Losing another hour of sleep...

In the best interest of time and sanity, here are a couple of quick points to end the week.

1) Saw this while driving earlier this week and it gave me pause. A car with one of those Christian fish emblems that also clearly contained a radar detector. Because God wants you to speed? Because God wants to stick it to the man? Because speed guns are a violation of our basic human dignity? Help me out here.

2) The Sports Illustrated baseball preview came out today and the White Sox were predicted to repeat as World Series champions. That worries me, I don’t want the team to have that much pressure on them. I just want what I always want, the White Sox to make the playoffs and the Cubs not to make the playoffs. Everything after that is gravy. The Royals were predicted to come in last in the AL Central but at least they weren’t described as a disgrace of a baseball team this year. That said, the season is still young.

3) Is anyone interested in seeing Basic Instinct 2? I’m not talking about my readership, I’m talking about society in general. I mean, the selling point is that it’s Sharon Stone naked except that I’ve seen that story before and it was a decade ago and it was much more interesting then. I don’t know if I could walk into that theater with any sense of pride. I just can’t imagine going up to the ticket booth and asking for “Basic Instinct 2, please.” I’d probably buy a ticket for Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector and then sneak into Basic Instinct 2.

4) Yes, I am disturbed as everyone else that Larry the Cable Guy gets a movie. That it rakes in millions of dollars shakes me to my very core. There is one thing that is worse, though. While walking through Barnes and Noble the other day I realized that Pamela Anderson, Nicole Richie and Jenna Jamison had all written novels before I did. Ok, write is probably not the right word here. More like, “Added their name to something that someone else wrote.” Still, how horrible is it to know that no matter how much I try, no matter what I write, it will never sell as much as Nicole Richie’s novel. Yikes, and I said that I was going to be positive this year.

(Insert five hour break while I go to a concert)

5) Just got back from seeing one of my favorite bands from last year, The Brunettes. Yes, the best band out of New Zealand made its way back to Lawrence and their songs were still as needlessly complicated as ever. Seriously, on one song you had one guy simultaneously playing a saxophone and rhythm guitar while the guy next to him is juggling a banjo and a trumpet. Well, not literally juggling but you get the idea. At one point you had three separate band members playing the xylophone simultaneously. I’m not sure that any song has ever called for a wall of xylophones but you have to give them credit for trying. They are an incredibly fun and talented group of kids and anyone who finishes their set by putting on Mary Kate and Ashley masks are tops in my book.

6) I was checking out Gawker.com this afternoon to get all of my celebrity gossip. (Somehow I have spun this to be part of my job description. Even I’m not sure exactly how that happened.) Anyway, they were kind of mocking a couple of news stories that were swirling around New York as to how leggings were the new fashion craze. The reason that I bring this up is that at the show tonight it seemed like every other girl wore leggings and in a few instances we even had a breakout of the retro leg warmer look. I mean, it was frighteningly consistent. It’s like if I walked into a bar tomorrow night and tried to count how many guys are wearing striped shirts, there’s just too damn many of them. But, here are my end thoughts. A) If the trend has hit Kansas that means that the trend is over and B) How frightening is it that I am noticing stuff like this?

7) The real reason I went to the show was to check out Clap Your Hands Say Yeah and they put on a pretty good show. I’m not that familiar with their stuff and I have a feeling that they are a band that you need to listen to a half dozen times before you figure out if you like them or not. I will say that I am probably the only person who in a 48 hour period sees both Hank Williams III and Clap Your Hands. I don’t know if you could say that I have a taste in music, more like I just listen to everything.

Ok, that’s it. Time to go to bed. Have a good weekend everybody and remember to spring forward. And if you live in Indiana, welcome to the wonderful world of Daylight Savings Time.

Wondering about worry

This thought hit me the other day and it has been floating around my head trying to tell me something that is so obvious that I’m blind to it. It’s not an original thought, other people have come up with it, and I’m almost certain that I’ve written about it before. Still, sometimes the only way I can make life make sense is by writing about it and this is one of those times.

It’s simple and silly, really. A few days ago I had something happen that made my anxiety level shoot through the roof. The what really isn’t important, but my reaction is. I was in one of those modes where I can’t sit down and my brain won’t stop going through worst case scenarios for hours and despite the fact that I am well aware that this is dumb and counterproductive I still go ahead with it. The thing is, I started to ask myself why in the world am I worrying?

I mean, by any measure I am incredibly blessed and in those top few percentiles of life. I’ve got a roof over my head, clean drinking water and the odds of my being mauled to death in a bear attack are surprisingly low. On a planet of six and a half billion, not that many people can make that claim. But yet I still complain even though my only real problems are a lack of a girlfriend and the fact that I don’t see my family as much as I would like and while those are real issues they are pretty much the definition of trivial. No bombs falling overhead, no questioning where my next meal is coming from, just a lot of free time where I can sit at a desk and write about Lindsay Lohan all night.

And it’s that last part that’s really bothering me. Because more and more I’m beginning to wonder that the one rule that I’ve decided to live by may not be sufficient. I’ve never said that I knew the meaning of life but I was confident that I had the purpose of life figured out, that you were supposed to live your life in such a way that on your last day that you could look back and state without a doubt in your mind that the world was a better place because of what you did. In whatever way, big or small, you had a positive impact on the world. I still think that is at its essence true but I wonder if it is really enough. That because of the position that I’m in, I really owe the world more than being nice to everyone I meet and recycling.

Plus, I’m probably now more concerned over the fate of the planet than I have ever been since I was a little kid growing up with The Day After and the Doomsday Clock and news predictions of a nuclear holocaust by the end of the century. What’s been worrying me is all that I have been reading on climate change and how it really is here now. Does anyone consider what we just had a winter? I’ve read predictions of mass extinctions or near extinctions in the next fifty years if we keep at the current pace. There’s something about the fact that in my lifetime that there may no longer be any polar bears that really gets to me. And I fear that everyone is just going to go, “Don’t worry, science will fix things” except that there are some things that science can’t fix. It isn’t magic, at some point things just are the way they are.

So I’m wondering why I am worrying about all these petty events in my life when there are much bigger issues to worry about. More than that, I am wondering why I am worrying about them, which accomplishes nothing other than costing me sleep, when I could be trying to change the situation. I’m just trying to figure out what that one thing that I could do is.

Fez is king...

You know, while I really like what I wrote on Saturday night given that much of this week is going to be spent at concerts I probably should have saved that to post later this week. Instead, expect to have a couple of relatively random “Why in the world am I not asleep right now” entries. So, if anyone has a topic or an infrequently asked question that is gnawing at their very soul, speak up now. I’m going to need all the help that I can get.

The best celebrity news story that I heard about today involves Wilmer Valderamma’s appearance on Howard Stern. He, well he cemented his position in celebrity lore by basically presenting his laundry list of conquests. Seriously, from what I heard he gave details on Mandy Moore, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lindsay Lohan (no, not Lindsay!) Remember, this is Wilmer Valderamma we’re talking about here, the fourth best actor on That 70’s Show. It really seems that in every aspect of his career he is aiming to be the modern day Scott Baio. That said, given all that he’s accomplished there are probably a line of guys trying to hang with him at the bar tonight going, “Sensei, please teach us your secrets. We have traveled great distances and faced many obstacles to learn how we to can score with young starlets.”

(Does anyone else ever wonder if celebrities actually live on the same planet that we do? I mean, except for Tom Cruise, who we know is from another planet and Lord Xenon willing, he will be returning there shortly. But otherwise when I read some of the things that they do it’s like, how in the world can they consider that to be normal behavior. And it’s always some third rate celebrity trying to claim that they are famous. That’s why I have this odd level of respect for the cast of The Surreal Life because if you appear on that show you are admitting to the world that yes you are a media whore.)

Oh, and since I’m still getting crap about Duke basketball I want to mention something that I heard the other day. Here’s the lineup of Duke’s 2001 championship squad: Shane Battier, Jason Williams, Carlos Boozer, Mike Dunleavy, Chris Duhon. Now here’s this year’s lineup: J.J. Redick, Shelden Williams, Josh McRoberts, Greg Paulus, Sean Dockery. In a seven game series, the 2001 team would win four straight. Four of those guys are solid pros (and Jason Williams would have been if it wasn’t for the motorcycle accident) but on this year’s squad J.J. is maybe a Steve Kerr equivalent, Shelden will probably be a decent power forward, and Josh McRoberts will probably be a high draft choice. That’s a big difference. What this means is that while Duke is continuing to be a number one seed year after year they really haven’t had much talent the past few years. The bench has been thin with Lee Melchioni getting significant minutes and trust me, if Melchioni played for Illinois he wouldn’t see the court. On one hand, this shows what Coach K can do in terms of getting the most out of his team. On the other hand, Duke has to start bringing in some better players and better athletes if they want to raise a fourth banner.

Monday night ramblings...

It’s list time…

1) Austin City Limits this weekend was a rerun of the Damien Rice set. That is a good thing since you can’t get enough Damien Rice (or Lisa Hannigan for that matter) in your life. That led me to check out his website to find out that he is coming back to the states this summer to tour. This is really good news since he is on the shortlist of artists that I want to tour the country with. There is a slight problem, though. He’s touring with Fiona Apple. So, I could still road trip around the country catching Damien’s sets but a) he’s probably going to be the opening act and b) I would subject myself to a week’s worth of Fiona Apple sets. If life is anything, it is a tradeoff.

2) Staying in the Irish musician mode, this is something that I wanted to write about around St. Patrick’s Day but never got a chance to do so. I read somewhere that Glen, the lead singer of The Frames, was in the movie The Commitments portraying the lead guitarist of the band. Well, on St. Pat’s Day while flipping between basketball games I came across the film and yep, he’s in it, with a continued look of stunned disbelief about him. That fits the character and was probably easy to do since he’s not an actor and was probably going “How the hell did this happen again?” I’m going to have to get the film because of this (well, that and it is a great flick based off of Roddy Doyle’s brilliant novel). Add that to the fact that I’m ordering CDs of theirs off of Amazon UK to complete my collection and you can see that I am really into this band.

3) Request for guidance: I have a DVD issue at the present time. As in I have more DVDs than I have space in the media cabinet I bought three years ago for them. This means that a number of them (ok, specifically the wrestling DVDs) are hid in a storage container. While that is an acceptable current situation at some point I need to find a better way to display them. The thing is, looking around I can’t find any good looking DVD stands. The best one I saw was at The Sharper Image, but since it is from The Sharper Image it is needlessly complicated and expensive. Any ideas? Yes, I know I could just store the discs in a binder but this is me here, the entire reason I buy these things is to display them.

4) If I remember correctly, I have been filling out NCAA brackets since sixth grade. I’ve won twice and paid out a couple of other times so historically I am still ahead of the game. However, this year goes down as my worst year ever. This is the first time that I’ve never correctly predicted a team in the Final Four. Heck, I only got two of the elite eight right. I’m something like sixth from last in the pool I’m in and I’d rather be in last since at least that way I’d get my money back. This really makes me wonder why I spent the past four months watching basketball.

5) Oh, and one local basketball note that I have to mention. Kansas State hired Bob Huggins as their head coach. I think we should just start a pool now: What will happen first? A) Kansas State makes the Sweet 16, B) Kansas State gets placed on probation for recruiting violations or C) a Huggins recruited player actually graduates. I’m sorry, but if people thought that Quin Snyder was sleazy then they will be amazed by what Huggins does. I’d rather hire Jerry Tarktanian, at least then you’re honest about what you are trying to do to the program.

Forgotten Television Shows: Volume Ten

By request…

I’ve been spending the past few months talking about how the show How I Met Your Mother is a mirror of my life. Or a little more accurately, a mirror of what my life was like in business school and what I wish my life will return to. But there was a show on a long time ago that not only mirrored my life but was really what I wanted my life to be like. That show was, of course, Head of the Class.

The show came on the air in 1986 when I was in eighth grade. And while I knew that high school was not going to involve having Dr. Johnny Fever teaching me life lessons, I kind of hoped that all of my honors classes would somehow resemble these. Of course they didn’t because life just doesn’t resemble art or even late eighties ABC sitcoms.

The students really were just an amalgam of random stereotypical smart kids. This is the first problem that I had with the show because in an honors program you don’t get a bunch of individuals with incredibly different interests, it tends to be a combination of high achievers, math whizzes and guys like me who just happen to have a photographic memory that people mistakenly equate to being intelligent. I mean, I never had a Simone in my class. There was no girl who was solely a sensitive poet, though admittedly she did probably start my fascination with redheads. But we also had Eric the rebel, Jawharahal the Indian guy, Dennis the fat computer guy, and Janice the child prodigy.

As the comment said, they did have their assigned positions, half of which were sitting properly at their desk. Dennis hung out in the back with a computer keyboard in his lap. This was 1986 of course and no high school would have been on the net or even have anything much higher than a Commodore 64 so exactly what he was doing with a computer is beyond me. Eric the rebel sat on a desk near the front and showed attitude. And if I remember correctly Arvid sat in the back by Dennis, which is pretty much fitting since that is where I ended up in class.

Yes, if you needed to pick a television character who best resembles myself Arvid is your best choice. The math genius who is not only a total geek but is well aware that he is a total geek. And because of that weird self-realization he ends up hanging out in the back and cracking jokes mainly because you can’t make fun of someone who already knows that they are the joke. (For those of you who wonder why I am so self-deprecating this is basically it. I realized early on that if I was making fun of myself other people would a) laugh and b) not make fun of me. It’s a habit that I started half a lifetime ago and I would like to stop, I’m just not sure how.)

Plus, if you watched the show Arvid always ended up with the girl. That’s just one of those rules of television. Sure, he would fail comically at times but at the end of the day the guy who was certain about who he is would end up on top. And maybe life imitates art sometimes. I mean, I ended up on my prom court, one of those stories that I will write one night when I am sufficiently drunk and nearing my fifteenth high school reunion.

What I’m trying to get at here is that yeah, Head of the Class was not realistic. I was not in honors classes with a dozen geniuses who seemed to be friends and who never seemed to be ostracized from the rest of the world. Scottish comedians never showed up as our substitute teachers and never left. But when you’re fourteen and you would like to think that maybe, just for a moment, there might be a place for you in this whole mix of high school cliques well that is when you watched Head of the Class. Because while I never felt at home in high school, I’d like to think that I would have felt at home there.

The five random CDs of the week:
1) Tift Merritt “Bramble Rose”
2) The Smashing Pumpkins “Greatest Hits”
3) The Saw Doctors “Sing a Powerful Song”
4) Josh Rouse “Home”
5) Sally Timms “Cowboy Sally”

Saturday Night's Main Event

Yes, it’s a Saturday Night Special Edition! First things first, I haven’t written about Head of the Class yet? I have a running feature called “Forgotten Television Shows” and I haven’t delved into the character of Arvid yet? Hell, given that I look the way that I do and my tendency to run math problems as a way to relax how in the world have I not written about Arvid? Ok, tomorrow’s topic is going to be really simple.

But that is tomorrow and this is tonight. I was checking out Barney’s Blog at http://www.cbs.com he has posted the brackets for his annual Hottest Chick competition. And given that I can’t see a set of brackets without offering my opinion here is my view of the competition. Have to admit that Barney has put together some really challenging matchups. (And yes, I realize that he is technically a fictional character. The thing is, I’ve had these arguments at two in the morning on numerous occasions and for that Barney gains entry into the “essentially real” category).

Here we go. Those of you who are easily offended, well, you probably never should have been reading the blog in the first place. And yeah, I’m probably going to hell for what I’ve written here.

Obvious Chicks Bracket:

Cheerleader vs. Lebanese Girl: Yes, I know that in the show parlance Lebanese Girls are supposed to be the new in thing but it just doesn’t work for me. I’ll go with the walking cliché and go with the Cheerleader in a walkover.

Porn Star vs. Alien Chick: This is a rather tough call. I mean, my basis for Alien Chick is Natasha Henstridge in Species and Kim Bassinger in My Stepmother is an Alien. Overall, that is a pretty good combination, though Natasha did have that tendency to viciously kill people and that is a little bit of a turn off. Porn Star sounds a lot better than it actually is and given the large amount of really bad tattoos amongst porn stars (or at least, so I’ve been told) I am going to have to go with Alien Chick. Especially with the possibility that Sigourney Weaver from Alien may appear at any moment.

Obvious Chicks Final: Cheerleader vs. Alien Chick: You know, in real life I’ve had just about as much luck getting aliens to go out with me as I have with cheerleaders. In fact, things have gone better with extraterrestrials. So I’m going with Alien Chick in an upset.

Cliché Chicks Bracket:

Catholic Schoolgirl vs. Farmer’s Daughter: Having spent more time in Kansas than any reasonable human being ever should (barring someone serving time in Leavenworth), I’ll have to say that Farmer’s Daughters are highly overrated. Most people would say, “But they’re corn fed”, which is also something you state about cattle. Got to go with the Catholic Schoolgirl

H.S. Lacrosse Champ. Vs. Convict: Is this even a contest? The Lacrosse Champ in a second.

Cliché Chicks Final: Catholic Schoolgirl vs. H.S. Lacrosse Champ: You know, I also went through a lot of Catholic school, which means that the schoolgirl look reminds me of a time when I was a pimply faced geek. Ok, so does looking at a mirror but stay with me here. And while I never hung out with any women’s lacrosse players I knew a bunch of girls who played rugby in college and they were an incredibly fun bunch. The Lacrosse wins the battle of clichés.

Taboo Chicks Bracket:

Freshly 18 vs. Distant but Hot Cousin: Can we just have a double disqualification here? Freshly 18 was cool when I was younger but now I’m the Matthew McConaughey character in Dazed and Confused, it just went from exciting to disturbing. And Distant but Hot Cousin is just bad. So, since I view this like a pro wrestling tournament we will just call this a double count out.

Mute Chick vs. Taller Than You: Hey, did I ever mention the time in college when one of my friends was trying to set me up on a blind date with a girl who was legally blind? I’m not kidding. It was the only time in my life where I was unable to handle the irony of the situation. That has nothing to do with this but I just wanted to mention it. I’m going with the girl who is Taller than Me since a) I ran into one at the airport a few months ago and she was really cool and b) given my height this means that I might be actually able to get my kids a D-1 basketball scholarship.

Easy Chicks Bracket:

Grieving Widow vs. Funny Chick: I know that I always complain about the fact that women say that they are looking for Sense of Humor, which I’ve always taken to mean that that Brad Pitt dude must be freaking hilarious. However, I sure as hell look for someone who laughs so I’m going with the Funny Chick. Especially if it’s a funny art student.

Island Native vs. Librarian: In the movie Party Girl, Parker Posey played a Librarian Assistant. ‘Nuff Said.

Easy Chicks Final: Funny Chick vs. Librarian: Got to go with the Funny Chick here. Look, in Reality Bites I liked Jeanenne Garoffolo more than I did Winona Ryder. That says a lot about me.

Semi-Finals:

Alien Chick vs. H. S. Lacrosse Champ.: Natasha Henstridge was also in this incredibly dumb but brilliant show called She Spies, which revolved around three female, model level beautiful, convicts turned government agents. The show even admitted that this is the dumbest premise this side of Snakes on a Plane. Somehow, that factors into the equation of taking the Alien Chick here. Honestly, I have no idea how she makes the title game.

Taller than You vs. Funny Chick: Man, this is a tough call. There really aren’t any downsides here that I can see. In one case, she’ll be able to grab something from a shelf I can’t reach. In the other, she’d probably be a better writer and wittier than I am. To be honest, I’d rather be with someone who can makes me laugh over someone who will be blocking my jump shot so the Funny Chick makes it to the finals.

Championship Matchup:

Alien Chick vs. Funny Chick: Not really a match-up here. If we have learned anything from popular culture it is that if you go out with an alien you will have something come bursting out of your chest. And didn’t Steve Guttenberg date an alien in Cocoon? There is no way in which following in the footsteps of Steve Guttenberg is a good idea and like I’ve said, funny is attractive. So the Funny Chick takes it all.

Final Comments: There were a couple of people missing from this bracket that would have greatly changed things in my mind. First, where is the art student? Or at least the Goth girl? Second, the girl who plays guitar has to make the cut at some level. You become immensely more attractive the moment you step on stage. And finally, no English Majors? How can that happen? Guess Barney’s tastes and my own don’t match up exactly.

Dream a little dream...

(Note to the people who know my team allegiances very well: I’m not going to talk about it. No, seriously, I’m not going to dwell on this. Besides, I’m in enough pain from punching the wall as it is, no need to make things worse. I mean, on the bright side a) at least we didn’t lose in the first round and b) I just picked up an awful lot of free time this weekend.)

What follows is one hundred percent true. I had two dreams last night. In one, I found out that I had a comment written on my blog at 11:30 at night. In the other, I was dating Neko Case. Incredibly, I woke up this morning to find that one of them had come true. Sadly, as much as I like getting a post from my brother-in-law, that really wasn’t the dream that I wanted to come true. Sigh.

I’m telling you, that was one of the most disappointing moments of the year for me. Here I am in this wonderful dream and wake up going “This is awesome” and then looking around and going “Wait, that was just a dream? Son of a…” It is really painful to realize that you are stuck in your own boring existence after a moment like that. It just seems completely unfair to have to go from having your life being perfect to recognizing that you are living above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley in about ten seconds. At times like that I get whiplash from my own thought process.

On the other hand, it is always great to get Kelly Willis news. I haven’t caught the Claritin commercial (is it possible to set Tivo for commercials? Am I insane for even thinking this?) but given that she and Bruce just had their fourth child, it probably helps to pay the bills. And thanks to this comment, I just remembered that I had something I wanted to write about Bruce and Kelly for the past month.

Backstory: Every two months I pick up this magazine called No Depression (and no, it does not refer to any psychological issues that I may or may not have). It’s a music magazine that focuses on Americana, alternative country and all of those other genres of music that I listen to and no one else does. They had an article this month on Bruce Robison, this great songwriter and extremely nice guy who is married to Kelly (who still ranks as the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever had a conversation with). In it, Kelly talks about how Bruce courted her. I’ll quote directly here.

“We were friends with the same people,” she recalls. “But he acted like he hated me. He was rude to me all the time, and…” she had to admit, “…it piqued my curiosity. Then one night we were all hanging out together and we all wound up getting drunk, of course, and he grabbed me and kissed me. He said he thought that everybody around me was kissing my butt and he didn’t want to come across as one of those guys. It’s been true love ever since.”

You know, I have spent much of the past several years pondering the concept of relationships and how do you bridge that divide that always seems to arise. It always centered around the question of “Why doesn’t being the nice guy work?” I’ve thought about it, I’ve talked it out with friends, I’ve hired external consultants (don’t ask) and I’ve even run statistical models (really, really don’t ask) and I could never figure out the answer. And here one day I’m reading an article and the answer is just sitting there. Nice guys just aren’t that bloody interesting. Is it that simple? Or am I just a really slow learner?

Surprise bonus: Due to the fact that on Saturday night that they are going to have a special hour long block of How I Met Your Mother, including the episode where Ted downs five Red Dragon shots and trust me, if you want to get an idea of what my life is really like watch that episode, I am going to do a special, one-time only, weekend edition of the blog. I know what it’s going to be about and well, you’ll just have to check this space to find out. There has to be some suspense to it, after all.

Once again, bitterness raises its ugly head...

Wilco was in town last night and as one might expect I was right there with them. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody as they easily rank in my top five of favorite bands on the planet. That is even though I still like their old stuff (which was a bunch of twangy pop rock songs) to their new stuff (which is the adventurous noise rock). Still, it is Jeff Tweedy and I’m one of the many people who feel that he can do no wrong so it was a great show to catch. The focus was mainly on the new material with a handful of songs from Being There or the Mermaid Avenue discs. It wasn’t the best performance that I’ve seen them give, mainly because this was an end of the tour, I just want to go home, stop on the road but it still is an early contender for a Top Ten show.

The interesting thing is that I found myself maneuvering through the crowd trying to find a place where I wasn’t surrounded by idiots. Actually, that is a good description of my two and a half years in Kansas City, a constant struggle to not be surrounded by idiots. It’s really beginning to bother me at concerts as the last three shows I’ve gone to have included being hassled by people who are drunk out of their minds. You know, the point where they can’t stand so they just stumble into people even if the room is half empty. I’ve been a magnet for these people over the last month and it is really beginning to bug me. I’m accepting of drunks in a bar but at most concerts my focus is entirely on the music and I can’t stand people who have decided to get blasted on five dollar a bottle beer. Just seems like a waste of good money on bad beer and completely missing the entire point you went out in the first place.

(True story: in the background right now is a commercial for The Essential Kenny G. With the tunes hand selected by the man himself. Including his collaboration with Michael Bolton. I’m not making this up. There are a lot of things that worry me in this world. The prediction of an eight degrees Celsius increase in temperature over the next fifty years is one of them. The fact that the people who are right now calling the toll free number and ordering The Essential Kenny G are also allowed to vote is another.)

(Ah, now this is better. They’re playing Allison Krauss, which makes life seem much more enjoyable. Sadly, she will be outsold by Kenny G but such is life.)

Have one other random story that I need to share. When I went to Wakarusa last year that apparently put me on a mailing list for Relix magazine. The magazine that focuses solely on jam bands. A magazine that has no problems doing a cover story on Jerry Garcia. Basically, a magazine that makes me go “Great, even more hippies.” Well, in their latest issue they talk about how to green up your life, which I thought would be a really good read. Of course one of their first suggestions was stop getting junk mail. Yes, the magazine that decided to keep sending me free issues even though I have no interest in what they’re writing about wants me to stop getting junk mail. Looks like Kansas City isn’t the only place that doesn’t grasp the concept of irony.

Waiting for Saberhagen's return

Well, since it is officially springtime it means that we have to analyze the new ad campaign for the Kansas City Royals. This year’s slogan is “Your Town. Your Team. Your Kansas City Royals.” I think that it is clear that this has to go down as one of the dumbest slogans I’ve ever heard since basically all it is saying is that you live here so you have to cheer the team. Of course, a few years ago the slogan was “Believe”, which probably just beat out “Pray.”

For comparison sake, the White Sox for years used “Good Guys Wear Black” and last year decided to turn it up a notch by using “Win or Die Trying.” I don’t think that it is a coincidence that the team won the World Series by basically out hustling and out working their opponents (along with occasionally stealing first).

So, as a public service I am going to propose the following slogans for the Royals. I think you’ll find them much more fitting.

Your Kansas City Royals: Guaranteed by law to have one All-Star

Your KC Royals: Minor league baseball at major league prices

Royals baseball: We don’t mind if you leave after the hot dog race in the fourth inning

Royals baseball: Because watching soccer is un-American

The Kansas City Royals: It’s like cheering for the Cubs except without Wrigleyville. Or day games. Or Take Me Out To the Ballgame. But they both lose so there’s that.

Royals baseball: Dude, wasn’t George Brett awesome?

Your KC Royals: First in war, first in peace, last in the AL Central

Royals baseball: It’s like Nascar except that instead of cars we have opposing baserunners going around in a circle

Royals baseball: Come for the game, stay for the opportunity to be called from the stands to provide middle relief

Your KC Royals: Get season tickets and be assured of seeing the AL Champs

And my personal favorite…

Royals baseball: It’s June in Kansas City, what the hell else are you going to do?

Local politics at its best

I’ve been seeing enough political yard signs recently (including more than a few show up on company property) that I really need to say something. It’s in regards to an important vote in KC that is coming up in a few weeks and to me, the entire future of this city depends on it. That vote is, of course, to re-elect James Taylor as county commissioner.

(Ok, that’s not the issue but I have seen that sign and you’ll have to admit that I can’t imagine what county politics would be like without his languid folk rock stylings.)

Anyway, the vote is for the sports stadiums and actually there are two votes. The first is for a 3/8% sales tax increase for Jackson County with the money going to improve the sports stadiums in town. The second is another tax increase to raise an additional 200 million in order to put a rolling roof over the two stadiums and thus give Kansas City a Super Bowl sometime in the next decade. The people who support this are pushing to save the teams and call themselves Save Our Stadiums. I have a counter-proposal that I would like to state here. It’s a rather simple slogan

Are You People Freaking Insane?

This is just a bad idea all around. I can understand supporting the first vote. It’s still a bad package as the teams are not putting up nearly enough money in the overall deal but the stadiums do need to be improved. They are nearing that thirty year mark and they are showing their age. Both are great places to watch a game but still, you could definitely make some changes. The thing is the owners are not putting in close to what teams have done in other cities and you can’t claim that it’s because they do not have money. The Royals are owned by Wal-Mart (or at least heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune) and Lamar Hunt has owned the Chiefs forever.

Plus, everyone is acting like if this vote doesn’t pass the teams will leave town tomorrow and I’ll have to break it to you but they won’t be going anywhere. What city is angling for a baseball team? You’re down to Portland (which is possibly going to lose the Trail Blazers) and Las Vegas (who baseball is going to shy away from because of gambling). Sure, LA is an option for the Chiefs but they haven’t been able to put together a stadium package for the last decade. Trust me, if this vote fails there will be another chance.

Still, I’ll understand if people pass the first measure. It’s a dumb vote that will raise my taxes for no apparent reason but that happens. It’s the second measure that makes me really wonder what they put in the water here. A rolling roof over two existing stadiums is one of the dumbest things that I’ve ever heard of. I remember listening to people push that idea in Chicago for a combined White Sox/Bears complex and they basically got laughed out of the city.

Basically, you can’t add something like this to a stadium and have it work. Remember, it’s not a dome, it’s a roof. All you are doing is keeping out the rain. If we have a Super Bowl in February it still won’t change the fact that it is thirty degrees outside and unless they intend to fix this, there is no heating inside the stadium. It will almost certainly be the coldest Super Bowl on record. Keep that in mind when you hear people talk about getting a Final Four. As long as part of the stadium is open-air (and all of the drawings that I have seen show it that way) then there is no way that the NCAA will want any part of it.

Plus, the Super Bowl will not be an economic windfall. Yes, we will get more people in town that weekend but the revenue they create probably won’t cover the cost of the additional hotels and convention space that would need to be built. There is no additional tourism created unless anyone can tell me that they have planned vacations to Detroit, Jacksonville and Houston as a result of the last three games. And given how the sportswriters ripped on Jacksonville they would have a field day in Kansas City.

This town needs pro sports teams. Without them, all this place is is a slightly larger Omaha. But that doesn’t mean you tax the hell out of people when the owners haven’t coughed up their fair share. It doesn’t mean you make some ill-conceived effort to make yourself appear big time just so you can fall flat on your face. Take a step back, develop a real plan and then we can talk about this. But until then, please, just think for once.

(Oh, and to whoever did put the signs up on my way to work. It’s nice that you are promoting the vote in Johnson County when a) you’re not the one getting taxed and b) you’re not the one voting on it.)

(How I Met Your Mother Update: Ted (or alternate me, take your pick) this is an easy decision in real life, tougher in sitcom world. In real life, you go to Robin’s. I’m talking from experience here. Staying doesn’t work. Trust me. Of course, since this is a sitcom I will bet you that he will go and Victoria will have flown into town creating all sorts of wacky hijinks. But you’ve got to make up your mind and just go.)

They play in Peoria

Guess I owe Jim Les a Christmas card this year. Not only does he lead Bradley to a huge upset over Kansas he then has them beat Pitt and bring them to the Sweet Sixteen, which they couldn’t do when they had Hersey Hawkins in the lineup. A really huge accomplishment for the team and I’ll be honest, they just played two great games of basketball. It wasn’t like Kansas or Pitt didn’t show up, Bradley just outplayed them. And yes, I know that it is schadenfreude but seeing Kansas lose in the first round is surprisingly satisfying. It at least helps to cover up the pain of seeing the Illini lose a game in which they were called for a foul every single trip down the court. Jeez, I knew that Duke got all the calls but I didn’t think that extended to Washington.

For those wondering, I did not watch the Bradley-Kansas game at a bar, which is a good thing because it would have ended with punches being thrown. Headed back to my apartment to catch the game in high-def. This weekend is one of the reasons to have HD, not as much for the higher quality but since CBS sends different signals for HD and regular broadcasts I was at one point able to switch between three separate games just using the regular cable package. It was like my own little sports bar. Admittedly, less crowded and with inferior service but still, it is a nice little option.

The other reason I ended up not at a bar on Friday night is that, well, most of Friday afternoon was spent at a bar. It was St. Pat’s Day after all and since that is a huge deal in Westport I had to make my way out to celebrate. Spent part of the time on the patio at Harry’s, which given that it was 45 degrees out made it one of the least crowded places in Westport. Still was a wait for a beer but at least you didn’t have to wait in line to get in. My one story from there is additional proof of what someone in my past once told me, “EC, you are naturally one of the nicest people on the planet. What that means is when you try to be nice you cross the line from nice into rather scary.” Here’s what I mean. Since I knew the place was busy and I know all the staff I switched my usual beer order to bottled beer. Figured that it would make life easier over having to pour, deal with taps, etc. Around the third beer they were asking me, “Chris, why the hell are you drinking Miller Lite?” Apparently, this wasn’t making their life easier, it was making things more confusing than they already are. As always this is what happens when I have good intentions.

My other story comes from when I made my way over to Record Bar for a while to listen to a U2 cover band. They were surprisingly good in that they really didn’t suck at all. Sounded like U2, played stuff from a wide range of albums, heck at least went as far back as War and to be honest, I like the band and I don’t really have a need to listen to anything from the Boy album. Anyway, while there I run into a guy wearing a Club 23 shirt. That was probably the most awesome shirt I saw the entire day. Spent like half an hour drinking with this guy and telling ND stories on the basis of a t-shirt. Sometimes life just works that way.

Otherwise, I really didn’t do much of anything with my time off other than watch basketball. I’ve done a complete reorganization of my apartment and I should probably take pictures of the place since this is the only time that it will ever be clean. It looks pretty sweet and I finally reorganized my bookshelves and that was on the list of things to do for months. I get really annoyed when I have books by the same author on two different shelves. It completely disturbs my natural sense of order. Still, it is back to the grind tomorrow. At least until I find a way to be independently wealthy, though that would probably require talent or something.

The five random CDs for the week
1) Dave Matthews Band “Under the Table and Dreaming”
2) Lyle Lovett “Joshua Judges Ruth”
3) Uncle Tupelo “89/93 An Anthology”
4) The Waco Brothers “Electric Waco Chair”
5) Black 47 “Black 47”

Testing the system again...

I'd like to thank Iowa for ruining my bracket. And Blogger for deciding to eat all of my posts...

Testing the system...

Sorry, trying to deal with some Blogger issues. Happy St. Pat's Day everyone!

The president and the pop star

Can’t believe that I forgot to mention this in my list of reasons why I’ll be cheering for Bradley over Kansas tomorrow night. Bradley’s coach is Jim Les, former winner of the award for “Best college player under six feet tall” (it’s an actual award), who through some very confusing situations I’m related to by marriage. It involves second cousins and well, it’s not like I expect Christmas cards from him or anything. But you’ve got to support the family even if it means that I will effectively be challenging a couple hundred people to a fight tomorrow night.

Done pretty well in my picks so far. Picked Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Oklahoma because of my firm belief that the Big 12 will always lose and you always have to fear those Wisconsin something schools since they always seem to be tough. Gonzaga just squeaked through, which makes my Final Four selection look really dumb. Illinois won nicely with some great play from the bench, which gives me hope for the next round. But there is something that puzzles me. Illinois beat Air Force and I was rather surprised to find that Air Force has cheerleaders. Now, let’s assume that they are Air Force students. So, you’ve decided to go to a military academy and dedicate a portion of your life to the armed services, which is honorable in more ways than I can describe. Plus, a female cadet goes into the process knowing that it is going to be an even bigger challenge. What I want to know is how do they find someone who goes, “You know, I want to serve my country but I really don’t want to give up being a cheerleader.” It seems like the oddest combination of desires possible.

There was one news story that hit the wire today that I want to talk about just for its sheer bizarreness. Apparently Jessica Simpson has turned down an opportunity to meet with President Bush. Yes, I know that that sentence makes absolutely no sense so I’ll have to explain. Jessica supports Operation Smile, this charity that provides reconstructive plastic surgery for children in need. It is a really good cause and one of my favorite celebs Mick Foley (also known as the hardcore legend of wrestling, Cactus Jack) has done a lot of work for them. It seems that Jessica was invited to a Republican dinner where she would have a chance to meet with the president and talk up her charity. She refused stating that she didn’t want to politicize it, which struck a lot of people as odd since as someone said, “It’s not like Bono turns down an opportunity to meet with a politician.”

There are two frightening things to this story. The first is that Jessica Simpson is apparently showing signs of being capable of logical thinking. This is a very dangerous development as it is only a matter of time before she begins to understand the concept of fire and then civilization as we know it will be at risk. The other is the fact that the president was preparing to meet with Jessica Simpson. Ok, let’s look at what is going on right now. We’re at war. We’ve been at war for three years now starting tomorrow. We will still be at war for the foreseeable future. The Gulf states are in shambles due to hurricanes. Our civil liberties are under attack. Global warming is threatening the world at a rate that makes me truly believe that the world may suffer catastrophic damage within my lifetime. So what does the leader of the free world decide to do? Meet with Jessica Simpson. That’s it, I’m moving to Australia.

Anodyne

A couple of things to note…

1) I’d like to point out that tomorrow through Monday are the Uncle Tupelo appreciation days. Yes, on March 16 through the 20th you are required to listen to all of the Uncle Tupelo discs and bask in the majesty of the greatest band ever to make its way out of Bellville, Illinois. For those wondering why these dates are chosen its because their third album is titled, simply, “March 16-20, 1992”. They didn’t even bother with a title, just listed the days they recorded it. So for those of you who have an innate need to know what I am listening to at all times, this gives you the scoop for the weekend.

2) Of course, we have St. Patrick’s Day coming up and this year it falls on a Friday. This always causes a bit of alarm since on Lenten Fridays you can’t eat meat and thus the traditional corned beef and cabbage dinner could condemn you to eternal suffering. (Ok, maybe not. I don’t eat meat on Friday but I would like to think that my soul will be judged on something a little more meaningful than what I had for dinner.) To deal with this, our bishop (and a good number of bishops in the US) have granted a dispensation meaning that we can go nuts with the corned beef this Friday and rest assured that we will not suffer for it. It is simply assumed that the green beer will cause more than enough suffering on Saturday to suffice for any greater need for punishment.

3) For those of you wondering, yes I do go out on St. Patrick’s Day but I don’t go nuts. I skip the parade, I know that it’s big in KC but since it’s not the South Side Irish parade it just feels wrong attending it. It’s a Chicago thing and I’m not even sure if I could explain it. Yes I’ll hit the bars but it is kind of like New Year’s Eve all over again as it is amateur day and night. Like I’ve said, I turned pro a long time ago in the regard. Actually, I’m probably like that grizzled clubhouse veteran who knows that his best days are probably behind him but thinks that with enough guile and craftiness and if his body can hold together for one last season he might just be able to have that one last all star run. Or at least that’s how I’d like to imagine it. It’s more like I’m the guy with the tinges of gray in his hair who is out at a surprisingly late hour.

4) I’ve got some really good news in that I get to sleep in tomorrow. Yes, I’m off from work for the next two days. The fact that it corresponds with the start of the tournament is purely coincidence. It’s a much needed break for me as I’ll get the chance to rest, relax, watch some hoops and generally put a couple of aspects of my life back in order. And it will be nice to not have to spend eight hours running excel for a change. Well, unless I decide to optimize my CD collection spreadsheet over the weekend, which probably would take eight hours. And sadly, I’d probably enjoy those eight hours.

Bracketology 368

Kind of short on ideas tonight so I’m going to take the easy way out and give a breakdown of my bracket…

Atlanta or South Regional: If you feel like picking a team solely on the basis of their nickname the Gaels of Iona would be a good upset choice here. When in doubt, never take the school that has the full name of a person so bet against George Washington in the eight-nine game. I’ve got Southern Illinois as my upset special because the Salukis (which were the guard dogs for the Egyptian pharaohs) would kick the ass of a Mountaineer in a fight. In the end, I’ve got Duke over Iowa in the regional final since A) Duke is the best team in this bracket and B) Duke always beats Iowa.

Washington D.C. or East Regional: We should never have gotten rid of the directional names. Just saying. Anyway, there is no way in the world that Tennessee deserves a number two seed but I would still pencil them in to the Sweet 16 because I can’t see them losing to a team from Wichita. Remember, Wichita St. is made up of players who willingly chose to go to school in Wichita. Based on that alone I can’t trust their decision making in a pressure filled tournament game. I really want to show Illinois in an upset here but I think that they will run into a Uconn team that will actually decide to play and win their way into the Final Four by beating North Carolina (who might lose in the first round. I have no idea where Carolina will really end up).

Minneapolis or Midwest Regional: Let’s see, we’ve got Florida coached by that fat piece of (bleep) Billy Donovan who will probably lead his team to the Sweet Sixteen while chowing down on Krispey Kreemes. (Yeah, I have a feud with Donovan that goes way back) I’ve heard people talk about Georgetown as an upset special but I really can’t go for a team that Notre Dame should have beaten three times over the course of the year. If you want to go for an upset take a really tough Boston College team but I’m going to write my third number one seed into the Final Four with Villanova squeaking by a surprisingly good Ohio State squad.

Oakland or West Regional: Also known as the “Who the hell is going to win this one?” regional. I so want to pick Bradley over Kansas but can’t. I will say that the Bradley-Kansas game is going to be of huge interest to me because a) a number of my siblings went to Bradley, b) I’m surrounded by Kansas fans, c) it’s on St. Patrick’s Day and d) the combination of those things means that the odds that I will be in a bar brawl are pretty damn high. Instead, I’ve got Kansas in the Elite Eight but will be really happy when they lose early and cost me money. In the end I’m going with Gonzaga because you’ve just got to go with the team with the dude sporting the porn star mustache.

Final Four: In the Uconn-Villanova battle you’ve got to take Uconn. Duke-Gonzaga will finally give us the Redick-Morrison matchup, which Redick will win when Duke realizes that no one else on Gonzaga can score and they unleash the first ever quintuple team. That leaves us with Duke-Uconn facing each other for the fifth time since 1990. The last two times Uconn won even though they didn’t have the better team. This time they clearly have the better team. So go with Duke because I just see Uconn choking away this one and Duke becoming the first team to go through an entire tournament without having a single foul called on them.

I am so moving to Oslo...

A bit of explanation on last night’s post (or lack of one). I really did write one and I reposted it a few hours ago but for some reason it did not make it to the Interweb last night. I can think of two possibilities. Either A) Blogger ate the post without my knowledge or B) I wrote the thing but then completely forgot to upload it. I would really like to think that it was the former but given that I don’t remember giving it a title odds are it was probably the latter. I still feel that my consecutive post streak is intact since I did technically write something.

Oh, and last night had one of those moments where I spent all day thinking about what I wanted to mention and then completely forgetting about it when I sat down to start typing. The real comment on tornadoes that I wanted to make came from the SI article on Barry Bonds this week where Barry’s mistress describes spending time in St. Louis which is, and I quote here, exotic because there are tornado warnings. I’ve often wondered what, at the most basic level, am I looking for in a woman. I’ve decided that the ability to consider a tornado watch as “exotic” is pretty much all I need to look for. At that point, you’re pretty much certain that you will always be able to impress her. For crying out loud, she’s impressed by a weather pattern, odds are that blue box from Tiffany’s is going to cause her to go catatonic.

Ok, I have to talk about what is easily the top news story of the day. In Oslo, Norway a woman turned on the faucet in her apartment and instead of getting water she got, to her amazement, beer. To which my immediate reaction is “Best. Apartment. Ever.” Seriously, I’d put aside that dream of winning Powerball if I knew that one day I could just turn on the faucet and beer would just stream out. Sure, it might make doing dishes or laundry a little more challenging but in all honesty, I don’t think that I’d be in any position to care.

So, we must ask the question “Other than the possibility of the water into wine miracle being updated for more modern tastes, how the hell does one get beer out of a faucet?” Well, apparently the answer is this. She lives above a bar and somehow when they installed a new keg they connected the keg to the water line and the water line to the keg line. This is apparently feasible though I am not going near the engineering assumptions that one would need to make to get it to work. What this also means is that while she was stunned to find beer flowing into her kitchen sink the bar patrons were shocked to find that when the bartender pulled the tap they got water. Well, most of the bar patrons were shocked. As Super Dave put it…

“It was a surprise to everyone except those drinking Bud Light, who probably didn’t even notice.”

(Ah Bud Light, it’s like having sex in a canoe.)

All I can say now is that replacing the plumbing in my place so that we have beer flowing between all the rooms is high on my list of things to do when I become Mark Cuban rich. That tops buying Bjorn Borg’s Wimbledon trophies and just below having a monkey in a cowboy hat with me at all times to test my theory that yes, everything actually is funnier with a monkey. Some people when they become rich want to be philanthropists, others want to consume everything imaginable, all I want is a monkey.

(Last note: So I don’t get to watch How I Met Your Mother tonight just so they can roll out another attempt at giving a Seinfeld actor their own show? Haven’t we read this story before? This show will be cancelled by what, midnight?)

Blowing into town...

The positive mental attitude seems to be continuing to reap benefits as I took home another trivia win over the weekend. After having a tough first round (which included categories on flowers, spiders, and British slang, not exactly my strong suits) I made up a ton of ground in the second round when the categories were things like celebrity news and teen movies. Heck, there was a question on Yanni and I wrote about that last week. I (technically we as I had a teammate) took home first place by correctly answering that the second richest person in the world is the guy whose appearance on campus gave us an incredible reason to go out drinking on a Monday night, Warren Buffet.

However, I have to mention something about the nature of the competition. See, once a round you can challenge another team to answer a question and if they miss it you get double points but if they get it right they get double points. Well, in the second round one of the categories was Madonna lyrics and I was challenge repeatedly and unmercifully on the topic. Maybe half of the time I could identify the song but I sure as hell couldn’t fill in the lyric. This doesn’t bug me since a) it gives me pride that my musical knowledge does not extend to Madonna and b) I have done a lot of embarrassing things in a crowded bar but detailing knowledge of Madonna lyrics is certainly not one of them.

I would like to talk about the new episode of Family Guy here but I can’t because it was constantly being preempted by storm warnings like every other program has been all day. (Ok, I did catch that they made a Great Space Coaster reference, which I wrote about, what, a year ago. Seth MacFarlane should just add me to the writing staff.) Back to the storms, there have just been a bunch of storms running through town and spawning the occasional tornado. Since moving out here I’ve come to the realization that since this is Kansas (or at least spitting distance to Kansas) and tornadoes should be taken really seriously. This still causes me some difficulty.

First of all the weather people advise me to go to my “safe place.” As a general rule, I really don’t need the guy in the bad suit giving me the exact same advice that my therapist does. Plus, my safe place is typically a bar so that might not exactly be the best location to place myself in. Anyway, the official rules are that I should go to the basement. That’s another slight problem since I live in an apartment. Oh, and the building doesn’t have a basement in the first place. This makes heading to the bar seem like a more logical choice. Finally, we had a ton of hail in town, which meant that we had to breakout the unofficial hail measuring system of using whatever sports reference that is available. It is one of those oddly accepted institutions that hail is either golf ball sized or baseball sized or in that rare instance, racquet ball sized. No one can explain why, it’s like explaining why a group of crows is called a murder or a bunch of rooks is called a parliament.

(Luckily, the weather cleared up for the release of the NCAA brackets. Duke’s got a pretty decent road, though it will all depend on whether or not they have any legs left. Illinois got screwed down to a four seed and a run in with Connecticut looming. I’ll give my analysis later in the week.)

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Neville Brothers “All My Relations”
2) The New Pornographers “Twin Cinema”
3) Soul Asylum “Grave Dancers Union”
4) Keb’ Mo’ “Just Like You”
5) Sheryl Crow “Tuesday Night Music Club”

Where's DJ Drew when you need him...

This will be an interesting post as I’ve just returned from a very successful Poker Night. Yes, I finally won again after what was probably a year drought. Played some really good poker, made some tough but correct calls, and got lucky when I needed to. See, this positive attitude stuff is working out already. But this does mean another late night and that means another trek into the Infrequently Asked Questions vault…

Q: “Every once in a while you’ll make mention of a place called The Backer. It’s even listed in your profile. What the hell is The Backer?”

A: Ah, the Backer. There are two answers to the above question, one straightforward and the other realistic.

Answer 1: The Backer stands for The Linebacker Lounge, which has stood across from the Notre Dame campus since 1962. It’s a college bar in that it has more Notre Dame memorabilia per square inch than any other place in town and that it serves alcohol. It’s called The Backer because ND students need to save every syllable for use in more important matters, like saving the world.

Of course calling The Backer a bar is like calling the Sistine Chapel “A really nice ceiling”. It’s technically correct but it misses the entire point.

So this leads us to Answer 2: The Backer is a mystical place where almost anything can happen. Actually, if you include the parking lot then it is a place where absolutely anything can happen and I’m living proof of that one. No one would believe that story if I tried to tell it. But what makes the place is this combination of location, style, staff and clientele.

The place really was a block from my apartment, which meant that I would just saunter across the parking lot and be at the bar. And when you became a regular you were a regular. Donna, in her classic style, started to put my beer on the bar when she saw me walking through the window. Seriously, I didn’t even have to break stride when I walked into the place, there’d be a Miller Lite on the bar waiting for me. And it was important not to break stride because you were immediately going towards a group of friends who were already there. The fun thing is you never called anyone to go there, you never set up plans to meet there, it was just a given that someone would be there. This led to one of my favorite sayings about my group of friends, “We only have a couple of rules. In case of emergency, we all meet at the Backer. Also, if the sun sets in the west we all meet at the Backer. And if the day ends in a Y we all meet at the Backer.”

Like most bars, the staff is what makes it great. It wasn’t that they served us or gave us the occasional free round, it was that they truly became some of our best friends. I mean, Donna and Joey have been invited to several MBA weddings and if I could ever get my act together in that regard they’d be invited to mine. They are just some of the best people that you could ever meet.

But here is why I continually mention the place. Sure, there are stories galore to tell about my time there (and heck, we could fill a book with the stories of my last few months in the place) but what it really represents is a perfect moment in time. Just the fact that I could walk over on a Wednesday night, know that I didn’t have class until three in the afternoon the next day, and step into a bar and see that ninety percent of the people there were my friends was just awesome. It didn’t matter what we talked about or what we did, if the focus was on setting the high score on the trivia machine or reinventing myself with the help of an entire cadre of consultants, all that mattered was that you were surrounded by the coolest, smartest, funniest people you had ever known. Erik was always great at grabbing me at times and saying, “Take a mental picture EC” and I do have a great mental scrapbook from that time. But man, what I wouldn’t give to just have that experience once more.

Have a good weekend everbody. Go Illini.

Rollin' rollin' rollin'...

One of the hard and fast rules of this blog has always been that I never talk about work. A lot of people have found that strange; you would think that the place that takes up a good third of my life would get a lot more focus. Instead I’ve tried to put it to the side since a) my life really does revolve around spreadsheets and the only thing more boring than reading about spreadsheets is writing about them, b) there typically isn’t anything to write about that wouldn’t take a long setup to even explain and c) it’s a company that no one would ever claim has a good sense of humor. But two things have occurred that will make me grant a one day waiver to the rule. The first is that I’ve made 350 posts and they haven’t fired me yet, so I think that I might have some leeway here. The other is that it is physically impossible for me not to write on the following subject. (Oh, and it was requested as well so at least I have someone to blame if this goes horribly wrong.)

I work for a large corporation. A massively large corporation. On Tuesday I timed it and it took me fifteen minutes from the moment that I entered company property to when I stepped into my cubicle. So hopefully that gives you a sense of scale. Obviously, like most offices we have a security staff who for the most part have been very good natured and gracious, especially given that most of their job responsibilities are signing in visitors and dealing with employees who have forgotten their ID badge. Heck, one went above and beyond the call when Maggie actually dropped her CD off at the security desk for me and he was able to track me down and give it to me. All of this is to give the next bit a little more context.

Last week while walking between buildings to go to a meeting I ran into one of the security guys and he was riding a Segway. You know what a Segway is, one of those motorized standing scooters that were developed to revolutionize the way people get hit by cars. I didn’t know quite what to make of it as I hustled to my meeting, I just assumed that I had a really late night the night before and was imagining things. Nope, not the case as on the internal website we are proudly stating that we are using Segways for the security staff. In the blurb they mentioned what might be the single most amazing statement that I’ve seen in a corporate document. One of the main reasons behind this was for “improved crowd control.”

Yes, I work in an office where there is a serious discussion as to how to best manage crowd control. Apparently, there are near daily riots that I am not aware of that need to be put down before a large portion of Kansas erupts into a state of near chaos. And the best, no may I be so bold as to state the only, way to keep the situation under control is to put a guy with a bicycle helmet on an oversized scooter and have him zoom around the sidewalk. I bet that there were meetings held to discuss this very scenario. Sometimes I just have to shake my head, wonder what the hell they put in the water in Kansas, and then remind myself to only drink bottled water from now on.

Ok, switching topics I have one last Oscar story (other than if you go to Youtube.com you can pull up a clip of Tom Hanks swearing at the orchestra for playing the Forrest Gump theme as he takes the stage to hand out Best Director.) There is one film that was definitely, definitely screwed over in the entire Oscar process. They didn’t get nominated and this astounds me. I am talking, of course, of the complete and utter oversight of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for Best Adapted Screenplay. How did this not get nominated? Do you know how bloody difficult it must be to write a full movie around a magical pair of jeans? You try it, I bet that at about the fifteen minute mark you’d go “This entire thing is insane” and give up. But did they? No, they went through and finished an entire motion picture in which the entire plot hinges on denim. Where’s the props for that?

Rodeo clowns...

You know, I am now at the point where I have Post-It notes filled with topics that I want to cover in the blog. Sadly, what that means is that tonight I have many more topics than I have time (and given that I’ve already spent most of the night writing I’m pretty tired to boot) so some things are going to have to wait. But I will reveal the movie that got completely screwed over at the Oscars as well as a discussion on Segways that will, well, possibly affect my very existence. You’ll just have to tune in tomorrow to find out.

1) A few weeks ago I talked about some of the spam emails that I receive. Including the ones that invite me to play bingo. They’re at it again but this time the subject line reads “Play bingo just for the fun of it without risk.” Yes, I can now play risk-free bingo because I was previously…I was previously frightened of suffering a career ending injury? Blowing out a knee? What the hell risk is involved in playing bingo? Please don’t tell me that this is financial risk since that implies that there are people who are losing their life savings playing bingo. You know, I’m probably sure that has happened and that both amazes and saddens me. I mean, you are gambling on a random number generator and that is silly. And this is coming from a guy who has now lost money on the coin toss at the Super Bowl for three consecutive years.

2) Everyone knows that most of my life is spent attending concerts and that means that I have built up quite a transaction history with Ticketmaster. I have intentionally not calculated how much I have spent on Ticketmaster fees since it would equal a really nice vacation by now. Anyway, one would think that given that they know every concert I’ve attended over the past three years they could put together this nice predictive modeling program suggesting which events I would be most interested in. You know, even offer me pre-sales since I am such a loyal customer. That would be sensible.

But this is Ticketmaster, the people who I swear will be first against the wall when the revolution comes, so that is impossible. Instead I’ve been offered a chance at a special auction to get VIP passes to the Pro Bull Riders rodeo that is coming to Kemper soon. Yes, I could be the lucky recipient of backstage passes to a rodeo. This would easily trump my getting a date just by going “You, me, Air Supply” because large animals and chaps are an unbeatable combination.

What I want to know is how in the world did they decide that I fit the bill for this event? I’ve bought tickets to Sleater-Kinney and Social Distortion and there sure weren’t many cowboy hats in those crowds. Hell, I’ve seen Ani DiFranco twice and that really does not have a strong correlation with attraction to calf roping events. (Wait a minute, I’ve seen Ani twice? Can someone explain to me how that happened again? Did it involve Absinthe?) The only other thing that Ticketmaster selected that was worse was offering me a chance to meet Kenny Chesney backstage. I don’t want to pay to meet the guy. If it was “Win a chance to knee Kenny Chesney in the groin” I’d be a bit more interested but maybe not even then.

3) As was all over the news today, Yanni was arrested on a domestic abuse charge. You know, typically I am strongly opposed to capital punishment but in this case I might be willing to make an exception. Or at least change the charge from domestic abuse to crimes against humanity because lord knows he caused more damage with crappy synthesizer music than most people can even comprehend.

Buying fame...

Lots of topics tonight, several of which I’ve been waiting a week to fully discuss. Here they go…

1) Saw a news article last week that Bjorn Borg is going to be auctioning off his Wimbledon trophies. See, this is why I wish I won Powerball because I would be all over this in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t do anything special with them, you would just be walking around my apartment and randomly run into a Wimbledon trophy. They would be the ultimate conversation starter. “Wait a minute, you won Wimbledon?” “Yeah, that was one great July.”

2) As Super will point out, the reason Borg has to sell off his trophies was because he made some horrible financial decisions and ended up going bankrupt. One of those financial decisions was to create his own fashion line. Now, this may just be my MBA talking, but when your most memorable fashion decision is wearing a headband odds are fashion design is not your preferred entrepreneurial avenue. That said, whichever Wilson brother borrowed the look for The Royal Tennenbaums looked stylish in doing so.

3) As I had hoped, the Sex Pistols have declined to appear at their own Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction basically calling it a bunch of crap. Which is a pretty good description of the monstrosity in Cleveland, all they’ve done is honor a bunch of people that the editors of Rolling Stone like and no one has ever considered Rolling Stone to be the home of critical expertise. Plus, this gives back to the Pistols a little bit more of their punk cred that they lost when they went on the Filthy Lucre tour. Actually, selling out and admitting that you’ve sold out and even declaring it in the title of your tour is a rather punk rock thing to do.

4) Went to see The Iguanas on Saturday night in what can be conservatively called a biker bar. It was a very odd feeling, I was seeing a band I’ve watched for a decade and I felt really out of place. Let’s just say that I wasn’t in the target demographic. Anyway, talked to one of the guys in the band between sets and he saw that I was wearing one of my old Jazz Fest shirts and he asked if I was coming down this year. Actually he went, “We need you down here, man.” That pretty much settles whether it is time for me to head down there for a visit or not, when the bands I like are saying you need to be here I’ll listen.

5) Ok, Ted let Victoria go? Dude, my life just took another turn for the worse. Or at least the televised version of my life. I really think that this is a case where they wrote the episodes without knowing just how well a character would turn out because she was just a great addition to the show. But with her there then Robin really doesn’t have anything to do except be upset and since she’s still in the title credits we have to get Ted and Robin together eventually. Still, I can’t remember a sitcom that had me this engrossed before, including wondering whether I should go and pick up a four thousand dollar suit. I want to know what that type of suit does for you, it should like, come with its own laptop or something.

6) Last note, I have to give a huge congrats to the favored band of Battling the Current: The Frames. For those of you who have Battling the Current Volume 1, these are the guys with the blistering live version of God Bless Mom. Anyway, in the latest issue of Esquire they were declared “Best Import” with the following statement “Your first Frames record might just restore your faith in music; virtually every tune across five albums sounds not just anthemic but important. They deserve to be your new favorite band. Guaranteed.” Seriously, these guys are so worth a listen.

Oscar Blog 2006

6:50 P.M.: Coming to you live from the Media Center at EC Manor it is time for Oscar Blog 2006. Commentating tonight will be myself and… well, it’s just me again. Dude, my parties suck.

6:51 P.M.: Ok, you know the drill, I’m going to watch the Oscars and comment as things go along. As opposed to last year I don’t have as much of a rooting interest in this year’s ceremonies, other than in Best Song. This means probably a lot more mean spirited comments on how rich people dress. Plus, it is the Oscars and as Richard Roeper wrote earlier this week, “You have to admit that the Oscars are just a Little League awards banquet on steroids. What they are doing is giving prizes for pretending better than other people pretend.”

6:53 P.M.: Wow, Chris Connelly is still alive. Now if we find Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren we can have a whole MTV News reunion. Actually, what did happen to Tabitha Soren? Was I the only one who was really into her in college?

7:02 P.M.: Ok, solid opening about choosing an Oscar host. Still, at least they weren’t down to choosing Howie Mandel. And I like Jon Stewart so I’m pulling for him tonight.

7:08 P.M.: Jack Nicholson is in traditional front row seat this year. He doesn’t have to actually appear in any films, or at least any good films, just show up, go “I’m Jack”, and he’s escorted to the front.

7:10 P.M.: What does Charlize Theron have on her shoulder? A boombox? That is not looking good at all.

7:18 P.M.: I’m pulling for George Clooney, if only for the potential Facts of Life shoutout. And he actually wins! Come on, please yell “Tootie this one’s for you.” It will make my life complete. Really good acceptance speech.

7:26 P.M.: See, Tom Hanks thanked Hooch. It’s not unprecedented.

7:31 P.M.: Did the orchestra just play Reese Witherspoon on with an upbeat version of Ring of Fire? There is no such thing as an upbeat version of that song.

7:32 P.M.: Wallace and Grommit won, which is cool since what they do is so incredibly difficult. Plus, Howl’s Moving Castle doesn’t match up to Miyzaki’s best work with Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away. And yes, for those of you who wonder what Princess Mononoke is on my profile, it is this brilliant anime film that should be required viewing.

7:36 P.M.: Did Dolly Parton just give a shout out to Dollywood? Now that is a businesswoman for you.

7:50 P.M.: I love the tradition of having animated characters give out the animation awards. Completely meaningless use of technology though this year we get the “Why the hell doesn’t Donald Duck wear pants?” issue. Plus, he wears a sailor suit and hangs out with his “nephews”. Once we address this hopefully we can get to the “What the hell is Goofy anyway?”

7:52 P.M.: So we are giving a shout out to biography in films? Ok, this is your typical award show filler but do we have to perpetuate the myth of Jim Morrison being famous and worth remembering. Please, no more Doors references. This would be like twenty years from now there being movies made about INXS.

8:01 P.M.: The scientific and technical awards! My favorite awards since they are the only ones that I might still have a chance of winning (I’d be really hard pressed to pull off a screenwriting award). Plus, I love the fact that they have the hot actress at the time host the show since let’s be honest, it’s not like guys like me will have many other chances of meeting Rachel McAdams.

8:05 P.M.: Who would have thought that Michelle Williams would have been the cast member from Dawson’s Creek to get an Oscar nomination? She’s looking darn good tonight, which is something that I would not have anticipated based on Dawson’s Creek either. Rachel Weisz takes home Supporting Actress, which is nice. She’s a good actress and deserves the recognition.

8:12 P.M.: Lauren Bacall lost her last chance at an Oscar to the brilliant Juliette Binoche, one of the regulars on my perfect mate list. I just mentioned that because I want people to remember Juliette Binoche. She did introduce the tribute to Flim Noir, which is one of my favorite film styles ever. Any style that just consists of Bogart being a bad ass, great dialogue and the occasional Robert Mitchum rampage is high on my list.

8:21 P.M.: I’m going with the idea that Charlize’s dress comes with its own pillow. Documentary film is one of the best categories of this year. March of the Penguins wins, which is a popular choice, but you really owe it to yourself to see Enron (especially if you work in any type of corporate environment) and Murderball (to see that there is nothing in life that can set you back without your own consent).

8:24 P.M.: We just introduced Jennifer Lopez as an actress. That is really stretching the definition of that term.

8:33 P.M.: Ok, who decided to pair Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves as presenters? Are we supposed to have some great memories of Speed arise to make our lives more complete? And do we really need to listen to Keanu Reeves read off a teleprompter with so little emotion they might as well be using a Speak and Spell?

8:41 P.M.: You know what I miss from the Oscar ceremomy? What happened to the three minute discussion of how the voting process occurs including the introduction of the accounting firm that tracks the voting? That was some of the best television of the year as they were forced to make accounting look glamorous.

8:57 P.M.: I see that the Oscars are still in the “Please go to the movies mode.” Like the epic majesty of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo cannot be fully appreciated on DVD. I do like the fact that Jon Stewart has called out the fact that there has just been a boatload of montages this year. And we still haven’t gotten to the “In Memoriam” montage.

9:13 P.M.: It is really good to see Robert Altman getting an honorary Oscar. When I first started to get really into movies from an artistic standpoint (as opposed to the see the big shoot ‘em up, big sex ‘em up films) two of the films that I watched were The Player and Short Cuts. Both just seemed to explain that you could do more with film than just tell a story from A to Z . That’s when it really started to dawn on me that there is much more you can do with a medium than what everyone else does.

9:18 P.M.: Ludacris is a presenter? Well, that is cool. And this does lead to my favorite moment of the night since the Three 6 Mafia is in the hiz-ouse. Yes, I am the whitest person in existence to ever utter that phrase. But do we need the interpretive dancers in this performance? We never get those during the annual Randy Newman song.

9:23 P.M.: Yes! It’s Hard Out Here For a Pimp won for Best Song! After years of having Phil Collins and Aerosmith take home friggin Oscars (and for crying out loud, Counting Crows was nominated last year) we get the Three 6 Mafia winning one. Man, this is why I watch these things. Plus, this song just confirms what the Godfather said all those years ago, “Pimpin ain’t easy.”

9:34 P.M.: We have the traditional In Memoriam segment. Very glad to see a mention of Fayrad Nicholas, who ninety nine percent of the people in the world have never heard of but if you have ever seen tape of the Nicholas Brothers you will be amazed that human beings could do some of the things that they did. But the Memoriam segment is still this weird “Let’s see who can get the most applause” moment in which the director of The Sound of Music loses out to Mr. Miyagi.

9:47 P.M.: Best Actor goes to Phillip Seymour Hoffman in another deserving award. Just watching clips of him doing Capote shows him really embracing the role as opposed to just become a caricature of Capote, which is really easy because Capote became a caricature of Capote in his later years. Plus, he is one of those actors who has been in great roles for about the past decade without anyone noticing while we are subjected to leading men like Vin Diesel in The Pacifier.

9:50 P.M.: I’ve got to say this again, Michelle Williams is in the front row and looks damn good in that dress. I mean, seriously, she is stealing the show by just sitting there. I believe that we can officially state that I am smitten.

9:55 P.M.: John Travolta is a two-time Academy Award nominee? When the hell did that happen? Pulp Fiction I understand. What was the other one for? Did he actually get nominated for Saturday Night Fever? Or Staying Alive?

9:59 P.M.: It’s Best Actress time. For the record, all you need to do to get nominated is to appear in a Jane Austen film. I think it’s a law or something. Reese Witherspoon wins for playing June Carter Cash. Big win for her and she is one of those actresses who has gone from playing high school students in Election to being a comedy star to really being a legitimate actress. Not a path that you see the American Pie stars following. (But I want to cheer Felicity Huffman for getting nominated. Any time one of the stars of Sports Night does something well it should be noted.)

10:07 P.M.: Ok, my local news report just said that there is a Guinness flavored ice cream. I’m…I’m…I’m probably never going to leave the house now. Especially once I get banned from Baskin-Robbins.

10:10 P.M.: Maybe I might have a shot at Screenplay someday. I’ve never actually learned how to write in that manner though given that I now write a lot of dialogue I might be able to do it. It might take twenty years but Affleck and Damon won in this category so it can’t be too difficult.

10:20 P.M.: Note to Ang Lee: Just because we’ve given you an Oscar doesn’t mean that we’ve forgotten about The Hulk. How could you screw up that franchise? It’s The Hulk. He’s big, he's green and he breaks stuff. It is not a challenge to make a film under that premise.

10:23 P.M.: And in a minor upset, Crash wins Best Picture. Well, actually, it was the underdog for a while but in the past week a lot of people thought that it would win. Still, lots of positives here. A film released earlier in the year wins the Oscar. Plus, always good to see a meaningful film win. A really good night overall for the Oscars.

The five random CDs of the week:
1) The Iguanas “Sugar Town”
2) Chris Mills “Every Night Fight For Your Life”
3) Blake Babies “God Bless the Blake Babies”
4) Caitlin Cary “While You Weren’t Looking”
5) The Sundays “reading, writing and arithmetic”

Giving up negativity continued...

Ok, I want to discuss the excellent comment that was posted to my Mardi Gras entry on my giving up negativity. I’ll agree that removing negativity is difficult but if there is one thing that I don’t want to have happen is suffer from malaise and just be one of those people who sits around going “Life sucks, oh well.” I know that there are people out there going, “But EC, you do that all the time.” Agreed and that is what I am wanting to fix because that is not living, that’s just existing. It’s the easy way out and maybe it is a little less risky but it’s dumb. I’d much rather be angry and upset and doing something than being resigned to my existence.

With that I am very happy with the suggestion of doing volunteer work since I have seriously been thinking about that the past couple of weeks and I consider that to be number three on my list of things I have to do now. I feel like I’m just talking a good game in a number of aspects but I’m not doing anything. There are charities that I support financially, which are ones that are close to my heart, but that is a really simple action. Given that I don’t even balance my checkbook you could probably call it meaningless, which is a horrible thing to say. I really feel a need to start doing something. I’m not sure what but I have to start making an impact on the world again.

The other thing is that when I talk about removing negativity I do not mean becoming a Pollyanna and going around saying “Life is beautiful, isn’t everything perfect?” Those are the people who drive me nuts at concerts and make me wish that Jerry Garcia was never born. This world isn’t perfect. The world is warming at an alarming degree. Polar bears might really be extinct by the end of the century due to the melting of the ice caps. We have a president who doesn’t read, believes in intelligent design, and cannot complete a sentence without stumbling. There are a lot of things that need to be fixed and being positive does not mean ignoring the issues.

What it means is more along the lines of my old “No worries” persona. Those of you who have spent a large amount of time with me at a bar will have inevitably hear me use the phrase “no worries” whenever anyone asks me for anything. It’s a byproduct of having spent a lot of time in bars with Australians and Kiwis in my youth. The thing is, I’ve had people get upset with me for always saying it. They took it as my meaning that life is perfect and go about without a care. I don’t mean it that way. If anything, what I’m trying to do is what my buddy Ivey once asked me to do. I was stressing out about something for school and we ended up having the following conversation

“Chris, if you fail, will you die?”
“No.”
“Will they kick you out of school?”
“No.”
“Is there anything that can happen that you can’t handle?”
“No.”
“Then why are you stressing? Do your best and know that whatever happens you can deal with then.”

That’s the point I want to get to. As tough as a situation might get, as much stress that I can accumulate, to just have the ability to go, “Well, odds are I won’t die so really this isn’t that big of a deal.” Just laugh it off and have the confidence to say that whatever happens in life, I have the ability to handle it.

(Oh, since I listed volunteering as the third thing on my list I bet you’re wondering what the first thing is. That will of course be buying shirts from www.starzantees.com. Yes, be a year ahead of the fashion curve (five years if you live in Kansas) and help out a long time friend of the blog.)

(One last bit since what I just wrote wasn’t what I originally planned to write tonight. Since I know that there are people reading this who do not know my entire life story I figured that I should help explain some of the references that continually make their way into my writing. Consider it my Infrequently Asked Questions list. Feel free to ask anything you like. Here is a start.

Q: What does EC actually mean?
A: EC stands for Engineer Chris. Who originally coined the term I’m not sure but it was given to me in business school and by the end of my time there it was my approved nickname and I’m cool with that. I use it in the blog because I like using a pen name and I have a very unique last name that I really don’t want to have plastered over the interweb. Basically, when I write as EC I can sometimes give myself a little more distance and write something that Christopher would not write because he would worry about the consequences. It’s strange but it really works.)

Feels like a full moon

Duke lost to Florida State? Duke lost to friggin Florida State? I…I…I picked the wrong night to give up negativity.

Ok, it is extremely late so I am going to try to make this a very quick post. I will comment on the comments later, right now I just want to explain just how odd my evening has been. Left work and driving home saw a very large cloud of smoke in the distance ahead of me. I immediately knew that a) something was on fire and b) whatever it is was pretty big. There is a c) in that it caused traffic to be horrible but that really is a lesser topic since what was burning was Old Overland Park, the only part of the town that made it feel like a place and not like one large strip mall. But I was able to make it home, right when fire trucks started swarming past me and pulling up two blocks from my apartment.

Yes, after passing one fire had another one apparently start within shouting distance from my apartment. No idea what happened there, other than they closed the roads and that made getting around quite a challenge. And I had to get around because after going to church I headed off to Lawrence to catch a show. (This shows how completely out of sorts I was, I never go home when I’m going to Lawrence since this adds about an hour of commute time to my evening). Make it to the show right when the opening act starts and she was, well, not awful but after two songs I was reaching for the fast forward button.

This got me to the co-headliner: Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers. Except that Stephen had the stomach flu and couldn’t perform. But the Sixers said the show must go on, even if they were down a guitarist and simply had one of their buddies sitting in for this part of the tour. So, we have a band without a frontman and with a replacement guitarist trying to play a set, which means that the bassist and the drummer have to trade off lead vocals. That’s a challenge since they sing harmony and don’t actually know the words to the songs. It was like watching people sing karaoke poorly to songs you’ve never heard of. I’ll admit, even they were laughing about it but it was just off the charts.

At least I did get to see Pat McGee, though he seemed to be a little bit off as well. This may have had to do with the fact that there was absolutely no crowd there, probably because it was KU senior night. His set just wasn’t really doing anything for me and I like a lot of his stuff. I hate to say this but I may have been better off seeing him when he opened for Hanson last year. And even with all the shows that I see even I have limits.