We're on the moon!

Given that tonight is the 40th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing I decided that it would be fitting if I went back, way back, into the Battling the Current archives and reprinted my live blog from that night. So join me friends as we harken back to that wonderful time.

8:58 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current science headquarters for full coverage of men walking on the moon. Holy shit! We’re on the freaking moon! I need to sit down for a moment. And I’m already sitting down.

9:00 P.M.: As usual I will set the ground rules for tonight. I will watch the coverage tonight, along with my partner Robby the Robot, and comment on what I see. The beverage of choice is of course Tang. Remember folks, it is perfectly proper to walk into any grocery store in this great nation of ours and loudly proclaim, “Hey, does anyone know where a guy could get some Tang in this place?”

9:06 P.M.: For those wondering at the moment we have Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin (dude, all astronauts should be required to be named Buzz) on the moon in the lunar module while Michael Collins is orbiting the moon in the command module thus making Michael Collins the biggest footnote in history as the guy who didn’t walk on the moon. I assume that right now he is doing a crossword puzzle wondering how often his name will appear in the future.

9:10 P.M.: Why yes Robby, I also hope that the evil Dr. Smith has not hidden himself onboard the spacecraft in an attempt to sabotage the mission. And no, it doesn’t make sense to me why Dr. Smith would spend so much time with young Will Robinson as opposed to Penny or Judy. It troubles me greatly.

9:19 P.M.: We’re at a lull in the coverage here so I just want to mention that I am on the fence about going to Woodstock this year. I would love to see Sha Na Na (how awesome is Bowser. I mean, you could make an entire sitcom about the antics of a guy wearing a leather jacket and acting cool and having a catchphrase like “Hey…”) but not sure if the rest of the bill is worth it. I’ll probably just go to Altamont instead. Things will be a lot more peaceful out in sunny California.

9:21 P.M.: Dude, the summer of ’69 is going to be so epic. I hope someone writes a song about it. I just had a funny thought. Imagine of the song that memorializes this year the best is written by some loser Canadian guy.

9:25 P.M.: Ok, we just have word that they are about to step out of the capsule. Let’s switch this over to live moon coverage.

9:26 P.M.: Wait a minute. How can we have a live camera on the moon when they haven’t actually stepped foot on the moon yet? Did they climb out, set up the camera, climb back in again and then act like nothing happened?

9:28 P.M.: Here we go. The entire world is focused on a man walking down a ladder. And he’s done it! Neil Armstrong is walking on the moon. Remind me, walking on the moon would be a great title for a modified reggae song by a band whose lead singer would be named Bite or Prick or something.

9:31 P.M.: Correct me if I am wrong here but did Neil just blow his big line? “That is one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” That statement doesn’t make any sense. In that context man and mankind are equivalent so he basically said “That is one small step for man, one giant leap for man.” He should have said, “That is one small step for A man, one giant leap for mankind.” Jeez, we can put a man on the moon but we can’t formulate a sentence correctly.

9:33 P.M.: Think about all of the people out there who have ever said, “I’ll do that when a man walks on the moon.” I have a feeling a few bets are being called in tonight.

9:35 P.M.: Here comes Buzz. Though I can’t see it through his helmet I assume that he is wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette throughout this entire process as all guys named Buzz naturally do. Also, mission control reports that Michael Collins requests assistance on 24 Down.

9:36 P.M.: Is it me or does the moon look surprisingly like Arizona? I swear I can see Phoenix in the background.

9:45 P.M.: I’m just stunned at what I am seeing right now. Just go outside and look at the sky. See the moon? There are two people walking around up there right now. Just think about that for a moment. We put a person from here to there. People think that it is amazing that we can scale Mt. Everest or fly across an ocean. This is just beyond words.

9:50 P.M.: I can’t wait to see where we are in forty years. Flying cars and hoverboards to be sure. Vacations on the moon. Trips to Mars. The possibilities are seemingly endless. It would be a shame if the only major advance in that time period was the creation of a computer network used primarily to look at porn and inform your friends what Peanuts character you most resemble.

9:55 P.M.: Thinking about all of this has given me a great idea for a movie script. How about you have a young farmboy who discover these two robots who lead him to this old hermit who is really this famous warrior. They go off on a journey to save a princess (who is really the farmboy’s sister but I’m not sure if we reveal that right away. Better to have some very strange sexual tension first) aided by a space pirate and his rather large dog. To save the princess they have to battle this evil Man-Bot who in reality is the farmboy’s father but you don’t know that either. In the end they have this huge space battle with amazing sound effects even though space is a vacuum so there wouldn’t be any noises. What do you think?

10:00 P.M.: Ok, I’m calling it a night here. Right now Neil and Buzz are hopping away on the surface and I assume that they will come home to wonderful careers as Bears head coach and surfing instructor respectively. Tomorrow we will discuss the chances for the Cubs to make the World Series this year as they are 24 games over 500 at the moment. I mean, what are the odds that they will collapse and take at least another forty years to go to a World Series? If we can put a man on the moon we could certainly put the Cubs in the Series, right?

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Insiders “Fate in Action”
2) The Flaming Lips “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots”
3) The New Pornographers “Twin Cinema”
4) They Might Be Giants “Flood”
5) Monte Warden “A Stranger to me Now”