If you are like me and have finished your Thanksgiving Dinner, hidden in the basement to avoid washing dishes and/or talking to relatives and are trying to come to grips that you just lost a hondo on the Lions (damn you Dante Culpepper) that can mean only one thing: it is time to plan your holiday TV schedule. Lucky for you I have scoured the television listings and can provide you with the ultimate in television experience. All shows are real and times are in CST (as this is based off of a Chicago Sun-Times list). Also, please note that if financial conditions have resulted in Christmas being cancelled this year please use this list as a way to remember how great this season used to be before the world collapsed. Or watch The Road as that will make a wonderful post-apocalyptic holiday tale. Here we go.
Thursday, Nov. 27:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): Yes I know that this has already occurred. However, I would be amiss if I did not mention this holiday classic, including the giant turkey float and poorly lip synched Broadway show tunes, for two specific reasons. One, Miley Cyrus performed because it is now a law that Miley Cyrus performs at every event. Two, there was a giant Smurf balloon this year. Just the concept of a giant smurf is enough to make me smile.
Mircale on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): Again in the past but this is the woderful 1947 version. However, I am not sure if this was the romantic and blissful black and white version or the colorized version in which Natalie Wood looks as though she spent six months in Chernobyl and is ready to destroy New York.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (7 PM, ABC): One of the lesser known Peanuts special. I assume popcorn is involved. And maybe a subplot about Woodstock being quite upset about the entire holiday being centered around the eating of a fellow bird. I doubt that he will be happy at the dinner table to say the least.
An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving (8 PM, Hallmark): Watch as Jacquelline Bisset plays a puritan who unwittingly infects the indigenous people with smallpox. Oops, sorry, wrong show. Single mom, wealthy mother, insert typical Hallmark ploy.
Fruday, November 28:
Elf (6 PM, USA): Let's say you were forced to watch a Will Ferrell movie over the holidays. Since they are all the same I guess it really doesn't matter which one you pick. This one at least has Bob Newhart in it. You could probably change channels after his scenes are done.
Silver Bells (6 PM, Hallmark): A visiting farmer falls for a New York widow. Discovers said widow is in fact Anne Heche. Hilarity ensues. Farmer ends up fleeing to the countryside as he realizes the true meaning of Christmas is to spend as much time with cows as possible.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (9 PM, Comedy Central): Yes, Jeff Dunham has a Woozle and his name is Peanut. Do you know when I first saw his act? When I was in high school! And he is still bringing out that damn Woozle! If you want to spend your Friday night watching a ventriloquist perform go right ahead. In my book they are just slightly ahead of mimes.
Saturday, November 29
One Magic Christmas (10 AM, Hallmark): A 6 year old restores her mom's holiday spirit. Then ruins it when on Christmas morning she throws a huge fit when she is given the wrong American Girl doll. "I wanted Kit! Can't you do anything right?"
A Very Married Christmas (2 PM, Lifetime): Ok, here is the actual review I have in front of me. "A man learns just before the holiday that his cheating wife wants a divorce". Thank you, Lifetime. This is quite possibly the most cynical concept behind a holiday movie ever made.
Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus / Meet the Santas (4 PM and 6 PM. Hallmark): A double dose of Steve Guttenberg as Santa's son needs to find a wife and, of course, hilarity ensues. Actually, how tough would it be to be Santa's kid. You're stuck at the North Pole and there are absolutely no women around. Even as a kid while the elves were your size they were all like five hundred years old and probably just hang out back after work smoking and playing cards. And dad will never let you take Rudolph out for a ride. You're only trusted with Blitzen. Tough life.
The Santa Clause (6:15 PM, TBS): Tim Allen in a fat suit. Ok, a fatter suit.
Sunday, November 30
The Christmas Shoes (8 PM, Lifetime): Rob Lowe is a workaholic lawyer who crosses paths with a boy on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen this but I am going to guess that the boy teaches Rob Lowe that money and success is no replacement for human connections and the feeling of pride after helping one's fellow man. Also, since this is on Lifetime I am guessing that Meredith Baxter Birney also makes an appearance.
Monday, December 1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7:30 PM, ABC): This is the classic animated special. As someone whose cardiologist did diagnose him with having Grinch syndrome I would like to state that my heart is not, in fact, three sizes to small. I contend that my heart is properly sized, it is my body that is three sizes too large. Plus, those bastards in Whoville got what they deserved. Their incessant singing creates an immense amount of noise pollution in addition to the waste of natural resources tied to their decorations.
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): This would be the woefully unfunny Jim Carrey version. Hey, ever want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Nope, me neither.
Tuesday, December 2
Larry the Cable Guy's Star Studded Christmas Extravaganza (9 PM, CMT): Oh for crying out loud. Really people? I mean, what the hell? We take a day that is meant to commemorate the birth of our savior, the moment in which God allows himself to enter the world in human form as a helpless and innocent child, and celebrate it by watching Larry the Cable Guy? Is that what this holiday has come to? Jeff Foxworthy makes an appearance, to the surprise of absolutely no one.
Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (10 PM, Hallmark): Great scheduling by the Hallmark people here as I assume that a number of little girls will be allowed to stay up until 10 on a school night to watch this one. And again, why does Kit get short changed on this? Totally unfair.
Wednesday, December 3
Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): I still say this should just be called "Hermie the Misfit Elf and friends" but that is just me. Look, I might be a cynical bastard but even I smile at Rudolph. And I have tried to mimic Rudolph's voice whenever I say "She thinks I'm cute". Sadly, I don't get to use that impression nearly as much as I would like.
A Christmas Story (7 PM, TNT and roughly every two hours thereafter until you wish for someone to run a backhoe over your cable line): This film has suffered greatly from over-popularity. As a kid this was my film. No one really knew about it but every Christmas you would catch it on HBO and have an absolute blast. Now it has become this big tradition and it spoils the illicit fun of it. As an adult all I do is watch and wonder a) what the hell happened to Peter Billingsly, b) if one ever expected for one of the kids in the film to later appear in a porno and c) why they don't bring Real People starring Skip Stephenson and Sarah Purcell back on the air. Oh, and why we ever thought it was a great idea to arm small children.
Friday Deecmber 5
The Story of Santa Claus (8 PM, WGN): A toymaker is evicted from his shop in this animated special teaching the dangers of subprime lending practices.
Sunday, December 7
A Christmas Carol (9:30 PM, AMC): The story of a succesful businessman whose cost cutting techniques and efficiency improvements make him a leader of industry. Also, teaches the important lesson of using QuickBooks as opposed to a moralistic accountant.
A Christmas Visitor (6 PM, Hallmark): Remind me not to switch to the Hallmark channel in the next month. Here is the synopsis "Tragic news spoils a family's holiday." Sheesh. Can't we have something at least a little upbeat?
Monday December 8
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): I have two words for you; "Hell" and "Yeah". The greatest Christmas special ever. The music, the dancing, Pig Pen playing standup bass, Snoopy winning first prize for his doghouse, Dolly Madison advertisements, Linus' speech, the little Christmas tree and Joy to the World. And yes, this is from someone who has a painting of Snoopy hanging in his living room.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): While Charlie Brown might be the best, this is probably my absolute favorite. A bookish mouse (with glasses and an unbelievable resemblence to myself) writes a letter causing Santa to skip their town. Great songs and an interesting story. I'll always be eight years old whenever I watch it.
Jingle all the Way (7 PM, ABC Family): Governor Schwarzenegger stars with his Secretary of the Interior Sinbad in a film about the importance of using executive privlige to obtain the perfect toy for your family. Only film in history in which a reviewer has used the phrase "Could have used more Sinbad."
Tuesday, December 9
A Garfield Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): Eh, I guess it is about a lazy cat. Lasagna will probably get mentioned at some point. Maybe they'll finally explain why this single guy lives with a cat and a dog that he talks to every day. Nerml might also make an appearance, in case that makes it more interesting for you.
Wednesday. December 10
Home Alone (7 PM, Syndicated): Watch Macauley Culkin commit numerous acts of attempted murder.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Taken from the classic A. A. Milne tale....ok, I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the classic stories. I actually have the very copies of the books that I read as a child in my apartment at this moment because Christopher Robin was the only literary character I knew growing up who had the same name as I did. But since I enjoy the characters (as do my nieces and nephews) I can't complain about this as all. Well, other than the fact that grammatically speaking the title should be 'Winnie the Pooh and Christmas As Well!'
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8 PM, ABC Family): In case you are already tired of Christmas specials and want to get an early jump on New Year's.
Thursday, December 11
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys (8 PM, ABC Family): I really think that the Island of Misfit Toys could carry a special by themselves. They need no additional assistance.
Friday, December 12
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): You know how I mentioned that I like Winnie the Pooh because of Christopher Robin? This is my sister's favorite because it features a Karen. It also teaches children the importance of magic hats and the impact of global warming.
Saturday, December 13
The Little Drummer Boy and The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (8 AM and 8:30 AM, ABC Family): Less an animated special and more of one hour of sonic torture as the song is played on an infinite loop. I mention this show just so parents will find a way to get their children away from the television set for this one.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1 PM, ABC Family): Ok, when the hell did they make all these additional specials? When I was a kid you had the two Rudolph's (Xmas and New Year's) and one Frosty. Now they have one for July? Why, is this so kids in Australia don't feel left out? Talk about the commercialization of Christmas. I didn't realize that Frost the Snowman was a brand.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): Do you know that I still haev not seen this movie? I have gone my entire life without watching more than five minutes of it. That might explain an awful lot when you come to think of it.
Sunday, December 14
The Santa Clause 2 (7 PM, ABC): Tim Allen: We can make him fatter and jollier. We can make his belly roll like a spoonful of jelly. We just can't make him funny.
Holiday in Handcuffs (3 PM, ABC Family): This one sounds like it should be on either Hallmark or Lifetime. "A waitress kidnaps a hunk to join her at Christmas." It does explain what Melissa Joan Hart has been doing these past couple of years, though.
Monday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Anything that features Rerun is worth watching. My favorite Rerun quote is from when the teacher asked the class if it had any suggestions for storytime, "Yes, can we hear the part where Anna Karennina throws herself under the train. No? Sigh. Alright, let's hear about Jack and Jill again."
Wednesday, December 17
A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (7 PM, NBC): Note to people buying me gifts. Fozzy Bear collection of the Muppet Show. That is all. I need my Pigs in Space.
A Christmas Carol (8 PM, TNT): Captain Picard beams down to Victorian England to learn improved management techniques from the master.
Friday, December 19
A Holly Jolly Pops Holiday with the Barenaked Ladies (9 PM, PBS): I guess we are all going to ignore the cocaine charge that the lead singer was just hit with. Just a thought, PBS, you might want to check into those things before you build the programming schedule.
Saturday, December 20
A Very Brady Christmas (8 AM, ABC Family): As much as I would like to relive my childhood and watch the Brady Bunch if I am getting up that early on a Saturday morning the Snorks better be on. Followed by Dungeons and Dragons, Shirt Tales and Superstars of Wrestling.
Christmas in Wonderland (7 PM, ABC Family): This stars Patrick Swayze and Carmen Electra. I'm not even going to bother explaining the plot. If that doesn't catch your eye nothing will.
Sunday, December 21
Lights: Celebrate Hanukkah Live in Concert (11 AM, PBS): Ooh, a multi-cultural holiday special. On an eighteen page print out this was the only one I could find so you should probably watch it.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (1:30 AM, WGN): Because nothing beats Christmas in front of an open fire than Christmas in front of a television set replicating an open fire.
Have a happy holidays everyone!
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