We have come to this, my friends: the finale of the second season of The Pick Up Artist. No longer will we have a chance to watch nerds get rejected as they try to attract women out of their league. Soon Mystery will take his magical hat and goggles and disappear only to promise to come back again some day like a Cassanova Snowman. Tara will return to being a waitress or bartender or whatever she does in her real life. And sadly, no longer will we be granted words of wisdom from my idol, Matador. That is, until I pay the three grand for the weekend training session in the hotel conference room as pictured above. Yes, that is a real course and a real price. The wonders of supply and demand.
Episode 8: I’ll take two fours and a two instead
When last we left our young Jedi they were faced with the important task of taking on a padwan of their own. Simeon taught his the ways of the Force and the importance of lip piercing and advanced one step close to a seat on the Jedi Council. Meanwhile, Matt was challenged to bring his nerf herder to a higher level and after much consultation with Qui-Jon has grown beyond the rank of Youngling. Greg had to challenge the Rancor and failed thus showing that no one from Utah, even if he had been trained by Master Yoda, will ever be a Pick Up Artist. Who will take the seat next to the Conehead Jedi? Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Let’s find out.
We start with Matt and Simeon calmly talking about their last challenge and facing each other for the top prize. This is the only reality show in which there is no drama between the contestants. I guess that is what happens when you put a bunch of guys with low self-esteem together. You’re not going to get many arguments.
For our first challenge we are going to test precision and speed, which sounds more apt for a Quickfire on Top Chef than this show. The goal will be to go out into the field and kiss a girl in the shortest amount of time possible. Mystery at least tempers that command by saying “using the proper techniques”, which is good and probably will result in slightly lower lawyer fees for this season. And we can all be happy that the challenge is not to see who could cop a feel first at least in terms of feeling proud of the human species.
They enter the club and we get a running clock as well. Both use their standard Dirty Dancing and Ocean’s Eleven openers that sound as dumb now as they did two months ago. Simeon isolates a blonde while Matt gains a two set and they all sit down right next to each other. Well, guess this makes it easier for the cameramen. Matt has his main target stolen from him and we all get to watch him shake his head in disgust and then go, “Oh well, guess I’ll go for the other one instead.” They both kiss close in under sixteen minutes, thus giving all of us a standard to measure ourselves against every night at the bar. I’ll be sure to use my cell phone as a stop watch to be sure. Simeon wins for crossing the line first.
We are then introduced to the idea behind the final challenge. Matador has invited a number of Perfect 10’s over to the house and it is up to our contestants to seduce them and bring them back to their bedrooms. And show them their comic book collection, or maybe their etchings. Since Simeon wins he gets the Master Bedroom while Matt gets his parents’ basement (actually he just gets the smaller room though that would be awesome). They even get to go furniture shopping to flesh out their bachelor pads even though I think I’ve done a better job than either of them have.
And now we are at the final field test so for one last time, let’s bring on the skanks!
(Before I get hate mail, let’s look at the facts. These are all friends of Mystery, who is known to have a television show. They are arriving at a house that clearly has a full camera crew assembled. They know what the deal is. This is not like meeting girls in a coffee shop in Austin like in the first season.)
We get various scenes of the guys talking to women and both opening up a two set and bringing them back to their respective bedrooms. Simeon almost puts one’s eye out (with a champagne cork, get your mind out of the gutter) while Matt has the two girls sit on his bed while he stands up and gives a lecture in his suit and tie. Seriously Matt, even I don’t do that. Simeon is also shot down as his twosome are a lot less skanky than I previously supposed. So, like all good pick up artists he dumps them and ignores them for the rest of the night as he picks up a buxom blonde, brings her up to his room and starts macking on her. Matt replies in kind by isolating one of his original girls, bringing her to the bedroom, and getting his groove on.
This brings us to the final ceremony. My vote (as I have the show on pause at the moment) is for Simeon to win. Matt has everything I would think women would want in a guy. Good looking, smart, nice, all of which I have learned makes you a horrible pick up artist. Simeon, on the other hand, has the piercings, cowboy hat and manic energy that would make him fit right in along side Mystery and Kosmo. Matador would kick his ass though.
After much deliberation, and a few last speeches, Mystery agrees and names Simeon as The Pick Up Artist. He wins fifty grand, the final medallion and the chance to carry Mystery’s bags around the country for the next year. I’ll have to say Simeon made a hell of a lot of progress. He went from being a hyper rooster who I thought was on drugs to being someone who, while still a little high energy, definitely has a sense of style and purpose about him.
A fun season as always but as the boom shot during the closing shows, a little too fake this time around. There was no coffee shop challenge (which was inspiring), no picking up a woman on a bridge (a restraining order waiting to happen) and no picking up a stripper (still one of the most memorable pieces of television ever). While we did have a grocery store challenge I have a sinking feeling that was done on a stage as I have never seen a grocery store with a hand written sign reading “vegetables” on the wall. As for the entire concept of being a Pick Up Artist I guess it all is a matter of degrees. The ideas are sound: be confident, take an interest in others, and have fun. I still dislike the made up stories and conquest aspect of the whole endeavor but like I said, it is all a matter of degrees. I’ve learned things so who knows, maybe I’ll be wearing the top hat soon enough.
Wednesday Night Music Club: For those of you who have been following me on Facebook you have probably noticed that I have been in a dark mood as of late. Lots of reasons behind it, most of which I don’t feel like getting into here. But I will share what I listen to in order to sense a bit more of the wonder in the world. I think every alarm clock should be replaced by Polyphonic Spree songs. Mornings would be much happier places.
Episode 8: I’ll take two fours and a two instead
When last we left our young Jedi they were faced with the important task of taking on a padwan of their own. Simeon taught his the ways of the Force and the importance of lip piercing and advanced one step close to a seat on the Jedi Council. Meanwhile, Matt was challenged to bring his nerf herder to a higher level and after much consultation with Qui-Jon has grown beyond the rank of Youngling. Greg had to challenge the Rancor and failed thus showing that no one from Utah, even if he had been trained by Master Yoda, will ever be a Pick Up Artist. Who will take the seat next to the Conehead Jedi? Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Let’s find out.
We start with Matt and Simeon calmly talking about their last challenge and facing each other for the top prize. This is the only reality show in which there is no drama between the contestants. I guess that is what happens when you put a bunch of guys with low self-esteem together. You’re not going to get many arguments.
For our first challenge we are going to test precision and speed, which sounds more apt for a Quickfire on Top Chef than this show. The goal will be to go out into the field and kiss a girl in the shortest amount of time possible. Mystery at least tempers that command by saying “using the proper techniques”, which is good and probably will result in slightly lower lawyer fees for this season. And we can all be happy that the challenge is not to see who could cop a feel first at least in terms of feeling proud of the human species.
They enter the club and we get a running clock as well. Both use their standard Dirty Dancing and Ocean’s Eleven openers that sound as dumb now as they did two months ago. Simeon isolates a blonde while Matt gains a two set and they all sit down right next to each other. Well, guess this makes it easier for the cameramen. Matt has his main target stolen from him and we all get to watch him shake his head in disgust and then go, “Oh well, guess I’ll go for the other one instead.” They both kiss close in under sixteen minutes, thus giving all of us a standard to measure ourselves against every night at the bar. I’ll be sure to use my cell phone as a stop watch to be sure. Simeon wins for crossing the line first.
We are then introduced to the idea behind the final challenge. Matador has invited a number of Perfect 10’s over to the house and it is up to our contestants to seduce them and bring them back to their bedrooms. And show them their comic book collection, or maybe their etchings. Since Simeon wins he gets the Master Bedroom while Matt gets his parents’ basement (actually he just gets the smaller room though that would be awesome). They even get to go furniture shopping to flesh out their bachelor pads even though I think I’ve done a better job than either of them have.
And now we are at the final field test so for one last time, let’s bring on the skanks!
(Before I get hate mail, let’s look at the facts. These are all friends of Mystery, who is known to have a television show. They are arriving at a house that clearly has a full camera crew assembled. They know what the deal is. This is not like meeting girls in a coffee shop in Austin like in the first season.)
We get various scenes of the guys talking to women and both opening up a two set and bringing them back to their respective bedrooms. Simeon almost puts one’s eye out (with a champagne cork, get your mind out of the gutter) while Matt has the two girls sit on his bed while he stands up and gives a lecture in his suit and tie. Seriously Matt, even I don’t do that. Simeon is also shot down as his twosome are a lot less skanky than I previously supposed. So, like all good pick up artists he dumps them and ignores them for the rest of the night as he picks up a buxom blonde, brings her up to his room and starts macking on her. Matt replies in kind by isolating one of his original girls, bringing her to the bedroom, and getting his groove on.
This brings us to the final ceremony. My vote (as I have the show on pause at the moment) is for Simeon to win. Matt has everything I would think women would want in a guy. Good looking, smart, nice, all of which I have learned makes you a horrible pick up artist. Simeon, on the other hand, has the piercings, cowboy hat and manic energy that would make him fit right in along side Mystery and Kosmo. Matador would kick his ass though.
After much deliberation, and a few last speeches, Mystery agrees and names Simeon as The Pick Up Artist. He wins fifty grand, the final medallion and the chance to carry Mystery’s bags around the country for the next year. I’ll have to say Simeon made a hell of a lot of progress. He went from being a hyper rooster who I thought was on drugs to being someone who, while still a little high energy, definitely has a sense of style and purpose about him.
A fun season as always but as the boom shot during the closing shows, a little too fake this time around. There was no coffee shop challenge (which was inspiring), no picking up a woman on a bridge (a restraining order waiting to happen) and no picking up a stripper (still one of the most memorable pieces of television ever). While we did have a grocery store challenge I have a sinking feeling that was done on a stage as I have never seen a grocery store with a hand written sign reading “vegetables” on the wall. As for the entire concept of being a Pick Up Artist I guess it all is a matter of degrees. The ideas are sound: be confident, take an interest in others, and have fun. I still dislike the made up stories and conquest aspect of the whole endeavor but like I said, it is all a matter of degrees. I’ve learned things so who knows, maybe I’ll be wearing the top hat soon enough.
Wednesday Night Music Club: For those of you who have been following me on Facebook you have probably noticed that I have been in a dark mood as of late. Lots of reasons behind it, most of which I don’t feel like getting into here. But I will share what I listen to in order to sense a bit more of the wonder in the world. I think every alarm clock should be replaced by Polyphonic Spree songs. Mornings would be much happier places.
No comments:
Post a Comment