Important serious note to start: Thoughts and prayers go out to everyone at Northern Illinois. I’ve spent some time on that campus and know it fairly well. Very scary situation and I only can hope for the best. I have no idea where our society is at when events like this occur. It just doesn’t make sense.
Addendum to last night’s post: First, I’ve posted a picture of Kat from the London season. When I made my first Perfect Mate list (back in 1995 I believe) she came in tenth. She just has that whole Pacific Northwest vibe that I dig. No one remembers her and it is a shame. Also, I would like to change my vote on Best Fight to when Neil had his tongue nearly bitten in half during the London season. For those who don’t remember, Neil was a singer in a British punk band and to deal with a drunk crowd member he started singing directly in the guy’s face causing the guy to bite Neil’s tongue. Now that is a hardcore fight. Also, Neil is up there with Dominic and Lars as the cast members I would most like to have a beer with.
Well it’s that day. The day I dread more than any other. Ok, that’s not quite true. I make a big deal about hating Valentine’s Day but in reality it doesn’t really bug me. At least now I understand why I didn’t get a Valentine’s card today. In grade school it was a bit harsher when those sort of events occurred. Maybe I’ve just been hardened to life or I just enjoy being bitter. It’s a lot more fun to complain about a commercialized expression of feelings than deal with the fact that I’m not in a relationship at the moment.
Does not being in a relationship bother me? Obviously yes or I wouldn’t write about it so much. I am incredibly comfortable in my own skin so I’ve never defined myself by who I’m with, which makes being alone a lot easier to accept. But as someone told me this week, “You’re still hoping to one day come home like Ward Cleaver.” I don’t know if I would put it that way but yeah, I am missing one big facet of my life. I’ve said this before but there are only four things I want in life: a family that loves me, friends that care about me for who I am, respect from those I work with, and a girl to hold on to. That’s really it so missing one is kind of a big deal.
I know most of the fault here lies on me. Despite my claim that “dating me would have to be a positive NPV experience” I’ve been forced to recognize that most women do not run discounted cash flows in analyzing relationships. Nor am I able to predict a woman’s actions through spreadsheet modeling though if I ever get that genius grant I think I can make some great breathroughs in that regard. Those are just issues of my using digital thinking in an analog world. I can fix that. My fear of rejection, of the unknown, of not being fully in control of every possible scenario? That’s a much bigger issue.
But at the end I’d like to think that at my age I’ve come to terms with being who I am. I’m a nice guy who is smart and witty and will occasionally be called an arrogant prick. That’s me. How someone else judges me, whether they like me or not, doesn’t really impact who I am. I’m hoping keeping that in mind will remove the fears. That’s my hope at least.
Still, it is Valentine’s Day and I have the right to be bitter about it. Thus, I’m going to end with the really mislabeled Wednesday Night Music Club selection for the week. Chris Mills is this great guy out of Chicago who would write what would have to be the most bitter breakup songs in all of existence. Pure “I hate my life” songs with lines like “My eyes are blurry, if I had friends they would all be worried, I can’t believe you’re going back to Tennessee, 90 proof ain’t proof enough for me.” I’ll give him the last word for the week.
(Next week: the return of the 43 things. All will be explained in good time.)
Addendum to last night’s post: First, I’ve posted a picture of Kat from the London season. When I made my first Perfect Mate list (back in 1995 I believe) she came in tenth. She just has that whole Pacific Northwest vibe that I dig. No one remembers her and it is a shame. Also, I would like to change my vote on Best Fight to when Neil had his tongue nearly bitten in half during the London season. For those who don’t remember, Neil was a singer in a British punk band and to deal with a drunk crowd member he started singing directly in the guy’s face causing the guy to bite Neil’s tongue. Now that is a hardcore fight. Also, Neil is up there with Dominic and Lars as the cast members I would most like to have a beer with.
Well it’s that day. The day I dread more than any other. Ok, that’s not quite true. I make a big deal about hating Valentine’s Day but in reality it doesn’t really bug me. At least now I understand why I didn’t get a Valentine’s card today. In grade school it was a bit harsher when those sort of events occurred. Maybe I’ve just been hardened to life or I just enjoy being bitter. It’s a lot more fun to complain about a commercialized expression of feelings than deal with the fact that I’m not in a relationship at the moment.
Does not being in a relationship bother me? Obviously yes or I wouldn’t write about it so much. I am incredibly comfortable in my own skin so I’ve never defined myself by who I’m with, which makes being alone a lot easier to accept. But as someone told me this week, “You’re still hoping to one day come home like Ward Cleaver.” I don’t know if I would put it that way but yeah, I am missing one big facet of my life. I’ve said this before but there are only four things I want in life: a family that loves me, friends that care about me for who I am, respect from those I work with, and a girl to hold on to. That’s really it so missing one is kind of a big deal.
I know most of the fault here lies on me. Despite my claim that “dating me would have to be a positive NPV experience” I’ve been forced to recognize that most women do not run discounted cash flows in analyzing relationships. Nor am I able to predict a woman’s actions through spreadsheet modeling though if I ever get that genius grant I think I can make some great breathroughs in that regard. Those are just issues of my using digital thinking in an analog world. I can fix that. My fear of rejection, of the unknown, of not being fully in control of every possible scenario? That’s a much bigger issue.
But at the end I’d like to think that at my age I’ve come to terms with being who I am. I’m a nice guy who is smart and witty and will occasionally be called an arrogant prick. That’s me. How someone else judges me, whether they like me or not, doesn’t really impact who I am. I’m hoping keeping that in mind will remove the fears. That’s my hope at least.
Still, it is Valentine’s Day and I have the right to be bitter about it. Thus, I’m going to end with the really mislabeled Wednesday Night Music Club selection for the week. Chris Mills is this great guy out of Chicago who would write what would have to be the most bitter breakup songs in all of existence. Pure “I hate my life” songs with lines like “My eyes are blurry, if I had friends they would all be worried, I can’t believe you’re going back to Tennessee, 90 proof ain’t proof enough for me.” I’ll give him the last word for the week.
(Next week: the return of the 43 things. All will be explained in good time.)
2 comments:
You can take solace in the fact that if I knew any single women in KC or if you move to any city where I have any available friends, I would not only approve you for set ups or blind dates with them, but would recommend that they go out with you. To put it in terms of NFL draft potential, you may not be a flashy first round guy, but you would be a high-character draft pick with long term value who would be a steal in a later round.
The inefficiency in the system is in that women don't really know what they want until they find it. Go shoe shopping with a girl and you'll understand what I'm talking about! Saying that women only want tall, dark, and handsome is as patently false as saying that men only want a blonde with a large chest. You may be an acquired taste, but the only way for a woman to acquire your taste is to try it out in the first place (ooh that sounds bad). Unfortunately, that requires human interaction. You can't win someone's heart with a resume. So keep meeting people, just be yourself, and don't give up. Don't let the fear of rejection stand in the way of finding that missing piece of your happiness.
Finding a balance between the desire to have some sort of companionship and the fear of rejection is one I know well, so don't misunderstand...your feelings are certainly normal and valid. But I also know that, on this very blog, you had someone say that she would have gone out with you. Your personal concerns about yourself and your attraction to women may be valid, but women have the same issues. Going out on the limb isn't easy for them, either. At some point, you have to meet someone half way. Its not always about one or the other of you falling into a mad crush and gathering up the courage to do all the work, man OR woman.
I am not saying that you can't have standards or a list of attributes in a woman that you can't/can accept. But you have to ask yourself: is it that you don't find a relationship that bugs you or is it that you don't find the relatonship with the girl that you want?
Go out on some limbs. You may not find what you want, but you aren't going to find it without the limbs, either. The best piece of advice I've ever been given about "getting myself out there" wasn't really advice...it was common sense. "You already aren't dating, right? So, if you ask someone out and it doesn't work, are you really any worse off than when you started?"
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