Opposite Worlds: Your Utopian Dystopian Reality Show

There is no moment so exciting as the release of a new reality television show. The show could be awesome, like The Pick Up Artist, could introduce a new celebrity to the world, like Mystery on The Pick Up Artist, or could lead you to question the entire worth of the male of the human species like, well, The Pick Up Artist. Over the past few weeks Kim and I have our new reality show obsession in SyFy’s “Opposite Worlds”. (Let’s ignore the fact that a) SyFy isn’t spelled right, b) reality shows can’t really be considered science fiction and c) I will never forgive this channel for taking Mystery Science Theater 3000 off the air.)

Opposite Worlds is basically Big Brother with a twist. The show started with twelve contestants placed on two teams. One team lives in “The Future”, which basically looks like your house would if it was designed as an Apple store. Everything is white and sleek and there are flatscreen monitors and tablets everywhere. The other team lives in “The Past” where they are in what is vaguely a cave with a lot of straw and dirt. Also, the team in the past must wear brown and what appears to be a combination of body suits and animal skins at all times. In between The Past and The Future is a glass wall so both teams can look at each other at all times.

(I have to comment on the outfits. In the future everyone wears white, skin tight outfits. The women’s outfits have strategic cutouts to show significant amount of skin. The past can best be described as caveman chic. Apparently style is vitally important in what is meant to be the distant past.)

Gameplay is basic reality show fare. Both teams compete head to head in a competition to determine which team gets to choose if they live in the past or the future. This already led to one of my favorite reality moments of recent memory. In the first competition it was a one on one duel in which you would run up to a platform, grab what is meant to be similar to an electric cattle prod and then duel on the platform until someone falls off. As soon as they said the rules I told Kim “Ok, I wouldn’t even bother with the prod and just tackle the other guy when he reaches for his.” Which is exactly what Jesse did, driving his opponent off the platform and breaking his leg. This happened roughly ten minutes into the first show. Jesse was disqualified for the round but a) his team ended up winning anyway and b) the guy with the broken leg had to leave the game. But other than the first significant reality show injury I have seen in ages this is nothing more than your typical Survivor competition with the winner logically staying in the future.

Then things get a little more interesting. Each team nominates someone to be protected and the viewers vote which of those two people will decide who from each team will compete in the “Duel of Destiny”. Yes, every single part of this show has to have some incredibly complex name as opposed to say “the elimination challenge.” So it makes it like the first season of Big Brother in that the home audience has a major say in how the game progresses. They also track Twitter through some strange algorithm to determine who are their most favorite and least favorite players in the game and they get rewarded and punished appropriately. All in all it is a pretty neat concept with a Big Brother atmosphere but where it is much tougher for one alliance or team to just dominate the game.

What makes the show work is that being in the past really does suck. Since they are filming this live the nationwide cold snap has caused the team living in the past to be miserable even in California weather. Though they aren’t roughing it by Survivor standards they are definitely at a disadvantage. But, that just makes them the underdogs and causes the viewers to vote to help them out. Likewise, playing the reality show villain role and scheming gets you punished if you are annoying while someone like Jesse who shows remorse after injuring a guy goes from being the most hated to most liked in the span of a week. Plus, you get the wonderful reality show trope of the luxury of a spa day in which two of the women get treated to luxury and the most gratuitous shots that you could have on basic cable. Replayed at least three times. Admittedly it did help drive their Twitter popularity rank.

Ok, so it isn’t high drama. It’s a dumb reality show without much in terms of strategy so far and you feel more for the contestants who are sitting there for a week in real time for two hours of television. It must be an absolutely boring shoot as it is forced isolation with no real competitions most of the time. But it is just goofy enough and the contestants are just likeable enough to make it interesting. I mean, they played a pick up game of Quidditch this week. What else can you ask for?

Dauber: Bigger than Lennon, Elvis and Justin Timberlake Put Together

Here is your latest sign that the music industry is screwed up beyond all belief. On VH1 Classic right now they are broadcasting three straight hours of old episodes of Coach. A channel that by definition has fifty years of history to draw from, Beatles on Ed Sullivan to Rolling Stones at Altamont to Live Aid to really crappy boy bands to even crappier boy bands to my God, what the hell is a Bieber and why do I care, has decided that its best broadcasting choice is to go completely off brand and just show old episodes of Coach.

Now I do not want to use this space to disparage the classic television sitcom of Coach. Far be it from me to question the enviable talents of Craig T. Nelson or the comedy stylings of the next to funniest member of the Van Dyke family. Clearly the story and history of the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles is more interesting than my own Fighting Illini and I’m pretty sure that we lost to Minnesota State the past five years straight. And anyone who says that Dauber isn’t one of the greatest television characters and assistant coaches of all time is a fool. So no, I am not going to spend my time questioning the merits of Coach or the forgettable years spent coaching the Orlando Breakers (a dark time in our nation’s history to be sure.)

No, what bothers me is that this is on VH-1 Classic when the show has absolutely nothing to do with music altogether. If you are going to just give up and show old television shows why not pick up Happy Days or The Wonder Years, where the music in the background plays a significant role in the series. Hell, why not show WKRP in Cincinnati, which fits the channel perfectly and fills a niche because those shows can’t be released on DVD due to all of the music rights. I’ll take a Haden Fox for Johnny Fever trade straight up and once we bring Bailey into the equation it is a no brainer. I can think of a dozen sitcoms more fitting to the channel than Coach.

Obviously the easy solution to this problem would be to simply play something associated with music. Even if you say that the video is passé you still have untold hours of documentaries and concerts and specials and, because this is VH-1, “I Love the Insert Vague Pop Culture Reference Here” marathons. Hell, I’ll even accept reruns of old VH-1 reality shows. I’ll watch reruns of Flavor of Love or Celebrity Rehab or The Pick Up Artist (which totally deserved a third season by the way). It just seems like this is the laziest programming decision ever.

I know that we are at the end of the lifespan of such concepts as television channels. Soon we will all get whatever content we want online and we will mix and match to create our own channels. Right now I could build my own music video playlist and spend the next few hours in relative bliss. But the wonder of television is that it can surprise you by showing you something that you didn’t know about in a way that recommendation boxes can’t. You can always ignore a recommendation and to be honest, we are so inundated with information that it is just easier to put on blinders. But it is those random moments when you are changing channels or walking the aisle of a bookstore or flipping through CD racks that you stumble on something that changes your life. It kills me that we are losing that part of our culture.

Wednesday Night Music Club: If there was an album from last year that surprised me it was the latest from Richard Buckner. I’ve followed him for more than fifteen years and while I’ve always been a fan and I will be the first to say that his live performances have left me slackjawed in wonder I haven’t been as taken with his recent work. But Surrounded is just an amazing collection of songs. This video of him singing in an art gallery just shows why I’ve spent nearly two decades collecting his music. Just stunning.

Dating Bluders: Volume Two

Keeping with this week’s theme of romance tonight I figured that I would rattle off some of the incredibly stupid things I have done in the attempts to find love, a relationship or just someone who would acknowledge my existence. Usually when people talk about how their relationships fail it is always because of something wrong with the other person. Looking back I’ve finally realized that I was just a complete idiot. I’m married now. After reading the following you will wonder how the hell that happened but understand why it took me nearly seven years of effort to get Kim to go on a date with me.
1) At the age of 29 I took up smoking in an attempt to look cool. Or, as one of my drinking buddies put it. “If you are going to inhale all of this secondhand smoke then you might as well get some benefit from it.” Plus there was the surprisingly accurate logic that if you sit at a bar with a pack of cigarettes and a book of matches in front of you people will talk to you, if only to bum a cigarette. That part of the plan actually worked. It is an amazing prop to have if you need one. However, I never took into account the fact that I did not know how to smoke, that I couldn’t smoke without coughing and that the entire thing made me look even less cool in the process. This culminated when a girl, who had asked me for a cigarette told me, “Give me your phone, I want to call the idiot who told you to start smoking in order to meet women.”

2) Purchased “The Mystery Method” by Mystery of VH1’s The Pick Up Artist fame. Given all of the crap that VH1 now airs why haven’t they brought that show back? We need the wisdom of Matador and J-Dog, damnit. Yes, somewhere in my book collection I have a dating guide that discusses the importance of peacocking and how to utilize negs. Theoretically I purchased this for entertainment purposes. Or at least I hoped so.

3) In the “it was a good idea at the time” category, I knew where one woman I liked would occasionally hang out and since it was near my apartment and the place served alcohol I figured that I would stop by every once in a while in case she was there because if she wasn’t, well, alcohol. This actually worked when I ran into her until I quickly realized that I had no Step 2 to the plan and looked like a total stalker. Yeah, not my best moment.

4) Been the “let’s go out and drink coffee together” guy on more occasions than I would like to admit. This has become a running joke for Kim as whenever I discuss any girl I knew in college she reminds me that going out for coffee doesn’t technically qualify as dating. Admittedly, on an engineering campus being within fifty yards of a woman technically qualifies as dating so I still feel that having a conversation made me a superstar under the circumstances.

5) Rocked the “cool, hip t-shirt under the dress shirt” look for years in an attempt to show that I had a good job but was still with it. Yep, never worked. Never once did I have anyone mention the t-shirt. Ok, one time someone did ask if I had ever been to CBGBs but given that I purchased that t-shirt at Urban Outfitters I felt more embarrassed for being asked the question than anything.

6) Decided that my go to small talk question would be “Who is your favorite muppet?” To be honest, I still think that question is awesome.

Do or Do Not. There is no Try

We have come to this, my friends: the finale of the second season of The Pick Up Artist. No longer will we have a chance to watch nerds get rejected as they try to attract women out of their league. Soon Mystery will take his magical hat and goggles and disappear only to promise to come back again some day like a Cassanova Snowman. Tara will return to being a waitress or bartender or whatever she does in her real life. And sadly, no longer will we be granted words of wisdom from my idol, Matador. That is, until I pay the three grand for the weekend training session in the hotel conference room as pictured above. Yes, that is a real course and a real price. The wonders of supply and demand.

Episode 8: I’ll take two fours and a two instead

When last we left our young Jedi they were faced with the important task of taking on a padwan of their own. Simeon taught his the ways of the Force and the importance of lip piercing and advanced one step close to a seat on the Jedi Council. Meanwhile, Matt was challenged to bring his nerf herder to a higher level and after much consultation with Qui-Jon has grown beyond the rank of Youngling. Greg had to challenge the Rancor and failed thus showing that no one from Utah, even if he had been trained by Master Yoda, will ever be a Pick Up Artist. Who will take the seat next to the Conehead Jedi? Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Let’s find out.

We start with Matt and Simeon calmly talking about their last challenge and facing each other for the top prize. This is the only reality show in which there is no drama between the contestants. I guess that is what happens when you put a bunch of guys with low self-esteem together. You’re not going to get many arguments.

For our first challenge we are going to test precision and speed, which sounds more apt for a Quickfire on Top Chef than this show. The goal will be to go out into the field and kiss a girl in the shortest amount of time possible. Mystery at least tempers that command by saying “using the proper techniques”, which is good and probably will result in slightly lower lawyer fees for this season. And we can all be happy that the challenge is not to see who could cop a feel first at least in terms of feeling proud of the human species.

They enter the club and we get a running clock as well. Both use their standard Dirty Dancing and Ocean’s Eleven openers that sound as dumb now as they did two months ago. Simeon isolates a blonde while Matt gains a two set and they all sit down right next to each other. Well, guess this makes it easier for the cameramen. Matt has his main target stolen from him and we all get to watch him shake his head in disgust and then go, “Oh well, guess I’ll go for the other one instead.” They both kiss close in under sixteen minutes, thus giving all of us a standard to measure ourselves against every night at the bar. I’ll be sure to use my cell phone as a stop watch to be sure. Simeon wins for crossing the line first.

We are then introduced to the idea behind the final challenge. Matador has invited a number of Perfect 10’s over to the house and it is up to our contestants to seduce them and bring them back to their bedrooms. And show them their comic book collection, or maybe their etchings. Since Simeon wins he gets the Master Bedroom while Matt gets his parents’ basement (actually he just gets the smaller room though that would be awesome). They even get to go furniture shopping to flesh out their bachelor pads even though I think I’ve done a better job than either of them have.

And now we are at the final field test so for one last time, let’s bring on the skanks!

(Before I get hate mail, let’s look at the facts. These are all friends of Mystery, who is known to have a television show. They are arriving at a house that clearly has a full camera crew assembled. They know what the deal is. This is not like meeting girls in a coffee shop in Austin like in the first season.)

We get various scenes of the guys talking to women and both opening up a two set and bringing them back to their respective bedrooms. Simeon almost puts one’s eye out (with a champagne cork, get your mind out of the gutter) while Matt has the two girls sit on his bed while he stands up and gives a lecture in his suit and tie. Seriously Matt, even I don’t do that. Simeon is also shot down as his twosome are a lot less skanky than I previously supposed. So, like all good pick up artists he dumps them and ignores them for the rest of the night as he picks up a buxom blonde, brings her up to his room and starts macking on her. Matt replies in kind by isolating one of his original girls, bringing her to the bedroom, and getting his groove on.

This brings us to the final ceremony. My vote (as I have the show on pause at the moment) is for Simeon to win. Matt has everything I would think women would want in a guy. Good looking, smart, nice, all of which I have learned makes you a horrible pick up artist. Simeon, on the other hand, has the piercings, cowboy hat and manic energy that would make him fit right in along side Mystery and Kosmo. Matador would kick his ass though.

After much deliberation, and a few last speeches, Mystery agrees and names Simeon as The Pick Up Artist. He wins fifty grand, the final medallion and the chance to carry Mystery’s bags around the country for the next year. I’ll have to say Simeon made a hell of a lot of progress. He went from being a hyper rooster who I thought was on drugs to being someone who, while still a little high energy, definitely has a sense of style and purpose about him.

A fun season as always but as the boom shot during the closing shows, a little too fake this time around. There was no coffee shop challenge (which was inspiring), no picking up a woman on a bridge (a restraining order waiting to happen) and no picking up a stripper (still one of the most memorable pieces of television ever). While we did have a grocery store challenge I have a sinking feeling that was done on a stage as I have never seen a grocery store with a hand written sign reading “vegetables” on the wall. As for the entire concept of being a Pick Up Artist I guess it all is a matter of degrees. The ideas are sound: be confident, take an interest in others, and have fun. I still dislike the made up stories and conquest aspect of the whole endeavor but like I said, it is all a matter of degrees. I’ve learned things so who knows, maybe I’ll be wearing the top hat soon enough.

Wednesday Night Music Club: For those of you who have been following me on Facebook you have probably noticed that I have been in a dark mood as of late. Lots of reasons behind it, most of which I don’t feel like getting into here. But I will share what I listen to in order to sense a bit more of the wonder in the world. I think every alarm clock should be replaced by Polyphonic Spree songs. Mornings would be much happier places.

The Polyphonic Spree MTV Music

But Lava Girl Cannot Love Icicle Boy!

Many people have raised concerns about my embracing of schadenfreude in both the blog and my personal life. They worry about what it means when I spend pages making a mockery of other’s dating techniques or performing a victory dance when the executive who was most responsible for my not only quitting a job but also moving across the country just so I wouldn’t be in the geographic vicinity when the company imploded. Does it indicate that I am a shallow, spiteful, bitter man? Probably, but boy does it feel good.

On to the home stretch as the Triad face off in order to gain a spot in the finals.

Episode 7: Has Anyone Ever Told You How Much You Look Like Mary Worth?

When last we left the Four Horsemen they learned the tricks of the trade on how to pick up women in a supermarket. “The Total Package” Matt focused on shopping and failed while “The Enforcrer” Rian used his crowbar of love to gain a girl’s trust and phone number. In the tag team challenge, Matt teamed with “The Nature Boy” Simeon and took some girls for a ride on Space Mountain. However, “The Wolverine” Greg turned on his partner Rian and eliminated him from competition. Who will survive the Thunderdome Death Match to make the finals? Let’s find out.

We start with the usual waiting to see who comes out from behind the curtain from the elimination room. The first show that figures out a way to avoid this cliché will gain a lot of points in my book. For this week’s competition we decide to redo last year’s final competition in which the guys have to teach their pick-up skills to one of the unwashed masses. In this case, one of their friends from the comic book shop back home. I’m sorry but if we are going to redo challenges couldn’t we at least do the one about picking up strippers again? Do you know how much material I have on that subject? Wait, that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to.

Looking at the friends Greg has a guy from Utah who well, looks like someone who might possibly show up on your doorstep and wish to have a friendly conversation with you. Simeon has his fraternity buddy who just looks like a guy who has worn shorts every day for the past seven years regardless of situation or temperature. And Matt’s friend is pretty much Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. They all get remade with new outfits and hairstyles, which was interesting when I used to watch it on Queer Eye but now seems rather boring. Simeon gets his buddy to get his lip pierced. You know, I’ve picked up a friend’s girlfriend at the airport but even I would draw the line at piercings just so my buddy could get to hang out with Mystery all day.

(The Flaming Lips just got used as some of the background music. Sigh. I’m sorry Wayne, I’m sure you didn’t mean it to end up this way.)

We get numerous scenes of the guys training each other. Simeon gets rather close with his partner; I’m not sure if that is quite the best way to teach a kiss close. Matt’s friend doesn’t really seem to be into it. At some point you would have to get self-conscious. Anyway, the challenge is obvious. We send the newbies into the club. Whoever does the best wins. Whoever gets maced loses. Much like life in that respect.

Greg’s friend does a quick lap of the bar, talks to no one, and does not smile. Greg goes in to save him and gives him the advice “be confident”. Matador calls him out on it by saying, “I hate it when people say that. What the hell does it mean? It’s not an instruction.” Thank you Matador! I’ve been trying to tell every person who has given me that advice for the past decade the exact same thing. Seriously, I’m just going to hire Matador to hang out with me from now on.

Matt’s friend and Thing stunt double is next into the club. He should be able to attract women by gravity alone. He looks none to happy to even be in the club as he looks like, well, like most of the guys who hang out at the bars I go to. The type of guy whose hand is never more than six inches from his beer at a time. Matt gives him some advice and makes him smile and this results in a set opening that actually goes some distance before it derails. Still, not bad for a guy who doesn’t want to be there.

Simeon’s high impact teaching technique seems to pay dividends. His buddy immediately goes into a set even though it fails. Simeon then gives him step by step instructions, including I believe bringing a whiteboard into the club to diagram precisely what he is doing wrong. This leads his buddy into another set where he ignores the massive bald guy who looks like he is about to pummel him and somehow gets a number. Not a bad job at all and Simeon wins and makes the final two.

Greg and Matt have the usual kvetching over who will be eliminated. In a nutshell, Greg did a poor job at teaching his student while Matt did a poor job of inspiring his. My choice is for Matt to continue on. Partly because I don’t want him to be punished for having less to work with but mainly because Greg has disappointed me in his complete lack of progress. The guy shouldn’t even need the show and if he is trying to be an actor he doesn’t deserve to be in even the same room as Matador. And Mystery agrees with me so it is Matt and Simeon in the finals.

Next week: The Final Showdown. Pickup Thunderdome. Two men, a goat, and a jar of mayonnaise enter. Only one man (and possibly the goat) leaves. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion.

No woman can withstand the magic of the double dropkick

(Since it was asked I’ll have to say that I got even more drenched on Saturday than I did at the West Virginia game but the bigger thing was that it was a different kind of soaking. The West Virginia game was just a long, slow, agonizing drenching that sucked the life out of you but never made you think about leaving the game. This was like having a bucket of water dumped over your head and then being dropped in a wind tunnel. It was honestly the first time I had ever feared for my safety at a sporting event. After all my time in Kansas when the wind picks up that quickly you start looking for the storm cellar. Anyway, on to more pressing matters.)

Time once again to learn the secrets of the Matador. And of Mystery. And of…Tara? Seriously, couldn’t we have given her a cool name like Vixen or something? Also, I wish to have a special episode focusing on how the economic downturn impacts my pick up habits. Should I be more inclined to buy drinks for women as it shows my financial strength? Should I leave a date early by casually mentioning that I need to be at work in the morning? These are vital questions to me.

Episode 6: Those sure look like some ripe melons.

When last we left the five lions of Voltron they were learning how to attract the hired guns. Black Lion Simeon set up a date with a bikini model for a pedicure, Blue Lion Rian questioned his desire to continue on the quest and Yellow Lion Brian was ejected from the team because the Yellow Lion is totally lame. Seriously, who wants to pilot a Yellow Lion? How will are four contestants perform this week. Will any of them be able to wield their magic sword? Only time will tell.

As always we start at the elimination ceremony. Less tears this time around as people start thinking about strategy. The fact that this is a game show about picking up women makes it a very strange dynamic. It’s not like Top Chef where there is a marketable skill being contested. Also, one of them makes a Fantastic Four reference thus resulting in them spending the rest of the night discussing who gets to be Invisible Girl (I’m sorry, I mean Invisible Woman.)

We get what is my favorite challenge of the season: the picking up woman in the supermarket. Sadly, Mystery’s advice as to how to do this is unnecessarily vague. “Don’t get too close”, “tone down your game”, “avoid using negs”. That doesn’t help me. I want pick up lines that reference Tang. I want strategies involving airborne grape assaults. More than anything I want to see if this can possibly work without a restraining order being filed because if so it will make my next trip to Trader Joe’s a lot more interesting.

Matt, other than one decent line, essentially just goes shopping. If you filmed me during my usual trip to the grocery store that is what you would have seen. Rian, who is the person in the show most like me, is a lot more comfortable in a grocery store than a club. I can relate to that; I’m not someone who works well when he has to be on. He just coolly and calmly starts talking to a few women, turns an application of moisturizer into an excuse to play with a girl’s hands, and ends up getting some numbers out of the deal. Damn impressive. I’d be thrilled if I could do that on a regular basis.

Simeon decides to talk to the vegetables as opposed to the woman he is trying to pick up and as a result doesn’t even stop talking as she walks away. He then goes up to another girl, forces a number out of her, and hugs her and kisses her in a scene that creeps even me out. Greg does little more than chit chat and ends up looking like how I assume that I often look: hovering near an attractive woman, quivering with anticipation but never actually moving from the spot that my feet seem to be welded to. Rian wins and it isn’t even a question.

Lesson time as we work on the importance of being a wingman. Goose! Sorry, force of habit. This is Matador’s strong suit as he explains how to quickly build up your wingman in a conversation while also removing any obstacles standing in his way. Note the use of phrase there. They do not flat out explain how to screen off her friends (including the bitter girl who doesn’t want to be there in the first place) in order for your buddy to make out with the hot one but that is pretty much the entire point. For winning the first challenge, Rian gets to choose his wingman and chooses Greg as his wing. That leaves Simeon and Matt as our other team. Two teams enter. One team leaves. The other is probably maced. Especially since the stated goal tonight is a makeout session.

Rian takes the lead and opens for his team. I’m trying to think of the proper metaphor here. Ok, Rian is playing the Robert Gibson role in the fabled tag team of the Rock and Roll Express in answering the opening bell before tagging out to his partner Greg who is emulating Ricky Morton. Given that Ricky Morton always got his ass kicked for twenty minutes in every match maybe that isn’t such a great strategy.

But like the four time World Champion Rock and Roll Express they work like a charm. Rian gets the girls to the booth. Greg isolates and after some small talk and a rather slick move starts a makeout session. Rian works with two girls, getting himself placed between them and momentarily living out one of my favorite moments as the possibility of punches being thrown becomes palatable. Rian is so close to making out with two women at once that it scares him to death and he can’t close. Yeah, I’m embarrassed for him.

Matt and Simeon work the crazy guy, straight man routine and it works really well. They actually hit the ball out of the park with both getting some decent makeout sessions. Bonus points to Simeon who when he saw Matt lagging behind made sure to build him up to make sure that everything went according to plan. Matt and Simeon win due to their teamwork and both are immune from elimination. That leaves Greg and Rian on the chopping block.

Simeon and Matt describe the night as a life changing event. I’m not sure if that is really depressing or not. I guess we all have good nights at the bar that change the way we view the world. The elimination comes down to Greg dumping his wingman to makeout with his girl and Rian not taking the risk and making out with his. Which is the bigger sin? Apparently not making out with the chick as Rian is eliminated. May that be a life lesson for us all.

Next week: Buddies from home and the battle to the final two. More fun abounds.

Or, tell her she'd make a great plus size model

It’s time once again for our weekly life lessons by Mystery. Think of Mystery as a Mr. Rogers for the 21st century. Instead of putting on a sweater and telling you how to treat people fairly he puts on a feathered boa and teaches you how to lie to women. Sigh. You know what the sad thing is? Every time I try what Mystery recommends it works extremely well.

Episode 5: Wow, I bet if you were just a little prettier you could be in Sports Illustrated

When last we saw our team of Transformers they were introduced to the certified sexologist. Escort, sexologist, tomato, tomatoe, let’s call the whole thing off. Rian acted like Starscream and ruled the club. Todd acted like Bumblebee and was eliminated. And let’s face it, who the hell ever wanted to be Bumblebee. Worst toy ever.

Since we are down to the Final Five let’s recap our remaining contestants

Rian: Amazed that he has made it this far as he is an uber nerd (several degrees beyond me even). Unable to properly spell is own name.
Simeon: Acts as if he downs about a dozen pixie sticks before entering a club. Not a strong challenger.
Matt: Nice guy who has shown zero game so far. Another person who you thought would be eliminated by now.
Greg: Early favorite in that he is the best looking of the bunch and does show a decent amount of game. For some reason always wants to talk about the weather.
Brian: Half man, half afro, all manfro. Gets a great deal of attention as he is so super goofy and filled with positive energy. Whether he can turn that into something more substantial is still to be seen.

We start with the tearful end to the elimination ceremony. Simeon describes it as being the “third quarter”. This is where I would discuss my dating strategy in terms of a spread offense using a lot of quick hits with the occasional desperation deep throw where in all honesty my best hope is for a pass interference call. But that is just me.

We then go on a road trip to a resort. Greg apparently likes salsa, which makes me really wonder how he doesn’t have a girlfriend. If he just liked salsa I could understand it but dancing assumes that you have a partner. For the reward challenge the guys are at a celebrity auction where they will try to show off their higher social value. Winner gets Tara. In the field. Damn, that would have won the game right there.

So the guys go off to work on their stories. More accurately, completely fabricating stories. Again, I really don’t recommend lying as a pick up technique but that is mainly because I simply cannot lie. Ever. That fact might come in handy if you know me. Brian goes first and does his usual giddy energy. Matt talks about Italy and acts as though he is giving a lecture. Rian talks about his work in the theater and gets no love from the crowd. He has to beg for bids at a charity auction. Simeon discusses a trip to India. Guess that might get some interest. Greg from Salt Lake City does precisely what I would recommend: tell the damn truth about your best self. He talks about doing his two year service mission and gets some women to swoon. See, that is what you need to do. Don’t make up something that you can’t back up. Put yourself in the best light but make it real. Still Matt wins because people like discussions about wine. So there you go.

The lesson this week is how to pick up the hired guns: the bartenders, strippers and bikini models of the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, picking up a stripper is not that challenging. I’d explain but it takes a great deal of alcohol. Which is what you need to pick up a bartender as well, go from a customer to a friend and then make a play. Anyway, they learned the importance of insulting the girl who is paid to stand there and be pretty and then get ready for their field test: a real life bikini fashion show. Because I know I run into those on a weekly basis at the clubs.

Before that we get Rian freaking out about not having an opener and turning it into a nervous breakdown. You had to know at some point one of the guys would go “Oh my God, what the hell am I doing here?” Also, whereas before every other challenge Mystery talks to the guys in what appears to be the parking lot of the club for this one the setting is the dingy storage room of a hotel. There is a freaking caged off room filled with boxes. How are you supposed to get your swerve on when you are starting in that environment?

We start off with Greg who tried the patented EC hovering maneuver and fails miserably. No, no you have to have a sense of panache as you stand patiently just over the girl’s shoulder as you hope that your Jedi mind tricks will cause her to fall madly in love with you. Greg then tries an interview tact and fails again.

Brian is absolutely fearless as he walks right up to a table of models and starts talking. Give him props, that takes serious balls. However, he can’t keep up his momentum and he ends up following a girl through the club trying to finish his story about pickle juice. Rian, styling the white pimp hat, actually legitimately got a girl’s interest which really does amaze me. For not having some of the natural gifts of the other guys he sure does put in a good showing. Still can’t close worth a damn.

Matt enters along with wingwoman Tara. One of those strange facts of life: to meet women you need to have a woman with you. Matt freezes up and needs to basically be pushed into talking to them. When he does he makes good progress, Tara provides evidence that “yes, attractive women are drawn to me” but he cannot pull the trigger. For crying out loud, I do a better job at getting digits than these guys and my proudest possession is a collection of every Beavis and Butthead episode ever made (with videos).

Hyper Rooster Simeon is finally in his element where being eccentric is a plus. As in discussing manicures and where to best get a pedicure. He actually gets a girl’s number with the promise of getting a pedicure with her next week. Not a bad gambit. I’d use it but you really wouldn’t want to see my feet. Also, this is the same girl that Rian and Matt talked to so he might have had the advantage of her just wearing out. Simeon wins the contest hands down and gets immunity.

Elimination time. We’re down to Brian and Rian. Brian is called out for being too much of a clown. Rian doesn’t show the desire to actually get the girl. In the end Brian ends up having to go home. As I’ve been saying for weeks, he is a guy you want with you in a bar because he draws attention but his type just doesn’t get the girl. And wow, does he breakdown after the show. Still, ten bucks say he has his own show on VH1 after this.

Next week: Grocery shopping! Finally a real life situation. And maybe someone will use my ultimate pick up line “Hey, do you know where a guy can get some Tang around here?” Can’t wait.

Starring Kim Cattrall in the role she was born to play

Author’s Note: Before I get into my Pick Up Artist recap I want to go over some of the details for tomorrow. First, please vote. Don’t worry about waiting in line. If your boss yells at you because you were late due to exercising your constitutional privilege it is probably a good sign that you should be working for another company. My plan is to start writing at 7 Eastern and then live blogging until a winner is reached or I fall asleep dreaming of maps of various colors. Not sure when I will actually post but I might post halfway through the night and then update it later on. Otherwise if you want my immediate insight ping me on my cell.

Someone did ask why I was doing this as opposed to say, watching the results with other people. If I was in KC I would do just that. Sadly, I know absolutely no one in this town other than the people I work with. I’m not even sure where to go to watch the results. So my choices are a) sit on my couch, watch the returns and write about it or b) go to a bar and hope that I am surrounded by intelligent people though be faced with the distinct possibility that I will just sit there by myself the entire night. I’ll stick with choice A at the moment though I would love to hear other people’s opinions as to whether I am doing the right thing or not.

Anyway, enough seriousness. Off to the recap…

Episode 4: Starring Andrew McCarthy

When last we left our group of Younglings they had just learned from Master Yoda the secret of physical control while Master Windu taught the importance of standing in a non threatening manner. Greg successfully maintained his composure when confronted with the Sith temptress Nursina Attractivus as well as successfully navigated the Mos Eisley Cantina to move one step closer to his seat on the Jedi Council. Karl met someone who didn’t like him (and her friend didn’t like him either) and was left being shot down before he could even raise his blaster. How will our heroes fare in the face of the Death Star this week? And yes, it is fully operational.

We start as always with the reminiscences of the guy who was just eliminated. The amount of tears shed always amazes me. This show is so preposterous, where people like Rian gets phrases like “never touched a boob” listed under his name, that I’m not sure how anyone can sit there with a straight face.

Challenge time and it is time to discuss how far guys had gotten with women. This includes “I touched a boob and ran away” and “I’ve never even kissed a girl”. I’m already confused by this. I assumed that most guys had the same experience that I had: getting their first kiss in high school from a girl they met at a comic book convention. I mean if you can’t bond over Peter Parker’s tragic relationship with Gwen Stacey then what hope do you have?

We are introduced to Erin the sexologist. Yes, apparently teaching sexual techniques is a paying job with an official title. Well, I guess it always has been except that this is slightly more official and probably involves a test. In what would make me just walk off the set and make a beeline to knock that stupid hat off of Mystery’s head they bring out a department store mannequin for the guys to show off their technique. And we’re not talking Kristy Swanson level mannequin here. This is the Kim Cattral, you’d have to be extremely drunk, mannequin. The guys kiss the doll and vaguely grope it. I’m embarrassed just watching it.

Erin then asks if the guys know what an erogenous zone is. Matt mistakenly answers that it is where the Romulans can be found. Erin with her partner Whitney then shows off the erogenous zones apparently showing that being a sexologist seems to imply that you will make out with another woman as part of your job. And for the reward challenge the guys get 90 seconds with Erin to test their touching techniques. Which means that her job, and her entire purpose on the show, is to play two minutes in the closet with all of these guys. Now I’m embarrassed for her. Winner (chosen by Erin) gets an earpiece so Mystery can give instructions in the club.

Simeon starts first, immediately takes his shirt off and slobbers over her. This now makes me not want to be the last guy in line for this contest. Todd is shy to the point of fearfulness. Matt aims for the gentle touch and does a good job. Greg goes in with the sole goal of not passing out. Brian, our fun freak, just goes at it. Sometimes you can use awkwardness and ignorance to your advantage. Rian can be best described as clumsy and mechanical. Well, I would be too if I was having my first kiss on national television. Matt wins and gets Mystery in his ear. I would still prefer Matador talking me through the situation even if his only instructions would be yell “I’m the Matador!”

Lesson time as we talk about how to escalate with touch. For those who remember last season this is the epic “Light kino” part of the process. This is where we are taught all of the specific steps one must go through in order to reach the point where you can kiss a girl. Or at least without being slapped. Brian has been practicing his makeout techniques on a ham sandwich. At least we now know who will get the new Flavor of Love spin off. But no time for that now as we are off to the club where the goal is to kiss a girl. The guys are all anxious partly because they are unsure if they can successfully use the techniques and partly because they’ve never kissed a girl before. Let’s bring on Arizona’s finest young ladies!

First person in Axis is Simeon our super hyper rooster. He immediately locks in a two set with two girls from Pennsylvania. He gets them to a booth but does the saddest attempt at touching the girl’s leg that I’ve ever seen. Dude, at least grab her knee or something. He gets a number, which is far from a kiss. Todd starts out with a Mary Kate or Ashley question and gets shot down immediately. He is slow to recover but is able to use the same line on two other girls but that leads to a discussion on the differences between gerbils and meerkats. Now I’ve talked genetics in a bar with a woman once but I’d shy away from this topic. Not surprisingly he can’t even get a number.

Matt now enters with his guardian angel Mystery who immediately gives the advice “start with the hottest chicks and work your way backwards.” Words to live by to be sure especially as the more you drink the more the end of the curve begins to look like the beginning. After an Ocean’s Eleven line he gets the girls to the booth where one starts pulling panties out of her purse. Ok, coming from someone who has legitimately had two girls throwing punches over him in a bar parking lot I have never had that happen to me in my life. I think it actually freaks him out so he just ends up kissing her on the cheek. Sad, really.

Greg, my favorite in the contest, starts by talking about the weather. The girls aren’t interested. Wow, this is sad. The phones start coming out and it is game over. That is called crashing and burning. Rian, who really needs to add a Y to his name, uses my technique of just randomly getting women to talk to him as he passes by. This turns into a massage and an awkward but still nice kiss on the cheek. Good job for probably the geekiest guy on the show. We end with Brian and his afro. Though the guy’s fearlessness is commendable he hit a group where it didn’t work and got shot down as a result.

No one actually kissed a girl but we give Rian the win for his good work. He had a good night, comparable to some of my good nights. Not a great night but a good night. So apparently this means I earn the green medallion, representing enlightenment.

Elimination time. Mystery chews out the crew for not kissing their target and questions whether there are any true Pick Up Arists amongst them. Heard this same speech last season. Mystery then critiques each guy, getting on Todd for hovering. Wow, where have I heard that one before? The last two are Todd, who gets lost in his own head like I do, and Greg, who seems to not know how to start. Greg stays as he shows more promise. That leaves Todd to make to long walk back to his mom’s basement. Bummer because he did remind me of me.

Next week, stuff happens! Or at least I assume stuff happens as my DVR cut out the last two minutes. Still a week without Matador is a week without joy.

Live blog tomorrow. Go Obama.

I am only Mystery's Padwan

I’ve received several emails over the past few days all asking the same question. “EC, you are an amazing and happening guy. What qualifies you to comment on a show like The Pick Up Artist?” Well, this weekend provides the proof that I have my geek bona fides in order. I went home to see my parents and I was met with the first of what I assume will be many boxes of mine still stored in the basement. In it was the greatest gift I could ever be given. Yes, I have been reunited with my Star Wars figures. Not only did my face light up and I yelled out “Sweet!” but I brought them home with me in my carry-on luggage because I didn’t trust the airline with them. That, my friends, is what makes me qualified to write this. Nothing can come between me and my Boba Fett.

Anyway, let’s see what Mystery has in store for the Scooby Squad this week.

Episode 3: Hello, Nurse!

In last week’s episode Mr. Moore taught his students the importance of confidence. Dan impressed the women at bingo, Arvid got a girl to hug him at a bar and Jawarahal crashed and burned and was expelled from the school. What life lessons will Mr. Moore instill in his students this week? Will they be stunned by the appearance of a Scottish comedian as their new teacher? And why the hell wasn’t there a hot, redhead, poet in any of my honor classes? Only time will tell.

Like every reality show since the beginning of time the show begins with a recap of the previous episode and several contestants expressing a) their shock that someone was eliminated and b) their sadness regarding their fellow competitor. Why the rules of the show surprises them always bothers me and just once I want to see someone jump up and down and go “As long as I’m not eliminated I don’t give a damn what happens.” At least it would be honest.

So the guys make their way to a medical institute. Wonder if the doctors will list this one on their resume? The idea, and I have to admit that it is a really good one, is that your own body can undermine you when you talk to someone for the first time. When you are flush with attraction the sweaty palms, nervous laughter and quickening of speech can end your chances before you even get a sentence out. Control your body and you are one step closer to your goal. This is actually an important lesson.

Of course, we teach this lesson by strapping the guys into a bunch of biofeedback sensors and then having Nurse Samantha, who apparently has just gotten off the main stage at Bazookas, come in for a private consultation. Why no, this show doesn’t objectify women at all. Why do you ask? Per our little labels, Brian has never seen a naked woman before. Another one of those things you would never want to admit. Not as bad as Rian “Sleeps with a teddy bear”, but still bad. Essentially what you have is the guys trying to stay calm while this hot woman strips. While I’d stay calm in this challenge I would lose if only because they hit one of my weak points. Greg wins the challenge, if only because he was the only one who looked like he was actually enjoying himself, and gets to hang with Mystery in the surveillance van. Yeah, I really want to be alone in a van with a guy who wears makeup.

Class time and the focus is still on self-awareness and body language and for this lesson we get the return of Kosmo! Last year’s winner returns with his master pick up artist medallion and his stories about traveling the country teaching men how to talk to women. Seriously, people pay to listen to Kosmo. Nice to know that there are people sadder than me in this world. Main lessons are on how to stand, how to not invade people’s space and taking into account your nervousness. I would honestly like an hour on this lesson. It is my biggest issue.

Challenge time as the goal is to see who is best with their body language. Not sure exactly how this is measured but if anyone has a metric for it I bet it is Mystery. Anyway, time to hit the club so let’s bring on the awkward conversations!

Brian heads in first and immediately heads straight towards the bachelorette party. Oh that is just not fair. Anyone can get attention from a bachelorette party. He does have this manic energy about him but he carries it with a harmless vibe. I’m changing my opinion on him. He’s the guy you would want with you in a club because he attracts attention but wouldn’t get in your way. Rian, who carries with him my grim look of determination, actually starts a conversation with “Did you know that Elvis dyed his hair” and it amazingly works. His only mistake was focusing on one girl and trying to remove her from the pack. That is an advanced move and should not be tried at his level of Pick Up Artistry.

Everyone’s friend Todd makes progress with the Herman question (dudes named Herman apparently never get dates and must hate this show), convinces four girls to go to his VIP booth and gets phone numbers and a kiss on the cheek. Excellent job though I hate the fact that VIP booths are used as part of the contestants arsenal. Not all of us have those. Heck, most places I go to don’t have those. Matt, on the other hand, has two girls walk away from him while he is asking them about Sex and the City proving once again that everyone hates that show.

Simeon, who has been lectured all show to stop being so damn fidgety, has the weirdest energy level. He’s like a kid who has eaten about ten bowls of Super Sugar Crisp and is now trying to sit quietly in church. You can actually see him vibrate with energy. Sadly, while Brian turns his manic energy into a positive Simeon just comes across as a creepy guy. He’s a nice guy but just weird. Last week’s near evictee Karl is, in the words of Mystery, not reaching the girls’ spirit when he talks to them. I’m not paid nearly enough to figure out what the hell that means.

Greg, who has been sitting in the van quietly wondering just why he signed up for this show, is our final entry in the club du jour. He does a lot of body rocking (which has been mentioned all episode so now I have a Moby song in my head) and picks up two rather attractive women. Good job and I like the guy. He’s gone from being your IT tech to being a guy you would actually want to hang with. He also wins the field test and has immunity and the honor of choosing two wingmen to save from elimination.

We head off to the Elimination Chamber and Mystery introduces us to the newest medallion in the collection. I am really confident that the mystical symbols came straight from a Dungeons and Dragons handbook. Greg decides to name Matt and Brian as his wingmen even though Matt has a ton of weaknesses and even Mystery said he would have eliminated him this week. Wow, strategy in The Pick Up Artist. Our final two are Karl and Rian and they both have a look of utter fear on their faces. In the end Karl is sent back to Radio Shack. Sigh. If there is a worse fate known to man I am unaware of it.

Next week. Erogenous zones! Kissing! Random groping! Hopefully not amongst the contestants.

This conversation has already been scripted

Time for more lessons from Mystery and Matador and….Tara? I have no problems with the name Tara but if you are going to have a wingwoman shouldn’t she have a cool name like, I don’t know, Harley Quinn or Poison Ivy or Invisible Woman? How dumb would it sound saying “I’d like you to meet my friends Matador and Tara.” Anyway, on to the show.

Episode 2: Can I borrow your napkin my car just hit a water buffalo

When last we left our band of Mario Brothers in search of Princess Peach they had ventured into the magic kingdom of clubs and fell down the sewer pipe only to have Mystery rescue them and provide them with a new suit of powers. Sadly, Alex was devoured by Bowser and now only eight contestants remain. We’re at the early point in a reality show where you have too many contestants and not enough stories.

We start with the fabled reality cliché “Oh my God I can’t believe that someone was eliminated” moment. Despite the fact that it is the entire point of the show contestants are always stunned by this. At least they aren’t crying over the departure of some dude they met yesterday. Rian is also shown as a videogame salesman. That is sad.

The crew meets Mystery outside of an “Italian Club”. That is literally what it says on the awning. Apparently Arizona is the land of generic places. This is the reward challenge where the guys will need to make conversation with women in order to get over their nervousness and awkwardness. Winner receives one of Mystery’s accessories and a personal lesson from Mystery on how to use it. Seriously? It needs instructions? What the hell?

Anyway, the guys all run in with the hope that it is a strip club. Sadly that is an advanced lesson and instead are led into a bingo parlor. Which, to be honest, is a lot more of what I envision the Arizona club scene to be like. At least most of the guys realize that the point is to make conversations with anyone. Kevin (or possibly Kumar) asks if they have any stories from World War II. Brian scares them but to be honest he scares me. Matt wins in a landslide and deservedly so. The guy actually looks good in a suit as well.

Class time as the guys break out the notebooks. Today the lesson is on indirect openers as you cannot just walk up to a woman and tell her that she is beautiful. Instead you must discuss this fight outside while saying you have only a minute to talk. Also, there is apparently a way you need to stand. Greg agrees with my sentiment that I was unaware that I was standing incorrectly my entire life. Matt gets his award which is a black feathered boa. Wow, great reward. You get to look like a guy who wears a black feathered boa.

The guys then make their way to the club for their first field test. The fact that they are all on a bus frantically reviewing pages of notes on opening lines is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. I’m waiting for one to have notes written on their hands. But soon enough they are time at the club and it is time to bring on the ladies…

We start with Matt and the “scarf”. He has trouble starting a set even when the women come up to him. He is actually stunned when a women starts talking to him as it has never happened before. (Really? Drunk chicks talk to me all the time and I’m not even trying.) He does finally meet someone, gives her the scarf but then takes it bad and strikes out. Todd, our super nice guy, just out and out nails it. Best I’ve ever seen it done on this show because it doesn’t look staged.

(Also, Matador has some serious biceps. Wow.)

Greg rushes into things with a story that goes nowhere. He recovers but then flees like a frightened rabbit when he makes the rookie mistake of not talking to the girl’s friend. Rian does a better job than I would have expected and was smart enough to talk to the guy first at a table in order to look non-threatening. Simeon walks in and immediately is told to go screw off. He does need to tone down his energy level.

Karl, the Radio Shack employee of the month, is talking to himself. He needs a drink. Brian and his afro mentions that he likes pickle juice. I’ll have to say that despite the fact that I think he is a freak he works the room with a manic style and ends up getting hugs from girls. Maybe you just need to put yourself out there. Kevin (or possibly Harold) enters the White Castle of Fear and starts swearing every third word. He does at least mention contingency plans in his post-interview, which rules. Brian wins. I did not see that coming. He then cries over having to choose wingmen. I haven’t seen this much emotion from a guy since the release of the latest World of Warcraft expansion pack.

Elimination time as well as the handing out of the magic medallions. I have yet to figure out why they need these things or why they have mystical symbols on them. Elimination comes down to Karl and Kevin. And in the end Kevin gets eliminated which is good because I don’t believe I have any more White Castle puns left in me. Mystery made the right call. You just don’t go up to random women in a club and start dropping f bombs.

Next week: Kosmo returns! And a stripper nurse! Can’t wait.

Where my dog at?

It has been many months since we have been graced by Mystery’s presence. Without his ever-present guidance many of us have ventured into bars, flailing wildly in an attempt to dance and swooping into conversations like a wounded osprey only to be pathetically ignored by women and bartenders alike. Worry no more my friends, at long last our hoped for day is here. The return of The Pick Up Artist.

(For those wondering, my agent did a much better job for me this year. Made it to the third round of the casting process until I was disqualified for actually having a girlfriend at the time. Yes, my chance at international fame was squashed by they very thing I was trying to become famous for. Given that last year’s winner Kosmo was an actor and runner up Brady was a former model I didn’t think that I should be disqualified. Oh well, there is always season 3.)

After all this build up it’s time to meet the dweebs!

Episode 1: We fear what we do not understand

We start with the setup and get to see that Kosmo gets to travel the country sharing his tips on how to pick up women with men who pay several thousands dollars for weekend sessions in which they are taught these lessons. I’m not kidding on that front. I actually checked out Mystery’s website to see what these things cost. It is just nutty. Mystery is joined by his returning wingman Matador, who was the only one of the bunch last year that I would actually want to spend time at a bar with, and new wingwoman Tara, who gets promoted after gracefully allowing herself to be kissed by the contestants last season. Sadly J-Dog, my idol if just for his horrible black streaked hair, is nowhere to be seen this time around. It is never stated what has happened to J-Dog. I can only hope that he is somewhere nicer, using his day game expertise to his full advantage.

The setting has changed as well. We have moved to Arizona after spending last season in Austin. I’d consider this a much harsher environment for the contestants given that to my knowledge most of the people living in Arizona are senior citizens. However, it will provide a more level playing field than Austin as anyone could sit down in a coffee shop in Austin and pick up someone. It is why I was trying to move there but even though everyone calls it an up and coming city there are apparently zero jobs there. I had more interviews with companies in New Orleans than Austin.

And here come the geeks.
Todd: A 26 year old nice guy who falls into the “just friends” category with every woman he meets. He’s complaining about making no progress in life. Join the club.
Ryan: Is our 28 year old virgin from Portland. He’s never learned how to socialize and in his video from home he shows off one of his stuffed animals. Yowzers.
Simeon: Is one of those guys who freaks me out. 27, super hyper and was living on a houseboat. Is also the guy most likely to be asked if he is on crystal meth.
Karl: Is a 21 year old Radio Shack employee. I don’t think I need to go into any more detail than that. On the list of things you shouldn’t tell anyone is the fact that you work at Radio Shack.
Matt: Is self-conscious about his looks to a severe degree. True, the gap in the teeth is a slight issue but concerns about body hair? Dude, it’s called manscaping. Queer Eye made it acceptable like five years ago.
Greg: Has long hair and glasses and looks like the guy who ran your computer lab in college. His voice cracks around women.
Brian: Is 21 and has never kissed a girl. He is also wearing a Models Wanted t-shirt and when he gets nervous he spells out words so he doesn’t stutter. Maybe I am over-qualified for this show.
Kevin: Apparently is on the show because he is on a cold streak. I’m not sure if that means you need the help of a guy in a top hat. Maybe you just need to go to a different bar. Also, he looks like either Harold or Kumar. Take your pick.
Alex: Is our “women thinks he’s gay” contestant this year. With the Mr. T style gold chain, Elton John glasses and pink neon hat I’m stunned that this ever comes up in polite conversation.

Someone just referred to meeting Mystery as meeting Willy Wonka. I fear what the Oompa Loompas are like in his factory. Mystery has replaced the top hat for a cowbot hat though he still has the goggles. The Geek Squad is stunned upon meeting Mystery that they are forced to go into the club immediately. Apparently they all skipped last season’s opening episode.

Kevin goes first, makes a beeline to a table of women, throws out a line about digging deeper and crashes so hard the black box is unrecoverable. Matt actually makes friendly contact asking a girl what she is drinking but goes no farther than that. Just Friends Todd asks permission to ask a question to which the answer is most certainly no. Matador likes Greg’s look for some bizarre reason. His insulting Arizona tactic doesn’t work well on an Arizona native.

Brian actually does surprisingly well. Sure, he struck out (you don’t ask what type of toothpaste someone uses) but he at least made a decent conversation. Simeon is aptly described as the annoying creepy guy who makes you wonder what he is on at the moment. Rian, (apparently he lost a y in the process) looks worse than I did at 28. Given that many people reading this know what I looked like that is rather frightening. Karl starts a conversation and then has the woman’s friend actually ask “Why are you talking to him?” Ooh, that is where I would make a pithy remark. Or would at least think of one four hours later. Alex has women yank his proverbial chain as well as his literal one but can’t even use that to make conversation and ends up being the weird quiet guy wearing an enormous gold chain.

So after the strikeouts now Mystery goes in to do it. Hatless, no less. I really need to see if he can work without his hat. He still does magic tricks though. Matador immediately starts getting some because he is freaking Matador. All he has to do is go “I’m the Matador!” and women fall all over him. Anyway, all this leads to is pictures of the geeks in the control room cheering the fact that Mystery is about to get laid, which is really creepy when you think about it.

We then move on to avatar creation time and sadly not in Everquest though I think some contestants would prefer that route. I’m actually curious about this as I am in the midst of rethinking my look. I think a new town deserves a new look. One that shows that I’m 35 with a good job and that I have my shit together. Advice welcome as always.

Brian (who has what can only be called the oddest hair ever) goes for a gangster look and Rian is having serious issues with shopping. Yes, shopping for clothes has this guy near tears. Dude, stop crying. What would your Dungeon Master say if he saw you like this? Matt, in what has to be a first for a reality show, is sent to a dental surgeon to get his teeth fixed. Greg loses the angsty poet ponytail, numerous guys get pierced (which I would never do) and Matt finally gets waxed, which I could have told him to do. They all show off their new looks and dang, Greg did an awesome job in no longer looking like he is studying a Linux manual. Matt, in a wonderful bit of editing, seems to have had all of his dental issues solved in an afternoon without any pain whatsoever.

In a big shock, one of the contestants is judged to be not ready for this before the contest even starts. Wow, talk about a kick in the balls. You apply for a show because you are a loser who can’t meet women. You make the cut and subject yourself to a national TV audience. Now the guy in the hat says, “Dude, you are so far gone even I can’t help you.” And Alex is told to leave. Partly because he did the worst job at peacocking but mainly because he couldn’t even talk to women when they came up to him. He vows vengeance on Mystery and Matador as he leaves. Actually he pledges to work hard on his own but I feel it better to think that they had to drag him from the house as he shook his fist and cried out “Revenge!!!!”

That is it for Episode 1. Given that this review went longer than I thought I’ll do Episode 2 tomorrow in which we will see which of our merry band of Morlocks can meet the good doctor. Stay tuned.

Help me J-Dog. You're my only hope.

Ok, I have a lot of small topics to talk about tonight so I am just going to go through them in order.

1) Yes, I am aware that I missed the season premiere of the second season of The Pick Up Artist on Sunday. However, have no fear as I have recorded the episode and will be providing my play by play analysis on this and all future episodes. Because if there is one thing I have learned in my life it is that the only way to learn how to talk to women is by taking advice from a guy in a top hat with a pair of lips tattooed to his neck. Hell, I own his instruction manual. I wish I was lying but I actually do own The Mystery Method in hardcover no less.

2) Oh, I would like to thank Comcast for allowing me to miss the premiere episode by showing for the past two weeks that all channels have “To Be Announced” as their scheduled broadcast on the online program guide. Seriously, I was nearly forced to buy a newspaper on Sunday just so I could get a damn TV listing. What type of world do we live in where I might be forced to buy something in order to read?

3) Has anyone noticed that on the Yahoo front page they list the Obama-McCain poll numbers and are constantly updating them? Several times a day they show them going up or down 0.2%. I’m not sure where the hell they are getting their data from as the last time I checked it wasn’t as though there is a real time polling market equivalent to the stock market. Plus, I’m not sure if I need a moment by moment update of something that is by definition within the margin of error. Of course, most people will simply ask why am I using Yahoo but that can easily be explained by the fact that I am an idiot.

4) For the first time since moving out here I played trivia tonight. I wish I continued my streak of winning money the first time I play in a new venue but I missed a few questions and came in sixth. Still, not bad for a team of one and I should have won a free round of drinks but I was really, really dumb on a question. The game is done in a pub quiz style and that really doesn’t suit my temperament. You are asked ten questions, write down your answers, and then wait around for ten or fifteen minutes as the host collects the sheets, marks the correct answers, tallies up the scores, and jokes with the teams. Do this for multiple rounds and there is an awful lot of dead time especially when you are by yourself. Sigh. I miss my Badgers. We at least would have gotten the Wisconsin question right.

5) Best category though: All you get is someone’s name and have to determine whether they are a Nobel Prize winner or a Porn Star. Surprisingly challenging.

6) I’m still behind in watching How I Met Your Mother but after finally seeing last week’s episode it is clear that they are dealing with too much plot. We have Robin’s career and her possibly moving to Japan. Then there is Barney being in love with Robin and therefore not being Barney. Marshall has gone from a fun loving student to a kind of whiny, unmotivated goof. And Ted is engaged to someone that the viewer has no attachment to at all. I don’t care about Stella. I care about Sarah Chalke because she is an awesome actress based on her roles in Roseanne and Scrubs but the character is absolutely meaningless. Compare that to Victoria from the first season. Ted and Victoria are possibly my favorite couple ever, the “thank God” moment at the end of their first episode together is the highlight of the entire series, and even three years after the fact I say this about someone who was only in four episode. Meanwhile, we have Ted getting married to someone whose daughter might not actually have a name yet much less shown how Ted is adjusting to be a potential step dad. Just poor writing.

7) Big Bang Theory was spot on last week though. I’d comment about losing someone to the world of multiplayer gaming but that is a bit of a sore subject for me right now. Find me at the end of a bar one night and ask me about Everquest and I’ll explain. It won’t make any sense but I’ll explain.

8) Seriously, a hobbit? I don’t match up favorably to a hobbit?

9) Tomorrow night, one last debate live blog. Candidates! Canned positions! Bob Schieffer asking questions that will in no way be answered! I’ll try to make it interesting.

And shouldn't cat food be mouse flavored?

As I’ve mentioned before, one of the nice side effects of unemployment is that I get to watch a lot of television. This means that I get to see some commercials that I might otherwise not come across. Clearly the daytime television audience is slightly different than that from later in the day. For example, let us examine Fancy Feast.

Now I have nothing against cats per se. They are perfectly respectable creatures, even if they do view the world in four dimensions and thus suddenly take off without warning because they see what is going to happen in that spot at some time in the future. And obviously they do need to be fed. So I understand the need to buy cat food. I can even see that you love your cat to the point that high quality cat food would be a consideration. However, the following seems to be a bit overboard. You can get your cat Filet Mignon Flavor with Real Seafood and Shrimp. If that doesn’t please your cat’s palate then maybe you can try the Tuscan medley, which is inspired by the artistry of Tuscan cuisine (that quote is directly from the website.)

I hate to break it to you but your cat does not understand the concept of cuisine. It is not transported to Italy and imagines itself hiding out in some villa somewhere. It’s a cat. They are not capable of higher level reasoning. They see it as food, plain and simple. They don’t have a palate. For crying out loud, they lick themselves at every opportunity. Though let’s be honest, if the human race was that flexible we probably still wouldn’t have invented the wheel. But seriously, there has to be something better for you than to pay for gourmet cat food for a creature that cannot comprehend the concept of gourmet food. Feed your cat well, take care of the little guy, but don’t waste money on something this foolish. Give what you would spend to charity or something. I’m sure some people would like real seafood or shrimp.

(Why seafood and shrimp are considered separate items really needs to be discussed as well. If shrimp have started walking I really think that should be a news item.)

There is one other story that I found out about today that I need to mention. I finally saw a mention on VH1 that they are casting for season two of The Pick Up Artist. Once again, my agent has failed to get me an early audition for the show. In fact, I’ve even missed the ability to apply online for a position. Now the good news is that I would probably be disqualified from the show for the fact that I am just too awesome for words but I’d still like a chance to meet Mystery and / or El Matador. J-Dog always seemed to be a bit of a douche, though.

But that does mean I will have another season to live blog, which is awesome. I’m curious as to who they got to apply. You actually know going in that you will be embarrassed in front of a national television audience. But, Mystery does have some lessons to teach even if they are rather disturbing at times. I still think he is wrong at points (including the fact of viewing relationships as some massive video game) but the guy does seem to have a decent grasp on psychology. If anything, this lets me know that I will soon get to watch guys geekier than me on tv. Can’t complain about that.

Three Concepts, No Connections

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ve been discussing music with people a lot this week and one of the items that comes up is the difference between what is the best music out there and what I enjoy the most. Those aren’t always the same thing. My favorite R.E.M. disc is Reckoning and no one in their right mind would consider it to be their best album. I just really enjoy listening to it, much more than Automatic For The People.

The reason I bring this up is that there is probably no one that I enjoy listening to more right now than Josh Rouse. He has released new albums each of the past three years and each one became my new favorite. There is something completely relaxing about his music. It’s not that this is the most brilliant and daring work of art that I have ever heard. He just writes great songs that make me feel good. Here’s “Quiet Town” off of the album Subtitulo.

On The Pick Up Artist: You know, that show would have been infinitely cooler if they did it all under a Jedi motif. I mean, they were already handing out medallions with mystical symbols on them in order to indicate advancement to the next level. Seriously, that was their version of the rose ceremony. J-Dog and Matador made up the start of a Jedi Council and they should have gone all out and had fifteen or twenty guys making up the Council. Could have included that conehead guy just for the hell of it.

I do have one more episode to review as they did a 30 minute “Tricks of the Trade” episode with Mystery. I have a sense that there is going to be untold brilliance in that piece of history. After all these years I’ve decided that being me but being the best me possible is pretty much the best strategy. It might not have the same success rate in terms of pure numbers as Mystery’s method but the quality more than makes up for it.

News Story That Made Me Wonder If I Should Up My Medication: Paris Hilton will be embarking on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda in November. I swear I’m not making this up. This is coming from E! and if you can’t trust the network that brought us multiple seasons of The Anna Nicole Show who can you trust. I don’t get the sense that this is going to help our standing in the international community. Starting random wars for oil is vaguely understandable, this is just downright cruel.

I’m not sure what Paris is going to accomplish, or attempt to accomplish, or even vaguely compose a thought of what she could conceivably accomplish there. I fully anticipate numerous pictures of Paris with a confused look on her face as she glances around and looks for a bar. I’m also hoping for numerous complaints about how horrible it is that these people lack air conditioning and personal assistants. I’m sorry, I know that I should consider this to be a step in the right direction for her in that she’ll at least now know that she needs to get in a plane to go to Rwanda but seriously, is there a bigger waste of space on the planet? Talk about someone whose very existence wastes my oxygen.

Guess that makes Mystery Yoda

It all comes down to this. Two men enter the club. One man leaves with the girl. And probably a need for penicillin. Who will be named the Master Pick Up Artist? Will Mystery finally reveal his secret? Hell, will Mystery finally explain why he wears that stupid hat? Let’s find out.

Episode 8: Before I Was The Student, Now I Am The Master

So last week we lost Fat Joe, who in retrospect showed the greatest amount of growth throughout the season. To be honest, I could see girls wanting to date him just because of the way he came off on the show. That means we are down to our final two contestants: Brady (the guy who looks vaguely like a GQ model but lacks confident) and Kosmo (who is a boxer but tends to be hyper). My money is on Brady but I’m kind of bummed that the final two are two guys who really should not be having trouble meeting women. I find it prejudicial that the two best looking guys are the ones to compete for the title of Master Pick Up Artist.

We start with the usual recap featuring Death Cab for Cutie for some bizarre reason. We get the typical blather about how this is the final two. When you watch reality shows as much as I do pretty much everything becomes a cliché. To celebrate making the final two Kosmo and Brady get to hit the clubs with Mystery. Probably to get a sense of how they would work as his wingman and answer the inevitable question, “Who is the douchebag in the makeup?” They hang out, talk to women, and things are cool until Mystery points out two wallflowers. One of whom looks like your typical shy accountant and the other looks like the guy you meet in the comic book store. That’s the final challenge. Each guy has to transform one of these wallflowers into a pick up machine.

Not sure if that is what I expected for a final challenge but I’m guessing the “we drop you into a club, first one to score wins” probably wouldn’t fly on VH-1. Fat Joe is kicking himself right now because he would win this challenge hands down.

Kosmo gets Kip, the accountant/computer nerd. Brady gets Dylan, who seriously looks like the guy I haggled with over an issue of Iron Man. We get a montage of scenes as they try to remake them into something other than total geekwads and teach them all of the tricks and lingo. Kip and Dylan look confused as hell, which you’d expect after being told “You have to open your two set over and over.” This takes us to the final challenge, as Kip and Dylan will be sent into the club with earpieces so that Kosmo and Brady can coach them. It’s like Roxanne, except with nerds and possible restraining orders.

Brady’s guy swears like a sailor, which really is bad form. I’ve had to learn that one the hard way as well. After some missteps (and Brady laughing while coaching) Dylan actually shows some legitimate style and gets a girl to sit next to him on the VIP couch. I’m really impressed by this. If the timeline of the show is correct and they only had one day Brady literally got this guy to go from a total freak to someone who should legitimately have gotten that girl’s number. Good job Brady.

Kosmo has Kip start with an 80’s music question. They’ve tried this opening repeatedly and I have yet to see it work nor can I see how it would. You’re in a club. Let’s place a median age of 25, which is probably high. That woman would be born in 1982 and would be 8 when the 80’s ended. Of course she wouldn’t know 80’s music. Too easy to lose the girl’s attention immediately. After a panic attack, Kosmo tells him that he only has 28,000 days to live and to go out there and do this. I’m not sure if that is a great motivational speech as it sure as hell implies that screw it, you could just do this tomorrow. Still, Kip gets the girl’s number so props for that. I’m still more impressed by Brady.

It’s final decision time. One of these two guys will win 50,000 dollars and get to travel the world with Mystery teaching others how to be Pick Up Artists. The other goes back to his parents’ basement. After some last minute critiques we get our final decision and the winner is….Kosmo. Son of a…. I just lost fifty bucks on this show. Well, guess douchebaggery is the deciding factor in being a Pick Up Artist.

So that’s the show. I’ve wasted a month of my life blogging this and all I have to show for it is a bad back and Mystery’s book on how to pick up women. What? Look, it was on sale at Amazon. I mean, how can you not trust advice written by a guy with a pair of lips tattooed to his neck? Any guy who looks like that and can get women obviously has to know something.

Nope, I have no experience with any of this episode...

Best of 120 Minutes: Here is some instant adrenaline to start your work week: Veruca Salt’s “Seether”. Man, I had a huge crush on Louise Post. Hell, I still have a huge crush on Louise Post. Why I didn’t move to Wicker Park in 1993 is still beyond me.

Time for the penultimate episode review for The Pick Up Artist. I have two comments before we start. The first is that I had more success this weekend by doing the exact opposite of what Mystery would have done than I’ve ever had following his code. Seriously, Friday night was very cool. I’ve left bars before going “what the hell just happened?” except this time I was sober. Why I left a bar sober is a whole other story.

The other point is I finally figured out the pick up line to use while I go grocery shopping this week. I’ll just go up to the prettiest girl I see and go “Hey, do you know where a guy can find some Tang in this place?” Can’t see what could possibly go wrong. Anyway, on to the episode.

Episode 7: And Now On the Main Stage

Last time we saw our merry band of fanboys they were being shown how to buy lingerie. I don’t think I mentioned this last time but isn’t that one of those things that guys should never do? You’ll always lean towards something that you subconsciously remember from a porno as opposed to something practical. And wouldn’t this be the equivalent of a girl giving you boxer shorts? I know it’s romantic and stuff but still. Anyway, in the main challenge they were asked to try to get a girl to go across the street and Pradeep not only failed but screwed up his competitor’s game as well and was eliminated. That leaves us with Brady, Kosmo and Fat Joe as our final three.

We start with the usual banter, “Oh no Pradeep is gone”, “I have to step up my game”, “It’s scary to make myself emotionally available to women.” The last one was from Brady who pretty much admits in one sentence why he is now taking lessons from a guy who travels with his own mascara. This week’s lessons is how to hit a moving target. Or hit on, as the case may be. Yes, Mystery is even showing these guys how to pick up a girl walking down the street and does it by saying things like “objects in motion tend to stay in motion.” Honestly, I feel like I just watched a lesson on proper stalking technique. The challenge is to get a woman’s phone number as she is walking across a bridge. Oh, someone is going to get pepper sprayed for sure on this one.

Kosmo uses the “stand by the side of the bridge and yell at women as they walk by” technique, which is something beyond creepy. Imagine a random guy yelling “I need a woman’s opinion on something” as you go walking past him. Brady gets a girl to talk to him but it’s a conversation as opposed to a romantic entreaty. In Mystery’s mind, this makes him an absolute failure. Fat Joe follows Kosmo’s lead with slightly more success just due to the fact that he is funnier and seems friendly. Still, pretty much a failure. In the end, Mystery chews them out and no one wins. No one was arrested either so at least they did that right.

We then get Mystery’s next lesson. Since we’ve shown that the guys have had issues in the real world Mystery wants them to focus on picking up girls who are working at the time. Because we’ve all had crushes on a favorite bartender or waitress. Those would be sensible targets. Instead, Mystery wants these guys to pick up strippers. Wait, I mean “exotic dancers”. Brady just admitted he had never been in a strip club which I’m not sure I’ve seen many 25 year old dudes admit to. Mystery gives what can only be summed up as his best advice of the series though probably the least applicable. I’m not quite sure what the big challenge is here. Three simple rules: 1) get her real name so that you’re not calling her something like Jasmine or Talc all night, 2) ask her how work is going because that really screws up their scripts and 3) view her as a real person. It works wonders (or so I am told.)

Challenge time as our final three pull up in a limo with license plate “GME ON”. Kosmo plays it cool and actually gets a conversation going except you can’t tell if she’s interested in him because she likes him or because, you know, she’s being paid to be interested in him. Brady insults a girl and asks why is she a stripper and that is just not a good opening line. Fat Joe does a better job with Brady’s girl. Kosmo seems to be in a real conversation, Fat Joe looks like he works the door at the place and Brady finally is able to get a girl to talk to him, which in a strip club should not be a challenge.

By the way, no one has tipped anyone, been pressured to buy a drink or been forcibly asked to buy a dance. Austin is apparently Bizzaro world when it comes to these things. Again, or so I’ve been told. I mean, it’s not like I vacation in New Orleans all the time or anything.

Kosmo’s girl had a boyfriend and that’s the end of that game. Why, I’m not sure. Fat Joe ends up in the “Let’s Just Be Friends” zone with his girl, which is rather amazing given the circumstances. Good looking girl, too, if you could get past the horrendous back tattoo. What made anyone ever think that those are a good idea? Brady, finally showing the promise that I saw in him when this show started, gets a girl to change clothes, head out to his limo and make out with him. I agree with Mystery, mad props for the effort. Whether it is the wisest thing to do is another story. Brady wins and makes the final two.

Elimination time and this should be quick. It’s either Kosmo or Fat Joe. They each plead their case (interspersed by a very appropriate ad by Virgin Mobile) and in the end Fat Joe is eliminated. It’s the right call and to be honest, the guy is at the point now where he should be able to get a bunch of dates. All in all, he is going to leave this show with his pride intact and a better life.

The final is tomorrow and it is Brady vs. Kosmo. Who will win the love of women around the world? Who will win the show? Would that even be the same person? Is it fair that the two best looking guys are the ones who made the finals? All will be discussed in due time.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “Stop All The World Now”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) Aimee Mann “Lost in Space”
4) Sarah McLachlan “Surfacing”
5) Tiny Town “Tiny Town”