To put my mind at ease after the events of Valentine’s Day I decided to see a cardiologist to prove that I do, in fact, have a heart. Ok, that’s not really the reason but the symbolism was too great to pass up. Basically, this is a result of what happened a few weeks ago when my posts referred to my “not feeling well.” Before anyone freaks out this was all just precautionary stuff but I still was recommended to have an exercise echocardiogram, which was my Friday adventure.
Things got off to an auspicious start as they hooked me up to the EKG. The technician started talking about how he was going to have to shave a portion of my chest to attach the pads but he then looked at me and went, “Actually, I think we’ll be ok.” Yes, even in my mid-30’s I have like four strands of chest hair. I’m telling you, once I finish puberty things are going to be awesome. I’ll even be able to grow a goatee.
Anyway, then they started taking ultrasound pictures of my heart. (To all of you who in the past have called me a heartless bastard: Ha! I have proof that you’re wrong.) On the plus side I didn’t hear any cries of “Jesus Christ” or “Are you part Klingon because I count three hearts here?” At one point they had difficulty getting the right angle to see my heart, which is a bit of a concern. I’m kind of hoping that I will get an official diagnosis of “your heart is precisely three sizes too small.” That would at least explain my lifelong hatred of Whoville.
Then it was on the treadmill and I can say proudly that I was able to hit my target heart rate and hold it with minimal difficulty. In fact, the entire test went smoothly and I was able to go home so obviously they didn’t see anything too horribly wrong with me. But what I really want to talk about is something I did during the entire procedure. Outside of two brief glances, I never looked at my heart on the monitor.
That would seem to go against my very nature. Everyone who knows me understands that I’m an incredibly curious person whose entire goal in life is to be continually learning. Getting a chance to see my heartbeat would seem to be a once in a lifetime opportunity. But I intentionally did not look at it or focus on it. Why I acted that way might say a lot about me.
I’ve come up with two reasons why I acted the way I did. The first is tied to the fact that the only person I trust is myself (and often not even that). What this means is that in any situation I am most comfortable being the one in charge and the one whose job it is to figure things out. Even though my medical expertise consists of being a football trainer in high school and the occasional episode of House I’d still consider myself more knowledgeable than someone whose entire life revolves around this test. That’s dumb I know so instead of looking at the monitor and trying to diagnose something that I know nothing about I just turned my head and let the experts handle it.
The other reason is a lot deeper and psychological. I don’t know if I wanted to face up to the fact that that little pulsating image on the screen is all of who I am. As long as my heart keeps pumping I am me; once it stops I become an it. That’s not something one really wants to confront. It’s what Yossarian discovers at the end of Catch-22. At the end of the day all we are is a combination of blood and guts and all of these noble constructs we develop to define our existence are flights of fancy. I live in head space more than physical space so coming face to face with that reality is one of the scariest things that I’ve had to go through recently. I didn’t want to stare it down on Friday afternoon. Maybe I have a little more growing to do still.
Best of 120 Minutes: Felt like posting a Throwing Muses video tonight. Of course I pick a song with Tanya Donnelly singing lead as opposed to Kirstin Hersh. Either way, I miss bands like this. It’s what made it fun to be in college back in the day.
The five random CD's for the week:
1) George Gershwin "Rhapsody in Blue"
2) The Mekons "Journey to the End of the Night"
3) Rufus Wainwright "Beneath the Stars"
4) Uncle Tupelo "Halls of Shame"
5) Sufjan Stevens "Illinois"
No comments:
Post a Comment