It’s tournament time again and this year I am going to break down all 32 first round games for you. Now I’ll state up front that I watched less college basketball this year than I have in any year since I was probably seven years old. When your alma mater a) makes the NIT and b) can’t play a home game because Cirque du Soleil has reserved the arena that night you begin to dread watching basketball. Still, I feel more than qualified to comment on the games. I’ll start with the Midwest bracket.
(Oh yes, we are back to having directional regions now as opposed to the whole “Atlanta bracket” experiment that everyone hated.)
Kansas vs. Lehigh: I hate Bill Self and his damn toupee. If I could take a lighter to that thing I would. Given that I had to be held back at a Royals game from showing my Illini / White Sox pride and taking him down while he was standing on the first base line I think you can say that I have some strong emotions here. Basically all Lehigh has going for them here is the nickname Mountain Hawks and that is counteracted by Kansas having a guy named Morningstar coming off their bench. Go with the team where evil lurks on the bench in Kansas.
UNLV vs. Northern Iowa: Why precisely do we need a Northern Iowa? I understand how we can have an Iowa and maybe even an Iowa State but after that is there really any need for additional schools in Iowa? I’ve driven through the state a few times and I really haven’t seen the need for them. With Lon Kruger at the helm UNLV will probably be facing NCAA sanctions by halftime so I’ll have to go with directional Iowa.
Michigan State vs. New Mexico State: On paper this looks like one of those first round games that the Big Ten always loses. Underachieving Big Ten team versus underrated mid-major. The thing is Michigan State tends to play well in the tournament and they made the championship game last year. Also, without Lou Henson at the helm I don’t think we can cheer for New Mexico State. They should wheel him out on the sidelines at all times.
Maryland vs. Houston: Over under on when Gary Williams sweats through his jacket: First television timeout. This game consists of two teams that do nothing but run so it might be one of the most interesting games in the tournament. Houston did one of those miracle conference tournament runs to get into the dance which means that they either a) have a ton of momentum or b) are dead tired and have already peaked. I’m going with the latter though it will be close.
Tennessee vs. San Diego State: Wow, the Midwest bracket should just be called “Coaches I hate.” Seriously, Bruce Pearl resulted in my having to sit through four wretched years of Illinois basketball where we had to convince ourselves that Tommy Michael was a legitimate Big 10 player. I know nothing about San Diego State other than Marshall Faulk went there but I’m picking them just out of pure spite.
Georgetown vs. Ohio: This is the other Ohio for those wondering, not the one that for some reason needs to be referred to as “The”. Ohio also couldn’t even have a winning record in the MAC while Georgetown held their own in the Big East. Personally, I would like Georgetown to require either a) have all their players wear grey t-shirts under their jerseys like Patrick Ewing or b) require one player on their team to change his name to Michael Jackson every year just to remind us of the old days. Georgetown in a walk.
Oklahoma State vs. Georgia Tech: Now that I’ve left Kansas City I no longer have to listen to sports radio in which the announcers truly believe that anyone gives a shit about the Big 12. No one does, seriously. People in Oklahoma don’t even care about Oklahoma State basketball. Unless Bryant Reeves comes back can we just say Georgia Tech won by five and get it over with? We don’t really need to waste television time on this one.
Ohio State vs. UC Santa Barbara: Ohio State: it’s like Ohio but with a “duh” in front of it. This UC school is the Gauchos, which is the second best nickname amongst the UC schools behind the Banana Slugs. Ohio State won the Big Ten tournament while playing some incredibly crappy basketball. Imagine what they will do when they start caring, which is lose in the Sweet Sixteen but that is getting ahead of ourselves.
And over in the East Region…
Kentucky vs. East Tennessee State: I really want to take East Tennessee State here. Not because they are going to win the game, John Wall is going to run right over them, but because in three years all of Kentucky’s wins from this season will be stripped due to recruiting violations. So I am going to call the upset that will occur on a technicality some point in the future. Watch John Wall now before he gets stuck playing for the Nets for the next three years.
Texas vs. Wake Forest: I’ve always like Texas’ basketball uniforms. For some reason the color just really works well. Sadly the team doesn’t as they somehow started 17-0 and finished 7-9. I have probably lost more money on Wake Forest than any other team in college basketball. I believe that I picked them to make the Final Four every year that Tim Duncan played and even one where he didn’t and lost money every time. Damnit, I’m still going to pick them to win. Bastards have to help me out eventually.
Temple vs. Cornell: This is another one of those games that I would really like to watch just because it is going to be so technically sound. This will be like bizarro world to any NBA game as it will consist entirely of passing, back door cuts and screens. If it wasn’t for the shot clock the final score would be something like 12 – 10. I know people like Cornell because it is cool to pick an Ivy League school but they just aren’t that good. Certainly not 12 seed good. Temple wins bigger than most people think.
Wisconsin vs. Wofford: Very difficult to pronounce Wofford without sounding like you have a lisp. Also, you expect their team name to be the Wofford Wunnin Webels or something like that instead of Terriers. Wisconsin plays the most boring style of basketball imaginable made only slightly more palatable by the fact that they usually win. Want to watch defense, lots of passing and no shooting? This game is for you. Wisconsin wins in a wout.
Marquette vs. Washington: I was taught the following rules about picking brackets growing up: always pick the Big 10 teams and the catholic schools. Suffice it to say it took me a few years until I figured out that I might actually want to win money one of these years. Still, I’ll keep a soft spot for Marquette against a Pac 10 team that could barely win a Pac 10 tournament that I believe only fielded three teams. Seriously, what the hell happened to the Pac 10? Did UCLA stop playing basketball when I wasn’t looking? Where the hell is Arizona?
New Mexico vs. Montana: (Yes, Arizona is next to New Mexico, I know.) Why this game is in the Midwest and not the West is beyond me. Have to like the Lobos in this one mainly because of their name. They’ll still lose early (probably to Marquette in the second round) but they’ll make it past this one. For those wondering, Montana is coached by Wayne Tinkle. He comes from a long line of Tinkles, tee hee.
Clemson vs. Missouri: It’s a battle of the Tigers and also a battle of two schools whose campuses I have been on. Clemson features orange tiger paws leading up to the football stadium. Missouri features, uh, a line of porn shops off of I-70 as you make your way into Columbia. And these places all look pretty dicey even when you are starting from the fact that they are porn shops. Like you would get a disease by parking in the lot and not getting out of your car. Mizzou is crashing as of late and even though the ACC is hella weak this year I always go with them so onwards Clemson.
West Virginia vs. Morgan State: The Mountaineers features a mascot who not only carries a rifle but actually occasionally fires it. Seems unfair that Morgan State is not allowed to have a bear roam free on the sideline potentially mauling members of the opposition. I’m going with West Virginia solely because I got drunk with one of their assistant coaches one night in Kansas City. It was amazing who you could meet on the stools at Harry’s.
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