Wednesday, December 23, 2015

2015 / 2016 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Time for part two of the Bowl Preview though I have to start with an apology from part one. I screwed up a joke by saying LIBAR instead of LIBOR. I know, it ruined everything and made the entire enterprise completely meaningless. I’ll try to make it up here as we look at the December 26 – December 30 bowl games otherwise known as “Congrats on winning seven games” bowls.

December 26
St. Petersburg Bowl: Connecticut vs. Marshall (St. Petersburg, Florida, Tropicana Field, 11 AM ESPN): If you are going to have a St. Petersburg bowl I think you really need to go all out and have it in Russia as opposed to a baseball stadium in Florida. I mean what would you rather have: a game played in front of Vladimir Putin or a game played in front of Billy the Marlin? (Yes, I know that is technically the Marlins mascot but I have no idea what the Rays mascot is called.) Fun fact: Illinois was scheduled to play a game in Moscow in 1989 or thereabouts but it was cancelled. That was the highlight of Illinois football for a good decade, though. Anyway, Connecticut is a state and Marshall is hopefully still coached by Matthew McConaughey.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Miami vs. Washington State (El Paso, Texas, Sun Bowl, 2 PM CBS): Miami of course gave us the best play of the year with the game winning, last second, twelve lateral, three illegal block in the backs, thirteen players on the field kickoff return in which the refs decided to all go “Screw it. Who the hell wants to see Duke win a football game anyway.” I am pretty sure that was Miami’s only highlight of the season as they fired their coach during the season and I can’t recall any of their other games and I follow Miami football. On the positive side, the Sun Bowl is actually played outdoors during the day making it one of the few bowl games that make logical, grammatical sense other than the times when it is played during an eclipse or, you know, the rain.

Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl: Washington vs. Southern Miss (Dallas, Cotton Bowl, 2:20 PM ESPN): Wow, talk about a conflict for the state of Washington. There are more than forty bowl games and the two teams from your state play at the same time in different games in Texas. Also, in talking about logic the Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl is played in the Cotton Bowl while the Cotton Bowl isn’t played in the Cotton Bowl. Sigh. As always, the fact that the Heart of Dallas Bowl is sponsored by a fried chicken chain just leads to cardiologist, cholesterol and bypass jokes. This year I will go with the Heart of Dallas is clogged with traffic like the drive through lane.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Indiana vs. Duke (Bronx, New York, Yankee Stadium, 3:30 PM ABC): You get one of these bowl games every year where you wish you were watching another sport instead except this time you are hoping for any sport other than football. I’m not sure how playing football in Yankee Stadium in December sounds like a good idea except for a) the people in the luxury boxes, b) the people selling hot chocolate or c) the people who are pleased by the fact that global warming has now made it possible to sell the Bronx as a luxury tropical destination. Plus, it is Indiana and Duke so we would rather watch them play each other in basketball. Hell, I’d rather watch their football teams play each other in basketball.

Camping World Independence Bowl: Tulsa vs. Virginia Tech (Shreveport, Louisiana, Independence Stadium, 5:45 PM ESPN): Correction from the last entry: there are three bowl games in Louisiana that Popeyes, which makes clear in every commercial how their affordable fried items of food like substances contain the soul of Louisiana, could sponsor instead of the one in the Bahamas that they do. Of course, to many of us this game will always be the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl in which we celebrated the freedom to attack our lawns with dangerous pieces of equipment. This will be Frank Beamer’s last game as coach of Virginia Tech so it is a bit of an end of an era and possibly the last time you will need to care about Virginia Tech football for a while. I’m not sure you have ever needed to care about Tulsa football unless you needed to make an innuendo with the term “Golden Hurricane.”

Foster Farms Bowl: UCLA vs. Nebraska (Santa Clara, California, Levi’s Stadium, 9:15 PM ESPN): This is your certified organic, locally produced, farmer’s market purchased, and slathered with ketchup bowl game.  Illinois beat Nebraska this year which should preclude Nebraska from making any bowl games or even admitting that this season ever occurred. Like they should just consider the past six months one long dream sequence in a movie though to be honest if we wiped out the last six months of all that has occurred in the state of Nebraska we would….probably not notice anything. I assume that the UCLA players are upset because they have to leave Los Angeles and therefore miss out on a commercial audition.

December 28
Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman: Pittsburgh vs. Navy (Annapolis, Maryland, Jack Stephens Field at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, 2:30 PM ESPN): It is tough to feel sorry for Pitt under any circumstance but wow, did they get a bad break on their bowl game this year. They have to play Navy in the Military Bowl which is being played in Annapolis and is sponsored by the military industrial complex. Outside of a government shutdown due to a budget impasse I really don’t see how Pitt can win this game unless they decided to, I don’t know, play it on land or something.

Quick Lane Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Minnesota (Detroit, Ford Field, 5 PM ESPN 2): We really should get a “30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee with this game. Seriously, cut out everything, use overtime rules, and just play the game that way. No one will notice. ESPN 2 will get the same ratings if they aired a test pattern. Minnesota isn’t even a .500 team and one of their wins came against Illinois so that doesn’t really count.

December 29
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: California vs. Air Force (Ft. Worth, Texas, Amon G. Carter Stadium, 2 PM ESPN): I do like the consistency of Air Force playing in the Armed Forces Bowl which is also sponsored by your friendly neighborhood military industrial complex. I’m pretty sure Eisenhower mentioned that in his farewell address “If we are not careful soon our nation will be run by organizations that sponsor third tier bowl games. Also, you should probably keep an eye on this Nixon guy.” I always find it interesting that athletically you always refer to the school as Cal or California but academically you always refer to it as Berkley as if they never want you to realize that it is the same place. But they are wrong so go Air Force and teach those damn hippies a lesson.

Russell Athletic Bowl: North Carolina vs. Baylor (Orlando, Orlando Citrus Bowl, 5:30 PM on ESPN): This game is not the Citrus Bowl even though it is being held in the Citrus Bowl though at least we do not have the whole Cotton Bowl situation here. This is more like a “give an excuse for more people to come to Disney World on winter break” game even though the parks are incredibly crowded already. Not a bad matchup though so feel free to watch it if you have nothing else to do on a Monday night and let’s face it after several days of dealing with family you really don’t want to have anything to do.

NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl: Nevada vs. Colorado State (Tucson, Arizona, Arizona Stadium, 7:30 PM on Campus Insiders): It is just cruel to have Nevada play in the Home Loans Bowl given that three quarters of the team had their houses foreclosed upon in the last ten years. This game is being shown on Campus Insiders which is….which is….seriously, what the hell is Campus Insiders? We can’t even get a real network for this game? There are twelve ESPN’s at the moment and even though I still can’t convince them to air Australian Rules Football again you’re telling me that no one wants to broadcast this game? The legacy of the Arizona Bowl deserves better than this.

AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl: LSU vs. Texas Tech (Houston, NRG Stadium, 9 PM ESPN): Finally we start getting some real games or at least games between teams you voluntarily watched during the season. LSU is always good for one ill-advised trick play that somehow works and Texas Tech decided years ago that playing defense just wasted time so this will be fun to watch. AdvoCare is one of those companies whose name sounds like the villain’s shell organization in a low budget science fiction film. “Don’t worry we here at AdvoCare care greatly about our customers. Just please don’t ask about V1 to V99. Especially V27. And for the record V74 was contained despite what you may read on the internet.”

December 30
Birmingham Bowl: Auburn vs. Memphis (Birmingham, Alabama, Legion Field, 12 PM, ESPN): Isn’t it at least a little unfair that they have Auburn playing in Birmingham? I understand the need to sell tickets and these bowl games are famous for having all the fans sit on one side of the stadium just to make it look better for the cameras but this is a bit ridiculous. One of the interesting parts of this season was the fact that some of the smaller schools (Temple, Memphis, Navy, Tulsa and a few others) put together really good records and for a second made it look like they might make it to a top tier game. Instead they basically have to play a road game. Well, at least the kids from Memphis are being paid for their trouble…

Belk Bowl: North Carolina State vs. Mississippi State (Charlotte, North Carolina, Bank of America Stadium, 3:30 PM ESPN): For all of those parents out there I really recommend using the word “Belk” as your all-purpose swear word for use in front of the children. “What the Belk?” “God, she is such a Belk.” “That is a bunch of Belk.” It works for all occasions. Plus, when they ask you what does Belk mean you could make up any answer you want and it will sound completely plausible because let’s face it: I don’t think anyone actually knows what the Belk Bowl is meant to represent. It is the mystery spot of bowl games. All we know is that since it is being played at Bank of America stadium the use of any competing bank’s cards will result in a three dollar fee and the coin toss must be returned by 5 PM to avoid additional penalties.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Louisville (Nashville, Nissan Stadium, 7 PM ESPN): Bowl sponsorships really do take away some of the fun of the bowl games. I miss the days of the Bluebonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. The Music City Bowl would have fit in perfectly back then. It is simple, fun and you have a good shot at figuring out which city the game is being held in. Now it just reminds you that the Christmas bills are coming due and you are going to have to scrounge for the mortgage payment. Pretty sure everyone will be cheering for the Aggies because a) Texas A&M fans travel well, b) no one in the state of Tennessee likes Louisville and c) there is always a chance that Johnny Manziel may stumble onto the field in uniform and decide to get in a few snaps.

National Funding Holiday Bowl: USC vs. Wisconsin (San Diego, Qualcomm Stadium, 10:30 PM, ESPN): Where to start on this one? Ok, National Funding is probably the scariest name for a bowl sponsor that I have ever seen and I really have no clue who they are. What nation are they funding? Is this a voluntary operation or are we going to be held up by our ankles in order to get every last cent from our pockets? Also, in this day of ATM cards is being held by your ankles an effective way of getting money from a person? This should easily be one of the best matchups of the bowls as Wisconsin is always tough and USC has talent to burn and really started playing well once they got rid of their coach for showing up drunk to practices. That is not a joke. Their coach was fired and sent to rehab with every indication that he was drunk on the sidelines. At Wisconsin they would put up a statue of you for that but at USC that is apparently a violation of school policy.  Anyway, a great game to end the night before the night otherwise known as “New Year’s Eve for those of us who don’t want to be surrounded by drunks.”



Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2015 / 2016 Bowl Preview: Part One

It’s that time a year again. Time to revive an old Battling the Current tradition of reviewing every single bowl game. Also, I need to post something this year otherwise Blogger will sell the kcgatsby domain from under me and I spent too much time building up brand equity (and then letting that equity fade into oblivion) for that to happen. Anyway, we will start with the Pre-Christmas bowl games otherwise known as the “You really don’t deserve this” bowls.

December 19
Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl: Alcorn State vs. North Carolina A&T (Atlanta, Georgia Dome, 12 ABC): Starting the bowl season off with a bang featuring two teams that I was unaware were playing Division I football (or FBS or whatever they are calling it now). Alcorn State is the alma mater of Steve McNair while North Carolina A&T is an indication that North Carolina has way too many schools. I mean you have North Carolina, North Carolina State, East Carolina, Western Carolina, Coastal Carolina, UNC-Charlotte plus Duke, Wake Forest and Elon (which I believe exists solely as an answer in crossword puzzles). Plus, why can’t we have Air Force playing in the Air Force Reserve Bowl?

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Arizona vs. New Mexico (Albuquerque, University Stadium, 2 PM ESPN): God, it must suck to play for New Mexico. First off, you have to go to school in New Mexico, a state that exists solely for the purpose of placing people in the witness protection program. Then, you play all year in front of a crowd of dozens in one of those conferences where the games are seemingly all played at 2 in the morning. Then, after striving and fending off injuries you get to play in a bowl game and where do you get to go? Albuquerque. Gildan indeed.

Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Utah (Las Vegas, Sam Boyd Stadium, 3:30 PM ABC): It’s BYU vs. Utah in Las Vegas! The casinos have all ordered extra sparkling water for the event. Everyone is invited to bring the wife and kids. And the other wife. And the other wife, you know the one that was caught in a catfishing scheme. I swear that every time I write one of these reviews BYU is playing in Las Vegas and I make the same comments. Except that this year they are sponsored by Royal Purple, which according to Wikipedia is a lubricant manufacturer. There is a joke there with Las Vegas and lubricant manufacturer but even I don’t want to go there.

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl: Ohio vs. Appalachian State (Montgomery, Alabama, Cramton Bowl, 5:30 PM ESPN): The fact that they named a bowl game after Gonzo’s chicken girlfriend is rather surprising but hey, who am I to judge. Plus, we have the Raycom Media game being shown on ESPN instead of, I don’t know, Raycom Media. Not much else to say other than a) we should probably call it The Ohio for consistency sake and b) here is another school to add to the North Carolina list.

Cure Bowl: San Jose State vs. Georgia State (Orlando, Orlando Citrus Bowl, 7 PM, CBSSN): Yes! It’s The Cure Bowl! Break out the eyeliner and mascara! Both teams will be dressed in black and after every touchdown the entire stadium will sing “Saturday’s great and Sunday always comes too late”. Turnovers will be met with a rousing rendition of Boys Don’t Cry. And don’t you dare miss the halftime performance…

(By the way, to my KC readers we will be seeing The Cure at Starlight in June so I can make my triumphant return to the city. And you damn well know that I will be making my way to a trivia game while there.)

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Arkansas State vs. Louisiana Tech (New Orleans, Mercedes-Benz Superdome, 9 PM ESPN): In one of the lesser known trophy games Arkansas and LSU play for the Golden Boot because if you look at Arkansas and Louisiana on a map it kind of looks like a boot. This has absolutely nothing to do with this game other than Arkansas State and Louisiana Tech should play for some type of trophy, possibly a Silver Slipper or a Bronze Ballet Flat. That said I will become an Arkansas State fan for a day if it gives me a reason to go to New Orleans.

December 21
Miami Beach Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. South Florida (Miami, Marlins Park, 2:30 PM ESPN): This is like the non-union equivalent of an SEC game. There is something completely wrong with calling a game the Beach Bowl and then playing it inside a domed baseball stadium. They should just make this game a flag football game on the beach. At least that would give us a reason to watch other than to see the Western Kentucky mascot and be reminded of Grimace.

December 22
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Akron vs. Utah State (Boise, Idaho, Albertsons Stadium, 3:30 PM ESPN): This is my favorite bowl game dating back to its origins as the Humanitarian Bowl. There is no bigger screw you to a college football player to spend all year permanently injuring yourself for no pay only to be sent to play an extra game on blue turf in Boise. Still better than being in Akron I suppose.  Also, the Potato Bowl sounds like one of those menu items at KFC that includes whatever is within reach of the cashier with the possibility, though no guarantee, of potato or potato by-products.

Marmot Boca Raton Bowl: Toledo vs. Temple (Boca Raton, Florida, FAU Stadium, 7 PM ESPN): This game is being sponsored by a rodent. I don’t care what anyone else says, I don’t care that Marmot is supposedly an outdoor clothing company, I see the name Marmot and I immediately think of a small, furry creature that lurks in swamps. This is the first game so far that I wouldn’t mind actually watching due to the fact that Temple has been much better this year than you would ever expect it to be.

December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. Northern Illinois (San Diego, Qualcomm Stadium, 4:30 PM ESPN): I have never understood the sponsorship of this game and this one has been around for years. I assume the only people who would care about the San Diego County Credit Union live in San Diego and as a result have much better things to do than watch a game between two schools they know nothing about. That said last year’s halftime show “A Tribute to LIBAR” was very touching. I’ll get into my rant about Northern Illinois being in a bowl and Illinois being delegated to oblivion in another entry.

GoDaddy Bowl: Georgia Southern vs. Bowling Green (Mobile, Alabama, Ladd-Peebles Stadium, 8 PM ESPN): GoDaddy is no longer going to sponsor Danica Patrick in NASCAR due to their belief that it is not the best use of their advertising dollars. Now think about all of the GoDaddy commercials you have seen in the past decade and ask yourself at what point did they ever do a cost-benefit analysis on their marketing budget before. Now I won’t be able to find Danica by looking for the green car and will now have to go back to looking to see who is running 21st. Anyway, this game exists and Ladd-Peebles sounds like a really cool name for a stadium.

December 24
Popeyes Bahamas Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Western Michigan (Nassau, Bahamas, Robinson National Stadium, 12 ESPN): Part of this game should just consist of the two teams hanging out on the beach and watching the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl and laughing their asses off. Talk about a sweet deal. I’ll take Christmas Eve in the Bahamas. Anyway, we have yet another directional state versus directional state contest and other than the location I really don’t know what to say other than despite the fact that there are two bowl games in New Orleans Popeyes sponsors one in the Bahamas. I guess fried chicken executives need a vacation as well.

Hawai’i Bowl: San Diego State vs. Cincinnati (Honolulu, Aloha Stadium, 8 PM ESPN): It’s a holiday tradition unlike any other. It’s Christmas Eve. The tree is lit, the presents are all wrapped, there is no snow to shovel because thanks to global warming winter no longer exists and you have a choice to make: do you spend time with your family or do you plop yourself down on the couch to watch two middling college football teams. The choice is clear. I mean, you spent good  money on that couch and it was such a pain getting it into the living room so you might as well make full use of it.


That is it for part one. Stay for part two where we review the holiday week games and hopefully have some involving teams you may have heard of.