Or, tell her she'd make a great plus size model

It’s time once again for our weekly life lessons by Mystery. Think of Mystery as a Mr. Rogers for the 21st century. Instead of putting on a sweater and telling you how to treat people fairly he puts on a feathered boa and teaches you how to lie to women. Sigh. You know what the sad thing is? Every time I try what Mystery recommends it works extremely well.

Episode 5: Wow, I bet if you were just a little prettier you could be in Sports Illustrated

When last we saw our team of Transformers they were introduced to the certified sexologist. Escort, sexologist, tomato, tomatoe, let’s call the whole thing off. Rian acted like Starscream and ruled the club. Todd acted like Bumblebee and was eliminated. And let’s face it, who the hell ever wanted to be Bumblebee. Worst toy ever.

Since we are down to the Final Five let’s recap our remaining contestants

Rian: Amazed that he has made it this far as he is an uber nerd (several degrees beyond me even). Unable to properly spell is own name.
Simeon: Acts as if he downs about a dozen pixie sticks before entering a club. Not a strong challenger.
Matt: Nice guy who has shown zero game so far. Another person who you thought would be eliminated by now.
Greg: Early favorite in that he is the best looking of the bunch and does show a decent amount of game. For some reason always wants to talk about the weather.
Brian: Half man, half afro, all manfro. Gets a great deal of attention as he is so super goofy and filled with positive energy. Whether he can turn that into something more substantial is still to be seen.

We start with the tearful end to the elimination ceremony. Simeon describes it as being the “third quarter”. This is where I would discuss my dating strategy in terms of a spread offense using a lot of quick hits with the occasional desperation deep throw where in all honesty my best hope is for a pass interference call. But that is just me.

We then go on a road trip to a resort. Greg apparently likes salsa, which makes me really wonder how he doesn’t have a girlfriend. If he just liked salsa I could understand it but dancing assumes that you have a partner. For the reward challenge the guys are at a celebrity auction where they will try to show off their higher social value. Winner gets Tara. In the field. Damn, that would have won the game right there.

So the guys go off to work on their stories. More accurately, completely fabricating stories. Again, I really don’t recommend lying as a pick up technique but that is mainly because I simply cannot lie. Ever. That fact might come in handy if you know me. Brian goes first and does his usual giddy energy. Matt talks about Italy and acts as though he is giving a lecture. Rian talks about his work in the theater and gets no love from the crowd. He has to beg for bids at a charity auction. Simeon discusses a trip to India. Guess that might get some interest. Greg from Salt Lake City does precisely what I would recommend: tell the damn truth about your best self. He talks about doing his two year service mission and gets some women to swoon. See, that is what you need to do. Don’t make up something that you can’t back up. Put yourself in the best light but make it real. Still Matt wins because people like discussions about wine. So there you go.

The lesson this week is how to pick up the hired guns: the bartenders, strippers and bikini models of the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, picking up a stripper is not that challenging. I’d explain but it takes a great deal of alcohol. Which is what you need to pick up a bartender as well, go from a customer to a friend and then make a play. Anyway, they learned the importance of insulting the girl who is paid to stand there and be pretty and then get ready for their field test: a real life bikini fashion show. Because I know I run into those on a weekly basis at the clubs.

Before that we get Rian freaking out about not having an opener and turning it into a nervous breakdown. You had to know at some point one of the guys would go “Oh my God, what the hell am I doing here?” Also, whereas before every other challenge Mystery talks to the guys in what appears to be the parking lot of the club for this one the setting is the dingy storage room of a hotel. There is a freaking caged off room filled with boxes. How are you supposed to get your swerve on when you are starting in that environment?

We start off with Greg who tried the patented EC hovering maneuver and fails miserably. No, no you have to have a sense of panache as you stand patiently just over the girl’s shoulder as you hope that your Jedi mind tricks will cause her to fall madly in love with you. Greg then tries an interview tact and fails again.

Brian is absolutely fearless as he walks right up to a table of models and starts talking. Give him props, that takes serious balls. However, he can’t keep up his momentum and he ends up following a girl through the club trying to finish his story about pickle juice. Rian, styling the white pimp hat, actually legitimately got a girl’s interest which really does amaze me. For not having some of the natural gifts of the other guys he sure does put in a good showing. Still can’t close worth a damn.

Matt enters along with wingwoman Tara. One of those strange facts of life: to meet women you need to have a woman with you. Matt freezes up and needs to basically be pushed into talking to them. When he does he makes good progress, Tara provides evidence that “yes, attractive women are drawn to me” but he cannot pull the trigger. For crying out loud, I do a better job at getting digits than these guys and my proudest possession is a collection of every Beavis and Butthead episode ever made (with videos).

Hyper Rooster Simeon is finally in his element where being eccentric is a plus. As in discussing manicures and where to best get a pedicure. He actually gets a girl’s number with the promise of getting a pedicure with her next week. Not a bad gambit. I’d use it but you really wouldn’t want to see my feet. Also, this is the same girl that Rian and Matt talked to so he might have had the advantage of her just wearing out. Simeon wins the contest hands down and gets immunity.

Elimination time. We’re down to Brian and Rian. Brian is called out for being too much of a clown. Rian doesn’t show the desire to actually get the girl. In the end Brian ends up having to go home. As I’ve been saying for weeks, he is a guy you want with you in a bar because he draws attention but his type just doesn’t get the girl. And wow, does he breakdown after the show. Still, ten bucks say he has his own show on VH1 after this.

Next week: Grocery shopping! Finally a real life situation. And maybe someone will use my ultimate pick up line “Hey, do you know where a guy can get some Tang around here?” Can’t wait.