Yes, it’s a Saturday Night Special Edition! First things first, I haven’t written about Head of the Class yet? I have a running feature called “Forgotten Television Shows” and I haven’t delved into the character of Arvid yet? Hell, given that I look the way that I do and my tendency to run math problems as a way to relax how in the world have I not written about Arvid? Ok, tomorrow’s topic is going to be really simple.
But that is tomorrow and this is tonight. I was checking out Barney’s Blog at http://www.cbs.com he has posted the brackets for his annual Hottest Chick competition. And given that I can’t see a set of brackets without offering my opinion here is my view of the competition. Have to admit that Barney has put together some really challenging matchups. (And yes, I realize that he is technically a fictional character. The thing is, I’ve had these arguments at two in the morning on numerous occasions and for that Barney gains entry into the “essentially real” category).
Here we go. Those of you who are easily offended, well, you probably never should have been reading the blog in the first place. And yeah, I’m probably going to hell for what I’ve written here.
Obvious Chicks Bracket:
Cheerleader vs. Lebanese Girl: Yes, I know that in the show parlance Lebanese Girls are supposed to be the new in thing but it just doesn’t work for me. I’ll go with the walking cliché and go with the Cheerleader in a walkover.
Porn Star vs. Alien Chick: This is a rather tough call. I mean, my basis for Alien Chick is Natasha Henstridge in Species and Kim Bassinger in My Stepmother is an Alien. Overall, that is a pretty good combination, though Natasha did have that tendency to viciously kill people and that is a little bit of a turn off. Porn Star sounds a lot better than it actually is and given the large amount of really bad tattoos amongst porn stars (or at least, so I’ve been told) I am going to have to go with Alien Chick. Especially with the possibility that Sigourney Weaver from Alien may appear at any moment.
Obvious Chicks Final: Cheerleader vs. Alien Chick: You know, in real life I’ve had just about as much luck getting aliens to go out with me as I have with cheerleaders. In fact, things have gone better with extraterrestrials. So I’m going with Alien Chick in an upset.
Cliché Chicks Bracket:
Catholic Schoolgirl vs. Farmer’s Daughter: Having spent more time in Kansas than any reasonable human being ever should (barring someone serving time in Leavenworth), I’ll have to say that Farmer’s Daughters are highly overrated. Most people would say, “But they’re corn fed”, which is also something you state about cattle. Got to go with the Catholic Schoolgirl
H.S. Lacrosse Champ. Vs. Convict: Is this even a contest? The Lacrosse Champ in a second.
Cliché Chicks Final: Catholic Schoolgirl vs. H.S. Lacrosse Champ: You know, I also went through a lot of Catholic school, which means that the schoolgirl look reminds me of a time when I was a pimply faced geek. Ok, so does looking at a mirror but stay with me here. And while I never hung out with any women’s lacrosse players I knew a bunch of girls who played rugby in college and they were an incredibly fun bunch. The Lacrosse wins the battle of clichés.
Taboo Chicks Bracket:
Freshly 18 vs. Distant but Hot Cousin: Can we just have a double disqualification here? Freshly 18 was cool when I was younger but now I’m the Matthew McConaughey character in Dazed and Confused, it just went from exciting to disturbing. And Distant but Hot Cousin is just bad. So, since I view this like a pro wrestling tournament we will just call this a double count out.
Mute Chick vs. Taller Than You: Hey, did I ever mention the time in college when one of my friends was trying to set me up on a blind date with a girl who was legally blind? I’m not kidding. It was the only time in my life where I was unable to handle the irony of the situation. That has nothing to do with this but I just wanted to mention it. I’m going with the girl who is Taller than Me since a) I ran into one at the airport a few months ago and she was really cool and b) given my height this means that I might be actually able to get my kids a D-1 basketball scholarship.
Easy Chicks Bracket:
Grieving Widow vs. Funny Chick: I know that I always complain about the fact that women say that they are looking for Sense of Humor, which I’ve always taken to mean that that Brad Pitt dude must be freaking hilarious. However, I sure as hell look for someone who laughs so I’m going with the Funny Chick. Especially if it’s a funny art student.
Island Native vs. Librarian: In the movie Party Girl, Parker Posey played a Librarian Assistant. ‘Nuff Said.
Easy Chicks Final: Funny Chick vs. Librarian: Got to go with the Funny Chick here. Look, in Reality Bites I liked Jeanenne Garoffolo more than I did Winona Ryder. That says a lot about me.
Semi-Finals:
Alien Chick vs. H. S. Lacrosse Champ.: Natasha Henstridge was also in this incredibly dumb but brilliant show called She Spies, which revolved around three female, model level beautiful, convicts turned government agents. The show even admitted that this is the dumbest premise this side of Snakes on a Plane. Somehow, that factors into the equation of taking the Alien Chick here. Honestly, I have no idea how she makes the title game.
Taller than You vs. Funny Chick: Man, this is a tough call. There really aren’t any downsides here that I can see. In one case, she’ll be able to grab something from a shelf I can’t reach. In the other, she’d probably be a better writer and wittier than I am. To be honest, I’d rather be with someone who can makes me laugh over someone who will be blocking my jump shot so the Funny Chick makes it to the finals.
Championship Matchup:
Alien Chick vs. Funny Chick: Not really a match-up here. If we have learned anything from popular culture it is that if you go out with an alien you will have something come bursting out of your chest. And didn’t Steve Guttenberg date an alien in Cocoon? There is no way in which following in the footsteps of Steve Guttenberg is a good idea and like I’ve said, funny is attractive. So the Funny Chick takes it all.
Final Comments: There were a couple of people missing from this bracket that would have greatly changed things in my mind. First, where is the art student? Or at least the Goth girl? Second, the girl who plays guitar has to make the cut at some level. You become immensely more attractive the moment you step on stage. And finally, no English Majors? How can that happen? Guess Barney’s tastes and my own don’t match up exactly.
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