Given the BCS announcements yesterday and the publishing of the bowl schedule it is time for the third annual Battling the Current Bowl Preview. This year I am going to take on the added challenge of analyzing every game in chronological order thus providing you with everything you will need to sound intelligent in discussions at Christmas parties, sports bars and unemployment lines. Due to the fact that there are way more bowl games than necessary I will break this into several parts. Tonight: The games through December 29th also known as the “who the hell cares” games.
December 20:
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy: Navy is going to be favored in this one as the game is being played in Washington D.C. at RFK thus providing the Midshipmen the natural advantage of being a) near Annapolis, b) near the Pentagon, and c) close to water. It is one of the unwritten rules of college sports that no one ever discusses the fact that Wake Forest has the most disturbing nickname in all of sports. Going up against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons is equivalent to having to line up across from the Notre Dame Satanic Priests.
New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State vs. Fresno State: This is the only bowl game played in an artists’ commune with each player receiving their own Georgia O’Keefe print. It is also not a good sign when you can’t even afford a sponsor and thus name the game after the state it is held in. However, tune into the game if just for the halftime show featuring Weird Al Yankovic performing the full 11 minute and 22 second version of his song “Albuquerque”. Well, you got any jelly donuts? No! We don’t have any jelly donuts!
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis vs. South Florida. For the life of me, I have no clue what the hell magicJack is supposed to be. It could either be a car protection system, an online poker site, or a personal lubricant and I for one have no interest in finding out which is correct. I’m going to assume that South Florida is the home team here even though I have no idea where in Florida either South Florida or St. Petersburg is. I might have to watch this game for the educational value alone.
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona: For the third straight year BYU is playing in a bowl game in Las Vegas and per my contract as an internet blogger I am required by law to make the following jokes: A) I recommend Cheetah’s for those BYU fans looking for wives four through seven, B) I have been informed that the pool at the Hard Rock Café has been converted into a kiddie pool and C) It will be very easy for Arizona fans to find each other in the casinos as, well, they will be the ones in the casino. Sigh. Three straight years of having to make the same jokes.
(However, for those of you who remember the show Big Love I just want to say that Chloe Sevigny is probably the most strangely attractive actress I have ever seen. You wouldn’t immediately think so but there is something about you that catches your eye.)
December 21:
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy: Half a state versus just one man. The biggest, baddest man on the planet. Troy doesn’t even warm up. He just shows up at kickoff and goes “bring it”. However, I’m going with Southern Miss on this one (even though it is the home of several Favres) due to the old pro wrestling rule that no one name wrestler ever becomes world champ. If you are named Warlord or Barbarian or Mantaur odds are you won’t be headlining Wrestlemania. That’s why certain wrestlers have to be renamed to Psycho Sid or The Man They Call Vader or Sting but Not the One from the Band, This One Wears Facepaint.
December 23:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: I pity the announcing crew for this one as they will have to repeat that name over and over again. Also, how the hell did Boise State get screwed over so royally in the bowls this year? They went undefeated, handled every challenge that was thrown their way, and as a result are playing before Christmas. Sure, San Diego is an improvement over Boise but they really deserve to be playing in January. Hell, if there was a playoff I would want them in it. Also, I expect at least one call of “TCU takes it to the bank” during the game.
December 24:
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame: Let me get this straight. The highlights of Notre Dame’s season consisted of a) not losing to Navy twice in a row and b) sucking less than Michigan. They lost at least three games that any Notre Dame team should have won and one of those was to one of the worst teams in the nation. As a result the football team and Charlie Weis get to leave lovely South Bend in December and spend some time in Hawaii. It is nice to see that Notre Dame Football has appropriated the motto of most members of the Notre Dame Law School. “What do you call the student who finishes last in his class at Notre Dame Law?” “Lawyer (or possibly John)”
You also have to feel sorry for the kids at Hawaii who work all year and get stuck staying home in Hawaii for the holidays as opposed to going to such lovely locales as Detroit or Shreveport. It just doesn’t seem fair that they have to stay in the hell on earth that is Honolulu in December.
December 26:
Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan: There is a strong possibility that the footballs will be repossessed in the third quarter so getting out to a quick lead will be paramount in this one. Fans will also be asked to bring in donations in unmarked bills, preferably tens and twenties. Halftime entertainment will be a song and dance routine performed by several CEOs. As for the game it will be just like a classic Florida versus Michigan matchup just with flawed design, shoddy workmanship and an unnerving sense that the entire basis that the entire global economy is built upon is crumbling before our very eyes.
December 27:
Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina: As a kid it was my dream to play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is one of those games where you wish that they would play one half as football and one half as basketball because it would make it a lot more interesting. Or, have the basketball coaches on the sidelines. I would love to see Bob Huggins prowling a football sideline or Roy Williams get creamed by a linebacker who missed a tackle and accidentally speared him instead. In fact, I say we petition to have this made a reality.
Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida State: Kind of strange seeing this matchup on anything other than New Year’s Day. I’m so used to seeing them in January that it doesn’t make sense to have them play any other time. While I find it difficult to cheer for Wisconsin under any circumstances the first girl I fell in love with left me for a guy who was a Florida State fan so I hate that school on general principles. Don’t ask me how that logic works, it just does.
Emerald Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. California: I’m not sure if this is sponsored by Emerald Nuts, the gem emerald or just the color green. California is representing the Pac-10 (Conference Motto: 9 fine academic institutions and Arizona State) while Miami is representing a work release program. Can’t say I have any problems with taking Miami in this one. Let’s say you take two people of equal talent and say “You can either go to Miami or you can go to Berkley.” Who would you want in a game that requires speed, power and the ability to mercilessly punish someone for no reason other than he is wearing a different shirt than you are?
December 28:
Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech: I so miss the days of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. To this day I long to have a lawn just so I could own a Poulan Weed Eater. It was the coolest bowl sponsorship ever. Louisiana Tech gets to travel to Shreveport, which means I think they have to go down the block or something. And yes, Northern Illinois is in a bowl game while Illinois is not. I’d rather not think about it. Well, at least we still have the Chief. What, they took that away as well? Is our basketball team still good? Please?
Papajohns.com Bowl: NC State vs. New Jersey State (Ooops, I mean Rutgers): Upon entering the stadium all fans will be given two small peppers and a container of sauce without asking for them upon which they will stare at them, wonder what they are for and then sheepishly toss away when no one is looking. However, if the game takes more than three hours they will get tickets to next year’s game at half price. I still find it hilarious that the sponsor is the website and not Papa Johns itself. Like they assume that it will be better publicity if they put a dot com at the end of it. I’d talk about the two teams but, really, does anyone care now that Ray Rice has left Rutgers?
December 29:
Valero Alamo Bowl: Missouri vs. Northwestern: Oh for crying out loud. Northwestern makes a bowl game and Illinois does not. For what I am paying those guys, I mean donating to the program, I expect more. My biggest fear is that Missouri will wear those bright yellow jerseys against the purple of Northwestern and my television set will explode. I think I’ll cheer for Missouri in this one just because I saw Son Volt play in Columbia once and that is more than I can say for the city of Evanston.
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