2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part Two)

Time for Part II in the three part examination of every bowl game under the sun (including the Sun Bowl, which I guess is technically on the sun.) Tonight, The December 30th and 31st games also known as “for having a respectable season enjoy this trip to someplace warm while playing a game that no one will remember a week from now.”

December 30:
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Maryland vs. Nevada: I am so pissed that I am going to be working when this game is on. Thankfully, I work in an office surrounded by televisions and might be able to coerce one into being tuned to my favorite bowl game of the year. Let’s count the things that make this game awesome: 1) Whereas bowl games were originally named for things that you could put in a bowl (roses, oranges, tangerines, blue bonnets) this game is named after the vague concept of humanitarianism, 2) The fact that humanitarianism is celebrated via an event where large men try to hit each other as hard as possible is a wonder to behold, 3) The game is in Boise, Idaho thus meaning that Maryland fans get to celebrate an above average season by going to Idaho, 4) Bronco Stadium in Boise has the smurf turf, which makes for an amazing sight from a television perspective and also creates situations where birds dive to their deaths thinking that the field is a lake. I like any bowl game where the overall reaction to watching it is, “What the hell?”

Texas Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Rice: You don’t mess with the Texas Bowl. If you were allowed to mess with it I would wish to rename it the “Bowl of Texas Chili featuring Rice”. Otherwise there is no real reason for this game to exist. Given that it is on the NFL Network there is a strong possibility that this game does not actually exist. No one cares about the two teams, no one is going to see the game, and there is no history to the event. For the sake of time could we just have a member of each team sit in front of an Xbox and play NCAA Football 2009 to determine the winner? It would probably draw higher ratings.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Oregon: Of all the early bowl games this is the only one that has any sense of history to it. I mean real history as opposed to funny stories regarding sponsorships. National champions (or at least BYU) have been crowned in this game and it usually features a final score of 57-52 with seven interceptions, three safeties, and one player spontaneously combusting in the third quarter. This is one of those bad color matchups as we have Oklahoma State, the only team that can find a bad shade of orange to use in its uniforms, against Oregon who usually shows up in some Nike abomination featuring fire truck yellow and fluorescent lime green. If that occurs I recommend switching from high def in this one.

(I really do wonder why more teams do not use orange in their team colors. I always felt that Illinois looks really sweet with a stadium decked out in the color.)

December 31:
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Total mismatch in this one. Air Force consists of players who are a) members of the armed forces and b) trained in flying helicopters whereas Houston mainly consists of guys who are constantly told how awesome Andre Ware used to be. The game is being held in Fort Worth at the Amon G. Carter Stadium thus raising the question “Why doesn’t anyone name their kids Amon anymore?” You do have to wonder how valuable a sponsorship this is for Bell Helicopter though. I can see Pacific Life hoping that someone will tune into the game and go, “I really need to pick up some life insurance.” How many people will being sitting on the couch and turn to the wife and say, “You know what we need? Our own helicopter.”

Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh: Yes, it is the return of the Brut Sun Bowl brought to you by Faberge. Always have to respect any game sponsored by a cologne that you thought would get you laid when you were thirteen. Why Wrangler, Old Spice and Polo in the Green Bottle Splashed On In Amounts That Will Kill a Small Animal do not have similar sponsorships is a mystery for the ages. Pitt is coached by Dave Wannstadt, the sworn enemy of all Chicago Bears fans and the owner of the best porn mustache amongst the college coaching fraternity. The fact that I was present for Wanny outcoaching Weis this year explains just why I would like to see Charlie outsourced as soon as possible. This will leave me cheering for Oregon State whose fans did produce my second most favorite sign seen on ESPN this year. During the Oregon-Oregon State game (where a win would have given them the Pac-10 title) two female Oregon State fans held up a sign that read “These Beavers smell like roses”. 10 out 10 for originality on that one.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Boston College vs. Vanderbilt: My favorite sign on ESPN was when Vanderbilt hosted Auburn and a guy held up a sign that read “My butler went to Auburn.” Now that is SEC football for you. Vanderbilt is like Northwestern or Duke or Stanford except without the prestige and notoriety. Yes, it is a top school but it just doesn’t carry the same cache as other schools. Boston College will take the field with various Fluties, a number of female fans in pink jerseys and the air of smugness that is now apparently a god given right for every Boston sports fan. Fun Fact: this Nashville based game is being played at LP Field, which creates this whole retro, analog based feel to the entire event.

Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota: I assume that everyone in Kansas City is already sick of hearing the sportscasters giving their insights on the Insight Bowl. Personally, I would be proud of the fact that they are advanced enough to create the pun. This is an epic rivalry between two vaguely Midwestern states which are close enough to be aware of each other but not close enough for anything to really matter. It is more of a matter of determining once and for all which animal reigns supreme: the gopher or the jayhawk. Or which band is better: The Replacements or, uh, Kansas? The Jayhawks were from Minnesota so my musical analogies here are going to get very confusing very quickly.

This game is easy to pick for one reason and one reason only.



One does not mess with the awesome power that is Baby Mangino.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: LSU vs. Georgia Tech: Flying out of Philadelphia, especially on US Air, is one of the worst experiences known to man. All it is is a mass of delays, crowds, and twenty dollar a day parking lots. So when I had to fly out the Sunday of Thanksgiving for work my sole comfort was that I would get to have dinner at the Chick-Fil-A in the US Air terminal. Except that I found out that even at the airport on the busiest travel day of the year they follow the rule that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday because it is meant to be a day of rest. You would not believe how upset this made me. I had never wanted an overrated chicken sandwich more in my life. This is almost as bad as no longer calling this the Peach Bowl. If the game is in Georgia then it is the Peach Bowl. No questions asked.

This game is made for me. I get a scrappy Georgia Tech team running the triple option coached by the old Navy head coach. I have my fellow Cajuns taking the field and running around like madmen. Plus the game is at night on New Year’s Eve so people like me will have something to watch as we sit morosely in our apartments, alone and miserable, wondering about how our lives have become a pathetic farce of the idyllic world that we are force fed by mass media every moment of our existence. Oh, and we get commercials that feature parachuting cows! So we have existential crisis, gimmick offenses and cows. Best way to end a year that I know of.

Tomorrow: The January games in which we answer the question “What Big Ten team will I watch lose this year while nursing a hangover?”

2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part One)

Given the BCS announcements yesterday and the publishing of the bowl schedule it is time for the third annual Battling the Current Bowl Preview. This year I am going to take on the added challenge of analyzing every game in chronological order thus providing you with everything you will need to sound intelligent in discussions at Christmas parties, sports bars and unemployment lines. Due to the fact that there are way more bowl games than necessary I will break this into several parts. Tonight: The games through December 29th also known as the “who the hell cares” games.

December 20:
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy: Navy is going to be favored in this one as the game is being played in Washington D.C. at RFK thus providing the Midshipmen the natural advantage of being a) near Annapolis, b) near the Pentagon, and c) close to water. It is one of the unwritten rules of college sports that no one ever discusses the fact that Wake Forest has the most disturbing nickname in all of sports. Going up against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons is equivalent to having to line up across from the Notre Dame Satanic Priests.

New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State vs. Fresno State: This is the only bowl game played in an artists’ commune with each player receiving their own Georgia O’Keefe print. It is also not a good sign when you can’t even afford a sponsor and thus name the game after the state it is held in. However, tune into the game if just for the halftime show featuring Weird Al Yankovic performing the full 11 minute and 22 second version of his song “Albuquerque”. Well, you got any jelly donuts? No! We don’t have any jelly donuts!

magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis vs. South Florida. For the life of me, I have no clue what the hell magicJack is supposed to be. It could either be a car protection system, an online poker site, or a personal lubricant and I for one have no interest in finding out which is correct. I’m going to assume that South Florida is the home team here even though I have no idea where in Florida either South Florida or St. Petersburg is. I might have to watch this game for the educational value alone.

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona: For the third straight year BYU is playing in a bowl game in Las Vegas and per my contract as an internet blogger I am required by law to make the following jokes: A) I recommend Cheetah’s for those BYU fans looking for wives four through seven, B) I have been informed that the pool at the Hard Rock Café has been converted into a kiddie pool and C) It will be very easy for Arizona fans to find each other in the casinos as, well, they will be the ones in the casino. Sigh. Three straight years of having to make the same jokes.

(However, for those of you who remember the show Big Love I just want to say that Chloe Sevigny is probably the most strangely attractive actress I have ever seen. You wouldn’t immediately think so but there is something about you that catches your eye.)

December 21:
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy: Half a state versus just one man. The biggest, baddest man on the planet. Troy doesn’t even warm up. He just shows up at kickoff and goes “bring it”. However, I’m going with Southern Miss on this one (even though it is the home of several Favres) due to the old pro wrestling rule that no one name wrestler ever becomes world champ. If you are named Warlord or Barbarian or Mantaur odds are you won’t be headlining Wrestlemania. That’s why certain wrestlers have to be renamed to Psycho Sid or The Man They Call Vader or Sting but Not the One from the Band, This One Wears Facepaint.

December 23:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: I pity the announcing crew for this one as they will have to repeat that name over and over again. Also, how the hell did Boise State get screwed over so royally in the bowls this year? They went undefeated, handled every challenge that was thrown their way, and as a result are playing before Christmas. Sure, San Diego is an improvement over Boise but they really deserve to be playing in January. Hell, if there was a playoff I would want them in it. Also, I expect at least one call of “TCU takes it to the bank” during the game.

December 24:
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame: Let me get this straight. The highlights of Notre Dame’s season consisted of a) not losing to Navy twice in a row and b) sucking less than Michigan. They lost at least three games that any Notre Dame team should have won and one of those was to one of the worst teams in the nation. As a result the football team and Charlie Weis get to leave lovely South Bend in December and spend some time in Hawaii. It is nice to see that Notre Dame Football has appropriated the motto of most members of the Notre Dame Law School. “What do you call the student who finishes last in his class at Notre Dame Law?” “Lawyer (or possibly John)”

You also have to feel sorry for the kids at Hawaii who work all year and get stuck staying home in Hawaii for the holidays as opposed to going to such lovely locales as Detroit or Shreveport. It just doesn’t seem fair that they have to stay in the hell on earth that is Honolulu in December.

December 26:
Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan: There is a strong possibility that the footballs will be repossessed in the third quarter so getting out to a quick lead will be paramount in this one. Fans will also be asked to bring in donations in unmarked bills, preferably tens and twenties. Halftime entertainment will be a song and dance routine performed by several CEOs. As for the game it will be just like a classic Florida versus Michigan matchup just with flawed design, shoddy workmanship and an unnerving sense that the entire basis that the entire global economy is built upon is crumbling before our very eyes.

December 27:
Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina: As a kid it was my dream to play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is one of those games where you wish that they would play one half as football and one half as basketball because it would make it a lot more interesting. Or, have the basketball coaches on the sidelines. I would love to see Bob Huggins prowling a football sideline or Roy Williams get creamed by a linebacker who missed a tackle and accidentally speared him instead. In fact, I say we petition to have this made a reality.

Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida State: Kind of strange seeing this matchup on anything other than New Year’s Day. I’m so used to seeing them in January that it doesn’t make sense to have them play any other time. While I find it difficult to cheer for Wisconsin under any circumstances the first girl I fell in love with left me for a guy who was a Florida State fan so I hate that school on general principles. Don’t ask me how that logic works, it just does.

Emerald Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. California: I’m not sure if this is sponsored by Emerald Nuts, the gem emerald or just the color green. California is representing the Pac-10 (Conference Motto: 9 fine academic institutions and Arizona State) while Miami is representing a work release program. Can’t say I have any problems with taking Miami in this one. Let’s say you take two people of equal talent and say “You can either go to Miami or you can go to Berkley.” Who would you want in a game that requires speed, power and the ability to mercilessly punish someone for no reason other than he is wearing a different shirt than you are?

December 28:
Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech: I so miss the days of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. To this day I long to have a lawn just so I could own a Poulan Weed Eater. It was the coolest bowl sponsorship ever. Louisiana Tech gets to travel to Shreveport, which means I think they have to go down the block or something. And yes, Northern Illinois is in a bowl game while Illinois is not. I’d rather not think about it. Well, at least we still have the Chief. What, they took that away as well? Is our basketball team still good? Please?

Papajohns.com Bowl: NC State vs. New Jersey State (Ooops, I mean Rutgers): Upon entering the stadium all fans will be given two small peppers and a container of sauce without asking for them upon which they will stare at them, wonder what they are for and then sheepishly toss away when no one is looking. However, if the game takes more than three hours they will get tickets to next year’s game at half price. I still find it hilarious that the sponsor is the website and not Papa Johns itself. Like they assume that it will be better publicity if they put a dot com at the end of it. I’d talk about the two teams but, really, does anyone care now that Ray Rice has left Rutgers?

December 29:
Valero Alamo Bowl: Missouri vs. Northwestern: Oh for crying out loud. Northwestern makes a bowl game and Illinois does not. For what I am paying those guys, I mean donating to the program, I expect more. My biggest fear is that Missouri will wear those bright yellow jerseys against the purple of Northwestern and my television set will explode. I think I’ll cheer for Missouri in this one just because I saw Son Volt play in Columbia once and that is more than I can say for the city of Evanston.

Demolition Derby Dreams

Note to Notre Dame: So if I did a crappy job as a student for four years would I also get a trip to Hawaii? Just curious because if that is true then I worked way too hard in business school.

Per the comment on my last post: No, I did not call her while I was in New Orleans. I was gone for a week and since we had talked just before I left I didn’t feel it was really necessary to talk. We weren’t at the talk every day point and besides, I was insanely busy with what I was doing, which in the year post-Katrina was a lot less of what I would typically do in Nola. I’ll never claim that I am faultless in the downfall of any relationship (hell, I’m probably the cause of most of them) but breaking up with a guy immediately after he spends a week doing volunteer work seemed especially cold hearted.

I’ll continue to post some dating stories and a few other similar pieces on the weekends. I like having a bit of a longer format and I take more time in the proofreading that way. While part of the reason why I’m posting them is because since I’ve moved I don’t expect much in terms of potential blowback there is another reason. While I used to put these in my writer’s journal (something that everyone else would call a diary) I now only really keep the blog. So I don’t have these written down anywhere and I would like them stored for posterity. Why, I don’t know. Maybe I just have a fetish for public embarrassment.

Anyway, so I’ve been having a bunch of nightmares recently. Ok, maybe not nightmares but at least rather stressful dreams. I tend not to have blue tentacle monsters trying to devour my soul in my dreams. However, I do have the dream where I have two papers to write and a massive test to prepare for in two days, which I have discussed a lot in the past. But more and more I have been having the following one.

I am driving a car that is barreling out of control and it is readily apparent that I have no idea as to how to drive. I either steer lazily, running into cars on the side of the road, or for some reason I find myself driving the car from the backseat so that while I can steer stopping is a bit of a challenge. Now I never crash in these dreams and find myself with the airbags deployed and my spleen now forcibly moved eight feet left of where it was previously located. In fact, from what I can tell no one gets hurt, my car continues to run, and I never have to face a police officer regarding the immense destruction that I am unleashing upon the land. I just whip about uncontrollably while I freak out about it.

Pretty clear what this one means. There are times when I feel that my life is completely out of my control. I’m in one of those moments right now. I guess passenger in a runaway car is a good description of it. There are a lot of things going on in my life and some of them I have no control over and the ones that I do have influence on for some reason I’m not even bothering to me. I’m just letting myself sit there and freak out about it. At least it is nice to know that my subconscious warns me about this. Then maybe I can figure out how to address it.

Best of 120 Minutes: The video that best depicts my life as a teenager. Or more accurately how I wish my life was as a teenager: hanging out at Sonic Youth shows and hooking up with a cute girl in a Nirvana t-shirt. Sigh. Why didn’t anyone just grab me by the back of the neck and force me to these shows when I was younger? Who let me spend all my time studying and listening to music in headphones? Well, that was me but seriously when I build my time machine (and that is when, not if) first thing I am going to do is go back in time to kick my own ass.

Sonic Youth MTV Music

Tales from the KC Dating Scene...

Now that I have left Kansas City in a cloud of dust (with a fifty cent lighter and a whisky buzz…) I feel that it is time to reveal some of my dating stories from my time in the Cowtown. I think there just might be enough distance between myself and the land of barbecue that it is now safe to tell the tales. Names have been changed to protect the slightly less guilty. Also, if these stories do not automatically get me cast in The Pick Up Artist 3 nothing will.

The first tale: The Dark Knight Returns

Like all good stories, this one begins in a bar which for me was Harry’s, easily the best bar outside of the Linebacker that I have ever found. What I loved about the place is that it was a bar plain and simple. No décor, no shot girls wandering around, no mechanical bull left over from the urban cowboy phase in the seventies, just a bar and some tables and some music on an iPod. It was the type of place where you could just head in, take a seat at the bar, and spend the entire night drinking, thinking and people watching. And that is precisely what I did most weekends for five straight years. When I told them I was moving they had to adjust their budget.

Well on this night I was in my usual seat at the corner of the bar, joking with Jim the Bartender (one of my New Orleans compatriots) and trying to understand just why Sprint had sent me to Seattle and back where my main accomplishment was a) not falling asleep during any of the meetings and b) getting really good seats to Cirque du Soleil. It had started off as a really standard night when these two girls walked in and sat next to me.

Now for the most part, I tend not to start conversations in bars. I’ll engage in them of course, it’s not like I just sit around and drink morosely in a corner, but I tend not to open sets. However, in this case the girls were talkative and were discussing area bars so I joined the conversation. I found out that the two girls were sisters and I found myself talking to…let’s call her Alison because I have a fun story about a girl named Alison from Australia that I should tell one of these days.

So I’m talking to Alison when several guys of the striped shirt and Abercrombie and Fitch wardrobe variety all begin a valiant attempt to pick up her sister. Valiant in the manner of being horrible and pathetic. Much of what I talk about with Alison is how bad these guys’ game is and how it is never going to work. This goes on for an hour where I mention that I a) just flew in from Seattle, b) was in the fourth row at Cirque and c) didn’t pay a dime for any of it all while Jim the Bartender is taking care of our drinks for me. Finally her sister discourages the guys enough to leave her alone as it is time for them to go and Alison asks me “I would really like to keep talking to you.” My reply…

“Here is my card. My cell phone number is on it. Give me a call if you want.”

Now there is still much debate as to whether or not that is a proper move on my part. I am very fond of it for a number of reasons. First, it dispels any of the potential stalker fears that a girl might have. I can’t call you so you’re in control at the moment and if you really do like me you will call. More importantly, it means that I will not have to endure the following scenario. The girl gives me her number. Two days later I call her and leave a message on her voice mail. Four days after that I call and leave her another message on her voice mail. A week later I leave one last half-court shot message on her voice mail with the hope that maybe, just maybe, she will acknowledge my existence, which of course she won’t so I’ll just spend three weeks moping around thinking about how big of a loser I am. At least if I give her my number I won’t have to go through the whole Swingers scenario.

So what happens next? Not surprisingly, a few days later she gives me a call. I say not surprisingly because we did hit it off really well and I wanted to talk to her some more but mainly because she mentioned that she was about to turn thirty and that immediately raised a red light over my head. In Kansas City if you are not married by the time you are twenty five you are viewed quizzically. To turn thirty and not be dating someone, well, that is just setting yourself up to be a social pariah. We talk some more, set up another meeting at Harry’s during the week, have another really fun conversation and decide to go out on Friday night for what would be considered a proper date.

Her suggestion as to what we should do on this proper date? Play miniature golf. Now I understand that this is a rather cliché thing to do on a date, especially a first date, but in my entire life I never went miniature golfing on a date. Not even when I was in high school and my options were rather limited. Given that I can now legally drink I’ve always assumed that the ability to imbibe in beverages in order to avoid awkward silences is recommended if not actually required. Instead we played at a rather downtrodden course, rescued a dog that had gotten loose on the street, ended up in a bar (thankfully) and finished the night in a vaguely romantic fashion.

(Look, I’ll explain a lot of things here but not everything. For some parts you will just have to use your imagination.)

I was feeling pretty good about myself as to how all of this was progressing. Remember I met her by pointing out how all the guys were doing a horrible job hitting on her sister and by not hitting on her I had ended up dating her. Now we were talking regularly and we had plans to meet up right before her birthday so I could take her out to dinner and celebrate. Which we did and had another good night. So she turned thirty and had a guy like myself with all that entails if not wrapped around her finger at least highly interested.

However, I knew we were going to have to spend a little time apart as right after her birthday I was heading down to New Orleans to do some volunteer work. This was a huge event for me. My love for New Orleans is pretty well known and this was my chance to help after Katrina. I joked with myself that just wait I’ll come back and everything will have changed. But come on, you’re dating a guy who is using his vacation time to rehab homes of complete strangers. How rare of a find is that?

My time in New Orleans was life changing I came back full of stories to tell. I call Alison, get her voice mail, and leave a message. A few days later I leave another message. And then a week later I leave another one. Finally, she calls me, tells me that she has been incredibly busy and we talk for a while and set up a theoretical meeting some point in the future. A week later we randomly meet at the bar, talk for a bit, we do one of those vague friendly hugs, she heads out to the patio to be with her friend, and I contemplate following her out later but decide discretion is the better part of valor and decide to not hover about her.

A month or so passes. I leave a few messages on her voice mail but never hear anything back. I’m not calling every day or anything. Maybe every two weeks. She had said nothing to me other than she was really busy and that she really enjoyed spending time with me. But let’s face it, even I could tell that this one was kaput. However, in a million years I never would have expected the following to happen.

I had taken a Friday off from work just so I could have a long weekend. As a result, I headed over to Harry’s on a Thursday night. When I walked into the bar I was immediately met by someone who looked much like a member of the Insane Clown Posse. That person was flanked by a fat guy in a suit and someone in a Robin costume. It took a little while but when the guy in the Batman costume turned around I figured out that for some reason there were a group of people in Harry’s dressed like the cast of Batman (including Joker and Penguin). I walk past the comic book characters, say hi to Jeremy the Bartender, and as I am about to sit down in my regular corner stool I realize that sitting at a table is Alison joking with a bunch of her friends. They are the only other people in the bar.

I went through the following thought process as Jeremy put my Boulevard Wheat in front of me.

“Shit”
“Ok, so I have the cast of Batman to my left and the girl who won’t return my calls to my right. What should I do?”
“I can’t leave the bar. Jeremy knows me and if I leave after one beer, especially when I’ve told him that I’m not working tomorrow, he’ll know something is wrong.”
“I can’t stay where I’m sitting right now because this is just the freakiest thing in the world. I mean, is that guy actually dressed as Mr. Freeze?”
“I can’t go over to her table and say hi because there is not a single sentence that I could say in that situation that would not lead to something really bad happening.”
“The patio bar should be open. Jamie will be working and she always knows what to do.”

So I down my beer quickly, tell Jeremy that I’m heading outside and flee. Jamie is working and when I tell her about the cast of Batman she just looks me dead in the eye and goes “I don’t serve superheroes.” While I’m sitting there we are randomly joined by one of my favorite people on the planet in Heather the Bartender who had moved to Chicago earlier in the year and was just in town for the weekend. I had a mad crush on Heather and she served me more free drinks than anyone else in Kansas City. As I told her once, I wasn’t sure if she loved me or if she wanted to kill me. Heather and I spend the next few hours talking and when I finally leave I glance through the window on the way out and still see Alison sitting at the table. And I hoped, or maybe wished, that she had stepped outside to talk to me only to see me embracing a beautiful redhead.

You can guess the ending of the story from here. I left one last message for Alison, which I ended with “give me a call or if not, have fun.” I never heard from or saw her again. It still bothers me that it ended with, well, nothing. She just stopped talking to me. Treated me like I didn’t exist. I felt I deserved a little more than that. At least if she called me an asshole I would know that I had done something wrong. So that was that. Except…

A few weeks after the whole Batman night was my birthday. A few days later I came back to my apartment to find sitting in front of my apartment door a small Styrofoam food container housing a piece of pound cake with whipped cream as well as a bag of trail mix and candy wrapped with a nice ribbon. No note, no card, no explanation whatsoever. It was just sitting there right in front of my door. In five years of living in that apartment in Kansas City it is without a doubt the strangest thing that I ever came across.

To this day I have no idea who it was from. Maybe it was meant as a welcome gift from a new neighbor. But in my gut I really like to think that it was Alison. She was one of the few people who actually knew where I lived, when my birthday was, and who would have a reason to do such a thing. Maybe it was her way to try to have the whole situation end on a happier note. Even if it wasn’t her I’ll think of it that way. I’d rather have it be a meaningful attempt at reconnection than a random stranger leaving food at my doorstep.

Pauly Shore could not be reached for comment

Before I begin tonight I humbly request that we all join hands in a moment of silence for the latest victim of our economic downturn. I just received news that due to the layoffs at Viacom that John Norris has been let go at MTV. Yes, that John Norris. The guy who originally became a VJ in 1992. Yeah, I can’t believe he still had a job either. Given that they stopped playing music videos in about 1998 I’m not quite sure what his job has actually been. I assume it is making sure that Kurt Loder is safely entombed in his cryogenic chamber. Still, I guess this means we can officially close the era of Alternative Nation.

(Well, at least I can still find Serena Altchul on Sunday morning television. Though I miss Tabitha Soren. All news sounds more hopeful when read by Tabitha Soren.)

Oh, and the Grammy nominations were released today and…is there any award less meaningless than a Grammy? I don’t know anyone whose life dream is to win a Grammy. Christopher Cross has four of them; it’s not as though it is difficult to win them. Mainly my argument with the Grammies is that trying to judge one three minute pop song as being superior to another three minute pop song (amongst a million other three minute pop songs) is a completely frivolous task. There just is no way to create any meaningful definition of good or better so it just turns into a beauty contest. This is before we even get into the concept of comparing Coldplay and Lil Wayne on any sort of level playing field.

True, you could make this definition about any art form but it seems more endemic to music. While you still have genre issues in the Oscars (comedies never win anything unless they are indie films with a humerous bent) I at least find it easier to accept the judging of a few hundred movies with two hours of material to take into account. It still isn’t perfect but at least you can look at the nominees and feel decent that these are amongst the best films of the year. But with the Grammies you know that isn’t the case. Are the Jonas Brothers really one of the five Best New Artists? On the Disney Channel yes but in the real world that is nowhere near the case. So it makes the entire spectacle rather laughable.

Not much else to add tonight. Sorry, had to work really late tonight and I have spent much of the past hour staring at the blank screen trying to find something to discuss. Basically my mind is fried at the moment and all I want to do is sleep for a few hours before I have to make my way back to the office. I’ll try to write something for the messy room over the weekend. Specifically, in honor of The Pick Up Artist I will write one of my favorite Kansas City dating stories. The Dark Knight Returns. It is a great one, trust me.

Do or Do Not. There is no Try

We have come to this, my friends: the finale of the second season of The Pick Up Artist. No longer will we have a chance to watch nerds get rejected as they try to attract women out of their league. Soon Mystery will take his magical hat and goggles and disappear only to promise to come back again some day like a Cassanova Snowman. Tara will return to being a waitress or bartender or whatever she does in her real life. And sadly, no longer will we be granted words of wisdom from my idol, Matador. That is, until I pay the three grand for the weekend training session in the hotel conference room as pictured above. Yes, that is a real course and a real price. The wonders of supply and demand.

Episode 8: I’ll take two fours and a two instead

When last we left our young Jedi they were faced with the important task of taking on a padwan of their own. Simeon taught his the ways of the Force and the importance of lip piercing and advanced one step close to a seat on the Jedi Council. Meanwhile, Matt was challenged to bring his nerf herder to a higher level and after much consultation with Qui-Jon has grown beyond the rank of Youngling. Greg had to challenge the Rancor and failed thus showing that no one from Utah, even if he had been trained by Master Yoda, will ever be a Pick Up Artist. Who will take the seat next to the Conehead Jedi? Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Let’s find out.

We start with Matt and Simeon calmly talking about their last challenge and facing each other for the top prize. This is the only reality show in which there is no drama between the contestants. I guess that is what happens when you put a bunch of guys with low self-esteem together. You’re not going to get many arguments.

For our first challenge we are going to test precision and speed, which sounds more apt for a Quickfire on Top Chef than this show. The goal will be to go out into the field and kiss a girl in the shortest amount of time possible. Mystery at least tempers that command by saying “using the proper techniques”, which is good and probably will result in slightly lower lawyer fees for this season. And we can all be happy that the challenge is not to see who could cop a feel first at least in terms of feeling proud of the human species.

They enter the club and we get a running clock as well. Both use their standard Dirty Dancing and Ocean’s Eleven openers that sound as dumb now as they did two months ago. Simeon isolates a blonde while Matt gains a two set and they all sit down right next to each other. Well, guess this makes it easier for the cameramen. Matt has his main target stolen from him and we all get to watch him shake his head in disgust and then go, “Oh well, guess I’ll go for the other one instead.” They both kiss close in under sixteen minutes, thus giving all of us a standard to measure ourselves against every night at the bar. I’ll be sure to use my cell phone as a stop watch to be sure. Simeon wins for crossing the line first.

We are then introduced to the idea behind the final challenge. Matador has invited a number of Perfect 10’s over to the house and it is up to our contestants to seduce them and bring them back to their bedrooms. And show them their comic book collection, or maybe their etchings. Since Simeon wins he gets the Master Bedroom while Matt gets his parents’ basement (actually he just gets the smaller room though that would be awesome). They even get to go furniture shopping to flesh out their bachelor pads even though I think I’ve done a better job than either of them have.

And now we are at the final field test so for one last time, let’s bring on the skanks!

(Before I get hate mail, let’s look at the facts. These are all friends of Mystery, who is known to have a television show. They are arriving at a house that clearly has a full camera crew assembled. They know what the deal is. This is not like meeting girls in a coffee shop in Austin like in the first season.)

We get various scenes of the guys talking to women and both opening up a two set and bringing them back to their respective bedrooms. Simeon almost puts one’s eye out (with a champagne cork, get your mind out of the gutter) while Matt has the two girls sit on his bed while he stands up and gives a lecture in his suit and tie. Seriously Matt, even I don’t do that. Simeon is also shot down as his twosome are a lot less skanky than I previously supposed. So, like all good pick up artists he dumps them and ignores them for the rest of the night as he picks up a buxom blonde, brings her up to his room and starts macking on her. Matt replies in kind by isolating one of his original girls, bringing her to the bedroom, and getting his groove on.

This brings us to the final ceremony. My vote (as I have the show on pause at the moment) is for Simeon to win. Matt has everything I would think women would want in a guy. Good looking, smart, nice, all of which I have learned makes you a horrible pick up artist. Simeon, on the other hand, has the piercings, cowboy hat and manic energy that would make him fit right in along side Mystery and Kosmo. Matador would kick his ass though.

After much deliberation, and a few last speeches, Mystery agrees and names Simeon as The Pick Up Artist. He wins fifty grand, the final medallion and the chance to carry Mystery’s bags around the country for the next year. I’ll have to say Simeon made a hell of a lot of progress. He went from being a hyper rooster who I thought was on drugs to being someone who, while still a little high energy, definitely has a sense of style and purpose about him.

A fun season as always but as the boom shot during the closing shows, a little too fake this time around. There was no coffee shop challenge (which was inspiring), no picking up a woman on a bridge (a restraining order waiting to happen) and no picking up a stripper (still one of the most memorable pieces of television ever). While we did have a grocery store challenge I have a sinking feeling that was done on a stage as I have never seen a grocery store with a hand written sign reading “vegetables” on the wall. As for the entire concept of being a Pick Up Artist I guess it all is a matter of degrees. The ideas are sound: be confident, take an interest in others, and have fun. I still dislike the made up stories and conquest aspect of the whole endeavor but like I said, it is all a matter of degrees. I’ve learned things so who knows, maybe I’ll be wearing the top hat soon enough.

Wednesday Night Music Club: For those of you who have been following me on Facebook you have probably noticed that I have been in a dark mood as of late. Lots of reasons behind it, most of which I don’t feel like getting into here. But I will share what I listen to in order to sense a bit more of the wonder in the world. I think every alarm clock should be replaced by Polyphonic Spree songs. Mornings would be much happier places.

The Polyphonic Spree MTV Music

Home is where you find it

Well I am back home again, home being another word for “where my stuff, and more importantly Natalie the Laptop, is.” I can’t say that I have become accustomed to having Delaware be my home quite yet. I haven’t even felt quite at home in my new apartment. I blame the hardwood floors. While they are really sweet and make the place look great it doesn’t have that homey feel of having fluffy carpet underneath your bare feet. Instead I feel like I’m on a gym floor with the coach getting ready to yell at me for wearing the wrong shoes.

It has been a fun few days as I have flown from Philly to Chicago on Wednesday (easiest flight with empty seats), back to Philly on Saturday (full plane but still on time), then off to Indianapolis on Sunday (full plane, several hours delayed, no beverage service and the unnerving realization that one is willingly going to Indiana) and then finally back to Philly today. It is not a surprise that given all of this travelling and the fact that I hung around with my eight nieces and nephews that I am now dealing with a seriously nasty head cold. This happens after every Thanksgiving. I should just immediately write off the next week because I know that I will have a cold. Too many people on planes with no fresh air.

Switching gears, since I was stuck in a hotel this morning I ended up watching the morning news. Apparently Brittney Spears’ birthday is an official news event as it was covered on every channel I turned to. I know that she has a new album and all, and that there is always a measurable probability that she will spontaneously combust, but I’m really at a loss as to how this counts as news. Sure, she performed in a circus tent in New York (no word on whether she was a) shot from a cannon, b) performed on a trapeze, or c) had to do that bit with the spinning plates that they always gave the least talented person on Circus of the Stars) but I really don’t think we need to cover it. There is a slight chance that if we stopped paying attention she would go away.

(Plus, unless My Beloved Lindsay gets equal time I must protest on general principle.)

Changing gears once again: Did they turn the lights on again in Kansas City? Just want to make sure that was done in my absence. Actually, in my five years in Kansas City I never saw the Plaza lighting or went to the St. Patrick’s Day parade. The first was because I always went home for Thanksgiving and the latter was because, well, I lived closer to bars than the parade route so I never quite made it there.

This brings me back to the start of the post. How long it takes me to feel at home. As much as I knew from the start that Kansas City was just a stopping point it did turn into home for me near the end. I do find myself missing things, or at least the convenience the town had. I certainly miss the bars, which really matched my style, and the music scene. I fit in pretty well there. It wasn’t a perfect fit but maybe I give it a little too much grief than I should.

Best of 120 Minutes: Since I didn’t post on Sunday I thought that I would make it up here. Consider it more of your Alternative Nation moment for the day. In honor of the election cycle here is everyone’s favorite socialist Billy Bragg. Watch for the cameos by Michael Stipe and Peter Buck of R.E.M. and, if I remember correctly, the house is Bill Berry’s. So this is really an R.E.M. video without the guy with the glasses.

Billy Bragg MTV Music

Helping your self

Sorry for the missed post last night. Let's just say that travelling for business tied with the end of a holiday travel weekend tied with some really nasty weather resulted in a much later night than I had previously expected. Also, this will result in a delay in my coverage of The Pick Up Artist Season 2 Finale. I know that this will be very disappointing to many of you. But look, if your goal is to meet the love of your life by picking up some drunk floozy at a bar I'm pretty sure that waiting one more day will not result in too much struggle.

(However, I love the fact at how upset people can get when flights are delayed. As if by getting upset they will have any impact on getting to their destination faster. Whereas in a car you can yell at someome for dawdling over the magazine rack for a few minutes too long when you are at the airport there is nothing for you to do other than sit there and wait. So do just that, saves a lot of hassle.)

(Oh and Notre Dame played football this weekend? I didn't notice.)

Given my time spent at airports I did have a chance to read a few books. The one I want to discuss is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. You have heard of this one, it is based on the famous lecture given by a Carnegie Mellon computer science professor who was dying of cancer and how even though he was facing a terminal illness he could still be happy knowing that he had achieved all of his childhood dreams.

It took me a few months to pick up this book. Partly because one of the first times I went to pick it up a friend of mine asked me: "Why would you ever want to listen to someone else tell you how to live your life?" In some ways it is a valid point. It does say something about our society in that bookstores have aisle after aisle of self-help books and instruction manuals as we all hope to find that bullet point list that we can follow in order to finally be happy. The thing is that doesn't exist and it never will. Life is just never that simple.

But even with that said one can still find much value in listening to another person's ideas on the subject. This book doesn't really cover anything that you don't already know (stay positive, work hard, always be open to new opportunities) but sometimes you need to hear things in a different format for them to make sense. The Last Lecture didn't cause me to slap my hand across my forehead and go "so that is what I've been doing wrong all of these years" but it did help shed some light on what is my biggest issue.

Which is that at times I wonder if my life is stuck in a meaningless cycle. Get up, go to work, eat, watch tv, go to sleep, repeat as necessary. I've been trying to think about past conversations and past events recently and they all seem to get muddled up with all of this meaningless plablum that fills up my life. While it is nice to make a living on knowing trivia at the end of the day it is not what you want to have to show for your entire life. And maybe that is what I am taking from reading this book. Try to really embrace the wonder and opportunity of every day of your life. I really wish that I can figure out a way to make this happen.

2008 Holiday Viewing Guide

If you are like me and have finished your Thanksgiving Dinner, hidden in the basement to avoid washing dishes and/or talking to relatives and are trying to come to grips that you just lost a hondo on the Lions (damn you Dante Culpepper) that can mean only one thing: it is time to plan your holiday TV schedule. Lucky for you I have scoured the television listings and can provide you with the ultimate in television experience. All shows are real and times are in CST (as this is based off of a Chicago Sun-Times list). Also, please note that if financial conditions have resulted in Christmas being cancelled this year please use this list as a way to remember how great this season used to be before the world collapsed. Or watch The Road as that will make a wonderful post-apocalyptic holiday tale. Here we go.

Thursday, Nov. 27:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): Yes I know that this has already occurred. However, I would be amiss if I did not mention this holiday classic, including the giant turkey float and poorly lip synched Broadway show tunes, for two specific reasons. One, Miley Cyrus performed because it is now a law that Miley Cyrus performs at every event. Two, there was a giant Smurf balloon this year. Just the concept of a giant smurf is enough to make me smile.

Mircale on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): Again in the past but this is the woderful 1947 version. However, I am not sure if this was the romantic and blissful black and white version or the colorized version in which Natalie Wood looks as though she spent six months in Chernobyl and is ready to destroy New York.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (7 PM, ABC): One of the lesser known Peanuts special. I assume popcorn is involved. And maybe a subplot about Woodstock being quite upset about the entire holiday being centered around the eating of a fellow bird. I doubt that he will be happy at the dinner table to say the least.

An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving (8 PM, Hallmark): Watch as Jacquelline Bisset plays a puritan who unwittingly infects the indigenous people with smallpox. Oops, sorry, wrong show. Single mom, wealthy mother, insert typical Hallmark ploy.

Fruday, November 28:
Elf (6 PM, USA): Let's say you were forced to watch a Will Ferrell movie over the holidays. Since they are all the same I guess it really doesn't matter which one you pick. This one at least has Bob Newhart in it. You could probably change channels after his scenes are done.

Silver Bells (6 PM, Hallmark): A visiting farmer falls for a New York widow. Discovers said widow is in fact Anne Heche. Hilarity ensues. Farmer ends up fleeing to the countryside as he realizes the true meaning of Christmas is to spend as much time with cows as possible.

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (9 PM, Comedy Central): Yes, Jeff Dunham has a Woozle and his name is Peanut. Do you know when I first saw his act? When I was in high school! And he is still bringing out that damn Woozle! If you want to spend your Friday night watching a ventriloquist perform go right ahead. In my book they are just slightly ahead of mimes.

Saturday, November 29
One Magic Christmas (10 AM, Hallmark): A 6 year old restores her mom's holiday spirit. Then ruins it when on Christmas morning she throws a huge fit when she is given the wrong American Girl doll. "I wanted Kit! Can't you do anything right?"

A Very Married Christmas (2 PM, Lifetime): Ok, here is the actual review I have in front of me. "A man learns just before the holiday that his cheating wife wants a divorce". Thank you, Lifetime. This is quite possibly the most cynical concept behind a holiday movie ever made.

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus / Meet the Santas (4 PM and 6 PM. Hallmark): A double dose of Steve Guttenberg as Santa's son needs to find a wife and, of course, hilarity ensues. Actually, how tough would it be to be Santa's kid. You're stuck at the North Pole and there are absolutely no women around. Even as a kid while the elves were your size they were all like five hundred years old and probably just hang out back after work smoking and playing cards. And dad will never let you take Rudolph out for a ride. You're only trusted with Blitzen. Tough life.

The Santa Clause (6:15 PM, TBS): Tim Allen in a fat suit. Ok, a fatter suit.

Sunday, November 30
The Christmas Shoes (8 PM, Lifetime): Rob Lowe is a workaholic lawyer who crosses paths with a boy on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen this but I am going to guess that the boy teaches Rob Lowe that money and success is no replacement for human connections and the feeling of pride after helping one's fellow man. Also, since this is on Lifetime I am guessing that Meredith Baxter Birney also makes an appearance.

Monday, December 1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7:30 PM, ABC): This is the classic animated special. As someone whose cardiologist did diagnose him with having Grinch syndrome I would like to state that my heart is not, in fact, three sizes to small. I contend that my heart is properly sized, it is my body that is three sizes too large. Plus, those bastards in Whoville got what they deserved. Their incessant singing creates an immense amount of noise pollution in addition to the waste of natural resources tied to their decorations.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): This would be the woefully unfunny Jim Carrey version. Hey, ever want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Nope, me neither.

Tuesday, December 2
Larry the Cable Guy's Star Studded Christmas Extravaganza (9 PM, CMT): Oh for crying out loud. Really people? I mean, what the hell? We take a day that is meant to commemorate the birth of our savior, the moment in which God allows himself to enter the world in human form as a helpless and innocent child, and celebrate it by watching Larry the Cable Guy? Is that what this holiday has come to? Jeff Foxworthy makes an appearance, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (10 PM, Hallmark): Great scheduling by the Hallmark people here as I assume that a number of little girls will be allowed to stay up until 10 on a school night to watch this one. And again, why does Kit get short changed on this? Totally unfair.

Wednesday, December 3
Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): I still say this should just be called "Hermie the Misfit Elf and friends" but that is just me. Look, I might be a cynical bastard but even I smile at Rudolph. And I have tried to mimic Rudolph's voice whenever I say "She thinks I'm cute". Sadly, I don't get to use that impression nearly as much as I would like.

A Christmas Story (7 PM, TNT and roughly every two hours thereafter until you wish for someone to run a backhoe over your cable line): This film has suffered greatly from over-popularity. As a kid this was my film. No one really knew about it but every Christmas you would catch it on HBO and have an absolute blast. Now it has become this big tradition and it spoils the illicit fun of it. As an adult all I do is watch and wonder a) what the hell happened to Peter Billingsly, b) if one ever expected for one of the kids in the film to later appear in a porno and c) why they don't bring Real People starring Skip Stephenson and Sarah Purcell back on the air. Oh, and why we ever thought it was a great idea to arm small children.

Friday Deecmber 5
The Story of Santa Claus (8 PM, WGN): A toymaker is evicted from his shop in this animated special teaching the dangers of subprime lending practices.

Sunday, December 7
A Christmas Carol (9:30 PM, AMC): The story of a succesful businessman whose cost cutting techniques and efficiency improvements make him a leader of industry. Also, teaches the important lesson of using QuickBooks as opposed to a moralistic accountant.

A Christmas Visitor (6 PM, Hallmark): Remind me not to switch to the Hallmark channel in the next month. Here is the synopsis "Tragic news spoils a family's holiday." Sheesh. Can't we have something at least a little upbeat?

Monday December 8
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): I have two words for you; "Hell" and "Yeah". The greatest Christmas special ever. The music, the dancing, Pig Pen playing standup bass, Snoopy winning first prize for his doghouse, Dolly Madison advertisements, Linus' speech, the little Christmas tree and Joy to the World. And yes, this is from someone who has a painting of Snoopy hanging in his living room.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): While Charlie Brown might be the best, this is probably my absolute favorite. A bookish mouse (with glasses and an unbelievable resemblence to myself) writes a letter causing Santa to skip their town. Great songs and an interesting story. I'll always be eight years old whenever I watch it.

Jingle all the Way (7 PM, ABC Family): Governor Schwarzenegger stars with his Secretary of the Interior Sinbad in a film about the importance of using executive privlige to obtain the perfect toy for your family. Only film in history in which a reviewer has used the phrase "Could have used more Sinbad."

Tuesday, December 9
A Garfield Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): Eh, I guess it is about a lazy cat. Lasagna will probably get mentioned at some point. Maybe they'll finally explain why this single guy lives with a cat and a dog that he talks to every day. Nerml might also make an appearance, in case that makes it more interesting for you.

Wednesday. December 10
Home Alone (7 PM, Syndicated): Watch Macauley Culkin commit numerous acts of attempted murder.

Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Taken from the classic A. A. Milne tale....ok, I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the classic stories. I actually have the very copies of the books that I read as a child in my apartment at this moment because Christopher Robin was the only literary character I knew growing up who had the same name as I did. But since I enjoy the characters (as do my nieces and nephews) I can't complain about this as all. Well, other than the fact that grammatically speaking the title should be 'Winnie the Pooh and Christmas As Well!'

Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8 PM, ABC Family): In case you are already tired of Christmas specials and want to get an early jump on New Year's.

Thursday, December 11
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys (8 PM, ABC Family): I really think that the Island of Misfit Toys could carry a special by themselves. They need no additional assistance.

Friday, December 12
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): You know how I mentioned that I like Winnie the Pooh because of Christopher Robin? This is my sister's favorite because it features a Karen. It also teaches children the importance of magic hats and the impact of global warming.

Saturday, December 13
The Little Drummer Boy and The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (8 AM and 8:30 AM, ABC Family): Less an animated special and more of one hour of sonic torture as the song is played on an infinite loop. I mention this show just so parents will find a way to get their children away from the television set for this one.

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1 PM, ABC Family): Ok, when the hell did they make all these additional specials? When I was a kid you had the two Rudolph's (Xmas and New Year's) and one Frosty. Now they have one for July? Why, is this so kids in Australia don't feel left out? Talk about the commercialization of Christmas. I didn't realize that Frost the Snowman was a brand.

It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): Do you know that I still haev not seen this movie? I have gone my entire life without watching more than five minutes of it. That might explain an awful lot when you come to think of it.

Sunday, December 14
The Santa Clause 2 (7 PM, ABC): Tim Allen: We can make him fatter and jollier. We can make his belly roll like a spoonful of jelly. We just can't make him funny.

Holiday in Handcuffs (3 PM, ABC Family): This one sounds like it should be on either Hallmark or Lifetime. "A waitress kidnaps a hunk to join her at Christmas." It does explain what Melissa Joan Hart has been doing these past couple of years, though.

Monday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Anything that features Rerun is worth watching. My favorite Rerun quote is from when the teacher asked the class if it had any suggestions for storytime, "Yes, can we hear the part where Anna Karennina throws herself under the train. No? Sigh. Alright, let's hear about Jack and Jill again."

Wednesday, December 17
A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (7 PM, NBC): Note to people buying me gifts. Fozzy Bear collection of the Muppet Show. That is all. I need my Pigs in Space.

A Christmas Carol (8 PM, TNT): Captain Picard beams down to Victorian England to learn improved management techniques from the master.

Friday, December 19
A Holly Jolly Pops Holiday with the Barenaked Ladies (9 PM, PBS): I guess we are all going to ignore the cocaine charge that the lead singer was just hit with. Just a thought, PBS, you might want to check into those things before you build the programming schedule.

Saturday, December 20
A Very Brady Christmas (8 AM, ABC Family): As much as I would like to relive my childhood and watch the Brady Bunch if I am getting up that early on a Saturday morning the Snorks better be on. Followed by Dungeons and Dragons, Shirt Tales and Superstars of Wrestling.

Christmas in Wonderland (7 PM, ABC Family): This stars Patrick Swayze and Carmen Electra. I'm not even going to bother explaining the plot. If that doesn't catch your eye nothing will.

Sunday, December 21
Lights: Celebrate Hanukkah Live in Concert (11 AM, PBS): Ooh, a multi-cultural holiday special. On an eighteen page print out this was the only one I could find so you should probably watch it.

Christmas Day
The Yule Log (1:30 AM, WGN): Because nothing beats Christmas in front of an open fire than Christmas in front of a television set replicating an open fire.

Have a happy holidays everyone!

The level of courtesy required

I'm not sure what the following story says about me or society in general. I have been wondering lately if I have gotten a touch too cynical, or at least very dark-hearted about the world around me. Maybe this story explains where my head is at.

I've mentioned before that I now live in a high rise apartment. As a result, this is the first time in my life where I live in a building where I have to take an elevator on a daily basis. I didn't even have to do that in my dorm at college. This does force me into a fair bit of human interaction though not as much as one would expect. I apparently run on a different schedule than most of the people in my building as the elevator is typically empty when I get on. But this week I had a very interesting experience.

So I get home after working late and I'm in the lobby with two people who have gotten there before me. One of whom has a large number of shopping bags. They had already called for the elevator and when the doors open we all get in plus one other person on ahead of me. We all press our floor numbers except for the guy with the shopping bags, something that we all fail to notice until he sarcastically blurts out the following:

"Isn't anyone going to ask me my floor number?"

The degree to which this statement pissed me off really frightens me. His tone was just so accusatory as if the other three of us were just so pathetic that we lacked the common human decency to ask someone with bags what their floor was. And maybe there is something to be said for that but all I could think of was the following.

1) How the hell was I supposed to know to ask? There were three numbers pressed and a likelihood that one of them was the floor you wanted. 2) Why didn't you just say "Could someone punch 12 for me?" I would not have a single problem with that and would gladly do so. In fact, that is what I have done in similar circumstances. I've never taken it to be a god given right that complete strangers will preemptively bow to my every whim just because I have my hands full.

I left the elevator pissed off. I was upset that someone would dare try to guilt trip me just because I didn't go out of my way to assist someone I didn't know needed assisting. I'm not sure that I like having that feeling. Yes, I pride myself on being tough and living a take no prisoners, use every ounce of energy you have lifestyle. Henry Rollins would be very proud of my reaction, except that he would have encouraged me to swear at the guy as I left the elevator. The thing is, I'm not sure if that is who I really am.

I'm a nice guy. I go out of my way for people. I've said on occasion that I'm more interested in making other people happy than I am about making myself happy and I really think that is true. It's really the only way to explain the path my life has taken. And recently I wonder if that nice guy has just taken a few too many beatings and is being replaced with someone with a much harder edge. Someone who carries less guilt for not being perfect to all people at all times. While that probably makes me more like everyone else in the world I don't think I like it. I don't like being mean and I have a feeling that I am on that path.

It's something for me to think about at least. For my American readers, have a very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow. For those from different lands, have fun in the office suckers. We've at least been smart enough to schedule holidays to provide for a four day weekend. Now if we were only smart enough to do so in nice weather.

No, URLOTHD

Some notes prior to the unofficial holiday tomorrow. See, I remember when the day after Thanksgiving was not an official holiday from a company perspective. You would actually have to take a vacation day to get a four day weekend. Now not only is the four day weekend a mandate (because otherwise our economy would collapse (or collapse even further) but it is assumed that no one will perform actual work on Wednesday. So much for a productive society.

From the “More Things Change the More They Stay the Same” file I came across the following two personalized license plates while driving on Sunday and they both filled me with a sense of anger and annoyance. Here they are…

IMLOVED: So whoop dee doo. You are loved. And you are apparently so confident of that fact that you feel the need to prove it via a license plate. All you are doing is arrogantly stating how happy you are. You know what? Screw you! The rest of us on the highway are bitter, emotionless shells of human beings who perform an endless array of farcical tasks on the infinitesimal hope that one day things will be slightly less sucky than they are right now. The last thing I want to see while driving is a reminder of how pathetic my life is. I think running that car off the road would be fully justified.

(Yeah, it hasn’t been the best few weeks in the relationship department for good old EC)

NO9TO5: I’m sorry but what could anyone have against Dolly Parton. Sure I can fully understand a dislike of Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin is a bit of an acquired taste but how could anyone make a public stand against a film that features Dolly Parton in all of her glory. Plus, it features the comical stylings of Dabney Coleman best known for roles in such films as…ok, he was in like three thousand films but none of them are coming to mind right now. But still, it is Dabney F’n Coleman. I see no reason to be protesting this film.

Switching gears, apparently Batman is going to follow in the footsteps of Superman, Captain America, numerous Flashes, and Uncle Ben and be killed off in the comic books. Sure, it will vaguely make sense. Batman is just a guy and you would think at some point someone would have come up with the bright idea of, I don’t know, shooting the guy but I’m not too sure I like this idea of bringing realism into comic books. Bruce Wayne has been Batman for seventy years and you know why that is the case? Because we really like having Bruce Wayne as Batman. We don’t want Dick Grayson or Tim Drake or whoever else they find on the scrapheap to replace him. We want the brooding old man. And let’s face it, we’re just going to find a way to resurrect him in a year anyway.

Also, I am so pissed that protestors have shut down the Bangkok airport. My flight connects through there. Sure, it takes me three days to get home but I got a really cheap fare.

Finally, a reason to read the blog over the holidays. On Thursday night I plan to provide my Holiday Season Television Guide. Don’t trust what you might find in some strange, archaic piece of communication colloquially referred to as a “newspaper”. Only at Battling the Current will you find out what to watch, where to watch it, and how much nog is required for you to adequately accept the fact that Larry the Cable Guy has a Christmas special. Should be great.

But Lava Girl Cannot Love Icicle Boy!

Many people have raised concerns about my embracing of schadenfreude in both the blog and my personal life. They worry about what it means when I spend pages making a mockery of other’s dating techniques or performing a victory dance when the executive who was most responsible for my not only quitting a job but also moving across the country just so I wouldn’t be in the geographic vicinity when the company imploded. Does it indicate that I am a shallow, spiteful, bitter man? Probably, but boy does it feel good.

On to the home stretch as the Triad face off in order to gain a spot in the finals.

Episode 7: Has Anyone Ever Told You How Much You Look Like Mary Worth?

When last we left the Four Horsemen they learned the tricks of the trade on how to pick up women in a supermarket. “The Total Package” Matt focused on shopping and failed while “The Enforcrer” Rian used his crowbar of love to gain a girl’s trust and phone number. In the tag team challenge, Matt teamed with “The Nature Boy” Simeon and took some girls for a ride on Space Mountain. However, “The Wolverine” Greg turned on his partner Rian and eliminated him from competition. Who will survive the Thunderdome Death Match to make the finals? Let’s find out.

We start with the usual waiting to see who comes out from behind the curtain from the elimination room. The first show that figures out a way to avoid this cliché will gain a lot of points in my book. For this week’s competition we decide to redo last year’s final competition in which the guys have to teach their pick-up skills to one of the unwashed masses. In this case, one of their friends from the comic book shop back home. I’m sorry but if we are going to redo challenges couldn’t we at least do the one about picking up strippers again? Do you know how much material I have on that subject? Wait, that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to.

Looking at the friends Greg has a guy from Utah who well, looks like someone who might possibly show up on your doorstep and wish to have a friendly conversation with you. Simeon has his fraternity buddy who just looks like a guy who has worn shorts every day for the past seven years regardless of situation or temperature. And Matt’s friend is pretty much Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. They all get remade with new outfits and hairstyles, which was interesting when I used to watch it on Queer Eye but now seems rather boring. Simeon gets his buddy to get his lip pierced. You know, I’ve picked up a friend’s girlfriend at the airport but even I would draw the line at piercings just so my buddy could get to hang out with Mystery all day.

(The Flaming Lips just got used as some of the background music. Sigh. I’m sorry Wayne, I’m sure you didn’t mean it to end up this way.)

We get numerous scenes of the guys training each other. Simeon gets rather close with his partner; I’m not sure if that is quite the best way to teach a kiss close. Matt’s friend doesn’t really seem to be into it. At some point you would have to get self-conscious. Anyway, the challenge is obvious. We send the newbies into the club. Whoever does the best wins. Whoever gets maced loses. Much like life in that respect.

Greg’s friend does a quick lap of the bar, talks to no one, and does not smile. Greg goes in to save him and gives him the advice “be confident”. Matador calls him out on it by saying, “I hate it when people say that. What the hell does it mean? It’s not an instruction.” Thank you Matador! I’ve been trying to tell every person who has given me that advice for the past decade the exact same thing. Seriously, I’m just going to hire Matador to hang out with me from now on.

Matt’s friend and Thing stunt double is next into the club. He should be able to attract women by gravity alone. He looks none to happy to even be in the club as he looks like, well, like most of the guys who hang out at the bars I go to. The type of guy whose hand is never more than six inches from his beer at a time. Matt gives him some advice and makes him smile and this results in a set opening that actually goes some distance before it derails. Still, not bad for a guy who doesn’t want to be there.

Simeon’s high impact teaching technique seems to pay dividends. His buddy immediately goes into a set even though it fails. Simeon then gives him step by step instructions, including I believe bringing a whiteboard into the club to diagram precisely what he is doing wrong. This leads his buddy into another set where he ignores the massive bald guy who looks like he is about to pummel him and somehow gets a number. Not a bad job at all and Simeon wins and makes the final two.

Greg and Matt have the usual kvetching over who will be eliminated. In a nutshell, Greg did a poor job at teaching his student while Matt did a poor job of inspiring his. My choice is for Matt to continue on. Partly because I don’t want him to be punished for having less to work with but mainly because Greg has disappointed me in his complete lack of progress. The guy shouldn’t even need the show and if he is trying to be an actor he doesn’t deserve to be in even the same room as Matador. And Mystery agrees with me so it is Matt and Simeon in the finals.

Next week: The Final Showdown. Pickup Thunderdome. Two men, a goat, and a jar of mayonnaise enter. Only one man (and possibly the goat) leaves. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion.

We are...oh why bother

Fandom is a rather strange thing. It is not something you can casually acquire. Several people have asked if I was really into the Phillies World Series run given how I now live here. I mean, this was the first time in my life that I actually lived within an hour of a city that won a World Series. You would think that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to spend my evenings in bars and celebrate with absolute strangers. But I didn’t because all I would be doing is going “Go team from my vague geographic location!” It’s one thing to cheer a team because you follow and believe in them. It is another to cheer for a team because you drive to their city to catch a flight out of town.

As a result, something like the Eagles loss today doesn’t bother me at all. In fact I can laugh at the entire comical nature of it. Donovan McNabb being benched for either poor play or the fact that he was wearing either hand warmers or those huge Hulk fists on the sidelines. A guy named Kevin Kolb being brought on to quarterback an NFL team. The Eagles giving up a 108 yard interception return in which the entire team, and several guys on the bench, missed opportunities to make a tackle. I can watch all this with a sense of bemusement much in the same way I look at the Chiefs and wonder what it must be like in Kansas City now that they have no professional sports.

But Notre Dame football is a different matter. Now I did not grow up a Notre Dame fan. In fact, I was pretty anti-Notre Dame as a kid. I know that that is a little shocking to most people, especially given that I’m an Irish Catholic kid from the South Side of Chicago, but it is true. My mom went to DePaul and I grew up watching and cheering for DePaul basketball and that meant booing Notre Dame. Then as I got older I couldn’t get myself behind a school that always seemed to arrogantly pride itself on being better than everyone else. So I became a fan of Duke indicating that I did not truly understand the concept of irony until I was well into my twenties.

But I did have a change of heart when I went to ND for business school and after two years there I truly became a fan. My fall is scheduled around Notre Dame games. I’ll sit on my couch and watch and cheer and I’ll make my way to a game or two every season. I even went to a road game this year as the Navy game was a short drive from me. It is what a fan is supposed to do. You support your team at all times.

But man, did yesterday’s game disappoint me in ways I never thought I could experience (and this is coming from someone who has been dumped in more cruel and diabolical ways than anyone else known to man.) We were up against Syracuse, which just has a horrible team. They were ranked in the 100ths in both offense and defense with a coach that had been fired and is now simply serving out his contract. Meanwhile, Notre Dame was looking for their seventh win and an opportunity to go to a bowl game that pays more than what the team deserves to receive.

So what happens? They play horribly. When turnovers give them the ball on the opponents twenty they have to settle for field goals. Their lone touchdown of the first half should have been called back for pass interference. They build a lead in the third quarter so I decide to watch the remainder of the game while on the treadmill. Thus I got to watch the team squander possession after possession until Syracuse wins it in the final minute. I’m happy that I was putting in three miles because that at least made the afternoon somewhat worthwhile. At least I accomplished something, which is more than the team did.

I’ll still support the team and cheer and do all the things that fans do. We are fans, all we know how to do is follow our team. But that was just a sad, lifeless showing by the team. It is not in the least the way Notre Dame is supposed to play or represent themselves. I’m really hoping that things can turn around but this is the first time in a while that I wanted to turn the television off in disgust.

Best of 120 Minutes: It is the holiday season and no better way to start off the week of Thanksgiving than a video by The Cranberries. Yes, I’m forced to continue with musical puns. I’m not sure if this band lived up to their potential or not other than at one point in time I think every guy on the planet had a crush on Dolores O’Rioreden. Watching this video again reminds me why.

The Cranberries MTV Music

All aboard the pop culture express

As I wait in line with a large number of teenage girls prior to the midnight showing of Twilight (uh, that statement reads a lot worse now that I have written it) I thought that I would address some of the questions that have been posed to me in the comments over the past week as well as just some other random bits that have been unable to find their home in any of the other posts.

I have watched the Star Trek trailer and I’ll say that I am cautiously optimistic about it. It automatically wins a place in my heart by having Kirk mention his middle name of Tiberius in the first twenty seconds of the trailer. That and having Simon Pegg as young Scotty will be so totally awesome that the word awesome will need to be redefined. Spock seems to be well cast but I am not sold on Kirk yet. On first glance it seems to be Kirk as whiny Emo boy and I’m not sure if that is right. He should be brash and arrogant to be sure but I worry that they will make him too conflicted. Also, this is an odd numbered Star Trek film so we shouldn’t get our hopes up to begin with.

The film that I am totally stoked for (assuming that the lawsuit gets settled and it can actually be released) is Watchmen. First off, it is based on the graphic novel that is as close to literature as I have ever encountered. The story (about what if costumed heroes existed in the real world without any special powers) is so engrossing and I have dreamed of seeing Rorschach on the big screen. The trailer looks like the comic come to life with even Dr. Manhattan being properly represented. I’m worried that the story will be V for Vendetta’d in that it is ripped of much of its allegorical power in order to become a more palatable two hour film. It will be fascinating to watch.

The other film that I am really curious about is The Road. Based on what I consider to be one of the best written books of the past decade (Cormac McCarthy’s writing style in creating an apolocalyptic world is mesmerizing) it is quite possibly the most unfilmable book ever. Not in terms of plot or setting. In that sense it is a very simple adaptation. It is just that the book is the most depressing thing I have ever read. There is beauty and honor in its darkness but it is just continual suffering. I just don’t know how you turn that into something that people can sit in a theater for two hours and withstand.

Apologies for no new How I Met Your Mother reviews as I am now two weeks behind on my watching (similar with Big Bang Theory). I’m hoping to get some time this weekend to just veg out in front of the tv and empty the DVR. Basically I have been completely swamped at work and a stretch of twelve hour days has caused me to greatly reduce my television viewing. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? I spend all this time working so I can afford the large television set but I never get to enjoy it.

I have watched the new season of Top Chef, though. It is in New York this year so we can expect a season that thinks it is superior to all of the other seasons just because of where it is even though the Chicago season is in reality better in every way. I’ve already lost my favorite contestant, or at least the contestant that I would most like to date, as Jill was eliminated this week after deciding “Let’s see if I can cook an ostrich egg” and failing miserably. It is a general rule that for every reality show I find one contestant who I follow just because I think she is pretty and cool. For Project Runway this was the eventual winner Leanne. Sadly, Jill, whose main culinary skills were being tall and having a wry smile, did not last as long. Now I’ll just have to watch annoying Europeans explain why they are better than Americans week after week.

(But yes, even if you gave me 45 minutes for a hot dog challenge all I would do is make a Chicago dog. Why change from the best?)

Musical Questions That Require Answers

Dear MacArthur Foundation,

I would like to request a Genius Grant in order to pursue additional research into the following musical questions. With adequate funding I truly believe that I would be able to conclusively solve the following conundrums of our time.

· Would Jenny really go through the hassle of calling up the phone company, filling out the proper forms, waiting for the service technician and notifying all of her friends and family of her new number just so someone would not be able to make her his? Especially in the days before email and cellular technology. Also, even if she did change her number wouldn’t you just be able to mail her a letter instead? Her number is obviously listed so you should be able to access her address as well.

· Why are we constantly waiting on Eileen? No one really likes her and she is such a pain in the ass when it comes to showing up on time. Maybe we should just not invite her next time.

· In fact Eileen, if you would have shown up when you were supposed to we would be more than halfway there already. Now I have to take you by the hand and promise on my immortal soul that we will make it there. Why must I put my spiritual existence on the line just because you needed to make sure your hair was perfect?

· With proper safety equipment would I be able to touch this? Perhaps robots could be constructed in order to satisfy the tactile requirements or will mere physical pressure cause the inherent instability of this to cause a catastrophic failure?

· If everyone on the planet simultaneously jumped around would the resulting impact on the earth’s surface result in a shifting of the planet’s orbit thus possibly negating our ability to get down?

· Can we twist again like we did last summer if in fact we did not twist in the previous year? Hypothetically speaking, if one had just spent twelve months in a full body cast would they then be required to stand perfectly still? Also, does this create the possibility of an infinite loop in which every summer must be spent in a twisting fashion?

· From a philosophical, ethical and theological standpoint is it more important to have one’s mind on their money or their money on their mind? In addition, what is the proper beverage to imbibe in while contemplating this dilemma?

· What is the financial and ecological impact of letting the dogs out? How many additional city and state employees will be required to sufficiently limit the societal impact of the roving packs that will most certainly result from such an event?

· Can one construct a standard metric of sexiness in order to determine the precise moment at which one’s sexiness would result in the need of having haberdashers taking extra precautions in designing one’s accessories?

· At what pace must one walk 500 miles (with the measurable probability of walking an additional 500 miles) to reach the destination of one’s beloved prior to her a) moving on with her life and dating a guy she met at the gym or b) having one’s appearance on her doorstep greeted with “Why didn’t you just rent a car, moron!”?

· Given that the question of what is love is beyond the scope of my study, would it still be possible to ensure that one would love another being to an unspecified endpoint? Must both the timeframe and the emotion in question be defined prior to the declaration in order to make it binding in a court of law?

· Finally, can we conclusively determine whether Jeremy inflicts an act of premeditated terror upon his classmates or is it an act of self-destruction aimed at raising a mirror to a vain, petty, painful and utterly pointless teenage existence?

I thank you in advance for your financial assistance.

EC
Named by the Society of Music Theory in 2007 as “The Man Who Put the Bop in the Bop Shoo Bop Shoo Bop”

Wednesday Night Music Club: Since moving out to the East Coast there has been much that has made me miss Kansas. Well, some people of course but nothing cultural. That is until this weekend when The Get Up Kids played a reunion concert three blocks from my old apartment. I am so unbelievably bummed that I was not able to be there. Their farewell concert is still one of my favorite shows ever and it is great to see that they have decided to get together for a few shows. Here is an early video from back when they really were just a bunch of kids from Olathe.

It will always be 1989

I have two comments on my picture of the Rock and Roll Express last night. The first is that between this picture and what I learned by reading Bret “The Hitman” Hart’s autobiography it is clear that pretty much every person I watched wrestle in the 80’s was on cocaine. Second is that while that picture shows two of the dorkiest guys you could ever imagine they were easily the most popular people in wrestling at the time. Women went nuts for them. If they wrestled today they would be laughed out of the building but back in the 80’s they were the biggest thing going.

(Yes, I read my yearly pro wrestling autobiography. Bret Hart detailed his career over more than 500 pages. Yes, someone could write that many words about a sport in which everything is pre-determined. However, if you ever want to know what really goes on backstage as well as read up on one of the most dysfunctional families ever it is a great book. At times tragic and other times funny, a very memorable read.)

In celebrity news this week, Michael Jackson claimed that he was too sick to travel to a court date. He declined to define the term “sick” though. Was he physically ill, suffering from a malady, or is just so batshit insane that he cannot physically climb into a metal box to be transported to the courthouse? I’m not sure if anyone in pop culture history has imploded in such a fascinating way as Michael Jackson. We give Brittney a lot of crap for shaving off her hair but that is nothing compared to Michael. Her hair grew back. He looks absolutely nothing like he did twenty years ago and is so meaningless from a pop culture perspective that he has become his own parody. Weird Al looks at him and goes “Why bother?”

On that same wavelength we do have the release of the new Guns N Roses album. Yes, Chinese Democracy is finally going to be upon us after a good decade of waiting. I still remember in college having a discussion as to whose career would you rather manage: Michael Jackson’s or Guns N Roses’. At the time they were both the biggest acts on the planet. In the end you would want neither of them. Pearl Jam would have been a decent alternative (they always made a good living touring, though not massively successful).

Now I was never really a metal guy but I am wondering who this new GNR album is for. Just from a marketing perspective it seems like an odd sell. Is it for people in their 30s and 40s who listened to the band in high school and college? Don’t you outgrow that music? I can’t see a teenager wanting it. “Yeah, let’s get that disc from that strange old man yelling into the microphone.” Remember, most people now know Bret Michaels from Rock of Love than from Poison. I’m certain people will buy it out of curiosity but I don’t think anyone really wants to listen to it. They might want to hear it; but not really listen to it.

I’ll end with one last pop culture tidbit and a joke that I am borrowing from another website. So PETA assaulted My Beloved Lindsay outside of a club over the weekend. Apparently, they are upset over her wearing fur. In defense of My Beloved, if God didn’t want us to wear fur he wouldn’t have made animals so warm and defenseless. Anyway, the protest involved throwing a white powder on Lindsay as she entered the club. Her reaction?

“Cool! They cover you with blow as you walk in! This club rocks!”

Sigh. One day she’ll realize that I am the only man for her. I’ve got to be moving up the depth chart.

No woman can withstand the magic of the double dropkick

(Since it was asked I’ll have to say that I got even more drenched on Saturday than I did at the West Virginia game but the bigger thing was that it was a different kind of soaking. The West Virginia game was just a long, slow, agonizing drenching that sucked the life out of you but never made you think about leaving the game. This was like having a bucket of water dumped over your head and then being dropped in a wind tunnel. It was honestly the first time I had ever feared for my safety at a sporting event. After all my time in Kansas when the wind picks up that quickly you start looking for the storm cellar. Anyway, on to more pressing matters.)

Time once again to learn the secrets of the Matador. And of Mystery. And of…Tara? Seriously, couldn’t we have given her a cool name like Vixen or something? Also, I wish to have a special episode focusing on how the economic downturn impacts my pick up habits. Should I be more inclined to buy drinks for women as it shows my financial strength? Should I leave a date early by casually mentioning that I need to be at work in the morning? These are vital questions to me.

Episode 6: Those sure look like some ripe melons.

When last we left the five lions of Voltron they were learning how to attract the hired guns. Black Lion Simeon set up a date with a bikini model for a pedicure, Blue Lion Rian questioned his desire to continue on the quest and Yellow Lion Brian was ejected from the team because the Yellow Lion is totally lame. Seriously, who wants to pilot a Yellow Lion? How will are four contestants perform this week. Will any of them be able to wield their magic sword? Only time will tell.

As always we start at the elimination ceremony. Less tears this time around as people start thinking about strategy. The fact that this is a game show about picking up women makes it a very strange dynamic. It’s not like Top Chef where there is a marketable skill being contested. Also, one of them makes a Fantastic Four reference thus resulting in them spending the rest of the night discussing who gets to be Invisible Girl (I’m sorry, I mean Invisible Woman.)

We get what is my favorite challenge of the season: the picking up woman in the supermarket. Sadly, Mystery’s advice as to how to do this is unnecessarily vague. “Don’t get too close”, “tone down your game”, “avoid using negs”. That doesn’t help me. I want pick up lines that reference Tang. I want strategies involving airborne grape assaults. More than anything I want to see if this can possibly work without a restraining order being filed because if so it will make my next trip to Trader Joe’s a lot more interesting.

Matt, other than one decent line, essentially just goes shopping. If you filmed me during my usual trip to the grocery store that is what you would have seen. Rian, who is the person in the show most like me, is a lot more comfortable in a grocery store than a club. I can relate to that; I’m not someone who works well when he has to be on. He just coolly and calmly starts talking to a few women, turns an application of moisturizer into an excuse to play with a girl’s hands, and ends up getting some numbers out of the deal. Damn impressive. I’d be thrilled if I could do that on a regular basis.

Simeon decides to talk to the vegetables as opposed to the woman he is trying to pick up and as a result doesn’t even stop talking as she walks away. He then goes up to another girl, forces a number out of her, and hugs her and kisses her in a scene that creeps even me out. Greg does little more than chit chat and ends up looking like how I assume that I often look: hovering near an attractive woman, quivering with anticipation but never actually moving from the spot that my feet seem to be welded to. Rian wins and it isn’t even a question.

Lesson time as we work on the importance of being a wingman. Goose! Sorry, force of habit. This is Matador’s strong suit as he explains how to quickly build up your wingman in a conversation while also removing any obstacles standing in his way. Note the use of phrase there. They do not flat out explain how to screen off her friends (including the bitter girl who doesn’t want to be there in the first place) in order for your buddy to make out with the hot one but that is pretty much the entire point. For winning the first challenge, Rian gets to choose his wingman and chooses Greg as his wing. That leaves Simeon and Matt as our other team. Two teams enter. One team leaves. The other is probably maced. Especially since the stated goal tonight is a makeout session.

Rian takes the lead and opens for his team. I’m trying to think of the proper metaphor here. Ok, Rian is playing the Robert Gibson role in the fabled tag team of the Rock and Roll Express in answering the opening bell before tagging out to his partner Greg who is emulating Ricky Morton. Given that Ricky Morton always got his ass kicked for twenty minutes in every match maybe that isn’t such a great strategy.

But like the four time World Champion Rock and Roll Express they work like a charm. Rian gets the girls to the booth. Greg isolates and after some small talk and a rather slick move starts a makeout session. Rian works with two girls, getting himself placed between them and momentarily living out one of my favorite moments as the possibility of punches being thrown becomes palatable. Rian is so close to making out with two women at once that it scares him to death and he can’t close. Yeah, I’m embarrassed for him.

Matt and Simeon work the crazy guy, straight man routine and it works really well. They actually hit the ball out of the park with both getting some decent makeout sessions. Bonus points to Simeon who when he saw Matt lagging behind made sure to build him up to make sure that everything went according to plan. Matt and Simeon win due to their teamwork and both are immune from elimination. That leaves Greg and Rian on the chopping block.

Simeon and Matt describe the night as a life changing event. I’m not sure if that is really depressing or not. I guess we all have good nights at the bar that change the way we view the world. The elimination comes down to Greg dumping his wingman to makeout with his girl and Rian not taking the risk and making out with his. Which is the bigger sin? Apparently not making out with the chick as Rian is eliminated. May that be a life lesson for us all.

Next week: Buddies from home and the battle to the final two. More fun abounds.