Author’s Note: Before I get into my Pick Up Artist recap I want to go over some of the details for tomorrow. First, please vote. Don’t worry about waiting in line. If your boss yells at you because you were late due to exercising your constitutional privilege it is probably a good sign that you should be working for another company. My plan is to start writing at 7 Eastern and then live blogging until a winner is reached or I fall asleep dreaming of maps of various colors. Not sure when I will actually post but I might post halfway through the night and then update it later on. Otherwise if you want my immediate insight ping me on my cell.
Someone did ask why I was doing this as opposed to say, watching the results with other people. If I was in KC I would do just that. Sadly, I know absolutely no one in this town other than the people I work with. I’m not even sure where to go to watch the results. So my choices are a) sit on my couch, watch the returns and write about it or b) go to a bar and hope that I am surrounded by intelligent people though be faced with the distinct possibility that I will just sit there by myself the entire night. I’ll stick with choice A at the moment though I would love to hear other people’s opinions as to whether I am doing the right thing or not.
Anyway, enough seriousness. Off to the recap…
Episode 4: Starring Andrew McCarthy
When last we left our group of Younglings they had just learned from Master Yoda the secret of physical control while Master Windu taught the importance of standing in a non threatening manner. Greg successfully maintained his composure when confronted with the Sith temptress Nursina Attractivus as well as successfully navigated the Mos Eisley Cantina to move one step closer to his seat on the Jedi Council. Karl met someone who didn’t like him (and her friend didn’t like him either) and was left being shot down before he could even raise his blaster. How will our heroes fare in the face of the Death Star this week? And yes, it is fully operational.
We start as always with the reminiscences of the guy who was just eliminated. The amount of tears shed always amazes me. This show is so preposterous, where people like Rian gets phrases like “never touched a boob” listed under his name, that I’m not sure how anyone can sit there with a straight face.
Challenge time and it is time to discuss how far guys had gotten with women. This includes “I touched a boob and ran away” and “I’ve never even kissed a girl”. I’m already confused by this. I assumed that most guys had the same experience that I had: getting their first kiss in high school from a girl they met at a comic book convention. I mean if you can’t bond over Peter Parker’s tragic relationship with Gwen Stacey then what hope do you have?
We are introduced to Erin the sexologist. Yes, apparently teaching sexual techniques is a paying job with an official title. Well, I guess it always has been except that this is slightly more official and probably involves a test. In what would make me just walk off the set and make a beeline to knock that stupid hat off of Mystery’s head they bring out a department store mannequin for the guys to show off their technique. And we’re not talking Kristy Swanson level mannequin here. This is the Kim Cattral, you’d have to be extremely drunk, mannequin. The guys kiss the doll and vaguely grope it. I’m embarrassed just watching it.
Erin then asks if the guys know what an erogenous zone is. Matt mistakenly answers that it is where the Romulans can be found. Erin with her partner Whitney then shows off the erogenous zones apparently showing that being a sexologist seems to imply that you will make out with another woman as part of your job. And for the reward challenge the guys get 90 seconds with Erin to test their touching techniques. Which means that her job, and her entire purpose on the show, is to play two minutes in the closet with all of these guys. Now I’m embarrassed for her. Winner (chosen by Erin) gets an earpiece so Mystery can give instructions in the club.
Simeon starts first, immediately takes his shirt off and slobbers over her. This now makes me not want to be the last guy in line for this contest. Todd is shy to the point of fearfulness. Matt aims for the gentle touch and does a good job. Greg goes in with the sole goal of not passing out. Brian, our fun freak, just goes at it. Sometimes you can use awkwardness and ignorance to your advantage. Rian can be best described as clumsy and mechanical. Well, I would be too if I was having my first kiss on national television. Matt wins and gets Mystery in his ear. I would still prefer Matador talking me through the situation even if his only instructions would be yell “I’m the Matador!”
Lesson time as we talk about how to escalate with touch. For those who remember last season this is the epic “Light kino” part of the process. This is where we are taught all of the specific steps one must go through in order to reach the point where you can kiss a girl. Or at least without being slapped. Brian has been practicing his makeout techniques on a ham sandwich. At least we now know who will get the new Flavor of Love spin off. But no time for that now as we are off to the club where the goal is to kiss a girl. The guys are all anxious partly because they are unsure if they can successfully use the techniques and partly because they’ve never kissed a girl before. Let’s bring on Arizona’s finest young ladies!
First person in Axis is Simeon our super hyper rooster. He immediately locks in a two set with two girls from Pennsylvania. He gets them to a booth but does the saddest attempt at touching the girl’s leg that I’ve ever seen. Dude, at least grab her knee or something. He gets a number, which is far from a kiss. Todd starts out with a Mary Kate or Ashley question and gets shot down immediately. He is slow to recover but is able to use the same line on two other girls but that leads to a discussion on the differences between gerbils and meerkats. Now I’ve talked genetics in a bar with a woman once but I’d shy away from this topic. Not surprisingly he can’t even get a number.
Matt now enters with his guardian angel Mystery who immediately gives the advice “start with the hottest chicks and work your way backwards.” Words to live by to be sure especially as the more you drink the more the end of the curve begins to look like the beginning. After an Ocean’s Eleven line he gets the girls to the booth where one starts pulling panties out of her purse. Ok, coming from someone who has legitimately had two girls throwing punches over him in a bar parking lot I have never had that happen to me in my life. I think it actually freaks him out so he just ends up kissing her on the cheek. Sad, really.
Greg, my favorite in the contest, starts by talking about the weather. The girls aren’t interested. Wow, this is sad. The phones start coming out and it is game over. That is called crashing and burning. Rian, who really needs to add a Y to his name, uses my technique of just randomly getting women to talk to him as he passes by. This turns into a massage and an awkward but still nice kiss on the cheek. Good job for probably the geekiest guy on the show. We end with Brian and his afro. Though the guy’s fearlessness is commendable he hit a group where it didn’t work and got shot down as a result.
No one actually kissed a girl but we give Rian the win for his good work. He had a good night, comparable to some of my good nights. Not a great night but a good night. So apparently this means I earn the green medallion, representing enlightenment.
Elimination time. Mystery chews out the crew for not kissing their target and questions whether there are any true Pick Up Arists amongst them. Heard this same speech last season. Mystery then critiques each guy, getting on Todd for hovering. Wow, where have I heard that one before? The last two are Todd, who gets lost in his own head like I do, and Greg, who seems to not know how to start. Greg stays as he shows more promise. That leaves Todd to make to long walk back to his mom’s basement. Bummer because he did remind me of me.
Next week, stuff happens! Or at least I assume stuff happens as my DVR cut out the last two minutes. Still a week without Matador is a week without joy.
Live blog tomorrow. Go Obama.
Someone did ask why I was doing this as opposed to say, watching the results with other people. If I was in KC I would do just that. Sadly, I know absolutely no one in this town other than the people I work with. I’m not even sure where to go to watch the results. So my choices are a) sit on my couch, watch the returns and write about it or b) go to a bar and hope that I am surrounded by intelligent people though be faced with the distinct possibility that I will just sit there by myself the entire night. I’ll stick with choice A at the moment though I would love to hear other people’s opinions as to whether I am doing the right thing or not.
Anyway, enough seriousness. Off to the recap…
Episode 4: Starring Andrew McCarthy
When last we left our group of Younglings they had just learned from Master Yoda the secret of physical control while Master Windu taught the importance of standing in a non threatening manner. Greg successfully maintained his composure when confronted with the Sith temptress Nursina Attractivus as well as successfully navigated the Mos Eisley Cantina to move one step closer to his seat on the Jedi Council. Karl met someone who didn’t like him (and her friend didn’t like him either) and was left being shot down before he could even raise his blaster. How will our heroes fare in the face of the Death Star this week? And yes, it is fully operational.
We start as always with the reminiscences of the guy who was just eliminated. The amount of tears shed always amazes me. This show is so preposterous, where people like Rian gets phrases like “never touched a boob” listed under his name, that I’m not sure how anyone can sit there with a straight face.
Challenge time and it is time to discuss how far guys had gotten with women. This includes “I touched a boob and ran away” and “I’ve never even kissed a girl”. I’m already confused by this. I assumed that most guys had the same experience that I had: getting their first kiss in high school from a girl they met at a comic book convention. I mean if you can’t bond over Peter Parker’s tragic relationship with Gwen Stacey then what hope do you have?
We are introduced to Erin the sexologist. Yes, apparently teaching sexual techniques is a paying job with an official title. Well, I guess it always has been except that this is slightly more official and probably involves a test. In what would make me just walk off the set and make a beeline to knock that stupid hat off of Mystery’s head they bring out a department store mannequin for the guys to show off their technique. And we’re not talking Kristy Swanson level mannequin here. This is the Kim Cattral, you’d have to be extremely drunk, mannequin. The guys kiss the doll and vaguely grope it. I’m embarrassed just watching it.
Erin then asks if the guys know what an erogenous zone is. Matt mistakenly answers that it is where the Romulans can be found. Erin with her partner Whitney then shows off the erogenous zones apparently showing that being a sexologist seems to imply that you will make out with another woman as part of your job. And for the reward challenge the guys get 90 seconds with Erin to test their touching techniques. Which means that her job, and her entire purpose on the show, is to play two minutes in the closet with all of these guys. Now I’m embarrassed for her. Winner (chosen by Erin) gets an earpiece so Mystery can give instructions in the club.
Simeon starts first, immediately takes his shirt off and slobbers over her. This now makes me not want to be the last guy in line for this contest. Todd is shy to the point of fearfulness. Matt aims for the gentle touch and does a good job. Greg goes in with the sole goal of not passing out. Brian, our fun freak, just goes at it. Sometimes you can use awkwardness and ignorance to your advantage. Rian can be best described as clumsy and mechanical. Well, I would be too if I was having my first kiss on national television. Matt wins and gets Mystery in his ear. I would still prefer Matador talking me through the situation even if his only instructions would be yell “I’m the Matador!”
Lesson time as we talk about how to escalate with touch. For those who remember last season this is the epic “Light kino” part of the process. This is where we are taught all of the specific steps one must go through in order to reach the point where you can kiss a girl. Or at least without being slapped. Brian has been practicing his makeout techniques on a ham sandwich. At least we now know who will get the new Flavor of Love spin off. But no time for that now as we are off to the club where the goal is to kiss a girl. The guys are all anxious partly because they are unsure if they can successfully use the techniques and partly because they’ve never kissed a girl before. Let’s bring on Arizona’s finest young ladies!
First person in Axis is Simeon our super hyper rooster. He immediately locks in a two set with two girls from Pennsylvania. He gets them to a booth but does the saddest attempt at touching the girl’s leg that I’ve ever seen. Dude, at least grab her knee or something. He gets a number, which is far from a kiss. Todd starts out with a Mary Kate or Ashley question and gets shot down immediately. He is slow to recover but is able to use the same line on two other girls but that leads to a discussion on the differences between gerbils and meerkats. Now I’ve talked genetics in a bar with a woman once but I’d shy away from this topic. Not surprisingly he can’t even get a number.
Matt now enters with his guardian angel Mystery who immediately gives the advice “start with the hottest chicks and work your way backwards.” Words to live by to be sure especially as the more you drink the more the end of the curve begins to look like the beginning. After an Ocean’s Eleven line he gets the girls to the booth where one starts pulling panties out of her purse. Ok, coming from someone who has legitimately had two girls throwing punches over him in a bar parking lot I have never had that happen to me in my life. I think it actually freaks him out so he just ends up kissing her on the cheek. Sad, really.
Greg, my favorite in the contest, starts by talking about the weather. The girls aren’t interested. Wow, this is sad. The phones start coming out and it is game over. That is called crashing and burning. Rian, who really needs to add a Y to his name, uses my technique of just randomly getting women to talk to him as he passes by. This turns into a massage and an awkward but still nice kiss on the cheek. Good job for probably the geekiest guy on the show. We end with Brian and his afro. Though the guy’s fearlessness is commendable he hit a group where it didn’t work and got shot down as a result.
No one actually kissed a girl but we give Rian the win for his good work. He had a good night, comparable to some of my good nights. Not a great night but a good night. So apparently this means I earn the green medallion, representing enlightenment.
Elimination time. Mystery chews out the crew for not kissing their target and questions whether there are any true Pick Up Arists amongst them. Heard this same speech last season. Mystery then critiques each guy, getting on Todd for hovering. Wow, where have I heard that one before? The last two are Todd, who gets lost in his own head like I do, and Greg, who seems to not know how to start. Greg stays as he shows more promise. That leaves Todd to make to long walk back to his mom’s basement. Bummer because he did remind me of me.
Next week, stuff happens! Or at least I assume stuff happens as my DVR cut out the last two minutes. Still a week without Matador is a week without joy.
Live blog tomorrow. Go Obama.
3 comments:
Kim Cattrall always looks so gorgeous. No matter what she is doing, she always looks great. I just got her voice on my GPS as a voice download from Navtones.com. She now tells me where to go turn by turn and I love it.
Yes! Your blog is great, and I know something about the night elves, they are the race I WOW power leveling when I get my first account:The reclusive Night Elves power leveling[ were the first race to awaken in the World of Warcraft Power Leveling. These shadowy, immortal beings were the first to study magic and let it loose throughout the world nearly ten thousand years before Warcraft I. The Night Elves' reckless use of magic drew the Burning Legion into the world and led to a catastrophic war between the two titanic races. The Night Elves barely managed to banish the Legion from the world, but their wondrous homeland was shattered and drowned by the sea. I love this race and suggested everyone that start their WOW power leveling a rogue or druidof night elf
I love this show. The episode was great. I loved the "sexologist" who is probably an actress, but that's ok.
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