9:05 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current election headquarters for the third and final debate between John McCain and Barrack Obama. Joining me tonight is Republican spokesman Stuffed Dilbert Doll, Democrat spokesman Snake Eyes Action Figure and Green Party spokesman Ralph Nader.
9:06 P.M.: I’m not kidding, for twenty bucks and a veggie burger I got Ralph Nader to come over to my apartment and watch the debate and try to persuade me to waste my vote. He even brought beer. Not good beer, mind you, and I really don’t need to be told that my hops have not been genetically altered, but beer nonetheless.
9:08 P.M.: As always here is the drill. I will watch the debate and write down my witty remarks as they come to me. Barring that I will just start making fun of people in the crowd. And yes, I’m doing this on a slight tape delay as my workout went a little long but given that I completed a Level 9 hill climb on the treadmill I really don’t care.
9:10 P.M.: The goals for the two candidates tonight. Obama: Don’t screw up. McCain: Fix the economy and make George Bush likable in ninety minutes. Hofstra gets to host the debate. This is the biggest event at Hofstra since…since…that awesome kegger in 1993?
9:14 P.M.: The rules are simple. One fall to a finish. This is thunderdome. Two men enter. One man leaves.
9:16 P.M.: I’d really like to know what McCain is writing down on his yellow legal pad. Schieffer has barely started talking and he is scribbling away. Also, I need to say something about Nancy Reagan and since she was mentioned here is my chance. It is sad that she fractured her pelvis in a fall but did you hear that it took her four days to go to the hospital for it? That is toughness.
9:17 P.M.: Shoot, I just lost a bet. Obama is wearing a red tie. Democrats always wear a blue tie. I thought it was a law or something. McCain is in blue. Apparently we are in bizaro world tonight.
9:21 P.M.: Well I was just lectured on a plumber’s business plan. Apparently the entire U.S. economy is based around a guy named Joe. He’s received more airtime tonight than most senatorial candidates. And to be honest I don’t care about a guy named Joe. Though it is nice that Obama said he is willing to pay more taxes.
9:28 P.M.: Someone should tell Obama that education helping the young drive us into the 21st century when we are already in 2008. Technically this is the 21st century. And McCain just lost Iowa by saying that he opposes ethanol tarrifs. Also, if McCain knows how to cut spending why has he kept it a secret?
9:30 P.M.: For those wondering, that planetarium projector in Chicago is for the Adler Planetarium, one of the premier museums in the city and therefore the country. So it is not like we spent three million on some junior college somewhere. It’s part of the museum campus for crying out loud.
9:35 P.M.: The fact that Fox News is used as a reference for a laugh line is a sad statement on the state of the press. It’s correct but sad nonetheless.
9:38 P.M.: Interesting to note that McCain hasn’t denied any of the negative remarks that were stated in his campaign ads. That said neither did Obama and any time one uses the phrase “100% of your ads have been negative” you know they are wrong. Obama is missing on some points here.
9:42 P.M.: Again with Joe the Plumber! Snake Eyes: What is your opinion on this new front?
9:43 P.M.:
9:44 P.M.: Maybe hiring Snake Eyes as a spokesman wasn’t the wisest move.
9:46 P.M.: So in nine minutes of discussing negative campaigns all we did was have both candidates launch negative attacks on each other. We might as well have had Texas Death Match rules instituted.
9:52 P.M.: Ooh, a running mate question. This is going to be good. Hopefully we get some good Palin jokes out of this. Or at least a few more references to the hellhole that is Scranton.
9:54 P.M.: Uh, no, we don’t know Sarah Palin. You need to do interviews for people to know who you are. I still can’t figure out how being an outsider qualifies you to be vice-president. That implies that any random person taken off the street could be made veep with no issues.
9:58 P.M.: Personally I would like to have questions on climate control. Given the work that Cobra has done in that regard (after the successful completion of the Serpentor project) I believe that is an important topic to explore.
10:02 P.M.: Even though the economy is absolutely crap it is nice to have both candidates talking about energy policy when you work in the energy industry. True, I have to wait until after the election to figure out what direction we are going in but at least either way business should be good.
10:09 P.M.: Just once I would like to see a candidate when asked about health care to answer “I will make placebos free for all! Every single American will receive placebos to ease their pain!” That will solve half our problems right there.
10:10 P.M.: Ah, McCain just took the “Kids today are just too fat” tact. Because the problem with the health care system is laziness. And please, for the love of God, can we stop talking about Joe the Plumber? I’m about to go to Ohio to find this guy and kick his ass.
10:15 P.M.: Question (funk dat): In what world does someone who makes more than $250K a year not rich? If you were able to buy your own company wouldn’t that imply that you are rather well off. I’m pretty confident that Joe is an arrogant prick.
10:27 P.M.: Yeah, I’ll just quiet on the whole abortion issue. Some things simply can’t be discussed without causing major arguments even when you don’t mean to.
10:29 P.M.: You know, if you made it a decent paying gig I might think about becoming a math teacher. It wouldn’t be that challenging a life and I’d get to go home at three in the afternoon. Wait, put away the video games? I’m not sure if I can support a candidate who is anti Grand Theft Auto.
10:42 P.M.: And that is it. I would call it another tie, maybe a little leaning to McCain. Oh, and after seeing a picture of Joe the Plumber I take back my threat to beat him up. He seems like a pretty tough guy. I still think this election is Obama’s and the democrats to lose. Not that that is out of the field of possibilities. We are talking about the democrats here. Anyway, time to catch up with my tape of Project Runway.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Technically this should be part of Best of 120 Minutes but there just isn’t enough Blake Babies music in this world. I need this at the end of the day.
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