Nope, I have no experience with any of this episode...

Best of 120 Minutes: Here is some instant adrenaline to start your work week: Veruca Salt’s “Seether”. Man, I had a huge crush on Louise Post. Hell, I still have a huge crush on Louise Post. Why I didn’t move to Wicker Park in 1993 is still beyond me.

Time for the penultimate episode review for The Pick Up Artist. I have two comments before we start. The first is that I had more success this weekend by doing the exact opposite of what Mystery would have done than I’ve ever had following his code. Seriously, Friday night was very cool. I’ve left bars before going “what the hell just happened?” except this time I was sober. Why I left a bar sober is a whole other story.

The other point is I finally figured out the pick up line to use while I go grocery shopping this week. I’ll just go up to the prettiest girl I see and go “Hey, do you know where a guy can find some Tang in this place?” Can’t see what could possibly go wrong. Anyway, on to the episode.

Episode 7: And Now On the Main Stage

Last time we saw our merry band of fanboys they were being shown how to buy lingerie. I don’t think I mentioned this last time but isn’t that one of those things that guys should never do? You’ll always lean towards something that you subconsciously remember from a porno as opposed to something practical. And wouldn’t this be the equivalent of a girl giving you boxer shorts? I know it’s romantic and stuff but still. Anyway, in the main challenge they were asked to try to get a girl to go across the street and Pradeep not only failed but screwed up his competitor’s game as well and was eliminated. That leaves us with Brady, Kosmo and Fat Joe as our final three.

We start with the usual banter, “Oh no Pradeep is gone”, “I have to step up my game”, “It’s scary to make myself emotionally available to women.” The last one was from Brady who pretty much admits in one sentence why he is now taking lessons from a guy who travels with his own mascara. This week’s lessons is how to hit a moving target. Or hit on, as the case may be. Yes, Mystery is even showing these guys how to pick up a girl walking down the street and does it by saying things like “objects in motion tend to stay in motion.” Honestly, I feel like I just watched a lesson on proper stalking technique. The challenge is to get a woman’s phone number as she is walking across a bridge. Oh, someone is going to get pepper sprayed for sure on this one.

Kosmo uses the “stand by the side of the bridge and yell at women as they walk by” technique, which is something beyond creepy. Imagine a random guy yelling “I need a woman’s opinion on something” as you go walking past him. Brady gets a girl to talk to him but it’s a conversation as opposed to a romantic entreaty. In Mystery’s mind, this makes him an absolute failure. Fat Joe follows Kosmo’s lead with slightly more success just due to the fact that he is funnier and seems friendly. Still, pretty much a failure. In the end, Mystery chews them out and no one wins. No one was arrested either so at least they did that right.

We then get Mystery’s next lesson. Since we’ve shown that the guys have had issues in the real world Mystery wants them to focus on picking up girls who are working at the time. Because we’ve all had crushes on a favorite bartender or waitress. Those would be sensible targets. Instead, Mystery wants these guys to pick up strippers. Wait, I mean “exotic dancers”. Brady just admitted he had never been in a strip club which I’m not sure I’ve seen many 25 year old dudes admit to. Mystery gives what can only be summed up as his best advice of the series though probably the least applicable. I’m not quite sure what the big challenge is here. Three simple rules: 1) get her real name so that you’re not calling her something like Jasmine or Talc all night, 2) ask her how work is going because that really screws up their scripts and 3) view her as a real person. It works wonders (or so I am told.)

Challenge time as our final three pull up in a limo with license plate “GME ON”. Kosmo plays it cool and actually gets a conversation going except you can’t tell if she’s interested in him because she likes him or because, you know, she’s being paid to be interested in him. Brady insults a girl and asks why is she a stripper and that is just not a good opening line. Fat Joe does a better job with Brady’s girl. Kosmo seems to be in a real conversation, Fat Joe looks like he works the door at the place and Brady finally is able to get a girl to talk to him, which in a strip club should not be a challenge.

By the way, no one has tipped anyone, been pressured to buy a drink or been forcibly asked to buy a dance. Austin is apparently Bizzaro world when it comes to these things. Again, or so I’ve been told. I mean, it’s not like I vacation in New Orleans all the time or anything.

Kosmo’s girl had a boyfriend and that’s the end of that game. Why, I’m not sure. Fat Joe ends up in the “Let’s Just Be Friends” zone with his girl, which is rather amazing given the circumstances. Good looking girl, too, if you could get past the horrendous back tattoo. What made anyone ever think that those are a good idea? Brady, finally showing the promise that I saw in him when this show started, gets a girl to change clothes, head out to his limo and make out with him. I agree with Mystery, mad props for the effort. Whether it is the wisest thing to do is another story. Brady wins and makes the final two.

Elimination time and this should be quick. It’s either Kosmo or Fat Joe. They each plead their case (interspersed by a very appropriate ad by Virgin Mobile) and in the end Fat Joe is eliminated. It’s the right call and to be honest, the guy is at the point now where he should be able to get a bunch of dates. All in all, he is going to leave this show with his pride intact and a better life.

The final is tomorrow and it is Brady vs. Kosmo. Who will win the love of women around the world? Who will win the show? Would that even be the same person? Is it fair that the two best looking guys are the ones who made the finals? All will be discussed in due time.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “Stop All The World Now”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) Aimee Mann “Lost in Space”
4) Sarah McLachlan “Surfacing”
5) Tiny Town “Tiny Town”