2008 Holiday Viewing Guide

If you are like me and have finished your Thanksgiving Dinner, hidden in the basement to avoid washing dishes and/or talking to relatives and are trying to come to grips that you just lost a hondo on the Lions (damn you Dante Culpepper) that can mean only one thing: it is time to plan your holiday TV schedule. Lucky for you I have scoured the television listings and can provide you with the ultimate in television experience. All shows are real and times are in CST (as this is based off of a Chicago Sun-Times list). Also, please note that if financial conditions have resulted in Christmas being cancelled this year please use this list as a way to remember how great this season used to be before the world collapsed. Or watch The Road as that will make a wonderful post-apocalyptic holiday tale. Here we go.

Thursday, Nov. 27:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): Yes I know that this has already occurred. However, I would be amiss if I did not mention this holiday classic, including the giant turkey float and poorly lip synched Broadway show tunes, for two specific reasons. One, Miley Cyrus performed because it is now a law that Miley Cyrus performs at every event. Two, there was a giant Smurf balloon this year. Just the concept of a giant smurf is enough to make me smile.

Mircale on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): Again in the past but this is the woderful 1947 version. However, I am not sure if this was the romantic and blissful black and white version or the colorized version in which Natalie Wood looks as though she spent six months in Chernobyl and is ready to destroy New York.

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (7 PM, ABC): One of the lesser known Peanuts special. I assume popcorn is involved. And maybe a subplot about Woodstock being quite upset about the entire holiday being centered around the eating of a fellow bird. I doubt that he will be happy at the dinner table to say the least.

An Old Fashioned Thanksgiving (8 PM, Hallmark): Watch as Jacquelline Bisset plays a puritan who unwittingly infects the indigenous people with smallpox. Oops, sorry, wrong show. Single mom, wealthy mother, insert typical Hallmark ploy.

Fruday, November 28:
Elf (6 PM, USA): Let's say you were forced to watch a Will Ferrell movie over the holidays. Since they are all the same I guess it really doesn't matter which one you pick. This one at least has Bob Newhart in it. You could probably change channels after his scenes are done.

Silver Bells (6 PM, Hallmark): A visiting farmer falls for a New York widow. Discovers said widow is in fact Anne Heche. Hilarity ensues. Farmer ends up fleeing to the countryside as he realizes the true meaning of Christmas is to spend as much time with cows as possible.

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (9 PM, Comedy Central): Yes, Jeff Dunham has a Woozle and his name is Peanut. Do you know when I first saw his act? When I was in high school! And he is still bringing out that damn Woozle! If you want to spend your Friday night watching a ventriloquist perform go right ahead. In my book they are just slightly ahead of mimes.

Saturday, November 29
One Magic Christmas (10 AM, Hallmark): A 6 year old restores her mom's holiday spirit. Then ruins it when on Christmas morning she throws a huge fit when she is given the wrong American Girl doll. "I wanted Kit! Can't you do anything right?"

A Very Married Christmas (2 PM, Lifetime): Ok, here is the actual review I have in front of me. "A man learns just before the holiday that his cheating wife wants a divorce". Thank you, Lifetime. This is quite possibly the most cynical concept behind a holiday movie ever made.

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus / Meet the Santas (4 PM and 6 PM. Hallmark): A double dose of Steve Guttenberg as Santa's son needs to find a wife and, of course, hilarity ensues. Actually, how tough would it be to be Santa's kid. You're stuck at the North Pole and there are absolutely no women around. Even as a kid while the elves were your size they were all like five hundred years old and probably just hang out back after work smoking and playing cards. And dad will never let you take Rudolph out for a ride. You're only trusted with Blitzen. Tough life.

The Santa Clause (6:15 PM, TBS): Tim Allen in a fat suit. Ok, a fatter suit.

Sunday, November 30
The Christmas Shoes (8 PM, Lifetime): Rob Lowe is a workaholic lawyer who crosses paths with a boy on Christmas Eve. I haven't seen this but I am going to guess that the boy teaches Rob Lowe that money and success is no replacement for human connections and the feeling of pride after helping one's fellow man. Also, since this is on Lifetime I am guessing that Meredith Baxter Birney also makes an appearance.

Monday, December 1
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7:30 PM, ABC): This is the classic animated special. As someone whose cardiologist did diagnose him with having Grinch syndrome I would like to state that my heart is not, in fact, three sizes to small. I contend that my heart is properly sized, it is my body that is three sizes too large. Plus, those bastards in Whoville got what they deserved. Their incessant singing creates an immense amount of noise pollution in addition to the waste of natural resources tied to their decorations.

Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): This would be the woefully unfunny Jim Carrey version. Hey, ever want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Nope, me neither.

Tuesday, December 2
Larry the Cable Guy's Star Studded Christmas Extravaganza (9 PM, CMT): Oh for crying out loud. Really people? I mean, what the hell? We take a day that is meant to commemorate the birth of our savior, the moment in which God allows himself to enter the world in human form as a helpless and innocent child, and celebrate it by watching Larry the Cable Guy? Is that what this holiday has come to? Jeff Foxworthy makes an appearance, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

Samantha: An American Girl Holiday (10 PM, Hallmark): Great scheduling by the Hallmark people here as I assume that a number of little girls will be allowed to stay up until 10 on a school night to watch this one. And again, why does Kit get short changed on this? Totally unfair.

Wednesday, December 3
Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): I still say this should just be called "Hermie the Misfit Elf and friends" but that is just me. Look, I might be a cynical bastard but even I smile at Rudolph. And I have tried to mimic Rudolph's voice whenever I say "She thinks I'm cute". Sadly, I don't get to use that impression nearly as much as I would like.

A Christmas Story (7 PM, TNT and roughly every two hours thereafter until you wish for someone to run a backhoe over your cable line): This film has suffered greatly from over-popularity. As a kid this was my film. No one really knew about it but every Christmas you would catch it on HBO and have an absolute blast. Now it has become this big tradition and it spoils the illicit fun of it. As an adult all I do is watch and wonder a) what the hell happened to Peter Billingsly, b) if one ever expected for one of the kids in the film to later appear in a porno and c) why they don't bring Real People starring Skip Stephenson and Sarah Purcell back on the air. Oh, and why we ever thought it was a great idea to arm small children.

Friday Deecmber 5
The Story of Santa Claus (8 PM, WGN): A toymaker is evicted from his shop in this animated special teaching the dangers of subprime lending practices.

Sunday, December 7
A Christmas Carol (9:30 PM, AMC): The story of a succesful businessman whose cost cutting techniques and efficiency improvements make him a leader of industry. Also, teaches the important lesson of using QuickBooks as opposed to a moralistic accountant.

A Christmas Visitor (6 PM, Hallmark): Remind me not to switch to the Hallmark channel in the next month. Here is the synopsis "Tragic news spoils a family's holiday." Sheesh. Can't we have something at least a little upbeat?

Monday December 8
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): I have two words for you; "Hell" and "Yeah". The greatest Christmas special ever. The music, the dancing, Pig Pen playing standup bass, Snoopy winning first prize for his doghouse, Dolly Madison advertisements, Linus' speech, the little Christmas tree and Joy to the World. And yes, this is from someone who has a painting of Snoopy hanging in his living room.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): While Charlie Brown might be the best, this is probably my absolute favorite. A bookish mouse (with glasses and an unbelievable resemblence to myself) writes a letter causing Santa to skip their town. Great songs and an interesting story. I'll always be eight years old whenever I watch it.

Jingle all the Way (7 PM, ABC Family): Governor Schwarzenegger stars with his Secretary of the Interior Sinbad in a film about the importance of using executive privlige to obtain the perfect toy for your family. Only film in history in which a reviewer has used the phrase "Could have used more Sinbad."

Tuesday, December 9
A Garfield Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): Eh, I guess it is about a lazy cat. Lasagna will probably get mentioned at some point. Maybe they'll finally explain why this single guy lives with a cat and a dog that he talks to every day. Nerml might also make an appearance, in case that makes it more interesting for you.

Wednesday. December 10
Home Alone (7 PM, Syndicated): Watch Macauley Culkin commit numerous acts of attempted murder.

Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Taken from the classic A. A. Milne tale....ok, I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the classic stories. I actually have the very copies of the books that I read as a child in my apartment at this moment because Christopher Robin was the only literary character I knew growing up who had the same name as I did. But since I enjoy the characters (as do my nieces and nephews) I can't complain about this as all. Well, other than the fact that grammatically speaking the title should be 'Winnie the Pooh and Christmas As Well!'

Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8 PM, ABC Family): In case you are already tired of Christmas specials and want to get an early jump on New Year's.

Thursday, December 11
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys (8 PM, ABC Family): I really think that the Island of Misfit Toys could carry a special by themselves. They need no additional assistance.

Friday, December 12
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): You know how I mentioned that I like Winnie the Pooh because of Christopher Robin? This is my sister's favorite because it features a Karen. It also teaches children the importance of magic hats and the impact of global warming.

Saturday, December 13
The Little Drummer Boy and The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (8 AM and 8:30 AM, ABC Family): Less an animated special and more of one hour of sonic torture as the song is played on an infinite loop. I mention this show just so parents will find a way to get their children away from the television set for this one.

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (1 PM, ABC Family): Ok, when the hell did they make all these additional specials? When I was a kid you had the two Rudolph's (Xmas and New Year's) and one Frosty. Now they have one for July? Why, is this so kids in Australia don't feel left out? Talk about the commercialization of Christmas. I didn't realize that Frost the Snowman was a brand.

It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): Do you know that I still haev not seen this movie? I have gone my entire life without watching more than five minutes of it. That might explain an awful lot when you come to think of it.

Sunday, December 14
The Santa Clause 2 (7 PM, ABC): Tim Allen: We can make him fatter and jollier. We can make his belly roll like a spoonful of jelly. We just can't make him funny.

Holiday in Handcuffs (3 PM, ABC Family): This one sounds like it should be on either Hallmark or Lifetime. "A waitress kidnaps a hunk to join her at Christmas." It does explain what Melissa Joan Hart has been doing these past couple of years, though.

Monday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Anything that features Rerun is worth watching. My favorite Rerun quote is from when the teacher asked the class if it had any suggestions for storytime, "Yes, can we hear the part where Anna Karennina throws herself under the train. No? Sigh. Alright, let's hear about Jack and Jill again."

Wednesday, December 17
A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa (7 PM, NBC): Note to people buying me gifts. Fozzy Bear collection of the Muppet Show. That is all. I need my Pigs in Space.

A Christmas Carol (8 PM, TNT): Captain Picard beams down to Victorian England to learn improved management techniques from the master.

Friday, December 19
A Holly Jolly Pops Holiday with the Barenaked Ladies (9 PM, PBS): I guess we are all going to ignore the cocaine charge that the lead singer was just hit with. Just a thought, PBS, you might want to check into those things before you build the programming schedule.

Saturday, December 20
A Very Brady Christmas (8 AM, ABC Family): As much as I would like to relive my childhood and watch the Brady Bunch if I am getting up that early on a Saturday morning the Snorks better be on. Followed by Dungeons and Dragons, Shirt Tales and Superstars of Wrestling.

Christmas in Wonderland (7 PM, ABC Family): This stars Patrick Swayze and Carmen Electra. I'm not even going to bother explaining the plot. If that doesn't catch your eye nothing will.

Sunday, December 21
Lights: Celebrate Hanukkah Live in Concert (11 AM, PBS): Ooh, a multi-cultural holiday special. On an eighteen page print out this was the only one I could find so you should probably watch it.

Christmas Day
The Yule Log (1:30 AM, WGN): Because nothing beats Christmas in front of an open fire than Christmas in front of a television set replicating an open fire.

Have a happy holidays everyone!

The level of courtesy required

I'm not sure what the following story says about me or society in general. I have been wondering lately if I have gotten a touch too cynical, or at least very dark-hearted about the world around me. Maybe this story explains where my head is at.

I've mentioned before that I now live in a high rise apartment. As a result, this is the first time in my life where I live in a building where I have to take an elevator on a daily basis. I didn't even have to do that in my dorm at college. This does force me into a fair bit of human interaction though not as much as one would expect. I apparently run on a different schedule than most of the people in my building as the elevator is typically empty when I get on. But this week I had a very interesting experience.

So I get home after working late and I'm in the lobby with two people who have gotten there before me. One of whom has a large number of shopping bags. They had already called for the elevator and when the doors open we all get in plus one other person on ahead of me. We all press our floor numbers except for the guy with the shopping bags, something that we all fail to notice until he sarcastically blurts out the following:

"Isn't anyone going to ask me my floor number?"

The degree to which this statement pissed me off really frightens me. His tone was just so accusatory as if the other three of us were just so pathetic that we lacked the common human decency to ask someone with bags what their floor was. And maybe there is something to be said for that but all I could think of was the following.

1) How the hell was I supposed to know to ask? There were three numbers pressed and a likelihood that one of them was the floor you wanted. 2) Why didn't you just say "Could someone punch 12 for me?" I would not have a single problem with that and would gladly do so. In fact, that is what I have done in similar circumstances. I've never taken it to be a god given right that complete strangers will preemptively bow to my every whim just because I have my hands full.

I left the elevator pissed off. I was upset that someone would dare try to guilt trip me just because I didn't go out of my way to assist someone I didn't know needed assisting. I'm not sure that I like having that feeling. Yes, I pride myself on being tough and living a take no prisoners, use every ounce of energy you have lifestyle. Henry Rollins would be very proud of my reaction, except that he would have encouraged me to swear at the guy as I left the elevator. The thing is, I'm not sure if that is who I really am.

I'm a nice guy. I go out of my way for people. I've said on occasion that I'm more interested in making other people happy than I am about making myself happy and I really think that is true. It's really the only way to explain the path my life has taken. And recently I wonder if that nice guy has just taken a few too many beatings and is being replaced with someone with a much harder edge. Someone who carries less guilt for not being perfect to all people at all times. While that probably makes me more like everyone else in the world I don't think I like it. I don't like being mean and I have a feeling that I am on that path.

It's something for me to think about at least. For my American readers, have a very Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow. For those from different lands, have fun in the office suckers. We've at least been smart enough to schedule holidays to provide for a four day weekend. Now if we were only smart enough to do so in nice weather.

No, URLOTHD

Some notes prior to the unofficial holiday tomorrow. See, I remember when the day after Thanksgiving was not an official holiday from a company perspective. You would actually have to take a vacation day to get a four day weekend. Now not only is the four day weekend a mandate (because otherwise our economy would collapse (or collapse even further) but it is assumed that no one will perform actual work on Wednesday. So much for a productive society.

From the “More Things Change the More They Stay the Same” file I came across the following two personalized license plates while driving on Sunday and they both filled me with a sense of anger and annoyance. Here they are…

IMLOVED: So whoop dee doo. You are loved. And you are apparently so confident of that fact that you feel the need to prove it via a license plate. All you are doing is arrogantly stating how happy you are. You know what? Screw you! The rest of us on the highway are bitter, emotionless shells of human beings who perform an endless array of farcical tasks on the infinitesimal hope that one day things will be slightly less sucky than they are right now. The last thing I want to see while driving is a reminder of how pathetic my life is. I think running that car off the road would be fully justified.

(Yeah, it hasn’t been the best few weeks in the relationship department for good old EC)

NO9TO5: I’m sorry but what could anyone have against Dolly Parton. Sure I can fully understand a dislike of Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin is a bit of an acquired taste but how could anyone make a public stand against a film that features Dolly Parton in all of her glory. Plus, it features the comical stylings of Dabney Coleman best known for roles in such films as…ok, he was in like three thousand films but none of them are coming to mind right now. But still, it is Dabney F’n Coleman. I see no reason to be protesting this film.

Switching gears, apparently Batman is going to follow in the footsteps of Superman, Captain America, numerous Flashes, and Uncle Ben and be killed off in the comic books. Sure, it will vaguely make sense. Batman is just a guy and you would think at some point someone would have come up with the bright idea of, I don’t know, shooting the guy but I’m not too sure I like this idea of bringing realism into comic books. Bruce Wayne has been Batman for seventy years and you know why that is the case? Because we really like having Bruce Wayne as Batman. We don’t want Dick Grayson or Tim Drake or whoever else they find on the scrapheap to replace him. We want the brooding old man. And let’s face it, we’re just going to find a way to resurrect him in a year anyway.

Also, I am so pissed that protestors have shut down the Bangkok airport. My flight connects through there. Sure, it takes me three days to get home but I got a really cheap fare.

Finally, a reason to read the blog over the holidays. On Thursday night I plan to provide my Holiday Season Television Guide. Don’t trust what you might find in some strange, archaic piece of communication colloquially referred to as a “newspaper”. Only at Battling the Current will you find out what to watch, where to watch it, and how much nog is required for you to adequately accept the fact that Larry the Cable Guy has a Christmas special. Should be great.

But Lava Girl Cannot Love Icicle Boy!

Many people have raised concerns about my embracing of schadenfreude in both the blog and my personal life. They worry about what it means when I spend pages making a mockery of other’s dating techniques or performing a victory dance when the executive who was most responsible for my not only quitting a job but also moving across the country just so I wouldn’t be in the geographic vicinity when the company imploded. Does it indicate that I am a shallow, spiteful, bitter man? Probably, but boy does it feel good.

On to the home stretch as the Triad face off in order to gain a spot in the finals.

Episode 7: Has Anyone Ever Told You How Much You Look Like Mary Worth?

When last we left the Four Horsemen they learned the tricks of the trade on how to pick up women in a supermarket. “The Total Package” Matt focused on shopping and failed while “The Enforcrer” Rian used his crowbar of love to gain a girl’s trust and phone number. In the tag team challenge, Matt teamed with “The Nature Boy” Simeon and took some girls for a ride on Space Mountain. However, “The Wolverine” Greg turned on his partner Rian and eliminated him from competition. Who will survive the Thunderdome Death Match to make the finals? Let’s find out.

We start with the usual waiting to see who comes out from behind the curtain from the elimination room. The first show that figures out a way to avoid this cliché will gain a lot of points in my book. For this week’s competition we decide to redo last year’s final competition in which the guys have to teach their pick-up skills to one of the unwashed masses. In this case, one of their friends from the comic book shop back home. I’m sorry but if we are going to redo challenges couldn’t we at least do the one about picking up strippers again? Do you know how much material I have on that subject? Wait, that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to.

Looking at the friends Greg has a guy from Utah who well, looks like someone who might possibly show up on your doorstep and wish to have a friendly conversation with you. Simeon has his fraternity buddy who just looks like a guy who has worn shorts every day for the past seven years regardless of situation or temperature. And Matt’s friend is pretty much Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. They all get remade with new outfits and hairstyles, which was interesting when I used to watch it on Queer Eye but now seems rather boring. Simeon gets his buddy to get his lip pierced. You know, I’ve picked up a friend’s girlfriend at the airport but even I would draw the line at piercings just so my buddy could get to hang out with Mystery all day.

(The Flaming Lips just got used as some of the background music. Sigh. I’m sorry Wayne, I’m sure you didn’t mean it to end up this way.)

We get numerous scenes of the guys training each other. Simeon gets rather close with his partner; I’m not sure if that is quite the best way to teach a kiss close. Matt’s friend doesn’t really seem to be into it. At some point you would have to get self-conscious. Anyway, the challenge is obvious. We send the newbies into the club. Whoever does the best wins. Whoever gets maced loses. Much like life in that respect.

Greg’s friend does a quick lap of the bar, talks to no one, and does not smile. Greg goes in to save him and gives him the advice “be confident”. Matador calls him out on it by saying, “I hate it when people say that. What the hell does it mean? It’s not an instruction.” Thank you Matador! I’ve been trying to tell every person who has given me that advice for the past decade the exact same thing. Seriously, I’m just going to hire Matador to hang out with me from now on.

Matt’s friend and Thing stunt double is next into the club. He should be able to attract women by gravity alone. He looks none to happy to even be in the club as he looks like, well, like most of the guys who hang out at the bars I go to. The type of guy whose hand is never more than six inches from his beer at a time. Matt gives him some advice and makes him smile and this results in a set opening that actually goes some distance before it derails. Still, not bad for a guy who doesn’t want to be there.

Simeon’s high impact teaching technique seems to pay dividends. His buddy immediately goes into a set even though it fails. Simeon then gives him step by step instructions, including I believe bringing a whiteboard into the club to diagram precisely what he is doing wrong. This leads his buddy into another set where he ignores the massive bald guy who looks like he is about to pummel him and somehow gets a number. Not a bad job at all and Simeon wins and makes the final two.

Greg and Matt have the usual kvetching over who will be eliminated. In a nutshell, Greg did a poor job at teaching his student while Matt did a poor job of inspiring his. My choice is for Matt to continue on. Partly because I don’t want him to be punished for having less to work with but mainly because Greg has disappointed me in his complete lack of progress. The guy shouldn’t even need the show and if he is trying to be an actor he doesn’t deserve to be in even the same room as Matador. And Mystery agrees with me so it is Matt and Simeon in the finals.

Next week: The Final Showdown. Pickup Thunderdome. Two men, a goat, and a jar of mayonnaise enter. Only one man (and possibly the goat) leaves. Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion.

We are...oh why bother

Fandom is a rather strange thing. It is not something you can casually acquire. Several people have asked if I was really into the Phillies World Series run given how I now live here. I mean, this was the first time in my life that I actually lived within an hour of a city that won a World Series. You would think that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to spend my evenings in bars and celebrate with absolute strangers. But I didn’t because all I would be doing is going “Go team from my vague geographic location!” It’s one thing to cheer a team because you follow and believe in them. It is another to cheer for a team because you drive to their city to catch a flight out of town.

As a result, something like the Eagles loss today doesn’t bother me at all. In fact I can laugh at the entire comical nature of it. Donovan McNabb being benched for either poor play or the fact that he was wearing either hand warmers or those huge Hulk fists on the sidelines. A guy named Kevin Kolb being brought on to quarterback an NFL team. The Eagles giving up a 108 yard interception return in which the entire team, and several guys on the bench, missed opportunities to make a tackle. I can watch all this with a sense of bemusement much in the same way I look at the Chiefs and wonder what it must be like in Kansas City now that they have no professional sports.

But Notre Dame football is a different matter. Now I did not grow up a Notre Dame fan. In fact, I was pretty anti-Notre Dame as a kid. I know that that is a little shocking to most people, especially given that I’m an Irish Catholic kid from the South Side of Chicago, but it is true. My mom went to DePaul and I grew up watching and cheering for DePaul basketball and that meant booing Notre Dame. Then as I got older I couldn’t get myself behind a school that always seemed to arrogantly pride itself on being better than everyone else. So I became a fan of Duke indicating that I did not truly understand the concept of irony until I was well into my twenties.

But I did have a change of heart when I went to ND for business school and after two years there I truly became a fan. My fall is scheduled around Notre Dame games. I’ll sit on my couch and watch and cheer and I’ll make my way to a game or two every season. I even went to a road game this year as the Navy game was a short drive from me. It is what a fan is supposed to do. You support your team at all times.

But man, did yesterday’s game disappoint me in ways I never thought I could experience (and this is coming from someone who has been dumped in more cruel and diabolical ways than anyone else known to man.) We were up against Syracuse, which just has a horrible team. They were ranked in the 100ths in both offense and defense with a coach that had been fired and is now simply serving out his contract. Meanwhile, Notre Dame was looking for their seventh win and an opportunity to go to a bowl game that pays more than what the team deserves to receive.

So what happens? They play horribly. When turnovers give them the ball on the opponents twenty they have to settle for field goals. Their lone touchdown of the first half should have been called back for pass interference. They build a lead in the third quarter so I decide to watch the remainder of the game while on the treadmill. Thus I got to watch the team squander possession after possession until Syracuse wins it in the final minute. I’m happy that I was putting in three miles because that at least made the afternoon somewhat worthwhile. At least I accomplished something, which is more than the team did.

I’ll still support the team and cheer and do all the things that fans do. We are fans, all we know how to do is follow our team. But that was just a sad, lifeless showing by the team. It is not in the least the way Notre Dame is supposed to play or represent themselves. I’m really hoping that things can turn around but this is the first time in a while that I wanted to turn the television off in disgust.

Best of 120 Minutes: It is the holiday season and no better way to start off the week of Thanksgiving than a video by The Cranberries. Yes, I’m forced to continue with musical puns. I’m not sure if this band lived up to their potential or not other than at one point in time I think every guy on the planet had a crush on Dolores O’Rioreden. Watching this video again reminds me why.

The Cranberries MTV Music

All aboard the pop culture express

As I wait in line with a large number of teenage girls prior to the midnight showing of Twilight (uh, that statement reads a lot worse now that I have written it) I thought that I would address some of the questions that have been posed to me in the comments over the past week as well as just some other random bits that have been unable to find their home in any of the other posts.

I have watched the Star Trek trailer and I’ll say that I am cautiously optimistic about it. It automatically wins a place in my heart by having Kirk mention his middle name of Tiberius in the first twenty seconds of the trailer. That and having Simon Pegg as young Scotty will be so totally awesome that the word awesome will need to be redefined. Spock seems to be well cast but I am not sold on Kirk yet. On first glance it seems to be Kirk as whiny Emo boy and I’m not sure if that is right. He should be brash and arrogant to be sure but I worry that they will make him too conflicted. Also, this is an odd numbered Star Trek film so we shouldn’t get our hopes up to begin with.

The film that I am totally stoked for (assuming that the lawsuit gets settled and it can actually be released) is Watchmen. First off, it is based on the graphic novel that is as close to literature as I have ever encountered. The story (about what if costumed heroes existed in the real world without any special powers) is so engrossing and I have dreamed of seeing Rorschach on the big screen. The trailer looks like the comic come to life with even Dr. Manhattan being properly represented. I’m worried that the story will be V for Vendetta’d in that it is ripped of much of its allegorical power in order to become a more palatable two hour film. It will be fascinating to watch.

The other film that I am really curious about is The Road. Based on what I consider to be one of the best written books of the past decade (Cormac McCarthy’s writing style in creating an apolocalyptic world is mesmerizing) it is quite possibly the most unfilmable book ever. Not in terms of plot or setting. In that sense it is a very simple adaptation. It is just that the book is the most depressing thing I have ever read. There is beauty and honor in its darkness but it is just continual suffering. I just don’t know how you turn that into something that people can sit in a theater for two hours and withstand.

Apologies for no new How I Met Your Mother reviews as I am now two weeks behind on my watching (similar with Big Bang Theory). I’m hoping to get some time this weekend to just veg out in front of the tv and empty the DVR. Basically I have been completely swamped at work and a stretch of twelve hour days has caused me to greatly reduce my television viewing. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? I spend all this time working so I can afford the large television set but I never get to enjoy it.

I have watched the new season of Top Chef, though. It is in New York this year so we can expect a season that thinks it is superior to all of the other seasons just because of where it is even though the Chicago season is in reality better in every way. I’ve already lost my favorite contestant, or at least the contestant that I would most like to date, as Jill was eliminated this week after deciding “Let’s see if I can cook an ostrich egg” and failing miserably. It is a general rule that for every reality show I find one contestant who I follow just because I think she is pretty and cool. For Project Runway this was the eventual winner Leanne. Sadly, Jill, whose main culinary skills were being tall and having a wry smile, did not last as long. Now I’ll just have to watch annoying Europeans explain why they are better than Americans week after week.

(But yes, even if you gave me 45 minutes for a hot dog challenge all I would do is make a Chicago dog. Why change from the best?)

Musical Questions That Require Answers

Dear MacArthur Foundation,

I would like to request a Genius Grant in order to pursue additional research into the following musical questions. With adequate funding I truly believe that I would be able to conclusively solve the following conundrums of our time.

· Would Jenny really go through the hassle of calling up the phone company, filling out the proper forms, waiting for the service technician and notifying all of her friends and family of her new number just so someone would not be able to make her his? Especially in the days before email and cellular technology. Also, even if she did change her number wouldn’t you just be able to mail her a letter instead? Her number is obviously listed so you should be able to access her address as well.

· Why are we constantly waiting on Eileen? No one really likes her and she is such a pain in the ass when it comes to showing up on time. Maybe we should just not invite her next time.

· In fact Eileen, if you would have shown up when you were supposed to we would be more than halfway there already. Now I have to take you by the hand and promise on my immortal soul that we will make it there. Why must I put my spiritual existence on the line just because you needed to make sure your hair was perfect?

· With proper safety equipment would I be able to touch this? Perhaps robots could be constructed in order to satisfy the tactile requirements or will mere physical pressure cause the inherent instability of this to cause a catastrophic failure?

· If everyone on the planet simultaneously jumped around would the resulting impact on the earth’s surface result in a shifting of the planet’s orbit thus possibly negating our ability to get down?

· Can we twist again like we did last summer if in fact we did not twist in the previous year? Hypothetically speaking, if one had just spent twelve months in a full body cast would they then be required to stand perfectly still? Also, does this create the possibility of an infinite loop in which every summer must be spent in a twisting fashion?

· From a philosophical, ethical and theological standpoint is it more important to have one’s mind on their money or their money on their mind? In addition, what is the proper beverage to imbibe in while contemplating this dilemma?

· What is the financial and ecological impact of letting the dogs out? How many additional city and state employees will be required to sufficiently limit the societal impact of the roving packs that will most certainly result from such an event?

· Can one construct a standard metric of sexiness in order to determine the precise moment at which one’s sexiness would result in the need of having haberdashers taking extra precautions in designing one’s accessories?

· At what pace must one walk 500 miles (with the measurable probability of walking an additional 500 miles) to reach the destination of one’s beloved prior to her a) moving on with her life and dating a guy she met at the gym or b) having one’s appearance on her doorstep greeted with “Why didn’t you just rent a car, moron!”?

· Given that the question of what is love is beyond the scope of my study, would it still be possible to ensure that one would love another being to an unspecified endpoint? Must both the timeframe and the emotion in question be defined prior to the declaration in order to make it binding in a court of law?

· Finally, can we conclusively determine whether Jeremy inflicts an act of premeditated terror upon his classmates or is it an act of self-destruction aimed at raising a mirror to a vain, petty, painful and utterly pointless teenage existence?

I thank you in advance for your financial assistance.

EC
Named by the Society of Music Theory in 2007 as “The Man Who Put the Bop in the Bop Shoo Bop Shoo Bop”

Wednesday Night Music Club: Since moving out to the East Coast there has been much that has made me miss Kansas. Well, some people of course but nothing cultural. That is until this weekend when The Get Up Kids played a reunion concert three blocks from my old apartment. I am so unbelievably bummed that I was not able to be there. Their farewell concert is still one of my favorite shows ever and it is great to see that they have decided to get together for a few shows. Here is an early video from back when they really were just a bunch of kids from Olathe.

It will always be 1989

I have two comments on my picture of the Rock and Roll Express last night. The first is that between this picture and what I learned by reading Bret “The Hitman” Hart’s autobiography it is clear that pretty much every person I watched wrestle in the 80’s was on cocaine. Second is that while that picture shows two of the dorkiest guys you could ever imagine they were easily the most popular people in wrestling at the time. Women went nuts for them. If they wrestled today they would be laughed out of the building but back in the 80’s they were the biggest thing going.

(Yes, I read my yearly pro wrestling autobiography. Bret Hart detailed his career over more than 500 pages. Yes, someone could write that many words about a sport in which everything is pre-determined. However, if you ever want to know what really goes on backstage as well as read up on one of the most dysfunctional families ever it is a great book. At times tragic and other times funny, a very memorable read.)

In celebrity news this week, Michael Jackson claimed that he was too sick to travel to a court date. He declined to define the term “sick” though. Was he physically ill, suffering from a malady, or is just so batshit insane that he cannot physically climb into a metal box to be transported to the courthouse? I’m not sure if anyone in pop culture history has imploded in such a fascinating way as Michael Jackson. We give Brittney a lot of crap for shaving off her hair but that is nothing compared to Michael. Her hair grew back. He looks absolutely nothing like he did twenty years ago and is so meaningless from a pop culture perspective that he has become his own parody. Weird Al looks at him and goes “Why bother?”

On that same wavelength we do have the release of the new Guns N Roses album. Yes, Chinese Democracy is finally going to be upon us after a good decade of waiting. I still remember in college having a discussion as to whose career would you rather manage: Michael Jackson’s or Guns N Roses’. At the time they were both the biggest acts on the planet. In the end you would want neither of them. Pearl Jam would have been a decent alternative (they always made a good living touring, though not massively successful).

Now I was never really a metal guy but I am wondering who this new GNR album is for. Just from a marketing perspective it seems like an odd sell. Is it for people in their 30s and 40s who listened to the band in high school and college? Don’t you outgrow that music? I can’t see a teenager wanting it. “Yeah, let’s get that disc from that strange old man yelling into the microphone.” Remember, most people now know Bret Michaels from Rock of Love than from Poison. I’m certain people will buy it out of curiosity but I don’t think anyone really wants to listen to it. They might want to hear it; but not really listen to it.

I’ll end with one last pop culture tidbit and a joke that I am borrowing from another website. So PETA assaulted My Beloved Lindsay outside of a club over the weekend. Apparently, they are upset over her wearing fur. In defense of My Beloved, if God didn’t want us to wear fur he wouldn’t have made animals so warm and defenseless. Anyway, the protest involved throwing a white powder on Lindsay as she entered the club. Her reaction?

“Cool! They cover you with blow as you walk in! This club rocks!”

Sigh. One day she’ll realize that I am the only man for her. I’ve got to be moving up the depth chart.

No woman can withstand the magic of the double dropkick

(Since it was asked I’ll have to say that I got even more drenched on Saturday than I did at the West Virginia game but the bigger thing was that it was a different kind of soaking. The West Virginia game was just a long, slow, agonizing drenching that sucked the life out of you but never made you think about leaving the game. This was like having a bucket of water dumped over your head and then being dropped in a wind tunnel. It was honestly the first time I had ever feared for my safety at a sporting event. After all my time in Kansas when the wind picks up that quickly you start looking for the storm cellar. Anyway, on to more pressing matters.)

Time once again to learn the secrets of the Matador. And of Mystery. And of…Tara? Seriously, couldn’t we have given her a cool name like Vixen or something? Also, I wish to have a special episode focusing on how the economic downturn impacts my pick up habits. Should I be more inclined to buy drinks for women as it shows my financial strength? Should I leave a date early by casually mentioning that I need to be at work in the morning? These are vital questions to me.

Episode 6: Those sure look like some ripe melons.

When last we left the five lions of Voltron they were learning how to attract the hired guns. Black Lion Simeon set up a date with a bikini model for a pedicure, Blue Lion Rian questioned his desire to continue on the quest and Yellow Lion Brian was ejected from the team because the Yellow Lion is totally lame. Seriously, who wants to pilot a Yellow Lion? How will are four contestants perform this week. Will any of them be able to wield their magic sword? Only time will tell.

As always we start at the elimination ceremony. Less tears this time around as people start thinking about strategy. The fact that this is a game show about picking up women makes it a very strange dynamic. It’s not like Top Chef where there is a marketable skill being contested. Also, one of them makes a Fantastic Four reference thus resulting in them spending the rest of the night discussing who gets to be Invisible Girl (I’m sorry, I mean Invisible Woman.)

We get what is my favorite challenge of the season: the picking up woman in the supermarket. Sadly, Mystery’s advice as to how to do this is unnecessarily vague. “Don’t get too close”, “tone down your game”, “avoid using negs”. That doesn’t help me. I want pick up lines that reference Tang. I want strategies involving airborne grape assaults. More than anything I want to see if this can possibly work without a restraining order being filed because if so it will make my next trip to Trader Joe’s a lot more interesting.

Matt, other than one decent line, essentially just goes shopping. If you filmed me during my usual trip to the grocery store that is what you would have seen. Rian, who is the person in the show most like me, is a lot more comfortable in a grocery store than a club. I can relate to that; I’m not someone who works well when he has to be on. He just coolly and calmly starts talking to a few women, turns an application of moisturizer into an excuse to play with a girl’s hands, and ends up getting some numbers out of the deal. Damn impressive. I’d be thrilled if I could do that on a regular basis.

Simeon decides to talk to the vegetables as opposed to the woman he is trying to pick up and as a result doesn’t even stop talking as she walks away. He then goes up to another girl, forces a number out of her, and hugs her and kisses her in a scene that creeps even me out. Greg does little more than chit chat and ends up looking like how I assume that I often look: hovering near an attractive woman, quivering with anticipation but never actually moving from the spot that my feet seem to be welded to. Rian wins and it isn’t even a question.

Lesson time as we work on the importance of being a wingman. Goose! Sorry, force of habit. This is Matador’s strong suit as he explains how to quickly build up your wingman in a conversation while also removing any obstacles standing in his way. Note the use of phrase there. They do not flat out explain how to screen off her friends (including the bitter girl who doesn’t want to be there in the first place) in order for your buddy to make out with the hot one but that is pretty much the entire point. For winning the first challenge, Rian gets to choose his wingman and chooses Greg as his wing. That leaves Simeon and Matt as our other team. Two teams enter. One team leaves. The other is probably maced. Especially since the stated goal tonight is a makeout session.

Rian takes the lead and opens for his team. I’m trying to think of the proper metaphor here. Ok, Rian is playing the Robert Gibson role in the fabled tag team of the Rock and Roll Express in answering the opening bell before tagging out to his partner Greg who is emulating Ricky Morton. Given that Ricky Morton always got his ass kicked for twenty minutes in every match maybe that isn’t such a great strategy.

But like the four time World Champion Rock and Roll Express they work like a charm. Rian gets the girls to the booth. Greg isolates and after some small talk and a rather slick move starts a makeout session. Rian works with two girls, getting himself placed between them and momentarily living out one of my favorite moments as the possibility of punches being thrown becomes palatable. Rian is so close to making out with two women at once that it scares him to death and he can’t close. Yeah, I’m embarrassed for him.

Matt and Simeon work the crazy guy, straight man routine and it works really well. They actually hit the ball out of the park with both getting some decent makeout sessions. Bonus points to Simeon who when he saw Matt lagging behind made sure to build him up to make sure that everything went according to plan. Matt and Simeon win due to their teamwork and both are immune from elimination. That leaves Greg and Rian on the chopping block.

Simeon and Matt describe the night as a life changing event. I’m not sure if that is really depressing or not. I guess we all have good nights at the bar that change the way we view the world. The elimination comes down to Greg dumping his wingman to makeout with his girl and Rian not taking the risk and making out with his. Which is the bigger sin? Apparently not making out with the chick as Rian is eliminated. May that be a life lesson for us all.

Next week: Buddies from home and the battle to the final two. More fun abounds.

The water provided Navy with a natural advantage

It was an interesting weekend on my end. Maybe not in terms of long lasting meaningful events but in terms of just some strange occurrences and minor grievances.

I went to the Notre Dame – Navy game in Baltimore on Saturday. To those who might be reading this who were at the game, sorry I didn’t make an attempt to meet up with you but this was a real last minute decision on my part. I did not get my ticket and parking pass until Friday night. Now while I had never driven to Baltimore I looked up the drive and ended up timing the trip so that I would get there an hour and a half before kickoff. Plenty of time to walk around the tailgates and see if I could find anyone I know.

Or so was the plan. Apparently the fine people of Baltimore have no idea as to how to design a road system that allows people to actually get to the stadium. Seriously, I just made it in before kickoff due to how horrible the traffic was on all of the ramps with absolutely no signs or indications as to how to speed up the trip. Now on some levels it was cool. I did get to see the midshipmen march into the stadium from the comfort of my car on an off-ramp. That is a very inspiring sight. However, when those same midshipmen are marching down the road you need to cross you suddenly begin to wish that we had downsized our military.

But I did get in and after taking the stairs to the upper most level of the stadium (which I considered my workout for the game) I sat down with a beer in my hand for the game. Yes, I finally got to watch Jimmy Claussen quarterback while drinking without the fear of being ejected from the stadium. Trust me, it is the only way that makes his play even remotely tolerable. While ND-Navy is a historic rivalry it is probably the most congenial rivalry in all of football. I just sat there joking with the Navy fans behind me. There is no ill will between the two schools. We just play each other every year.

The weather was really nice for three and a half quarters. Sun was out, wasn’t too cold, and after a horrible first half Notre Dame finally decided to play some offense and take a 27-7 lead. Then we started feeling a few drops of rain. I put up the hood on my sweatshirt thinking that this would protect me enough from the rain to last the rest of the game. Sadly, I did not account for the monsoon that hit at that point. At the ripe old age of 35, being in the exposed upper deck of a football stadium while blinding rain and 30 mile an hour wind gusts are going on is not exactly what I am up for on my day off. So once I reached the point where every single part of me was completely drenched I fled for safety and concluding that the game was well within reach I made my way to my car.

Got to my car with two minutes to go and after an incredibly smooth exit (seriously, Baltimore is bizarro stadium, can’t get in but easy to leave) I got to listen on the radio as Navy scores twice, converts two onside kicks and almost pulls out a victory. While I’m bummed I missed all the excitement I am happy that I left. Being wet, miserable and watching Notre Dame lose to Navy for two years in a row is not something I wanted to be a part of.

Oh, and how wet did I get? My shoes still haven’t dried. I just did laundry and I think my sweatshirt was less wet after being in the washing machine. Don’t think I’ve ever gotten that fully soaked.

I made it home in one piece but spent the entire night trying to warm up. Never quite could so I called it an early night and didn’t hit the bars as I initially planned. I really haven’t been going out much since I moved out here to the point that it is becoming a bit of an issue. I know that I’ve only been here two and a half months (and I’ve been out of town for a bit of that) but I’ve realized that I have not had a single conversation with someone that I do not work with since I’ve been here. Sure, I’ve talked to people but I haven’t had an honest to goodness conversation. It’s just been words exchanged out of politeness. That makes for a trying existence.

I have an electronic social life now. Chats online with jokes passed along Facebook posts. The occasional voice across a cell phone, just digital signals recombined into something resembling a human voice but without any of the soul. It is not the life I want to lead but for the moment it will have to do.

Best of 120 Minutes: It’s been gray and dreary all weekend. I’m still in a dark mood. That can mean only one thing: Joy Division. If I knew what Goths were in high school I would have been one.

Joy Division MTV Music

The Five Random CDs for the week: As the notes of Death Cab for Cutie’s “Narrow Stairs” faded from my stereo it marked the completion of the nearly three year project to listen to every CD that I own in random order. Quite the accomplishment and I enjoyed every moment of it even if there are some of the 700+ CDs that I really wish I hadn’t purchased. I could live without having to listen to Paula Cole again. But now that the project is over I would like to pose a question to my readers: Should I restart it? I need to listen to something while driving: music, NPR, books on tape. What should I do next? Suggestions are welcome in the comments.

For whom is the funhouse fun

“You’re just too sarcastic for me.”

I’ve had this feeling expressed to me recently and I’ve been trying to develop a response ever since. Given that sarcasm is my primary emotion it is tough to come to grips with the fact that I might be going overboard. This is especially true when there are other people who have told me that they like having me around because they can always count on my having a caustic comment on whatever situation we seem to find ourselves in. But the real question is why I am so sarcastic and cynical and what does it say about me.

The simple answer is that sarcasm is my defense mechanism against a world that I consider cruel and harsh and rather pointless. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I truly believe that one can view life as either a tragedy or a farce and I for one choose farce. If I spent every moment caring about the state of the world I would not be able to get out of bed in the morning. Life is tough, no matter who you are or how blessed you happen to be. We suffer, we hurt, the people you love leave you, dreams slip through your fingers and this pattern continues until one day you are no longer here and there is no guarantee that there is anyplace else to go to. The world can be dark as hell if you look at it honestly.

So I don’t. I view everything as a joke because I think the world is rather silly. We all try really hard at a world that was never meant as having any order. Put it this way, I view life as trying to climb up a very icy incline. Every once in a while you will slip and fall to the bottom. If you filmed that you would probably get a full season on ABC from it. Hell, people still watch America’s Funniest Home Videos. Maybe it shows a degree of cruelness and schadenfreude on my part but I think it is pretty clear that I am more than willing to point out my own foibles and laugh at them. If I didn’t this blog would be incredibly boring.

I’m a cynic with a sarcastic wit. I feel that it is my duty to point out when the Emperor has no clothes. Given how logical I am I don’t know how to live without pointing out when life has gone beyond all rational measures. But the fact that I’m a cynical bastard does not mean that I am uncaring or inconsiderate. In fact, I would like to think that the opposite is true.

My one goal in life is to have everyone I meet have a better life because they met me. Maybe I helped them out of a jam, maybe I provided friendship, or maybe I just made them laugh. That is all I want to accomplish in life. If I do this one thing I will be smiling when I draw my last breath because I will know that I have done my job.

So while I laugh at the world I do everything I can to make it a better place. I don’t argue, I’ve never thrown a punch, and I go out of my way to make things easier for others. I do my best to try to make my time on this planet as enjoyable for everyone as possible. We do not live in a world of rainbows and unicorns and I find it silly to act as we do. But that doesn’t mean that I do not strive to make such moments occur.

Because as cynical as I may be I still yearn for those moments when the shadows of the world disappear and all you are left with is the brilliance of this amazing place we find ourselves in. Those brief glimpses of infinity where the big picture momentarily becomes clear and life becomes what you dream it to be. You strive for those, you try to hold on to them until the very last moment, because they are what makes being alive so worth it. Being a cynic doesn’t mean that you do not see the beauty in life. It means that you are upset that people continue to get in the way of it.

So yes I am sarcastic. Am I too sarcastic? Who knows. At the end of the day I am just me. That is all I can present to anyone. I provide no airs, no masks that I hide behind, no false pasts about who I am. It might not always be the wisest tact but I remain true to myself and that is all that I care about.

Wednesday Night Music Club (ok, a day late): As you can tell I am in a bit of a dark mood today. Haven’t had one of these for a few months. I’m going to blame the weather. It is gray and dreary and rainy and when that happens I go into the dark corners of my personality. Thought I’d share some of the music that I tend to listen to when this happens. Nothing like listening to the Cowboy Junkies in a darkened room to make you wonder about what life really means.

Cowboy Junkies MTV Music

Or, tell her she'd make a great plus size model

It’s time once again for our weekly life lessons by Mystery. Think of Mystery as a Mr. Rogers for the 21st century. Instead of putting on a sweater and telling you how to treat people fairly he puts on a feathered boa and teaches you how to lie to women. Sigh. You know what the sad thing is? Every time I try what Mystery recommends it works extremely well.

Episode 5: Wow, I bet if you were just a little prettier you could be in Sports Illustrated

When last we saw our team of Transformers they were introduced to the certified sexologist. Escort, sexologist, tomato, tomatoe, let’s call the whole thing off. Rian acted like Starscream and ruled the club. Todd acted like Bumblebee and was eliminated. And let’s face it, who the hell ever wanted to be Bumblebee. Worst toy ever.

Since we are down to the Final Five let’s recap our remaining contestants

Rian: Amazed that he has made it this far as he is an uber nerd (several degrees beyond me even). Unable to properly spell is own name.
Simeon: Acts as if he downs about a dozen pixie sticks before entering a club. Not a strong challenger.
Matt: Nice guy who has shown zero game so far. Another person who you thought would be eliminated by now.
Greg: Early favorite in that he is the best looking of the bunch and does show a decent amount of game. For some reason always wants to talk about the weather.
Brian: Half man, half afro, all manfro. Gets a great deal of attention as he is so super goofy and filled with positive energy. Whether he can turn that into something more substantial is still to be seen.

We start with the tearful end to the elimination ceremony. Simeon describes it as being the “third quarter”. This is where I would discuss my dating strategy in terms of a spread offense using a lot of quick hits with the occasional desperation deep throw where in all honesty my best hope is for a pass interference call. But that is just me.

We then go on a road trip to a resort. Greg apparently likes salsa, which makes me really wonder how he doesn’t have a girlfriend. If he just liked salsa I could understand it but dancing assumes that you have a partner. For the reward challenge the guys are at a celebrity auction where they will try to show off their higher social value. Winner gets Tara. In the field. Damn, that would have won the game right there.

So the guys go off to work on their stories. More accurately, completely fabricating stories. Again, I really don’t recommend lying as a pick up technique but that is mainly because I simply cannot lie. Ever. That fact might come in handy if you know me. Brian goes first and does his usual giddy energy. Matt talks about Italy and acts as though he is giving a lecture. Rian talks about his work in the theater and gets no love from the crowd. He has to beg for bids at a charity auction. Simeon discusses a trip to India. Guess that might get some interest. Greg from Salt Lake City does precisely what I would recommend: tell the damn truth about your best self. He talks about doing his two year service mission and gets some women to swoon. See, that is what you need to do. Don’t make up something that you can’t back up. Put yourself in the best light but make it real. Still Matt wins because people like discussions about wine. So there you go.

The lesson this week is how to pick up the hired guns: the bartenders, strippers and bikini models of the world. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, picking up a stripper is not that challenging. I’d explain but it takes a great deal of alcohol. Which is what you need to pick up a bartender as well, go from a customer to a friend and then make a play. Anyway, they learned the importance of insulting the girl who is paid to stand there and be pretty and then get ready for their field test: a real life bikini fashion show. Because I know I run into those on a weekly basis at the clubs.

Before that we get Rian freaking out about not having an opener and turning it into a nervous breakdown. You had to know at some point one of the guys would go “Oh my God, what the hell am I doing here?” Also, whereas before every other challenge Mystery talks to the guys in what appears to be the parking lot of the club for this one the setting is the dingy storage room of a hotel. There is a freaking caged off room filled with boxes. How are you supposed to get your swerve on when you are starting in that environment?

We start off with Greg who tried the patented EC hovering maneuver and fails miserably. No, no you have to have a sense of panache as you stand patiently just over the girl’s shoulder as you hope that your Jedi mind tricks will cause her to fall madly in love with you. Greg then tries an interview tact and fails again.

Brian is absolutely fearless as he walks right up to a table of models and starts talking. Give him props, that takes serious balls. However, he can’t keep up his momentum and he ends up following a girl through the club trying to finish his story about pickle juice. Rian, styling the white pimp hat, actually legitimately got a girl’s interest which really does amaze me. For not having some of the natural gifts of the other guys he sure does put in a good showing. Still can’t close worth a damn.

Matt enters along with wingwoman Tara. One of those strange facts of life: to meet women you need to have a woman with you. Matt freezes up and needs to basically be pushed into talking to them. When he does he makes good progress, Tara provides evidence that “yes, attractive women are drawn to me” but he cannot pull the trigger. For crying out loud, I do a better job at getting digits than these guys and my proudest possession is a collection of every Beavis and Butthead episode ever made (with videos).

Hyper Rooster Simeon is finally in his element where being eccentric is a plus. As in discussing manicures and where to best get a pedicure. He actually gets a girl’s number with the promise of getting a pedicure with her next week. Not a bad gambit. I’d use it but you really wouldn’t want to see my feet. Also, this is the same girl that Rian and Matt talked to so he might have had the advantage of her just wearing out. Simeon wins the contest hands down and gets immunity.

Elimination time. We’re down to Brian and Rian. Brian is called out for being too much of a clown. Rian doesn’t show the desire to actually get the girl. In the end Brian ends up having to go home. As I’ve been saying for weeks, he is a guy you want with you in a bar because he draws attention but his type just doesn’t get the girl. And wow, does he breakdown after the show. Still, ten bucks say he has his own show on VH1 after this.

Next week: Grocery shopping! Finally a real life situation. And maybe someone will use my ultimate pick up line “Hey, do you know where a guy can get some Tang around here?” Can’t wait.

Cohesion is not my strong suit tonight

Lots of notes I need to pass along tonight so I will organize them in a numbered list for ease of reading. Battling the Current: where blogs and status reports meet.

1) For those wondering why there was a rather incongruous picture of Snoopy on the top of the post last night that picture is the cover art for Battling the Current Volume 4. Yes, not only will you receive a free CD but that CD actually comes with liner notes and full color graphics. I spare no expense in fulfilling my readers every need. The artist is Tom Everhart and he is the only person who is allowed to use the Peanuts characters in artwork. I think he is a genius and you can usually get a calendar of his work at Borders. The fact that I have a slight investment in his career and have been invited to his gallery openings has no bearing on my previous statement.

2) I can’t believe that I forgot to list this amongst my stats last night. It was pretty much the entire purpose for that section of the post. My blog has outlasted the following shows which all premiered in Fall 2004: Father of the Pride, Joey, Veronica Mars, LAX and a lot of really bad, one season reality shows. Ok, that wasn’t as impressive as I thought it would be. But I did do better than Joey. That has to count for something.

3) While walking around Philadelphia on Sunday I did go past Ben Franklin’s grave. I was going to take a picture of it but remembered not to due to my belief that it is really bad karma to take a picture of a grave. (Some strange occurrences in New Orleans led me to that belief and I will not waver from it.) There are some interesting facts about his grave. First is the fact that it is right next to the sidewalk so you don’t even have to enter the cemetery to see it. Apparently he was buried with the tourist trade in mind. Also, it is apparently tradition to toss pennies on his grave. I assume that this is based on “a penny saved is a penny earned” though exactly why he would condone wasting pennies is another issue. Also, wouldn’t it be more fitting to toss hundred dollar bills on his grave as they have his picture on it? Or would that be too much of a waste of money?

4) I also walked past the Fresno State women’s equestrian team as they toured all the historic sites. They had official team apparel and everything. This brings up a host of interesting questions. Such as, “Equestrian is a college sport?” and “How the hell does Fresno State have a team” and “Wouldn’t you think that competitors in Equestrian events be slightly better dressed.” I assume anyone who competes in an event like Dressage can buy and sell me twelve times before breakfast and they did not have that look about them at all.

5) I do like my picture of the Liberty Bell and it was a great thing to see. There is a lot of symbolism tied to it if not actual historic importance. It is one of those items that has meaning because we all agree that it has meaning as opposed to anything that happened involving it. When you are in Washington and you look at the Declaration of Independence you can understand the importance of what you are looking at because this is the piece of paper that signified the start of a new nation. The Liberty Bell is a poorly designed instrument that no one has bothered to fix. Just not the same.

6) Quick blog update # 1: I’ve been posting the 80’s weekend rewind on Fridays and I’m going to continue with a weekend post but I’m going to freshen it up a bit. I’ll still post videos occasionally but I want to use the space for some other ideas of mine. I have some Gen X humor pieces that I am working on (more television show analysis, a list of Gen X crushes) that I think would fit in well there. I also have a host of relationship stories and other longer pieces on human interaction that I want to try to write up and use that space to explore. So consider the weekend post to be a bit of a work in progress. You’ll never know what you are going to get.

7) So I went back to playing trivia tonight and I was high score for one of the rounds as a team of one, once again winning free drinks for the night. So that makes three games in Delaware and twice I’ve covered my bar tab. Not a bad little run if I say so myself. Best category by far was movie coaches. I name the movie, you name the actor or actress who played the coach. I was so proud for remembering who was the coach in The Air Up There. Of course, I was ashamed for forgetting what planet the Coneheads were from. But the good news is that I have a few teams wanting me to join them so at least I am beginning to meet people.

8) Quick blog update # 2: I’ll hopefully have my Pick Up Artist2 recap done for tomorrow night’s post. Sorry for the scheduling delay as I know that we all wait patiently for Mystery’s weekly guidance.

9) One last political / economic note before I call it a night. If the government bails out GM I better get a deal on a new Pontiac out of it. The way I see it, if my tax dollars are paying to help the company that should lead to an automatic discount on every car they make. Only seems fair. Similarly, as I don’t have AIG insurance I believe that I have the right to knee one of their senior executives in the groin at the time of my choosing. Now that would be value for money.

It's my (blog) birthday! I'm a ninja!

Woo hoo! It’s all party hats and streamers and those little noisemaker things that never work here at Battling the Current headquarters because today is a most momentous day. Today marks the fourth anniversary of the launch of Battling the Current and the fulfillment of my original goal for the site. Within the first year I had given myself the goal of continuing this site for four years writing five nights a week every week until completion and I have done it. For those who are wondering, here are some stats about the whole endeavor.

· I’ve made 1,042 posts over the past four years.
· By my estimate that would entail over 600,000 words with a surprising number of those involving Lindsay Lohan.
· If my count is correct I’ve received 629 comments over the past four years and I appreciate them all. Well except…
· I’ve received one slightly veiled physical threat in my comments when I apparently insulted someone’s favorite musician by saying “when his set ended we weren’t clapping because we appreciated his performance. We were clapping because it meant that he was getting off the stage.”
· Thanks to my Google tracking gizmo I installed last month you can see that I truly get traffic from around the world. For the life of me I have no idea how someone from China comes across this site or what they make of it when they do. Even better is that I have received comments from around the world from people I have never met.
· And in what is still the coolest thing that I can ever claim, according to Facebook’s Blog Network application Battling the Current is the number one blog in both the Notre Dame and Sprint networks. That rocks.
· And the true sign that you’ve made it: Google “Battling the Current” and I’m the top link.

Not bad for something that was done as a lark because I had grown tired of emailing my friends with whatever was on my mind and decided to post it for the world to see instead. As I’ve told some people if I didn’t blog I would still write. I’ve been keeping a writer’s journal for ten years now (though the blog has morphed into it for the most part) and I cannot imagine not keeping a record of my thoughts about my life. What the blog does is provide me with a schedule and a guilt trip if I decide to try to skip a day. And I have to admit that having an audience is a nice thing.

Given that I have reached my goal some of you might ask the question, “So what is next?” Well, on my first post I listed my goals as a) write every day, b) have people actually read it, c) have people I don’t know read it, and d) do something significant so that I can truly say that I am a writer. I’ve accomplished all four of those goals and then some. But that doesn’t mean that I’m through. Now my goal is to improve the site, add in more multimedia and work to bring in more readers. Since my side blog that focused solely on relationships is on hiatus I might bring some of that material over here. Oh, and yes I do want to cull through all of the posts and put together a “Best of Battling the Current” book that I’ll self-publish. That is, if I can get my editor to sign on .

For all of you who have stuck with me this far, and for those who have just recently come across the site, I have a special gift for you. Consider this my way of saying thanks for paying attention to the words I put out into the ether every day. To anyone who wants one I will be producing Battling the Current: Volume 4, the latest in my set of CDs that was once described as “the soundtrack to the best Cameron Crowe film never made.” The playlist isn’t entirely set at the moment but I guarantee there will be tracks by Laura Cantrell, the Drive-By Truckers, Josh Rouse, and a special live Swell Season track. If you have ever been interested in the music I discuss but want a sampler before you make the full plunge this is your chance. Plus, just let me know and I’ll send you the first three volumes as well.

All I need from everyone is an address. I’ll take care of the rest. For those of you who are friends with me through Facebook you can message me there. Otherwise you can email me at whatever your favorite email address for me is (or barring that, the fabled kcgatsby dot aol dot com will do for those who don’t know me in the real world). I really do want to thank everyone who reads this. It is incredible to think just how much I look forward to sitting down at the laptop and writing every night knowing that someone out there will read it.

Four years down. Everyone up for another four? Alright, let’s go!

A more perfect union

[Stands on slightly smaller soapbox this time]

“Support your country at all times and your government when it deserves it.” Mark Twain

Through a series of events that I still do not quite comprehend I have found myself living in Delaware, the first state. While it is nice to know that I am in a place that can process paperwork quickly it is nicer to know that I am a short drive from Philadelphia. After all of the events of the past week I felt that it was time for me to go and pay my respects to the place where our country was founded and reflect on how far we have come.

When you think about it we are still an incredibly young nation. We only declared independence a little over 230 years ago. Held against the history of countries such as Greece or England or China we pale in comparison. We are a nation founded by people who left for an unknown land, who built a government based on a dream they weren’t sure was obtainable and then melded it over the centuries as people from around the world immigrated with the hope that this would be the place that they dreamed of. When the words “a more perfect union” were written here that is what they were striving for. Our government may not be flawless but that is what we hope to achieve.

It has been a tough time for those of us who believe in those words. Who go through every day drawing upon “the better angels of our nature.” The government of my country was operating in a way that went against everything that I held dear. I did not believe that I would see the day when we went to war on false pretenses and those that raised their voices in protests were shouted down as being unpatriotic. I could not imagine a government sponsoring torture and imprisonment without charges. I have always felt that the United States should stand for justice and not vengeance. But on the world stage that is precisely what we seemed to represent.

But what struck me most was the sense of darkness and fear that permeated the country. One of the pictures above is from an art exhibit outside the National Constitution Center. In it, they had for each president an eye chart based on the frequency various words appeared in the State of the Union address. What I took was a picture of President Bush’s and it proves my point. Terror, Iraq, Al Qaeda, Homeland, Regimes, Murder these were the words that were most used in addressing the nation. We became a nation of fear. Fear of attack, fear of war, fear of the unknown. We became a nation that stayed home at night, locked behind three deadbolts, nervous at the slightest sound. That wears on a society. While we must be on guard and we must protect ourselves and our interests we cannot become a nation that is scared of its own shadow.

That is the reason why I believe Obama won so convincingly. We no longer wanted to be governed by fear. That is why there was such blowback when Palin brought up William Ayers. We did not want a political campaign filled with personal attacks and fear mongering. We want to have hope for the future. To think that the next four years may be a return to what we have always hoped for the country to be. Obama is an outsider, though a politician nonetheless. It is why he defeated Clinton in the primaries as we did not want to have the presidency rest in the hands of the same two families for over twenty years. We wanted someone with a fresh insight and conviction and, as corny as it sounds, someone to believe in.

And maybe the first positive statement that we can make about his presidency is not that he has become the first African American to be elected president but that throughout the campaign his race did not appear to be a factor. It seemed to be an afterthought as though his candidacy transcended race. His presidency does not mean that racism no longer exists, as it certainly does and will remain our nation’s original sin, but it means that the words “all men are created equal” now take on a truer meaning. That alone speaks volumes.

On Wednesday morning we did not awake to a world of rainbows and unicorns. We awoke to a dreary world with a faltering economy and an overtaxed military. As I sighed with relief on election night that I could now support my country and my government it dawned on me that the election was the easy part. Now is where all the hard work begins. It will not be easy but I have faith in the country again. All because of the following image.

The most amazing sight from election night was that of people dancing in the streets in celebration. I’m still amazed that we can change governments through an election. That everyone, educated and uneducated, gets a single vote to decide who is the best for the future and then that person is placed in charge. No tanks, no presidents for life, just a simple count of hands. But as cynical and blasé as we might become to the process it is still amazing. And instead of just accepting the news, instead of the riots that people feared, all that occurred Tuesday night was celebration. It is a victory of reclaiming our own nation. Now we can only hope that we truly form that more perfect union.

[Packs up soapbox]

Best of 120 Minutes: Going back to very, very early R.E.M. for this one. I still list Murmur as one of my Desert Island Discs mainly because I have yet to figure out what any of the songs actually mean. At least I would have something to study while living on coconuts and the occasional fish.

R.E.M. MTV Music

The five random CDs for the week (and ending the random CD project, to be elaborated on further later this week):
1) Cat Power “The Covers Record”
2) Death Cab for Cutie “Narrow Stairs”
3) Jon Dee Graham “Summerland”
4) Josh Rouse “Best of the Rykodisc Years”
5) Old Crow Medicine Show “EUTAW”

80's Weekend Rewind #9

Styx MTV Music

In honor of Obama’s victory and the fact that my hometown of Chicago has returned to its rightful place in the national spotlight I felt that I should honor the greatest band in the history of the city: Styx. Oh, stop your bitching. Cheap Trick is from Rockford, REO Speedwagon is from Champaign and I’m not going to even talk about a band that featured Peter Cetera. (Yeah, Smashing Pumpkins was cool but Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness cannot compare to Kilroy Was Here).

This is what modern music is missing. What band has the same sense of style as Styx shows in this video? Dennis DeYoung dressed as a vaudeville piano player. James Young wearing what appears to be a white jumpsuit with the largest shoulder pads ever made. The rhythm section runs the gamut of attire from the bass player in a tuxedo to a drummer who is inexplicably in shorts. And above all you have Tommy Shaw dressed as, well, Tommy Shaw. You always got the sense that he never could quite understand what was going on around him.

Just be happy I didn’t choose Come Sail Away as the song…

I could even take the Amtrak to Washington

I’m just going to end the week with a whole bunch of quick bits of things that were meant to be filler in the live blog but didn’t quite make their way there. I’d write this in paragraph form but that would require trying to craft this into a cohesive whole and I have a sinking feeling that I am too ill equipped for such an epic task.

1) I have a new least favorite person in the gym. For my first month of working out I have had exceptional luck with finding an open treadmill. Until this week I had never had an issue. This week though has been absolute crap. Today I was forced to bike 12 miles because someone decided to walk as slow as possible for forty minutes. You know what? If you are wearing a collared shirt it can’t really be considered exercise. It’s not like I’m an athlete or anything but at least I sweat. And I hate having to ride an exercise bike. It is the most boring thing known to man.

2) When you have a decent commute it is the little things that you take pleasure in. Just one little sight that makes things interesting. Such as the sign that reads “Wilmington: A Place to be Somebody”. Which is nice because it leaves open the option of remaining a nobody. So, you can imagine my dismay when my favorite billboard was replaced this week. Every day I would be stopped at a light looking at an advertisement for the University of Delaware’s MBA program. This wouldn’t mean much except that in the dead center of the picture was a rather pretty blonde. Just knowing that I would see her made getting in the car worthwhile. Now it’s been replaced by an advertisement for a cardiac center. So I have gone from seeing something that makes my heart go pitter patter to something that makes me worry about my cholesterol. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.

3) Oh, and to show how out of it I am (and how the time change screwed me up) I actually took a wrong turn on the way home this week. Now, in my defense I was tired, it was raining and this area seems to consider streetlights the work of the devil. However, imagine my joy when after a few minutes I realized that I was on a rural road with absolutely no idea where I was. I really miss I-35. Yes, it was boring and annoying but at least you could see the damn road.

4) Back to the advertising front has anyone else been stunned by the continual advertising of The World at War on DVD? As in the Time Life series on World War II that is now being advertised on network television in prime time? Now I remember these commercials from years ago back when it was on VHS and they were a staple of afternoon cable television. But to see them on prime time is just jarring. First off, I don’t really see there being a great market for people wanting crystal clear copies of World War II footage. But more to the point, is the advertising market so weak that Time Life can afford spots on national television? If there was ever a sign that network television and cable are on the same playing field then this is it.

5) Random note: Will someone who reads this (and knows me well) please email me in the next week or so to remind me to write the story of my perfect day? I’m not sure if it is blog material but it needs to be written and I have a feeling that if I’m not pushed to write it I might forget about it.

6) For those wondering, yes I am on the shortlist to take Joe Biden’s spot as senator from Delaware. However, that is mainly because I am one of only twelve people in this entire state who is actually qualified to serve in the senate. Being senator from Delaware is kind of like being named Miss Wyoming. Sure it is an honor and you get to be on the big stage along with everyone else but let’s face it; it’s not like the competition is very fierce.

7) Next week: Anniversary Celebration!!! And yes, there will be free gifts! For all of you who ever thought “Chris should pay me for having to read this every day” you will finally get your wish. Consider it a way to show off my Sprint marketing expertise: I will pay you to use my service. But it should be a lot of fun. Also everything is on track for a uber cool post on Sunday. I hope it works out the way I envision it.

What hides in plain sight...

A quick politics note to start. Apologies that the live blog didn’t quite have the full wall to wall coverage that I originally expected but I was having more fun on the phone than writing and as we all know: fun rules. Plus, since there wasn’t much drama as the night progressed I have a feeling that I would simply have resorted to insulting various states for several hours just to make things interesting. Though I am upset that I missed the CNN hologram news reporter, a sign that even CNN realized that there was no way they could fill that many hours of television.

I expect to have one last soapbox post and final analysis on Sunday. Part of it is I need a little distance to grasp the importance of the event. I also want to give this topic the attention it deserves. Mainly, I just have a really cool idea which, if it works, will make it one of my favorite posts ever. But overall I am feeling not really jubilant but relieved. I wasn’t dancing in my apartment when victory was announced. It is much more of a feeling that “Alright, that was step one. Now the hard work begins.”

So until we get to that I would like to do a book review.

“Somewhere in everyone’s inner city is a cemetery of old loves.”

That line appears early on in Jonathan Carroll’s new book “The Ghost in Love.” Reading it stopped me in my tracks as for the first time I envisioned all of my past relationships as graves in a cemetery. Some beautifully memorialized and immaculately kept, Others weathered and forgotten. It is an image that stays with you for a very long time.

I’ve been reading Jonathan’s work for years now almost entirely for moments such as this. He is at times one of the most wonderful writers I have ever seen. He crafts phrases and images in ways that make you put the book down so you could fully understand them. This isn’t because they are challenging, that there is some incredibly subtle imagery that requires a master’s degree to understand. It is mainly a result of lines that are so simple and beautiful that you have to take a moment to reflect on their meaning.

He is, for lack of a better term, a cult writer. Meaning that there are people like me who will buy everything that he has ever written and that allows him to continually publish knowing that he has a set fanbase. As a result I really feel like he has stopped trying to write a best seller and is now focused on writing what he likes to write. Within the first two pages of this book you are introduced to a ghost and a talking dog. It’s not your typical book.

The story is another in a line of his work in the realm of magic realism. It centers on the ghost and the dog as well as a couple dealing with the end of a relationship that neither wanted to have end. It also dwells on life and death and what it means to be who we are. There is a philosophical tone to the entire book, sometimes to the detriment of the plot. At one point it feels as if the narrator has stopped talking and the author has and it is rather jarring. Even so, there is one idea that is brought up that I want to examine here.

It is as much a philosophical proposition as anything. Let’s say I gave you the ability to go back to any moment in your life and stay there. Find that one day, that one hour, when you had no concerns in the world. You were in love, your life was at peace, everything was precisely the way you wanted it to be. That will be your life, that perfect moment on repeat. Or, I will let you continue to live your life with a better understanding of who you are and all the different aspects of your personality. Which would you choose? Would you take the perfect moment from your past or the unknown future?

It is such a tough question to answer. A few months back I had what I can only describe as a perfect day. Even now I don’t know what I would sacrifice to have that feeling again that everything is exactly the way I had dreamed it would be. But I also know that it was a fleeting feeling and that I truly feel that my best days are ahead of me. That is the real crux of the question. Have you given up on the dream of ever being as happy as you once were or do you still hope for a better future? I struggle with this a lot as I sit alone in my apartment in the dark wondering just where my life is headed.

This is what Jonathan’s books make you do. You spend days thinking about images and ideas. In the past I actually dreamt that I was a character in his book and lived out the first few chapters (with the other characters being populated by people from my life). I really consider him to be the best writer you have never heard of. Give one of his books a try. Without a doubt they will make you think.

And besides, you can never go wrong with a talking dog.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Been trying to think of a song that fits with this. Not sure why I came down to “So Alive” by Ryan Adams. Maybe it is just because I really like the song. Works for me.

Ryan Adams MTV Music