Let's get ready for a Super Blog

5:42 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from the Battling the Current Sports Headquarters for Super Blog 45! I am joined by…uh…Voltaire the Gargoyle that sits on my bookcase and Stanley the Black Bear carved out of a log that Kim and I got in Tennessee that sits on my dining room table. Yeah, my Super Bowl parties leave something to be desired.

5:43 P.M.: For those who haven’t been a part of my previous live blogs the rules are pretty simple. I watch and make cynical comments about what I see. Such as seeing Frank Caliendo impersonating Charles Barkley is both unfunny and vaguely disturbing.

5:46 P.M.: This is a strange game for me as I don’t really have a rooting interest. I’ve got a natural hatred for the Packers and cheering for Ben Rothelisberger makes me feel like I need to take a shower. I’m still pulling for the Steelers because I can’t stand to see people from Wisconsin happy,

5:49 P.M.: Also, I just want to state that for last year’s Super Bowl Kim and I happened to find ourselves in New Orleans watching the Saints win the Super Bowl in what was the biggest party that I have ever been a part of. Somehow I have a feeling that the experience in Delaware is not going to be quite the same.

6:18 P.M.: I apparently missed the reading of the Declaration of Independence and the team introductions due to watching the Puppy Bowl. But Jack the Black Lab is so cute! I turned back in time to see the Walter Payton award. I’m still pissed at Ditka for letting the Fridge score a touchdown in the Super Bowl over Payton.

6:20 P.M.: We now have someone from Glee singing America the Beautiful. No explanation is given other than “Hey, what can we do to get one of those kids from Glee on the show.”

6:22 P.M.: Christina Aguilera gets the nod for the national anthem. She has five Grammys? Who knew. I wish she would just sing the song straight. It’s not meant to be sung like you are auditioning for American Idol.

6:27 P.M.: Coin toss time! I’ve got 50 bucks on a Heads / Steelers parlay. Not that I have a gambling problem or anything…

6:30 P.M.: Richard Dent made the Hall of Fame. That is cool. And how the hell Ed Sabol from NFL Films took this long to get in is a travesty. Probably due to the fact that he made a mint by signing the deal before the league knew how much it was worth.

6:31 P.M.: Deion Sanders tosses it and it is heads! Got half of my parlay right though as the Steelers had tails. Oh well, at least Deion properly tossed the coin. Now on to the kickoff. Finally.

6:37 P.M.: Steelers go three and out but the punt is a comedy of errors leading to one of those fun fumble scrums but the Packers recover. Packers at least get a first down but do nothing much else. Time to the commercials.

6:44 P.M.: Bud Light gets the first commercial and, meh. Audi at least provides us with a Kenny G cameo for those of us who were wondering if Kenny G was still alive or not.

6:47 P.M.: Rashard Mendenhall is a former Illini. Just saying…

6:50 P.M.: Doritos is using the “let’s really disturb our customers” advertising technique while Pepsi just went with the always successful “let’s see a pretty girl get injured”. People getting hit in the head is fun!

6:57 P.M.: The Rock and Vin Diesel in the same movie? Maybe Vin could let the Rock know how his career is going to turn out. And Alex Rodriguez being with Cameron Diaz is both sad but fitting. Packers have put together the first actual drive of the game and are near the Steelers 30.
7:00 P.M.: Green Bay touchdown on a really nice pass play. The Old Milwaukee is flowing right now as well as wheels of cheddar.

7:02 P.M.: Seriously, I think Pepsi Max’s slogan is “Drink it or use it to bean someone in the head. Or the groin. Groin is probably funnier.”

7:07 P.M.: Well Big Ben just lobbed one up there in the vague direction of a receiver and Nick Collins intercepts it and takes it to the house making it a 14 – 0 Packers lead. I might be forced to do Puppy Bowl coverage. At least I’m not Eminem and have reached the point where I have to shill iced tea for a living.

7:23 P.M.: Steelers put together a nice little drive but it fizzles out with just a field goal to make it 14 – 3. I can also go without hearing the song Tiny Dancer or seeing another Transformers movie.

7:33 P.M.: The Volkswagen mini-Vader commercial is pretty awesome even if only for the fact that the commercial reminds me of myself when I was younger. I am not sure about the Thor movie though mainly because I was never a big fan of the Thor character. It just never seemed realistic to have a Norse god in comic books. Being bitten by a radioactive spider giving you the abilities of a spider makes sense; Norse gods less so. But hey, it’s another Natalie Portman movie. The Avengers might feature Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlett Johannsen, Natalie Portman and Robin from How I Met Your Mother.

7:36 P.M.: I know that I am not doing much game analysis as for the most part I don’t have that much to say. The Steelers are moving the ball now but they are pretty beat up and it is only the first half. There is a lot of hard hits though no concussions so far.

7:40 P.M.: Snickers follows up on last year’s Betty White commercial by having Richard Lewis and Roseanne with Roseanne being hit by a log. I’m not anticipating either of them having as big a career comeback as Betty White did. Oh, and careerbuilder.com goes for the “monkeys equals jobs again.”

7:42 P.M.: Ben throws another interception. I’m hoping Byron Leftwitch makes it into the game if only because he was shown wearing his iPod on the sideline earlier.

7:45 P.M.: Another touchdown for Green Bay on a Rodgers to Jennings pass. This game is getting out of hand pretty fast. 21 – 3 Green Bay with about two minutes left in the first half.

7:50 P.M.: I really don’t need my car to access Facebook for me. In fact, I can’t think of a single time that I’ve been in my car and thought “you know what, I really wonder what random people I went to high school with are posting to Facebook right now.” Oh, and Carmax has the best commercial that I have seen so far tonight.

7:56 P.M.: Steelers put together a nice two minute drill combined with injuring much of the Green Bay secondary. That results in a touchdown to bring the score to 21 – 10. Game has gotten better but it really hasn’t been a spectacular game in any sense of the word. It’s been most notable for the number of players who have come off the field injured which is great for those of us who think that an eighteen game regular season is the worst idea ever.

8:00 P.M.: Halftime. Black Eyed Peas for those of you who are interested. I’m going to watch some puppies.

8:21 P.M.: Well, at least we know where all the excess Tron costumes went to…

8:31 P.M.: Charles Woodson is out of the game. As much as I want the Steelers to win I would prefer it not be a result of everyone on the Packers getting hurt. Also, even though a lot of people weren’t behind Woodson getting the Heisman all those years ago he did turn into one hell of an NFL player.

8:36 P.M.: Packers shooting themselves in the foot here. Dropped pass that could have been big and then a bad facemask penalty on the punt. Also, has the eTrade baby gotten older. And I am embarrassed to see Ozzy on the same set as Justin Bieber. Mainly because I am embarrassed to see Justin Bieber on a set.

8:42 P.M.: Rashard Mendenhall for the touchdown. Oskee Wow Wow!!! Note: I have no idea what Oskee Wow Wow and I have never met a fellow Illini who knew what it meant either. Steelers with all the momentum though they are down 21 – 17. Packers defense is just completely beat up at the moment and they don’t have a running game to try to hold a lead.

8:43 P.M.: “Cram it in the boot?” Yeah, that sounds vaguely….yeah. I’m pretty sure that will be talked about around the water cooler tomorrow though I don’t know if any offices have water coolers anymore.

8:49 P.M.: Packers have absolutely nothing going right now. Dropped pass, sack, they haven’t had a single good play in the second half. Apparently they were too depressed by the Black Eyed Peas halftime set and are in no condition to play now. Oh, and Groupon is using the “screw helping the planet when you can get a good deal on a dinner” advertising philosophy.

9:03 P.M.: Interesting little series of events there. Steelers try a 52 yard field goal and they would have been better off having that girl who delivered the game ball who wanted to be the first female NFL kicker take the try. Packers get the ball in good field position and immediately makes a nice play. In between Chrysler was alternating between advertising a car and Detroit itself with the second Eminem sighting of the night.

9:21 P.M.: End of the third quarter with the Steelers driving while down 21 – 17. I’m tiring. Please send buffalo wings or cute puppy dogs.

9:25 P.M.: Mendenhall, who probably never went to class anyway, fumbles the ball away to start the fourth quarter.

9:31 P.M.: Packers make a number of good plays ending with a Rodgers to Jennings touchdown pass. The story of the game has been the Steelers turning the ball over and the Packers making them pay. Also, Johnny Depp is apparently playing a lizard or Hunter S. Thompson or maybe both simultaneously. 28 – 17 Packers.

9:41 P.M.: Here is the problem with living in the eastern time zone. I’m dead tired right now and there is still eight minutes left in the game with the Steelers driving. This game is going to go down to the wire especially now that Pittsburgh just scored on a really nice pass to Wallace to make it 28 – 25 (including an option play to Radall-El (who is still in the NFL)). If I was in the Midwest it would be an hour earlier but no. Heck, if I wanted to watch Glee I would be up until midnight.

9:44 P.M.: Great Bridgestone commercial involving a beaver. Less impressive GoDaddy commercial involving….yeah, I’m better off not going there. I can’t wait until Jillian Michaels uses this as encouragement on the Biggest Loser, “work hard and you can be a GoDaddy girl.”

9:52 P.M.: While the Steelers have cut it close a big pass to Jennings and a run that actually moves the ball forward for once and the Packers have it within a long field goal range. They are slowly beginning to run down the clock with four minutes left.

9:56 P.M.: Packers add a field goal with two minutes left so it is 31 – 25. The game has turned into what most people thought it would: the ball in Roethlisberger hands with a chance to win. Should be a fun ending. Also, for once all of the people who ended up on the five line in the office pool have a chance to win. There is nothing worse in an office pool than ending up with a five.

10:03 P.M.: One minute left with third and five from the Steelers 33 and it is incomplete. One play left for the Steelers. And it is incomplete. That is ballgame.

10:05 P.M.: Not a bad game. More interesting than I thought it would be much of the time. The Steelers had every chance to win the game but they kept on blowing their chances. Turn it over three times and you will lose. Simple as that.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Blacks “Just Like Home”
2) Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit “Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit”
3) The Sundays “Blind”
4) The Shins “Chutes Too Narrow”
5) Terrence Simien “Jam the Jazzfest”

Game of the Century

8:59 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Sports Central at Battling the Current headquarters. I am joined by…looks around sheepishly…dear god do my parties suck.

9:00 P.M.: Yep, it’s live blog time once again as I will cover the NCAA basketball finals between Duke and Butler. It is David vs. Goliath and I am cheering for Goliath. Yes, I am pure evil.

9:01 P.M.: No, I am not kidding here, the Christian Laettner jersey has been unretired and I am once again wearing the Duke 32 jersey that I bought in college. It is a lot tighter now than it was before. It only comes out for title games and it does have a 2-1 record so we’ll see how it does tonight. I know that I wrote last week that I didn’t feel really connected to this team and I can’t say that I do so I will do my best to not be an obnoxious fan because I haven’t earned the right (plus I hate obnoxious Duke fans.) But, I really do admire Coach K and I would like to see him get his fourth title to move him past Bobby Knight and into the legendary level.

9:04 P.M.: Before the game starts I’ll mention that my Monday Weigh In is 209.5 pounds for a gain of 1 pound from last week. I gained a pound? How could that happen? I mean, I worked out once, kind of. I didn’t even eat meat on Friday. Time to kick it up a notch. Tomorrow.

9:11 P.M.: I’ve never quite understood the concept of “Prelude to a Championship.” No other sporting event has a prelude. It is the only time that a sporting event gets compared to a symphony.

9:16 P.M.: Can anyone explain to my why in the Enterprise Rental Car ad the guy let’s his mom drive? Dude looks to be nearing 30 at least. At that age you take the wheel, not your mom.

9:19 P.M.: Ok, it is really cool that Butler is the smallest school to make the title game since probably Indiana State. And that the players actually come from the same state that the school is located in (as opposed to Duke or West Virginia.)

9:22 P.M.: Well, if player introductions are any indications it is a rather partisan crowd in Indianapolis. And I might as well admit it now: the Butler head coach is younger than I am. Occasionally I think that I have accomplished some things with my life. Then I see someone like him and realize that I am completely wrong.

9:24 P.M.: Opening tip to Butler. I just lost 50 bucks on a prop bet. And Butler takes the lead costing me another 50.

9:25 P.M.: Duke takes the lead. All is right with the world.

9:29 P.M.: The Plumley brothers enter the game thus I believe setting a record for tall, non-mobile white guys on the floor at one time for a team playing for a title. Seriously, where the hell does Duke find all these guys? They never had depth in the frontcourt for the past decade. 6-4 Duke at the first television timeout. (Lance Thomas also has two fouls, which may become a factor later on.)

9:34 P.M.: A three second call? What the hell is this, a grade school game? Not that I wasn’t called for like a dozen or those in my lifetime.

9:36 P.M.: Zoubek draws a charge and doesn’t ruin the career of his opponent in a nice change of pace.

9:41 P.M.: It’s 16-14 Duke with a little over 11 minutes left. Butler plays hella good defense. And it’s not one of those trick zone defenses you use to disguise a lack of talent. They are just damn good defenders.

9:46 P.M.: One of the things about these games in domes that they use an elevated floor and that really bugs me. The benches are below the floor and the coaches sit on stools on the sideline. Coaches should stalk the sideline. Sitting on stools is for bad lounge singers.

9:49 P.M.: Butler leads by two with eight minutes left. Anxiety level: 2 out of 10. Also, Mr. Coke Zero guy: Dry your damn hair. You look like a total douche.

9:54 P.M.: The thing about Butler keeping this game close is that this isn’t one of those Duke squads that puts on those huge ten point runs in a minute on a team. They are really a grind it out type of team. If Butler keeps on hanging in with them they will be there at the end.

9:57 P.M.: And after I write that Duke goes on an 8-0 run and Butler wisely calls a timeout. But it still isn’t a killer run. It was an eight point run that featured defense, a jump ball and either a good move or a travel by Singler on a drive.

9:59 P.M.: I might as well start camping out for Iron Man 2 now. It just looks super cool. And the Butler players were in class today so I really like them for that.

10:04 P.M.: Someone needs to explain to Clark Kellogg that one team’s defensive rebounding is another team’s offensive rebounding. So if they are good at one it means that the other team is bad at the other. Still better than having to listen to Billy Packer though.

10:06 P.M.: Personally, I find it hysterical that the guy at Applebee’s who orders an under 500 calorie meal is doing so while drinking a 20 Oz. beer. Because, you know, beer doesn’t have calories. Or at least I hope to god that it doesn’t. Maybe that explains that weight gain.

10:10 P.M.: And it’s halftime with Duke leading 33 – 32. Really good first half by both teams with the refs deciding to let them play. I’d say that my anxiety level is at 4 right now. My feeling is that if Duke scores 70 they will win the game. Less than that and it is anyone’s game. Duke needs to get some rebounds though as Butler is getting a ton of second chance shots. But something in me has a bad feeling about this. Duke should be up by seven right now and they aren’t.

10:18 P.M.: The fan behind Greg Gumbel waving the sign that is cheering for Duke and the Patriots may quite possibly be the most annoying fan in the history of the planet. I’ll just make the assumption that he is a Red Sox fan as well. And it’s official that De’sean Butler absolutely destroyed his knee on Saturday night. I feel horrible about that because he seems to be a great guy and I hate the fact that his pro career was jeopardized in his last game. Hope he recovers.

10:25 P.M.: Great, Army of Darkness is on HBO. Now I’m going to have to decide what to watch.

10:32 P.M.: Here we go, twenty minutes to history. I’ll take Bruce Campbell over the army of skeletons in the other matchup.

10:34 P.M.: Well no one is going to say that Duke is getting calls tonight. No one is getting calls tonight. Guys on both teams are getting mugged tonight.

10:40 P.M.: 40 all with 15 minutes left. It honestly looks like Butler has seven people on the floor when they are on defense. I’ve never seen a ballhandler be double teamed and yet have no one open.

10:44 P.M.: Matt Howard of Butler, who has one of those mustaches you see on a high school senior, picks up his fourth foul. That is Butler’s main inside man out of there but Butler has been playing great when they have had to play small so I am not sure if that is a bad thing. Butler takes a one point lead to prove the point.

10:48 P.M.: It is so interesting that Jackie Earle Haley started his career as one of the kids in the Bad News Bears and then stayed out of the limelight until the past few years. He just had to wait until he grew into some new roles, which our characters like Freddy Kreuger and Rorshach. I really don’t want to know what happened to him after the Bad News Bears now that I think about it.

10:52 P.M.: And Duke draws one of its legendary Duke charging calls. Blame Dick Vitale for this. For years Vitale talked about how great Duke was at getting charges. Suddenly on every play under the basket Duke drew the charge. This has led to Duke guys flopping like mad trying to draw charges, which cost them the 99 title against UConn when the refs finally decided to stop calling it. Moral of the story: stop flopping unless you want to lose again.

11:03 P.M.: Always cool to find out that Butler has one of the Van Zants on the team. Skynyrd rules!!! Duke up four with a free throw to come with eight minutes left. Anxiety level is easily an 8 right now. I will say that this is one of the better championship games that I can remember in a long time. Probably since the Illinois – North Carolina game. Burn in hell Sean May, by the way.

11:09 P.M.: Kyle Singler is playing one hell of a game. Third big block of the night from a guy who isn’t known for it. Can’t convert on the other end though. Duke up five with under six minutes left. Butler keeps on making defensive stands when they have to. I really haven’t seen team defense like that for a long time.

11:14 P.M.: Lance Thomas takes down Matt Hayward and it looks bad but isn’t a flagrant foul. As the announcers say it is the right call but it sure looks like he got mugged. Butler cuts it to a one point game with five minutes left as Duke calls timeout. Anxiety level is now at 10. I’m freaking out right about now. I know I said that I didn’t really care about this team but hey, old habits die hard. That said, Butler is a freaking amazing team and if they win they completely deserve it.

11:17 P.M.: Another time out after Duke goes up three. Think about it. Butler had to go through Syracuse, Kansas State and Michigan State to make the title game. That means they had to play either the best or second best team in the Big East, Big 12 and Big Ten to play the best team in the ACC. That is a hell of an accomplishment for any team.

11:20 P.M.: Duke at the line with 3:16 left. I wish we didn’t have to go to commercials at this point. Now I have to deal with that weird British dude in the HP commercials talking to Dr. Dre. Talk about having a commercial that totally takes you out of a game.

11:23 P.M.: And it is a five point lead as we get another jump ball. Again, I can’t ever remember so many jump balls in a championship game. Hell, in any game. That is how tough the defense has been all night from both teams.

11:26 P.M.: Butler has lost their offensive rhythm and hasn’t made baskets in a few minutes. If it wasn’t for their tough defense, which just led to a travel call on Duke, this game would be decided. It is seven and a half minutes plus without a basket for Butler, which means that they just make one. Duke by three with the ball. Ninety seconds to go.

11:27 P.M.: Butler cuts it to one. 54 seconds left. Duke calls timeout. Anxiety level now 15 out of 10. I’m just going to write one entry from here on out. Duke loses the ball. Butler’s ball with 33 seconds left down one. No shot clock. Defense Duke. Defense. Out of bounds to Butler with 13.6 left. Butler calls timeout. Looks like we are going to be down to one shot for the title. Again, do we have to have commercials? Butler has to call timeout after not getting the ball inbounds. No timeouts left for Butler. I believe that I have stopped breathing. Hayward misses a challenged shot, Zoubek rebounds and is fouled with 3.6 left!!! Makes the first! Misses the second….Hayward from half court…..and hits the rim! Wow!!!!! How freaking close can you get!!!!

11:37 P.M.: I’m still not breathing. Duke 61 Butler 59. I wish my teacher, old friend and the guy who told me in 1987 to follow this team was still with us to see this moment. Four titles Kevin. I can’t believe it myself.

11:44 P.M.: One Shining Moment!!!

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Sally Timms “Cowboy Sally’s Twilight Laments for Lost Buckaroos”
2) Blue Rodeo “The Days in Between”
3) Webb Wilder “Hybrid Vigor”
4) The Subdudes “The Subdudes”
5) The Subdudes “Primitive Streak”

Gold Medal Live Blog

3:03 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current Sports Headquarters as we are providing live coverage of the Gold Medal Game between the United States and Canada. It is Bacon vs. Canadian Bacon, Rush vs. REO Speedwagon, the Metric System vs. the real way to measure things. In short, the planet’s two greatest rivals compete in the ultimate showdown.

3:06 P.M.: Same rules as always for the live blog. I’ll sit around and watch the game making snide comments all the while. I will also try to make vague sexual innuendos using terms such as five hole, line shift, and two line pass.

3:07 P.M.: I think that Don Cherry just broke my HD set. For those who don’t understand who that he the official statement is that he is a Canadian icon that no one else can quite comprehend. Imagine John Madden crossed with RuPaul.

3:11 P.M.: For the record, this game will have nothing in common with the Miracle on Ice game. That was a bunch of college kids going up against professionals during the time in which the threat of a pre-emptive nuclear strike was so strong that even as a six year old I was fairly confident that I was not going to see my twenty first birthday. This is a matchup of two sets of professionals, many of whom play for the same team. It is a slight difference.

3:20 P.M.: And we drop the puck. You know what would be awesome? If the puck glowed. It would be much easier to follow. And it could have a streak like a comet’s tail behind it on a slapshot. I can’t believe that no one has thought about that before.

3:22 P.M.: Yes, we know that Ryan Miller went to Michigan State. Seriously, it is not that much of an accomplishment. Better than Arizona State, not as impressive as Minnesota State (because any school that hires Dauber is good enough for me.)

3:28 P.M.: Seven minutes in and no score. Americans are playing well so far with the puck being mainly on the Canadian end. Beatles and Rolling Stones songs seem to be the soundtrack of choice in Vancouver this afternoon.

3:32 P.M.: Chris Drury is one of the few people on the planet whose life I envy. Olympic medalist, Stanley Cup Champion, and, oh, he just happened to be the winning pitcher in the Little League World Series as a kid. If he had the Millennium Falcon playset as a kid he may have the most perfect life ever imagined by man.

3:37 P.M.: Jack Johnson apparently plays for the Americans. Kind of surprising. He always seemed more like a laid back surfer type to me rather than a hard hitting defenseman.

3:40 P.M.: Crap, the Canadians just scored. At least it was scored by a Blackhawk so I am not entirely upset. Though why they just broke into a soccer chant in the Olympics hockey final is beyond me. This marks the first time that the Americans have trailed all tournament.

3:43 P.M.: No way that was a penalty ref! Why don’t you just go have another doughnut. And some Tim Horton’s coffee given you’re obviously a Canadian referee.

3:51 P.M.: “The probing has continued.” Now that is a line that I typically do not here during sports commentary.

3:52 P.M.: It is rather amazing watching hockey without commercial breaks. There is so much more flow to the game than you usually see. True, I have no idea what beer to drink now because I have not been constantly reminded of the proper beverage to pursue in order to appear attractive to the opposite sex but the hockey has been better.

3:53 P.M.: And that is the first period with the Canucks leading 1 – 0. Time for the Zamboni.



3:54 P.M.: Can I just say that I have to thank eTrade for introducing the words “shankopotamous” and “milkaholic” to my every day vocabulary. Yes, talking babies are the lowest level of marketing but at least they have given them interesting things to say.

4:07 P.M.: The ice is clean, the zambonis have returned to their pens and the teams are going in the other directions. Let’s get this party started! (Note: said party may not actually exist not does its start depend on an official pronouncement.)

4:08 P.M.: It is a little difficult to get a chant going of Can – A – Da. It just doesn’t sound right. Not because the Canadians can not be patriotic. More like it is very hard to have a real powerful chant when the last thing you say is “Duh.”

4:11 P.M.: Ok, that was high sticking on the Americans. But if you can’t take being hit in the head with a stick you probably shouldn’t be playing hockey. Should have been a no call.

4:14 P.M.: Awesome! We get a make up call. Power play for the Americans due to an interference call. Don’t know what causes an interference penalty but I am certain that the Canadians did it.

4:17 P.M.: Have to admit that that was a sweet little goal by Canada there. Loose puck bounces to the front of the net and a quick shot makes it 2 – 0. Not the start I was hoping for as the Americans will really need to pull out the stops from here on out.

4:27 P.M.: Finally we have some action. Chicago Blackhawk Patrick Kane scores on the deflection to make it 2 – 1. It’s been a pretty good game so far which is why I haven’t been writing as much. I’m too interested in watching the game and play by play would basically consist of me writing “They’re all skating one way….Now they’re all skating the other way.”

4:34 P.M.: It is now tradition for goalies to have the most incredible masks imaginable. Ryan Miller has an American Eagle and Uncle Sam on his both of which look like they have really bad attitudes. The Canadian goalie has images of maple syrup and Celine Dion on his. Pretty much even there.

4:43 P.M.: We’re through two periods. Time to figure out who is the Great One and who is Marty McSorely.



5:11 P.M.: Ten minutes left now. Yes, I know that I missed ten minutes there but I believe that it was due to being abducted by aliens. On the plus side, the probing is no longer continuing.

5:16 P.M.: Five minutes left and the Americans are starting to press. This one is going to go down to the last minute. Luckily, we still have Mike Euruzione on the bench as well as Emilio Estevez as the coach so I am perfectly confident in our chances. Especially when we pull off the behind the net spin move.

5:25 P.M.: Down to the last minute. Americans have pulled the goalie and it is a fight to the death for the gold medal. And the Americans score to tie it up!!!! Using the extra skater almost never works but for once it comes into play. And we are going to overtime. Sudden death, loser leaves town, no holds barred, one fall to a finish. Time to get pumped up.



5:36 P.M.: For those who aren’t hockey fans this is the epitome of what makes the sport amazing. Overtime in a big game. You drop the puck and first one to score gets the gold medal. There is nothing else quite like it in sports. Sure football has sudden death overtime but only hockey has the sense that in fifteen seconds either team could win the game.

5:48 P.M.: Into overtime now. Interesting that the rules make it 4 on 4, which is slightly odd. It would be like, well, reducing the size of a team by one player in any other sport.

5:50 P.M.: Five minutes into overtime. Some big saves by Miller so far. May I be the first to say that it is Miller Time?

5:53 P.M.: Ooh, good chance by the Americans there on a steal…but then Crosby scores to give the Canadians a win. Damnit. Oh well, I’d rather have a player that I like score the winning goal than someone else. Great game.

5:54 P.M.: And that is going to be it for the Olympics. I’ll call these games a bit of a mixed bag. They got started off on such a horrible note with the death of the luger and an awkward opening ceremonies. I really enjoyed the first week of the games and was totally into it but I kind of fell out of things as the games progressed. Part of it is the fact that a lot of the events that I enjoy (downhill skiing, luge, speed skating) were all in the first week. Part of it was that the Americans did better at the beginning than at the end. But mainly it was the fact that the coverage by NBC was so horrible that I could not bring myself to watch it the second week. I just couldn’t bring myself to watch sports where I already knew who won.

I’ll miss curling, still the best sport on the planet, and the joy of biathlon. I’ll miss checking the TV schedule daily to see what cool events were on tap for today. I’ll miss the joy of watching top level competition. The Olympics are always a two week break from the world of sports and reality. Two weeks where there are no teams: just individuals and countries. All sports are equal. The top figure skater gets the same medal as the top cross country skier. It is by no means a perfect event or organization but it is what we want sports to be. See you in London in 2012.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Dave Matthews Band “Remember Two Things”
2) Tori Amos “From the Choirgirl Hotel”
3) Cathy Richardson “Fools on a Tandem”
4) Veruca Salt “Blow It Out Your Ass, It’s Veruca Salt”
5) Various Artists “Down From the Mountain”

We're on the moon!

Given that tonight is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing I decided that it would be fitting if I went back, way back, into the Battling the Current archives and reprinted my live blog from that night. So join me friends as we harken back to that wonderful time.

8:58 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current science headquarters for full coverage of men walking on the moon. Holy shit! We’re on the freaking moon! I need to sit down for a moment. And I’m already sitting down.

9:00 P.M.: As usual I will set the ground rules for tonight. I will watch the coverage tonight, along with my partner Robby the Robot, and comment on what I see. The beverage of choice is of course Tang. Remember folks, it is perfectly proper to walk into any grocery store in this great nation of ours and loudly proclaim, “Hey, does anyone know where a guy could get some Tang in this place?”

9:06 P.M.: For those wondering at the moment we have Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin (dude, all astronauts should be required to be named Buzz) on the moon in the lunar module while Michael Collins is orbiting the moon in the command module thus making Michael Collins the biggest footnote in history as the guy who didn’t walk on the moon. I assume that right now he is doing a crossword puzzle wondering how often his name will appear in the future.

9:10 P.M.: Why yes Robby, I also hope that the evil Dr. Smith has not hidden himself onboard the spacecraft in an attempt to sabotage the mission. And no, it doesn’t make sense to me why Dr. Smith would spend so much time with young Will Robinson as opposed to Penny or Judy. It troubles me greatly.

9:19 P.M.: We’re at a lull in the coverage here so I just want to mention that I am on the fence about going to Woodstock this year. I would love to see Sha Na Na (how awesome is Bowser. I mean, you could make an entire sitcom about the antics of a guy wearing a leather jacket and acting cool and having a catchphrase like “Hey…”) but not sure if the rest of the bill is worth it. I’ll probably just go to Altamont instead. Things will be a lot more peaceful out in sunny California.

9:21 P.M.: Dude, the summer of ’69 is going to be so epic. I hope someone writes a song about it. I just had a funny thought. Imagine of the song that memorializes this year the best is written by some loser Canadian guy.

9:25 P.M.: Ok, we just have word that they are about to step out of the capsule. Let’s switch this over to live moon coverage.

9:26 P.M.: Wait a minute. How can we have a live camera on the moon when they haven’t actually stepped foot on the moon yet? Did they climb out, set up the camera, climb back in again and then act like nothing happened?

9:28 P.M.: Here we go. The entire world is focused on a man walking down a ladder. And he’s done it! Neil Armstrong is walking on the moon. Remind me, walking on the moon would be a great title for a modified reggae song by a band whose lead singer would be named Bite or Prick or something.

9:31 P.M.: Correct me if I am wrong here but did Neil just blow his big line? “That is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” That statement doesn’t make any sense. In that context man and mankind are equivalent so he basically said “That is one small step for man, one giant leap for man.” He should have said, “That is one small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind.” Jeez, we can put a man on the moon but we can’t formulate a sentence correctly.

9:33 P.M.: Think about all of the people out there who have ever said, “I’ll do that when a man walks on the moon.” I have a feeling a few bets are being called in tonight.

9:35 P.M.: Here comes Buzz. Though I can’t see it through his helmet I assume that he is wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette throughout this entire process as all guys named Buzz naturally do. Also, mission control reports that Michael Collins requests assistance on 24 Down.

9:36 P.M.: Is it me or does the moon look surprisingly like Arizona? I swear I can see Phoenix in the background.

9:45 P.M.: I’m just stunned at what I am seeing right now. Just go outside and look at the sky. See the moon? There are two people walking around up there right now. Just think about that for a moment. We put a person from here to there. People think that it is amazing that we can scale Mt. Everest or fly across an ocean. This is just beyond words.

9:50 P.M.: I can’t wait to see where we are in forty years. Flying cars and hoverboards to be sure. Vacations on the moon. Trips to Mars. The possibilities are seemingly endless. It would be a shame if the only major advance in that time period was the creation of a computer network used primarily to look at porn and inform your friends what Peanuts character you most resemble.

9:55 P.M.: Thinking about all of this has given me a great idea for a movie script. How about you have a young farmboy who discover these two robots who lead him to this old hermit who is really this famous warrior. They go off on a journey to save a princess (who is really the farmboy’s sister but I’m not sure if we reveal that right away. Better to have some very strange sexual tension first) aided by a space pirate and his rather large dog. To save the princess they have to battle this evil Man-Bot who in reality is the farmboy’s father but you don’t know that either. In the end they have this huge space battle with amazing sound effects even though space is a vacuum so there wouldn’t be any noises. What do you think?

10:00 P.M.: Ok, I’m calling it a night here. Right now Neil and Buzz are hopping away on the surface and I assume that they will come home to wonderful careers as Bears head coach and surfing instructor respectively. Tomorrow we will discuss the chances for the Cubs to make the World Series this year as they are 24 games over 500 at the moment. I mean, what are the odds that they will collapse and take at least another forty years to go to a World Series? If we can put a man on the moon we could certainly put the Cubs in the Series, right?

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Insiders “Fate in Action”
2) The Flaming Lips “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots”
3) The New Pornographers “Twin Cinema”
4) They Might Be Giants “Flood”
5) Monte Warden “A Stranger to me Now”

For second place, you get a dictionary

7:58 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from the grammar wing of the Battling the Current headquarters for the 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee. Let’s get ready to spellble!

7:59 P.M.: The rules are simple. I am going to watch ABC’s live coverage of the finals of the Spelling Bee and make snide comments as it goes along.

8:00 P.M.: Let’s bring on the finalists! What the hell, one of them has a moustache? I’m 35 and I can’t even grow a moustache. Illinois well represented amongst the finalsists.

8:05 P.M.: Serena, who quilts, takes pictures and paints, seems to have been born a 45 year old woman with several cats. She also throws books around when she gets upset. What a surprise that she is home schooled. She gets a word right that I don’t think I’ve ever heard of.

8:14 P.M.: Here is what is worrying me. They are now showing their second vignette on one of the finalists. A vignette that was obviously filmed weeks ahead of time and carefully edited. Now obviously they did not do this for every single contestant in the competition. This means that someone somewhere has ranked ahead of time ten year old spellers. Imagine being given that assignment.

8:17 P.M.: Hey, a girl from Olathe! As long as there are no words dealing with evolution she should go far.

8:19 P.M.: There is a new Eddie Murphy movie coming out. Remind me, are we still in the era of every movie Eddie Murphy makes is a pile of suck or are we at career renaissance number seven for him?

8:24 P.M.: Oh, and we have our first knock out of the night on a word with two r’s in a row. Thus the hopes of the people of Nevada goes down in flames. Erin Andrews (the pride of the University of Florida) is in the backstage area to provide the same level of expert commentary as she brings to all sporting events. Which is, primarily, very good hair.

8:29 P.M.: My personal fave, Tim Ruiter (because he has the same glasses and bad hair that I did as a kid) nails his word and we are through the first round. Ten nerds remain.

8:30 P.M.: For those wondering, I never officially entered either the spelling bee or the geography bee as a kid. I never knew how to participate and I would probably have done better on the geography side than the spelling side. I did however, win a congressional district wide history quiz that was actually pretty intense and led to my meeting my congressman and winning 100 bucks. First time that trivia proved profitable for me.

8:38 P.M.: Oh and Serena is knocked out. Surprising in that there are no tears from her. Strength from the future cat lady.

8:39 P.M.: Kyle from Peoria, in his bright neon green shirt, still doesn’t appear to have woken up. It is either confidence or it is past his bedtime.

8:48 P.M.: The girl from Olathe is inspired by a former Spelling Bee winner. On the list of people that I looked up to in life, spelling bee winners are not on my list. And I am as geeky as they come. Ooh, and I finally got a word: blancmange. Mainly from a Monty Python sketch.

8:52 P.M.: Many contestants have the habit of writing either on their hand or their card to try to get the word right. This wouldn’t be me as I would be the one looking up in the air instead. And we have lost our favorite as last year’s runner up Super Siddhart has been knocked out of the competition. He’s now forced to a future of medical school.

8:55 P.M.: And the bloodbath continues as another contestant gets knocked out. She has the presence of mind to say ding as the bell rings so that is cool. There are some people who think it might be cruel of me to make fun of 13 year olds in this competition. However, that doesn’t come close to being told that you are an idiot by having a bell rung.

8:58 P.M.: My boy Tim is up with his favorite band listed as They Might Be Giants. What a freaking surprise. He nails the word and we have seven spellers, four girls and three boys.

9:09 P.M.: At some point I would ask for a definition of the definition. Either that or ask if the judge could spell it for me. By the way, has anyone tried the Kentucky Grilled Chicken yet? I’m curious as to how it tastes. I know that I just made a bizarre segue there but what would you do if you’ve been watching kids spell for the past seventy minutes.

9:15 P.M.: Jeez, not only do the losing kids have to remain on stage so do their families. In my day if I lost in a contest my dad would immediately start the car and we certainly weren’t going to stop at McDonald’s on the way home.

9:16 P.M.: My boy Tim’s favorite food is dark chocolate. I’m not sure if that is technically a food. More like an ingredient. Still he rocks out and is our sole remaining home schooled kid left so I have to root for him because it’s not like he has any classmates cheering him on.

9:35 P.M.: We still have seven kids left. I am beginning to wonder just how late this can go. Also, the kids have been slightly normal. Well, at least from my point of view. I had more eccentricities as a kid in these types of contests (and a desire to win that was frightening.) It is what happens when academics is your field of competition.

9:42 P.M.: We finally knock out another contestant and have our first mention of a schwa sound. I was taught the importance of a schwa sound as a child and have lived the rest of my life without ever having to use it. And we have our second cheese word in about ten minutes. So the best way to win the contest is to be a cheesemonger’s son.

9:46 P.M.: And Kennyi, who was providing the comic relief tonight, got eliminated on a word about a type of pancake that was derived via about three quarters of eastern Europe. He really did a hell of a job and already got to spend time with Erin Andrews. I also like the fact that when he heard the word spelled correctly he went, “I still don’t know it.” That was my favorite way to lose at trivia. I never felt bad at missing a question where after hearing the answer I still didn’t have a clue.

9:52 P.M.: We are down to the final four with my boy Tim still in it having correctly spelled jacqueminot, a word that I also correctly spelled. My vague knowledge of French occasionally comes in handy. Actually it never comes in handy. Anyone ever wonder why you are taught so many subjects that you never use again? Did I really need to know what the word umbrella was in French?

9:57 P.M.: Just once I want to hear the language of origin be “Klingon.” Oh, and Kyle gets knocked out on a rather difficult word and he still doesn’t show any emotion. To be honest I don’t think that he has cared this entire competition.

10:02 P.M.: Down to the final three and the championship round. Twenty five words to a finish and we have now reached the point where even I don’t have a clue what any of the words mean. We have a girl from Springfield, a girl from Olathe, and a home school kid who looked like me if I stayed away from school in an attempt to protect myself from wedgies. And Grey’s Anatomy will still be shown in its entirety at the end of the broadcast. Yes, the spelling bee is running long.

10:05 P.M.: Hey the winner gets a copy of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Not like that is necessary during the time of Wikipedia. Also, the two girls left went to pre-school together. Somehow I have a feeling they weren’t the two eating the paste.

10:11 P.M.: By the way, anyone want to road trip to Baltimore this weekend? They are hosting the World Series of Flip Cup and I need to get a team together. I may no longer be able to compete in spelling bees because of my drinking but I can still compete in drinking because of my drinking. And we just lost another contestant. Down to the final two.

10:13 P.M.: Olathe girl gets it right and now my boy Tim has to get this right to stay in it. And he blows it and the crown goes to Olathe! Except it doesn’t in a rule that doesn’t quite make sense to me. She has to spell this next word right to win. Laodicean for the win…and she gets it! And now, like all talented people from Kansas, she will soon move to another part of the country.

That’s it for tonight. Check back over the weekend as I am bringing back the 80’s Weekend Rewind. Because nothing is better than nostalgia when the present isn’t meeting your expectations.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast

8:00 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from the political wing of Battling the Current headquarters for another in the weekly editions of the Barack Obama press conference. For the record, in 100 days we have had three press conferences and one address to congress. That is a little bit of overkill don’t you think? Also, when the president enters the room I would think that instead of Hail to the Chief we should have a funk band playing the president in and out. We need to bring the presidency in to the 21st century.

8:03 P.M.: Yes, your president just reminded you to cover your mouth when you cough. We are also reminded to look both ways before you cross the street, put on a sweater and to remember to wear clean underwear.

8:08 P.M.: It would be nice if someone could explain to me exactly why this hundred day milestone is considered so important. It really is just a random number that is chosen because it happens to be a nice, round number. Sure, it is nice to have a milestone but it really is rather meaningless.

8:10 P.M.: I do love the fact that we are essentially asking whether we should start looting in response to the flu. Hopefully at some point we will be given the official notice to begin panicking. And despite the fact that my company has decided to officially allow us to wear surgical masks in the office (I’m not making that up. I got an email on it this afternoon.) I still don’t think this is the right time. And again, he is telling us to wash our hands.

8:16 P.M.: I still think that we could solve all of Detroit’s problems by adding giant tail fins to all new cars. Wouldn’t you buy a new car if it came with awesome tail fins? And can we add in a pair of fuzzy dice with every new purchase? Either that or one of those Playboy bunny air fresheners.

8:20 P.M.: The torture debate is one of those strange ones in terms of logic. Now I am against torture as I am a firm believer in that the US needs to be based on justice and not vengeance. I also am not entirely sold that torture is very effective in providing information without causing damage on many fronts. But here is the issue. We say torture is wrong. We state that waterboarding is torture. We admit that we waterboarded. But we do not prosecute the people who did so because it was legal at the time. So in essence, torture is illegal unless we say it isn’t. I still haven’t wrapped my head around that one.

8:24 P.M.: When did everyone decide to change the pronunciation of Pakistan. It used to be Pack-istan and now it is Pa-kiss-stan. It’s like the president is trying to sound British or something. I’m more concerned in this matter than in our foreign policy strategy in the region.

8:30 P.M.: For those people who are not from Pennsylvania (or from Delaware after having realized that there is no local news network in the entire state of Delaware) here is the main reason why Arlen Spector switched parties. Arlen is up for reelection in 2010 and in the polls against his likely republican primary opponent he is losing by something like 15 points. It is easier for him to be reelected by changing his party to Democrat without changing the way he would vote on any single issue.

8:34 P.M.: Woo hoo! A Notre Dame shout out! Oh, it is about the commencement speech. As several people have asked me about this as a Notre Dame alum and as a catholic here is my stance on it. I have no issue with Obama speaking and I also have no issue with any of the protests that will occur. I do consider it an honor that the president is speaking at my school as it has been in the past when it has occurred. But I also believe in the power of free speech and the ability to speak your mind. So when Bush spoke there were protests and when Obama speaks there will be protests. It would have been nice if during his answer he would have mentioned Notre Dame at all instead of just providing his campaign spiel.

8:43 P.M.: Swine Flu Fun Fact # 47: Much like Turkey Bacon is the healthy but less tasty version of regular bacon the Turkey Flu will give you many of the same symptoms as the swine flu at a slightly higher cost but in the end you will still feel like something is missing.

8:48 P.M.: Dear God is this boring. After a full day in the office listening to an hour of policy talk is just horrendous. I hate to say this but even I can understand how American Idol would be viewed as more exciting than this. Sure, I’ll take this over another episode of According to Jim but then again I would lose a limb as opposed to have to watch that show again.

8:56 P.M.: Ok, I’m going to call it a night. Remember to drink your orange juice! And for the love of God, floss!

Wednesday Night Music Club: Ok, I must give Comcast credit for listening to my online rants and at least offering to help. That is a level of customer service I was not anticipating. In honor of that I would like to go back to the good old days when we would complain about having 57 channels and nothing on. Now it is more like two hundred but the feelings are still the same.

Bruce Springsteen MTV Music

Oscar Night 2009

7:55 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from the entertainment wing of the Battling the Current Headquarters for wall to wall coverage of Oscar Night 2009. In order to meet the criteria as an Oscar reporter I am currently wearing a tuxedo t-shirt.

7:58 P.M.: Yeah, and I’m alone again. My Oscar parties are like my Super Bowl parties and my Election parties. I always end up with a lot of beer left over. In no way do I consider that a bad thing.

7:59 P.M.: The rules are the same as always. I am watching the ABC coverage of the Oscars and I will spend the night making snarky remarks about anything and everything. Expect a great deal of wrestling related material and at least one skank reference.

8:00 P.M.: Sweet! We start with a Tim Gunn sighting! Let’s make it work. And Kate Winslet is gorgeous as always. She is one of the few actresses who has a) talent and b) looks like an actual human being.

8:03 P.M.: Oh my God, Amy Adams is just amazing. She has so shot up my favorite actress list. Sarah Jessica Parker looks to be wearing a ballerina skirt while Matthew Broderick seems to be rocking a combover. Or at least a very intensive hair care regimen to make it look as though he actually has hair. You have to feel sorry for Matthew Broderick. You know how you hate hearing about Sex and the City? Imagine if you had to hear it from Sarah Jessica Parker every day of your life.

8:09 P.M.: So Valentino is missing either a first or a last name. Either that or besides being a fashion designer he is also a Brazilian soccer player.

8:11 P.M.: Mickey Rourke is in the house. Come on, answer the challenge from Chris Jericho. What are you, a coward? On the other hand, he is mourning the passing of his dog so I will give him a pass on not agreeing to a ladder match.

8:15 P.M.: Remind me why I am supposed to care about Miley Cyrus again? Did she like cure cancer recently? So far we have had two interviews with Disney stars which is a wonderful case of corporate synergy. And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it is completely unfair that Anne Hathaway can be that talented, beautiful and be named after Shakerspeare’s wife.

8:20 P.M.: Finally, the Price Waterhouse Coopers accountants get their moment on the red carpet. Why they are forced to wear a tuxedo is besides me. I’ve always wondered why they just don’t show up in jeans and t-shirts. It’s not like they have to do anything more difficult than carry a briefcase around.

8:23 P.M.: Oh what I would give for them to pan the scene at the Oscar bar and to see Mickey Rourke and Robert Downey Jr. just going to town at the end of the bar. That or just to see a group of people swigging Old Style and Pabst.

8:30 P.M.: We are going with a cold open and a supper club feel to the entire event. Your host is Hugh Jackman (or Huge Ackman as everyone seems to pronounce it) thus making him the first superhero to host the Oscars.

8:38 P.M.: Ok, ten points to Hugh Jackman (and a big assist to Anne Hathaway) for the opening number. That was a lot of fun. I never thought that I would get to see a barbed wire wrestling ring on stage at the Oscars.

8:41 P.M.: We get a Juliette Binoche sighting during the Best Supporting Actress retrospective. That means nothing to anyone other than me, who has the movie poster from the film Blue hanging in his dining room.

8:43 P.M.: Starting early with the big awards as we start with the Best Supporting Actress. We apparently are giving full descriptions of everyone’s performance as opposed to, say, showing a clip of it. If we do this for every award I am going to be here until two in the morning. Penelope Cruz wins it for the Woody Allen film in which she makes out with Scarlett Johannsen. Let that be a lesson to those who wish to win this award in the future.

8:51 P.M.: Hey Sprint still has enough cash to advertise! I’m…I’m…I’m rather surprised by that fact. I assumed they would just collapse without me there.

8:56 P.M.: This is different. Usually the original screenplay Oscar is later in the night. Given that this is the only Oscar I am still capable of winning I wish there would be a bit more gravitas given to it. Milk wins and again no real complaints on that one. Especially given that Wall-E barely has what can be called dialogue.

9:01 P.M.: Adapted Screenplay goes to Slumdog Millionaire. Expect to hear that a lot tonight. I was cheering for Benjamin Button just because I would have liked to have seen F. Scott Fitzgerald been thanked on stage.

9:07 P.M.: What a surprise, Wall-E wins for Best Animated Feature. I so thought this was Space Chimps year. You know it is a foregone conclusion when Jack Black jokes about the inevitability of it while presenting the award. And then we hand out the animated short film to some vague French film. I would have preferred the one about bathroom love.

9:10 P.M.: Did we just get a freaking Styx shout out? Ok, that may just have been the coolest thing ever.

9:19 P.M.: Daniel Craig looks like he can snap anyone’s neck at any time. Come on Daniel, Sarah Jessica Parker is standing right there! You know you want to do it.

9:31 P.M.: Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller. My most favorite and least favorite people on the planet. Well, at least Natalie looks pretty while I sit around and watch Ben try to be funny.

9:38 P.M.: Jessica Biel is wearing one of those vaguely half finished dresses. Jessica had the honor of being the hot young starlet who hosted the Sci Tech awards. Those are the Oscars for the geeks like me. I always find it horribly unfair that they bring out a starlet for just that one night. It is like, “This is the closest you are ever going to get to someone this fabulous so we are going to hold a contest to see who can get to touch her.”

9:45 P.M.: Necro Butcher makes the Oscar telecast! And people wonder why I’ve watched wrestling all these years. It’s not because of a case of delayed psychological development and the inability to become a mature adult. It’s because I am just so far ahead of the culture curve that I have to wait years for people to understand what I find cool.

9:53 P.M.: I’m sorry but did I stumble onto the Tony Awards? I’m kind of lost as to the purpose of this tribute to musicals. What is worse is that now that I am on the East Coast this show is already going to be an hour longer than it has for the rest of my life. And this is looking like it is going to be a long show.

10:08 P.M.: In one of those certain moments, Heath Ledger wins Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight. Again, there are times in my life when I lose my snark and this is one of them. Though I will say can we add Mary Kate Olsen to the list headed by Courtney Love as people who have resulted in the loss of more art than the creation of it.

10:28 P.M.: Benjamin Button has won a surprising number of awards tonight. True, they have all been in technical categories but I had read a lot of predictions that had them winning zero awards even though it was the most nominated film of the year. It will be interesting to see if that turns into an upset on any of the big awards.

10:33 P.M.: John Mayer is in the crowd with Jennifer Aniston. You know, just if you are interested in whether they are still pretending to be dating or not.

10:35 P.M.: Here is one of the challenges of live blogging the Oscars. I feel as though I have to come up with something witty to say about the award for Best Editing. Except that it is physically impossible to come up with something witty to say about an award you don’t quite understand for a movie you haven’t seen yet. And since Will Smith just gave out the last four awards I haven’t even been able to make a joke about someone’s dress for the past fifteen minutes.

10:40 P.M.: In the Motherhood got its own TV show? Ok, back in a past life when I was doing marketing for a living I was pitched that idea and considered it dumb beyond belief. Admittedly, I was the complete opposite of the target market but I still didn’t get the purpose of having people send in real life stories to be made into short films. That has never worked no matter how many times they’ve tried.

10:44 P.M.: This year’s honorary Oscar goes to Jerry Lewis. I still have a hard time writing Oscar and Jerry Lewis in the same sentence. That is the problem with people my age. We only know of him as a parody of himself. I’m pretty certain that his style of comedy was ground breaking and if I watched it with clear eyes I would appreciate it. But I only can see it through the jokes that exist around it. But it is nice that he is honored for all of his humanitarian work. You really can’t doubt the good that he has done.

10:55 P.M.: You know, the song award just isn’t the same without Glen and Marketa. It takes all of the fun out of it. Or at least my rooting interest. Slumdog Millionaire wins both music awards which is pretty freaking amazing. Occasionally a non-English song will win but this is probably the first from a completely foreign style of music. There really is no western equivalent to Hindi music. I’ve gotten a bit of an ear for it and I like it but I can’t connect it to any of the music that I’ve listened to for my entire life.

11:11 P.M.: The annual dead person montage comes this time with a song by Queen Latifah. This still doesn’t change the fact that it is a competition to see who gets the biggest applause after they leave this world. A surprising amount of applause for Ricardo Montalban (Kahn!) and Stan Winston. Not surprisingly, Paul Newman gets the spot of honor at the end.

11:18 P.M.: Wow, that is a rather daring dress on Reese Witherspoon. It looked better from a distance than in close up. As does her eye makeup. That is the wonders of HD. I can find flaws in the look of a woman who is so beautiful she wouldn’t even take the effort to dismiss me if she saw me in public.

11:20 P.M.: Strange that we are doing director ahead of the acting awards but that has been the way this telecast has been. Danny Boyle wins for Slumdog, which is just running away with this thing. I’m going to give him props for referencing Tigger in his acceptance speech. This has been a rather odd little show. They set it up in a much less formal way than the typical Oscar telecast and I’m not sure if I like it or not. It definitely makes it interesting but we seem to get the rapid fire technical awards and less of a showing of what made the movies memorable to begin with.

11:24 P.M.: The other problem of course is that this just hasn’t been a high powered Oscar telecast. No big name films, very few big names up for awards, just a lot of low key moments.

11:26 P.M.: Best actress time and we finally explain why Sophia Loren has been in the crowd this entire time. She is flanked by Shirley Macclaine in a pantsuit for those of you who are wondering who is going to win all of the worst dressed awards tomorrow. (Also, these speeches about the nominees sound like a really bad prom court nomination ceremony. It is really sweet for the people in the theater but incredibly bizarre as a viewer sitting on his couch wrapped up in a nice blankie.) Kate Winslet finally gets her Oscar. It took them long enough to honor her.

11:37 P.M.: Best Actor time (and I thought it was Sir Anthony Hopkins along with Sir Ben Kingsley. Then again we had Seymour Philip Hoffman earlier tonight). Sean Penn beats out Mickey Rourke because the academy just does not understand the brilliant acting that is required to drive another human being through a table that is laced with barbed wire. This is a sham of a travesty of a mockery. I’ve stayed up this late and I don’t get a Mickey Rourke acceptance speech? Can I ask for a refund of my time? Or at least get a dance from Marisa Tomei just to make things even?

11:47 P.M.: And Steven Spielberg gets to send us home with Best Picture. Notice that Best Picture and Director don’t get the huge self aggrandizing speeches as the acting awards. Mainly because pictures can not talk and directors know better. And Slumdog Millionaire completes their big night. Let’s give the academy credit on this one. Talk about a film that has zero box office pull in this country. All you had was a director who was best known for a film about drug addicts a decade ago. Yet it gets the biggest award of the year. In a few years people might look back and wonder just how this film won it. I don’t think anyone will ever figure it out.

11:55 P.M.: And we close the night with images of this year’s films. In a perfect world next year’s Oscar will go to Transformers 2.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Frames “Dance the Devil…”
2) Cowboy Mouth “It Means Escape”
3) Howie Day “Live From…”
4) Victoria Williams “Loose”
5) The Subdudes “Miracle Mule”

Super Blog V

5:40 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current sports headquarters for Super Blog V! I am joined by…by…Roomberto the cleaning robot. Note to self: when adjusting the settings on household robots do not tweak the A.I. to the point where it becomes self-aware.

5:43 P.M.: Yes, it is the return of the live blog. I’ll be watching the game (alone but screw it, I had a great weekend already and nothing is going to change that) and giving my commentary on the game, the commercials and whatever else is on my mind.

5:45 P.M.: For those wondering my views and cheering interest on this game. I would really like to pull for the Cardinals due to a love for the underdog and the Chicago connection but the Steelers are a more local team, a strong franchise and I’ve, uh, been threatened by a number of Steelers fans regarding my loyalty. So go Pittsburgh but put up a good fight Arizona.

5:50 P.M.: To show how awesome my Super Bowl party is I am simultaneously doing laundry. Whee!

5:53 P.M.: For those of you not interested in watching the game I present the following alternatives. A) The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. I’ll talk about this more as I can guarantee that I will be flipping to it at some point tonight. B) To Catch a Predator marathon on MSNBC. In case you want to watch guys explain to Chris Hansen why they brought wine coolers to a 13 year olds house.

5:55 P.M.: Matt Millen picks the Cardinals. Matt Freaking Millen is allowed to be an analyst? The guy who completely destroyed the Lions franchise to the point that they did not win a single game this season? The one that resulted in having fans leading protest marches in Detroit? Not only am I now certain that the Steelers will win the game but I am very confident that Kurt Warner will be the first quarterback to spontaneously combust during the game.

5:59 P.M.: The Pennsylvania Lottery uses a very disturbing groundhog puppet as its spokesman. I can never tell if the commercials are wanting me to buy scratch off tickets or inform me that this rodent will chew out my eyeballs if I’m not careful.

6:00 P.M.: Faith Hill! Music for people who enjoy Wonder Bread.

6:09 P.M.: Taking the field to vaguely techno music are your Pittsburgh Steelers! Because when I think of steel mills I immediately think of flashing strobe lights and pounding bass. The Arizona Cardinals come out to a death metal theme. Have to give the advantages to the Cardinals on that one. It looks like we have eschewed the player introductions, which is sad because it is the only time when we actually care about where the left guard went to college.

6:14 P.M.: Correction: Walter Payton is the greatest running back in NFL history. There are no qualifiers needed. Kurt Warner starts the evening by winning a trophy, the NFL Man of the Year, and we get the first shot of his wife Brenda who no longer looks like a living troll doll like she did during the Ram years.

6:16 P.M.: The U.S. Airways crew gets to go to the game. Actually, I have no snark at all for that honor.

6:20 P.M.: Curious as to where this orchestra is hiding during the national anthem. I mean, I wouldn’t want to suggest that all of this was prerecorded several months ago.

6:22 P.M.: Ok, as someone who watched G.I. Joe every day after school I do not recall the Baroness ever looking that hot. Any film that features Snake Eyes has earned my respect.

6:25 P.M.: Time for the coin toss. I have money on heads. I’m not kidding about this. I actually have a bet with someone at work on the coin toss. This may indicate some sort of problem on my end.

6:26 P.M.: Always great that we have the entire country focused on what exactly is heads and what is tails. General Petraeus with the honors and…it is heads! Boo yah! Shoe money tonight!

6:29 P.M.: Seriously, General Petraeus has nothing better to do than toss a coin in the air? You’d think he would have a few more items on his to do list. And did we just have a sideline reporter quote F. Scott Fitzgerald? Wow, don’t see that every day.

6:32 P.M.: My fellow Illini Neil Rackers with the kick and the game is underway. Rackers even gets the tackle.

6:33 P.M.: Big gain by Hines Ward on a really well designed bootleg. One of those plays where the defense goes “Aw Christ” halfway through it. Followed by a nice gain by Willie Parker.

6:38 P.M.: Roethlisberger bootlegs it into the end zone for a touchdown. Or does he? The challenge flag is out as we go to the first commercial. Wow, what office has beer at the meetings in this economy. Followed by another film featuring Tom Hanks and bad hair.

6:42 P.M.: Ooh, huge call as the touchdown is reversed and the Steelers are forced to bring out everyone’s favorite stoner kicker: Jeff Reed. And Jeff knocks it through to give the Steelers a 3-0 lead.

6:44 P.M.: Bob Dylan for Pepsi. Sigh. I just died a little inside. Though Doritos did give us snowglobe to the groin. That was nice.

6:48 P.M.: Notre Dame alum Mike Gandy gets the first penalty of the night. Thanks Mike, way to do the University proud.

6:52 P.M.: Another Jack Black movie? Really? Do we have to go?

6:53 P.M.: After a nothing drive by the Cardinals the Steelers start out with a big play. This game has “watching the Puppy Bowl in the third quarter” written all over it.

7:01 P.M.: End of the first quarter as it has been all Steelers though they only lead 3-0. Second and goal when we start the second quarter. And I really want to meet who is clamoring for a new Fast and the Furious movie. Other than Vin Diesel, who could probably use the work.

7:08 P.M.: Touchdown Steelers! That is two straight drives down the field for Pittsburgh. Oh, and Pepsi has made a Diet Pepsi for men, which is promoted by showing just how stupid men are. I’m trying to get my head around this whole “Diet drink isn’t manly” concept. Ok, I can understand why a guy might not want to be seen relaxing with a refreshing Tab but I never realized that my typical diet soda isn’t extreme enough.

7:13 P.M.: I am intrigued by the new Star Trek movie. I’m not sure if I am in sci-fi geek freak out mode yet but I am very curious as to how it will turn out. Still, I would prefer it if every add focused on Simon Pegg as Scotty.

7:18 P.M.: Cardinals actually responding with a drive. Otherwise this could turn into a very boring game very quickly, especially given that it appears impossible for the Cardinals to run the ball. And just as I type it Arizona gets a holding penalty.

7:20 P.M.: Warner gets a ton of time and hits Anquan Boldin who gets down to the two. How the hell do you let him get so open. And then a stumbling and bumbling Warner tosses a prayer to the tight end for a touchdown. Rackers with the extra point and it is now 10-7 Steelers. We have a game of it.

7:23 P.M.: I actually liked that Cars.com commercial. Low-key, interesting and memorable. I’m not sure if subtlety is your best bet during the Super Bowl but I appreciate it. Plus, no reason to apply to Princeton unless it is for dean.

7:28 P.M.: Arizona’s defensive coordinator is named Clancy. That must make it really difficult to earn the player’s respect. “Ok everyone. Let’s all be quiet so Clancy can speak.”

7:31 P.M.: After an Arizona defensive stand Steve Breaston, a former Wolverine, breaks out a huge return. Like everyone else who grew up in the mid 80’s I can only respond, “Wolverines!”

7:41 P.M.: Arizona went nowhere but then tipped a Roethlisberger pass and get the first turnover of the day as we hit the two minute warning. And I have now been warned to not send flowers in a box or declare my desire to see a coworker naked. Good advice, now that you think about it.

7:52 P.M.: And in what will go down as the biggest play of the game: Arizona had the ball with goal to go on the two with 18 seconds left and Warner throws a pick and James Harrison runs it back 100 yards for a touchdown as time expires. So we went from possibly 14-10 Cardinals to 17-7 Steelers except now the play is being reviewed. It stands so that is just a momentum killer for the Cardinals going into the half. Now they have to sit in a room and think about this while Bruce Springsteen has a concert.

7:58 P.M.: Monsters vs. Aliens will probably be my second favorite versus movie after the classic: Kramer vs. Predator.

8:19 P.M.: As is tradition, I call my parents at halftime so I can avoid watching the halftime show. However, I did have it on mute so I did at least get to see Bruce go sliding into the cameraman. That was worth it.

8:37 P.M.: I’m confused. So an advertisement that features people driving on the moon (to House of Pain’s “Jump Around” no less0 has a notification on it stating “Professional driver on a closed course.” Does this mean that they actually flew to the moon to film this commercial? Or am I being warned to not build my own rocket and lunar excursion vehicle, fly to the moon and then drive recklessly?

8:39 P.M.: Arizona has the ball for the first drive but it just kind of goes nowhere and they punt it away. They needed to have something happen on that drive because if Pittsburgh puts together a big drive here the game is over.

8:43 P.M.: The Rock continues his solid acting career in Race to Witch Mountain. Again, there is a lot less snark in that comment than you would expect. He is really the only person I have ever seen transition from a wrestling career to a successful acting career. Hell, he is one of a handful of people who has been able to leave wrestling on his own terms and never have to look back.

8:48 P.M.: I have to mention that a few years ago that the Cardinals changed their helmets in order to give the Cardinal a bit more of a nasty smirk to it. It’s tough to try to portray a tough football attitude when your mascot is a small, rather adorable, bird. For reference my high school’s nickname was the Roadrunners. Again, it is tough to promote that macho image when your mascot is best known for running away from danger.

8:53 P.M.: Jeff Reed, who you know owns a van with a picture of the universe spray painted over it, hits the field goal to make it 20-7. But wait! Arizona roughed the holder and pretty much gave him the business thus making it first and goal for the Steelers. Add to the list of dumb penalties by the Cardinals tonight.

8:57 P.M.: Second verse, same as the first. Reed kicks a field goal to make it 20-7.

8:59 P.M.: You know, after that last commercial I begin to realize why Career Builder was slightly less than effective in my job search. Though using their site did make me want to punch a koala.

9:02 P.M.: Here is my favorite story from the entire playoffs. Kurt Warner was asked by a fan to draw a picture of God. What Kurt drew was what appeared to be a combination of Jesus and the character Duke from G.I. Joe. I don’t know the meaning of that fact but I just find it cool.

9:05 P.M.: We are through three quarters with the score Steelers 20 Cardinals 7. Not the greatest game of all time but it certainly has been interesting.

9:09 P.M.: Gandy again with the hold. Jeez, Notre Dame is even having a bad season in the Super Bowl.

9:20 P.M.: Despite the fact that cash4gold is apparently pretty much a scam I have to admit that having MC Hammer selling a gold medallion of MC Hammer wearing a gold medallion is a rather brilliant idea.

9:24 P.M.: While I thought the commercial with the electric scarecrow was good I have an issue with this whole “smart grid” concept. Understand that I’ve spent the majority of my adult life studying, designing and operating electrical grids. I still don’t quite understand what they mean by a smart grid. Everything follows the laws of physics. Not much intelligence to it.

9:26 P.M.: Larry Fitzgerald, who should be your favorite football player, catches a touchdown pass to make it 20-14 Steelers. Boy, that last second interception return is huge right now. Still, we have a game of it in the fourth quarter, which is more than most people expected.

9:32 P.M.: Good defensive stand by the Cardinals and Warner will have the ball, down six, with five and a half minutes to go. This is what they call crunch time.

9:35 P.M.: We have a Richard Dean Anderson sighting! What else could make this night better?

9:40 P.M.: Cardinals drive gets going but Gandy gets another hold call resulting in an Arizona punt. Steelers then get a roughing call but now the Steelers start on their own one. Three and a half left in the game.

9:44 P.M.: Steelers seem to make a miraculous escape from the end zone we get a holding call in the end zone resulting in a safety. 20-16 Steelers with a free kick coming up with just under three minutes to play. This one is going down to the end.

9:48 P.M.: Oh my freaking God! Fitzgerald just got wide open in the middle of the field and just outran everyone on the field. He could have gone for three hundred yards on that play. And for the first time all night the Cardinals lead the game 23 -20. You’ve read that correct folks: with just over two minutes to go in the Super Bowl that Arizona Cardinals are in the lead. Maybe it is prophetic that Cuba Gooding Jr. is in attendance.

9:57 P.M.: And with under a minute to play Santonio Holmes breaks open and brings it within the ten. This is getting rather insane.

10:01 P.M.: In just an amazing catch, Santonio Holmes does a tiptoe catch in the endzone for a touchdown. Watching it live I thought that there was no way he stayed in bounds but on replay it certainly looks like he did. Just freaking incredible. Now 27-23 Steelers and the Cardinals have thirty seconds and two timeouts to pull out the third miracle drive in a row.

10:09 P.M.: Is the game over? Did Warner fumble the ball? It’s time to go to the replay booth. If not there is one play left. Yes, it is a fumble! Steelers win the Super Bowl 27 – 23. That game was a thousand times better than it had any right being.

Thanks for joining me, congrats to all the Steeler fans and I’ll be back to normal operations tomorrow.

Best of 120 Minutes: One of the best lines anyone said to me “All I could do is leave you in Misouri”. Makes this Soul Asylum song take on a totally different meaning.

Soul Asylum MTV Music

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Drive-By Truckers “Brighter Than Creation’s Dark”
2) Rhett Miller “The Instigator”
3) Lyle Lovett and his Large Band “It’s Not Big, It’s Large”
4) Po’ Girl “Vagabond Lullabyes”
5) Sarah McLachlan “Rarities, B-Sides and Other Stuff”

Election Somewhat Live Blog

7:01 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current Election Headquarters. Join me, my giant multicolored map and….damn, I couldn’t even get Nader to show up for this one. Just me at the moment.

7:02 P.M.: So here is the gameplan. I’m going to watch all of the coverage tonight and make my comments as things progress. Part of this will be my analysis of the results and the other part will be my analysis of the analysis. I’m starting off on ABC just because I believe that the evening should begin with George Snuffalupagus.

7:04 P.M.: We already have two states called. McCain has an early 8-3 lead based on his victory in Kentucky versus Obama’s carrying both Ben and Jerry’s vote in Vermont. I’m surprised about Vermont. I assumed that the entire state was in line for the next Phish concert.

7:12 P.M.: My voting story from this morning. I was there at 7:15 in the morning with the polls having opened at seven. Waited in line for about 45 minutes with the bottleneck being the registration desk. Once I picked up my registration card (with no issues related to my move out there) I went to the electronic machine where, for some reason, the election official had to announce that “[Insert name here] is now voting.” It made the whole event have this strange debutante’s ball feel to it.

No problems with the machine and sadly there were no judicial races or ballot amendments that I could have fun with. Every election I look forward to voting against judges just because I don’t like their name. I was tempted to vote Socialist Worker once again as it allows me to a) say I voted and b) feel no guilt about it.

I will say this. There was a very interesting vibe to the entire event. I live in a predominantly African-American precinct and the sense of pride in the room was palatable. Everyone stood in line without complaining just happy to have the opportunity to voice our opinion. No issues, just a lot of people calmly making their way with a sense of history in the air. Very cool.

7:36 P.M.: Given that we don’t actually have results yet we are forced to have the classic election shots of a) people standing in line to vote, b) people setting up victory parties and c) random crowd shots of Times Square for no reason other than it is across the street from the studio. Ten points to the guy who weaseled his way next to the ABC reporter just to unfold an “Investigate 9/11” banner.

7:48 P.M.: George Will has broken out his bow tie for tonight’s event. Always remember the rule surrounding bow tie wearing. Old men wearing bow ties: liberal. Young men wearing bow ties: Incredibly conservative. True, George Will breaks this rule but for the most part it is true.

7:51 P.M.: South Carolina goes for McCain. Or, to put it another way, the Cocks go for McCain. Yes, expect numerous Beavis and Butthead jokes tonight.

7:58 P.M.: Obama picks up a whole bunch of states. Illinois, Massachusetts, New Jersey , New Hampshire…and others. Sorry if this has gotten a little disjointed as I am on the phone with a slightly distraught McCain supporter at the moment.

8:22 P.M.: It is rather difficult to be on the phone, write and watch tv at the same time.

9:34 P.M.: And I’m back. Did I miss anything?

9:35 P.M.: Ok, I should explain things. As I said last night I was going to watch the results alone but was more than willing to talk to anyone who wanted to share this moment with me. I had a taker and as a result I’ve only had the television on mute as we’ve discussed the results and life in general. I’ll try to catch up in about five minutes.

Delaware goes for Obama: This marks the fourth time in five elections that the candidate that I have voted for has won the state I am in. (For the record, this is also my third state in three presidential elections.)

Illinois goes for Obama without even needing Mayor Daley to raise the dead to vote this year.

West Virginia goes to McCain after a surprising wait. McCain’s strong support of the coonskin cap industry puts him over the top here.

South Dakota also goes to McCain thus answering the question, “Do people in South Dakota actually vote?”

Kansas goes for McCain, thus explaining why I was forced to move halfway across the country.

John Kerry has won his senate race. Good for him. It would be nice for him to win a race for once.

Pennsylvania was given to Obama as soon as the polls closed. This is the first sign that Obama is in command as without this state McCain has to really win out. The fact that it was called so early means that it wasn’t very close.

Ohio also goes to Obama and that might clinch it. With Ohio all Obama would need to win are the states Kerry won and he would win the election.

I also apparently will now owe someone drinks if Obama wins. This will be the first step in the “sharing the wealth” strategy employed by Obama.

9:46 P.M.: Gov. Polenszy from Minnesota is now talking on ABC. If he was the republican veep campaign I think it would have been a much tougher race. That would have had people like me rethinking their votes. The scenes from the McCain victory party is looking less than joyful right now.

9:54 P.M.: For those wondering, my favorite news story of the day has been that they wouldn’t allow voters to cast their ballot in the nude in Florida. Apparently they are residents of a nudist colony in a district and were longing to cast the vote wearing what the good lord gave them. If there is one thing this country stands for, it is the right to have your bits flapping around as you decide the future of the nation.

9:56 P.M.: I’m switching to the Daily Show to get their take.

9:57 P.M.: Iowa goes to Obama. That goes with New Mexico and New Hampshire as states that have turned blue this cycle. Now if only the democrats could win New Texas and New Florida and I could call it an early night.

10:05 P.M.: Daily Show was surprisingly not very funny for the first statement so I’ve switched to CNN only to be confronted by James Carville who always looks as though he is about to devour my soul. Or beam me back to his home planet, one of the two.

10:15 P.M.: NBC has just started their election coverage after having spent the past two hours showing The Biggest Loser.

10:16 P.M.: Best name of the election: Winner of the Georgia senate race Saxby Chambliss. I admire anyone who can go through life with a name like Saxby and not decide to change it.

10:25 P.M.: On the plus side, McCain has already outperformed Mondale and McGovern in terms of performance. That said, so did I in this election but it is definitely something to be proud of.

10:39 P.M.: I’ve switched over to PBS so I have less pithy comments about the coverage as I am actually intent on following what is going on. Virginia was just called for Obama and that would really cinch it. We could get a victory speech in the next hour or so once California closes.

10:41 P.M.: I also would like to say hi to a number of my friends who are at the Obama rally in Grant Park right now. I really wish I was there at the moment. Must be one hell of a night on the lakefront.

11:00 P.M.: And that is ballgame. California and the rest of the west is declared for Obama and we have something even I never thought I would get to see. I had always thought that sometime in my lifetime I would get to see an African American president but it was always in more of a theoretical sense. I never really anticipated it to happen and certainly not this soon, just forty years removed from the civil rights movement. It is an amazing moment.

11:02 P.M.: It also means that we can reclaim our country and our constitution. That is the most important factor for me. I yearn for a country ruled by justice again. It does give you a sense of wonder at the nature of this place where we can do this peacefully. No tanks in the streets required.

11:11 P.M.: I’m going to call it a night from a writing perspective. Sorry for the lack of updates but life occasionally gets in the way. More analysis tomorrow as I stay up to watch the speeches and put together all of my thoughts.

Let's Play the Feud!

9:05 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current election headquarters for the third and final debate between John McCain and Barrack Obama. Joining me tonight is Republican spokesman Stuffed Dilbert Doll, Democrat spokesman Snake Eyes Action Figure and Green Party spokesman Ralph Nader.

9:06 P.M.: I’m not kidding, for twenty bucks and a veggie burger I got Ralph Nader to come over to my apartment and watch the debate and try to persuade me to waste my vote. He even brought beer. Not good beer, mind you, and I really don’t need to be told that my hops have not been genetically altered, but beer nonetheless.

9:08 P.M.: As always here is the drill. I will watch the debate and write down my witty remarks as they come to me. Barring that I will just start making fun of people in the crowd. And yes, I’m doing this on a slight tape delay as my workout went a little long but given that I completed a Level 9 hill climb on the treadmill I really don’t care.

9:10 P.M.: The goals for the two candidates tonight. Obama: Don’t screw up. McCain: Fix the economy and make George Bush likable in ninety minutes. Hofstra gets to host the debate. This is the biggest event at Hofstra since…since…that awesome kegger in 1993?

9:14 P.M.: The rules are simple. One fall to a finish. This is thunderdome. Two men enter. One man leaves.

9:16 P.M.: I’d really like to know what McCain is writing down on his yellow legal pad. Schieffer has barely started talking and he is scribbling away. Also, I need to say something about Nancy Reagan and since she was mentioned here is my chance. It is sad that she fractured her pelvis in a fall but did you hear that it took her four days to go to the hospital for it? That is toughness.

9:17 P.M.: Shoot, I just lost a bet. Obama is wearing a red tie. Democrats always wear a blue tie. I thought it was a law or something. McCain is in blue. Apparently we are in bizaro world tonight.

9:21 P.M.: Well I was just lectured on a plumber’s business plan. Apparently the entire U.S. economy is based around a guy named Joe. He’s received more airtime tonight than most senatorial candidates. And to be honest I don’t care about a guy named Joe. Though it is nice that Obama said he is willing to pay more taxes.

9:28 P.M.: Someone should tell Obama that education helping the young drive us into the 21st century when we are already in 2008. Technically this is the 21st century. And McCain just lost Iowa by saying that he opposes ethanol tarrifs. Also, if McCain knows how to cut spending why has he kept it a secret?

9:30 P.M.: For those wondering, that planetarium projector in Chicago is for the Adler Planetarium, one of the premier museums in the city and therefore the country. So it is not like we spent three million on some junior college somewhere. It’s part of the museum campus for crying out loud.

9:35 P.M.: The fact that Fox News is used as a reference for a laugh line is a sad statement on the state of the press. It’s correct but sad nonetheless.

9:38 P.M.: Interesting to note that McCain hasn’t denied any of the negative remarks that were stated in his campaign ads. That said neither did Obama and any time one uses the phrase “100% of your ads have been negative” you know they are wrong. Obama is missing on some points here.

9:42 P.M.: Again with Joe the Plumber! Snake Eyes: What is your opinion on this new front?

9:43 P.M.:

9:44 P.M.: Maybe hiring Snake Eyes as a spokesman wasn’t the wisest move.

9:46 P.M.: So in nine minutes of discussing negative campaigns all we did was have both candidates launch negative attacks on each other. We might as well have had Texas Death Match rules instituted.

9:52 P.M.: Ooh, a running mate question. This is going to be good. Hopefully we get some good Palin jokes out of this. Or at least a few more references to the hellhole that is Scranton.

9:54 P.M.: Uh, no, we don’t know Sarah Palin. You need to do interviews for people to know who you are. I still can’t figure out how being an outsider qualifies you to be vice-president. That implies that any random person taken off the street could be made veep with no issues.

9:58 P.M.: Personally I would like to have questions on climate control. Given the work that Cobra has done in that regard (after the successful completion of the Serpentor project) I believe that is an important topic to explore.

10:02 P.M.: Even though the economy is absolutely crap it is nice to have both candidates talking about energy policy when you work in the energy industry. True, I have to wait until after the election to figure out what direction we are going in but at least either way business should be good.

10:09 P.M.: Just once I would like to see a candidate when asked about health care to answer “I will make placebos free for all! Every single American will receive placebos to ease their pain!” That will solve half our problems right there.

10:10 P.M.: Ah, McCain just took the “Kids today are just too fat” tact. Because the problem with the health care system is laziness. And please, for the love of God, can we stop talking about Joe the Plumber? I’m about to go to Ohio to find this guy and kick his ass.

10:15 P.M.: Question (funk dat): In what world does someone who makes more than $250K a year not rich? If you were able to buy your own company wouldn’t that imply that you are rather well off. I’m pretty confident that Joe is an arrogant prick.

10:27 P.M.: Yeah, I’ll just quiet on the whole abortion issue. Some things simply can’t be discussed without causing major arguments even when you don’t mean to.

10:29 P.M.: You know, if you made it a decent paying gig I might think about becoming a math teacher. It wouldn’t be that challenging a life and I’d get to go home at three in the afternoon. Wait, put away the video games? I’m not sure if I can support a candidate who is anti Grand Theft Auto.

10:42 P.M.: And that is it. I would call it another tie, maybe a little leaning to McCain. Oh, and after seeing a picture of Joe the Plumber I take back my threat to beat him up. He seems like a pretty tough guy. I still think this election is Obama’s and the democrats to lose. Not that that is out of the field of possibilities. We are talking about the democrats here. Anyway, time to catch up with my tape of Project Runway.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Technically this should be part of Best of 120 Minutes but there just isn’t enough Blake Babies music in this world. I need this at the end of the day.