Sunday, July 27, 2008

Facing the unknown

I’ve been in a very strange mood these past few days. I guess it is understandable. I have a very big decision weighing on my mind and my emotions are going to suffer as a result. I have gone from happy and joyous when I first received the job offer to now being a bit apprehensive and, to be honest, scared.

It has nothing to do with the job itself. The position is actually the one that I went to business school for. When I started school and they had me write out what I wanted to do once I graduated it matched precisely what I have been offered a chance to do. I never really intended to work in the mobile industry or live in Kansas City. Events beyond my control conspired to move me out of energy and I just kind of ended up here. Pretty much every aspect of the job offer meets or exceeds my goals.

So what is really bothering me? I’d have to move to a city where I know no one and that is more than a little scary. Now I know that I have spent a lot of time, including the entire history of the blog, making fun of Kansas City but I have finally gathered a network of great friends in this town. Leaving them behind would be extremely difficult. It really has been only in the past few months that I’ve noticed how amazing the people I have around me really are. I know that leaving might be the right decision and that most likely my dreams are not waiting for me in this town but it still will be a bit of a challenge. But ever since I said I was leaving my job I knew that moving was on the table.

I just think that this weekend it dawned on me the magnitude of moving to a new place. I would literally know no one and not even have an understanding of the street layout. It would be a complete clean slate for me. On one hand this would be an amazing opportunity. I could relaunch myself as an entirely new person and remove the qualities that I dislike about myself. Sometimes a fresh start is what you need. But knowing there will be lonely nights ahead, times when I do not have a friend to turn to, is scary. I have friends around the world to turn to and they are unbelievable. It is just sometimes you wish you had someone who you could call up and have coffee with on a moments notice.

I know that these fears are common. It is stepping into the unknown and losing my usual routine, which really bothers my obsessive personality. But maybe by facing these fears I’ll become the person that I want to be. Maybe by starting the second half of my thirties with a blank page in front of me is exactly what I need to do. It will be a challenge and an adventure but I still feel that I have at least one grand adventure left in me. This might be the one to take.

I still haven’t made a decision yet. I actually don’t even have a written offer yet (details are still pending). But I am pondering. Things will be moving quick soon.

Best of 120 Minutes: “Someone tell me why I act like a fool when things don’t go my way.” This is easily my favorite Guided by Voices song. It is incredibly simple and relatively short. That is what I love about music; you don’t need to do something epic in order to succeed. Sometimes a simple three minute song is all you need.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Reconstruction”
2) Ryan Adams “Gold”
3) Freakwater “Old Paint”
4) Old 97s “Alive and Wired”
5) The Subdudes “Street Symphony”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Given that all the $$$ and the role comes through on paper as described....take the shot at the opportunity. your're friends may remain in KC but will follow and support. lonely is a physical vs. cerebral state while being able to take a chance outside of the saftey of the 'known' requires crossing boundries that sometimes include multiple state lines.!!