2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part Two)

Time for Part II in the three part examination of every bowl game under the sun (including the Sun Bowl, which I guess is technically on the sun.) Tonight, The December 30th and 31st games also known as “for having a respectable season enjoy this trip to someplace warm while playing a game that no one will remember a week from now.”

December 30:
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Maryland vs. Nevada: I am so pissed that I am going to be working when this game is on. Thankfully, I work in an office surrounded by televisions and might be able to coerce one into being tuned to my favorite bowl game of the year. Let’s count the things that make this game awesome: 1) Whereas bowl games were originally named for things that you could put in a bowl (roses, oranges, tangerines, blue bonnets) this game is named after the vague concept of humanitarianism, 2) The fact that humanitarianism is celebrated via an event where large men try to hit each other as hard as possible is a wonder to behold, 3) The game is in Boise, Idaho thus meaning that Maryland fans get to celebrate an above average season by going to Idaho, 4) Bronco Stadium in Boise has the smurf turf, which makes for an amazing sight from a television perspective and also creates situations where birds dive to their deaths thinking that the field is a lake. I like any bowl game where the overall reaction to watching it is, “What the hell?”

Texas Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Rice: You don’t mess with the Texas Bowl. If you were allowed to mess with it I would wish to rename it the “Bowl of Texas Chili featuring Rice”. Otherwise there is no real reason for this game to exist. Given that it is on the NFL Network there is a strong possibility that this game does not actually exist. No one cares about the two teams, no one is going to see the game, and there is no history to the event. For the sake of time could we just have a member of each team sit in front of an Xbox and play NCAA Football 2009 to determine the winner? It would probably draw higher ratings.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Oregon: Of all the early bowl games this is the only one that has any sense of history to it. I mean real history as opposed to funny stories regarding sponsorships. National champions (or at least BYU) have been crowned in this game and it usually features a final score of 57-52 with seven interceptions, three safeties, and one player spontaneously combusting in the third quarter. This is one of those bad color matchups as we have Oklahoma State, the only team that can find a bad shade of orange to use in its uniforms, against Oregon who usually shows up in some Nike abomination featuring fire truck yellow and fluorescent lime green. If that occurs I recommend switching from high def in this one.

(I really do wonder why more teams do not use orange in their team colors. I always felt that Illinois looks really sweet with a stadium decked out in the color.)

December 31:
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Total mismatch in this one. Air Force consists of players who are a) members of the armed forces and b) trained in flying helicopters whereas Houston mainly consists of guys who are constantly told how awesome Andre Ware used to be. The game is being held in Fort Worth at the Amon G. Carter Stadium thus raising the question “Why doesn’t anyone name their kids Amon anymore?” You do have to wonder how valuable a sponsorship this is for Bell Helicopter though. I can see Pacific Life hoping that someone will tune into the game and go, “I really need to pick up some life insurance.” How many people will being sitting on the couch and turn to the wife and say, “You know what we need? Our own helicopter.”

Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh: Yes, it is the return of the Brut Sun Bowl brought to you by Faberge. Always have to respect any game sponsored by a cologne that you thought would get you laid when you were thirteen. Why Wrangler, Old Spice and Polo in the Green Bottle Splashed On In Amounts That Will Kill a Small Animal do not have similar sponsorships is a mystery for the ages. Pitt is coached by Dave Wannstadt, the sworn enemy of all Chicago Bears fans and the owner of the best porn mustache amongst the college coaching fraternity. The fact that I was present for Wanny outcoaching Weis this year explains just why I would like to see Charlie outsourced as soon as possible. This will leave me cheering for Oregon State whose fans did produce my second most favorite sign seen on ESPN this year. During the Oregon-Oregon State game (where a win would have given them the Pac-10 title) two female Oregon State fans held up a sign that read “These Beavers smell like roses”. 10 out 10 for originality on that one.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Boston College vs. Vanderbilt: My favorite sign on ESPN was when Vanderbilt hosted Auburn and a guy held up a sign that read “My butler went to Auburn.” Now that is SEC football for you. Vanderbilt is like Northwestern or Duke or Stanford except without the prestige and notoriety. Yes, it is a top school but it just doesn’t carry the same cache as other schools. Boston College will take the field with various Fluties, a number of female fans in pink jerseys and the air of smugness that is now apparently a god given right for every Boston sports fan. Fun Fact: this Nashville based game is being played at LP Field, which creates this whole retro, analog based feel to the entire event.

Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota: I assume that everyone in Kansas City is already sick of hearing the sportscasters giving their insights on the Insight Bowl. Personally, I would be proud of the fact that they are advanced enough to create the pun. This is an epic rivalry between two vaguely Midwestern states which are close enough to be aware of each other but not close enough for anything to really matter. It is more of a matter of determining once and for all which animal reigns supreme: the gopher or the jayhawk. Or which band is better: The Replacements or, uh, Kansas? The Jayhawks were from Minnesota so my musical analogies here are going to get very confusing very quickly.

This game is easy to pick for one reason and one reason only.



One does not mess with the awesome power that is Baby Mangino.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: LSU vs. Georgia Tech: Flying out of Philadelphia, especially on US Air, is one of the worst experiences known to man. All it is is a mass of delays, crowds, and twenty dollar a day parking lots. So when I had to fly out the Sunday of Thanksgiving for work my sole comfort was that I would get to have dinner at the Chick-Fil-A in the US Air terminal. Except that I found out that even at the airport on the busiest travel day of the year they follow the rule that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday because it is meant to be a day of rest. You would not believe how upset this made me. I had never wanted an overrated chicken sandwich more in my life. This is almost as bad as no longer calling this the Peach Bowl. If the game is in Georgia then it is the Peach Bowl. No questions asked.

This game is made for me. I get a scrappy Georgia Tech team running the triple option coached by the old Navy head coach. I have my fellow Cajuns taking the field and running around like madmen. Plus the game is at night on New Year’s Eve so people like me will have something to watch as we sit morosely in our apartments, alone and miserable, wondering about how our lives have become a pathetic farce of the idyllic world that we are force fed by mass media every moment of our existence. Oh, and we get commercials that feature parachuting cows! So we have existential crisis, gimmick offenses and cows. Best way to end a year that I know of.

Tomorrow: The January games in which we answer the question “What Big Ten team will I watch lose this year while nursing a hangover?”