But Lava Girl Cannot Love Icicle Boy!

Many people have raised concerns about my embracing of schadenfreude in both the blog and my personal life. They worry about what it means when I spend pages making a mockery of other’s dating techniques or performing a victory dance when the executive who was most responsible for my not only quitting a job but also moving across the country just so I wouldn’t be in the geographic vicinity when the company imploded. Does it indicate that I am a shallow, spiteful, bitter man? Probably, but boy does it feel good.

On to the home stretch as the Triad face off in order to gain a spot in the finals.

Episode 7: Has Anyone Ever Told You How Much You Look Like Mary Worth?

When last we left the Four Horsemen they learned the tricks of the trade on how to pick up women in a supermarket. “The Total Package” Matt focused on shopping and failed while “The Enforcrer” Rian used his crowbar of love to gain a girl’s trust and phone number. In the tag team challenge, Matt teamed with “The Nature Boy” Simeon and took some girls for a ride on Space Mountain. However, “The Wolverine” Greg turned on his partner Rian and eliminated him from competition. Who will survive the Thunderdome Death Match to make the finals? Let’s find out.

We start with the usual waiting to see who comes out from behind the curtain from the elimination room. The first show that figures out a way to avoid this cliché will gain a lot of points in my book. For this week’s competition we decide to redo last year’s final competition in which the guys have to teach their pick-up skills to one of the unwashed masses. In this case, one of their friends from the comic book shop back home. I’m sorry but if we are going to redo challenges couldn’t we at least do the one about picking up strippers again? Do you know how much material I have on that subject? Wait, that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to.

Looking at the friends Greg has a guy from Utah who well, looks like someone who might possibly show up on your doorstep and wish to have a friendly conversation with you. Simeon has his fraternity buddy who just looks like a guy who has worn shorts every day for the past seven years regardless of situation or temperature. And Matt’s friend is pretty much Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. They all get remade with new outfits and hairstyles, which was interesting when I used to watch it on Queer Eye but now seems rather boring. Simeon gets his buddy to get his lip pierced. You know, I’ve picked up a friend’s girlfriend at the airport but even I would draw the line at piercings just so my buddy could get to hang out with Mystery all day.

(The Flaming Lips just got used as some of the background music. Sigh. I’m sorry Wayne, I’m sure you didn’t mean it to end up this way.)

We get numerous scenes of the guys training each other. Simeon gets rather close with his partner; I’m not sure if that is quite the best way to teach a kiss close. Matt’s friend doesn’t really seem to be into it. At some point you would have to get self-conscious. Anyway, the challenge is obvious. We send the newbies into the club. Whoever does the best wins. Whoever gets maced loses. Much like life in that respect.

Greg’s friend does a quick lap of the bar, talks to no one, and does not smile. Greg goes in to save him and gives him the advice “be confident”. Matador calls him out on it by saying, “I hate it when people say that. What the hell does it mean? It’s not an instruction.” Thank you Matador! I’ve been trying to tell every person who has given me that advice for the past decade the exact same thing. Seriously, I’m just going to hire Matador to hang out with me from now on.

Matt’s friend and Thing stunt double is next into the club. He should be able to attract women by gravity alone. He looks none to happy to even be in the club as he looks like, well, like most of the guys who hang out at the bars I go to. The type of guy whose hand is never more than six inches from his beer at a time. Matt gives him some advice and makes him smile and this results in a set opening that actually goes some distance before it derails. Still, not bad for a guy who doesn’t want to be there.

Simeon’s high impact teaching technique seems to pay dividends. His buddy immediately goes into a set even though it fails. Simeon then gives him step by step instructions, including I believe bringing a whiteboard into the club to diagram precisely what he is doing wrong. This leads his buddy into another set where he ignores the massive bald guy who looks like he is about to pummel him and somehow gets a number. Not a bad job at all and Simeon wins and makes the final two.

Greg and Matt have the usual kvetching over who will be eliminated. In a nutshell, Greg did a poor job at teaching his student while Matt did a poor job of inspiring his. My choice is for Matt to continue on. Partly because I don’t want him to be punished for having less to work with but mainly because Greg has disappointed me in his complete lack of progress. The guy shouldn’t even need the show and if he is trying to be an actor he doesn’t deserve to be in even the same room as Matador. And Mystery agrees with me so it is Matt and Simeon in the finals.

Next week: The Final Showdown. Pickup Thunderdome. Two men, a goat, and a jar of mayonnaise enter. Only one man (and possibly the goat) leaves. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion.