80's Video Critical Interpretation: Lesson Two

Bon Jovi MTV Music

Per a very vocal request here is a line by line deconstruction of one of the most popular songs of my high school (and well beyond) life: Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”.

Living on a Prayer
Lyrics by Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora and Desmond Child

Note #1: Desmond Child is a songwriter who is also responsible for “You Give Love a Bad Name” and “Living La Vida Loca.” Take that for what you will other than the fact that not all of the lyrical credit in this song can be given to Messrs. Sambora and Bon Jovi.

Once upon a time
Not so long ago

Much like a prologue in a Shakespearean drama, the opening couplet to the song is used to set the stage for the action to follow. In this case the scene is created that the song will be a fairy tale of sorts but one set in a more modern era. Hence we do not expect to find neither knights nor dragons nor imperial stormtroopers but we still anticipate a morality fable to arise over the next four minutes.

Tommy used to work on the docks

This lyric introduces us to the protagonist of the song who is clearly a blue collar worker due to the fact that a) he is a former dockworker and b) does not go by a more formal name such as Tom or Thomas. Also, it immediately raises the question of just how did Tommy lose his job working on the docks, which is answered in the next line.

Union’s been on strike

This provides us with more vital information on Tommy. He is clearly a member of the union, most likely the Teamsters, and given the assumed setting of New Jersey he may quite possibly know the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body. We can also assume a more Democratic leading political ideology that is being shaken due to the length of the strike.

He’s down on his luck it’s tough. So tough.

Here is the first instance in which the lyrics of the song break down from acceptable logic. First, we are led to believe that Tommy is out of work due to the union strike. However, as a union member Tommy could have prevented this via his vote or by taking a more vocal position in union matters and preventing or at a minimum, settling the strike. Also, as it appears that the union is not providing for its members during the strike Tommy should have had the forethought and initiative to prepare himself for such a situation if it would arise. Thus while it may be tough luck has absolutely nothing to do with it. A simple degree of financial planning and political activism would have made his problems rather inconsequential.

Gina works the diner all day

As is common it most forms of modern literature after the introduction of the male protagonist it is customary to introduce the female lead. In this instance it is Gina, a service industry employee and if one can suppose based on name and New Jersey residency most likely Italian. Clearly she either works double shifts or lies to Tommy about what she does all day.

Note #2: Until reading the lyrics I had always assumed that this line was “Gina wants to die of old age”, which, to be honest, is not exactly the type of lyric one expects in a pop rock song. That said, it is preferable to “Gina wishes to die in a freak Weed Whacker accident at 23.”

Working for her man

The meaning here is rather unclear. Does Tommy own the diner or is he simply a manager? Is there an almost pimp like aspect to their relationship? Or is she simply working while Tommy is sitting on his ass, drinking beer and watching the Mets game?

She brings home her pay for love. For love.

Again, we have to once again raise the strange implications of a pimp relationship here. Or that she needs to bring Tommy financial assistance for him to love her. Sure, one can read this as she is madly in love with him and would do everything, including pour coffee to truckers all day, in order to please him but you aren’t going to get a master’s in English if you view things that simply.

(Chorus begins)
She says we’ve got to hold on to what we got

Clearly Gina wears the pants in this relationship. She dictates what actions should be taken, shows the initiative that Tommy is sorely lacking, and possesses the financial acumen to understand that at this moment in time all unnecessary expenses are verboten.

‘Cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not

A slight change in tone here as a degree of realism or fatalism (depending on your point of view) comes into play. While she pleads for her and Tommy to hold on to their mutual possessions she also has succumbed to the reality that their actions will have no significant impact on their overall situation. Much like characters in a Kafka short story or a Beckett play they are totally at the whim of outside forces.

We’ve got each other and that’s a lot

I wish to propose an alternate reading to this line than that published in most critical texts. Typically music scholars view this on a metaphorical level in that having each other in terms of a loving and caring relationship matters more than what any tangible asset (whether financial or material) could bring. I believe that this line should be read much more literally. Given the high level of obesity found in the state of New Jersey I believe that here the point is being made that by having each other they have a lot just in terms of pure mass.

For love we’ll give it a shot

This line is almost defeatist by nature. Instead of stating that all effort will be given due to the loving relationship they state that they will only make a token effort. Any degree of success is lessened by the sheer lack of determination.

We’re halfway there

In a rather interesting piece of songcraft this part of the chorus does not make any sense until the reading of the second verse. Nowhere in the song up to this point has a trip been mentioned so it is impossible to understand just where are we halfway to. This creates an air of mystery that has been sorely lacking to this point.

Livin’ on a prayer

Referencing again the poverty and dire situations that could have been easily avoided through better career management or not buying that new Camaro.

Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear

This may be the most troubling line of the entire song. Just a few lines earlier it was made clear that it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not. But now one party is declaring to the gods above that they will make it even though it will apparently not make a difference. Is this a matter of effort for no reason other than pride? A delusion that they can impact events that are out of their control? A contrived reason to hold hands? The debate rages on.

Livin’ on a prayer

See above

(Second verse)
Tommy got his six string in hock

In an effort to increase his current cash assets Tommy has been forced to pawn his guitar. Now as Tommy’s music career has not been mentioned up to this point we can safely assume that he is not earning any income via his guitar. Thus while he was implored to hold on to what he’s got in this case it is a sensible solution to momentarily relieve himself of one of his assets in the name of greater liquidity.

Now he’s holding in
What he used to make talk so tough. It’s tough.

Along with poor career planning Tommy also has significant emotional issues. As shown in these lines Tommy can only profess emotions through his guitar and once removed he is psychologically shaken. Also note the fact that he used his guitar to talk tough in an effort to suppress a childhood trauma that he has yet to come to grips with.

Gina dreams of running away

A completely sensible dream for someone in a relationship with an emotionally stunted, unemployed man who is forced to live in New Jersey.

When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers “Baby it’s okay. Someday.”

Personally, I do not agree with some of the other critics who take the crying to be symbolic of an abusive relationship. I find myself in the camp that the smog and pollution found in lower class areas would naturally create eye secretions in the evening hours. In this case Tommy is simply reassuring her of his belief that environmental regulations will soon pass Congress and thus greatly reduce the emissions of the nearby plants.

Repeat Chorus

Or, in the words of Herman’s Hermits “Second verse, same as the first.”

We’ve got to hold on, ready or not

Truly, this couple needs every excuse imaginable to just hold hands. Even if they did not prepare by washing beforehand or properly trimming their nails. Also, if it doesn’t make a difference would it really matter if they are ready or not?

You live for the fight when it’s all that you got

The moral of the tale in eleven words. If through lack of foresight all you have remaining is anger and resentment that is all your life will revolve around.

Repeat Chorus until either a) tight jeans begin to chafe or b) harness fails and you fall into the crowd

And I'm back... (again)

For those wondering, no I did not go into hiding after yet another Notre Dame defeat. Or even for Illinois losing the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk to Northwestern. Wait, it’s not the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk anymore? Do you mean that not only did we lose the Chief but we lost the Tomahawk as well? Who cares about playing for the Land of Lincoln trophy, which is apparently shaped like a stovepipe hat? I think the NCAA is doing everything it can to make Illini athletics even more depressing than it usually is.

Anyway, the reason for a lack of posts is that I was traveling for work and since I don’t have a laptop (and internet access in the hotel’s business center cost forty cents a minute) I didn’t have a chance to post. It is nice to know though that I am well on my way to being officially named a Road Warrior. All I need is my pair of spiked shoulder pads and I will be good to go.

I don’t know about anyone else but every once in a while I get hit with this irrational fear that I am landing at the wrong airport in the wrong city. Given how much I fly and the fact that I have never gotten on the wrong plane this would seem to be a rather low probability. Even so I still look out the window for some sign that I am in the right place even though for the most part every place looks the same. I will say that at least when I land in Philly I know that I am there; mainly because it is the only airport where your plane will be stuck in a fifteen minute traffic jam on the way back to the terminal.

But as a result of all of this I am just dead tired at the moment and really just want to crawl into bed. I’ll write more tomorrow and I promise some posts over the weekend to make up for the lack of content.

Random Note of the Day: Eggo shortages are expected in 2010. Prepare your hoarding techniques now or face the consequences. Leggo my Eggo will no longer be an empty threat.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Here is some My Morning Jacket (in tuxedo jackets, naturally) to brighten up the mood.

Hoping for a bid in the Brut (by Faberge) Sun Bowl

I get the most wonderful things in the mail. Earlier this week due to my status as a regular donor I received my Notre Dame Football Bowl Game ticket application in which I could request tickets for Notre Dame’s appearance in either the Rose, Sugar, Orange, Fiesta or BCS Championship Game. I am not making this up. Apparently the Notre Dame athletic department is holding on to the hope that all twenty five teams ranked in front of us lose all of their remaining games by fifty points apiece.

(In fact my only options for games that ND could possibly attend are the Cotton Bowl, the Gator Bowl (free DeBolt!), or the fabled “Any bowl not listed on this application, even if said bowl might be held in Detroit.”)

Let’s face it, like most Notre Dame fans I am rather dispirited after having to watch a second defeat to Navy in three years. It is great that we admire the students of the Naval Academy for their hard work and dedication and devotion to our country. That doesn’t mean that we should lose to them, though. And the fact is, though Notre Dame blew about a half dozen scoring opportunities in the game I can’t sit here and say that Notre Dame was the best team on the field. At some point you have to start looking at the coach.

I’m not going to get into the fundamentals here. The defense was horrible to the point of being non-existent and it has been that way for years. I don’t know why that is the case, if it is coaching or recruiting, but you would think that defense would be the hallmark of an ND team. It ties into the type of athlete we recruit. Smart, hardworking, tenacious, all of the qualities that make up a great defensive player. We might not get the best athletes but the ones that we do get should be the smartest and most dedicated guys that you could find.

That is really my biggest problem with the team. They do so many things that are the antithesis of what Notre Dame football should be about. Offensive lineman (and Jimmy Claussen) pick up stupid personal fouls. The snap count seems to be forgotten once a series. Coverages are blown and composure is lost. All of these are things that ND players should never do. We are really meant to be Navy with better athletes. We may not have the sheer talent of an Alabama but in a perfect world we would beat them through intelligence and discipline. Right now that thought seems rather laughable.

Basically I am done with the Charlie Weis experiment or as I like to call it “Life with Chaz.” He has never shown that he can beat a team that he isn’t expected to beat or consistently beat the opponent in an even match up. Sure he can develop offensive talent for the pros but they do not achieve what they are capable of in college. I just don’t see the leadership or even the creation of a team in his image. Maybe Gruden can come in and turn things around. I just hope that I don’t have to watch us lose to a team coached by Dave Freaking Waanstadt for a second year in a row.

80's Video Critical Interpretation: Lesson One

In what may or may not become a recurring feature on the blog I am going to take one video from the 1980’s and truly dive into the treasure trove of symbolism and clichés held within. Tonight we will start with Def Leppard’s “Rock of Ages.”

· First off, does anyone else find it strange watching a Def Leppard video in which the drummer has the use of both of his arms? We’re at the point now where a one armed drummer is considered the norm.

· The video starts off with the classic chorus of monks singing “Glooper Gleebum Glotten Globun”, which is Olde English for “Let’s hope this looks cool in twenty five years.”

· The monks appear from time to time throughout the video to provide a chorus. Typically bands would have scantily clad women perform this role but Def Leppard kept it real. They knew what their fans wanted and they wanted hooded monks.

· I have no idea why at one point the main image is of the guitarist’s ass in tight white jeans. That said, this video was made during an era where Judas Priest made videos featuring the band in studded leather and no one questioned the meaning of that at all.

· The primary portion of the video is your classic early eighties performance piece in which the band acts as though they are performing. Which would be true except that none of the instruments are plugged in, there are no monitors on the stage and they clearly aren’t on the same beat. Except for the drummer of course because no one could ever figure out how to fake hitting a cymbal.

· Keeping with the monks we also have the damsel in distress chained to some sort of tree like thing. This implies a whole dragon slayer motif that becomes especially clear when the lead singer pulls out a sword.

· Let’s examine the sword in more detail. First off, it is pretty clear what the sword symbolizes. Large, straight objects held at crotch level typically have only one meaning especially when they are so comically large that they would be a rather ineffective weapon in warfare against dragons. But more importantly, why did the lead singer grab a sword? I know it was the 80’s but wouldn’t there be a better item in the arsenal to defeat a fire breathing lizard?

· And in the most classic scene, the singer lays down his sword for it to become a guitar, thus showing that the guitar is the modern version of the sword and that the band are the metaphorical recreations of knights and thus should get all of the maidens to show them their wares backstage after the show. However, this doesn’t address the fact that the lead singer ends up with a guitar that he cannot play. I mean, what the hell is he going to do with it? Wouldn’t he want a mic stand instead?

· In the end the maiden is freed, the monks continue singing, and the band realizes that in the video for Photograph they really need to up the amount of scantily clad women.

We can enter kindergarten now!

Break out the cake and streamers! Put on the fanciful party hats! Prepare a plate of the finest meats and cheeses in all the land! Battling the Current has turned five years old!

Yes, in an accomplishment that even I have a hard time believing I have now been running this blog for five years. That encompasses 1,290 posts, somewhere around 800,000 words and an obsession with Lindsay Lohan that has seen her go from starring in Mean Girls to getting arrested in Hollywood to being unable to get arrested in Hollywood. She has gone from a hot young starlet worthy of a crush to someone who even looking at her picture online makes you wonder if you need a shot of penicillin. Just shows what five years can do to somebody.

I, on the other hand, have aged rather well. As I’ve said on many occasions I don’t think I ever expected the blog to turn out the way it has. I didn’t exactly start it as a lark (as I knew precisely what I wanted to do with it) but I never anticipated having enough material to write about night after night after night. Sure, I kept a writer’s journal but I didn’t expect anyone would actually want to read it. Now over the course of a month I have hits from every continent and a surprisingly large fan base in Norway. (Shout out to my Norwegians! Johann Olav Koss rules!) I look at the hit map daily and I am amazed by it every time.

I find it fascinating to look back over the archives and see just what I was writing about at any point in time. You can get a glimpse into what was on my mind, what was going on in the world or just get a sense of time and place. That is the wonder of writing every day; it does provide you with a record of your life. True, most people don’t share theirs with the entire world but it is very worthwhile.

I will say that it has changed over the years. I really feel that my writing style has improved and that the humor flows a little easier now. I have increased the multimedia aspects and would still like to do more of that. But most of all I think I have found my voice. I know what I want to write about and how to make it work. I always dreamed of being a novelist but in reality I think what I am best at is precisely what I am doing. I know how to write short essays filled with self-deprecating humor that expose some facts on modern life. I may not have written a novel yet but I have this to my credit.

There is one change that has occurred over the past year and as always Glen Hansard explains it better than I do. I read an interview with him today and he mentioned “When you are sad you write pages in your diary. On your happiest days the pages are blank.” Some people may have noticed that the blog has had more than a few blank pages over this past year and for good reason. I am happier with my life now than I can ever recall. I am dating the woman of my dreams, I have a job that challenges me and my life finally seems to be in order. That wasn’t the case when I started this. In fact, it was pretty much the exact opposite. It is amazing what can happen to someone in a few years time and it is nice to know that this site documents it.

To everyone, thanks for reading this and commenting and just taking a second to check out my little corner of cyberspace. I’m going to keep on writing until I come up with a good reason to stop. But I figure I have to hit a million words now. Too close to stop.

Oh, and my gift to you is I am opening the blog again for questions or post ideas. Any lingering questions on your mind? Do you need to know how a thermos can keep coffee hot and lemonade cold? Just send them my way.

A nation of ignorance

(Apologies for the picture quality. This is what you get when all you have on hand is a four year old camera phone.)

I’ve been wondering about whether or not the average American has become dumber recently. This sign really seemed to symbolize what I am seeing much too often. It was on the elevator at the Shop Rite near my apartment and no, I don’t know why a grocery store requires an elevator. I was stunned when I saw it because the terminology used could only imply one of two things: 1) the author did not know the phrase “Out of Order” or 2) the author realized that most of the people in the store would not understand what “Out of Order” meant and had to describe it instead.

Is it me or this one of the most depressing things that you have ever seen? I mean, we are not talking about high level reasoning here. We are not looking for the use of integral calculus or a well thought out critique on the role of Ophelia in Hamlet. Just a three word sign indicating that one elevator is not operating properly. Yet even something that simple, something so basic that I cannot recall a time where I would not understand the phrase, seems completely beyond the comprehension of the typical Delaware resident.

I am seeing this more and more often. It is almost as though the logic in the movie Idiocracy is coming true. Evolution is now working in reverse. Instead of a continual striving towards excellence we are in a race towards the bottom. Intelligence is no longer a desired trait. It has become an evolutionary disadvantage.

It really does bother me how society really does have a negative view towards intelligence and reason. I still remember the first time I saw the “My kid beats up your honor student” bumper sticker. Given that I was an honor student who had to work to avoid his share of beatings I really can’t stand things like this. Striving to be smart, to do well in school and being excellent in your endeavors is something that should be applauded. If I am the best in my school on the football field I am a hero. If I am the best in the classroom I am the jerk who ruined the curve. In school people really did yell at me for doing my best on a test and making them look bad. Imagine if I told the quarterback to suck more so I would look better in comparison. What do you think the reaction would be then?

Some people may say that I am being silly and using high school as an analogy for the rest of my life but I really feel that this hatred of knowledge is perpetrating all aspects of society. How many people are afraid of vaccinations because they believe that it is all some sort of scientific plot? They’d rather risk their lives or the lives of their loved ones than trust knowledge and reason. How many people cling to beliefs that are really no more than superstitions? Walk down the store aisles, watch the infomercials and see how the market plays on people’s ignorance and fear. News coverage on all fronts has become little more than fear mongering. It really makes me worry about the state of our society. I don’t want to be part of the last generation of people who can truly consider themselves to be intelligent.

Now excuse me, I have to go watch my tape of Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Candy Everybody Wants

As I mentioned last week one of the strange aspects of the 21st Century version of Halloween is that everyone buys candy for trick or treaters who do not appear because everyone is afraid of sending their kids out to get candy from strangers. This leaves adults with a glut of candy that tends to end up in their offices. My company has decided that the wise solution is to donate that candy in an effort to…promote obesity? I’m not quite certain who benefits from candy donations. Anyway, this is all just a wonderful reason for me to reminisce about some of the candy that I obtained in my trick or treating prime.

Candy Corn: I may be the only person on the planet who actually enjoys candy corn. I could eat it all day. In the middle of July I will see a bag of candy corn in the store that has clearly been there for nine months and have to be physically restrained from buying it. This despite the fact that candy corn has no discernable taste or even reason to exist. I just consider it to be the physical embodiment of awesomeness. Also, I really do have to wonder about why we are donating candy corn to the poor as it is like going, “Sorry you can’t have real vegetables but here is a confectionary vision of what vegetables are like.”

Circus Peanuts: In the history of the planet no one has ever eaten a circus peanut. I believe that they may be the least popular candy ever made. In fact, I don’t even know if they technically make them. I think that they made one batch in 1967 and they have sat on store shelves ever since. If you went into a store and put a note on the back of a bag of circus peanuts and returned in a year that same bag would still be there. Please, if any of my worldwide readers can profess to being a fan of this item let it be known in the comments.

Nerds: Ah, one of the candies of the gods. Now, as someone who was called a nerd his entire childhood (shocking, I know) I was at first a little hesitant about a candy called Nerds. I mean it is just another opening for wet willies and the dreaded rear admiral. But, Nerds were absolutely kick ass. You got two flavors that you could either enjoy on their own or in combination and the entire thing was basically pure sugar. Even better was the fact that it wasn’t something that you would down in thirty seconds. A candy bar is finished in moments but a box of Nerds could last you an entire day. Best fifty cents you could ever spend.



Whatchamacalit: Is it a chocolate bar? Is it a peanut butter bar? Is it one of those damn Fiber One bars that I am now forced to eat as an adult in an effort to become “regular?” No one knows. It is the glowing briefcase in Pulp Fiction of candy bars. Everyone has theories but there is no conclusive proof.

Rolos: The favorite of dentists everywhere. In fact, I have always assumed that most of the candy industry is funded by dentists in a wonderful perpetual cycle of tooth decay. Nothing can be more tasty and more damaging than the Rolo. Just gooey caramel and chocolate that will stick to your molars and you can actually feel it tear the enamel away and you just don’t care. I mean, it is freaking caramel! You would drink a glass of the stuff if you could.

Dr. Pepper: Wait you say. Dr. Pepper isn’t candy? That may be true everywhere except in wonderful Berwyn where as a kid one of our neighbors would on Halloween give each of us a can of Dr. Pepper. I swear I am not making this up. All of my brothers can attest to this fact. I have never understood why this was the case or why none of us ever questioned it. I love my hometown but you have to admit this might explain why I ended up being someone who you wouldn’t describe as typical.

Best of 120 Minutes: I don’t know if the Freddy Jones Band ever appeared on 120 Minutes but I listened to them in college so I figured that it would be a good match. Plus I believe that this video captures every early 90’s video cliché imaginable. Out of focus band shots? Check. Angsty slow motion? Check. Unnecessary use of blue screen? Check. Great band though.



The five random CDs of the week (new car, same story):
1) Loreena McKennitt “The Book of Secrets”
2) Gillian Welch “Time (The Revelator)”
3) Son Volt “American Central Dust”
4) The Iguanas “Super Ball”
5) Jay Bennett and Edward Burch “The Palace at 4 AM (Part One)”

And you've won a brand new car!

Well I’ve finally done it. I’ve broken down and purchased a new car. Mainly because my old car had broken down as well. Let me explain the entire process.

As I may have mentioned before I have had an issue with my passenger side window. As in it had fallen off the track and now was unable to move. (The moment that it first fell off may have coincided with Kim trying to lower it though I blame eight years of wear over her actions.) Now for the past few months this was crappy but manageable. I’d push the window up so that it was as flush as could be and a week later it slides down, I spend a drive with more wind than I would like and I push it back up again. That worked great until last night when I took a turn that caused the window to fall completely off the track and go down into the depths of the door where it could not be returned leaving me sans a window.

If I lived in a more temperate climate this may not be so bad. It would at least be manageable and since I never keep anything of value in my car it is not like I was at risk of anything being taken. However, Delaware in November is rather cold and rainy and that makes the act of driving to work rather painful when you have one window rolled down in forty degree weather. Hence, it was time to buy a new car.

For the record I’ve been planning to buy a new car for months. My Grand Am was eight years old with just under 84,000 miles on it, all of which I had driven. She still ran well and someone is going to end up with a nice car when they fix her up but it was time for me to say goodbye. And yes, I did literally have to go and say goodbye when I traded her in. Think about it: that car was with me every moment from when I went to Notre Dame to today. That is a pretty sizable chunk of my life spent in the comfortable, if stained, seats.

So I went to my local Ford dealer to pick up a car. I chose Ford for two simple reasons. One, I’m not a communist so I buy American. I had been a GM guy but given that Ford has been doing well and I don’t trust GM at the moment they had my vote. Plus, Kim is from a Ford family and if I have learned anything in life is that you keep the family happy. Not that I would have chosen differently even if she wasn’t but let’s face it, after the whole paying for dinner fiasco of a few years ago I now try to be as conscious as possible about these things.

What did I buy? I am now the proud owner of a Ford Taurus and trust me, this isn’t one of those old Taurus’s that you probably drove in Driver’s Ed. This car is pretty freaking sweet. Great pickup, nice engine, stylish as all get out. I am really psyched about owning this car. Officially I am going to refer to it as the Taunton. Partly because I used it to escape from the cold and partly because there is a glow in the dark emergency latch in the trunk that will allow me to escape from the inside. Hence I literally can crawl up inside the belly of the car if need be to protect myself from the weather on Hoth and then escape in the morning. What better reason to buy a car than that?

The unwritten rules of pro wrestling

· Victory can either be by pinfall, submission, countout or disqualification

· Submission can be signaled by the wrestler tapping out or by the referee lifting the wrestler’s arm and dropping it three times without the wrestler keeping it raised, thus signaling that the wrestler is unconscious. In the history of pro wrestling this has never happened. Every single time the wrestler will let his arm fall twice and on the third try start his comeback.

· If one wrestler offers to shake another wrestler’s hand the other wrestler will look at the crowd using their reaction as to whether to shake hands or not.

· If they do shake hands, within thirty seconds somebody is getting punched.

· If a birthday cake is brought into the ring someone is going to be shoved into the case. Likewise, all trophies carried into the ring will likewise be broken over someone’s head before the end of the match.

· The strongest substance in pro wrestling is the championship belt. Being hit with the belt will cause immediate unconsciousness even if the other wrestler had spent the past thirty minutes seemingly impervious to being dropped on his head or smacked in the face with a steel chair.

· The second strongest substance in pro wrestling is the skull of a Samoan wrestler. It is assumed to have something to do with the fact that they are unable to wear shoes.

· Under no circumstances are wrestlers allowed to acknowledge the camera crew in the backstage segments in which they reveal their nefarious plot to attack another wrestler.

· Likewise, none of the wrestlers backstage watch the show that they are currently appearing on in order to realize that “Hey, those guys just mentioned that they planned on jumping me in the parking lot. I think I should be cautious when I go out there.”

· Newton’s First Law of Wrestling: Force equals mass times acceleration times the number of flips in the air

· Einstein’s Corollary: The cooler it looks, the more it hurts

· If a good guy starts to grow facial hair it means that he is about to become a bad guy.

· Foreign wrestlers are by nature evil no matter where they are actually from. Thus we can hate Nikolai Volkoff even though he is from Detroit. Or better yet the case of Ludvig Borga, a wrestler from Finland who played the role of evil foreign monster even though no one in the crowd could figure out precisely why we were supposed to hate Finland.

· If a wrestler comes to the ring without entrance music he is going to lose

· Touching a referee will render him unconscious for a good five minutes. However, he will regain consciousness just in time for the match to have a proper finish.

· If a match is announced as having a time limit said match will be a time limit draw. (Sadly, we have done away with time limits in pro wrestling as well as the announcing of home town and weight. Thus we no longer have wrestlers hailing from parts unknown with weight unknown. Parts unknown I always understood but how can you have weight unknown? Is the guy deathly afraid of a scale?)

· Russian wrestlers always lose Russian Chain matches. However, wrestlers with a “dog” nickname will always win dog collar matches.

Wednesday Night Music Club: In honor of their new album here is a Swell Season song.

Music on a personal level

I read Nick Hornby’s latest novel “Juliet, Naked” this weekend and like most of Nick’s work it is an absolute masterpiece. To be honest if there is any writer that I would like to be like it would be Nick Hornby as his books center around music, relationships and literature and how they all interact. His latest is no exception as one of its central themes is that of being a music fan and the connection that one can create to music.

Of all the art forms, music may be the one that creates the most intensely personal reaction between the artist and the consumer. I think that it is because at its core music is mainly consumed on a very personal level. When you put on your headphones music becomes an entirely solo experience. Only you are hearing that song at precisely that moment and no one around you can even tell what you are listening to. The act of listening alone changes the facets of a song, which is why listening to a band live is so much different than listening to an album. It is not just the fact that the slick production is missing; listening with others changes the way a song sounds.

Compare this to other media. Movies are meant to be viewed with other people, which is why a comedy is never quite as funny at home as in the theater. Laughter is contagious or so say the people who put laugh tracks on television shows. Television is also more of a group experience and most other performance arts require a crowd. But music is pretty unique in that it can really be an intimate experience with mass produced content.

(Yes, I know I should put books in the same category as music here especially given there is no concert analogue for literature. No one is going, “Dude, did you listen to that Tom Wolfe book reading bootleg I sent you?” A lot of these arguments would fit for books as well. Just go with me for a moment. I mean, what is a good song other than a poem with a good beat.)

What the intimacy of music allows for is a connection between the fan and the artist that no other media can match. A song can speak to you, can be used to inspire you, can become the soundtrack for your life. It can be an enigma in which you spend hours trying to decipher every last meaning. Certain artists become parallels for your own life with their records seeming to tie to every moment you encounter. For me I can say things like “The only thing that kept me going in 1998 were Kelly Willis CDs” or “Every time I listen to Josh Rouse something good happens” and mean every word of it. There is a connection there that can’t be denied and that I have never felt from a movie or a TV show.

The strange thing though is that most, if not all, of that connection comes from the fans themselves. When Kelly Willis recorded “What I Deserve” she did not do so in order to provide me personally with music that made my life worthwhile. She created great songs, songs that she felt had meaning and heart, and hoped that someone out there would listen to them. But the meaning and importance that I put into them are all my own. Same as people do with Bon Jovi songs or Bruce Springsteen tracks or god forbid the latest Creed album. Music creates fans who feel an incredibly personal connection to the music even though it may be one the musician never intended.

Nick Hornby understands that nature of being a fan of music. Yes, sometimes it is very geeky to spend all of your life centered around little discs or computer files that you use to define who you are as a person. But to be honest, I’ll still listen to Kelly after a hard day at the office. At times, music is all you need.

And a battle kite

I need a Cylon toaster. Like, now.

Ok, I fixed my post from last night so that the video doesn’t cause complete havoc with the formatting. Had to play around with some HTML code to do it, which just shows you the level of difficulty involved in operating a blog. Basically, MTV Music doesn’t format as well in terms of embedding as YouTube does. I would have posted the video from YouTube except that Sony Music will not allow me to do that. The fact that I cannot post a twenty year old Social Distortion video because of Sony Music is a level of delicious irony that even I can’t believe. The man wins after all these years.

(For the record, Ball and Chain is still my ringtone. Which does draw some interesting stares during meetings when people call me.)

(Editor's Note: Crap. Ok, the edits didn't work so I just removed the video to keep the formatting normal. Thanks MTV and Sony Music! Enjoy your complete lack of relevance!)

Survived my first day back in the office after my vacation. It is always a challenge when you return to the office because you never quite know what may have happened in your absence. You always have a sinking suspicion that the entire world has collapsed while you were gone and if you are like me you find yourself kind of sad that it didn’t. I mean, how else am I supposed to maintain my massive ego?

Seriously though, I still follow the rule that a friend of mine taught me. For every day out of the office it is an hour for you to catch up. Emails, voice mails, no matter how much you tried to maintain things while you were away it takes a full hour to get yourself back to normal. Add in the time change that makes the last hour in the office seem extremely late and you really end up just being happy to make it through.

The piles of Halloween candy did make it worthwhile though. That is the strange side effect of frightened parents. Whereas I walked around my entire neighborhood knocking on random doors as a kid today parents now only take their little ones to select houses if they go out at all. But parents still buy bags and bags of candy for children who will never appear. Hence, adults eat all of the candy. I’m not sure of the logic behind all of this other than Halloween was a lot cooler when I was a kid.

That's right, you're not from Texas

Sorry for the lack of posts but Kim and I were having a nice vacation in San Antonio where we were remembering that place that was surprisingly difficult to find and even after you found it you were slightly underwhelmed. Incredibly, if Wikipedia and our river cruise driver is to be believed, San Antonio is the 7th largest city in the country. That makes you wonder how Kansas City can have baseball and football teams while San Antonio has only the Spurs.

We had just an amazing time in the city. We were in town for the Notre Dame – Washington State game, which I have yet to hear a good reason for why the game was in the Alamodome. On the plus side, it was very easy to tell who was rooting for which team as everyone was decked out in team colors except for Kim and myself. We were for game day of course but the rest of the time we dressed in clothes without logos and I swear we were the only ones who did so. The River Walk was a blast, the weather was perfect and it was a few days of pure enjoyment. Got to meet up with a few friends along the way as well, which makes life even better.

It was also Halloween while we were there (obviously) and I have to yet again bring up a comment on Halloween costumes. Mainly, are there any costumes for women that cannot be described as “slutty?” Seriously, I know that this adults wearing costumes is a bit of a recent phenomenon but I swear that every costume looked as though as it was purchased in the back room of a shop with age restrictions on the door. I understand that this would be an option for some costumes but pretty much every single one fell into this category. You’d think that at some point somebody would try something different.

And we didn’t even go in the Coyote Ugly on Halloween so I am not even using that as a reference point. But yes, we did drink there one afternoon. No, I didn’t dance on the bar. I did look for Piper Pearbo though.

That is about it for tonight. I’m rather tired from the trip, the flights, and the numerous time changes. Remember to turn your clocks back, even if you live in Indiana. Actually, apologies if you live in Indiana. Changing clocks should be the least of your worries. I am going to go to bed and have a nice long, non-margarita enduced nap.

Best of 120 Minutes: Social Distortion. I have only two words for you. Fuck and Yeah.

Video removed due to awesomeness

The five random CDs for the week:
1) U2 “Achtung Baby”
2) She and Him “Volume One”
3) The Freddy Jones Band “Lucid”
4) John Wesley Harding “The Confessions of St. Ace”
5) Emmylou Harris “Wrecking Ball”

Sports as art

I very seldom give ESPN any respect nowadays. Mainly because every story I read about the backstage atmosphere makes the Bristol campus seem like a modern day Caligula. I swear in about two weeks we are going to be reading about Chris Berman hosting key parties. Debauchery aside though, I must give them credit for their 30 on 30 series. Twice in the past week I have had to drop everything in order to watch one of the films.

The first was on the USFL. Now I am in the wonderful age group that just loved the USFL. I was eight or nine when it debuted so with no true allegiances formed yet I was free to become a huge fan of the Chicago Blitz with Tim Spencer in the backfield and Trumaine Johnson the kick ass wide receiver. I can still name most, if not all, of the franchises and it may be one of my favorite leagues of all time. Which made the story of the history of the league all the more interesting.

See, if you ask people today about the USFL most would shove it in the same category as the XFL in terms of it being an absolute flop. Except that was is no way true. The league had Heisman Trophy winners, strong ratings and pretty solid television coverage. A lot of Hall of Famers played in the league and the games were always fun and exciting. Add in the fact that it gave us instant replay, the two point conversion and Burt Reynolds as a team owner and you have a great league.

Plus, spring football was a wonderful idea especially in the early cable era. People forget that college basketball didn’t really take over as a huge sport until the late 80’s. March Madness didn’t even have 64 teams when the USFL started. February and March were horrible times for sports because football was over, baseball hadn’t started and basketball and hockey were still making their way towards the playoffs. There is a reason why Sports Illustrated always published the Swimsuit Issue in February. There are simply no sports to talk about during that month. Having football in the spring was awesome. I still wish someone would give it a chance with a developmental league.

But the USFL is a story of failure featuring Donald Trump. He really did help to demolish the league with the foolish notion of taking on the NFL, moving to a fall schedule and suing the league in a case they would win and lose at the same time. The NFL wouldn’t be where it is today in terms of popularity, player’s salaries and expansion if it wasn’t for the USFL. Great to see a film that memorializes that fact.

The second film touches on a little known aspect of my personality. Some people know (and the rest will once I finish this sentence) that if there is one sport that I have a natural understanding of it is boxing. That will make no sense if you know the way I am as I look like someone who has never been in a fight in his entire life. That is true but I grew up watching boxing, I come from a family with a history of champion boxers, and it is the one sport that I gravitate towards naturally. As a result watching a film on the Holmes – Ali fight is just mesmerizing.

The fight took place in 1980 and while I don’t remember it I do remember the aftermath and the even more ill-fated Ali – Trevor Berbick fight that followed. Watching training footage of Ali in 1980 can only be described as sad, to the point where you are stunned that they allowed him to fight. Physically he looked great and in no way had the body of a 38 year old. But listening to him talk you can hear the words begin to slur and his vocal rhythm being just a little bit off. In the ring it wasn’t that he had lost a step but seemed to be just a little more confused. Even working the speed bag it just didn’t look right.

Much of this is viewed through the lens of history. We know the story of Ali and what he has become so we are trained to look for those signs in his later fights. But even with that anyone who understands boxing could see it in his movements that he was not in any condition to fight the champ. And the fight itself where Holmes, who was Ali’s sparring partner years earlier, just pummeled him round after round while Howard Cosell discusses how horrible it is to see a great fighter’s legacy destroyed in such a fashion is truly heartbreaking. Which raises the question, why did the fight take place and why did people bet on Ali?

More than anything, more than being one of the best heavyweights of all time, Ali was a showman. There is something to be said that his growing up a fan of Gorgeous George and pro wrestling contributed to his success. He was the first athlete to take the theatrical aspects of pro wrestling and apply it to his sport. He made you believe that anything could happen, that miracles were in the script. Given his career and his fights against Foreman and Liston and Frasier he even had the resume to back up the most amazing claims. He fought because in a movie he would have won. But as history has shown, life is not like a movie.

Again, great series for those who are interested in the stories behind sports.

I may also go off on a cosine

Instead of starting my post with a set topic and then going off on a random tangent I have decided that my post tonight will consist entirely of random tangents. It makes writing that much easier.

Tangent # 1: How can How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory be in reruns already? Didn’t the Fall season start like last week or something? Plus, how can The Big Bang Theory skip out on a Halloween episode. If I know my geeks, and good lord do I have a fine understanding of the mental makeup of the people who hang out at comic book stores, if there is one thing I know for certain is that they will never pass up a socially acceptable situation to be in costume.

Tangent # 2: I finally saw the commercial for the fashion forward Snuggie. For those who haven’t seen it the commercial features a woman who mentions that everyone loves the Snuggie but wouldn’t it be better if it came in more stylish designs? Like zebra or leopard print? Well now your prayers have been answered as now you can wear your Snuggie on an African safari and blend in with the animals. This raises the question though that if you have already reached the point at which you will purchase a Snuggie doesn’t that mean that you have lost all respect for yourself that any sense of fashion is now irrelevant? I mean, would you even wear it out in public to begin with?

Tangent # 3: Saw online that Sublime is reuniting. Personally I think we should create a new word for bands that reform after the death of the lead singer especially when he is the only person from the band that you can ever remember. The same thing happened with Blind Melon and Alice in Chains. Maybe we should now just call it “The best tribute band ever.” Just as accurate.

Tangent # 4: On a sad note they are closing all the McDonald’s in Iceland. Guess Kim and I went to the country just in time. That said, I don’t recall ever seeing a McDonald’s, which is extremely odd given that the entire island is like five miles across so you would expect that they wouldn’t be hard to find. Found the Quiznos and the Domino’s Pizza (which was awesome) but never the McDonald’s. Speaking of Quiznos…

Tangent # 5: I am in a bit of a quandary at work. I tend to try to go out to grab lunch because after spending four hours staring at three computer monitors filled with spreadsheets my brain is screaming to look at something, anything, that might be interesting. So one of the places I hit is the Quiznos, which on the whole makes a good sandwich. Except that the one by my office seems to turnover the entire staff every two weeks and thus no one knows how to do anything. I’m stunned that in a country with like twenty percent unemployment I can’t even find someone to make me a sandwich correctly. So do I keep trying and hope that one day the service will improve or give my business to the better run, if slightly less tasty, Subway down the street?

It is like they are twins or something

Now I want to state up front that I really don’t care what anyone does with their body. If you have to go through immense surgery just to feel comfortable in your own skin than by all means go ahead as long as I don’t have to end up paying for it with my tax dollars. But I really wish someone would have told Chastity Bono that the Charlie Weis look is not the one to choose. No one: man, woman, Charlie Weis, or member of the Hutt clan should aspire to looking like Charlie Weis. Still, if this makes Chastity happy then by all means congratulations.

(Props to Kim to pointing me to E Online for the photo and the absolutely uncanny resemblance.)

Oh, and Charlie Weis didn’t cost us the Boston College game this year! For the first time since before I was actually a Notre Dame student. Well, he tried really hard to screw it up and I agree with DJ why the BC defenders didn’t jump on the eight yard out route at least once is beyond me but we did finally beat Boston College. It does look like my prediction that Notre Dame should go 9 – 3 will come true. Again, no reason why we shouldn’t go 11 – 1 as USC is the only team we play with more talent but Charlie will typically lead us to two losses that we shouldn’t have (Michigan and Pitt as my prediction.)

The other big news from the weekend is that Obama has declared a national emergency due to a rash of zombie outbreaks. Oh wait, that press release wasn’t meant for the public. I mean swine flu. Just ordinary, everyday swine flu. Ignore any rumors you hear about the living dead feasting on human flesh. No, I don’t know why Congress has decided to all go to the Canadian wilderness. I assume it is for the health care debate. Just carry on, all is well…(checks supplies, rereads the Zombie Survival Manual.)

Actually swine flu is a national emergency right now and you would think that I would be more nervous about it. I mean, I am someone who did at least make some preparations for Y2K (made sure my car was filled with gas, hit the cash station, checked the computer code on my robot butler) and I travel all the time. Yet on this one I am not overly concerned. I did get my regular flu shot and am taking every precaution that I can, which is mainly washing my hands a lot, but otherwise I am not too up in arms about it. That is not to say that it isn’t a serious manner and those most at risk should be vaccinated. However, it is not as though we are living through a retelling of The Stand. Though if you start having dreams about an old woman in a farmhouse in Nebraska you might take it as a bit of a sign.

Best of 120 Minutes: I am going to try to bring back my regular music video postings. 120 Minutes of Sunday, the Wednesday Night Music Club on Wednesdays and your 80’s weekend rewind on the weekends. Mainly because I enjoy searching for music videos online but hopefully others will enjoy them as well. We’ll start off by going Dutch with Bettie Serveert’s Ray Ray Rain.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Liz Phair “Somebody’s Miracle”
2) Damien Rice “O”
3) Howie Day “The Madrigals EP”
4) Neko Case “Live from Austin Texas”
5) Cowboy Junkies “Open Road”