Lindsay Lohan: Threat or Menace

Ok, I know I write about Lindsay Lohan a lot but the stories this week have just been too good to pass up. Here is some background to keep in mind when you read this. My Beloved Lindsay is currently on probation due to her DUI / cocaine possession / crazy woman conviction. As part of her probation she was supposed to attend weekly alcohol abuse meetings unless she was forced to leave town due to business in which case she would be able to travel with a judge’s permission. Given that no one will hire Lindsay for anything other than dancing around a pole this did not seem like much of a challenge. However, going into her court date on Thursday she had not attended enough meetings and as of Thursday would be in violation of her probation.

Now where was Lindsay in those last weeks prior to the court date? Running around town doubling up on meetings just to meet the deadline like a kid cramming for finals? Of course not that would be silly and / or rather logical. Instead she was at the Cannes Film Festival theoretically promoting a new film. Again, no one believes that such a film exists or that anyone would want to see her star in anything. And even if she did you would have to think that you would prefer not to have your star in jail when the film is released to an audience larger than the Blockbuster video next door that is about to shut down. So basically she just spent the week getting trashed at parties. But don’t worry, she’ll get home in time for her court date.

Except that she missed her first flight “due to the Iceland volcano.” This is almost a believable claim given that some flights were cancelled this week due to the ash in the air produced by our good friends in Iceland because they have nothing else to do. (If you lived in Iceland you would probably want to ruin everyone else’s fun too.) However, people looked into it and found out that there were plenty of flights leaving Paris for the States with seats available. Yes, she might have needed to take a train to Paris but it was certainly manageable. So it was time for the second excuse which is….

Someone stole her passport. Yes, the same woman who had thousands of dollars of jewelry stolen from her in Heathrow now had someone steal her passport. When I travel outside the country I am basically paranoid about my passport. If it is not on me it is locked in a safe somewhere and I have a photocopy of the information page on me. I never understand how someone loses a passport or has one stolen unless they have a purse or backpack stolen. But Lindsay, on the day she has to fly back to the States for a probation hearing that will most likely end in jail time just happens to lose her passport. What a coincidence.

We should just admit it right now. Lindsay is a criminal fugitive who has fled overseas in an attempt to find political amnesty in a foreign country. She’s like Roman Polanski except with more cocaine and less felony charges. We need to get Interpol on this (along with telling them to stop making such crappy records.) She is a menace who must be brought to justice.

Wednesday Night Music Club: David Ford covering the Counting Crows “Round Here” in his typical one man band fashion. Why this guy isn’t a huge star just amazes me. Saw him as an opening act for Gomez a few years back and was just blown away by his performance.