It is that time of year again. Time to preview every single
college bowl game that you might happen to stumble across over the next month
or so. For my own sanity we will be doing this in multiple parts starting with
the games from this Saturday of which there are, you’ve got to be kidding me,
seven? Since when has December 16th been this historic day for
college football? Do we even need seven bowl games in one day. I need a drink
just to write about these.
Myrtle Beach Bowl: Georgia Southern vs. Ohio (Brooks
Stadium (Conway, SC), ESPN: 11 AM): Starting the bowl season out right with
the Myrtle Beach Bowl that isn’t even held in Myrtle Beach. In fact, other than
the stadiums for Clemson and South Carolina I didn’t even know there were other
football stadiums in the state. Let’s check Wikipedia: Brooks Stadium is a
21,000 seat stadium for Coastal Carolina (the Fighitn’ Chanticleers for those
of you scoring at home). So, they are playing in what is essentially a
mid-sized Texas high school stadium. That is depressing. I mean, the team
already has to accept that they do not play for either Georgia or Ohio State
and now they will be playing a bowl game in front of a smaller crowd than most
of them played in front of as teenagers.
Also, and maybe this is just a me thing, but when did Myrtle
Beach become this huge vacation destination? I mean, I know that there is golf
but I see more and more people, or at least paid advertisements, pushing the
wonders of Myrtle Beach. I assume that one goes there either to spend time on
the beach or meet up with an old woman named Myrtle. Honestly the latter sounds
more interesting.
Cricket Celebration Bowl: Howard vs. Florida A&M (Mercedes-Benz
Stadium (Atlanta, GA), ABC: 12 PM): The annual “Come for the bands playing
at halftime, stay for the football game” contest. That probably sounds like a
knock but if you have ever seen these bands you’ll know why they will be the
best thing that you will see from any of the, sigh, seven bowl games on this
day. That and there is a significant chance that Ryan Reynolds will be in the
crowd. I don’t think he acts any more, he just shows up at a company and offers
to film commercials in return for an ownership share. He’s a one man Shark
Tank.
(Or maybe I’m thinking of Ryan Gosling. It’s the whole Bill
Paxton vs. Bill Pullman phenomena all over again.)
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Jacksonville State vs. Louisiana
(Caesars Superdome (New Orleans, LA), ESPN: 2:15 PM): It’s the Ragin’
Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette! Wait, it’s now just Louisiana? Do they still
rage? I’m only watchin’ if they’re ragin’, ain’t that right Thibodeaux? Yeah,
my attempts at Cajun humor are as rusty as my blogging. I was going to bust out
one of my favorite pieces of trivia that Jacksonville State made the Final Four
behind the great play of the A-Train Artis Gilmore except that A) that was
Jacksonville, B) Jacksonville State is in Alabama as opposed to Florida, C)
Jacksonville State is nicknamed the Gamecocks which would make Alabama at best
the third most likely state that you would think the school would be located in
and D) apparently everything I thought I knew about this world is a lie. Well,
at least the New Orleans Bowl is held in New Orleans. Which is great for
Louisiana, not so good for Jacksonville State though I bet if I check Wikipedia
again I’ll find out that Anne Rice opened an auxiliary campus in the Garden
District.
Avocados From Mexico Cure Bowl: Miami (OH) vs.
Appalachian State (FBC Mortgage Stadium (Orlando, FL), ABC: 3:30 PM): I can
guarantee you that there will be protesters outside the stadium ranting about
how these “Avocados from Mexico” are sneaking across the border and taking jobs
from our good, honest, hard working American avocados. You’d think I’m joking but
remember I lived in Florida for nearly a decade. During that time, the easiest
way to give directions from Fort Myers to Orlando was “Drive north to Tampa.
When you see the giant Confederate flag, take the exit.” I am not kidding
(though the person who flew the flag had all of the proper zoning permits, was
entirely clear on what he was going to do, and no one bothered to read what he
had submitted.) Florida is a world of tradeoffs: you get to avoid seasonal
depression due to the lack of sunlight while gaining year round depression due
to living in Florida.
Anyway, we get our second of four “State teams that aren’t
actually a state” of the day though Appalachian State’s victory over Michigan
years ago will always grant them a pass on my end. Also, I expect that most of
the protesters will be surprised when they find out that the Hurricanes aren’t
playing. Seriously, can any of the schools playing today be located in the logical
state? How many years do we have to specify Miami of Ohio before was all just go,
screw it, from now on you are Steve University.
Isleta New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico State vs. Fresno State
(University Stadium (NM) (Albuquerque, NM), ESPN: 5:45 PM): It is fitting
that the game is being played in, uh, “University Stadium” as I assume that the
majority of the residents of New Mexico are in the witness protection program.
If they make an announcement in the second quarter for John Smith to come to
Guest Services to retrieve a lost item they’ll probably lose three quarters of
the crowd. Admittedly that is why New Mexico State was invited to the game as
for legal reasons none of the players are allowed to leave the state. And screw
you, Fresno State. There are a thousand California Something schools out there
and you decided that you just had to be different. For some poor soul this is
the third straight game they will have watched on ESPN to which I can only say:
by this point you have probably spent enough money at the bar for them to
change the channel for you. BBQ Pitmasters is on Destination America because it
is Saturday. Yes, every episode is exactly the same. You’ve got a 50 / 50 shot
that Lacey Chabert is on the Hallmark Channel. Yes, every movie is exactly the
same. Your call: Brisket or “Oh my god, he is secretly a prince! Should I leave
my high paying marketing job to join him? But what about my family’s struggling
toy store?”
Starco Brands LA Bowl: UCLA vs. Boise State (SoFi Stadium
(Inglewood, CA), ABC: 7:30 PM): Starco Brands does not have a Wikipedia page.
In fact, this game’s official title is “Starco Brands LA Bowl Hosted by Gronk.”
If this game isn’t an elaborate money laundering scheme then you will have to
convince me that all of those mattress stores that you see on every other
corner have a business model that solely relies on mattress related
transactions. UCLA gets to stay home and Boise State gets to travel away from
Idaho. Thay is a win-win on all fronts. Also, can’t wait for those epic Illinois
– UCLA Big Ten matchups in the coming years. Sigh. On one hand, I’m guaranteed
to see my Illini play in the Rose Bowl. On the other hand, there is no way
Illinois is ever going to play in the Rose Bowl again.
Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: California vs.
Texas Tech (Independence Stadium (Shreveport, LA), ESPN: 9:15 PM): Back in
my day (and I am now of the age where I can say something like back in my day
and mean it), students used to make a big deal of road tripping to see their
team in a bowl game. If you didn’t do it you were at least envious of those
that did. I really want to know how many students are deciding “I could stay in
Berkley but screw it, let’s head on down to Shreveport.” And that is given the
fact that most of the Cal students will end up working for a company like “Radiance
Technologies” where you are not quite sure what they do and their corporate
website talks highly about their “Team focused, family driven, company atmosphere”
while completely neglecting to mention the robot army that is being developed
down the hall. The fact that the bowl game’s motto is “It’s Radiance Technologies
Independence. We didn’t say anything about your independence” is telling to say
the least.
At least these last two games involve teams you may have
seen during the year. Bowl season has officially begun.
Finally, a preview of the subject of my next post.
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