Calling it a year...

It is time to close the book on 2008. I’ve picked up my 2009 calendars: a Chagall wall calendar for my home office, a Get Fuzzy desk calendar for my work office and a Snoopy Day Planner for my briefcase. The last is proof that I will either a) never be an executive or b) never get married or c) possibly both. And there is much of the typical review of 2008 that I plan on doing. I’ll discuss the books I read over the year next week as well as the concerts I saw and the highlights of my five years of concert going in Kansas City. I’ll even post all of my resolutions tomorrow. But tonight I don’t wish to focus on any of that. I just want to try to piece together what this year has actually meant to me.

I don’t think that I have ever had a year quite like this one. 2001 and 2003 were both years of upheavals and changes but neither of them matched the range of emotions that I felt this year. There were moments this year that rank amongst the highlights of my entire life. I also suffered through some times that left me shaken, befuddled and in tears. I feel as though I have gone through the ringer this year and I have come out more confused than anything.

Maybe I should have taken it as a sign when the year began with a trip to the emergency room followed by time spent with a cardiologist. Looking at a monitor and thinking “That is my heart. All that I am is powered by that pulsating mass. That is all that I am” leaves you wondering just what are you doing with yourself. I am lucky in that despite all the tests I am still considered to be in good health and I truly want to keep it that way. Life is much too precious.

I was offered the opportunity to leave a job that I had grown tired of and I jumped at the chance. Even I was surprised by the ease in which I made my decision. I left a steady, well paying, if not entirely exciting position for a completely uncertain future. I didn’t even have a finalized resume or a clear idea as to what type of work I wanted to do. I just knew that I needed a change and that when someone offers to pay you for four months if you would just stop showing up in you say yes. And in all honesty it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

Because it provided me with a much needed sabbatical from all of the pressures that I place onto myself. For once my focus was not on others or a faceless corporation but it was on making my life what I wanted it to be. I spent more time writing, making progress on my novel but failing to complete it. I spent time being me; just letting my schedule be whatever I wanted it to be. And I spent a lot of time being with people and just enjoying life. You wouldn’t believe how much of a change that was at times.

But at some point I needed to find work so I entered the job search just before the recession took its toll. In a case of wonderful timing and networking I was able to find a job with a former employer doing precisely what I wanted to do. I now have a job that pushes me to my limit and I can see several fulfilling career paths to me. It might be strange to be celebrating the fact that I now use the word megawatts on a regular basis but the energy business is something I enjoy. Entering a new company is different and confusing and sometimes scary but it was something that I had to do.

It also meant that I had to pack everything I owned and travel to a place where I knew absolutely no one and start a brand new life. I may have joked about KC (ok, I always made fun of the place) but I had met some incredible people there who cared about me for who I am, which is my measure of being a true friend. Leaving them behind was one of the toughest things that I have ever done. I’m now in Delaware and four months later I still know absolutely no one and am spending New Year’s Eve at my laptop, wearing sweats while the rest of the world is in formal wear, trying to figure out where I am in the world.

I lost friends at tragically young ages this year. I saw how quickly a constant in your life can just disappear. I’ve been forced to face the fact that this world can be completely senseless and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Sometimes no matter how smart you are, no matter what you earn or how good of a person you are you will lose some people that you love. It is a lesson I knew I would learn but wished I could stay blissfully ignorant for just a little longer.

I’ve had friends reappear from the past. People I never thought I would talk to again suddenly showed up and asked “So what have you been doing this past decade?” I’ve discovered that my blog has a truly worldwide readership and it amazes me. I’ve seen political history and had chills go up my spine as it happened. I even got to host trivia games. But maybe there is one story that will signify this year. One that I’ve never really discussed here before.

Earlier this year I met someone who is simply one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. If you ask me what I look for in someone I could point to her and go “pretty much everything she is”. We went out and instead of the tragically comic misadventures that I usually have everything clicked. Neither of us could believe it, neither of us expected it but it felt totally right. Soon I found myself walking through an art museum hand in hand with her, making jokes about artists and how only a Kansas City museum would have so many paintings of cows and just feeling that this was what I had been looking for. If I have ever had a perfect moment it occurred that afternoon at Nelson-Atkins.

It dawned on me while I was Christmas shopping that if things had gone differently I might have ended the year by buying something very sparkly. Maybe in some parallel universe I did. In that universe I am still in KC and almost certainly unemployed but I wonder if I am better off all the same.

Because a perfect moment is just that: a moment. Then life comes back into play and reality seeps in and suddenly you find that a relationship is ending and you aren’t quite sure why. I know that it wasn’t meant to be and I’ve moved on but I still look back and wonder. It just seems to sum up this year perfectly. I occasionally have my dream in my hand but then it disappears. I look to 2009 and I know that, yes, I can find someone that is perfect for me. But then my self-doubt creeps in and I ask “but will I ever be able to hold on to her?” That my friends is the biggest question weighing on my mind at the moment.

I’ve been wondering what song I should end the year with. Last year it was “The Championship” by The Polyphonic Spree; a song of hope and determination that carried me through many a dark day this year. I decided that it would be a Frames/Swell Season song as they are both my favorite band and my most memorable show of the year. At first I thought of using “When Your Mind’s Made Up” as I have learned that nothing shall ever trump a woman’s decision. But even I found that a little cynical. I then considered “Keepsake”, a song about closing the door to your house, breaking the key in the lock and setting the whole place ablaze. As someone who yearns to just start anew it is a very intriguing choice.

In the end I came across this clip on YouTube and it was clear that this is it. It starts with a cover of Jeff Buckley’s “Last Goodbye” and ends with “Red Chord”, a song that speaks of possibility and of regaining joy. I watch this concert clip from 2001 and realize that by staying true to what he believed Glen Hansard was able to win an Oscar for his music this year. That dreams can come true just by believing in yourself, following your heart and making art. That is how I want to end the year. Just stay true. The rest will occur in due time.

Have a safe and prosperous new year, everyone.