am someone with a pretty decent knowledge of luge. I watch it every Olympics and have even stopped and watched when I came across it in non-Olympic years. Can’t call myself an expert or anything but any event that I played in the Epyx Winter Games is one that holds a special place in my heart. Here is what I feel on it. A) I have never seen a slider launched from the track like that. I’ve never seen anyone even leave the track. B) That said, the logic of having exposed steel poles just feet from a track where people are going 90+ mph has to be questioned. C) I could have done without every network showing the full footage, including the guy hitting the post and dying instantly, over and over again. D) In the end, the track was too fast and the racer too inexperienced. Inexperience shouldn’t result in death though.

2) Obviously that put a damper on the Opening Ceremonies. For the most part I found them to be rather good, though the Devil Went Down to Georgia musical number seemed very out of place. Also, as much as I love k.d. lang singing Halleiluia (and I’ve seen her perform it in concert and it just sends chills down your spine) it is a very strange song to hear in a sporting contest. It is about relationships and breakups and doesn’t really fit in. Finally, the cauldron screw up has to be one of the most awkward endings since the Seoul Olympics where the doves that were released to symbolize peace went and sat in the cauldron and stayed there even when it was lit. (I’m not making this up.)

3) I have no idea how moguls skiers have any knees at all. You watch them through the middle section and you just feel like wincing as their ACLs are torn to shreds. Still, I wish there was an easier way to understand the scoring. The speed portion is easy. The style points for turns and aerials are an absolute mystery. This is one of those things about some events that drive me batty. Even ski jumping has style points and that event should simply be see who jumps the farthest.

4) I ended up watching cross country skiing this afternoon, which I have to admit is not the most exciting event in the world. The only fun part is that it is tradition that ever skier collapses when they cross the finish line. No other sport has this. Marathoners take a victory lap after they finish. Skiers collapse into a heap.

5) I’m already sick of NBCs coverage. First of all, they have been rather harsh on the athletes with no medal chances (I think they called one one of the worst in the world.) Then, even though the Olympic events are essentially taking place in LA from a time zone perspective I still can’t watch them live and find out who won hours before I can see it. Drives me insane.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Bruce Robison “Bruce Robison”
2) The Tragically Hip “Phantom Power”
3) Waco Brothers “Cowboy in Flames”
4) Various Artists “Exposed Roots: The Best of Alt Country”
5) Emmylou Harris “Stumble Into Grace”

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Have tauntaun will travel

Sometimes the core part of my nature gets the better of me. Such as when I am confronted with treacherous, snow covered roads. When most people would be glad to stay home from work and relax in their sweats and, uh, “telecommute” I basically go, “Where are my car keys?”

There are two reasons for this. One is just typical macho bullshit. Like most guys I have that part of me that has a constant need to prove just how tough I am. Since I am unable to prove it through things like athletic competitions or street fights I have to settle for more pedestrian pursuits like trivia contests and being able to drive in inclement weather. The other is that I am a guy from Chicago who has worked for utilities his entire life. As a result I feel that I can drive through anything short of the apocalypse and that my job is in jeopardy if I decide not to show up for work in the morning.

Yesterday the blizzard warning kept me home from work (though I still think I could have made it in.) Today I woke up, looked at the roads from my apartment windows and went, “I can drive through this.” So I did and made my way through what could only be called a bobsled run in order to make it to my office. Where I soon discovered that they had just sent out the official announcement that all nonessential employees should stay home for the day. Sigh. I might be an arrogant bastard but even I don’t consider myself to be essential.

I will say that Delaware did a good job on clearing the main roads. The side streets looked like hell but since I don’t really have to deal with them too much I was able to make it through. It is pretty remarkable to drive down the road with two to three feet of snow piled up on either side of you. The feeling of claustrophobia that strikes you is mind boggling. Even though your lane is the exact same size it always was it just feels so much narrower. For the record, Philadelphia has had more snow this year than Buffalo. Yes, the weather has been that nutty.

(And please, don’t give me this “Where is global warming now” crap just because it snowed. Winning a hand of poker does not make you the best poker player in the world. One piece of weather data does not invalidate years of data. Last decade was the warmest decade on record. The Northwest Passage became navigable for the first time in recorded history. Something is going on with the weather.)

Short post tonight but that is what happens when you spend a few days snowbound. The Olympics start tomorrow and that will give me plenty of topics to write about. Biathalon! Curling! Nordic Combined! These are a few of my favorite things…

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It's like Hoth out there

Here is what is incredibly enjoyable about living in a high rise apartment with great windows. I am able to watch birds try to fly into a forty mile an hour headwind. I spent much of my afternoon doing this. These little birds would give it everything they had and would start to make progress before they were forced to give up and go in the other direction. I swore that I was going to see one try to go into the wind to just be flipped backwards. It was incredible and the few that made it through impressed the hell out of me.

Yes, I spent the day at home as Snowmegeddon kept me locked up in my apartment all day. I still worked mind you. Took a conference call, actually had the telecommuting options work, and took care of probably ninety five percent of the tasks that I needed to today. Through it all I got to watch a white out as it was just nasty out there. What was strange is that when I woke up this morning it really wasn’t that bad. The roads looked passable and it was more sleeting than anything. But man, when the storm started it was as bad as I have seen in a long time. I’m happy I was able to stay inside.

Well, Sunday is Valentine’s Day and…wait a minute. This Sunday? Quick, clear the roads. I have to get to the mall.

See, this is a wonderful example of just how much my life has changed. If you look at my blog posts for February from 2005 through 2008 you will see the exact same comments in February. I will discuss how horrible it is to be single on Valentine’s Day, how one cannot go to a bar or a restaurant on that night without wanting to wash their eyes out with bleach and how I will be engaging in my annual tradition of sitting in a darkened apartment while listening to Smiths CDs and slowly cursing humanity. One year I believe I auctioned myself off as a date for that night offering a) a free dinner at Outback Steakhouse (said free dinner not to exceed twenty five dollars) and b) a ticket to join me at the Air Supply concert that night. Surprisingly, I had no takers. Even last year I think I kept the cynical veneer up even though I knew that Kim and I were going to be in New Orleans that night so I really had no room to complain about anything in my life.

Now I even wonder how I had that view at all. I’m engaged to the woman of my dreams and I’m looking forward to the day. Sure, it is a Hallmark holiday and all and the fact that it can be turned into a huge production number bothers me but I just have to smile at just how well my life is going at the moment. I’ve spent years searching for what I have right now. Two years ago I was the quiet guy at the end of the bar trying to figure out where life would lead him. I’m still wondering where life will lead me but I now have a partner in the journey and that makes all the difference in the world.

End note and a sad one at that. I would like to note the passing of Captain Phil Harris. For those of you who watch Deadliest Catch you will know Captain Phil as the gruff leader of the Cornelia Marie who was somehow able to keep everything together from his boat to his crew to his family while crab fishing off of Alaska. He passed away this week from complications from a stroke that he suffered while unloading crab at the dock. It is very difficult to judge someone who you only know from a television show but Phil always seemed like a good guy. He looked after his sons and worked as hard as he possibly could. It is sad to see him go so early but if going while doing the work that you love is any consolation, he went out on the job that he loved.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

As random as random can be



Per NFL rules I cannot post the actual moment of jubilation from Sunday night. However, nothing can stop me from posting this magnificent Tecmo Bowl recreation of the Terry Porter interception. Not even Tecmo Bo Jackson could make this play any better.

Well, after skipping out on the two largest winter storms of the season it looks like I will not be able to escape the third. I had such a string going so far as the two times that Delaware got hit with two feet of snow I conveniently found myself relaxing on the Gulf Coast with Kim. It’s a tough life I know but I feel that as someone who has willingly relocated himself to Delaware I deserve every escape possible. I couldn’t pull one off tonight as it is a very snowy evening with a foot expected at least. It is not white out conditions right now but I will say that I am glad to not find myself outside.

(Random note: Due to the fact that I watched much of the Super Bowl in a bar surrounded by Saints fans alternately screaming “Who Dat!” and “Where’s my beer!” I missed most of the commercials. Based on what I saw the best one involved Betty White in a bathtub chatting up a talking baby. Like I said, it was a long night.)

(Random note # 2: I did actually see a few people on Sunday wearing Colts jerseys. They were either the bravest or the dumbest people that I have ever seen in my entire life. Nothing happened to them that I saw but then again, this was a few hours before game time and the crowd was rather tame at that point.)

(Random note # 3: For all the people who laughed when I bought a Ford and told me how they would never buy an American car I really want to know what you think of your lovely Prius now? At least my car has a working brake and accelerator pedal. Also, how do you have a recall for floor mats? How difficult is it to design a floor mat? And wouldn’t the fix be: “Take out floor mat and place in trunk?”)

(Random note # 4: They released the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. This is vitally important for that subset of guys who do not have access to the internet and its vast amounts of free porn. I’m not sure who the market is for the swimsuit issue anymore. We might as well turn it into a nostalgia piece and just have it consist of old photos of Kathy Ireland and Elle McPherson.)

Be safe in the level three killstorm everyone.

Monday, February 08, 2010

I was there!!!!!


Ok, time for the latest round of Where’s Waldo. Kim and I are somewhere in that picture. I think. Things are a little blurry as you might expect.

A few of you are probably wondering why there has been a lack of posts the past few nights. The reason is rather simple: Kim and I decided to spend the weekend in New Orleans. How we happened to get caught up in the greatest party in the history of mankind is slightly more difficult to explain.

As I have mentioned before, Kim and I had our first date on Valentine’s Day in the French Quarter. She had never been to New Orleans and it is my favorite city so we felt that it would be a perfect first date destination. If it worked out well then we would have the greatest story ever and if it didn’t, well, at least we could drink beer on the street. What we really loved about that weekend, which is the weekend before Mardi Gras weekend, is that there is the Krewe of Barkus parade. A parade in which all of the residents of New Orleans dress their dogs up in costume and parade them through the French Quarter. It is hysterical and joyous and we immediately decided that we would be at the parade every year from that point on.

So a few months ago I booked our hotel and flights for our return trip. A few days later I realized that it was Super Bowl weekend. A few days after that I realized that the Saints had a legitimate chance to be in the Super Bowl. Two weeks ago I realized that we were in for the biggest time of our lives.

I’ve been going to New Orleans for about fifteen years now and I have never seen the city like this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was wearing black and gold. The streets were filled more than I had ever seen them before and outside of Mardi Gras and the Sugar Bowl I have been down there for the busiest days of the year. It was wild but in a completely joyful way. I don’t recall seeing any fights or arguments or anything outside of the normal lunacy found in the French Quarter. It was days and nights of people drinking and celebrating and screaming “Who dat!” at the top of their lungs. And this was before the game even started.

You could feel the roars in the French Quarter as the game went on. The entire place would shake after a good play. And after the game it was just bedlam. I’ve been in Chicago for the Bulls championships and nothing could compare. As we left today we saw Bourbon Street as they were trying to clean it and you couldn’t believe what it looked like. It was like a war zone if the war only took place inside a brewery. And no one had a care in the world about it.

Many more stories to come. Until then, here is the song (specifically starting at the 3:34 mark) that almost brought me to tears before the game even started.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Loreena McKennitt "The Visit"
2) R.E.M. "Reconstruction of the Fables"
3) Ryan Adams "Gold"
4) The Sundays "Static and Silence"
5) R.E.M. "Document"

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

I miss Opus and Bill the Cat

Calvin and Hobbes. The Far Side. Bloom County. Peanuts.

Do you remember how much of a joy it was to read the comics as a kid? I swear that at least half of the comics section was filled with strips that were outstanding and the rest at least at the Hagar the Horrible / Beatle Bailey level where you might simply chuckle but you still read them. The first group that I mentioned were simply required reading. Part of the reason my family subscribed to both Chicago papers was to read all four of them on a daily basis. And the amazing thing is, while we all remember these strips fondly, they have been out of print for at least a decade.

There are a few points to make about this. The first is that only now do I understand how tough it must be to write a daily strip and why some of the most successful people retire when they are seemingly at the top of their form. I struggle with the blog when I try to write five days a week and I have an audience of maybe twenty. Imagine what it was like for Gary Larson to write for an audience of millions who are all waiting for him to be ingenious and clever every single time. That is just so incredibly difficult that it must be maddening. Drawing comics might seem like a dream job and I bet for everyone in it it truly is but the challenge of staring at a blank piece of paper and telling yourself “Ok, now be funny” is so daunting most people wouldn’t even put pen to paper.

It is also interesting to note that nothing has really taken up the mantle from the classic strips and carried it into the new millennium. Dilbert has a loyal following amongst those of us who dwell in cubicles but I would say that it has fallen off greatly as of late. Fox Trot in many ways carried on the Calvin and Hobbes tradition but it too has been retired and now exists in a Sunday only format. I’m a fan of Get Fuzzy, which can at times be outrageously funny and I would like to name my next dog Satchel, but it has never really taken hold in the culture. To be honest the one strip I make sure to read every day is Doonesbury and this may just mean that I am old and curmudgeonly. In a few years I will simply find myself reading Mary Worth.

But the big thing is that the rise of the Internet and the death of the newspaper has also caused the death of the comic strip. Now, I know that the strips are available online and that in reality the business model should be the same either way. A comic strip is easier to check out online than a comic book or a newspaper article but for some reason it feels completely different. Maybe it is because we all grew up as kids stealing the comics from the newspaper so that we could sit on the floor and read them. It is the reason Sundays were fun: there was always a full color comic section to look forward to. I don’t mourn the loss of comics because I miss the humor. That can easily be replicated online. I miss the innocence and the connection to my youth and my laptop simply can’t replicate that.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Vanity thy plate is...

Just a lot of random points today…

1) While driving around town I have seen a car with the following license plate a lot: “DANJRES”. Said car happens to be a mini-van with references to a number of local junior high and high schools attached via bumper stickers, one of which may be extolling the virtues of an honor student. I believe this wins the award for “most ironic vanity plate ever.”

2) Here is the best celebrity arrest story that I have ever heard. Rip Torn was arrested on attempted bank robbery when he was found in a closed bank building highly intoxicated and carrying a loaded revolver. There are three different levels of awesome to this story. 1) Screw the typical celebrity arrest of drunk driving or being charged with performing lewd acts in a public restroom. Rip Torn was charged with trying to rob a freaking bank. 2) Not only does he get completely wasted he makes sure to carry his gun with him during the process. And 3) his explanation? “I was extremely drunk and mistook the bank for my house.” This just raises the question of how freaking awesome is Rip Torn’s house that he confused it with a bank? I mean, I don’t think that I could get drunk enough to make that mistake.

3) Hey the Grammies happened last night! Yeah, I didn’t watch either. Apparently Lady Gaga wore a wacky outfit and Pink acted as a human sprinkler. Oh, and the blonde haired country singer won some awards. No, not the American Idol one. The other one.

4) Burger King is reporting earnings tomorrow and there is concern that they are going to report another reduction in same store sales. What most people believe is the cause is that there advertising campaign with the King is attractive to young males but freaks the hell out of everyone else. To be honest, I can say the same thing about the menu. Burger King embraced the large, super sized, completely unhealthy menu items and readily promoted it as a good thing. I don’t think the world needs a triple Whopper. Outside of when I am at an airport and have no other option I can’t recall the last time I ate at Burger King.

5) Hey the Pro Bowl was last night too! Yeah, I didn’t watch that either.