Musical Questions That Require Answers

Dear MacArthur Foundation,

I would like to request a Genius Grant in order to pursue additional research into the following musical questions. With adequate funding I truly believe that I would be able to conclusively solve the following conundrums of our time.

· Would Jenny really go through the hassle of calling up the phone company, filling out the proper forms, waiting for the service technician and notifying all of her friends and family of her new number just so someone would not be able to make her his? Especially in the days before email and cellular technology. Also, even if she did change her number wouldn’t you just be able to mail her a letter instead? Her number is obviously listed so you should be able to access her address as well.

· Why are we constantly waiting on Eileen? No one really likes her and she is such a pain in the ass when it comes to showing up on time. Maybe we should just not invite her next time.

· In fact Eileen, if you would have shown up when you were supposed to we would be more than halfway there already. Now I have to take you by the hand and promise on my immortal soul that we will make it there. Why must I put my spiritual existence on the line just because you needed to make sure your hair was perfect?

· With proper safety equipment would I be able to touch this? Perhaps robots could be constructed in order to satisfy the tactile requirements or will mere physical pressure cause the inherent instability of this to cause a catastrophic failure?

· If everyone on the planet simultaneously jumped around would the resulting impact on the earth’s surface result in a shifting of the planet’s orbit thus possibly negating our ability to get down?

· Can we twist again like we did last summer if in fact we did not twist in the previous year? Hypothetically speaking, if one had just spent twelve months in a full body cast would they then be required to stand perfectly still? Also, does this create the possibility of an infinite loop in which every summer must be spent in a twisting fashion?

· From a philosophical, ethical and theological standpoint is it more important to have one’s mind on their money or their money on their mind? In addition, what is the proper beverage to imbibe in while contemplating this dilemma?

· What is the financial and ecological impact of letting the dogs out? How many additional city and state employees will be required to sufficiently limit the societal impact of the roving packs that will most certainly result from such an event?

· Can one construct a standard metric of sexiness in order to determine the precise moment at which one’s sexiness would result in the need of having haberdashers taking extra precautions in designing one’s accessories?

· At what pace must one walk 500 miles (with the measurable probability of walking an additional 500 miles) to reach the destination of one’s beloved prior to her a) moving on with her life and dating a guy she met at the gym or b) having one’s appearance on her doorstep greeted with “Why didn’t you just rent a car, moron!”?

· Given that the question of what is love is beyond the scope of my study, would it still be possible to ensure that one would love another being to an unspecified endpoint? Must both the timeframe and the emotion in question be defined prior to the declaration in order to make it binding in a court of law?

· Finally, can we conclusively determine whether Jeremy inflicts an act of premeditated terror upon his classmates or is it an act of self-destruction aimed at raising a mirror to a vain, petty, painful and utterly pointless teenage existence?

I thank you in advance for your financial assistance.

EC
Named by the Society of Music Theory in 2007 as “The Man Who Put the Bop in the Bop Shoo Bop Shoo Bop”

Wednesday Night Music Club: Since moving out to the East Coast there has been much that has made me miss Kansas. Well, some people of course but nothing cultural. That is until this weekend when The Get Up Kids played a reunion concert three blocks from my old apartment. I am so unbelievably bummed that I was not able to be there. Their farewell concert is still one of my favorite shows ever and it is great to see that they have decided to get together for a few shows. Here is an early video from back when they really were just a bunch of kids from Olathe.