Time for the final installment in the college bowl preview extravaganza. We finish off with the January bowl games otherwise known as “the only games that matter, though a few of them really don’t.”
January 1:
Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa: The bloody mary of bowl games as this is your first taste of football after a night of debauchery. Once again, my internal twelve year old’s dream of a South Carolina – Oregon State matchup has been thwarted. My hatred for Iowa holds no bounds. This is not just because I am an Illini and for some reason we hate Iowa and all the people in the state (mainly because they are so arrogant in the way they act like they invented corn). It is also because I have had to drive through the state on numerous occasions and other than picking up the Rural Singles Guide at the rest areas there is absolutely nothing to do in the entire state. So I’ll cheer for Steve Spurrier on the hope that his winning in Carolina keeps him at bay.
Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State: Back in the good old days this was the Citrus Bowl with the annual matchup of Tennessee vs. Big 10 Team That Overachieved in the Regular Season. Now we name it for a bank that may or may not exist (though it does promote itself through superheroes) and it still features a Big 10 team that surprised you. This year it is Michigan State which for the first time in its history actually played up to expectations. For that they get to face Georgia which at one point was a national title contender until everyone realized that they weren’t a very good team. I’ll cheer for the Big 10 out of habit and hope that they still do that Mascot Bowl at halftime.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Clemson: Sponsored by the camera used by Ashton Kutcher the Gator Bowl is best known for taking place in Jacksonville where when they ask you to leave the bar it is wise to just leave the bar. This would be an incredible matchup if it were 1981 and cable television did not exist. Instead we feature a Clemson team that might still be employing one of the interchangeable Bowdens as coach against a Nebraska team that really should be helping get the crops in for winter at this time. Also, for those who think that the name “Cornhuskers” sounds slightly bizarre there is a high school team in Illinois whose nickname is, and I am not making this up, the “Cornjerkers”. As a rule, you do not send little kids over to meet their mascot.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi: Penn State vs. USC: I am cheering for Penn State in this one for one reason and one reason only. Every win by Penn State makes it that much more likely that Joe Paterno will remain head coach. This will then result in Penn State combining the brightest minds in their engineering and medical schools to create a robot body for Joe Pa so that he will be able to coach indefinitely. Meca-Paterno will have advanced features like infrared vision and a flamethrower in order to best challenge officials rulings. Meca-Paterno will not be stopped. We will all fall to him as robots are strong and their hands are made of metal. This is what football is about.
On the other hand you will have Pete Carroll deciding to go one step beyond wearing red jerseys as the visiting team and will order half of his players to wear no jerseys, a quarter to not wear shoulder pads and the remainder to not wear helmets. They will also play under Canadian Football rules the entire game and will not be able to use the same player as quarterback twice in any given quarter. They will still be a two touchdown favorite.
A few of you will get up early enough to watch the Rose Bowl parade. For those of you who will not I will now provide all of the comments that you would have made if you were awake. “Wow, isn’t that float pretty?”, “Look, another marching band”, “Willard Scott is still alive?”, “They really should have a float made entirely out of hemp” and “Given that you are in my apartment it is safe for me to assume that I kissed you at midnight?” I, on the other hand, will just set my DVR to record the game on the hope of catching one of the Song Girls cheering for the wrong team again.
FedEx Orange Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech: Of all the BCS Bowl Games the Orange Bowl seems to always suffer the worst fate. First, they get the teams that no one wants to see in the BCS to begin with. In years where the Big East and ACC can’t put together a decent football team they should just end football season early and start basketball practice. No one would mind and it would save me from having to write about a Cincy team that does not have a single player that I could name and a Virginia Tech team that lost to East Carolina. Besides the horrible matchups the Orange Bowl also has lost much of the mystique that it used to have. It was the evening game after a full slate of daytime bowl games and it featured the extravaganza that was the Orange Bowl halftime show. The halftime show was often a thirty minute extravaganza featuring elephants, fireworks and washed up celebrities who would otherwise have been working on cruise ships. The third quarter was always fun to watch as the teams had lost their rhythm and had to deal with tire tracks on the field. Smart teams would actually perform surgeries during halftime to repair injuries suffered during the first half. I believe that one year Miami successfully installed a wishbone offense at halftime. Now I’ll just probably watch Chris Berman talk for ten minutes. Takes all the fun out of it.
January 2:
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech: I’m going to be working on January 2nd. A decent number of people will be working as you typically don’t want to blow a vacation day on your first day in the office. So I have to say I am really confused why this game isn’t on New Year’s Day. It will be a fun game to watch since Texas Tech runs the Playstation offense in which you line up with five wide receivers on every down regardless of where you are on the field. Of all the Big 12 squads they are the most fun to watch and since they are new to the national scene you don’t feel bad for cheering them. Ole Miss will feature Archie Manning on the sidelines because I believe it is a law that he must be on the sideline whenever anyone cares about the result of an Ole Miss game. Also, have to love the fact that it is assumed that people can’t spell Mississippi so we just call the school Ole Miss.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. East Carolina: Nothing could be finer than living in East Caroliner. My first Illinois game was against East Carolina and I couldn’t find the state then and I can’t find it now. It does have Skip Holtz though so that counts for something. What I like most about the Liberty Bowl is that every year they make this game later and later to the point that now it is in January. This is interesting because the game is played in Memphis and while it is technically a southern city it really isn’t a warm temperature destination. So every day the game is delayed the odds of having the instruments freeze to the faces of the members of the marching bands increases exponentially. You just can’t pay for that type of entertainment value anywhere else.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Utah vs. Alabama: I haven’t checked with my New Orleans crew as to how the city is taking this matchup. They must love having Alabama in town but are probably a little afraid of the Utah fans. This is because of the dirty little secret behind bowl games and why they don’t want a playoff. Bowl games are meant as a windfall for the cities that host them. For a place like New Orleans the Sugar Bowl (along with Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest) is when the bars earn their profit for the year. So they want nothing more than to have two teams with fanbases who travel well, drink heavily and in the case of the Sugar Bowl, are willing to buy large amounts of plastic beads and enter houses of ill repute. And while Alabama fits the bill Utah might be a little bit of a tougher sell.
I’ll give credit to Utah for making it back to the BCS. Two berths without being in a major conference is a big accomplishment (and one that I don’t see Notre Dame putting together any time soon). But I’ll cheer for Bama just because they are classic college football. Just look at the jerseys and the fans. They epitomize the game. Even if you never understand what an elephant has to do with the Crimson Tide it is still a team you want to cheer for.
January 3:
International Bowl: Buffalo vs. Connecticut: This game is being played in Toronto, which actually makes it convenient for both the teams and the fans. I also love the fact that Toronto is considered international given that the city is used as a backdrop for Chicago or New York in every television show and movie ever made. I don’t think you can call yourself a world traveler if all you have done is visited Toronto. This game features two schools that most people would be surprised to have football teams. In fact, most people would be surprised to find that there is a school named Buffalo. I’m not even sure if I believe it. There is a possibility that this is a nefarious plot by the Canadians to distract us in advance of an invasion but I would not be too concerned. Their military’s advance will be slowed by the fact that they will have to bring out the zamboni every twenty minutes.
January 5:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Ohio State vs. Texas: My impersonation of a Texas fan. “Wah, we should be in the title game!” My impersonation of an Ohio State fan: “Got to love any school that will admit you solely because you were born in the state of Ohio and can lift a pencil.” This certainly looks like it will be a good matchup and I want to see more of the Ohio State QB. He plays like Juice Williams but with things like an arm and poise. They will be matched by a Texas team out to run up the score in the hopes of securing a claim of the title. This is one to watch.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Ball State vs. Toledo: Really? We have to wait until January 6th for this game? Is this the second most important game of the season? Do Ball State and Toledo need that much time to prepare? Is the trip to Detroit….wait a minute, this game isn’t in Detroit? The GMAC Bowl is in Alabama? Why the hell is General Motors sponsoring a bowl game in Alabama? First GMAC becomes a bank and starts advertising that I should buy a CD from them since I won’t buy a car from them and now they are sending their advertising dollars out of state? This is totally wrong. I’m going with Ball State just because it is the home of David Letterman.
January 8:
FedEx BCS National Championship Game: Florida vs. Oklahoma: The granddaddy of all the bowl games: the…it’s not even called a bowl game? Wow, you think they would have come up with a better title. So this is the game for the national title between the two most deserving teams. Well, if you ignore the fact that Utah and Boise State are still undefeated. And that Penn State and USC both won their conferences with one loss as well. And that Texas actually beat Oklahoma. And that Alabama is super cool. So yeah, this one will clear up everything.
Let’s look at the two teams. You have Oklahoma, which has just been slaughtering its opponents and scoring something like 60 points a game all year. I’m still not sold on whether that is because they have a great offense or that no one in the Big 12 knows how to play defense. It is not as though those game were 63-3. They have played a lot of tough teams, though. Florida, on the other hand, made its way through the SEC with just a loss to Ole Miss to its credit. A loss that cased Tim Tebow to give his Gipper speech, which announcers are saying will be remembered forever though I still feel he sounds kind of like a dork when he is saying it. Still, they guy knows how to win and he beat Alabama by himself on Saturday.
My pick: If Percy Harvin is healthy I see Florida winning this one easily. No way can Oklahoma match all the weapons that Florida brings to the table. If Harvin’s ankle isn’t healed I still would go with Florida. I just trust Tim Tebow when the game is on the line.
Wednesday Night Music Club: People wonder why I am a fan of Arcade Fire. One simple reason: no one else writes song about power outages.
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