This week marks a very interesting anniversary for me. It was a year ago this week that I spent my first days as someone gainfully unemployed. Yes, as amazing as it sounds it was a year ago last Friday that I said goodbye to the Sprint campus for the last time, gladly accepted my separation package and moved on with my life. Have to say it has been a rather amazing year.
I do miss being unemployed especially given that I was being paid to do so. One of the things that I’ve learned is that my body clock really doesn’t correspond well to that of a typical office environment and it was so incredibly nice to just wake up whenever I felt like it and stay up until I was too tired to do anything else. It was so nice to just make up my own schedule and live by it. That doesn’t even factor in the thrill of walking to a coffee shop in the middle of the day just because you have nothing else to do and have decided to go outside.
It is strange that I did not accomplish more while I wasn’t working but I had reasons. I did make progress on writing a novel (somewhere around 12,000 words written, some of which is actually worth keeping) but I fell off the pace as my life went into another direction. I also did not achieve my goal of watching every Star Wars film in order in one sitting or completing a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle single handedly. I still plan on doing both of those tasks even if neither of them are goals that you should admit to in polite company.
But even with that I still did exactly what I wanted to do with my time off. I needed to get away from everything for a while and just focus on myself. After years spent in cubicles it was nice to just have time on my hands. My life became much more interesting, I met more people and I began to realize just what I wanted out of life. Sure, work was nice but it was not what made me who I am.
I’ll also admit that I benefitted from some wonderful timing, personal flexibility and unbelievable luck. As opposed to a lot of the people who left Sprint with me I wasn’t tied to Kansas City. I could move wherever I wanted to (though I still don’t understand how with all of those options I ended up in Delaware). I also got out before the entire market collapsed and companies were still hiring. But luckiest of all I still kept my skill set in the energy business up to date and was able to go back to my old field being hired just as my severance ran out. You couldn’t time it better.
I love my new job but I do miss that ability to do whatever I want. I never had those years in your early twenties where you spend a year travelling the country finding yourself. I started working a month after I graduated (which I did in the four year minimum). I needed to go on a walkabout; a mental one at the least. I’m still trying to find that right balance where I can hit my career goals while staying true to myself and what I find important. Maybe that is the next big challenge of my life.
I really can’t believe that a year has gone by already. I had no idea that I would be here now but I know that if it wasn’t for what I accomplished in those few months I would not be at the point in my life that I am right now. And given that I have spent the past few months smiling every day thinking about just how lucky I am just shows that I made one of the best decisions of my life last year.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I’m going with a rather rare Damien Rice track tonight. Always worth a listen.
Showing posts with label The Big Decision. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Big Decision. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The Die is Cast
(And a 20 sided die at that)
Well, it is now official. I have accepted a new job. For those who are wondering about the specifics I have taken a job at [company name redacted] as a Transmission Specialist. No, that does not mean that I have become a mechanic though I will admit that it is one of the least impressive job titles that I have come across (and this is from someone who was once officially a General Engineer.) What it means is that I will be focused on analyzing the U.S. Transmission Grid and discovering the choke points and limitations and using that knowledge to benefit the energy trading team. This is similar to what I was doing in my past engineering life except that now instead of looking at the limitations and trying to fix them I will be trying to make money from them.
This is really what I went to business school to do. I left engineering for the finance with the intention of returning to the energy industry in a position where I could combine my engineering and finance experience. I just happened to go to school when the energy industry imploded (thanks Enron) and I had to change course which led me to find myself in Kansas City. But right now is probably the best time to get back into the energy sector. It is one of the few parts of the U.S. economy that is growing and with Obama and McCain both talking about their energy policies it certainly looks to be a huge growth area in the future. Whether we go nuclear or renewable there will certainly be transmission issues and that is where I will be.
I’m not taking an engineering position though. I’m pretty intent on not returning to that field at the moment. Yes I will be doing engineering work but the focus will be on a financial (and hopefully strategic) perspective. That just seems to be the best mesh of my skills at the moment. It is easier for me to work as a finance person who understands engineering than as an engineer who knows finance. Or at least companies would definitely prefer the former.
I know that a few people are at least a little disappointed that I did not try for a more creative career choice given that it seemed like I was on that path. I’m a little bummed about that and especially the fact that surfing the internet and understanding pop culture will no longer be part of my job. The thing is there really isn’t anything in my background that gives employers the indication that I would be talented at that role. I’m an electrical engineer / financial guru; nothing on my resume screams creative genius. I’m certainly not going to let that side of me go to waste. I see myself putting much more focus into my writing and blogging in my free time and really trying to turn that into its own little career after I move.
Yes, I will be moving. The job is in suburban Philadelphia though I’m not quite sure where I am going to live at the moment. Right now the leading candidates are downtown Philly where I would have to deal with hour long commutes or Wilmington, Delaware where I would have a much shorter commute but would have to deal with, well, living in Delaware. True, visiting a screen door factory is a wonderful thing but there just is this weird vibe that you get when you say you live in Delaware. I did spend the weekend in Wilmington and the place had a nice vibe and I could definitely find a space there that will fit me. No matter where I go I will have the same challenge: moving to a place where I know no one and have no network around me. That will be one hell of a challenge but I’m ready for it.
There will be something rather soothing about turning 35 and starting off with a completely clean slate. New job, new city, everything unknown. Scary but soothing.
This was a really tough decision to make. I never anticipated that it would be this difficult. If you had told me six months or a year ago about this opportunity I would have jumped at it. But the past few months made me realize just how much I liked Kansas City and the people that I have met here. After five years you tend to put down some roots even if you don’t try to and I’m going to be sad to say goodbye for the moment to all the friends that I have made here (with one in particular who made me really think about my future.) But I really do consider it a goodbye for the moment. I won’t disappear, everyone that I am friends with now will remain my friends and I’m sure I’ll find a reason to come back to KC now and again.
I don’t have a timetable at the moment as to when everything is going to happen. Technically everything is dependent on my background check so knock on wood everything will be fine there. Then I’ll need to find a place and move across the country and start my new life. Which is pretty amazing and I kind of want to end with the following story.
As most people know I am one of five kids and I was the one that everyone protected. I was just a really sensitive kid, way too smart for my age, and I didn’t grow into my body until I was in my thirties. Everyone watched out for me and made sure that I wasn’t picked on and to be honest, I really appreciated it. But what I find really interesting is that I am the one in my family who will readily take on the unknown. I’m once again moving to a completely unknown town. I’ve traveled to Europe by myself. I’ve taken off to go to weddings in Mexico with a printout of directions and nothing else. I’m not fearless and my anxiety gets the better of me more than I would like but I will still step into the unknown. I’m really proud of that aspect of my personality. I know that I will be successful. I always am.
Well, it is now official. I have accepted a new job. For those who are wondering about the specifics I have taken a job at [company name redacted] as a Transmission Specialist. No, that does not mean that I have become a mechanic though I will admit that it is one of the least impressive job titles that I have come across (and this is from someone who was once officially a General Engineer.) What it means is that I will be focused on analyzing the U.S. Transmission Grid and discovering the choke points and limitations and using that knowledge to benefit the energy trading team. This is similar to what I was doing in my past engineering life except that now instead of looking at the limitations and trying to fix them I will be trying to make money from them.
This is really what I went to business school to do. I left engineering for the finance with the intention of returning to the energy industry in a position where I could combine my engineering and finance experience. I just happened to go to school when the energy industry imploded (thanks Enron) and I had to change course which led me to find myself in Kansas City. But right now is probably the best time to get back into the energy sector. It is one of the few parts of the U.S. economy that is growing and with Obama and McCain both talking about their energy policies it certainly looks to be a huge growth area in the future. Whether we go nuclear or renewable there will certainly be transmission issues and that is where I will be.
I’m not taking an engineering position though. I’m pretty intent on not returning to that field at the moment. Yes I will be doing engineering work but the focus will be on a financial (and hopefully strategic) perspective. That just seems to be the best mesh of my skills at the moment. It is easier for me to work as a finance person who understands engineering than as an engineer who knows finance. Or at least companies would definitely prefer the former.
I know that a few people are at least a little disappointed that I did not try for a more creative career choice given that it seemed like I was on that path. I’m a little bummed about that and especially the fact that surfing the internet and understanding pop culture will no longer be part of my job. The thing is there really isn’t anything in my background that gives employers the indication that I would be talented at that role. I’m an electrical engineer / financial guru; nothing on my resume screams creative genius. I’m certainly not going to let that side of me go to waste. I see myself putting much more focus into my writing and blogging in my free time and really trying to turn that into its own little career after I move.
Yes, I will be moving. The job is in suburban Philadelphia though I’m not quite sure where I am going to live at the moment. Right now the leading candidates are downtown Philly where I would have to deal with hour long commutes or Wilmington, Delaware where I would have a much shorter commute but would have to deal with, well, living in Delaware. True, visiting a screen door factory is a wonderful thing but there just is this weird vibe that you get when you say you live in Delaware. I did spend the weekend in Wilmington and the place had a nice vibe and I could definitely find a space there that will fit me. No matter where I go I will have the same challenge: moving to a place where I know no one and have no network around me. That will be one hell of a challenge but I’m ready for it.
There will be something rather soothing about turning 35 and starting off with a completely clean slate. New job, new city, everything unknown. Scary but soothing.
This was a really tough decision to make. I never anticipated that it would be this difficult. If you had told me six months or a year ago about this opportunity I would have jumped at it. But the past few months made me realize just how much I liked Kansas City and the people that I have met here. After five years you tend to put down some roots even if you don’t try to and I’m going to be sad to say goodbye for the moment to all the friends that I have made here (with one in particular who made me really think about my future.) But I really do consider it a goodbye for the moment. I won’t disappear, everyone that I am friends with now will remain my friends and I’m sure I’ll find a reason to come back to KC now and again.
I don’t have a timetable at the moment as to when everything is going to happen. Technically everything is dependent on my background check so knock on wood everything will be fine there. Then I’ll need to find a place and move across the country and start my new life. Which is pretty amazing and I kind of want to end with the following story.
As most people know I am one of five kids and I was the one that everyone protected. I was just a really sensitive kid, way too smart for my age, and I didn’t grow into my body until I was in my thirties. Everyone watched out for me and made sure that I wasn’t picked on and to be honest, I really appreciated it. But what I find really interesting is that I am the one in my family who will readily take on the unknown. I’m once again moving to a completely unknown town. I’ve traveled to Europe by myself. I’ve taken off to go to weddings in Mexico with a printout of directions and nothing else. I’m not fearless and my anxiety gets the better of me more than I would like but I will still step into the unknown. I’m really proud of that aspect of my personality. I know that I will be successful. I always am.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Could use a talking pie...
Job Search Update: I now have my offer in writing, which means that I can discuss it without as much fear of jinxing it. Of course, I am unsure as to whether the potential employer is aware of this blog so I’ll still have to keep things a little vague at the moment. Here is the big point about the job. The office is in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania. For those who have no idea where that is (which I assume is pretty much everyone) that is roughly 43 miles (or an hour commute) from Philadelphia and 13 miles (or a 30 minute commute) from lovely Wilmington, Delaware. If I happen to have any blog readers from that area please feel free to let me know what you think of the area. I’m at a bit of a loss myself.
Though after seeing the ad for the following I am beginning to wonder why I am not heading out to Hollywood to make my living as a screenwriter. Yes, in a few weeks we will have a new number one film in America with “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2”. They made a sequel to the original. That is one of the most insane things I have ever even comprehended. Not only did Hollywood decide to make a film about a magical pair of jeans that improves the lives of four very different but yet oh so similar teenage females but it was decided that a two hour feature was not enough time to fully tell the story of Merlin’s denim. If that sells in Hollywood I know that I could crank out a few scripts in a weekend that could be made.
(I also saw an ad for Starship Troopers 3, available on DVD this week. Given that I don’t recall Starship Troopers 2 (and barely remember Starship Troopers 1) I really do not have high hopes for that flick.)
I hate to admit it but today has been a bit of a blah day for me. When I am back working for a living I am going to look at days like today and wonder just what the hell I was doing. Sure, sleeping in and just lounging on the couch is nice and all but I could be a little more productive with my time off. I guess I am still just trying to adjust to the fact that my time in this part of the country might be over and I will soon be packing up and moving to a new corner of the world. That is not exactly an easy thing for me to deal with and apparently my default coping mechanism is to lie on the couch and hope that everything fixes itself while I’m not looking. Surprisingly, this is how I deal with every breakup as well. Strange, isn’t it?
I’m guessing that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I just think I need to get to sleep at a regular hour and then get up, have breakfast and make an effort to have a regular day. I think I have had a combination of very late nights and too much time spent in my own head the past few days. Once I break that habit and make a decision on my future things will begin to move in the right direction. Or at least I will have a timetable to work from. Having dates on a calendar that I will have to deal with will be of great help.
Though after seeing the ad for the following I am beginning to wonder why I am not heading out to Hollywood to make my living as a screenwriter. Yes, in a few weeks we will have a new number one film in America with “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2”. They made a sequel to the original. That is one of the most insane things I have ever even comprehended. Not only did Hollywood decide to make a film about a magical pair of jeans that improves the lives of four very different but yet oh so similar teenage females but it was decided that a two hour feature was not enough time to fully tell the story of Merlin’s denim. If that sells in Hollywood I know that I could crank out a few scripts in a weekend that could be made.
(I also saw an ad for Starship Troopers 3, available on DVD this week. Given that I don’t recall Starship Troopers 2 (and barely remember Starship Troopers 1) I really do not have high hopes for that flick.)
I hate to admit it but today has been a bit of a blah day for me. When I am back working for a living I am going to look at days like today and wonder just what the hell I was doing. Sure, sleeping in and just lounging on the couch is nice and all but I could be a little more productive with my time off. I guess I am still just trying to adjust to the fact that my time in this part of the country might be over and I will soon be packing up and moving to a new corner of the world. That is not exactly an easy thing for me to deal with and apparently my default coping mechanism is to lie on the couch and hope that everything fixes itself while I’m not looking. Surprisingly, this is how I deal with every breakup as well. Strange, isn’t it?
I’m guessing that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I just think I need to get to sleep at a regular hour and then get up, have breakfast and make an effort to have a regular day. I think I have had a combination of very late nights and too much time spent in my own head the past few days. Once I break that habit and make a decision on my future things will begin to move in the right direction. Or at least I will have a timetable to work from. Having dates on a calendar that I will have to deal with will be of great help.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Facing the unknown
I’ve been in a very strange mood these past few days. I guess it is understandable. I have a very big decision weighing on my mind and my emotions are going to suffer as a result. I have gone from happy and joyous when I first received the job offer to now being a bit apprehensive and, to be honest, scared.
It has nothing to do with the job itself. The position is actually the one that I went to business school for. When I started school and they had me write out what I wanted to do once I graduated it matched precisely what I have been offered a chance to do. I never really intended to work in the mobile industry or live in Kansas City. Events beyond my control conspired to move me out of energy and I just kind of ended up here. Pretty much every aspect of the job offer meets or exceeds my goals.
So what is really bothering me? I’d have to move to a city where I know no one and that is more than a little scary. Now I know that I have spent a lot of time, including the entire history of the blog, making fun of Kansas City but I have finally gathered a network of great friends in this town. Leaving them behind would be extremely difficult. It really has been only in the past few months that I’ve noticed how amazing the people I have around me really are. I know that leaving might be the right decision and that most likely my dreams are not waiting for me in this town but it still will be a bit of a challenge. But ever since I said I was leaving my job I knew that moving was on the table.
I just think that this weekend it dawned on me the magnitude of moving to a new place. I would literally know no one and not even have an understanding of the street layout. It would be a complete clean slate for me. On one hand this would be an amazing opportunity. I could relaunch myself as an entirely new person and remove the qualities that I dislike about myself. Sometimes a fresh start is what you need. But knowing there will be lonely nights ahead, times when I do not have a friend to turn to, is scary. I have friends around the world to turn to and they are unbelievable. It is just sometimes you wish you had someone who you could call up and have coffee with on a moments notice.
I know that these fears are common. It is stepping into the unknown and losing my usual routine, which really bothers my obsessive personality. But maybe by facing these fears I’ll become the person that I want to be. Maybe by starting the second half of my thirties with a blank page in front of me is exactly what I need to do. It will be a challenge and an adventure but I still feel that I have at least one grand adventure left in me. This might be the one to take.
I still haven’t made a decision yet. I actually don’t even have a written offer yet (details are still pending). But I am pondering. Things will be moving quick soon.
Best of 120 Minutes: “Someone tell me why I act like a fool when things don’t go my way.” This is easily my favorite Guided by Voices song. It is incredibly simple and relatively short. That is what I love about music; you don’t need to do something epic in order to succeed. Sometimes a simple three minute song is all you need.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Reconstruction”
2) Ryan Adams “Gold”
3) Freakwater “Old Paint”
4) Old 97s “Alive and Wired”
5) The Subdudes “Street Symphony”
It has nothing to do with the job itself. The position is actually the one that I went to business school for. When I started school and they had me write out what I wanted to do once I graduated it matched precisely what I have been offered a chance to do. I never really intended to work in the mobile industry or live in Kansas City. Events beyond my control conspired to move me out of energy and I just kind of ended up here. Pretty much every aspect of the job offer meets or exceeds my goals.
So what is really bothering me? I’d have to move to a city where I know no one and that is more than a little scary. Now I know that I have spent a lot of time, including the entire history of the blog, making fun of Kansas City but I have finally gathered a network of great friends in this town. Leaving them behind would be extremely difficult. It really has been only in the past few months that I’ve noticed how amazing the people I have around me really are. I know that leaving might be the right decision and that most likely my dreams are not waiting for me in this town but it still will be a bit of a challenge. But ever since I said I was leaving my job I knew that moving was on the table.
I just think that this weekend it dawned on me the magnitude of moving to a new place. I would literally know no one and not even have an understanding of the street layout. It would be a complete clean slate for me. On one hand this would be an amazing opportunity. I could relaunch myself as an entirely new person and remove the qualities that I dislike about myself. Sometimes a fresh start is what you need. But knowing there will be lonely nights ahead, times when I do not have a friend to turn to, is scary. I have friends around the world to turn to and they are unbelievable. It is just sometimes you wish you had someone who you could call up and have coffee with on a moments notice.
I know that these fears are common. It is stepping into the unknown and losing my usual routine, which really bothers my obsessive personality. But maybe by facing these fears I’ll become the person that I want to be. Maybe by starting the second half of my thirties with a blank page in front of me is exactly what I need to do. It will be a challenge and an adventure but I still feel that I have at least one grand adventure left in me. This might be the one to take.
I still haven’t made a decision yet. I actually don’t even have a written offer yet (details are still pending). But I am pondering. Things will be moving quick soon.
Best of 120 Minutes: “Someone tell me why I act like a fool when things don’t go my way.” This is easily my favorite Guided by Voices song. It is incredibly simple and relatively short. That is what I love about music; you don’t need to do something epic in order to succeed. Sometimes a simple three minute song is all you need.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Reconstruction”
2) Ryan Adams “Gold”
3) Freakwater “Old Paint”
4) Old 97s “Alive and Wired”
5) The Subdudes “Street Symphony”
Sunday, June 01, 2008
The Second Half
Best of 120 Minutes: Let’s start off the week with something up tempo, shall we. Here is a classic from The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, a band that actually did not go down in history as being best known for their appearance in a Converse commercial. Personally, I like any band that has one guy whose job is to simply dance on stage. Doesn’t sing, doesn’t play an instrument, they don’t even hand him a tambourine. Just wear a suit and dance on stage. Awesome.
Well, I’ve reached the midpoint of my severance period and hopefully the midpoint of my unemployment. Can’t say for certain that that is the case but I would hope to be working again in the near future. I’m still confident that I will find something especially now that it will become my primary daily focus. But before I start talking about my job search plans I think I should spend some time discussing what I have learned over these past few months.
I’ve learned that without a daily work schedule the concept of days of the week begins to fall apart. I wished someone a happy Friday last week and realized that it really wasn’t any different than any other day of the week for me. I couldn’t even count the trivia game as unique as I do that three times a week. Every day becomes pretty much indistinguishable from the next outside of television schedules and thanks to a DVR even that is rather flexible. I think that adds to the fact that I somehow lost a week or two in May, apparently. I know where they went (and I certainly enjoyed them) but they still seemed to disappear from the calendar on me.
I’ve also learned that a job doesn’t mean nearly as much to my personal satisfaction as I thought it did. Everyone who knows me understands that I am a very achievement oriented person. I do want to be the best at what I do and I always assumed that I needed the structure of school or a job in order to feed that desire. Someplace where I could keep score and know what I have accomplished. But I think I have flourished since I’ve removed myself from that environment.
My stress levels are down greatly since I’ve just removed myself from that pressure of needing to succeed at every moment of the day. I’m nowhere near as obsessive compulsive as I have been in the past (and just wait until I am one day confident enough to share those stories). I’m happier than I have been in ages and even though things have gone pear shaped around me I have been able to keep my head about me and stay in the positive. My life isn’t perfect and I’m still the same flawed individual that I always have been but I’m much more settled into my own skin at the moment.
I don’t know where I will be nine weeks from now. Don’t know if I’ll have a job or who it will be with or even where it might possibly be. And I know that I will soon be back to the grind of getting up before seven, putting on the button down shirt and making my way to a cubicle five days a week. All I hope is that I don’t lose this feeling that I have inside me right now. I’m confident. I’m satisfied. I know who I am and I am pleased with that knowledge. It’s taken me so long to reach this point, longer than I ever expected, and I don’t want to give it up just yet.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Numbers or letters
The comments on my last post were pretty interesting. Mainly they hit upon what really is one of the biggest challenges that I have had to deal with my entire life, which is the fact that what I am passionate for doesn’t match up with my natural skills.
I do have a natural affinity for numbers. I am just a born and bred quant guy. As a kid not only did I run simulations of sports seasons but I kept detailed statistical records. I can look at numbers on a page or a screen and understand how they all interact and what they mean. I can’t explain how or why that is. It really is just how my brain is wired. Numbers and logic just make sense to me.
But that doesn’t mean that it is something I am passionate. True, I do enjoy working with numbers but not if it is just working for working’s sake. That’s why I’m not an accountant. I would get to spend all day with spreadsheets and debits and credits and numbers in columns summing up to predictable totals but I can do that for about a week before I get bored silly. It’s too repetitive and too uncreative. I prefer to work with numbers where there is some creativity involved in how to use them and interpret them with the focus more on the back end. Which is where the big difficulty arises.
See, at my heart I view myself as a very creative person. I’d prefer to be a writer or a historian, some field where coming up with new ways to explain something is the key. While writing the blog is essentially a cheap form of therapy writing in general is one of my favorite pastimes. Not much can beat the high you get when you write something amazing and realize that no one has ever written this before. That’s only matched by having someone read your work and tell you that it touched them.
So why don’t I just become a writer? It’s a very tough question for me to address. I do think I have the natural talent to be one. My grammar is worse than it should be but that is more because of the fact that I don’t edit or proofread than anything. In terms of creativity and the ability to turn a phrase I think I can stand on my own. There are just two problems that I face. The first is that the amount of dedication required to truly be a writer is daunting. It is not just a few hours in a coffee shop. It is a full time job spent staring at a screen wondering if what you are doing makes any sense at all. The other problem is that even if I am talented and even if I dedicate myself fully to being a writer and give it every ounce of determination that I have in my body there is no guarantee that I will be successful. I’m not talking Stephen King successful. I’m talking getting someone I don’t know to pay me for something I wrote.
And that sadly is an issue in my mind with what I am going to do next. I mentioned this to Foodie today but I really do think it is true. One of the reasons that I have been successful in my life is that I don’t put myself in positions where I can fail. I know that I can do numbers so I take number related jobs that I could perform in my sleep or hungover or possibly both. Writing isn’t one of those professions. I might love it, it might give my life meaning, but I just don’t know if I can have success at it.
Maybe that is really shallow thinking on my part. That I’ll put aside my personal happiness just so I can have a few symbols of exterior success. It’s even odder given that most people know that money really isn’t a driving factor for me. I’d much rather know that I am making a beneficial impact on the world than be rich. I’d just like to be well off. I know that it is going to be difficult, if not impossible, to find an inspiring, life-affirming job that pays well. Doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try.
I’m never going to stop writing. I’ll always be looking for a way to make this a bigger and bigger part of my life. I have so many stories to tell and I have a view of the world that I think is important to make known. I can’t be a lead singer or a director or a painter but I can write. It might not be what I call my career but it will always be a part of my life. That is probably more important.
Best of 120 Minutes: Found this on YouTube and thought that since The Cure are playing in town tomorrow night I might as well post Dinosaur Jr. covering The Cure. It’s slightly less goth, which is a good thing.
I do have a natural affinity for numbers. I am just a born and bred quant guy. As a kid not only did I run simulations of sports seasons but I kept detailed statistical records. I can look at numbers on a page or a screen and understand how they all interact and what they mean. I can’t explain how or why that is. It really is just how my brain is wired. Numbers and logic just make sense to me.
But that doesn’t mean that it is something I am passionate. True, I do enjoy working with numbers but not if it is just working for working’s sake. That’s why I’m not an accountant. I would get to spend all day with spreadsheets and debits and credits and numbers in columns summing up to predictable totals but I can do that for about a week before I get bored silly. It’s too repetitive and too uncreative. I prefer to work with numbers where there is some creativity involved in how to use them and interpret them with the focus more on the back end. Which is where the big difficulty arises.
See, at my heart I view myself as a very creative person. I’d prefer to be a writer or a historian, some field where coming up with new ways to explain something is the key. While writing the blog is essentially a cheap form of therapy writing in general is one of my favorite pastimes. Not much can beat the high you get when you write something amazing and realize that no one has ever written this before. That’s only matched by having someone read your work and tell you that it touched them.
So why don’t I just become a writer? It’s a very tough question for me to address. I do think I have the natural talent to be one. My grammar is worse than it should be but that is more because of the fact that I don’t edit or proofread than anything. In terms of creativity and the ability to turn a phrase I think I can stand on my own. There are just two problems that I face. The first is that the amount of dedication required to truly be a writer is daunting. It is not just a few hours in a coffee shop. It is a full time job spent staring at a screen wondering if what you are doing makes any sense at all. The other problem is that even if I am talented and even if I dedicate myself fully to being a writer and give it every ounce of determination that I have in my body there is no guarantee that I will be successful. I’m not talking Stephen King successful. I’m talking getting someone I don’t know to pay me for something I wrote.
And that sadly is an issue in my mind with what I am going to do next. I mentioned this to Foodie today but I really do think it is true. One of the reasons that I have been successful in my life is that I don’t put myself in positions where I can fail. I know that I can do numbers so I take number related jobs that I could perform in my sleep or hungover or possibly both. Writing isn’t one of those professions. I might love it, it might give my life meaning, but I just don’t know if I can have success at it.
Maybe that is really shallow thinking on my part. That I’ll put aside my personal happiness just so I can have a few symbols of exterior success. It’s even odder given that most people know that money really isn’t a driving factor for me. I’d much rather know that I am making a beneficial impact on the world than be rich. I’d just like to be well off. I know that it is going to be difficult, if not impossible, to find an inspiring, life-affirming job that pays well. Doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try.
I’m never going to stop writing. I’ll always be looking for a way to make this a bigger and bigger part of my life. I have so many stories to tell and I have a view of the world that I think is important to make known. I can’t be a lead singer or a director or a painter but I can write. It might not be what I call my career but it will always be a part of my life. That is probably more important.
Best of 120 Minutes: Found this on YouTube and thought that since The Cure are playing in town tomorrow night I might as well post Dinosaur Jr. covering The Cure. It’s slightly less goth, which is a good thing.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
What might the future hold...
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I should do for a living. Obviously this is a big question for me as everyone continually asks what I plan on doing next. I was granted a few blissful weeks where saying “I don’t know” was a valid answer but now that reply just makes me look lazy. I’m in my mid-30’s; I should have figured this out by now. The thing is I don’t think I ever had it figured out in the first place.
My becoming an electrical engineer was as much a result of my being insanely practical when I was sixteen than anything. As I told someone today I was one of those people who was forty when they were sixteen. No rebellious spirit, just a focus on doing the job and making a career. I’ll never claim that I was naturally an electrical engineer. Sure, there were parts of the field that excited me but it was never my biggest interest. I’d much rather study history or English. Those two fields were my passions. But I happen to have this innate talent for math and science and I knew that I could go to college and four years later have a nice job by being a EE. There was not a doubt in my mind that I would be successful and it all went according to plan.
But I’m not sure if that made me happy. I did luck into the one part of electrical engineering that I truly enjoyed. I can’t explain it but I did get quite a thrill out of figuring out how the electrical grid worked and being able to predict what would flow on each line. I still got burnt out on it but it was at least enjoyable. When that happened I decided to go to business school in order to further my career. Again, no doubt in my mind that I would succeed.
So I accomplished that task as well and moved on to the world of finance. I’ve show some talent there as well but I saw that when I was stuck in more of an accounting role I got bored and needed more freedom. Marketing gave me that freedom but I still was never just handed the ball and allowed to run wild. Hence, my leaving the company to pursue momentary gainful unemployment.
None of this answers the question of what I want to do next. I still don’t know if I have an answer. Yes, I would like to try my hand at being a writer but I still don’t know if I have the courage to do so. Writing is my passion and my dream and I still fear being told that I am just a hack at it. It’s why I didn’t become an English major and even as an adult I don’t know if my ego could take that big of a hit. I can do finance in my sleep or go back to engineering but I don’t know if any of that will make me happy. Those would just be jobs. I’d get my paycheck and then
focus on my real life. That’s not naturally bad but it isn’t my goal.
I just want to find a job where I feel inspired every day. Where I feel that I am making a difference. Where I can use my myriad of skills as the numbers guy who understands culture and customers to become incredibly successful. There has to be something out there for a guy like me. I guess I just have to find it.
This all would have been much easier if my lifelong dream had been to be a fireman.
My becoming an electrical engineer was as much a result of my being insanely practical when I was sixteen than anything. As I told someone today I was one of those people who was forty when they were sixteen. No rebellious spirit, just a focus on doing the job and making a career. I’ll never claim that I was naturally an electrical engineer. Sure, there were parts of the field that excited me but it was never my biggest interest. I’d much rather study history or English. Those two fields were my passions. But I happen to have this innate talent for math and science and I knew that I could go to college and four years later have a nice job by being a EE. There was not a doubt in my mind that I would be successful and it all went according to plan.
But I’m not sure if that made me happy. I did luck into the one part of electrical engineering that I truly enjoyed. I can’t explain it but I did get quite a thrill out of figuring out how the electrical grid worked and being able to predict what would flow on each line. I still got burnt out on it but it was at least enjoyable. When that happened I decided to go to business school in order to further my career. Again, no doubt in my mind that I would succeed.
So I accomplished that task as well and moved on to the world of finance. I’ve show some talent there as well but I saw that when I was stuck in more of an accounting role I got bored and needed more freedom. Marketing gave me that freedom but I still was never just handed the ball and allowed to run wild. Hence, my leaving the company to pursue momentary gainful unemployment.
None of this answers the question of what I want to do next. I still don’t know if I have an answer. Yes, I would like to try my hand at being a writer but I still don’t know if I have the courage to do so. Writing is my passion and my dream and I still fear being told that I am just a hack at it. It’s why I didn’t become an English major and even as an adult I don’t know if my ego could take that big of a hit. I can do finance in my sleep or go back to engineering but I don’t know if any of that will make me happy. Those would just be jobs. I’d get my paycheck and then
focus on my real life. That’s not naturally bad but it isn’t my goal.
I just want to find a job where I feel inspired every day. Where I feel that I am making a difference. Where I can use my myriad of skills as the numbers guy who understands culture and customers to become incredibly successful. There has to be something out there for a guy like me. I guess I just have to find it.
This all would have been much easier if my lifelong dream had been to be a fireman.
Friday, April 11, 2008
An airport terminal and a blank ticket
About five years ago, the last time when I embarked on a momentary vagabond lifestyle, a friend called me in the middle of the night and we had the following conversation.
Friend: “So how is Kansas City?”
EC (still trying to wake up): “I’m not in Kansas City.”
Friend: “So where are you?”
EC (looking blankly around the room): “Good question. Where the hell am I?”
I really meant it. I had spent the past several weeks bouncing around the country and was never in the same city for more than two days. In my stupor I woke up without being able to name what state I was in and it took a while to realize that I was crashing at my parents’ house for the time being. I was that far out of it. Even though I know where I am physically right now, hanging out in the home office in front of a Snoopy calendar, I’ve been thinking about the question recently in the metaphorical sense. Once again, I find myself with no idea where the hell I am.
For some reason I’ve recently started to refer to myself as being 35 even though I still have five months to go before I hit that milestone. It just sounds better. It shows that I am in my mid-thirties and that a mid-life crisis is perfectly reasonable especially given the way that I live. But while I don’t consider myself to be in a mid-life crisis just yet (haven’t bought the sports car, dyed my hair blonde or paid the 22 year old to be my girlfriend) I am a bit adrift in my life right now. So I’m hoping that writing about it will help.
I’ve been not working for two weeks now, the longest period of time I have had off since finishing grad school and prior to that only a few trips to Europe kept me out of the office for that long. Strangely, and I have to admit frighteningly, over the past two weeks I have done absolutely nothing in an attempt to find a new job. Now I am still being paid so it’s not like I’m running the risk of being homeless soon but I have simply had no desire to send out resumes. My brain just wants to rest and I kind of want to enjoy the moments that I am currently having.
I didn’t really expect this. I always assumed that I would immediately be going through job hunt checklists and filling out spreadsheets worth of data in order to obtain the perfect job. Except that I have realized that I don’t know what the perfect job for me is any more. Though most people didn’t understand it I didn’t attend business school (and I certainly didn’t leave it) with the intention of being the high flying corporate hot shot. There was something about that lifestyle that always left me cold. It’s too political, too smarmy, too unconnected with the actual business to appeal to me. I went to school to change careers and to find some fun new adventures for me. They would pay well and my photographic memory and ability to add quickly would insure my success but I didn’t have many aspirations beyond that.
That leaves me where I am right now, which is wondering what my next goal is. I don’t know if I want to make one last charge up the corporate ladder. If I don’t like 60 hour weeks now I doubt they will become more fulfilling as I get older. My ability to handle idiots has not improved as much as I would have liked. But more than anything I don’t want to work in a job where I feel like I need to take a shower when I leave any more. I want to do something that actually has meaning. Maybe it is working for a clean energy startup or finally breaking down and working for a non-profit like I had always promised. I just want those 8 to 10 hours of my day to have the meaning that they have been missing in recent years. I’m just wondering how to find it.
The other big realization that has been hitting me is that it is rather silly to hope to have your job provide you with all of your fulfillment. It’s important or otherwise I’ve just wasted everyone’s time for a few paragraphs and I apologize for that but it’s not the entire story. Since I’ve had some time away from the pressure of the office and the drab cubicles and what was a rather oppressive atmosphere I keep on finding parts of myself that I actually enjoy again. I’m having a blast getting to sit down and write for a change. I’m amazed that people want to read this much less tell me that I have actually talent. Writing has always been one of my secret passions; one that I kind of doubted most people would ever notice. Now I’m wondering if I can really have a go at this.
Being away from the office has let me be myself for once and I’ve forgotten how nice a feeling that can be. I no longer have to wear a mask in order to protect myself from some far off performance review. I can just be me and since I am floating out here with minimal attachments I have reached that wonderful point of not caring. I can hang out with friends and not worry about what might happen next. Whatever happens will happen and I’ll make the best of it. I’m no longer freaking over every word, every inflection, every action that might change someone’s opinion of me. I’m just stepping out there as myself, warts and all. (Ok, no warts. How about glasses, slight beer belly and all? That’s more accurate.) And you know what? I’m meeting people and having a lot more fun now than I have had in years. Makes me wonder what would have happened if I said screw it years ago.
I still have no idea where I am in life or where I am going. I think every part of my life from job to profession to location to the big overhanging question of my life is up for grabs right now. For the moment I’ve decided to see where the current takes me. I’ve battled it for long enough; I could use a little rest.
Friend: “So how is Kansas City?”
EC (still trying to wake up): “I’m not in Kansas City.”
Friend: “So where are you?”
EC (looking blankly around the room): “Good question. Where the hell am I?”
I really meant it. I had spent the past several weeks bouncing around the country and was never in the same city for more than two days. In my stupor I woke up without being able to name what state I was in and it took a while to realize that I was crashing at my parents’ house for the time being. I was that far out of it. Even though I know where I am physically right now, hanging out in the home office in front of a Snoopy calendar, I’ve been thinking about the question recently in the metaphorical sense. Once again, I find myself with no idea where the hell I am.
For some reason I’ve recently started to refer to myself as being 35 even though I still have five months to go before I hit that milestone. It just sounds better. It shows that I am in my mid-thirties and that a mid-life crisis is perfectly reasonable especially given the way that I live. But while I don’t consider myself to be in a mid-life crisis just yet (haven’t bought the sports car, dyed my hair blonde or paid the 22 year old to be my girlfriend) I am a bit adrift in my life right now. So I’m hoping that writing about it will help.
I’ve been not working for two weeks now, the longest period of time I have had off since finishing grad school and prior to that only a few trips to Europe kept me out of the office for that long. Strangely, and I have to admit frighteningly, over the past two weeks I have done absolutely nothing in an attempt to find a new job. Now I am still being paid so it’s not like I’m running the risk of being homeless soon but I have simply had no desire to send out resumes. My brain just wants to rest and I kind of want to enjoy the moments that I am currently having.
I didn’t really expect this. I always assumed that I would immediately be going through job hunt checklists and filling out spreadsheets worth of data in order to obtain the perfect job. Except that I have realized that I don’t know what the perfect job for me is any more. Though most people didn’t understand it I didn’t attend business school (and I certainly didn’t leave it) with the intention of being the high flying corporate hot shot. There was something about that lifestyle that always left me cold. It’s too political, too smarmy, too unconnected with the actual business to appeal to me. I went to school to change careers and to find some fun new adventures for me. They would pay well and my photographic memory and ability to add quickly would insure my success but I didn’t have many aspirations beyond that.
That leaves me where I am right now, which is wondering what my next goal is. I don’t know if I want to make one last charge up the corporate ladder. If I don’t like 60 hour weeks now I doubt they will become more fulfilling as I get older. My ability to handle idiots has not improved as much as I would have liked. But more than anything I don’t want to work in a job where I feel like I need to take a shower when I leave any more. I want to do something that actually has meaning. Maybe it is working for a clean energy startup or finally breaking down and working for a non-profit like I had always promised. I just want those 8 to 10 hours of my day to have the meaning that they have been missing in recent years. I’m just wondering how to find it.
The other big realization that has been hitting me is that it is rather silly to hope to have your job provide you with all of your fulfillment. It’s important or otherwise I’ve just wasted everyone’s time for a few paragraphs and I apologize for that but it’s not the entire story. Since I’ve had some time away from the pressure of the office and the drab cubicles and what was a rather oppressive atmosphere I keep on finding parts of myself that I actually enjoy again. I’m having a blast getting to sit down and write for a change. I’m amazed that people want to read this much less tell me that I have actually talent. Writing has always been one of my secret passions; one that I kind of doubted most people would ever notice. Now I’m wondering if I can really have a go at this.
Being away from the office has let me be myself for once and I’ve forgotten how nice a feeling that can be. I no longer have to wear a mask in order to protect myself from some far off performance review. I can just be me and since I am floating out here with minimal attachments I have reached that wonderful point of not caring. I can hang out with friends and not worry about what might happen next. Whatever happens will happen and I’ll make the best of it. I’m no longer freaking over every word, every inflection, every action that might change someone’s opinion of me. I’m just stepping out there as myself, warts and all. (Ok, no warts. How about glasses, slight beer belly and all? That’s more accurate.) And you know what? I’m meeting people and having a lot more fun now than I have had in years. Makes me wonder what would have happened if I said screw it years ago.
I still have no idea where I am in life or where I am going. I think every part of my life from job to profession to location to the big overhanging question of my life is up for grabs right now. For the moment I’ve decided to see where the current takes me. I’ve battled it for long enough; I could use a little rest.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning
Realized that I forgot a few regrets last night. Here they are so Foodie, uh, be careful while reading these.
I wish that I would have done the following once they installed all of the motion sensitive equipment. That morning I wanted to just say “sink activate”, “soap activate”, “towels activate” loudly and clearly every time I used them. I am convinced that within two days I would have had the entire floor thinking that they were voice activated and I would have had untold enjoyment watching people yell at a paper towel dispenser.
I never hurdled the badge reader even though I thought about that every time I went through one. Just see if I could jump over it without setting off the alarm. True, the swarm of segways would be upon me as a result but I’m confident that I could elude them through effective use of staircases.
Despite what some people believe, I never did hack into the underground parking garage. I did figure out how to do it, though. If I didn’t believe that I had to use my power for good and not evil I would have a lot more fun. Plus, evil has much better fashion sense than I do.
Always wanted to introduce myself on a conference call as Optimus Prime. What? It’s a perfectly common name.
Finally, I always wanted to come in late one Sunday night and go from conference room to conference room writing on each consecutive white board the opening chapter of A Tale of Two Cities. Someone has to make Mondays interesting.
(On Sunday I’ll probably write about the moment when I realized that I needed to leave my job. I’d write it tonight but there is a possibility that it would result in my being the first person to be fired on his last day on the job.)
(Time to switch gears here)
I keep in my bedroom something my mom gave me when I left ComEd to go to Notre Dame. It is a picture of one of my favorite places on the planet: the Cliffs of Moher on the coast of Ireland. For those who don’t know about them, this is an area in the southwest of Ireland in which the island simply stops and it is a 700 foot drop to the ocean. I’ve stood there and looked out and it is simply ocean for as far as you can see. It is literally the end of the world. If you went west you wouldn’t hit land until North America. Under this picture is the following saying
“May you seek your dreams and find adventure but always know that you can come home.”
I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot recently. When I went off to Notre Dame it truly was a case of my seeking my dreams. I just went head long into a challenge that I had no idea if I could handle. I was attending business school without having anything but a standard business background. I was a techie who had spent the past five years building mathematical models of the electrical grid of the eastern U.S. I didn’t know anything about marketing or accounting but I pursued a dream and grabbed the brass ring. At least for a moment.
So tomorrow afternoon I will find myself in that same position. All that is in front of me is ocean and sky. Land is out there somewhere, I’m pretty sure of it. I have some people who have agreed to help me in the journey and a few others may join in along the way. Don’t know quite where the journey will take me or if the winds will always be favorable but it is time for me to chart the new course. Off to capture my dreams and live one more adventure. Let’s see what the voyage might bring.
I wish that I would have done the following once they installed all of the motion sensitive equipment. That morning I wanted to just say “sink activate”, “soap activate”, “towels activate” loudly and clearly every time I used them. I am convinced that within two days I would have had the entire floor thinking that they were voice activated and I would have had untold enjoyment watching people yell at a paper towel dispenser.
I never hurdled the badge reader even though I thought about that every time I went through one. Just see if I could jump over it without setting off the alarm. True, the swarm of segways would be upon me as a result but I’m confident that I could elude them through effective use of staircases.
Despite what some people believe, I never did hack into the underground parking garage. I did figure out how to do it, though. If I didn’t believe that I had to use my power for good and not evil I would have a lot more fun. Plus, evil has much better fashion sense than I do.
Always wanted to introduce myself on a conference call as Optimus Prime. What? It’s a perfectly common name.
Finally, I always wanted to come in late one Sunday night and go from conference room to conference room writing on each consecutive white board the opening chapter of A Tale of Two Cities. Someone has to make Mondays interesting.
(On Sunday I’ll probably write about the moment when I realized that I needed to leave my job. I’d write it tonight but there is a possibility that it would result in my being the first person to be fired on his last day on the job.)
(Time to switch gears here)
I keep in my bedroom something my mom gave me when I left ComEd to go to Notre Dame. It is a picture of one of my favorite places on the planet: the Cliffs of Moher on the coast of Ireland. For those who don’t know about them, this is an area in the southwest of Ireland in which the island simply stops and it is a 700 foot drop to the ocean. I’ve stood there and looked out and it is simply ocean for as far as you can see. It is literally the end of the world. If you went west you wouldn’t hit land until North America. Under this picture is the following saying
“May you seek your dreams and find adventure but always know that you can come home.”
I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot recently. When I went off to Notre Dame it truly was a case of my seeking my dreams. I just went head long into a challenge that I had no idea if I could handle. I was attending business school without having anything but a standard business background. I was a techie who had spent the past five years building mathematical models of the electrical grid of the eastern U.S. I didn’t know anything about marketing or accounting but I pursued a dream and grabbed the brass ring. At least for a moment.
So tomorrow afternoon I will find myself in that same position. All that is in front of me is ocean and sky. Land is out there somewhere, I’m pretty sure of it. I have some people who have agreed to help me in the journey and a few others may join in along the way. Don’t know quite where the journey will take me or if the winds will always be favorable but it is time for me to chart the new course. Off to capture my dreams and live one more adventure. Let’s see what the voyage might bring.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Regrets? I have a few. But as they say, enough to make a blog post.
(Since I am going to be listing the blog in my going away email tomorrow I might as welcome all of the people who clicked on the link to finally view my blog. Hi, here’s what you’ve been missing. Stay awhile.)
As my career at the rather large phone company winds down I feel that it is time for me to reflect on my five years here. I know, I’ve always kept the rule of never talking about work but it’s the end of the road. There are some things I need to talk about. Specifically, there are many things that I regret doing or not doing. So in an attempt to cleanse my soul here is what I would do differently if I had the chance.
I’d take a ride on one of the security guard’s segways. It’s not like they are going to catch me. I’d be on a segway. I wouldn’t wear the helmet though. Why look like a dork when you’re already on a segway?
I still wish I had gone through with my protest on dress code enforcement by doing the following. One week I would start wearing a tie to the office. A few days later I would add in a sport coat. I’d follow that up with a three piece suit, immaculately tailored of course. If that didn’t get me sent to HR I was prepared to come to work in a top hat and tails, complete with white gloves and a cane. I’d break out a monocle but I think then most people would just think I was dressed as the Planters Peanut.
Staying on the dress code front, I still can’t believe I never got in trouble for changing for concerts in the office. Especially when I worked in the headquarters building on the same floor as the top executives. I’d walk around in jeans and a CBGBs t-shirt and no one ever questioned it for a second. That said, it might explain my lack of promotions.
Oh, and I regret never getting a cubicle with a window. Someday I will achieve my dream of being able to tell if it is raining or not without having to walk fifty feet.
I never did get my personal parking space. I did once ask the head of the real estate department about this once. I’m not kidding. I was in a big meeting with her and someone asked if there were any questions and I raised my hand and requested my own space. Somehow that didn’t go over nearly as well as I expected.
I wish I would have stood up for myself more. I probably should have walked out of the room when early in my career someone took all the work that I had done for the past two weeks and said “this is meaningless.” Especially because I had just proven that I was doing a better job than the consultants he hired. It probably wouldn’t have done my career any favors but it would have felt really, really good.
I also would have liked to just once receive an explanation as to why the food in the cafeteria was so expensive. The best answer I ever received was that it was priced “to keep people on campus and productive”.
I never got to the point where I put on the Decaf coffee pot a note reading: “An orange lid indicates decaf. Please do not fill this pot with four packets of caffeinated coffee. Some of us poor souls are under doctor’s order to give up caffeine unless we want to hear the words “heart” and “explode” in the same sentence. Please have pity on us. It is not an enjoyable existence.”
That said I should have just taken the pot to my desk every day. Once I leave I doubt that pot will ever be used again.
I wish I hadn’t let the job get me down so much. Sometimes the politics and the drama of the place just got me down so much that all I wanted to do was put on my headphones and ignore everything except the numbers that were in front of me. As a result I turned into a person even I don’t like hanging out with and I missed out on some really cool people in the process. That is a mistake I will not make again.
Oh, and I always wanted someone to ask me just what I was listening to on my headphones. What’s the point of wearing headphones if no one asks what you are listening to? Other than getting to avoid listening to a woman a few cubes down talk about her hernia.
But most of all, I regret never wearing the red clown nose to work. Sometimes I feel that what the company misses most is some unexpected levity. No one would have expected it from me either. The simplest things can sometimes be the most interesting.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Because I am just about to head off to his show here is Mike Doughty’s “27 Jennifers”. He is the guy from Soul Coughing and is just awesome. Gen X lives, if just for one more night.
As my career at the rather large phone company winds down I feel that it is time for me to reflect on my five years here. I know, I’ve always kept the rule of never talking about work but it’s the end of the road. There are some things I need to talk about. Specifically, there are many things that I regret doing or not doing. So in an attempt to cleanse my soul here is what I would do differently if I had the chance.
I’d take a ride on one of the security guard’s segways. It’s not like they are going to catch me. I’d be on a segway. I wouldn’t wear the helmet though. Why look like a dork when you’re already on a segway?
I still wish I had gone through with my protest on dress code enforcement by doing the following. One week I would start wearing a tie to the office. A few days later I would add in a sport coat. I’d follow that up with a three piece suit, immaculately tailored of course. If that didn’t get me sent to HR I was prepared to come to work in a top hat and tails, complete with white gloves and a cane. I’d break out a monocle but I think then most people would just think I was dressed as the Planters Peanut.
Staying on the dress code front, I still can’t believe I never got in trouble for changing for concerts in the office. Especially when I worked in the headquarters building on the same floor as the top executives. I’d walk around in jeans and a CBGBs t-shirt and no one ever questioned it for a second. That said, it might explain my lack of promotions.
Oh, and I regret never getting a cubicle with a window. Someday I will achieve my dream of being able to tell if it is raining or not without having to walk fifty feet.
I never did get my personal parking space. I did once ask the head of the real estate department about this once. I’m not kidding. I was in a big meeting with her and someone asked if there were any questions and I raised my hand and requested my own space. Somehow that didn’t go over nearly as well as I expected.
I wish I would have stood up for myself more. I probably should have walked out of the room when early in my career someone took all the work that I had done for the past two weeks and said “this is meaningless.” Especially because I had just proven that I was doing a better job than the consultants he hired. It probably wouldn’t have done my career any favors but it would have felt really, really good.
I also would have liked to just once receive an explanation as to why the food in the cafeteria was so expensive. The best answer I ever received was that it was priced “to keep people on campus and productive”.
I never got to the point where I put on the Decaf coffee pot a note reading: “An orange lid indicates decaf. Please do not fill this pot with four packets of caffeinated coffee. Some of us poor souls are under doctor’s order to give up caffeine unless we want to hear the words “heart” and “explode” in the same sentence. Please have pity on us. It is not an enjoyable existence.”
That said I should have just taken the pot to my desk every day. Once I leave I doubt that pot will ever be used again.
I wish I hadn’t let the job get me down so much. Sometimes the politics and the drama of the place just got me down so much that all I wanted to do was put on my headphones and ignore everything except the numbers that were in front of me. As a result I turned into a person even I don’t like hanging out with and I missed out on some really cool people in the process. That is a mistake I will not make again.
Oh, and I always wanted someone to ask me just what I was listening to on my headphones. What’s the point of wearing headphones if no one asks what you are listening to? Other than getting to avoid listening to a woman a few cubes down talk about her hernia.
But most of all, I regret never wearing the red clown nose to work. Sometimes I feel that what the company misses most is some unexpected levity. No one would have expected it from me either. The simplest things can sometimes be the most interesting.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Because I am just about to head off to his show here is Mike Doughty’s “27 Jennifers”. He is the guy from Soul Coughing and is just awesome. Gen X lives, if just for one more night.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Though I'd prefer four desert island discs and the woman of my dreams...
As the strains of Uncle Tupelo’s “Anodyne” close out the annual March 16-20 celebration I’ll take some time to answer a few more questions that have come my way.
Question: Ok, so we can guess that Uncle Tupelo’s “Anodyne” is one of your five desert island discs. What are the other four?
Answer: Always a good question. I could listen to Anodyne forever (though I want the two bonus tracks and would beg and plead for Sandusky to be included from March 16-20, 1992. That is the one track I listen to when I need to recenter myself.) I’ve finally broken down and chosen R.E.M.’s “Reckoning” over “Murmur”. Murmur is a better album and so indecipherable that it would make the time go by quicker but I just enjoy listening to “Reckoning” a lot more. It’s not even a good album; it’s just fun to listen to. Add in Beth Orton’s “Comfort of Strangers” and The Frames “Set List” for two discs that just make me artistic and jubilant, respectively.
The last one? Kelly Willis “What I Deserve”. The title track still puts a chill down my spine every time I hear Kelly sing “I don’t believe that I will be saved.” There was a year or two of my life where the only thing that got me through the day was listening to this disc. I honestly wouldn’t know what I would have done without it. I’ll close out No Depression week with Kelly and yes, for those people who are my “friend” on Facebook this is the woman with her arm around me in my profile photo. What can I say? Sometimes I totally rule.
Question: How are you reacting to being down to your last week in the office?
Answer: Pretty well I think. At my going away happy hour people actually commented on the fact that I was smiling which I hate to say has not been one of my standard emotions recently. I should probably try to clear that one up. Maybe the best way to say it is that the past year or so at work has really worn me out mentally and as a result the punk rock kid in me was unleashed more often than not. It made me anti-social and I regret that that was the case. But I’m in a better head space now and boy do I appreciate it.
But it is still weird sitting around going this is really it. Just one more set of weekly reports to go, a few processes to document and hand off and then it is hand in my badge and saunter out the door. I’m not sure if it will really hit me until I pack up the cubicle and take down my Dilbert cartoons. I’ve had these cartoons up since I was in college and when they move it really tells me that this part of my life will be over.
Question: Any ideas on what the next phase of your life is going to be?
Answer: I still have absolutely no clue. I’m kind of viewing this as my sabbatical. Take some time off to decompress and reassess my life and how I’m leading it. I hate to say that I’m having a mid-life crisis because I’m only 34 and the doctors tend to give me a clean bill of health. But I really am not sure what I want to do with myself. Whatever my next step is, I really want it to be the right one.
Question: So are you going to go ahead and write your book already?
Answer: Yes, I might as well make the official announcement. April will mark the official start of my first book “Tawdry Amusements at Reasonable Prices” (or at Hourly Rates, I haven’t decided which is funnier). This will be a combination of the best of the blog (rewritten and cleaned up as need be), older pieces that have never left my laptop, and new material that was never meant for the blog. It’ll be the usual combination of humor and pop culture and reflections on my life. I’m still not sure what shape it will take but I’m confident that there are 60,000 words out there in some order that I can use.
Question: But what about the novel? Isn’t your dream to write a novel?
Answer: It is and I will, most likely as part of National Novel Writers Month in November. “Until We Say Goodbye” has to be written but it is such a good story that I would hate to screw it up by just rushing into it. I need to outline and plan and do all of those things and I just haven’t done that yet. Depending on how my life goes I might get started on it earlier but right now I think I can do the story collection in a month or two. I even have an editor (God bless her soul) who volunteered to proofread my manuscript.
Question: Isn’t she the same person who threatened to stop reading your emails until you learned the difference between there, they’re and their?
Answer: Yes it is. I’m kind of dreading the first edit. I’m expecting my laptop to throw up an error message saying “Cannot show that many shades of red at once.”
Question: So any posts to look forward to in your last week?
Answer: Yes. The “things I regret not doing at my job” is going to be pretty epic. Even I’m looking forward to it.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Question: Ok, so we can guess that Uncle Tupelo’s “Anodyne” is one of your five desert island discs. What are the other four?
Answer: Always a good question. I could listen to Anodyne forever (though I want the two bonus tracks and would beg and plead for Sandusky to be included from March 16-20, 1992. That is the one track I listen to when I need to recenter myself.) I’ve finally broken down and chosen R.E.M.’s “Reckoning” over “Murmur”. Murmur is a better album and so indecipherable that it would make the time go by quicker but I just enjoy listening to “Reckoning” a lot more. It’s not even a good album; it’s just fun to listen to. Add in Beth Orton’s “Comfort of Strangers” and The Frames “Set List” for two discs that just make me artistic and jubilant, respectively.
The last one? Kelly Willis “What I Deserve”. The title track still puts a chill down my spine every time I hear Kelly sing “I don’t believe that I will be saved.” There was a year or two of my life where the only thing that got me through the day was listening to this disc. I honestly wouldn’t know what I would have done without it. I’ll close out No Depression week with Kelly and yes, for those people who are my “friend” on Facebook this is the woman with her arm around me in my profile photo. What can I say? Sometimes I totally rule.
Question: How are you reacting to being down to your last week in the office?
Answer: Pretty well I think. At my going away happy hour people actually commented on the fact that I was smiling which I hate to say has not been one of my standard emotions recently. I should probably try to clear that one up. Maybe the best way to say it is that the past year or so at work has really worn me out mentally and as a result the punk rock kid in me was unleashed more often than not. It made me anti-social and I regret that that was the case. But I’m in a better head space now and boy do I appreciate it.
But it is still weird sitting around going this is really it. Just one more set of weekly reports to go, a few processes to document and hand off and then it is hand in my badge and saunter out the door. I’m not sure if it will really hit me until I pack up the cubicle and take down my Dilbert cartoons. I’ve had these cartoons up since I was in college and when they move it really tells me that this part of my life will be over.
Question: Any ideas on what the next phase of your life is going to be?
Answer: I still have absolutely no clue. I’m kind of viewing this as my sabbatical. Take some time off to decompress and reassess my life and how I’m leading it. I hate to say that I’m having a mid-life crisis because I’m only 34 and the doctors tend to give me a clean bill of health. But I really am not sure what I want to do with myself. Whatever my next step is, I really want it to be the right one.
Question: So are you going to go ahead and write your book already?
Answer: Yes, I might as well make the official announcement. April will mark the official start of my first book “Tawdry Amusements at Reasonable Prices” (or at Hourly Rates, I haven’t decided which is funnier). This will be a combination of the best of the blog (rewritten and cleaned up as need be), older pieces that have never left my laptop, and new material that was never meant for the blog. It’ll be the usual combination of humor and pop culture and reflections on my life. I’m still not sure what shape it will take but I’m confident that there are 60,000 words out there in some order that I can use.
Question: But what about the novel? Isn’t your dream to write a novel?
Answer: It is and I will, most likely as part of National Novel Writers Month in November. “Until We Say Goodbye” has to be written but it is such a good story that I would hate to screw it up by just rushing into it. I need to outline and plan and do all of those things and I just haven’t done that yet. Depending on how my life goes I might get started on it earlier but right now I think I can do the story collection in a month or two. I even have an editor (God bless her soul) who volunteered to proofread my manuscript.
Question: Isn’t she the same person who threatened to stop reading your emails until you learned the difference between there, they’re and their?
Answer: Yes it is. I’m kind of dreading the first edit. I’m expecting my laptop to throw up an error message saying “Cannot show that many shades of red at once.”
Question: So any posts to look forward to in your last week?
Answer: Yes. The “things I regret not doing at my job” is going to be pretty epic. Even I’m looking forward to it.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
A monologue in dialogue form
Think I’ll finish the week with a little Q and A. It’s not quite the Infrequently Asked Questions but some things just work better as a dialogue.
Q: So you really are leaving your job?
A: Yep, my last day is March 28th.
Q: Feel like changing your mind right about now?
A: Not really. I applied for the separation package with the caveat that I could change my mind if I found that I had apparently no value on the job market. Since I’ve had interviews and people emailing me to ask if I was interested in a position I feel that I should be able to get a job somewhere in this world.
Q: True but weren’t some of those emails woefully misguided?
A: Yeah, I’m not quite sure why people want to hire me as a speech therapist. Apparently according to one job engine I have a strong background in the health care industry. Now I admit that my resume is often schizophrenic and there are parts of my past that are cloudy even to me but I don’t ever recall working in the health care industry. I’m an experienced customer of it but I’ve never provided any service.
Q: So I guess given this and the earnings announcement you’re happy with your decision?
A: That certainly helped me to conclude that I’m making the right decision. Seeing the company reduced to junk bond status really hurts me given that I spent over a year of my life working to improve our credit ratings. The place is in for a long haul for rebuilding and while I see the possibilities of a turnaround it’s not the right place for me right now.
Q: Everything is rainbows and unicorns for you then, huh?
A: Of course not. I’m pretty much scared to death right now. I realized a few days ago that on March 31 I will wake up not knowing what I am going to do with my life next for the first time ever. I graduated college with a job in hand, left my first job and went directly to grad school, and left grad school with a job. I’ve never not been working. I’m not sure how I am going to handle it.
Q: Wait, I thought you said your last day was the 28th. Why would this realization only come to you on the 31st?
A: Partly because it’s a Monday and partly because I have a feeling that that is going to be a very interesting weekend.
Q: How are you going to handle all of this free time then?
A: I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I’ve come up with a schedule that should work. I’ll spend three to four hours a day working on finding a job (sending out resumes, networking, researching, interviewing and the like). I’ll work out every day, maybe finally earn my Deadspin commenter privileges and spend some time on their blog, and get a lot of writing done.
Q: So upon leaving a job where you spent all day looking at a computer you are going to then spend all your time looking at a computer?
A: Yes but now it will be a pants optional working environment.
Q: Do you think we really needed to have that image implanted in our minds?
A: The alternative was a joke that included the phrase “only a thong and a smile.”
Q: Moving on, what are you going to write?
A: That’s one that I want to ask the people who read this. Given that I feel that I have one major writing project in me and this is the best opportunity I may ever have to write 60,000 words in one fell swoop I want to know what people would like to read. I assume that everyone who reads this is my audience for this (and this would actually be a self-published enterprise that I’ll foot the bill for). Would you rather see me write a novel (romantic comedy in the vein of High Fidelity) or would you rather have a collection of essays both fiction and non-fiction in the style of David Sedaris or Sarah Vowell? For now post your thoughts in the comments. If I figure out how to post a poll I will run that as well. Need answers by the end of the month please.
Q: How have the interviews been going so far?
A: Not bad. I’m actually interviewing for jobs that I’m qualified for which is a bit of a first for me. Typically I’m switching career paths and have to try to get hired on the basis that I’m a good bet to be successful. So far I’ve been interviewing within my field and knock on wood (or smack my head into the desk) it’s been going well. I’m still a bit away from actually getting offers but I haven’t had any doors slammed in my face either.
Q: So you really are going through with it?
A: Yeah, I don’t believe it either. I’m six months from my thirty fifth birthday and I’m facing the world with a clean slate. Can go anywhere I want to. Recreate my life however I see fit. Not too many people get this opportunity. I want to make the most of it.
Q: Or you’ll spend the entire time watching old Voltron episodes.
A: Look, some things will never change.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Q: So you really are leaving your job?
A: Yep, my last day is March 28th.
Q: Feel like changing your mind right about now?
A: Not really. I applied for the separation package with the caveat that I could change my mind if I found that I had apparently no value on the job market. Since I’ve had interviews and people emailing me to ask if I was interested in a position I feel that I should be able to get a job somewhere in this world.
Q: True but weren’t some of those emails woefully misguided?
A: Yeah, I’m not quite sure why people want to hire me as a speech therapist. Apparently according to one job engine I have a strong background in the health care industry. Now I admit that my resume is often schizophrenic and there are parts of my past that are cloudy even to me but I don’t ever recall working in the health care industry. I’m an experienced customer of it but I’ve never provided any service.
Q: So I guess given this and the earnings announcement you’re happy with your decision?
A: That certainly helped me to conclude that I’m making the right decision. Seeing the company reduced to junk bond status really hurts me given that I spent over a year of my life working to improve our credit ratings. The place is in for a long haul for rebuilding and while I see the possibilities of a turnaround it’s not the right place for me right now.
Q: Everything is rainbows and unicorns for you then, huh?
A: Of course not. I’m pretty much scared to death right now. I realized a few days ago that on March 31 I will wake up not knowing what I am going to do with my life next for the first time ever. I graduated college with a job in hand, left my first job and went directly to grad school, and left grad school with a job. I’ve never not been working. I’m not sure how I am going to handle it.
Q: Wait, I thought you said your last day was the 28th. Why would this realization only come to you on the 31st?
A: Partly because it’s a Monday and partly because I have a feeling that that is going to be a very interesting weekend.
Q: How are you going to handle all of this free time then?
A: I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. I’ve come up with a schedule that should work. I’ll spend three to four hours a day working on finding a job (sending out resumes, networking, researching, interviewing and the like). I’ll work out every day, maybe finally earn my Deadspin commenter privileges and spend some time on their blog, and get a lot of writing done.
Q: So upon leaving a job where you spent all day looking at a computer you are going to then spend all your time looking at a computer?
A: Yes but now it will be a pants optional working environment.
Q: Do you think we really needed to have that image implanted in our minds?
A: The alternative was a joke that included the phrase “only a thong and a smile.”
Q: Moving on, what are you going to write?
A: That’s one that I want to ask the people who read this. Given that I feel that I have one major writing project in me and this is the best opportunity I may ever have to write 60,000 words in one fell swoop I want to know what people would like to read. I assume that everyone who reads this is my audience for this (and this would actually be a self-published enterprise that I’ll foot the bill for). Would you rather see me write a novel (romantic comedy in the vein of High Fidelity) or would you rather have a collection of essays both fiction and non-fiction in the style of David Sedaris or Sarah Vowell? For now post your thoughts in the comments. If I figure out how to post a poll I will run that as well. Need answers by the end of the month please.
Q: How have the interviews been going so far?
A: Not bad. I’m actually interviewing for jobs that I’m qualified for which is a bit of a first for me. Typically I’m switching career paths and have to try to get hired on the basis that I’m a good bet to be successful. So far I’ve been interviewing within my field and knock on wood (or smack my head into the desk) it’s been going well. I’m still a bit away from actually getting offers but I haven’t had any doors slammed in my face either.
Q: So you really are going through with it?
A: Yeah, I don’t believe it either. I’m six months from my thirty fifth birthday and I’m facing the world with a clean slate. Can go anywhere I want to. Recreate my life however I see fit. Not too many people get this opportunity. I want to make the most of it.
Q: Or you’ll spend the entire time watching old Voltron episodes.
A: Look, some things will never change.
Enjoy the weekend everyone.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
As long as you still have hit points you have a chance...
I have to start off tonight by paying my respect to the greatest Dungeon Master of them all, Gary Gygax, who passed away today. He wrote the book on Dungeons and Dragons, literally. He created the rule set and the world in which I spent my youth, my teenage years, my young adulthood, my wild twenties and now my early midlife crisis. Guess you can say that he was a rather strong influence on my life. How else was I to learn about mythology, epic legends and the fact that clerics can’t use edged weapons and are thus totally lame? In honor of Gary I ask that everyone roll their twenty sided die in honor of the legend himself. No modifiers added, please.
(What do you mean you don’t have a twenty sided die? How do you settle melee combat situations? I bet you’re the type of person who doesn’t even take into account the weight of the gold you gain during a dungeon crawl to the encumbrance of your character. Just go off and play Parcheesi if you want to be that way.)
Today has been a weird day, desire of wanting to sit down and discuss when saving throws are appropriate aside. That happens when you start the day by getting your taxes done. Yes, despite the fact that I a) have an MBA in Finance and b) enjoy numbers more than almost anything other than wielding enchanted swords against hordes of kobolds I pay someone to do my taxes for me. It is horribly lazy but at least it started due to a very good reason. My first year out here I found myself facing my tax forms knowing that I had lived in three states and worked in a fourth over the past year and had no idea what forms to fill out. Once you get started not filling out the paperwork it is a tough habit to break.
That said, it is sad that I continue to do it given that nothing changes and I could just do the forms myself. Of course, next year I’ll have to see someone as I’ll be switching jobs, states and maybe even buying a place. Maybe I am just trying to take into account the outsourcing of my life. At some point it is worth money to have someone do in an hour that which would take me most of a Saturday afternoon.
My interview went well, or at least I thought it did as I have a horrible history in predicting the results of these things. As always my goal is simply to make it to the next stage and I hope that I achieved that plateau. The interesting thing about the whole thing is how quickly I shook off the interview rust and was back to my confident, enthusiastic self. It hit me while I was preparing last night. Ok, I’ll need to explain the preparing part as it involves more than just listening to Jeff Buckley over and over again.
In order to feel comfortable in an interview I need to sit down with a good idea of what I am going to say. Not only do I review my resume I check my old performance reviews to find items that I don’t even remember accomplishing. It just helps to refresh my memory. Then I’ll start practicing answers. “Tell me about yourself”, “What are your weaknesses” “Why should I hire you”. I walk around my apartment answering those questions out loud. Yes it makes me look like an idiot but it is surprisingly effective.
Well, last night I turned a corner. While looking in the mirror while giving my spiel I realized that I was excited and psyched to be interviewing. I dig the position I’m interviewing for, I like the company and I so want the change and the challenge. That was a great feeling that I haven’t had for a very long time. When I get my confidence it is a beautiful thing. Not as beautiful as a well cast Fireball spell but nothing in life is perfect.
(What do you mean you don’t have a twenty sided die? How do you settle melee combat situations? I bet you’re the type of person who doesn’t even take into account the weight of the gold you gain during a dungeon crawl to the encumbrance of your character. Just go off and play Parcheesi if you want to be that way.)
Today has been a weird day, desire of wanting to sit down and discuss when saving throws are appropriate aside. That happens when you start the day by getting your taxes done. Yes, despite the fact that I a) have an MBA in Finance and b) enjoy numbers more than almost anything other than wielding enchanted swords against hordes of kobolds I pay someone to do my taxes for me. It is horribly lazy but at least it started due to a very good reason. My first year out here I found myself facing my tax forms knowing that I had lived in three states and worked in a fourth over the past year and had no idea what forms to fill out. Once you get started not filling out the paperwork it is a tough habit to break.
That said, it is sad that I continue to do it given that nothing changes and I could just do the forms myself. Of course, next year I’ll have to see someone as I’ll be switching jobs, states and maybe even buying a place. Maybe I am just trying to take into account the outsourcing of my life. At some point it is worth money to have someone do in an hour that which would take me most of a Saturday afternoon.
My interview went well, or at least I thought it did as I have a horrible history in predicting the results of these things. As always my goal is simply to make it to the next stage and I hope that I achieved that plateau. The interesting thing about the whole thing is how quickly I shook off the interview rust and was back to my confident, enthusiastic self. It hit me while I was preparing last night. Ok, I’ll need to explain the preparing part as it involves more than just listening to Jeff Buckley over and over again.
In order to feel comfortable in an interview I need to sit down with a good idea of what I am going to say. Not only do I review my resume I check my old performance reviews to find items that I don’t even remember accomplishing. It just helps to refresh my memory. Then I’ll start practicing answers. “Tell me about yourself”, “What are your weaknesses” “Why should I hire you”. I walk around my apartment answering those questions out loud. Yes it makes me look like an idiot but it is surprisingly effective.
Well, last night I turned a corner. While looking in the mirror while giving my spiel I realized that I was excited and psyched to be interviewing. I dig the position I’m interviewing for, I like the company and I so want the change and the challenge. That was a great feeling that I haven’t had for a very long time. When I get my confidence it is a beautiful thing. Not as beautiful as a well cast Fireball spell but nothing in life is perfect.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Time to hit the bookstore
Note to those who are interested in this sort of thing: In order to prepare for my second round interview tomorrow I spent the night with my Jeff Buckley: Live in Chicago DVD playing in the background. Yes, I am that serious about my preparation for this one. I listened to this DVD before every exam in B-School. When I need to place myself in the right mental framework this is what I utilize. If anyone wants to send positive vibes my way on Tuesday afternoon I would really appreciate it. For those wishing to send negative vibes I would like to suggest that schadenfreude is not the best use of one’s time. But wish me luck all the same.
Time to talk about books. Those of you who have admitted to being my friend on Facebook (not entirely an easy thing to do, at times I wish that there was a way to categorize someone as “a person whose existence I acknowledge”) will notice that I am now utilizing the Virtual Bookshelf app. It should come as no surprise that I have kept track of every book that I have read since 1998 so I am going to try to add all of those to my bookshelf. I’d try to account for everything in my apartment as well but I have way too many books. I even gave up on keeping track of them in a spreadsheet and I enjoy spreadsheets. Still, if you want to get a sense of my tastes that is a good place to start.
Thanks for all the great recommendations on books to read. Thought that I should share some of my thoughts on them.
Books suggested that I have actually read:
“To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee: I’m still upset by the complete lack of hunting advice in this novel. How can you have the words “kill” and “bird” in the title and not talk about proper technique? I read this book last year, which is kind of sad when I say that I am well read.
“The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck: Read as part of my goal to read the top 10 novels of the 20th century.
“The Road” by Cormac McCarthy: Read while on vacation last summer. Suggestion to everyone else: do not read this on vacation. It’s a bit of a bummer. Great book just unbelievably depressing.
Anything by Neil Gaiman: I’ve read everything by Neil Gaiman. I own a comic book signed by Neil Gaiman. I have collections of academic essays on the works of Neil Gaiman. I’m really impressed that someone would suggest this just because I like the fact that other people recognize his genius.
“A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” by Dave Eggers: Read on a plane flying home from Dublin. A plane that had two screaming infants, a small child kicking my backseat across all of Canada, and a bad Jim Carrey film as my entertainment options. Good book, especially in those circumstances.
Suggestions that I want to read / embarrassed that I haven’t:
John Irving: I’ve never read any John Irving. I’ve had a copy of Garp that has not been opened past page ten (despite being with me on a few transatlantic flights) and for some reason I just have not been able to get into it. Really need to read some of his work.
Steve Martin Autobiography: I asked for this for Christmas but apparently Santa and I have different definitions of “good”. Actually, I got the Charles Schultz biography instead and I’m working my way through that at a rather slow pace. Really want to read this because I dig Steve Martin’s writing. The Pleasure of my Company is a favorite of mine in part because it is so simple.
Bill Bryson stuff: A few years ago I started to read a lot of travel books possibly in a subconscious effort to deal with the fact that I don’t do much travelling. It’s strange then that I never bothered to pick up anything by Bill Bryson. Seems like a simple and fun read and I could use more of those.
Jane Austen: Now that I think of it, I don’t believe that I have read any Jane Austen. The only thing in that entire genre that I have ever read is Wuthering Heights, which is really odd given how much I dig British authors. Women discussing potential suitors in parlors never seemed to be my cup of tea though that might explain all of the other issues that I have in my life. Again, someone I need to read to at least give a better impression of being well read. Plus, Jane Austen is always a trivia question.
I’ll read more of these suggestions as well as I get around to them. The others I’ve heard of or have no idea what they are about, which is even more interesting. My favorite part of reading is finding a new author who opens my eyes to another part of life. I know people say that novels are a dying art but I’m not getting rid of my library anytime soon. There is just something so satisfying about holding a book in your hands, looking at the bookmark and seeing how far there is to go, and losing yourself in another’s words. I’ll take it over watching a bad sitcom any day.
Though when How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory return in two weeks the books will definitely be put to the side for an hour.
Time to talk about books. Those of you who have admitted to being my friend on Facebook (not entirely an easy thing to do, at times I wish that there was a way to categorize someone as “a person whose existence I acknowledge”) will notice that I am now utilizing the Virtual Bookshelf app. It should come as no surprise that I have kept track of every book that I have read since 1998 so I am going to try to add all of those to my bookshelf. I’d try to account for everything in my apartment as well but I have way too many books. I even gave up on keeping track of them in a spreadsheet and I enjoy spreadsheets. Still, if you want to get a sense of my tastes that is a good place to start.
Thanks for all the great recommendations on books to read. Thought that I should share some of my thoughts on them.
Books suggested that I have actually read:
“To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee: I’m still upset by the complete lack of hunting advice in this novel. How can you have the words “kill” and “bird” in the title and not talk about proper technique? I read this book last year, which is kind of sad when I say that I am well read.
“The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck: Read as part of my goal to read the top 10 novels of the 20th century.
“The Road” by Cormac McCarthy: Read while on vacation last summer. Suggestion to everyone else: do not read this on vacation. It’s a bit of a bummer. Great book just unbelievably depressing.
Anything by Neil Gaiman: I’ve read everything by Neil Gaiman. I own a comic book signed by Neil Gaiman. I have collections of academic essays on the works of Neil Gaiman. I’m really impressed that someone would suggest this just because I like the fact that other people recognize his genius.
“A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” by Dave Eggers: Read on a plane flying home from Dublin. A plane that had two screaming infants, a small child kicking my backseat across all of Canada, and a bad Jim Carrey film as my entertainment options. Good book, especially in those circumstances.
Suggestions that I want to read / embarrassed that I haven’t:
John Irving: I’ve never read any John Irving. I’ve had a copy of Garp that has not been opened past page ten (despite being with me on a few transatlantic flights) and for some reason I just have not been able to get into it. Really need to read some of his work.
Steve Martin Autobiography: I asked for this for Christmas but apparently Santa and I have different definitions of “good”. Actually, I got the Charles Schultz biography instead and I’m working my way through that at a rather slow pace. Really want to read this because I dig Steve Martin’s writing. The Pleasure of my Company is a favorite of mine in part because it is so simple.
Bill Bryson stuff: A few years ago I started to read a lot of travel books possibly in a subconscious effort to deal with the fact that I don’t do much travelling. It’s strange then that I never bothered to pick up anything by Bill Bryson. Seems like a simple and fun read and I could use more of those.
Jane Austen: Now that I think of it, I don’t believe that I have read any Jane Austen. The only thing in that entire genre that I have ever read is Wuthering Heights, which is really odd given how much I dig British authors. Women discussing potential suitors in parlors never seemed to be my cup of tea though that might explain all of the other issues that I have in my life. Again, someone I need to read to at least give a better impression of being well read. Plus, Jane Austen is always a trivia question.
I’ll read more of these suggestions as well as I get around to them. The others I’ve heard of or have no idea what they are about, which is even more interesting. My favorite part of reading is finding a new author who opens my eyes to another part of life. I know people say that novels are a dying art but I’m not getting rid of my library anytime soon. There is just something so satisfying about holding a book in your hands, looking at the bookmark and seeing how far there is to go, and losing yourself in another’s words. I’ll take it over watching a bad sitcom any day.
Though when How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory return in two weeks the books will definitely be put to the side for an hour.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I'll leave this world of toil and trouble...
Interview Note: Apparently I’m still pretty rusty when it comes to interviews. It wasn’t the worst interview that I’ve ever had but it definitely wasn’t an A+ effort on my part. I didn’t stumble over questions regarding my career aspirations but I don’t have those answers as fully formed as I would like. Hopefully I did enough to break through for a second interview. Otherwise it will be more time preparing for the future. I always hope that someone would hire me for just being smart but apparently they want other skills as well.
Final Oscar Note: I just discovered that former stripper and Oscar winner Diablo Cody went to a rival high school of mine a few years after I graduated. I still don’t know her but at least I now don’t know her in a much more personal way. Or at least I’m pretty sure I don’t know her. I would like to think that I would have remembered someone like her. Oh, and now people younger than me are winning screenplay Oscars. First Ben Affleck wins one and now this. I feel like such a slacker.
I have some very sad news to report tonight. My favorite music magazine of all time, No Depression, is going to stop publishing. This is a tough fact for me to face for a number of reasons. For one thing it was always my goal to write for No Depression though occasionally I’ll claim to have already written for it in order to impress women. (Look, I didn’t start that claim. It was mentioned on a website once and it kind of just took off from there.) I really considered it to be one of the best music magazines out there where the focus wasn’t on rating albums but on just discussing what they meant and how they made you feel.
But the big reason is that I fear that this might be a statement as to the longevity of my favorite music genre, which just happens to be called No Depression. Technically the Carter Family song came first and then the Uncle Tupelo album and then an AOL newsgroup and finally the magazine but in essence almost all of the music that I listen to has been described as No Depression. It was always difficult to describe. I sometimes use the phrase alt-country but that is a bit of a misnomer. Some of it is like Son Volt, country music with a rock tinge, while others are people like Willie Nelson, stuff that is so traditional country that it has become alternative. The No Depression is more of a state of mind than a sound. It’s fiercely independent, true to heart, lyrically brilliant music. Songs that someone can stand on stage in front of twenty people and sing because it truly is what they believe in.
I don’t think that the genre is dying per se (odds are the magazine business is a rather poor one to be in right now) but this is a blow for people like me. I learned about a lot of great bands by reading the magazine. I saw shows solely because of a blurb I read or, truth be told, a picture of a pretty female singer-songwriter in one of the ads. (To this day the only reason I go to see Eleni Mandell in concert is because of a picture I saw of her.) The magazine was run by people who weren’t bound to any corporate viewpoint; they all just loved music. There was no overlying agenda, no “You have to give the new Hootie and the Blowfish record three stars”, just great discussions of often overlooked acts. While Paste magazine has tried hard to reach the same audience I think that this will be a big gap in the music world. No Depression will definitely be missed.
Of course, I can always just rely on Maxim for my music commentary. They apparently gave the new Black Crowes album two and a half stars despite not actually having listened to it. I don’t know about you but even though I haven’t listened to it I would have to say that two and a half stars sounds about right to me.
Final Oscar Note: I just discovered that former stripper and Oscar winner Diablo Cody went to a rival high school of mine a few years after I graduated. I still don’t know her but at least I now don’t know her in a much more personal way. Or at least I’m pretty sure I don’t know her. I would like to think that I would have remembered someone like her. Oh, and now people younger than me are winning screenplay Oscars. First Ben Affleck wins one and now this. I feel like such a slacker.
I have some very sad news to report tonight. My favorite music magazine of all time, No Depression, is going to stop publishing. This is a tough fact for me to face for a number of reasons. For one thing it was always my goal to write for No Depression though occasionally I’ll claim to have already written for it in order to impress women. (Look, I didn’t start that claim. It was mentioned on a website once and it kind of just took off from there.) I really considered it to be one of the best music magazines out there where the focus wasn’t on rating albums but on just discussing what they meant and how they made you feel.
But the big reason is that I fear that this might be a statement as to the longevity of my favorite music genre, which just happens to be called No Depression. Technically the Carter Family song came first and then the Uncle Tupelo album and then an AOL newsgroup and finally the magazine but in essence almost all of the music that I listen to has been described as No Depression. It was always difficult to describe. I sometimes use the phrase alt-country but that is a bit of a misnomer. Some of it is like Son Volt, country music with a rock tinge, while others are people like Willie Nelson, stuff that is so traditional country that it has become alternative. The No Depression is more of a state of mind than a sound. It’s fiercely independent, true to heart, lyrically brilliant music. Songs that someone can stand on stage in front of twenty people and sing because it truly is what they believe in.
I don’t think that the genre is dying per se (odds are the magazine business is a rather poor one to be in right now) but this is a blow for people like me. I learned about a lot of great bands by reading the magazine. I saw shows solely because of a blurb I read or, truth be told, a picture of a pretty female singer-songwriter in one of the ads. (To this day the only reason I go to see Eleni Mandell in concert is because of a picture I saw of her.) The magazine was run by people who weren’t bound to any corporate viewpoint; they all just loved music. There was no overlying agenda, no “You have to give the new Hootie and the Blowfish record three stars”, just great discussions of often overlooked acts. While Paste magazine has tried hard to reach the same audience I think that this will be a big gap in the music world. No Depression will definitely be missed.
Of course, I can always just rely on Maxim for my music commentary. They apparently gave the new Black Crowes album two and a half stars despite not actually having listened to it. I don’t know about you but even though I haven’t listened to it I would have to say that two and a half stars sounds about right to me.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Oscar wrap up
Since it’s my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want to do with it I’ve posted Glen and Marketa’s acceptance speeches. A lot of critics considered this the best moment of the Oscars. It wasn’t preorchestrated; it was a genuine instinct of Jon Stewart’s to bring Marketa back on stage and then she gives a rather wonderful little speech. It was the most memorable moment of what was a rather blah night.
I was trying to figure out first of all why the show went quicker than normal. I realized they didn’t show a single clip from the Best Picture nominees. Typically they show a minute clip from each one throughout the show along with an introduction. We also were lacking in production numbers (other than best song). No appearances from Cirque du Soleil or Stomp or Blue Man Group this year. That saved a lot of time.
Still it was the night of montages instead. From what I read since the writer’s strike ended so recently they didn’t have time to create much of a show so they relied on what was the backup plan: all montages all the time. I assume that is why I got to see Price Waterhouse Coopers offices. It did make for a rather boring ceremony. Stewart did his best but there really wasn’t much to work with this year.
As for best dressed I’m going to have to go with Amy Adams. I might be the only person to do this and I’m not sure why. It’s just that if you ask me what I remember besides best song it is that I realized how beautiful Amy Adams is. Plus, she wore green and no one else did. If I have to see another red dress again I am going to be very angry. I don’t really even have a worst dressed as no one came close to Kirsten Dunst’s schoolboy collar of last year. Even I considered that to be a bad idea.
Not much else to report today. Spent time in the office working on spreadsheets. I did listen to Marshall Crenshaw on the way to work. For the record, I look almost exactly like Marshall Crenshaw. That doesn’t say much for my hopes of a music career as the best I can hope for is looking like a guy who was able to play Buddy Holly in a movie once. But he plays nice pop songs so it was still fun to listen to during my commute.
Big news is that I have my first interview tomorrow as I try to figure out the next step my life is going to take. I’m still not sure if I’m qualified for this position or not. According to the job posting I have everything they are looking for and I’m a perfect match. However, that assumes that job postings properly represent what is required for a job and we know that is not always the case. It will be interesting that’s for sure. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I think I've lost all this city's confidence
Since I alluded to it last night I figured I might as well explain the situation that I find myself in. The people who I work with who read this blog deserve to know about it firsthand while everyone else should just know about it in general. It’s probably one of the biggest decisions that I’ll make. To make it easier, I’ll do this in convenient question and answer form.
Q: So your company is planning to lay off 4,000 employees?
A: Yep, that’s what the press release said.
Q: Did you get offered a separation package?
A: Got notified of it about a week and a half ago. Surprisingly, this happened on the exact same day that all of my possessions were packed into boxes due to the fact that I was moving cubicles. It felt like I had just been fired and security was going to help me carry my boxes to the car.
Q: Oh my God, have you been fired? Or let go?
A: Neither, let’s make that point clear up front. There is nothing involuntary at this point. What happened is that everyone in my department was offered the opportunity to raise their hand and receive a separation package (for me, slightly more than 4 months pay) if they wanted to leave.
Q: So what are you planning on doing?
A: I’ve officially (knock on wood) raised my hand to be considered for the package.
Q: Seriously?
A: Yep.
Q: So you’re leaving?
A: Not exactly, I haven’t made my mind up on that yet. What I’ve done is asked to be considered. In a few weeks they’ll tell me if they’ve accepted my application or not. I’ll either find out that I am so valuable to the company that they can’t allow me to leave, which would be a great ego boost while making me wonder why they don’t pay me more, or they’ll say “Go ahead, don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.”
Q: They’ll actually say that?
A: Well, something like that. At that point I’ll have 45 days more or less to decide if I want to go through with it and officially leave the company.
Q: So you are planning on giving up a job where “surfing the internet” was actually written into your job description?
A: I’m not saying that this is going to be an easy decision. I enjoy what I do and have learned more about the human condition than I probably ever will again. Including some things I really wish I could unlearn. But anyone who has read this blog for any period of time knows that I’m at a crossroads in my life and a change is definitely needed.
Q: Could you explain this for those who have not read all 835 previous blog posts?
A: Well, the easiest one is that KC just isn’t the right town for me. It’s not as bad as I sometimes paint it but this isn’t a place for a guy who is in his mid-thirties and single. Especially given that I don’t have any family in the area. I feel really alone out here sometimes and I’ve gotten sick of it. I always thought that I’d stay if I met the girl of my dreams. There are some who will have argued that I met two who would have qualified and I screwed up both of them. Three if you count the girl who already had a boyfriend. Personally, I am no longer holding out hope that I’ll find a fourth in this town.
Q: Ok, that’s the town. That doesn’t explain leaving your job.
A: It’s not that I don’t like what I do; it’s more like I just want a change. My job is trivial in the sense that what I sell and study is just conspicuous consumption. That’s not a bad thing (most of our economy is built upon it) but it’s not quite what I had in mind in my career. To go from being in the control room of a nuclear reactor as a 21 year old to discussing Shakira ringers as a 34 year old is not exactly the best career path.
Q: So what are you going to do?
A: I don’t have a friggin clue.
Q: That’s impossible, you’re the guy who has detailed five year plans for his entire life. You must have some idea what is going to happen next?
A: It’s more ideas right now than plans. Most likely I will try to get back to Chicago to be back home amongst family and friends. I could still try one last adventure purely on my own but it would have to be a town that fits this point in my life. Austin and Seattle would for example, while moving to Topeka would be out of the question. As for what I’ll do for a living that is really up in the air. Might stay in the same field I’m in now, might jump back into corporate finance, might try investment banking or could end up back in the wonderful world of high voltage power lines. It’s all out there on the table for me.
Q: How does that make you feel?
A: Scared to death. You wouldn’t want to imagine my anxiety levels the past few weeks. Sitting with huge unknowns is not the way I like to face life. I’m trying to turn this into a positive. Not too many other people in their mid-30’s could slam on the brakes and completely reevaluate their life without being criticized for having a mid-life crisis.
Q: What in the world will you do if you are being paid not to work?
A: Figure that I’ll finally have time to write my novel and get Insufficient Monkeys Publishing started. That should take up much of my time.
Q: Insufficient Monkeys? What the hell is that?
A: It’s what I want to name my publishing company. The idea is that given infinite monkeys you could write Hamlet so obviously my biggest problem is that I have insufficient monkeys. Any of my lawyers out there who want to help me with the paperwork on getting this one started please let me know.
Q: So it might really be time for you to leave Kansas City?
A: Looks that way.
Q: Then one last question. Would the blog still be at kcgatsby.blogspot.com?
A: I assume so. I figure that I’ll be paddling upstream no matter where I go in this world.
Q: So your company is planning to lay off 4,000 employees?
A: Yep, that’s what the press release said.
Q: Did you get offered a separation package?
A: Got notified of it about a week and a half ago. Surprisingly, this happened on the exact same day that all of my possessions were packed into boxes due to the fact that I was moving cubicles. It felt like I had just been fired and security was going to help me carry my boxes to the car.
Q: Oh my God, have you been fired? Or let go?
A: Neither, let’s make that point clear up front. There is nothing involuntary at this point. What happened is that everyone in my department was offered the opportunity to raise their hand and receive a separation package (for me, slightly more than 4 months pay) if they wanted to leave.
Q: So what are you planning on doing?
A: I’ve officially (knock on wood) raised my hand to be considered for the package.
Q: Seriously?
A: Yep.
Q: So you’re leaving?
A: Not exactly, I haven’t made my mind up on that yet. What I’ve done is asked to be considered. In a few weeks they’ll tell me if they’ve accepted my application or not. I’ll either find out that I am so valuable to the company that they can’t allow me to leave, which would be a great ego boost while making me wonder why they don’t pay me more, or they’ll say “Go ahead, don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.”
Q: They’ll actually say that?
A: Well, something like that. At that point I’ll have 45 days more or less to decide if I want to go through with it and officially leave the company.
Q: So you are planning on giving up a job where “surfing the internet” was actually written into your job description?
A: I’m not saying that this is going to be an easy decision. I enjoy what I do and have learned more about the human condition than I probably ever will again. Including some things I really wish I could unlearn. But anyone who has read this blog for any period of time knows that I’m at a crossroads in my life and a change is definitely needed.
Q: Could you explain this for those who have not read all 835 previous blog posts?
A: Well, the easiest one is that KC just isn’t the right town for me. It’s not as bad as I sometimes paint it but this isn’t a place for a guy who is in his mid-thirties and single. Especially given that I don’t have any family in the area. I feel really alone out here sometimes and I’ve gotten sick of it. I always thought that I’d stay if I met the girl of my dreams. There are some who will have argued that I met two who would have qualified and I screwed up both of them. Three if you count the girl who already had a boyfriend. Personally, I am no longer holding out hope that I’ll find a fourth in this town.
Q: Ok, that’s the town. That doesn’t explain leaving your job.
A: It’s not that I don’t like what I do; it’s more like I just want a change. My job is trivial in the sense that what I sell and study is just conspicuous consumption. That’s not a bad thing (most of our economy is built upon it) but it’s not quite what I had in mind in my career. To go from being in the control room of a nuclear reactor as a 21 year old to discussing Shakira ringers as a 34 year old is not exactly the best career path.
Q: So what are you going to do?
A: I don’t have a friggin clue.
Q: That’s impossible, you’re the guy who has detailed five year plans for his entire life. You must have some idea what is going to happen next?
A: It’s more ideas right now than plans. Most likely I will try to get back to Chicago to be back home amongst family and friends. I could still try one last adventure purely on my own but it would have to be a town that fits this point in my life. Austin and Seattle would for example, while moving to Topeka would be out of the question. As for what I’ll do for a living that is really up in the air. Might stay in the same field I’m in now, might jump back into corporate finance, might try investment banking or could end up back in the wonderful world of high voltage power lines. It’s all out there on the table for me.
Q: How does that make you feel?
A: Scared to death. You wouldn’t want to imagine my anxiety levels the past few weeks. Sitting with huge unknowns is not the way I like to face life. I’m trying to turn this into a positive. Not too many other people in their mid-30’s could slam on the brakes and completely reevaluate their life without being criticized for having a mid-life crisis.
Q: What in the world will you do if you are being paid not to work?
A: Figure that I’ll finally have time to write my novel and get Insufficient Monkeys Publishing started. That should take up much of my time.
Q: Insufficient Monkeys? What the hell is that?
A: It’s what I want to name my publishing company. The idea is that given infinite monkeys you could write Hamlet so obviously my biggest problem is that I have insufficient monkeys. Any of my lawyers out there who want to help me with the paperwork on getting this one started please let me know.
Q: So it might really be time for you to leave Kansas City?
A: Looks that way.
Q: Then one last question. Would the blog still be at kcgatsby.blogspot.com?
A: I assume so. I figure that I’ll be paddling upstream no matter where I go in this world.
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