It has been many months since we have been graced by Mystery’s presence. Without his ever-present guidance many of us have ventured into bars, flailing wildly in an attempt to dance and swooping into conversations like a wounded osprey only to be pathetically ignored by women and bartenders alike. Worry no more my friends, at long last our hoped for day is here. The return of The Pick Up Artist.
(For those wondering, my agent did a much better job for me this year. Made it to the third round of the casting process until I was disqualified for actually having a girlfriend at the time. Yes, my chance at international fame was squashed by they very thing I was trying to become famous for. Given that last year’s winner Kosmo was an actor and runner up Brady was a former model I didn’t think that I should be disqualified. Oh well, there is always season 3.)
After all this build up it’s time to meet the dweebs!
Episode 1: We fear what we do not understand
We start with the setup and get to see that Kosmo gets to travel the country sharing his tips on how to pick up women with men who pay several thousands dollars for weekend sessions in which they are taught these lessons. I’m not kidding on that front. I actually checked out Mystery’s website to see what these things cost. It is just nutty. Mystery is joined by his returning wingman Matador, who was the only one of the bunch last year that I would actually want to spend time at a bar with, and new wingwoman Tara, who gets promoted after gracefully allowing herself to be kissed by the contestants last season. Sadly J-Dog, my idol if just for his horrible black streaked hair, is nowhere to be seen this time around. It is never stated what has happened to J-Dog. I can only hope that he is somewhere nicer, using his day game expertise to his full advantage.
The setting has changed as well. We have moved to Arizona after spending last season in Austin. I’d consider this a much harsher environment for the contestants given that to my knowledge most of the people living in Arizona are senior citizens. However, it will provide a more level playing field than Austin as anyone could sit down in a coffee shop in Austin and pick up someone. It is why I was trying to move there but even though everyone calls it an up and coming city there are apparently zero jobs there. I had more interviews with companies in New Orleans than Austin.
And here come the geeks.
Todd: A 26 year old nice guy who falls into the “just friends” category with every woman he meets. He’s complaining about making no progress in life. Join the club.
Ryan: Is our 28 year old virgin from Portland. He’s never learned how to socialize and in his video from home he shows off one of his stuffed animals. Yowzers.
Simeon: Is one of those guys who freaks me out. 27, super hyper and was living on a houseboat. Is also the guy most likely to be asked if he is on crystal meth.
Karl: Is a 21 year old Radio Shack employee. I don’t think I need to go into any more detail than that. On the list of things you shouldn’t tell anyone is the fact that you work at Radio Shack.
Matt: Is self-conscious about his looks to a severe degree. True, the gap in the teeth is a slight issue but concerns about body hair? Dude, it’s called manscaping. Queer Eye made it acceptable like five years ago.
Greg: Has long hair and glasses and looks like the guy who ran your computer lab in college. His voice cracks around women.
Brian: Is 21 and has never kissed a girl. He is also wearing a Models Wanted t-shirt and when he gets nervous he spells out words so he doesn’t stutter. Maybe I am over-qualified for this show.
Kevin: Apparently is on the show because he is on a cold streak. I’m not sure if that means you need the help of a guy in a top hat. Maybe you just need to go to a different bar. Also, he looks like either Harold or Kumar. Take your pick.
Alex: Is our “women thinks he’s gay” contestant this year. With the Mr. T style gold chain, Elton John glasses and pink neon hat I’m stunned that this ever comes up in polite conversation.
Someone just referred to meeting Mystery as meeting Willy Wonka. I fear what the Oompa Loompas are like in his factory. Mystery has replaced the top hat for a cowbot hat though he still has the goggles. The Geek Squad is stunned upon meeting Mystery that they are forced to go into the club immediately. Apparently they all skipped last season’s opening episode.
Kevin goes first, makes a beeline to a table of women, throws out a line about digging deeper and crashes so hard the black box is unrecoverable. Matt actually makes friendly contact asking a girl what she is drinking but goes no farther than that. Just Friends Todd asks permission to ask a question to which the answer is most certainly no. Matador likes Greg’s look for some bizarre reason. His insulting Arizona tactic doesn’t work well on an Arizona native.
Brian actually does surprisingly well. Sure, he struck out (you don’t ask what type of toothpaste someone uses) but he at least made a decent conversation. Simeon is aptly described as the annoying creepy guy who makes you wonder what he is on at the moment. Rian, (apparently he lost a y in the process) looks worse than I did at 28. Given that many people reading this know what I looked like that is rather frightening. Karl starts a conversation and then has the woman’s friend actually ask “Why are you talking to him?” Ooh, that is where I would make a pithy remark. Or would at least think of one four hours later. Alex has women yank his proverbial chain as well as his literal one but can’t even use that to make conversation and ends up being the weird quiet guy wearing an enormous gold chain.
So after the strikeouts now Mystery goes in to do it. Hatless, no less. I really need to see if he can work without his hat. He still does magic tricks though. Matador immediately starts getting some because he is freaking Matador. All he has to do is go “I’m the Matador!” and women fall all over him. Anyway, all this leads to is pictures of the geeks in the control room cheering the fact that Mystery is about to get laid, which is really creepy when you think about it.
We then move on to avatar creation time and sadly not in Everquest though I think some contestants would prefer that route. I’m actually curious about this as I am in the midst of rethinking my look. I think a new town deserves a new look. One that shows that I’m 35 with a good job and that I have my shit together. Advice welcome as always.
Brian (who has what can only be called the oddest hair ever) goes for a gangster look and Rian is having serious issues with shopping. Yes, shopping for clothes has this guy near tears. Dude, stop crying. What would your Dungeon Master say if he saw you like this? Matt, in what has to be a first for a reality show, is sent to a dental surgeon to get his teeth fixed. Greg loses the angsty poet ponytail, numerous guys get pierced (which I would never do) and Matt finally gets waxed, which I could have told him to do. They all show off their new looks and dang, Greg did an awesome job in no longer looking like he is studying a Linux manual. Matt, in a wonderful bit of editing, seems to have had all of his dental issues solved in an afternoon without any pain whatsoever.
In a big shock, one of the contestants is judged to be not ready for this before the contest even starts. Wow, talk about a kick in the balls. You apply for a show because you are a loser who can’t meet women. You make the cut and subject yourself to a national TV audience. Now the guy in the hat says, “Dude, you are so far gone even I can’t help you.” And Alex is told to leave. Partly because he did the worst job at peacocking but mainly because he couldn’t even talk to women when they came up to him. He vows vengeance on Mystery and Matador as he leaves. Actually he pledges to work hard on his own but I feel it better to think that they had to drag him from the house as he shook his fist and cried out “Revenge!!!!”
That is it for Episode 1. Given that this review went longer than I thought I’ll do Episode 2 tomorrow in which we will see which of our merry band of Morlocks can meet the good doctor. Stay tuned.
(For those wondering, my agent did a much better job for me this year. Made it to the third round of the casting process until I was disqualified for actually having a girlfriend at the time. Yes, my chance at international fame was squashed by they very thing I was trying to become famous for. Given that last year’s winner Kosmo was an actor and runner up Brady was a former model I didn’t think that I should be disqualified. Oh well, there is always season 3.)
After all this build up it’s time to meet the dweebs!
Episode 1: We fear what we do not understand
We start with the setup and get to see that Kosmo gets to travel the country sharing his tips on how to pick up women with men who pay several thousands dollars for weekend sessions in which they are taught these lessons. I’m not kidding on that front. I actually checked out Mystery’s website to see what these things cost. It is just nutty. Mystery is joined by his returning wingman Matador, who was the only one of the bunch last year that I would actually want to spend time at a bar with, and new wingwoman Tara, who gets promoted after gracefully allowing herself to be kissed by the contestants last season. Sadly J-Dog, my idol if just for his horrible black streaked hair, is nowhere to be seen this time around. It is never stated what has happened to J-Dog. I can only hope that he is somewhere nicer, using his day game expertise to his full advantage.
The setting has changed as well. We have moved to Arizona after spending last season in Austin. I’d consider this a much harsher environment for the contestants given that to my knowledge most of the people living in Arizona are senior citizens. However, it will provide a more level playing field than Austin as anyone could sit down in a coffee shop in Austin and pick up someone. It is why I was trying to move there but even though everyone calls it an up and coming city there are apparently zero jobs there. I had more interviews with companies in New Orleans than Austin.
And here come the geeks.
Todd: A 26 year old nice guy who falls into the “just friends” category with every woman he meets. He’s complaining about making no progress in life. Join the club.
Ryan: Is our 28 year old virgin from Portland. He’s never learned how to socialize and in his video from home he shows off one of his stuffed animals. Yowzers.
Simeon: Is one of those guys who freaks me out. 27, super hyper and was living on a houseboat. Is also the guy most likely to be asked if he is on crystal meth.
Karl: Is a 21 year old Radio Shack employee. I don’t think I need to go into any more detail than that. On the list of things you shouldn’t tell anyone is the fact that you work at Radio Shack.
Matt: Is self-conscious about his looks to a severe degree. True, the gap in the teeth is a slight issue but concerns about body hair? Dude, it’s called manscaping. Queer Eye made it acceptable like five years ago.
Greg: Has long hair and glasses and looks like the guy who ran your computer lab in college. His voice cracks around women.
Brian: Is 21 and has never kissed a girl. He is also wearing a Models Wanted t-shirt and when he gets nervous he spells out words so he doesn’t stutter. Maybe I am over-qualified for this show.
Kevin: Apparently is on the show because he is on a cold streak. I’m not sure if that means you need the help of a guy in a top hat. Maybe you just need to go to a different bar. Also, he looks like either Harold or Kumar. Take your pick.
Alex: Is our “women thinks he’s gay” contestant this year. With the Mr. T style gold chain, Elton John glasses and pink neon hat I’m stunned that this ever comes up in polite conversation.
Someone just referred to meeting Mystery as meeting Willy Wonka. I fear what the Oompa Loompas are like in his factory. Mystery has replaced the top hat for a cowbot hat though he still has the goggles. The Geek Squad is stunned upon meeting Mystery that they are forced to go into the club immediately. Apparently they all skipped last season’s opening episode.
Kevin goes first, makes a beeline to a table of women, throws out a line about digging deeper and crashes so hard the black box is unrecoverable. Matt actually makes friendly contact asking a girl what she is drinking but goes no farther than that. Just Friends Todd asks permission to ask a question to which the answer is most certainly no. Matador likes Greg’s look for some bizarre reason. His insulting Arizona tactic doesn’t work well on an Arizona native.
Brian actually does surprisingly well. Sure, he struck out (you don’t ask what type of toothpaste someone uses) but he at least made a decent conversation. Simeon is aptly described as the annoying creepy guy who makes you wonder what he is on at the moment. Rian, (apparently he lost a y in the process) looks worse than I did at 28. Given that many people reading this know what I looked like that is rather frightening. Karl starts a conversation and then has the woman’s friend actually ask “Why are you talking to him?” Ooh, that is where I would make a pithy remark. Or would at least think of one four hours later. Alex has women yank his proverbial chain as well as his literal one but can’t even use that to make conversation and ends up being the weird quiet guy wearing an enormous gold chain.
So after the strikeouts now Mystery goes in to do it. Hatless, no less. I really need to see if he can work without his hat. He still does magic tricks though. Matador immediately starts getting some because he is freaking Matador. All he has to do is go “I’m the Matador!” and women fall all over him. Anyway, all this leads to is pictures of the geeks in the control room cheering the fact that Mystery is about to get laid, which is really creepy when you think about it.
We then move on to avatar creation time and sadly not in Everquest though I think some contestants would prefer that route. I’m actually curious about this as I am in the midst of rethinking my look. I think a new town deserves a new look. One that shows that I’m 35 with a good job and that I have my shit together. Advice welcome as always.
Brian (who has what can only be called the oddest hair ever) goes for a gangster look and Rian is having serious issues with shopping. Yes, shopping for clothes has this guy near tears. Dude, stop crying. What would your Dungeon Master say if he saw you like this? Matt, in what has to be a first for a reality show, is sent to a dental surgeon to get his teeth fixed. Greg loses the angsty poet ponytail, numerous guys get pierced (which I would never do) and Matt finally gets waxed, which I could have told him to do. They all show off their new looks and dang, Greg did an awesome job in no longer looking like he is studying a Linux manual. Matt, in a wonderful bit of editing, seems to have had all of his dental issues solved in an afternoon without any pain whatsoever.
In a big shock, one of the contestants is judged to be not ready for this before the contest even starts. Wow, talk about a kick in the balls. You apply for a show because you are a loser who can’t meet women. You make the cut and subject yourself to a national TV audience. Now the guy in the hat says, “Dude, you are so far gone even I can’t help you.” And Alex is told to leave. Partly because he did the worst job at peacocking but mainly because he couldn’t even talk to women when they came up to him. He vows vengeance on Mystery and Matador as he leaves. Actually he pledges to work hard on his own but I feel it better to think that they had to drag him from the house as he shook his fist and cried out “Revenge!!!!”
That is it for Episode 1. Given that this review went longer than I thought I’ll do Episode 2 tomorrow in which we will see which of our merry band of Morlocks can meet the good doctor. Stay tuned.
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