My Third Life Crisis

(Side note before I start the main essay. I am very proud of the fact that the Flyers crowd booed Sarah Palin as she came out to drop the ceremonial first puck last night. First, it shows that I am living in an area with the same political views that I have. Second, after seven years in the wilderness I finally get hockey coverage again.)

Because my life has been in such a state of upheaval over the past two months due to moving across the country and starting a new job what should have been one of the most influential moments of my life has become a footnote. I’m not even sure if I’ve written about it or at least not in the level that I should have. Anything that weighs on my mind to that degree really needs to be examined in more detail.

I’m talking about turning 35. Now I can’t say that my birthday wasn’t memorable. I flew from Philly to KC the night before and spent my birthday packing up the last bits of my apartment, spending time with friends and hosting a trivia game. But given all the stress of the move and knowing that it would be the last time I would be seeing a number of people I couldn’t call it a relaxing birthday. Hell, I didn’t even have cake. How can you have a birthday without cake?

But it is not the day itself that concerns me. It is the realization that I am 35 and have moved to a new city where I know no one and have to come to terms with the fact that this is my life. On some levels that is not an issue at all. I have a very good job at a time where having any job at all has to be considered a positive move. My apartment is amazing and I have everything that I could possibly need at my fingertips. So on the surface my life is rather perfect.

Except that it is not and I would be kidding myself to say that it was. Basically I am alone again as I discovered when I was out last night at a bar sitting by myself. That isn’t too unusual and I had the benefit of getting to watch several good games but it is not the life I want to have. It certainly isn’t the life that I expected for myself. I fully intended to be married by the time I was 35. I could easily see myself being a dad right now with a house in the suburbs. I’m more amazed by the fact that I do not have one than anything else that has happened to me in my life.

I know there are a lot of reasons behind it. I’m painfully shy when it comes to meeting people. I’m happy to sit at the bar by myself. Even if I see someone I would like to talk to moving from my barstool is a challenge and a half. Between my sarcasm and my occasional arrogance I can be a little tough to get to know. And for someone who is so desperate to meet someone I have rather high standards. But at the end of the day I really do consider myself to be a nice, smart, caring guy who isn’t that bad looking. You would think that someone would have fallen for me by now.

I’m not as tortured by this as I was a few months back. Maybe it is the fresh start and the fact that I have a reason to put on pants every morning. But there is only one thing in my life that I am lacking and all of the pressure is on me to find the missing piece. Any ideas on how to accomplish this would be greatly appreciated.

Best of 120 Minutes: Ned’s Atomic Dustbin had two bass players. That is the only fact that anyone can remember about this band. They were occasionally played on MTV and they always mentioned the dual bass players. The fact that I still can recall this concerns me.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Dave Matthews Band “Recently”
2) Sister Seven “Wrestling Over Tiny Matters”
3) Jeff Buckley and Gary Lucas “Songs to No One”
4) The Brunettes “Mars Loves Venus”
5) Jay Bennett “Bigger than Blue”