Lindsay's Still Innocent in my Book

I posed my theoretical time travel question to Kim over the weekend thinking that it would score me big points. I mean, not only would I be talking about time travel but my response would be urbane and educated as I would want to travel to Elizabethan England to see Shakespeare’s plays as opposed to, say, St. Louis in 1993 where I could catch a ton of Uncle Tupelo shows. Her response however just knocked me off my feet.

“You know that question is pretty much meaningless to me because outside of the last fifty years or so I couldn’t travel anywhere in time as a single woman without losing all of my rights.”

I swear I did not see that answer coming. I took this question from The Onion’s AV Club and in the two pages of answers that people responded only one vaguely referenced the idea that as a man I could pretty much go back to any time in history and be perfectly fine while a woman on her own would be discriminated against at pretty much every twist and turn. The fact that Kim immediately thought this, and the fact that it was a complete blind spot for me, is one of the reasons I love being with her.

(Well that and the fact that she allows me to discuss time travel in her presence.)

In a news story that is obviously a fabrication of the liberal media Lindsay Lohan had her probation revoked after testing positive for cocaine. Gasp! Not Lindsay! But she seemed so pure and elegant! I mean, it’s not like she was photographed with white powder coming from her shoes or anything…

On the other hand, Paris Hilton will not have to go to jail for having cocaine fall out of a purse that was in her hand, that she had twittered about buying, and that had her driver’s license in it but was obviously not her purse. You know, with all the money that we spend on the war on drugs don’t you think that we could use a little of it to take Paris off the streets? I think that we would all appreciate it.

Best of 120 Minutes (9/19/1993): I honestly don’t remember this one. Evan Dando and the Lemonheads covering Suzanne Vega’s “Luka”. Gives a completely different take on the song as I don’t recall the original one ending with a wail of feedback.

Three Concepts, No Connections

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ve been discussing music with people a lot this week and one of the items that comes up is the difference between what is the best music out there and what I enjoy the most. Those aren’t always the same thing. My favorite R.E.M. disc is Reckoning and no one in their right mind would consider it to be their best album. I just really enjoy listening to it, much more than Automatic For The People.

The reason I bring this up is that there is probably no one that I enjoy listening to more right now than Josh Rouse. He has released new albums each of the past three years and each one became my new favorite. There is something completely relaxing about his music. It’s not that this is the most brilliant and daring work of art that I have ever heard. He just writes great songs that make me feel good. Here’s “Quiet Town” off of the album Subtitulo.

On The Pick Up Artist: You know, that show would have been infinitely cooler if they did it all under a Jedi motif. I mean, they were already handing out medallions with mystical symbols on them in order to indicate advancement to the next level. Seriously, that was their version of the rose ceremony. J-Dog and Matador made up the start of a Jedi Council and they should have gone all out and had fifteen or twenty guys making up the Council. Could have included that conehead guy just for the hell of it.

I do have one more episode to review as they did a 30 minute “Tricks of the Trade” episode with Mystery. I have a sense that there is going to be untold brilliance in that piece of history. After all these years I’ve decided that being me but being the best me possible is pretty much the best strategy. It might not have the same success rate in terms of pure numbers as Mystery’s method but the quality more than makes up for it.

News Story That Made Me Wonder If I Should Up My Medication: Paris Hilton will be embarking on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda in November. I swear I’m not making this up. This is coming from E! and if you can’t trust the network that brought us multiple seasons of The Anna Nicole Show who can you trust. I don’t get the sense that this is going to help our standing in the international community. Starting random wars for oil is vaguely understandable, this is just downright cruel.

I’m not sure what Paris is going to accomplish, or attempt to accomplish, or even vaguely compose a thought of what she could conceivably accomplish there. I fully anticipate numerous pictures of Paris with a confused look on her face as she glances around and looks for a bar. I’m also hoping for numerous complaints about how horrible it is that these people lack air conditioning and personal assistants. I’m sorry, I know that I should consider this to be a step in the right direction for her in that she’ll at least now know that she needs to get in a plane to go to Rwanda but seriously, is there a bigger waste of space on the planet? Talk about someone whose very existence wastes my oxygen.

Returning to the world of the celebutante

(Last note on the Benoit situation and the comment on the last post. It dawned on me last night that in the past three months I’ve watched news reports on Virginia Tech, the Ward Parkway shooting and now Chris Benoit. All completely senseless tragedies and some hitting much closer to home than others. So much, so quickly can really leave you feeling numb inside. Maybe all I can take from this is that life is precious and that you should do all that you can do to embrace it, relish it and rejoice in it.)

Now, back to our usually scheduled broadcast of pop culture events, analysis and dreams.

Have a great bar story from this weekend that may mark a new high point in my drinking career. I believe that I have set a new personal best in terms of “Famous people ordering drinks over my shoulder while I’m just sitting at my usual seat at the bar.” The new clubhouse leader is Josh Blue, the winner of Last Comic Standing, who ended up at Harry’s on Saturday night after doing a comedy show in town. It’s really strange to just be sitting at the end of the bar, turning and going “Hey, that’s the dude that won the reality show.” It’s not an extremely famous person but please remember that a) I tend not to hang out in fancy nightspots where the elite hang out and b) it’s not like famous people hang out in Kansas City to begin with.

In other celebrity news, they finally let Paris Hilton out of jail. I know, I know, our long national nightmare is finally over (or just begun, depending on your point of view). I’m expecting for her to hit the talk show rounds and then keep a low profile for a few months. Then she’ll come out with a tell-all book detailing her time in prison and discussing how it changed her life. Not a tell-all book that she actually wrote, mind you, though that might set the record for the most uses of the word “like” in a manuscript. Hell, I could probably write the book for her this weekend without even talking to her. I’ll just watch a few women in prison movies and then I’ll be set. It would just be interesting to see if any book reviewers would recognize the relationship between Paris’ time in prison with that served by the character played by Wendy O. Williams in “Reform School Girls.”

(Yes, I got in a Wendy O. Williams reference! That’s how old school I am.)

Finally, I did receive the news that my beloved Lindsay is going to remain in rehab. This means that she will be spending her birthday next week in rehab and as an adoring fan I will be making my way out to California to ensure that she will be able to celebrate her 21st birthday in the proper manner. Hell, I’m even bringing my famous butter rum cake. Well, except without the butter. Or the cake for that matter. But there will be plenty of rum. Look, we have to celebrate the fact that she can now legally drink. Think of all the exclusive nightclubs she’ll now finally be able to enter.

As promised last week, the top 10 albums of the Oughts will be posted tomorrow. I like that name for this decade. It’s been a time where there have been a lot of things we ought to have been doing and lots of things that ought to have gone differently.

Maybe we could bring back the stockcades...

There is just no justice in this world. Not even within the criminal justice system. How the hell did they let Paris Hilton out of jail? Don’t they understand the threat that she poses to society? All of this work, all of this effort to put her behind bars so that we can film the best women in prison movie ever all goes away in a matter of days. It is just sad.

Personally, I like the fact that the official explanation is “medical reasons”, which is rumored to be that she was refusing to eat the prison food. I should remember that, it may prove useful in the future. It’s great logic, “Welcome to jail” “I don’t like the food here, can I go home?” “Sure.” The other thought was that she had broken out in a huge rash though that could possibly be the shock of her seeing her actual skin without three inches of makeup on it. She’s someone I wouldn’t touch without wearing a hazmat suit.

(Now my beloved Lindsay, on the other hand, is someone I would welcome with open arms. Especially since she has occasionally left rehab to workout. That’s the type of devotion that I like to see in someone, screw the group session I need to do pilates. Also, there is no truth to the rumor that I am forming a rescue party in which we will all be equipped with bolt cutters and bottles of peppermint schnapps. But as a proud member of the Lindsay Liberation Front I just have to ask for her to stay strong. We’ll still make sure her 21st birthday will be off the hook.)

Hey, did anyone notice that the Mighty Ducks won the Stanley Cup? Anyone? Ok, anyone other than Emilio Estevez, who is probably sleeping on his dad’s couch right now. I don’t know what is worse, a) the fact that no one paid attention to the Stanley Cup, b) that I didn’t even bother watching hockey due to it being on Vs. or c) that freaking Anaheim gets a Stanley Cup before the Blackhawks. They don’t even have ice in Anaheim. I think they practice in the same place they keep Walt Disney. The only good thing about the hockey playoffs is that it led Vs. to show Youngblood three thousand times and there is nothing better than the second best hockey movie ever made. Well, I guess that would technically make Slapshot better but still, Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze running the power play is a sight to behold.

Vs. is a rather strange network. Right now they are showing all of the America’s Cup qualifying races. The Americans (mainly that prick who runs Oracle) have all been eliminated and therefore we will not be able to reclaim the cup from the evil Swiss. Yes, the America’s Cup is currently held by Switzerland, a nation that has no access to water to speak of. We have two oceans and we can’t even beat the freaking Swiss. That’s just sad.

That’s it for this week. Have a fun weekend everyone.

Where's Carson When You Need Him

I don’t really need a reason to post a Julie Delpy picture. I mean, other than the fact that today did end in a Y and that means that I am more than justified in posting a Julie Delpy picture. I’m not sure when I crossed that point of regular fandom into this other realm that I currently occupy. Probably when I bought a copy of the movie poster for White off the wall of a Borders bookstore. That’s not a joke. I literally bought the store’s display poster while it was still on the wall. That’s impressive to me at least.

Anyway, I was able to find this picture thanks to the fact that this month’s issue of Best Life has an article with Julie. What in the world is Best Life you ask? It is the magazine that I for some reason buy whenever I am stuck in an airport. Mainly because they have headlines like “8 Rules of Fitness Made Fast and Easy”, “5 Perfect Foods for Men” and “Save Your Own Life in Just 3 Minutes.” It gives me the impression that I’ll be able to turn my life around while stuck in the middle seat. Of course, none of the hints are that useful and I barely read it but still, it at least looks like I’m trying to change my life. Why in the world they chose to interview Julie in Paris is beyond me. I mean, I’m grateful but as I always say, when you make a marketing decision based on what makes me happy you’ll be out of business in a month.

Also, I have to give a shout out to the Replay Lounge in Lawrence, which was named one of America’s top bars in the new issue of Esquire. I’m not quite sure I would consider it the best place ever but where else could you see Immaculate Machine perform a set and play a few games of pinball?

Given that I am on the subject of men’s magazines, which I have to admit our piling up in my apartment at an alarming rate, I find myself once again struggling with my personal style. I am in a serious rut as best indicated by Rodolfo noticing that I was still wearing the same shirt that I wore the last time we saw each other. Which was four years ago. I mean, I really like the dress shirt, vintage t-shirt and jeans look but it is time for a change. Hence all of the magazines discussing clothing that I can’t even define much less figure out where to go to buy.

As a result I am once again putting out a request for volunteers to help me update my wardrobe. Since I apparently can’t get cast for a reality show I’ll have to do it on my own. I’ll take any and all advice, will actually be dragged out shopping if necessary, all for your fun and amusement. If there are any takers please let me know. Otherwise I’ll just be the guy walking into a store with a copy of GQ going, “See this page? Yeah, I need that.”

Oh, and to follow up on yesterday’s post, I want everyone to go to Jail Paris Hilton and sign the petition. We must all lend our voices to insure that Governor Schwarzenegger does not pardon Paris Hilton. Wow. I understand all of the words in that last sentence but it makes no sense at all. I really wonder why I bother writing fiction anymore. Why hold up a mirror to the world when it is a funhouse already.

With Rosie O'Donnell as the Warden and Tara Reid as Baby Doll

One thing to add to last night’s post. How ballsy was the casting agent who went up to Warren G and went, “Dude, you really need to be on Celebrity Fit Club.” I mean that is asking for an inordinate amount of trouble. I could see how they were able to get Young MC a few seasons back (though it still bugs me that everyone in the cast referred to him as “Young” as if that was his first name) but Warren G? That is some pretty impressive casting.

Since I am tired and don’t really have anything important to write about tonight I figure that I might as well talk about the big news story that I have completely failed to mention over the past few days, which is Paris Hilton’s impending imprisonment. First, I have to thank my friends over at Gawker Media who I believe were the first people to print shirts that read “Don’t Free Paris” in order to counteract the “Free Paris” t-shirts that you are going to see on hipsters starting this Thursday. It was cool when I was growing up and passed by a guy who was selling “Free James Brown” t-shirts. Paris Hilton, not so much.

(Oh and I haven’t seen anyone write about this but am I the only person who is envisioning a Women in Prison film out of this whole mess? Something like Reform School Girls 2 starring Paris Hilton with a guest appearance by Martha Stewart as the lifer who shows the new girl the ropes. The script pretty much writes itself.)

I honestly don’t know if I have ever seen a 45 day prison sentence viewed with such widespread acceptance by society. I actually think our collective culture is glad to see Paris get sent off to the clink for a while just so we won’t have to deal with her for a change. There is absolutely no concern about what this might mean for her future or how it might affect her psyche. At this point, no one even views her as a real person. She is a Barbie doll brought to life, complete with multiple outfits, vacuous stare and a propensity to melt when exposed to an open flame. Heck, she’s not even a Barbie. That’s a little too classy. She’s one of those dolls you get at a 99 cents store as a present for a child you really can’t stand. One of those where you don’t want to touch it because if you do you end up having to wash your hands for several hours in order to feel clean.

That said, depending on when she serves her sentence I may or may not see her at my beloved Lindsay’s 21st birthday party in July. Why yes, of course I’m invited. In the “I’ll rent a tux, make my way to Vegas, and act like I’m working there” sort of way. Either that or the “these air vents have to lead into the nightclub at some point” way, which too be honest would probably be more effective. It’s going to be the biggest party of the year as she finally can’t get in trouble for partying. Well, ignoring that whole rehab thing, which could be a potential downer. Just wait, this is going to be the celebrity story of the summer.