A night at the old ball park

[Editor’s / Author’s Note: I swear that the following is true. I have fifty pages of notes to prove it. I have been to a place where most men fear to tread…]

Pre-Game

And we are coming to you live from Kaufman Stadium. I’m joined by…crap…you know your life is bad when you can’t even convince people to go to a baseball game with you.

For those of you who are wondering I am here at the K to watch my White Sox take on your Kansas City Royals.

Actually, given that only a portion of my readership is from KC I should rephrase this. I am here to watch my White Sox take on that team that George Brett used to play for.

For those who haven’t spent a whole lot of time in the world of Battling the Current this is another attempt at liveblogging. I’m going to be giving my thoughts as they happen. This will be a challenge as usually I am watching events unfold on television whereas here I’m actually at the event.

I know what you are all thinking but no, I didn’t bring a laptop. The K lacks Wi-Fi. However, I do have a small notebook with me. If anyone asks, I’m writing for a website, which I guess is true. Otherwise, I’m just the idiot with a notebook.

If you are watching the game at home, and somehow are able to read this before I post it, I am sitting 6 rows behind home plate.

Why? Because I have nothing better to do and way too much money to sit with the common folks. Also, I picked up this ticket yesterday afternoon. Tells you a little something about how well the Royals are drawing this year.

Ceremonial first pitch is thrown by a ten year old. I yell “balk” just because he is wearing a powder blue Royals jersey.

It’s been raining all day but the field looks good and we should be able to get the game in.

This is rather hysterical. Nearly everyone around me is in White Sox garb. I fell bad, I’m just wearing a black t-shirt and a Notre Dame cap.

No, I didn’t boo the national anthem. Even my cynicism has limits. Plus, they did a good job with it. Not like the Carl Lewis version.

Contreras on the mound for the White Sox. Konerko, Thome, Crede and the Phenomenal A. J. Piersinzski all in the lineup tonight.

Kyle Davies on the mound for the Royals backed by, well, some guys. I’m sure they mean well.

Give the Royals credit, the new scoreboard really does make things better. For one thing, you can actually see real video.

Ok, let’s play ball.

Top First

Harold “I saw him hit three home runs in one game” Baines is coaching first base.

Game opening walk to Cabrera…and A.J. promptly hits into a double play.

Quentin singles as I begin to feel raindrops.

Dye strikes out to end the inning.

Bottom First

I think I’ll already stop doing play-by-play. That will be really boring.

Rusty Kuntz coaching first for the Royals. Enter your witty punchline here.

Mike Aviles lists his hometown as “Manhattan, NY”. Wouldn’t that just be New York City?

Teahan strikes out stranding two.

Sox 0, Royals 0

End First

Hey, pregame concert by the John Joiner Band on 7/11. Sweet! It would be even better if I knew who the hell they are.

Pretty early for the kiss cam. Since I am in a row by myself at the moment I doubt that I will be drawing the camera’s glare.

I’d make more comments about this but I’m rather bitter at the moment.

Top Second

Thome with a rocket leadoff double. Konerko, still doing that “lean back before every pitch” routine at the plate.

Nick Swisher now up. Some people’s path in lives are chosen by their last names. A Kennedy is going into politics, a Rockefeller is going into business, and if your last name is Swisher, you are going to be a jock if you want to have any hope of surviving the seventh grade.

Sweet! Dippin Dots! It’s like the ice cream of the future!

Swisher ground outs but drives in Thome in the process.

Mid Second

Hey, it’s time for the Sprint DJ Download. Your choices are…
A) Credence Clearwater Revival “Favorite Son”
B) Big and Rich “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy”
C) The Soggy Bottom Boys “Man of Constant Sorrow”

Our contestant picks B. Fans get to text in their choice to see who will win. For a certain group of people reading this, I’d like to let you know that they did pimp the Instinct a nice bit. Or at least showed it, would have been nice if they mentioned it by name.

Bottom Second

Ross Gload should come to the plate to “I’ll Be There For You”. I’m just saying.

And he’s from Brooklyn, NY. Have boroughs now seceded from New York City? I’m a south sider but I still say I’m from Chicago. (Ok, I’m not but still…)

Umbrellas are now making their presence known in the crowd. Mine is of course in my car.

Single through the middle scores Gload.

Have to say that is a nice tramp stamp on the blonde three rows down from me.

A fielder’s choice drives in another run for the Royals.

And a single drives in another run. Big inning for the Royals.

A girl in front of me has what can only be described as a bucket of popcorn. As in a literal powder blue bucket. You could use it after the game to go to the beach and make sandcastles if there were beaches within a thousand miles of Kansas City.

If you ask me, hitting Alex Gordon with a pitch should not only be legal but encouraged.

Foul out ends the inning.

Kansas City 3, Chicago 1

End Second

Crowd chooses The Soggy Bottom Boys. That is a surprising degree of taste from the crowd tonight.

Top Third

Ok, I need to discuss these girls a few rows in front of me. First off, the blonde looks like she is about the 12th prettiest girl in her sorority while the brunette is maybe the 14th. They know that they are pretty and act as though they deserve the privliges that come with that honor but aren’t pretty enough to get attention from any guy. Instead, they are standing at the rail, bullying drinks from the people in the super box seats in front of me, and standing with their backs to the game and pissing off the crowd. This is the only time that I wish the net wasn’t there because if you are going to stand then cheer. If not, you deserve to get hit by a foul ball.

Leadoff single for Ramirez.

Followed by one for Cabrerra

And then a double play ends the scoring chance and the inning.

Middle Third

It’s Hot Dog Race time! Pretty much the reason I came to the game. Your choices are
Ketchup: Doesn’t deserve to be in the race, much less on a hot dog
Mustard: The only true condiment
Relish: Only losers pick relish

And here we go…jeez, this is more fixed than pro wrestling. Relish, Ketchup, Mustard. This town can’t even get hot dogs right.

Bottom Third

Inning starts with a vague, broken bat but not, double for Teahan.

Billy Butler still sounds like he is a character on some PBS kids show. It’s as if you continually expect Thomas the Tank Engine to go and visit Billy Butler.

Nice play by Konerko to save an out.

But Olivio drops one in scoring another run.

I’m not cheering for rain yet but I might start soon.

The sorority girls are now being led off by security. Score one for instant karma.

German flies out and we’re done with three.

Kansas City 4, Chicago 1

End Third

Apparently you can get free tickets to Royals game by dressing your pets in Royals gear. I believe that PETA should be informed of this treatment. Much worse than what is happening to minks.

Seriously, I would have been very happy to live my life without seeing a pomegranate dressed up as Sluggerr. (I mean the dog, not the fruit. I have no idea which one I just spelled.)

Top Fourth

Strange thing about the K. There are almost no outfield seats so it is essentially impossible to catch a home run. Fountains are nice but isn’t catching a home run part of baseball?

For the record, I have never been within fifteen rows of a baseball in all my years of going to games.

Just realized that one of my old VPs is sitting in the front row right in front of me. Maybe I should ask him for career advice.

Tough infield single by Konerko as the drizzle finally seems to be ending.

Crede strikes out looking to end the inning.

Bottom Fourth

I missed the t-shirt toss in order to get a hot pretzel. For some reason, a hot pretzel is one of those things you only eat while at a baseball game. And every game you go, “You know what? I could really use a hot pretzel right about now.”

Three up, three down.

Dorothy 4, Capone 1

End Fourth

In a change of pace, we now have a John Deere lawnmower race.

Sadly, there does not appear to be any career ending injuries as part of this race. It would definitely make it more entertaining.

I’m now actually listening to people on the Jumbotron discussing lawnmowing techniques. Welcome to the Midwest everyone!

Top Five

Alexei Ramirez has the single worst Jumbotron picture I have ever seen. His expression is the perfect “duh”. It’s like he had never seen a camera before and since he is from Cuba that is entirely possible.

A sneaky ground single by A.J. (who probably called it while at the plate). Runners on the corners with one out.

And what better way to wash down a hot pretzel than with a $7 Miller Lite. Only at the ballpark does this seem like a sensible idea.

Sox threaten but do nothing once again.

Middle Five

It’s now an official game. Guess I can’t cheer for the rain anymore.

Sigh. I miss the Watson’s pool in the outfield. It just seemed so, I don’t know, Missouri. Like, “You know what this ballpark needs? An above ground pool in the outfield!”

Bottom Five

Stand up triple for Guillen to start. That should probably have been an inside the park home run. He put the ball at the bottom of the right field fair pole on the fly. I think he could have made it.

Some good D by Crede saves a run.

And in true Royals fashion a leadoff triple leads to nothing.

Barbecue 4, Hot Dogs 1

End Five

Trivia time: When was the Royals first triple play?

The fan said 1985, which was sad given that it was 1972. I’d hope that it wouldn’t take 20 years for the club to turn a triple play. It’s rare but not that rare.

Top Six

And we start with a leadoff double by Jim Thome, the man who was born and therefore played in Peoria.

A passed ball puts Jim Thome, a man who has the same speed as an ice age, on third.

Paulie Konerko hits into a fielder’s choice, scoring Thome.

Each ballpark has its own little nuances. From Wrigley you look out and see fans on the rooftops across the street. At the K you see the Fellowship of Christian Athletes building and a Denny’s.

Crede, one of my favorite players, just powers a home run into left as the White Sox fans rejoice.

This sends the Royals to the mound. What should you get as a wedding gift anyway? And what the hell is a chafing dish?

Ramon Ramirez in to pitch. Apparently we have gotten rid of the Sprint pitching change, which to be honest were the best ad dollars that Sprint ever spent.

Foul out ends the inning.

Middle Six

Time for the hot dog launch, otherwise known as the vegan’s worst nightmare. Here, let’s shoot meat products at people who don’t want to even look at the stuff! It will be a hoot!

Ok, time for my annual rant on the Royals mascot Sluggerr. First of all, he has a crown for a head. It’s not that he has a crown on his head I mean his actual head is a crown. His eyes are in the damn thing. That’s just wrong. Also, given that the Royals have never made the playoffs since he was introduced I really think he deserves more of the blame.

Bottom Six

In the strangest musical choice of the night Esteban German comes to the plate to a Polyphonic Spree song.

And then promptly doubles, which I am just going to assume is the universe giving him props for his musical tastes.

Double down the line drives in a run.

Random park complaint. They’ve added a digital scoreboard as part of the left outfield wall. It’s actually pretty awesome but since they don’t have one in right it just ruins the symmetry of the park. That is much more important than most people realize.

A diving catch by Swisher doesn’t even merit a replay on the big screen.

And now it is Ozzie to the mound to bring on the Watson’s pitching change.

Boone Logan now in to pitch. I believe that his alter ego is Wolverine.

Gordon flies out to end the inning.

Chiefs 5, Bears 3

End Six

Diamond Talk time: What does “moonshot” mean?

Even a kid should know that so no surprise that he gets it right.

I miss having the kids having a home run derby in the mini-field outside the stadium. That was the only time you were able to both bet on and heckle an eight year old and feel good about yourself in the process.

Top Seven

Carlos Quentin has an incredibly open batting stance. It is like he is almost facing the pitcher sideways.

Even with the top of the order up it is three up, three down. Grrr.

Middle Seven

7th inning stretch time. At least the K has a real organ. Well, maybe not an organ but they have keyboards. Sigh. I miss old Commiskey and Nancy Faust at the organ.

For the KC residents out there: outside of the fountains are there any traditions here? I’m from Chicago where everything is steeped in tradition but honestly, is there one long held Royals game tradition? And the hot dog race doesn’t count.

Bottom Seven

Crede has been having a really nice game all around. That is about the best thing I can say so far for the Sox.

Here is the best example of Royals baseball for you. DH Billy Butler has two home runs and 19 RBIs in 216 at bats. Royals baseball….we’re technically in the majors.

Quick inning, nothing happens.

We used to have a jazz scene 5, We still have a blues scene 3

End Seven

Ok, maybe the three card monte game with a baseball counts as a tradition. I have to say, it does teach kids a very useful skill for when they grow older and head to the big city.

Top Eight

Sox need to get something happening soon.

Thome on base with a single.

Konerko walks, Anderson in to pinch run, Mahay in to pitch and my hopes now rest on the shoulders of some guy named Swisher.

Hey, the Sprint pitching change is back! When you think of abject failure forcing you to make a replacement think of Sprint!

Nice to hear a “Let’s Go White Sox” chant from the crowd. Way to show your team spirit.

Swisher singles driving in Thome while Anderson holds at third. Crede up with one out.

Crede’s home run went 416 feet last time. Thank you magical scoreboard!

Crede nails a long sacrifice fly to center tying the game up.

Middle Eight

Ah!!! It’s a giant Garth Brooks! Run for your lives! He’s going to kill us all!

Seriously, we’re singing Friends in Low Places between innings. I’d rather be at a Cubs game right now.

Bottom Eight

Three up, three down.

Good Guys in Black 5, Dudes who occasionally wear Powder Blue 5

Top Nine

Soria has his own entrance music. I’ll have to say that Guns N Roses is a nice choice.

Top of the order for the Sox here.

That was a nice ice cream cone catch by DeJesus to save a sure double.

And it is another three up, three down.

Bottom Nine

The scoreboard is telling us to stand. I thought that the new thing in Kansas City is that we are now banned from ever standing during a sporting event. I am so confused. Who can I text to receive clarification?

Three up, three down with two of those striking out looking.

You know what is better than Royals baseball? Extra innings of Royals baseball!

South Siders 5, Bi Staters 5

Top Ten

Given that I don’t have a job to go to tomorrow I’m going to stay.

Wow, another three up, three down inning.

Bottom Ten

We’re now down to showing baseball bloopers between innings. Sadly, no one was mauled by a lion.

Guess what? Another three up, three down.

Fire 5, Wizards 5

Top Eleven

I have a horrible feeling that my journal is going to turn into the ending to the Blair Witch Project. If I start writing notes to my family I’m going to be greatly concerned. This game may never end.

Crowd dances along to YMCA as I get the feeling that Kansas City doesn’t quite understand the nuances in that song.

Given that it is a small crowd you would think they could have announced the attendance by now. Hell, you could count it by hand at this point.

Single by Crede. Thank God, we now have a baserunner.

Single by Ramirez. First and Second, one out, Cabrerra up.

Cabrerra hits a grounder to second that German bobbles. He should have had one out there for sure. Now bases loaded, one out, with The Phenomenal A. J. Piersinzki up.

In one of the oddest plays I’ve ever seen, A. J. hits a massive fly ball to center. Joey Gathright makes a great catch but runs into his right fielder and goes crashing to the ground. Two runs then score on a sacrifice fly, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen happen before. Gathright was on the ground but still, second to home on a sacrifice fly?

Another nice catch by Gathright ends the inning.

Bottom Eleven

It’s down to this for the Royals with Linebrink in to close. That is not quite the imposing name you want in a reliever.

Fly out to center, one down.

Single by German to make things interesting. He steals second without a throw.

A long fly out to center moves the runner to third.

Aviles is the Royals last hope…and with two strikes he singles in the run. Here comes Alex Gordon…

Who on a full count doubles to tie up the game.

John Buck into pinch hit and he flies out. The game continues.

Art Institute 7 Nelson-Atkins 7

Top Twelve

I might end up the last person at the park at this pace. Who knows?

For once I am happy that I am not keeping score. They are on something like the 12th pitcher now.

Thome singles and runs roughly as fast as a large rock.

In a wise move, Wise is sent in to pinch run for Thome.

Showing the immediate wisdom of the move, Wise steals second.

Hey, if you’ve been at a game for as long as I have you’d be making puns as well.

Anderson grounds out. Hope now lies with the Swish man.

Cool points for the K: scoreboard gives a player’s OPS.

Swisher hits it straight to the second baseman. Nice job, dick.

Bottom Twelve

We are now showing people at Kelly’s between innings. I’m not even sure if that is a pre-taped bit. It is quite possible the camera crew left early and is now filming from the bar.

Masset (who?) is in to pitch for the Sox.

Leadoff walk to Teahan…

And Butler bunts into a double play. Yeesh, that was one of the worst things I have ever seen at a baseball game.

Gload singles, showing that he is the best baseball player named Ross around.

Olivio grounds out.

Rush 7 Brigade 7

Top Thirteen

I am beginning to feel as if I am in Apocalypse Now. At any moment I am just going to start writing “the horror, the horror” in this notebook. On the plus side, I’ve at least sobered up for the drive home.

We’ve just passed the four hour mark of game time for those wondering.

Ramirez hustles out an infield single. I am now at the point of cheering anything that happens as long as it is quick.

A hit and run double by Cabrera scores Ramirez! Yes, something happened!

A.J. grounds out. He somehow even manages to ground out arrogantly.

Quentin flies out. Can the White Sox hold on?

Bottom Thirteen

Infield single by German, who seems to be hitting everything in sight tonight, starts things off.

DeJesus strikes out.

Aviles singles, runners on the corners, one out.

Have to admit, this is one hell of a game. Longest game I’ve ever been to as well.

Gordon up with the game on the line and promptly walks to load the bases.

Mark Grudz..Mark Grudziel…Mark G. up to pinch hit. Crowd is on their feet.

And he hits in to a 6-3 double play to end the game as we all mercifully go home. Sox fans joyous, Royals fans despondent and everyone much too tired.

Final Score White Sox 8, Royals 7

Game Time: 4 hours, 21 minutes

Ok, I’m going to sleep now.