Due to travel and computer issues I am a few days behind in publishing my Holiday Viewing Guide. Here it is with some references to shows that may have already aired but a) are probably on YouTube and b) will most likely be shown three thousand times between now and Christmas anyway.
(Times are in central as a) I am using a Chicago Sun Times for the listing and b) I don’t feel like doing math.)
Thursday, November 25th
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I read the best description of the Macy’s Parade this year “It’s the Tony Awards if they were held outside in the rain with a lot of lip synching.” That is pretty much it given that the entire event is one large infomercial for Broadway (featuring the horrendous Spider Man musical) and brand mascots. There were no killer balloons this year, which is always a bit of a downer. That turkey float was still there, though.
Miracle on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): A man makes a mockery of the legal system in which a number of letters from children (that aren’t even opened by the way) is taken to be enough proof of a man’s sanity. I have said it before and I will say it again; there just ain’t no such thing as a sanity clause.
A Very Monkey Christmas (7 PM, PBS): Starring Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat. I’m not sure if I prefer this to a show featuring monkeys in Christmas outfits. In fact, I am going to search the Animal Planet listings right now just to see if I could find such a show.
Friday, November 26th
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Noon, Comedy Central): No one will believe me but I saw this movie for the first time this year. I already knew every line of dialogue though. This might be the high point of Juliette Lewis’s acting career. Definitely the high point of her music career.
Andrea Bocelli and David Foster – My Christmas (8:05 PM, PBS): Sigh. I wish we still had David Foster Wallace with us. I would love to see what he would write about the commercial nature of the holidays and / or tennis.
Sunday, November 28th
The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (7 PM, ABC Family): Let me quote the Sun Times here “Zeus the dog falls for a poodle (voice of Paris Hilton).” Zeus the dog is apparently voiced by Mario Lopez. Or possibly Mario Lopez is playing Zeus the dog. I am compelled to try to find this and watch it just so I could see who could possibly fit the words “Paris Hilton” and “Holiday Christmas Special” in the same pitch.
Monday, November 29th
Scrooged (7 PM, AMC): This film doesn’t get nearly enough love as it deserves during the holidays. Sure, it is darker than stuff like a Christmas Story but it has the benefit of actually being quite funny. Plus, we need more Bill Murray in our lives.
Tuesday, November 30th
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): The source of two of my favorite bits of entertainment of all time: Hermey the Misfit Elf and “She thinks I’m cute!!!” There is also something about a reindeer who saves Christmas because Santa was too cheap to purchase running lights for his sleigh. Seriously, the dude runs a multi national corporation and can’t devise a contingency plan for fog?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): One man nobly gives the arrogant people of Whoville the holiday they truly deserve thus teaching them the true meaning of Christmas. Also, much like the Grinch, I still contend that my body is three sizes too large rather than my heart being three times too small.
Wednesday, December 1st
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Yeah, me neither.
Thursday, December 2nd
The Santa Suit (7 PM, Hallmark): Greedy exec (played by Hercules Kevin Sorbo) is transformed into St. Nick. No notes as to whether or not Xena, Warrior Princess makes an appearance as Mrs. Claus. Whatever happened to Xena anyway? She’s due for a Dancing with the Stars appearance.
Saturday, December 4th
Olive, the Other Reindeer (4 PM, Cartoon): Mentioning this one just because of my love of puns. Also, it features a cute dog and dogs just don’t get enough love in holiday specials. Mice, reindeer, the evil minions of Whoville, talking piles of snow, they all get their own shows. Lovable puppy dogs get the misfortune of being voiced by Paris Hilton.
Tuesday, December 7th
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The only holiday special that is required viewing. In fact, if we could just show this repeatedly throughout the holidays we would all be better off. I know that I can’t consider myself unbiased here given that I have a painting of Snoopy hanging in my apartment but there is nothing that touches upon the season quite like this show: Linus’ speech, the funky dancing, Snoopy’s doghouse, and the wonders of Dolly Madison snack cakes. God, I could use a Zinger right now.
Thursday, December 9th
The Santa Incident (7 PM, Hallmark): Have to quote the Sun Times verbatim here: “Homeland Security missile shoots down the sleigh.” I’m not sure if I have anything else to add to that. When I think about Christmas Santa being taken down by surface to air missiles just doesn’t come to mind. It stars Ione Skye for those of you who are wondering what Ione Skye looks like twenty plus years after Say Anything.
Friday, December 10th
The Santa Clause (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Tim Allen in a fat suit? Yeah, me neither.
Fred Claus (7 PM, TBS): Hey, want to see Vince Vaughn in, well, anything? Wow, no one? Not even rewatching Swingers? Guess we’ll skip this one.
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): The story of a man whose proper management techniques provides excellent returns for his shareholders and employment for numerous members of the surrounding community.
Saturday, December 11th
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Teaching kids to fall in love with creatures that will eventually melt and die. Show of hands, how many people end up crying when Frosty starts to melt? There are very few shows that have such a maudlin feel to them as you are promised that he will be back someday as long as you don’t remember that he is currently that puddle of water over there.
It’s a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still haven’t watched this movie. I think that qualifies me as purely evil or something. Just wasn’t something we watched in my family. That or I never felt that banking practices were exactly riveting holiday topics.
Tuesday, December 14th
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): If you stopped reading Peanuts near the end, which wouldn’t be too surprising as Charles Schulz was kind of losing it by that point, you missed a lot of wonderful bits featuring Linus and Lucy’s younger brother: Rerun. Not only could he be philosophical (and rather dark) but one long standing plot line was his wanting a dog. I really relate to Rerun.
Saturday, December 18th
Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): I don’t understand this one at all. First off, these two characters have perfectly fine specials of their own so they don’t need to do some sort of superhero team up episode. Plus, it’s December. Why the hell do I want to watch a show about July? Horrible marketing all around.
Christmas Eve
“’Twas the Night Before Christmas” (Noon, ABC Family): The most underrated Christmas special of all time. Yes, this one probably holds a special place in my heart because it features an extremely intelligent, glasses wearing mouse, who almost ruins Christmas because he is too smart for his own good. Not like that is representative of me in the least. It even has some really nice songs. Watch this over so many of the crappy holiday movies out there.
A Christmas Story (7 PM (and every two hours after), TBS): Much like Shakespeare and Elvis, A Christmas Story suffers from the fact that something can be the best and still be overrated. Yes, this was an amazing film when I first watched it and there are scenes that can still bring a smile to my face but it is so overplayed (literally being shown for 24 hours straight) that for the most part it has no meaning any more. I would like us to have a few year moratorium on this film just so it could regain its awesomeness.
Showing posts with label Holiday Viewing Guide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holiday Viewing Guide. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Your 2009 Holiday Viewing Guide
It is time for that annual holiday tradition: My overview of the Holiday television schedule. Yes, this is my opportunity to inform you of the best choices for your viewing options. All times are CST, channels are listed, and I promise you I am not making these shows up.
Thursday, November 26th
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I recommend building a time machine to fully enjoy this annual treat. Besides featuring the classic ginat balloons of Kermit, Garfield and a smurf we also were treated to lip synched performances by every vaguely teen performer in existence, all of whom seem to be rocking emo bangs. Yes, I am now at the point where I look at the TV and yell, "Get a haircut you damn hippie!"
Home Alone (11 AM, FX): Macauley Culkin woke up in a hangover daze this morning, turned on the television and saw that the highlight of his life consisted of several acts of horrible violence against Joe Pesci. Come to think of it, that would be the highlight of anyone's life.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (7 PM, Comedy Central): The popularity of Jeff Dunham amazes me. Heck, the fact that this guy has a career stuns me. Who the hell gets a ventriloquism bit to work for fifteen years? He even sells CDs. You know how easy it is to ventriloquism on a CD?
Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau (11 PM, CMT): Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit quite like Larry the Cable Guy and vague Hawaiian themes. Some people ask how I can be such a cynical bastard during the holiday season. To them I present Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau. By the time you finish watching it you will want to punt an elf.
Friday, November 27
The Santa Clause (8 PM, TBS): Remember when Tim Allen was funny? Yeah, me neither.
Saturday, November 28
Holly and Hal Moose: Our Uplifting Christmas (9 AM, ABC Family): A pair of moose (mooses?, meeses?) discover Santa's workshop and disclose the horrific sweatshop conditions maintained inside. Nice to see a change of pace regarding our holiday creatures, though.
The National Tree (7 PM, Hallmark): Andrew McCarthy (better known as that other guy in every movie you watched in the 1980's) helps his son haul an evergreen to DC. I assume they are using a truck of some sort though a father and son heroically dragging a tree down the highway would be inspiring. Instead I assume that this just discusses the importance of maintaining proper air pressure in your tires.
Sunday, November 29
A Christmas Carol (1 PM, Hallmark): The tale of how dedication and perserverence to one's chosen field will result in admiration and respect amongst one's fellow man. George C. Scott version.
A Dog Named Christmas (8 PM, CBS): Having met two dogs named Valentine this year I think that even I will get misty eyed about a show in which a young man helps out a shelter's adoption program.
Larry the Cable Guy Star Studded Christmas Spectacular (10:30 PM, CMT): Yes, not only one but two Larry the Cable Guy Christmas specials. This one featuring Toby Keith, Montgomery Gentry and and Jeff Foxworthy! You know how you might be a redneck? If you find yourself watching a Larry the Cable Guy Christmas special at 10:30 on a Sunday Night in November.
Monday, November 30
Naughty or Nice (7 PM, ABC Family): A sick boy convinces a Chicago shock jock (admirally protrayed by George Lopez) to be nice for one day. If believing in Santa is too easy, just try wrapping your head around George Lopez having a successful radio career or a shock jock doing anything remotely noble.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The tale of how Whoville's existence of decadence and depravity is overturned by one brave individual who has a body three times to large for his heart. I'm sorry but Whoville totally got what they deserved.
Tuesday, December 1
The Year Without a Santa Claus (6 PM, ABC Family): Come for the Heat Miser and Snow Miser, stay for....do you really need a reason to stay? We're talking the Heat Miser! An all time great.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The best ever. Hands down even if said hands are holding Dolly Madison Zingers. Snoopy's portrayals of all the animals in the bible, the kids dancing and the little tree that just needs a little love. No, I'm not crying just thinking about it. It's just a little dusty in here that is all.
Disney Prep and Landing (7:30 PM, ABC): So after spending the past half hour reliving your childhood with one of the most touching programs ever produced why not stay tuned for a crass comercial about how elves (sponsored by Disney) prepare houses for Santa's arrival (also sponsored by Disney.) Remember kids, if your toys don't say Disney it means that your parents don't really love you.
Wednesday, December 2
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): Still should be referred to by it's original title: Hermie the Misfit Elf and Friends. That said, I will watch this show just for the line, "She thinks I'm cute!" That and maybe I will finally find out what games reindeer actually play. I'm guessing No Limit Hold'Em but that is a little passe.
Thursday, December 3
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): A reminder to all budding entrepreneurs to carefully choose their accountants to avoid any unneccessary discussions as to what constitutes a proper deduction. Reginald Owen version.
A Diva's Christmas Carol (7 PM, Hallmark): See above, except replace accountant with assistant and Reginald Owen with that Miss America contestant who was nude in Playboy.
Saturday, December 5
12 Men of Christmas (8 PM, Lifetime): Kristin Chenoweth stars as a New Yorker who must skip town after a disastorous office party. Yes, it is either the SEC Title Game or this and Kristin Chenoweth does make it a little bit of a tough decision. Odds of a Meredith Baxter-Birney sighting: 60 %.
Monday, December 7
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): My absolute favorite special. I just liked one that featured an incredibly smart mouse with glasses as the main character who ruins Christmas and then has to try to redeem himself. Any analogies to myself there are purely incidental.
Cranberry Christmas (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Here is the preview, direct from the Chicago Sun-Times "A meanie wants to take away the Cranberryport skating bog." Please give your thoughts on whatever the hell this might mean in the comments because I haven't a freaking clue.
Jack Frost (9 PM, ABC Family): I am going to assume that this is not the horror film starring a killer snowman but given they had just had a show about a skating bog I really can't be sure.
Tuesday, December 8
Mickey's Christmas Carrol (6 PM, ABC Family): Explains the true meaning of Christmas. Does not explain how Goofy is a dog that can walk and talk while Pluto is a dog who is, well, a dog. Scrooge McDuck version.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): From the A.A. Milne classic tale of Santa Claus. Sigh. I'd like to make more fun of this but as a kid I so loved the stories because of Christopher Robin (the only character who had the same first name as me.) I'll probably end up taping this and then complaining about how the room is dusty every time I watch.
A Miser Brothers Christmas (8 PM, ABC Family): Finally someone gets the point. All Miser Brothers, all the time. They should have their own sitcom.
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8:30 PM, ABC Family): For the record, it is two and a half weeks before Christmas and we have a New Year's Special. First Valentine's Day special is planned for December 20th.
Friday, December 11
Yes, Virginia (7 PM, CBS): A skeptical girl asks a newspaper for the truth about Santa, a more in depth discussion of the health care bills and a comics section that is awesome like it was when we had Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side. Also inquires the staff as to why they are employed in a dying industry.
The Flight Before Christmas (7:30 PM, CBS): Again from the Sun Times "Ambitious reindeer tries to find missing father." Thus, this story might really be a tale of parental abandonment as his father takes flight before the holidays much in the manner of "I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes." This implies a much more complex social structure in the reindeer community than I have ever imagined.
Saturday, December 12
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (8 AM, ABC Family): I am slowly getting the feeling that ABC Family just bought up the rights to every show with Christmas in its title. I'm assuming that he uses his long ears to fly in a helicopter fashion to help lower Santa into chimneys.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): And I complained about the New Year's Special. Why aren't they showing this in July? And since when did Rudolph and Frosty form some sort of magical Christmas tag-team? I expect to see them in a double Russian chain match against the Miser Brothers.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still have not seen this movie. I am not kidding. I know that it is a holiday staple but I simply have never sat down to watch it. It just wasn't in my family's rotation. Apologies to those who feel that this makes me pure evil.
Sunday, December 13
Santa Baby (5 PM, ABC Family): Jenny McCarthy stars as Santa's efficiency expert daughter who must fill her old man's shoes when he falls ill. The logical inconsistencies present in the "Jenny McCarthy" and "efficiency expert" makes this one sound like a twelve egg nog special.
The Christmas Blessing (5 PM, Lifetime Movie): Neil Patrick Harris. You don't even need a plot description; it stars Neil Patrick Harris. If that isn't enough to make you watch nothing will.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (7 PM, ABC Family): My god, they made a sequel. And her first name is apparently Mary. I think I am losing brain cells just by typing this.
The Christmas Hope (7 PM, Lifetime Movie): A foster child wins over a couple starring Madeline Stowe thus answering the question "Whatever happened to Madeline Stowe?"
Christmas at the White House (9 PM, ABC): Oprah grills the president on his foreign policy decisions.
Tuesday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Can't have too many Peanuts specials, especially ones featuring Rerun. If you need to think up a quick present for me anything related to Charles Schulz is usually a good choice.
Friday, December 18
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Ok, raise your hands. How many of you cried when Frosty has to go away? I thought so. Maybe the most heart wrenching Christmas special ever. You fall in love with the big guy and then he vanishes and there is nothing that you can do about it. Great lesson to teach children.
Frosty Returns (7:30 PM, CBS): Well, maybe his disappearance wasn't so permanent after all.
Tuesday, December 22
A Very Brady Christmas (Noon, ABC Family): I have a problem with this. The holidays are all about nostalgia, which is why I am writing about shows that I remember watching thirty years ago. Yet this is a special in which Christmas nostalgia is combined with old TV show nostalgia and it is just too much.
Once Upon a Christmas (2 PM, ABC Family): Santa's Daughter again must try to save the day. In this instance, Santa's daughter is played by Kathy Ireland. I consider that an upgrade.
Twice Upon a Christmas (4 PM, ABC Family): For crying out loud, how many movies about Santa's daughters featuring former pin up models are there? Are there a whole bunch starring Elle McPhereson that I am somehow missing?
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TNT): Jean-Luc Picard version. Set phasers to awesome. Let's see those ghosts try to mess with Scrooge this time.
Christmas Eve
A Christmas Story (7 PM and on continual loop, TBS): Peter Billingsly directed Couples Retreat and was executive producer for Iron Man. I have no idea what significance that hold but really what else can one say about this film. I really think that it has become so popular that everyone should take a few years off from watching it just so it can regain a bit of its awesomeness. And trust me, it is awesome.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (2 AM, WGN): Because what better way to enjoy the holidays than by watching a fireplace on your TV.
Enjoy the holidays everyone!
Thursday, November 26th
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I recommend building a time machine to fully enjoy this annual treat. Besides featuring the classic ginat balloons of Kermit, Garfield and a smurf we also were treated to lip synched performances by every vaguely teen performer in existence, all of whom seem to be rocking emo bangs. Yes, I am now at the point where I look at the TV and yell, "Get a haircut you damn hippie!"
Home Alone (11 AM, FX): Macauley Culkin woke up in a hangover daze this morning, turned on the television and saw that the highlight of his life consisted of several acts of horrible violence against Joe Pesci. Come to think of it, that would be the highlight of anyone's life.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (7 PM, Comedy Central): The popularity of Jeff Dunham amazes me. Heck, the fact that this guy has a career stuns me. Who the hell gets a ventriloquism bit to work for fifteen years? He even sells CDs. You know how easy it is to ventriloquism on a CD?
Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau (11 PM, CMT): Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit quite like Larry the Cable Guy and vague Hawaiian themes. Some people ask how I can be such a cynical bastard during the holiday season. To them I present Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau. By the time you finish watching it you will want to punt an elf.
Friday, November 27
The Santa Clause (8 PM, TBS): Remember when Tim Allen was funny? Yeah, me neither.
Saturday, November 28
Holly and Hal Moose: Our Uplifting Christmas (9 AM, ABC Family): A pair of moose (mooses?, meeses?) discover Santa's workshop and disclose the horrific sweatshop conditions maintained inside. Nice to see a change of pace regarding our holiday creatures, though.
The National Tree (7 PM, Hallmark): Andrew McCarthy (better known as that other guy in every movie you watched in the 1980's) helps his son haul an evergreen to DC. I assume they are using a truck of some sort though a father and son heroically dragging a tree down the highway would be inspiring. Instead I assume that this just discusses the importance of maintaining proper air pressure in your tires.
Sunday, November 29
A Christmas Carol (1 PM, Hallmark): The tale of how dedication and perserverence to one's chosen field will result in admiration and respect amongst one's fellow man. George C. Scott version.
A Dog Named Christmas (8 PM, CBS): Having met two dogs named Valentine this year I think that even I will get misty eyed about a show in which a young man helps out a shelter's adoption program.
Larry the Cable Guy Star Studded Christmas Spectacular (10:30 PM, CMT): Yes, not only one but two Larry the Cable Guy Christmas specials. This one featuring Toby Keith, Montgomery Gentry and and Jeff Foxworthy! You know how you might be a redneck? If you find yourself watching a Larry the Cable Guy Christmas special at 10:30 on a Sunday Night in November.
Monday, November 30
Naughty or Nice (7 PM, ABC Family): A sick boy convinces a Chicago shock jock (admirally protrayed by George Lopez) to be nice for one day. If believing in Santa is too easy, just try wrapping your head around George Lopez having a successful radio career or a shock jock doing anything remotely noble.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The tale of how Whoville's existence of decadence and depravity is overturned by one brave individual who has a body three times to large for his heart. I'm sorry but Whoville totally got what they deserved.
Tuesday, December 1
The Year Without a Santa Claus (6 PM, ABC Family): Come for the Heat Miser and Snow Miser, stay for....do you really need a reason to stay? We're talking the Heat Miser! An all time great.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The best ever. Hands down even if said hands are holding Dolly Madison Zingers. Snoopy's portrayals of all the animals in the bible, the kids dancing and the little tree that just needs a little love. No, I'm not crying just thinking about it. It's just a little dusty in here that is all.
Disney Prep and Landing (7:30 PM, ABC): So after spending the past half hour reliving your childhood with one of the most touching programs ever produced why not stay tuned for a crass comercial about how elves (sponsored by Disney) prepare houses for Santa's arrival (also sponsored by Disney.) Remember kids, if your toys don't say Disney it means that your parents don't really love you.
Wednesday, December 2
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): Still should be referred to by it's original title: Hermie the Misfit Elf and Friends. That said, I will watch this show just for the line, "She thinks I'm cute!" That and maybe I will finally find out what games reindeer actually play. I'm guessing No Limit Hold'Em but that is a little passe.
Thursday, December 3
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): A reminder to all budding entrepreneurs to carefully choose their accountants to avoid any unneccessary discussions as to what constitutes a proper deduction. Reginald Owen version.
A Diva's Christmas Carol (7 PM, Hallmark): See above, except replace accountant with assistant and Reginald Owen with that Miss America contestant who was nude in Playboy.
Saturday, December 5
12 Men of Christmas (8 PM, Lifetime): Kristin Chenoweth stars as a New Yorker who must skip town after a disastorous office party. Yes, it is either the SEC Title Game or this and Kristin Chenoweth does make it a little bit of a tough decision. Odds of a Meredith Baxter-Birney sighting: 60 %.
Monday, December 7
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): My absolute favorite special. I just liked one that featured an incredibly smart mouse with glasses as the main character who ruins Christmas and then has to try to redeem himself. Any analogies to myself there are purely incidental.
Cranberry Christmas (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Here is the preview, direct from the Chicago Sun-Times "A meanie wants to take away the Cranberryport skating bog." Please give your thoughts on whatever the hell this might mean in the comments because I haven't a freaking clue.
Jack Frost (9 PM, ABC Family): I am going to assume that this is not the horror film starring a killer snowman but given they had just had a show about a skating bog I really can't be sure.
Tuesday, December 8
Mickey's Christmas Carrol (6 PM, ABC Family): Explains the true meaning of Christmas. Does not explain how Goofy is a dog that can walk and talk while Pluto is a dog who is, well, a dog. Scrooge McDuck version.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): From the A.A. Milne classic tale of Santa Claus. Sigh. I'd like to make more fun of this but as a kid I so loved the stories because of Christopher Robin (the only character who had the same first name as me.) I'll probably end up taping this and then complaining about how the room is dusty every time I watch.
A Miser Brothers Christmas (8 PM, ABC Family): Finally someone gets the point. All Miser Brothers, all the time. They should have their own sitcom.
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8:30 PM, ABC Family): For the record, it is two and a half weeks before Christmas and we have a New Year's Special. First Valentine's Day special is planned for December 20th.
Friday, December 11
Yes, Virginia (7 PM, CBS): A skeptical girl asks a newspaper for the truth about Santa, a more in depth discussion of the health care bills and a comics section that is awesome like it was when we had Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side. Also inquires the staff as to why they are employed in a dying industry.
The Flight Before Christmas (7:30 PM, CBS): Again from the Sun Times "Ambitious reindeer tries to find missing father." Thus, this story might really be a tale of parental abandonment as his father takes flight before the holidays much in the manner of "I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes." This implies a much more complex social structure in the reindeer community than I have ever imagined.
Saturday, December 12
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (8 AM, ABC Family): I am slowly getting the feeling that ABC Family just bought up the rights to every show with Christmas in its title. I'm assuming that he uses his long ears to fly in a helicopter fashion to help lower Santa into chimneys.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): And I complained about the New Year's Special. Why aren't they showing this in July? And since when did Rudolph and Frosty form some sort of magical Christmas tag-team? I expect to see them in a double Russian chain match against the Miser Brothers.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still have not seen this movie. I am not kidding. I know that it is a holiday staple but I simply have never sat down to watch it. It just wasn't in my family's rotation. Apologies to those who feel that this makes me pure evil.
Sunday, December 13
Santa Baby (5 PM, ABC Family): Jenny McCarthy stars as Santa's efficiency expert daughter who must fill her old man's shoes when he falls ill. The logical inconsistencies present in the "Jenny McCarthy" and "efficiency expert" makes this one sound like a twelve egg nog special.
The Christmas Blessing (5 PM, Lifetime Movie): Neil Patrick Harris. You don't even need a plot description; it stars Neil Patrick Harris. If that isn't enough to make you watch nothing will.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (7 PM, ABC Family): My god, they made a sequel. And her first name is apparently Mary. I think I am losing brain cells just by typing this.
The Christmas Hope (7 PM, Lifetime Movie): A foster child wins over a couple starring Madeline Stowe thus answering the question "Whatever happened to Madeline Stowe?"
Christmas at the White House (9 PM, ABC): Oprah grills the president on his foreign policy decisions.
Tuesday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Can't have too many Peanuts specials, especially ones featuring Rerun. If you need to think up a quick present for me anything related to Charles Schulz is usually a good choice.
Friday, December 18
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Ok, raise your hands. How many of you cried when Frosty has to go away? I thought so. Maybe the most heart wrenching Christmas special ever. You fall in love with the big guy and then he vanishes and there is nothing that you can do about it. Great lesson to teach children.
Frosty Returns (7:30 PM, CBS): Well, maybe his disappearance wasn't so permanent after all.
Tuesday, December 22
A Very Brady Christmas (Noon, ABC Family): I have a problem with this. The holidays are all about nostalgia, which is why I am writing about shows that I remember watching thirty years ago. Yet this is a special in which Christmas nostalgia is combined with old TV show nostalgia and it is just too much.
Once Upon a Christmas (2 PM, ABC Family): Santa's Daughter again must try to save the day. In this instance, Santa's daughter is played by Kathy Ireland. I consider that an upgrade.
Twice Upon a Christmas (4 PM, ABC Family): For crying out loud, how many movies about Santa's daughters featuring former pin up models are there? Are there a whole bunch starring Elle McPhereson that I am somehow missing?
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TNT): Jean-Luc Picard version. Set phasers to awesome. Let's see those ghosts try to mess with Scrooge this time.
Christmas Eve
A Christmas Story (7 PM and on continual loop, TBS): Peter Billingsly directed Couples Retreat and was executive producer for Iron Man. I have no idea what significance that hold but really what else can one say about this film. I really think that it has become so popular that everyone should take a few years off from watching it just so it can regain a bit of its awesomeness. And trust me, it is awesome.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (2 AM, WGN): Because what better way to enjoy the holidays than by watching a fireplace on your TV.
Enjoy the holidays everyone!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
2008 Holiday Viewing Guide
If you are like me and have finished your Thanksgiving Dinner, hidden in the basement to avoid washing dishes and/or talking to relatives and are trying to come to grips that you just lost a hondo on the Lions (damn you Dante Culpepper) that can mean only one thing: it is time to plan your holiday TV schedule. Lucky for you I have scoured the television listings and can provide you with the ultimate in television experience. All shows are real and times are in CST (as this is based off of a Chicago Sun-Times list). Also, please note that if financial conditions have resulted in Christmas being cancelled this year please use this list as a way to remember how great this season used to be before the world collapsed. Or watch The Road as that will make a wonderful post-apocalyptic holiday tale. Here we go.
Thursday, Nov. 27:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): Yes I know that this has already occurred. However, I would be amiss if I did not mention this holiday classic, including the giant turkey float and poorly lip synched Broadway show tunes, for two specific reasons. One, Miley Cyrus performed because it is now a law that Miley Cyrus performs at every event. Two, there was a giant Smurf balloon this year. Just the concept of a giant smurf is enough to make me smile.
Mircale on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): Again in the past but this is the woderful 1947 version. However, I am not sure if this was the romantic and blissful black and white version or the colorized version in which Natalie Wood looks as though she spent six months in Chernobyl and is ready to destroy New York.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (7 PM, ABC): One of the lesser known Peanuts special. I assume popcorn is involved. And maybe a subplot about Woodstock being quite upset about the entire holiday being centered around the eating of a fellow bird. I doubt that he will be happy at the dinner table to say the least.
An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving (8 PM, Hallmark): Watch as Jacquelline Bisset plays a puritan who unwittingly infects the indigenous people with smallpox. Oops, sorry, wrong show. Single mom, wealthy mother, insert typical Hallmark ploy.
Fruday, November 28:
Elf (6 PM, USA): Let's say you were forced to watch a Will Ferrell movie over the holidays. Since they are all the same I guess it really doesn't matter which one you pick. This one at least has Bob Newhart in it. You could probably change channels after his scenes are done.
Silver Bells (6 PM, Hallmark): A visiting farmer falls for a New York widow. Discovers said widow is in fact Anne Heche. Hilarity ensues. Farmer ends up fleeing to the countryside as he realizes the true meaning of Christmas is to spend as much time with cows as possible.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (9 PM, Comedy Central): Yes, Jeff Dunham has a Woozle and his name is Peanut. Do you know when I first saw his act? When I was in high school! And he is still bringing out that damn Woozle! If you want to spend your Friday night watching a ventriloquist perform go right ahead. In my book they are just slightly ahead of mimes.
Saturday, November 29
One Magic Christmas (10 AM, Hallmark): A 6 year old restores her mom's holiday spirit. Then ruins it when on Christmas morning she throws a huge fit when she is given the wrong American Girl doll. "I wanted Kit! Can't you do anything right?"
A Very Married Christmas (2 PM, Lifetime): Ok, here is the actual review I have in front of me. "A man learns just before the holiday that his cheating wife wants a divorce". Thank you, Lifetime. This is quite possibly the most cynical concept behind a holiday movie ever made.
Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus / Meet the Santas (4 PM and 6 PM. Hallmark): A double dose of Steve Guttenberg as Santa's son needs to find a wife and, of course, hilarity ensues. Actually, how tough would it be to be Santa's kid. You're stuck at the North Pole and there are absolutely no women around. Even as a kid while the elves were your size they were all like five hundred years old and probably just hang out back after work smoking and playing cards. And dad will never let you take Rudolph out for a ride. You're only trusted with Blitzen. Tough life.
The Santa Clause (6:15 PM, TBS): Tim Allen in a fat suit. Ok, a fatter suit.
Sunday, November 30
The Christmas Shoes (8 PM, Lifetime): Rob Lowe is a workaholic lawyer who crosses paths with a boy on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen this but I am going to guess that the boy teaches Rob Lowe that money and success is no replacement for human connections and the feeling of pride after helping one's fellow man. Also, since this is on Lifetime I am guessing that Meredith Baxter Birney also makes an appearance.
Monday, December 1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7:30 PM, ABC): This is the classic animated special. As someone whose cardiologist did diagnose him with having Grinch syndrome I would like to state that my heart is not, in fact, three sizes to small. I contend that my heart is properly sized, it is my body that is three sizes too large. Plus, those bastards in Whoville got what they deserved. Their incessant singing creates an immense amount of noise pollution in addition to the waste of natural resources tied to their decorations.
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): This would be the woefully unfunny Jim Carrey version. Hey, ever want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Nope, me neither.
Tuesday, December 2
Larry the Cable Guy's Star Studded Christmas Extravaganza (9 PM, CMT): Oh for crying out loud. Really people? I mean, what the hell? We take a day that is meant to commemorate the birth of our savior, the moment in which God allows himself to enter the world in human form as a helpless and innocent child, and celebrate it by watching Larry the Cable Guy? Is that what this holiday has come to? Jeff Foxworthy makes an appearance, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (10 PM, Hallmark): Great scheduling by the Hallmark people here as I assume that a number of little girls will be allowed to stay up until 10 on a school night to watch this one. And again, why does Kit get short changed on this? Totally unfair.
Wednesday, December 3
Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): I still say this should just be called "Hermie the Misfit Elf and friends" but that is just me. Look, I might be a cynical bastard but even I smile at Rudolph. And I have tried to mimic Rudolph's voice whenever I say "She thinks I'm cute". Sadly, I don't get to use that impression nearly as much as I would like.
A Christmas Story (7 PM, TNT and roughly every two hours thereafter until you wish for someone to run a backhoe over your cable line): This film has suffered greatly from over-popularity. As a kid this was my film. No one really knew about it but every Christmas you would catch it on HBO and have an absolute blast. Now it has become this big tradition and it spoils the illicit fun of it. As an adult all I do is watch and wonder a) what the hell happened to Peter Billingsly, b) if one ever expected for one of the kids in the film to later appear in a porno and c) why they don't bring Real People starring Skip Stephenson and Sarah Purcell back on the air. Oh, and why we ever thought it was a great idea to arm small children.
Friday Deecmber 5
The Story of Santa Claus (8 PM, WGN): A toymaker is evicted from his shop in this animated special teaching the dangers of subprime lending practices.
Sunday, December 7
A Christmas Carol (9:30 PM, AMC): The story of a succesful businessman whose cost cutting techniques and efficiency improvements make him a leader of industry. Also, teaches the important lesson of using QuickBooks as opposed to a moralistic accountant.
A Christmas Visitor (6 PM, Hallmark): Remind me not to switch to the Hallmark channel in the next month. Here is the synopsis "Tragic news spoils a family's holiday." Sheesh. Can't we have something at least a little upbeat?
Monday December 8
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): I have two words for you; "Hell" and "Yeah". The greatest Christmas special ever. The music, the dancing, Pig Pen playing standup bass, Snoopy winning first prize for his doghouse, Dolly Madison advertisements, Linus' speech, the little Christmas tree and Joy to the World. And yes, this is from someone who has a painting of Snoopy hanging in his living room.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): While Charlie Brown might be the best, this is probably my absolute favorite. A bookish mouse (with glasses and an unbelievable resemblence to myself) writes a letter causing Santa to skip their town. Great songs and an interesting story. I'll always be eight years old whenever I watch it.
Jingle all the Way (7 PM, ABC Family): Governor Schwarzenegger stars with his Secretary of the Interior Sinbad in a film about the importance of using executive privlige to obtain the perfect toy for your family. Only film in history in which a reviewer has used the phrase "Could have used more Sinbad."
Tuesday, December 9
A Garfield Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): Eh, I guess it is about a lazy cat. Lasagna will probably get mentioned at some point. Maybe they'll finally explain why this single guy lives with a cat and a dog that he talks to every day. Nerml might also make an appearance, in case that makes it more interesting for you.
Wednesday. December 10
Home Alone (7 PM, Syndicated): Watch Macauley Culkin commit numerous acts of attempted murder.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Taken from the classic A. A. Milne tale....ok, I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the classic stories. I actually have the very copies of the books that I read as a child in my apartment at this moment because Christopher Robin was the only literary character I knew growing up who had the same name as I did. But since I enjoy the characters (as do my nieces and nephews) I can't complain about this as all. Well, other than the fact that grammatically speaking the title should be 'Winnie the Pooh and Christmas As Well!'
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8 PM, ABC Family): In case you are already tired of Christmas specials and want to get an early jump on New Year's.
Thursday, December 11
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys (8 PM, ABC Family): I really think that the Island of Misfit Toys could carry a special by themselves. They need no additional assistance.
Friday, December 12
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): You know how I mentioned that I like Winnie the Pooh because of Christopher Robin? This is my sister's favorite because it features a Karen. It also teaches children the importance of magic hats and the impact of global warming.
Saturday, December 13
The Little Drummer Boy and The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (8 AM and 8:30 AM, ABC Family): Less an animated special and more of one hour of sonic torture as the song is played on an infinite loop. I mention this show just so parents will find a way to get their children away from the television set for this one.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1 PM, ABC Family): Ok, when the hell did they make all these additional specials? When I was a kid you had the two Rudolph's (Xmas and New Year's) and one Frosty. Now they have one for July? Why, is this so kids in Australia don't feel left out? Talk about the commercialization of Christmas. I didn't realize that Frost the Snowman was a brand.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): Do you know that I still haev not seen this movie? I have gone my entire life without watching more than five minutes of it. That might explain an awful lot when you come to think of it.
Sunday, December 14
The Santa Clause 2 (7 PM, ABC): Tim Allen: We can make him fatter and jollier. We can make his belly roll like a spoonful of jelly. We just can't make him funny.
Holiday in Handcuffs (3 PM, ABC Family): This one sounds like it should be on either Hallmark or Lifetime. "A waitress kidnaps a hunk to join her at Christmas." It does explain what Melissa Joan Hart has been doing these past couple of years, though.
Monday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Anything that features Rerun is worth watching. My favorite Rerun quote is from when the teacher asked the class if it had any suggestions for storytime, "Yes, can we hear the part where Anna Karennina throws herself under the train. No? Sigh. Alright, let's hear about Jack and Jill again."
Wednesday, December 17
A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (7 PM, NBC): Note to people buying me gifts. Fozzy Bear collection of the Muppet Show. That is all. I need my Pigs in Space.
A Christmas Carol (8 PM, TNT): Captain Picard beams down to Victorian England to learn improved management techniques from the master.
Friday, December 19
A Holly Jolly Pops Holiday with the Barenaked Ladies (9 PM, PBS): I guess we are all going to ignore the cocaine charge that the lead singer was just hit with. Just a thought, PBS, you might want to check into those things before you build the programming schedule.
Saturday, December 20
A Very Brady Christmas (8 AM, ABC Family): As much as I would like to relive my childhood and watch the Brady Bunch if I am getting up that early on a Saturday morning the Snorks better be on. Followed by Dungeons and Dragons, Shirt Tales and Superstars of Wrestling.
Christmas in Wonderland (7 PM, ABC Family): This stars Patrick Swayze and Carmen Electra. I'm not even going to bother explaining the plot. If that doesn't catch your eye nothing will.
Sunday, December 21
Lights: Celebrate Hanukkah Live in Concert (11 AM, PBS): Ooh, a multi-cultural holiday special. On an eighteen page print out this was the only one I could find so you should probably watch it.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (1:30 AM, WGN): Because nothing beats Christmas in front of an open fire than Christmas in front of a television set replicating an open fire.
Have a happy holidays everyone!
Thursday, Nov. 27:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): Yes I know that this has already occurred. However, I would be amiss if I did not mention this holiday classic, including the giant turkey float and poorly lip synched Broadway show tunes, for two specific reasons. One, Miley Cyrus performed because it is now a law that Miley Cyrus performs at every event. Two, there was a giant Smurf balloon this year. Just the concept of a giant smurf is enough to make me smile.
Mircale on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): Again in the past but this is the woderful 1947 version. However, I am not sure if this was the romantic and blissful black and white version or the colorized version in which Natalie Wood looks as though she spent six months in Chernobyl and is ready to destroy New York.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (7 PM, ABC): One of the lesser known Peanuts special. I assume popcorn is involved. And maybe a subplot about Woodstock being quite upset about the entire holiday being centered around the eating of a fellow bird. I doubt that he will be happy at the dinner table to say the least.
An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving (8 PM, Hallmark): Watch as Jacquelline Bisset plays a puritan who unwittingly infects the indigenous people with smallpox. Oops, sorry, wrong show. Single mom, wealthy mother, insert typical Hallmark ploy.
Fruday, November 28:
Elf (6 PM, USA): Let's say you were forced to watch a Will Ferrell movie over the holidays. Since they are all the same I guess it really doesn't matter which one you pick. This one at least has Bob Newhart in it. You could probably change channels after his scenes are done.
Silver Bells (6 PM, Hallmark): A visiting farmer falls for a New York widow. Discovers said widow is in fact Anne Heche. Hilarity ensues. Farmer ends up fleeing to the countryside as he realizes the true meaning of Christmas is to spend as much time with cows as possible.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (9 PM, Comedy Central): Yes, Jeff Dunham has a Woozle and his name is Peanut. Do you know when I first saw his act? When I was in high school! And he is still bringing out that damn Woozle! If you want to spend your Friday night watching a ventriloquist perform go right ahead. In my book they are just slightly ahead of mimes.
Saturday, November 29
One Magic Christmas (10 AM, Hallmark): A 6 year old restores her mom's holiday spirit. Then ruins it when on Christmas morning she throws a huge fit when she is given the wrong American Girl doll. "I wanted Kit! Can't you do anything right?"
A Very Married Christmas (2 PM, Lifetime): Ok, here is the actual review I have in front of me. "A man learns just before the holiday that his cheating wife wants a divorce". Thank you, Lifetime. This is quite possibly the most cynical concept behind a holiday movie ever made.
Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus / Meet the Santas (4 PM and 6 PM. Hallmark): A double dose of Steve Guttenberg as Santa's son needs to find a wife and, of course, hilarity ensues. Actually, how tough would it be to be Santa's kid. You're stuck at the North Pole and there are absolutely no women around. Even as a kid while the elves were your size they were all like five hundred years old and probably just hang out back after work smoking and playing cards. And dad will never let you take Rudolph out for a ride. You're only trusted with Blitzen. Tough life.
The Santa Clause (6:15 PM, TBS): Tim Allen in a fat suit. Ok, a fatter suit.
Sunday, November 30
The Christmas Shoes (8 PM, Lifetime): Rob Lowe is a workaholic lawyer who crosses paths with a boy on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen this but I am going to guess that the boy teaches Rob Lowe that money and success is no replacement for human connections and the feeling of pride after helping one's fellow man. Also, since this is on Lifetime I am guessing that Meredith Baxter Birney also makes an appearance.
Monday, December 1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7:30 PM, ABC): This is the classic animated special. As someone whose cardiologist did diagnose him with having Grinch syndrome I would like to state that my heart is not, in fact, three sizes to small. I contend that my heart is properly sized, it is my body that is three sizes too large. Plus, those bastards in Whoville got what they deserved. Their incessant singing creates an immense amount of noise pollution in addition to the waste of natural resources tied to their decorations.
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): This would be the woefully unfunny Jim Carrey version. Hey, ever want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Nope, me neither.
Tuesday, December 2
Larry the Cable Guy's Star Studded Christmas Extravaganza (9 PM, CMT): Oh for crying out loud. Really people? I mean, what the hell? We take a day that is meant to commemorate the birth of our savior, the moment in which God allows himself to enter the world in human form as a helpless and innocent child, and celebrate it by watching Larry the Cable Guy? Is that what this holiday has come to? Jeff Foxworthy makes an appearance, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (10 PM, Hallmark): Great scheduling by the Hallmark people here as I assume that a number of little girls will be allowed to stay up until 10 on a school night to watch this one. And again, why does Kit get short changed on this? Totally unfair.
Wednesday, December 3
Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): I still say this should just be called "Hermie the Misfit Elf and friends" but that is just me. Look, I might be a cynical bastard but even I smile at Rudolph. And I have tried to mimic Rudolph's voice whenever I say "She thinks I'm cute". Sadly, I don't get to use that impression nearly as much as I would like.
A Christmas Story (7 PM, TNT and roughly every two hours thereafter until you wish for someone to run a backhoe over your cable line): This film has suffered greatly from over-popularity. As a kid this was my film. No one really knew about it but every Christmas you would catch it on HBO and have an absolute blast. Now it has become this big tradition and it spoils the illicit fun of it. As an adult all I do is watch and wonder a) what the hell happened to Peter Billingsly, b) if one ever expected for one of the kids in the film to later appear in a porno and c) why they don't bring Real People starring Skip Stephenson and Sarah Purcell back on the air. Oh, and why we ever thought it was a great idea to arm small children.
Friday Deecmber 5
The Story of Santa Claus (8 PM, WGN): A toymaker is evicted from his shop in this animated special teaching the dangers of subprime lending practices.
Sunday, December 7
A Christmas Carol (9:30 PM, AMC): The story of a succesful businessman whose cost cutting techniques and efficiency improvements make him a leader of industry. Also, teaches the important lesson of using QuickBooks as opposed to a moralistic accountant.
A Christmas Visitor (6 PM, Hallmark): Remind me not to switch to the Hallmark channel in the next month. Here is the synopsis "Tragic news spoils a family's holiday." Sheesh. Can't we have something at least a little upbeat?
Monday December 8
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): I have two words for you; "Hell" and "Yeah". The greatest Christmas special ever. The music, the dancing, Pig Pen playing standup bass, Snoopy winning first prize for his doghouse, Dolly Madison advertisements, Linus' speech, the little Christmas tree and Joy to the World. And yes, this is from someone who has a painting of Snoopy hanging in his living room.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): While Charlie Brown might be the best, this is probably my absolute favorite. A bookish mouse (with glasses and an unbelievable resemblence to myself) writes a letter causing Santa to skip their town. Great songs and an interesting story. I'll always be eight years old whenever I watch it.
Jingle all the Way (7 PM, ABC Family): Governor Schwarzenegger stars with his Secretary of the Interior Sinbad in a film about the importance of using executive privlige to obtain the perfect toy for your family. Only film in history in which a reviewer has used the phrase "Could have used more Sinbad."
Tuesday, December 9
A Garfield Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): Eh, I guess it is about a lazy cat. Lasagna will probably get mentioned at some point. Maybe they'll finally explain why this single guy lives with a cat and a dog that he talks to every day. Nerml might also make an appearance, in case that makes it more interesting for you.
Wednesday. December 10
Home Alone (7 PM, Syndicated): Watch Macauley Culkin commit numerous acts of attempted murder.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Taken from the classic A. A. Milne tale....ok, I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the classic stories. I actually have the very copies of the books that I read as a child in my apartment at this moment because Christopher Robin was the only literary character I knew growing up who had the same name as I did. But since I enjoy the characters (as do my nieces and nephews) I can't complain about this as all. Well, other than the fact that grammatically speaking the title should be 'Winnie the Pooh and Christmas As Well!'
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8 PM, ABC Family): In case you are already tired of Christmas specials and want to get an early jump on New Year's.
Thursday, December 11
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys (8 PM, ABC Family): I really think that the Island of Misfit Toys could carry a special by themselves. They need no additional assistance.
Friday, December 12
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): You know how I mentioned that I like Winnie the Pooh because of Christopher Robin? This is my sister's favorite because it features a Karen. It also teaches children the importance of magic hats and the impact of global warming.
Saturday, December 13
The Little Drummer Boy and The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (8 AM and 8:30 AM, ABC Family): Less an animated special and more of one hour of sonic torture as the song is played on an infinite loop. I mention this show just so parents will find a way to get their children away from the television set for this one.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1 PM, ABC Family): Ok, when the hell did they make all these additional specials? When I was a kid you had the two Rudolph's (Xmas and New Year's) and one Frosty. Now they have one for July? Why, is this so kids in Australia don't feel left out? Talk about the commercialization of Christmas. I didn't realize that Frost the Snowman was a brand.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): Do you know that I still haev not seen this movie? I have gone my entire life without watching more than five minutes of it. That might explain an awful lot when you come to think of it.
Sunday, December 14
The Santa Clause 2 (7 PM, ABC): Tim Allen: We can make him fatter and jollier. We can make his belly roll like a spoonful of jelly. We just can't make him funny.
Holiday in Handcuffs (3 PM, ABC Family): This one sounds like it should be on either Hallmark or Lifetime. "A waitress kidnaps a hunk to join her at Christmas." It does explain what Melissa Joan Hart has been doing these past couple of years, though.
Monday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Anything that features Rerun is worth watching. My favorite Rerun quote is from when the teacher asked the class if it had any suggestions for storytime, "Yes, can we hear the part where Anna Karennina throws herself under the train. No? Sigh. Alright, let's hear about Jack and Jill again."
Wednesday, December 17
A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (7 PM, NBC): Note to people buying me gifts. Fozzy Bear collection of the Muppet Show. That is all. I need my Pigs in Space.
A Christmas Carol (8 PM, TNT): Captain Picard beams down to Victorian England to learn improved management techniques from the master.
Friday, December 19
A Holly Jolly Pops Holiday with the Barenaked Ladies (9 PM, PBS): I guess we are all going to ignore the cocaine charge that the lead singer was just hit with. Just a thought, PBS, you might want to check into those things before you build the programming schedule.
Saturday, December 20
A Very Brady Christmas (8 AM, ABC Family): As much as I would like to relive my childhood and watch the Brady Bunch if I am getting up that early on a Saturday morning the Snorks better be on. Followed by Dungeons and Dragons, Shirt Tales and Superstars of Wrestling.
Christmas in Wonderland (7 PM, ABC Family): This stars Patrick Swayze and Carmen Electra. I'm not even going to bother explaining the plot. If that doesn't catch your eye nothing will.
Sunday, December 21
Lights: Celebrate Hanukkah Live in Concert (11 AM, PBS): Ooh, a multi-cultural holiday special. On an eighteen page print out this was the only one I could find so you should probably watch it.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (1:30 AM, WGN): Because nothing beats Christmas in front of an open fire than Christmas in front of a television set replicating an open fire.
Have a happy holidays everyone!
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