Well, at least we scored 14 points...

My thoughts on last night’s game and a few other things that are floating around my head at the moment…




1) The irony is not lost on me that at one point during the night I switched from the game to watch The Biggest Loser again. Though it is always fun to watch Jillian Michaels swear at overweight people and then act shocked when those same people somehow are not encouraged to lose weight.

2) I had hope for the Irish last night and at least thought that they could keep the game close but they just could not hang with Alabama. My hope was that the game would start like the Oklahoma game where Alabama would put up big drives but get forced into field goals and then ND would get a big play to flip the game around. Instead they just could not make a stop all night and stood no chance at all. I will agree with a few other commentators though, I am not sure if there were many college teams that could have put up a good fight last night.

3) I would say that the biggest problem Notre Dame had was the long break between games. The Irish had been playing on emotion all season and had played well beyond what people had expected. When a team like that faces a long layoff that cohesiveness and spirit falls away and they just come out flat. On the other hand, Bama just rested up and healed and got back on track. Big difference.

4) Flying out of Florida this morning to Chicago I saw a lot of sad looking people in Notre Dame gear and this is from an airport several hours drive away from Miami. What I will say about that is that it must have been an amazing atmosphere there before the game if that is a sign as to how many ND fans traveled to the game. I knew several people who went and Kim and I were debating it over the past few weeks. I bet it was a good time no matter what the outcome.

5) For those wondering, that makes my alma maters 0 for 2 in title games in major sports (and screw you Sean May). I guess I should just be happy that my schools can occasionally compete at that level especially given that I am an Illini. One day we will have a football program in Champaign.

6) My one pop culture note for the night: I really hope that Taylor Swift’s next single is called “I apparently have long unresolved commitment issues.”

We'll just cry in our pizza

Well, I guess I am happy that I decided not to live blog the Bears game this afternoon. I thought about it then realized that I had too many other things to take care of than to dedicate three plus hours in front of the television and my laptop and in the end that saved me a great deal of heartache. Basically this post would just be “Oh wow, another incomplete pass…”, “Cutler is playing like crap today”, “Is Todd Collins the drunk Collins quarterback or the vaguely good Collins quarterback or neither” and “Why is the Bears season resting on the shoulders of a quarterback that I have never heard of before? Not in the sense that I didn’t know that he was on the Bears. I haven’t heard of this guy in college or the pros.” That said, I never fault a team for over achieving and no one expected the Bears to get this far at the beginning of the season. Hell, some people had them coming in last in the division.

I’ve also discovered that I’ve either become less of a Chicagoan as I’ve spent a decade now not living in the city or old age has finally caught up to me in terms of the weather. I spent most of my life shrugging off the cold. I often mention the fact that I once went to class when the air temperature was fifteen below zero (and a wind chill in the range of minus forty.) And this was for a 9 AM college class when I was a senior. Hell, I didn’t even have to go; I just went because there was no way a little wind was going to stop me from doing my job. Now, I go outside and it is twenty degrees out and I am just dying. I’m shivering and my fingertips ache (probably due to my walking to a freaking psychology class in below zero weather). I’ve become a snowbird in waiting.

Oh, and I guess I will say right now that I am very upset regarding the television schedule this week. Both How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory are repeats and The Biggest Loser is only going to be an hour due to the State of the Union address. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this country needs to get its priorities straight. A speech regarding our future should not preclude us from watching the two hours of joy that comes from watching obese people exercise. Especially since last week two of the contestants somehow gained nine pounds apiece while on the show. I don’t think I’ve ever gained nine pounds in a week in my life. I don’t know how you do that on a weight loss show.

Also, is it just me or has everyone fallen a bit out of favor with The Big Bang Theory. I don’t know if it is the move to Thursday or just the fact that it has been a real lackluster season but it has gone to one of my favorite shows ever to one that I watch when I get around to it. I’ve missed episodes and I have a few sitting on my DVR that I will watch eventually but I am in no hurry to see. Meanwhile I get upset if I miss an episode of Holmes Inspection, which has taught me to never hire a contractor in Canada. But I want the Big Bang Theory to be good and this season just isn’t working and I don’t know why. The addition of Blossom is good, the Bernadette character is hysterical and Penny and Leonard actually make sense as a broken up couple which is weird given they had no chemistry as an actual couple which is made even more bizarre by the fact that they were dating in real life. Anyone else feel this way?

That is about it. Let’s all be safe out there this week.

Best of 120 Minutes: For some reason I was struggling to think of a song to post tonight and Primus jumped into my head. Two things: 1) I never did get a chance to see these guys in concert and I kind of feel bad about it and 2) I completely forgot about the nachos subplot in this video.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Tift Merritt “Home is Loud”
2) Josh Rouse “El Turista”
3) Liz Phair “Liz Phair”
4) Golden Smog “Weird Tales”
5) Guided by Voices “Human Amusements at Hourly Rates”

Tiger mothers and other thoughts

Have a few more random notes for the night.

1) I’ve already achieved one of my New Year’s resolutions. Last Sunday this blog received over 200 hits completely shattering my goal of breaking 100. For the record, I was not one of those hits as I took the entire day off from the blog. I assume this means that I was linked to by something though I have no real clue what it could possibly be. Still, great to know that I have readers out there.

2) Here is one of those strange stats I found out while trying to figure out how I go that much traffic. If you use google this site is one of the top links if you a) search for “strawberry shortcake’s enemy” or b) images of Rolos candy. I have no idea why either is the case but I get a surprising amount of traffic from it.

3) I also did find proof that I am still listed as a blogger who supports Funkhouser for mayor of Kansas City and I guess that I will now officially state that I am fully behind keeping the Funk in Kansas City. No town is in more desperate need of funk than KC. Hey, he brought the Chiefs a home playoff game. What more could you want? Plowed streets? A sports arena that actually showcases, you know, sports of some kind?

4) I am glad to see that the Biggest Loser is now letting us know a little more about the level of workouts that the contestants are doing and how we might measure up. As in last night I was slightly slower doing my 5K on a treadmill than two morbidly obese people running a tag team 5K on a treadmill. I’m not sure what my response to that should be. I guess I am roughly as fit as two really fat people put together. That doesn’t sound nearly as impressive as I would like.

5) There is a lot of press around that Tiger Mother book that basically states that the proper way to raise a child is by forcing them to be successful at everything, do not have them participate in sports, and grow up friendless which, now that I think about it, sounds surprisingly like my childhood. Actually, I’m pretty appalled by what I’ve read in the media about the parenting technique because it just sounds like the perfect way to have a kid burn out at 16. I actually wasn’t pressured into being the top student at the expense of everything else. It just happened to be the way I am and I found that my competitive streak was better suited for academics than sports. My parents didn’t push me in any way; they were amazingly supportive.

The reason I say this burns kids out is something I learned in electrical engineering and saw a ton of people suffer from in my MBA program, which is the higher the level of education you go the more likely you are to become average. When I entered EE I went from being one of the smartest people around to being pretty typical. Some classes I was above average, some I was below. That is a huge shot to your ego and not everyone can adjust to it. I was prepared for it in grad school but others weren’t. It is amazing to sit in a room filled with brilliant people during orientation and realize that from this moment on half the people here are below average.

The other thing, and a few commentators have brought this out, is that this whole parenting method is presented as a Chinese thing when in reality it is simply an immigrant thing. All immigrant groups place a focus on their children becoming successful and academics is the easiest path to success. The pressure to do your best is not new to society at all. I was raised to understand that school was important, that college was not expected but required and that the biggest thing at the end of the day is not how well you did but rather that you did your very best. If I was raised any other way I don’t think I would have turned out nearly as well.

A not so long weekend

This might be the best explanation of my current state of football fandom. On Saturday afternoon I had to choose between watching A) Notre Dame vs. Navy on CBS, B) Penn State vs. Minnesota on ESPNU or C) Illinois vs. Indiana on an alternate feed of the Big 10 Network that for the first quarter did not have any sound. I chose C and I was damn glad I did (though when the announcers came back on I kind of questioned it.) Of all my teams Illinois may very well be the best and they are certainly the most fun to watch.

Notre Dame was just pitiful this week. Now Navy is a good squad but we should not lose to them and certainly should not lose to them three out of the past four years. In fact, I shouldn’t be able to say with pride that I was at the game the last time we beat Navy and the last time we beat USC. But it is not just that we lost. We were just pounded and could not stop Navy. Even the two times we forced them to pass they lit us up. That is just depressing. The fact is without joining a conference I don’t see the team getting any better. Right now we are just hoping to be a middling team that will probably be destroyed at home by Utah. You kind of hope for better than that.

Otherwise the most productive thing I did this weekend was put in 4.67 miles on the treadmill in an hour. For those wondering I have gotten my weight down to around 200 pounds for a loss of ten pounds since May. While I wouldn’t say that I am nearing the level of anything called athletic the fact is not that long ago I would have a hard time going at 4.7 miles an hour on the treadmill for more than a few minutes. Now I’m basically averaging that over the course of an hour and I just need to cut one minute off of my time in order to run three miles in under my age. I’m getting fit, which is a pretty sweet accomplishment.

Thinking about that and having read a few more articles on obesity in America it makes me wonder more and more about the Biggest Loser and just how bizarre a program that it is. While the show is inspirational in that you watch extremely obese people overcome myriad challenges and lose an insane amount of weight there are two really disturbing aspects to the show. The first is one that I often discuss which is that since it is a reality show contestants get voted off. Typically these contestants are the worst performers which means that they actually require the most help. So the show kicks to the curb the people who aren’t fit to be role models.

The second point is that in a two hour episode there might be two minutes of actual advice about how to lose weight that isn’t tied to a product endorsement. Sure, we see Bob and Jillian working out the contestants but we aren’t told what exercise routines they are doing, or for how long, or what they feel the best circuit to use is. We get occasional discussions about diet but nothing very concrete. If you want either of those you are encouraged to purchase one of their books or DVDs. On a show that is about fitness with a motto this year of paying it forward watching it actually teaches you nothing about what you need to do. I don’t expect Project Runway to teach me how to sew but the Biggest Loser should give me advice on how to lose weight.

Best of 120 Minutes: There are very few bands that I love more than The Sundays. They are easily in my top ten list of absolute favorite bands that I have ever heard. Life would be so much better if there were more bands like this out there.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Soul Coughing “Lust in Phaze”
2) The Pat McGee Band “Shine”
3) The Mike Plume Band “Fools for the Radio”
4) Old Crow Medicine Show “Tennessee Pusher”
5) Alejandro Escovedo “Street Songs of Love”

Songs to make a grown man cry

Your Biggest Loser Update: Lindsay Lohan has checked back into rehab. Oh wait, I meant the show The Biggest Loser update. In that case, two of the contestants who were eliminated last week (in the classic “Let’s make the chronically obese run a mile in order to win the right to be on a reality show” event) were chosen by the trainers to compete on the show. Bob chose Aaron because he was the heaviest contestant and wanted to lose weight for his son. Jillian chose Eliza because she passed out in her competition, which showed grit and determination in the fact that she didn’t die. I’m sorry, but I really hate Jillian’s “work out until you pass out” philosophy because that is a wonderful way to injure yourself. I really wish they wouldn’t promote it.

Anyway, this week’s episode was your typical first week show where everyone struggles with the workouts but loses immense amounts of weight because a) they kind of fudge the number of weeks they’ve been working out and b) when you go from doing nothing to four hours plus of heavy exercise your body goes into crisis mode. Again, I still don’t consider it the healthiest way to lose weight but it is impressive to see someone drop ten percent of their body weight.

Switching gears, some music mag (PRS for Music, whatever the hell that is) put together a list of “The Top 10 Songs Most Likely to Make a Guy Cry.” Let’s break down the list, shall we?

10: Robbie Williams “Angels”: No clue what this song is. Robbie Williams is one of those British dance pop people whose career started when they were a teenager and has never ended. Think Kylie Minogue without the talent or charisma. On second thought, just think Kylie Minogue.

9: Todd Duncan “Unchained Melody”: This is the original version of the song from “Ghost”. It might make me vaguely bleary eyed but it won’t start me crying. Thinking about Demi Moore hooking up with Ashton Kutcher is a different story.

8: Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia”: I always felt that this song was dark but not one that would lend itself to tears. I always felt that the beat gave it a bit of defiance to it. Not sure why this is on the list.

7: Elton John “Candle in the Wind”: Ok, this one I can get behind. References Marilyn Monroe and has over time been connected with alternately victims of AIDS and Princess Diana. The song has become more depressing due to these connections and the fact that you’ve probably heard it during a funeral at some point in your life.

6: The Verve “The Drugs Don’t Work”: Don’t know this one either. Sorry. I’m still not sure if The Verve and The Verve Pipe are the same band or not.

5: U2 “With or Without You”: Ok, I’m lost on this one. I have listened to this song probably a thousand times in my life and I have never been tempted to cry. In fact, as a kid I always assumed that it was a rather romantic song. I can guarantee you that people have used it as a wedding song. If anyone can explain to me why this would make a guy cry please let me know.

4: Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares 2 U”: Interesting choice if nothing else. I’m not sure if I would say that it would make me cry. More like it causes me to sit there in stunned silence. The song is absolutely brilliant and raw and strikes at your soul. Ok, watching Sinead shed that one single tear in the video will make you cry. That is a given.

3: Leonard Cohen “Hallelujah”: Sigh. I have listened to at least a dozen different versions of this song. I don’t even want to guess how many times I have listened to Jeff Buckley’s version (or the fact that I have maybe ten different recordings of Jeff singing it in my collection.) But amongst all that, despite the fact that it is about love gone wrong, it’s never made me cry or think about crying. Hell, k.d. lang sang it after they lit the torch in the Opening Ceremonies. Doesn’t belong on the list at all.

2: Eric Clapton “Tears in Heaven”: Ok, this one belongs on the list. I’m not even going to try writing about it because I will mist up and this is given the fact that I hate Eric Clapton with every fiber of my being.

1: R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts”: If you had me try to choose the most depressing song of all time this might make the cut. The video is as dark as dark can be but again, the song itself really doesn’t drive one to tears. That is really the problem with this list. While music has been an emotional touchstone in my life I really can’t say that it causes crying. Even when you listen to sad songs it is more of a comfort than anything else. At least you know that someone else has walked the same path as you have.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I got this list from The Onion’s AV Club and in the comments someone made the point that some songs bring you to tears not because they are sad but because they are transcendent. The example everyone used was Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up”. I really can’t disagree with the reasoning.

Even I can be too cynical

In addition to the dead deer on the side of the road that is required viewing on apparently every trip in Pennsylvania I saw the following on my drive home from work. I was behind a pretty beat up Toyota truck. The paint on the Toyota logo on the tailgate was fading to nonexistent, there was a ton of wear and tear on the vehicle and just in general you could tell that the truck had seen better days. However, the truck had a bumper sticker on it; one that appeared to be out of focus even when you were stopped as if even the bumper sticker had been bought out of a discount bin. The bumper sticker simply read…

This truck is an answered prayer

As I have often admitted I am a cynical bastard and as a result part of me wants to take the combination of the bumper sticker and the truck and make a reference to praying harder. I feel horrible that that is really one of the thoughts that pops into my head. In reality, this bumper sticker is probably more honest than anything that I have written in the past six years. For that driver this truck could possibly be the best thing that ever happened to them and they are proud to give thanks for it. It might not be the most beautiful vehicle on the road but it is theirs and they are grateful for it.

I do wonder why I am a bit (ok more than a bit) of an ass when I see things like that. I guess more than anything I am a bit of a classist. That is odd given that I grew up in a pretty blue collar town and will never view myself as being upper class. But I think that the work I have done and the crowds that I find myself in has taken me away from my roots. As I have often said I am anything but average and sometimes I can lose that connection. Not that I am better than anyone else, lord knows that isn’t true, but my life is so different than even what I imagined it to be as a kid that I have to remind myself that being a cynical bastard is a horrible way to go through life.

Though I must say the cynical bastard in me always enjoys the first episode of the Biggest Loser. The early episodes are always the best as a) the contestants are in much worse shape than I am and b) they eliminate people who desperately need to be on the show or else they might die. I will always say that there is no crueler show than The Biggest Loser and this season is no exception. They went to 8 cities and weighed in three contestants. Then in each city the three contestants had to compete against each other (like run a mile) and whoever came in last didn’t make the show. Thus by definition the person most in need of assistance will not be on the show.

What happens when you have extremely unfit people run a mile with a reality show on the line? What you would expect: people collapsing, mental breakdowns and one trip to the hospital. Just incredibly cruel especially after you are introduced to each potential contestant and every single one of them has a sob story to tell. No one is overweight because they are lazy and ate too much. Each one has a personal tragedy that just hits you in the gut and that makes their eliminations all the more painful. I watched all two hours and while I learned nothing about how to lose weight I did learn that life sucks for a lot of people. Maybe I should just be grateful for what I have.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I mentioned the lost art of making a mixtape last week. As luck would have it longtime friend of the blog Tift Merritt released a song on that very subject on her latest release. Figured it would be a nice way to end the night.

Maybe she could bedazzle the bracelet

It is really difficult to complain about losing weight after watching the finale of The Biggest Loser. When you see people lose more weight than you actually weigh the thought of losing ten pounds doesn’t seem to be that difficult. The top performers this season all lost roughly half of their body weight, which is just insane. The good news is most of them look to be at a healthy weight right now and the winner could actually still lose a little more due to the fact that he started off at over 500 pounds. That has been my complaint about past years as the winners have lost so much weight they went in the other direction and were no longer healthy. Still, more encouragement for me to get off my ass and work out.

The best news of the week so far is that they did not arrest Lindsay Lohan when she returned to the States. This is mainly due to her (or someone close to her) posting a 100,000 dollar bond. At the moment I can’t believe that she has that much money to her name or that anyone would post bail for her. Seems like just tossing money away at this point.

She made her usual court appearance where she tries to look serious and like an adult and appeared shocked I tell you shocked when the judge states that she is not impressed with the steps she is taking. As a result Lindsay has to undergo random drug testing and wear one of those ankle bracelets that record whether or not you are drinking. She tried to get out of wearing the bracelet by claiming that she is shooting a film in Texas and it would interfere in the filming due to the high number of scenes that show off her left ankle. This could be a valid excuse if she was actually filming scenes this month but she isn’t. So instead she just lied to a judge in the hopes of being able to drink without detection. Have to admire her determination at a minimum.

Anyway that is going to be all for the blog tonight. It’s getting rather late and I have to get in line at the movie theater for Sex and the City 2. I can’t wait to see what wild adventures Samantha gets into this time. Maybe they will even talk about shoes. Sigh. I wish I could complain about this some more but I can’t without admitting that I spent part of my evening reading recaps of pro wrestling shows from over ten years ago. To each their own I guess.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so

In order to get started on the weight loss resolution I did get back into the exercise mode today by doing my twenty minutes of yoga. Two things of note. It is really sad when twenty minutes of yoga, which includes two minutes of just standing still and breathing deeply, leaves me completely out of breath. Also, I am extremely upset that the Warrior pose does not involve my grabbing the ring ropes and shaking them up and down repeatedly. Complete false advertising there by the yoga establishment if you ask me.

Strangest thing that I read all day: The Johnson and Johnson heiress who died at 30 yesterday was the fiancée of Tila Tequila. Now it is difficult enough to logically comprehend a sentence that includes heiress, fiancée and Tila Tequila. Then add in the fact that even though 90 percent of my life is pop culture even I didn’t know about this engagement, relationship or the fact that there was a Johnson and Johnson heir out there. Want to hear something even worse? Tila was twittering about this as she was dying. Because remember kids, heartfelt grief is best expressed in 140 characters or less.

A few more reality show notes to pass along. I did watch part of the premiere episode of this season of The Biggest Loser. The first episode is always kind of a mixed bag as I can feel happy that all the contestants are heavier than me while knowing that at least one hour of the show is going to be devoted to contestants crying about their weight. By the end of the show I have to watch contestants in better shape than I am while I cry about being a fat slob. Have to admit the show does have a very noticeable progression throughout the season. What still bothers me about the show is that every single person on the show needs to lose weight and within the first hour four people had been booted off the ranch. That is rather cruel. You go through this entire tryout period where you admit that you are obese and need help and once you finally get there you are sent home and given a pint of Ben and Jerry’s as a parting gift. No show is that cruel.

Well, except for the Bachelor though I did not watch that season premiere. Ooh, the bachelor is a pilot, which is great because that means he will never be home. Never got into this show though I am so hoping for a second season of More to Love. It is the perfect merger of the Bachelor and The Biggest Loser. (Oh, and Luke and Tali from More to Love are no longer together. What a surprise. I told him he should have chosen Mandy.)

12th Best Album of the Decade: The Frames “Burn the Maps” (2005): I don’t think I have to say anything more about my fandom of Glen Hansard and The Frames. It’s bombastic Irish rock in the best possible way. Even a song like Keepsake, which is about leaving your house, breaking the key in the lock, and setting the whole place on fire. The raw energy in these songs is just amazing. Probably my favorite band of the decade.

Yes, I hang out at coffee shops now. I'm so arty.

From the Oddities of Modern Life File: A few days ago I saw in a strip mall a store called Simply Amish. What other options for an Amish store would there be? Extravagently Amish? Pimp Your Ride the Amish Way? Also, does the store have electricity? That would really seem to go against the entire theme. At a minimum they should use the old carbon sheets for credit card payments as opposed to an internet connection.

Should I be ashamed at how interested I was in the final episode of The Biggest Loser tonight? Or the fact that I think that I watched every episode this season? Not every moment of every episode, given that it often broke down into watching grown men cry for five minutes at a time followed by an in show ad for Extra Sugar Free Gum (It’s like eating but it’s not!). Hell, even the finale featured a blatant plug for Subway, which was promoted as a healthy eating option for little kids because they need foot long sandwiches at their age.

As much as I was hoping for it, none of the contestants actually gained weight over the four months they were on the show. Not that I was hoping for anyone to fail miserably; I just wanted to see how the producers would try to spin that one. For the most part I was incredibly impressed by what the contestants accomplished. I think the lowest percentage weight loss was 20% and a lot of them look really good. The winners lost about 45% of their starting weight, which is insane and requires them to get to a weight that I still don’t know if it is healthy. They aren’t skinny but I’m of a belief that you need to have some weight on you. Back when I was six one and weighed 150 pounds I was officially within the normal weight range for my height. But trust me, it wasn’t healthy at all.

On my current weight loss goals on Monday I weighed in at 193.5 pounds just 3.5 pounds shy of my overall goal. See, once I get to 190 I can tell my doctors to screw off because I will no longer officially be considered overweight. True, I’ll still have all of my medical issues but at least I will not be deemed a fatty per a chart. This is down from my max of 215 (when I really did feel as if I was fat) so I’m proud of what I’ve done. Been doing runs of three and a half miles on the treadmill recently with minimal issues so I actually feel like I have some stamina once again. Nice thing about having free time; it is much easier to work out now.

(Oh, but I should remind myself to not go out drinking immediately after running three and a half miles. I did that on Friday and let’s just say that the beer hit me much quicker than I expected it to. Not particularly fun though it did get me playing Dance Dance Revolution, which is also something I should not do after running. Given my rhythm it is probably something I should never do in the first place.)

Anyway, time to explain the picture at the top of the page. As my goal of completing a massive jigsaw puzzle has been, uh, sidetracked for the time being I decided to keep my stalker happy by getting focused on the novel. (Given that the novel is #2 on my list of things to do and the puzzle is #6 I should have tackled them it that order to begin with. Learning to juggle still tops the list though.) Since yesterday taught me that working in my home office can be a bit of a challenge I decided to be the bohemian slacker that I am and go to a coffee shop.

So I have moved from a cube to this. Armed with a rather massive cup of coffee I am joined by Julie the Laptop as well as Julie the Zune. Yeah, I still have the whole Julie Delpy obsession going. For those who remember, Julie is my old laptop who spent nearly six years as my daily companion. We’ve been through everything together; moves, promotions, storms, all faced side by side. That is of course until I turfed her last year for a newer model. But like all guys I have come crawling back hoping for forgiveness.

More accurately, Julie is smaller than my current laptop and is a lot easier to carry. Plus six years of daily use means that I am just innately used to the keyboard even if the letters have actually been worn off of the keypad. It also has a great laziness protector as she predates wi-fi so I can’t even get online when I use her. It is all business when I fire her up.

That’s what today was. Four hours of working on the novel at least in terms of setup. I ended up with a two page synopsis of the entire story, an outline with about 60 preliminary chapter ideas with the first seven or eight set in stone ready to get started, and a full cast of characters. Including a brand new character that I only thought up today who might end up stealing the entire novel. She’s already worked her way into the opening chapter and I’ve had that planned for four years. Writing will start tomorrow, let’s set a 45 day goal on this, and I’ll hopefully be done by the end of May. Anyone willing to bet me on my ability to do this (with all proceeds going to autism research) please let me know. Game on.

My reality just slightly tops reality TV

As I am now unemployed, I find myself undertaking various tasks that are fitting to my current situation. Such as going out on a Monday night and then spending Tuesday wandering around in a fog until making macaroni and cheese for lunch sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea. We’re not talking about any fancy recipe mac and cheese here. We’re talking Kraft, fluorescent orange, mac and cheese. I didn’t even spring for the dinosaur shaped noodles. I keep it old school.

What is interesting is the amazingly detailed directions you find on the box. Not only do they tell you to boil water but they actually show you specifically what level to set the burner to. I find that very useful as I tend to view the kitchen the same as viewed my chemistry labs in college. I don’t want to be there, I have an unnerving sense that if I make a mistake I might end up in the hospital, and the only reason I’m going through with this is some misplaced opinion that it will one day impress a woman. Hence, when they tell me to use six cups of water I am measuring out exactly six cups of water. I use a stopwatch for cooking times. Kraft thankfully provides me with these important details as I settle down to cook (or at least make) mac and cheese. This is possibly because they made the instructions to be understood by a nine year old as opposed to someone with multiple degrees. Sometimes I’m amazed that I’ve made it this far on my own.

Next step on the unemployment express, getting me one of those General Grievous motorcycles as mentioned in the comments. Have to love any vehicle that takes the inherent instability of a motorcycle and ups it by essentially turning it into a motorized unicycle. It seems to be an awfully dangerous form of transportation for someone whose heart is exposed in a plastic container outside of his robotic body (wow, that is a metaphor for myself that I haven’t used yet.) Apparently the empire cut funding to their engineering schools because their designs are awfully flawed. Maybe they should consider outsourcing.

Switching gears, I did watch a bit of The Biggest Loser tonight. I couldn’t watch all of it mainly because I have gotten rather bored of watching grown men cry over how much weight that they’ve lost. I’ve never quite understood this aspect of reality shows. Every time someone is voted off there is a tearful goodbye to the point that you think that the contestant is going to be given the Old Yeller treatment as soon as they go off screen. When in reality they are going back home for a few blissful days of not being recorded every moment of every day. Sure, I understand why the losing contestant is crying because they could have won money if they stayed. But it’s not like the other contestants are never going to see him again.

Oh, and while flipping around the dial yesterday I found proof that by the end of the year everyone will be on television. Coming soon on Animal Planet “Groomer Has It”. Hosted by Jai, the culture guy from Queer Eye, this show features twelve dog groomers in competition to prove who has the top dog grooming skills. With elimination challenges and drama and intrigue and villains and what the hell am I writing here? It’s a show about people who cut dogs’ hair! A species that has existed for thousands of years without ever needing any additional grooming. At least on Top Chef I watch people cook and I do technically have to eat. The dog will just shed in summer. Yeah, it’s horrible for the carpet but at least it is not the basis of a game show. And people wonder why I’m so cynical.

There's a reason why the Professor never got them off the island

I continue to find watching The Biggest Loser fascinating. It’s the only time where you can see an overweight person lose four pounds in a week and be completely ashamed at their lack of accomplishment. I’ve talked about this before but the show is just cruel at times while often breaking into self parody. Such as the trainer tips that are simply embedded commercials. Once or twice in each episode a trainer will be with two of the contestants and discuss cooking “using Pam nonstick spray” or storing your salad in “Ziplock freezer containers.” Tonight they just broke down and showed a pack of Extra sugarfree gum sitting on a windowsill for no reason whatsoever.

We also had a trainer talking back to the host (an actress from Days of Our Lives who probably appreciates a second paycheck for simply saying “Tonight you weigh…”) for asking what she considered mean questions. I mean, come on. You are a cast member on a freaking game show. These people have been doing this for months now. Pointing out that odds are they aren’t going to win is not the worst thing in the world. It just seemed so over the top that it was almost nonsensical.

On a similar subject did anyone else see the news story about the 800 pound man whose date was cancelled due to an “accident”? No, it did not involve anything like a floor collapse, don’t be so cynical now. Apparently there is a guy in Mexico who weighed 1,200 pounds. He’s since lost 400 pounds and to celebrate that rather impressive feat he was going to leave the house and go on a date with his girlfriend. However, plans got derailed when the canopy top of the truck he was riding in struck a streetlight, fell apart and the guy started sweating too much so they took him back home. This story leaves me with one question and one question only. How can an 800 pound man pick up a girlfriend while I can’t? Does that just define how big of a loser I actually am?

On a lighter note (get it, lighter note? Ah if I didn’t laugh at myself I’d be forced to spend all day listening to The Cure) the other big news story is Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island being sentenced for having pot in her car. This definitely changes the whole Ginger vs. Mary Ann question. Ginger is prettier and sultrier and would draw more attention hanging from your arm in a bar but would also be high maintenance and require a large clothes allowance. Mary Ann is wholesome, can cook a coconut cream pie and apparently knows where to score some pot. Mary Ann it is then. Unless you’re just in it for the money in which Mrs. Howell has to be discussed but I’ll avoid that topic for the time being.

Oh, and one other news items that made my week. Battlebots is coming back! On ESPN no less because battling robots is clearly the future of sports. It will be a competition between college teams so I apparently will need to reenroll to enter. Maybe I can lead the University of Phoenix online team or something. I mean, nothing can compare to my modified Roomba vacuum cleaner with the spinning blades of death. Some people will question why Battlebots is suitable for ESPN. I would like to point out that this is the network that features non-stop poker coverage, old bull riding competitions on ESPN Classic, and seemingly nightly episodes of the “Giant foreign men lifting large objects” competition. Fighting robots is actually a step in the right direction.

Best nomination since Before Sunset

For once I get to be happy about Oscar nominations. Glen got nominated for an Oscar! It’s tough to explain how cool this is for me. I’ve been talking about how awesome the Frames are for nearly four years and now the lead singer just received an Oscar nod for a song he wrote. I’m just glad that the guy is finally getting the recognition that he deserves. He might actually win as well as his main competition are three songs from Enchanted. We can only hope for the best.

(Actually, what we can hope for is that there will be an actual Oscar ceremony and that Glen and Markeeta will be allowed to perform. That would be awesome.)

It’s going to be another quick post tonight as I am feeling better but still am not quite myself. Saw a doctor today and wasn’t given a complete clean bill of health but enough of one that I should probably be able to make it into the office tomorrow. Sadly, my weight and my drinking are now both subjects of interest for my doctor and I’ll have to address both. I can’t really argue with either of those. I am carrying too much weight for my frame, not a significant amount but definitely too much. As for the other one, let’s just say that I will be significantly cutting back in the near term. This weekend has proven to be quite a fright to me. One day I might explain why.

I did watch The Biggest Loser tonight, which might become a worthwhile obsession now. Let me state that for the record I am probably not fat. I’m six foot one and slightly over 200 pounds, which is over the 190 maximum that I am supposed to weigh. So it’s not like I’m pleasantly plump or anything. The biggest issue is that it’s not like I carry much muscle mass so I do have a bit of a tummy. I think the bigger concern is that if I just keep on putting on weight things will get very bad very quickly.

So I watch The Biggest Loser with interest as someone who wants to lose weight but also as a reality TV junkie. The TV junkie is the one that feels better. In a two hour episode I believe that the only weight loss advice I received was “eat a healthy breakfast” and “work out”. Oh and work on you core for balance. It’s not really an advice type of show. What it really is is a Survivor type elimination show where poor performers (or people viewed as threats) are sent home. That might be the most bizarre aspect of the show.

I mean, it’s a show about people who are significantly overweight getting a chance to completely change their lives. Except every week we tell some of them to go home, we don’t want you anymore. It might be the cruelest aspect of any show I’ve ever seen. You can be pissed for losing on Survivor or The Amazing Race but it doesn’t impact your overall well being. Here you’re asking contestants to risk other people’s health as part of a show. It’s kind of bizarre.

That said, glad the yellow team survived. For a divorced couple they are rather inspiring. They probably won’t win but they sure try their hardest.

I challenge Sakai

Wednesday Night Music Club: Thought that I’d give a local band some love tonight. I really think that Vedera deserves to break into the mainstream. They’re easily the best local band that I have seen and seem to have every component of a big act. Heck, with a cute lead singer and good songs they have most of the marketplace beat. Why they aren’t being played on MTV is besides me. Probably because no one is played on MTV anymore.

Sorry if the American Gladiators post didn’t turn out quite the way I expected it to. It’s tough to do play by play on a show that you start actively disliking halfway through. At least The Pick Up Artist was consistently funny that made it great to review. It also didn’t help that I started the night by watching all two hours of The Biggest Loser. There is something about watching extremely fat people exercise that I find surprisingly entertaining. It’s so bizarre to be lazily lying on the couch while wondering if the person on tv is about to have a heart attack.

The Biggest Loser is a strange show for a variety of reasons. For a weight loss show you really don’t learn much about how to lose weight other than exercise and don’t eat crappy foods. I also have a slight issue with what one of the trainers said last night. Jillian said “I love to see people puke, I love to see people pass out” with regards to exercise. That sounds way too much like a bad high school football coach for me. I thought it was pretty much universally agreed that working out until your body decides that unconsciousness is the best option is a horrible thing to do. Yes, you need to push yourself to the point where you want to quit and then keep on going but not to the point where the ambulance arrives.

Also, I really want to know how they edit this show. You are putting unfit people through really intense workouts, which means that every muscle should be aching. I want to find out how the contestants even walk the second day much less put in hours of cardio. I know that I feel sore when I start up an exercise program for these people it must be a lot worse.

Still, if you like to watch people stand on scales this show is for you. Some people get to be happy about changing their bodies and others somehow gain weight while on the show. That’s an accomplishment in its own right.

I also have something to add on American Gladiators. I had a serious problem with the way the show is presented. Basically, it is trying the sports entertainment approach with a focus on the entertainment and that really strikes me the wrong way. I can understand it with wrestling because it is an accepted fact that what you are watching is fake but this show is a competition and at the back of yoru mind you want it treated as such. My other problem is that they are trying to be funny by being over the top but they blow it by telling everyone that they are over the top.

My counterexample is Iron Chef. Everything on that show is overblown; the sets, the chairman, the entire idea of a Kitchen Stadium and the incredible show of unveiling the secret ingredient. As bizarre as the entire thing is though everyone plays it straight. They know that it is silly but it is treated as serious. That makes it funny (and the original Japanese version was hysterical at times because it seemed as if cooking was a life or death struggle). The spectacle catches your eye, the competition keeps your focus. American Gladiators misses the point completely.