Keeping with this week’s theme of romance tonight I figured that I would rattle off some of the incredibly stupid things I have done in the attempts to find love, a relationship or just someone who would acknowledge my existence. Usually when people talk about how their relationships fail it is always because of something wrong with the other person. Looking back I’ve finally realized that I was just a complete idiot. I’m married now. After reading the following you will wonder how the hell that happened but understand why it took me nearly seven years of effort to get Kim to go on a date with me.
1) At the age of 29 I took up smoking in an attempt to look cool. Or, as one of my drinking buddies put it. “If you are going to inhale all of this secondhand smoke then you might as well get some benefit from it.” Plus there was the surprisingly accurate logic that if you sit at a bar with a pack of cigarettes and a book of matches in front of you people will talk to you, if only to bum a cigarette. That part of the plan actually worked. It is an amazing prop to have if you need one. However, I never took into account the fact that I did not know how to smoke, that I couldn’t smoke without coughing and that the entire thing made me look even less cool in the process. This culminated when a girl, who had asked me for a cigarette told me, “Give me your phone, I want to call the idiot who told you to start smoking in order to meet women.”
2) Purchased “The Mystery Method” by Mystery of VH1’s The Pick Up Artist fame. Given all of the crap that VH1 now airs why haven’t they brought that show back? We need the wisdom of Matador and J-Dog, damnit. Yes, somewhere in my book collection I have a dating guide that discusses the importance of peacocking and how to utilize negs. Theoretically I purchased this for entertainment purposes. Or at least I hoped so.
3) In the “it was a good idea at the time” category, I knew where one woman I liked would occasionally hang out and since it was near my apartment and the place served alcohol I figured that I would stop by every once in a while in case she was there because if she wasn’t, well, alcohol. This actually worked when I ran into her until I quickly realized that I had no Step 2 to the plan and looked like a total stalker. Yeah, not my best moment.
4) Been the “let’s go out and drink coffee together” guy on more occasions than I would like to admit. This has become a running joke for Kim as whenever I discuss any girl I knew in college she reminds me that going out for coffee doesn’t technically qualify as dating. Admittedly, on an engineering campus being within fifty yards of a woman technically qualifies as dating so I still feel that having a conversation made me a superstar under the circumstances.
5) Rocked the “cool, hip t-shirt under the dress shirt” look for years in an attempt to show that I had a good job but was still with it. Yep, never worked. Never once did I have anyone mention the t-shirt. Ok, one time someone did ask if I had ever been to CBGBs but given that I purchased that t-shirt at Urban Outfitters I felt more embarrassed for being asked the question than anything.
6) Decided that my go to small talk question would be “Who is your favorite muppet?” To be honest, I still think that question is awesome.
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