My subconscious taught me a rather interesting lesson last night. As I have mentioned before I have been having these incredibly vivid dreams for the past two weeks at least. Just strange, out of this world dreams where I am transported to places I have already been but only in my dreams. Last night was another case where as part of some strange religious retreat I was in this run down monastery type building. Except most retreats I’ve been involved with do not involve secret passages and one person being attacked by a wolf. Though to be honest that would at least make those things a little more interesting.
What made me wake up and go “Whoa” was a conversation that took place in the dream. I had gone off by myself, separate from the main group who were all having fun (wolf maulings aside). When we all got back together I went into my usual self-loathing rant about how I’m always alone and how people don’t warm up to me and how I always have to make my own way through the world. As this rant was going on someone, and I’m not sure who in my life this represents, yelled at me “Chris you are only happy when you are competing and someone is keeping score. Life isn’t like that.”
That is a pretty specific statement that some portion of my brain unleashed on me early this morning. First off, setting aside the dream was pretty indicative of the way I live. Even in big groups I tend to go off by myself. I just don’t gain friends very easily and if you put me with a group of strangers I tend to float off to the edges. And while I don’t know where that sentence came from I think it is true that competition is what drives me.
In certain instances that has been a very beneficial thing. Obviously it made school much easier than it might otherwise have been. While I still say it wasn’t my goal to be the best student in a class it was certainly my goal to do my best and I celebrated when that resulted in my besting all the other efforts. You can go places in a work environment when challenging yourself to do better than the person in the next cube is one of the things that you do to keep your sanity. But from a social standpoint that is not entirely a good thing.
Maybe it means something that most of the friends that I have made the past few years have come from playing trivia, a place where keeping score is part of the whole experience. I think that is one of the biggest problems in my life. I always try to put metrics or terms like best on situations where they really don’t apply. It’s like whenever someone breaks up with me. My reaction is less to cry and wonder what might have been but more of a post game film breakdown. I run through the scenarios and go “Hmmm, I bet if I bought dinner I would have won.” And I use that term of winning. I’ve joked that all relationships can be explained using football metaphors but sometimes I think I take it too far. Sometimes things just happen.
I don’t know if it is my competitive nature that keeps me aloof and always separate from the crowd. Maybe I just like giving myself the challenge of taking on the world alone. Maybe I’m just scared of showing the world who I really am on the chance that who I am really isn’t much of anything. I hope there is a happy medium out there for me to reach. Your dreams tell you what you are really wondering and last night made me wonder about who I truly am. Maybe I’m not as perfect as I think.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Sometimes I wonder if I was born decades too late. Mainly when I listen to acts like The Be Good Tanyas. I love this music. Sure it is old timey but it is beautiful all the same.
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