The Weekly Meeting

“I’d like to call tonight’s meeting of the Pessimist’s Club to order.”

“This meeting is going to be horrible.”
“These chairs aren’t as comfortable as last time.”
“Why couldn’t we get a bigger room?”

“First off I’d like to thank Janel for bringing the coffee and snacks tonight.”

“Coffee causes high blood pressure.”
“She’s trying to kill us all.”
“For crying out loud Janel, would it kill you to bring some freaking bagels to these meetings? Just once I’d like to have a fucking bagel. And I mean a real one. One that is boiled like they do in New York.”

“And of course we should take a moment to remember Gerald who is no longer with us.”

“All of my friends are leaving.”
“There goes my carpool”
“Say goodbye to the fantasy football team.”

“Gerald did write to say that he has settled into his new home in Miami and is adjusting.”

“It’s much too hot down there.”
“Ten bucks says his new house is leveled by a hurricane.”
“I bet he at least can get a bagel with some god damn cream cheese.”

“Now our first order of business is the preparation for the upcoming presidential election.”

“Politicians are all a bunch of crooks.”
“Mathematically speaking, your individual vote is meaningless.”
“I’m telling you, this country has gone to hell ever since we let women vote.”

“And then there is our annual fun run.”

“My shins hurt.”
“Does it have to be outside again? We’re all going to get sunburn and that will turn into melanoma, I just know it.”
“How the hell is running meant to be fun, anyway? All we do is run around the neighborhood, sweat like mad, and end up exactly where we freaking started. It’s absolutely pointless!”

“In a very special treat, the post race picnic will feature a concert by Styx.”

“They’re too loud.”
“Without Dennis DeYoung the band sucks.”
“Let me guess. No bagels at the picnic either. Figures. I’m surrounded by a bunch of no culture, Midwestern inbreds.”

“Now let’s look at what we’ve accomplished, shall we?”

“Every second the entropy of the universe is increasing moving us closer to inevitable disaster.”
“Oxygen causes cancer so even breathing is bad for you.”
“Janel this coffee is horrible.”

“Next week’s meeting will be at Steve’s house.”

“It’s too far away.”
“In that neighborhood it is a guarantee that my car is going to get stolen.”
“Not like I have anyplace better to go.”

“Until then, I would like us all to repeat our credo.”

“Life sucks.”
“Existence is meaningless, a fraud perpetuated by our own sub-conscious.”
“No matter what happens, things could be worse. And they probably will be in due time.”