April is upon us and that can mean only one thing: the start of baseball season. Out here in Wilmington that means the Delaware Blue Rocks take the field. For my Kansas City friends this is much like watching the Royals play except a) a higher likelihood of seeing the home team win a game and b) a complete lack of a giant Garth Brooks singing “Friends in Low Places.” Also, no fountains. Anyway, the only purpose of watching minor league baseball is for the promotions so let’s see what they have in store for us this season.
Tiger Woods / Celebrity Fall From Grace Night: Because nothing says fun at the old ballpark like celebrity sex scandals. Enter the raffle for a free trip to sex rehab (say hi to Jesse James for us!) Watch as local celebrities Jon and Kate plus their eight field a full softball lineup against the Octomom and her brood. It’s fun for the whole family.
George “The Animal” Steele night: I have two words for you, “fuck” and “yeah”. I am so going to this. When else are you going to get a chance to meet legendary pro wrestler and master of the flying hammerlock George “The Animal” Steele. I am already getting my tongue green in anticipation of this and might even bring a torn turnbuckle cover for him to sign. True story: in reality George Steele was a high school teacher in Detroit. I always wondered what it must have been like to be one of his students.
Mullet Day: Or, as it is known in Delaware, Tuesday.
Cowboy Monkey Rodeo Night: Monkeys in cowboy costumes riding border collies for our amusement. This might the pinnacle of the human race. I mean, I can’t think of a single thing to add to this to make it any better except for the possibility of gambling on the outcome. And before you say how horrible this is for the monkeys remember two things: A) the border collies have it worse and B) we gave them tens of thousands of years to evolve and they didn’t so it is their own fault that they are getting stuffed into a cowboy costume.
Michael Jackson Tribute and Pizza Eating Contest: I am really struggling for a connection here. The best I can come up with is childhood sleepovers and that makes me feel dirty just typing it. Again, I don’t believe that Michael is actually dead. This is just a really elaborate publicity stunt to promote the anniversary of the Thriller video.
Mr. Celery’s 10th Birthday: The mascot of the Delaware Blue Rocks is a large stalk of celery referred to simply as Mr. Celery. This has never been explained to me. To be honest I find the entire concept rather frightening if only because he is the only mascot that I know of who is also edible.
Tribute to Scrapple: In the words of Robbie Fulks “It’s scrapple! Scrapple! The pride of Pennsylvania!” So we’re in the wrong state, sue me. Scrapple is one of those local delicacies made out of random parts of a pig. You can get scrapple sandwiches every night at the stadium. It’s scraptacular. I assume the tribute will be much like Pork Day at Illinois, which is simply an excuse to eat as much of a pig as you possibly can in one afternoon.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Not all of the artists we listened to in the 90’s disappeared. Some are still making really good music. Here is Glen Phillips, formerly of Toad the Wet Sprocket. Give the song a listen.
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