Oscar Play by Play

7:24 P.M.: It’s time for the Oscar play by play. Get ready for some unintentional comedy.

7:25 P.M.: But first, I’ve got to comment on a comment. The muse that appeared in my previous story is not meant to be some junior from UNO majoring in psychology (she is a female lead in another story and I met her in another part of the Quarter). My muse of the bayou is actually Julie Delpy. That entire short story was based on a dream that I had one night where (no lie) I was sitting on a balcony on Rue Orleans having dinner with Julie. If you asked me to list the top ten moments of my life, that dream probably makes the top five. Yeah, that is pretty sad.

7:28 P.M.: (Oh, and the Duke-Kentucky game in 1992 makes the top three.)

7:38 P.M.: So we just equated Shrek to Charlie Chaplin. Never thought that I’d see that happen. Guess that is the downfall of society.

7:41 P.M.: Wow, Kirstin Dunst went really blonde. Not sure if I like that or not.

7:47 P.M.: Oh cool, it is the “let’s put all the nominees on the stage at the same time like it’s the Miss America pageant.” All of this is to save thirty seconds of walking time. How embarrassing is it to be standing on a stage in front of a few thousand people wearing dress clothes that don’t fit and finding out that you lose? If you want to save time, how about cutting out the Counting Crows song that I am going to have to listen to in an hour or so?

7:50 P.M.: Chris Rock is going to have a little bit of a problem tonight. I have a feeling that this crowd might not get his humor. And it would be nice if he could swear. On the other hand. Renee Zelwigger is looking good. Still looks like she doesn’t have an original thought in her head, but she looks good.

7:51 P.M.: Hawkeye and the dude from Wings are going for the same award. And the winner is… Morgan Freeman. Kick ass. He’s deserved one for a while. Bummer for the dude from Wings, though. You know that his career has just reached its peak.

8:04 P.M.: Cate Blanchett (number 11 on my perfect mate list) is giving the award from the crowd. This just feels so weird. I mean, I’ll be happy if the ceremony ends before midnight but now we have people presenting to a camera and not the crowd. The crowd is watching on the jumbotron. And has anyone noticed that Dustin Hoffman has been shown a dozen times so far. Guess that Jack Nicholson wasn’t able to make it this year.

8:12 P.M.: Commercial comments. Good one from Mastercard doing the gas station take off on their own priceless campaign. And is it me or is Andie McDowell’s only acting gig nowadays the L’oreal commercials. Remember when she was a big thing with Four Weddings and a Funeral and Groundhog Day? (Oh, and please don’t ever put Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight in a commercial. God how I hate that song.)

8:18 P.M.: The Science and Technical Awards Oscars. Also known as, “The only chance a guy like me will ever get to meet Scarlett Johansen.”

8:20 P.M.: I’m still waiting for Best Supporting Actress. Who will follow in the footsteps of Mira Sorvino and Marisa Tomei? Add in Cuba Gooding Jr. for Best Supporting Actor maybe you don’t want to win the supporting awards. There is just a little bit of a kiss of death associated with the award.

8:23 P.M.: Cate Blanchett beats out Natalie Portman (perfect mate #2) for the award. Oh damn, she’s married. That sucks. Oh well, I guess I’ll just go console Natalie this weekend, who looked incredibly elegant for a young twenty something sitting in the crowd.

8:36 P.M.: Ok, Kirstin went too blonde. Too unnatural. Probably one of the few times that I would ever criticize the way she looks.

8:39 P.M.: 1) I would pay so much money for someone to yell “Play Mr. Jones” during the Counting Crows song and 2) I still say that this is the best example of luck winning out over talent in my life. Hootie is doing Burger King commercials, Adam Duritz got to date like a dozen actresses and is up for an Oscar. Explain to me how this is fair.

8:47 P.M.: Screenplay awards. Julie Delpy gets her nomination. I’m on the edge of my seat. Is there any justice in this world?

8:48 P.M.: Apparently not.

8:48 P.M.: Damn it.

8:49 P.M.: What the hell, Julie was on screen for like three seconds. I might as well change channels right now. Life just isn’t fair.

8:53 P.M.: Mickey Rooney is in the crowd. Answering the question, “Is Mickey Rooney dead?”

9:08 P.M.: Ah, the Phantom song. Which was originally supposed to be sung by Minnie Driver like it was in the movie (or so I am told). It’s being sung by Beyonce because, well, would you want to hear Minnie Driver sing? True story: Minnie Driver has an album out and has toured behind it. I actually saw a listing for her shows in Ticketmaster and thought, “Wow, Minnie Driver is a really cool name for a band. Like Eve’s Plum.” Never even came to mind that it was the actress. I would have gone just to heckle. (Oh, and man does this song suck. And I’m sorry but Beyonce looks like she is going to win the “Someone set the makeup gun to whore” award with way too much eye makeup on two different occasions.)

9:13 P.M.: Note to Jeremy Irons: ditch the long coat. Man is that a bad look.

9:24 P.M.: Ok, getting to see Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayek simultaneously in hi def is a pretty impressive sight. I still feel screwed over but this helps a little.

9:31 P.M.: Is it me or has there been an unbelievable amount of noise happening off stage tonight? It’s like a bad high school production or something. And who really wants to be hearing Antonio Banderas sing right about now? For Santana this is just another person they’ve tossed his way to sing over one of his guitar solos.

9:39 P.M.: That is a really good look for Natalie Portman. Though at some point someone will notice that she is like only five feet tall. A tiny little thing. Hell of an actress though.

9:55 P.M.: Well, we’ve classed up the In Memoriam section a little bit. Having Yo Yo Ma play makes it more meaningful as opposed to past years where there is always some awkward silence for some poor editor who probably did some incredible work while the actor you remember more from a television show got a standing ovation. It sill is a weird part of the show.

10:01 P.M.: Ok, who did Beyonce’s agent sleep with for this gig? Three songs? She’s not that talented, is she? Did I miss a memo or something?

10:05 P.M.: Life just got a little more fair, as Adam Duritz didn’t win an Oscar. Yep, just a little bit of schadenfreude there.

10:09 P.M.: Hillary Swank just won for Best Actress. We are just flying through the ceremony tonight. Though the note that Hillary is the first female actress nominated for playing a boxer isn’t that impressive given that she is the only female boxer in a film that I can remember. But they are at least they are letting her give a long speech.

10:17 P.M.: Gwyneth is looking good for being a new mom. The dude from Coldplay still goes down as one of the luckiest bastards on the face of the earth.

10:21 P.M.: Yes, Charlie Kaufman finally gets a writing award. Gives me hope that someone out there actually cares for creativity and individuality and uniqueness. This is a really good sign for the universe.

10:29 P.M.: Jamie Foxx wins for Best Actor, becoming the first member of the In Living Color cast to get an Oscar. Beating out such luminaries as Jim Carrey, Jennifer Lopez, and that red headed chick who was in like every other sketch. I can’t really complain with any of the acting awards tonight, all of them are deserved.

10:40 P.M.: Best Picture award time. I think that we have set the land speed record in terms of award show time. Seriously, we are like an hour ahead of schedule right now. Looks like I’ll actually get to sleep in time. Million Dollar Baby wins. I’m telling you, if you want to make it in Hollywood, write a good boxing picture. There was a reason why boxing was one of the first sports shown on television. It is perfect for a screen. Good show overall. Not the most memorable show of all time but not a bad one.


The five random CDs for the week:
1) Mike Plume Band “Fools for the Radio”
2) Tori Amos “From the Choirgirl Hotel”
3) Cowboy Junkies “Studio”
4) Cowboy Junkies “The Trinity Session”
5) Belly “King”