Oscar Blog 2008

6:44 P.M.: As you can see from the “Celebrities give our lives meaning” banner behind me we are coming to you live from the Battling the Current entertainment compound as we prepare to provide non-stop Oscar coverage. I’m joined by, well, no one in particular. But this doesn’t mean that I can’t provide snarky fashion comments while wearing a Notre Dame hockey t-shirt.

6:46 P.M.: As always, here is the setup. I’ll watch the Oscars and comment about anything and everything that catches my interest. Such as the fact that Harrison Ford is still wearing that stupid earring on the Barbara Walters special. Seriously, Han Solo with an earring. It’s at times like this that I wish that Greedo was a better shot.

6:56 P.M.: So when P. Diddy decides to be serious he is billed as Sean Combs. Interesting. I think hearing “The Oscar goes to Diddy would be brilliant.”

7:00 P.M.: Woo hoo, red carpet time! Hosted by Regis who can’t even be bothered to wear a bow tie tonight. Can’t make too much fun of him as he is a Domer and all.

7:02 P.M.: We start with George Clooney. I like to think that my hair is going gray in the same way that Clooney’s is. It helps me feel that I’m going to look distinguished as opposed to old. The fact that George and Regis just discussed the Notre Dame-Syracuse game is of interest to absolutely no one watching this.

7:06 P.M.: Laura Linney always looks stylish. She’s one of those actresses that no one ever includes on lists of best actresses but she tops pretty much everyone out there.

7:09 P.M.: Miley Cryus’ real name is Destiny Hope Cyrus. For the rest of my life I will probably remember that fact. That will be very sad five years from now when no one remembers who she is.

7:12 P.M.: Hey Mickey Rooney is still alive. Good for him.

7:17 P.M.: I have to say that Amy Adams looks really good tonight. Not sure why Regis is interviewing fans in the bleachers. So you have all of Hollywood’s royalty walking by and we talked to a nobody. That was a minute of my life I’ll never get back.

7:21 P.M.: The Price Waterhouse accountants get some airtime. Good to know all that time spent studying debits and credits can come in handy.

7:23 P.M.: Hillary Swank really should have a blurb “was The Next Karate Kid” under her whenever she talks.

7:31 P.M.: And we’re off with a bad CGI opening that looks like it came from a bad ride at Universal Studios. It’s a rather auspicious beginning. Help us Jon Stewart, you are our only hope.

7:37 P.M.: I was going to keep track of Jack Nicholson sightings but I think that I have already lost count. I think he just has a reserved seat in the front row. Even if he decides not to attend the ceremony they just put a cardboard cutout of him in the crowd.

7:42 P.M.: Jennifer Gardner’s hair looks really sloppy. Admittedly she is someone who alternately looks beautiful and like a giant robot intent on tearing your heart out but still, she should wear her hair up. Elizabeth wins for Best Costume Design as those films always win costume awards.

7:51 P.M.: I actually remembered the Rob Lowe-Snow White moment in Oscar history. It might have been the worst thing ever. As always Anne Hathaway looks incredible as no one should be that beautiful and have then name of Shakespeare’s wife. In the least surprising award of the night, Ratatouille wins best Animated Feature. Good because I can’t stand surfing penguins.

8:07 P.M.: When I think of acting I know that I think of The Rock. It’s rather amazing that more people know him as an actor now than as a guy who bent a folding chair across the head of a handcuffed Mick Foley. Well, even Mick doesn’t remember that any more. But really, The Rock as a presenter?

8:10 P.M.: Can’t give the best dressed award to Cate Blanchett but she looks gorgeous as always. Not only does she look flawless but she just holds herself in such an effortless manner. As if she rolls out of bed looking that amazing.

8:18 P.M.: In the first real award of the night, Javier Bardem wins for Best Supporting Actor. Good choice and any time a Coen Brothers film wins an award is a good thing.

8:29 P.M.: Owen Wilson always looks like he was just in a fight backstage. Maybe this is just a subliminal marketing campaign for Drillbit Taylor, in which he plays a bodyguard for high school students, but I have a bad feeling that someone jumped him backstage. Remind me to not date Kate Hudson if that is the end result.

8:31 P.M.: Did I just watch a tribute to bees in movies? This is going to be a very long night. However, anything that gets a clip from The Swarm onto an Oscar broadcast is good in my book.

8:38 P.M.: Holding up to tradition the Best Supporting Actress award is a complete surprise as Tilda Swinton wins for Michael Clayton. Big shock there as everyone was expecting either Ruby Dee or Cate Blanchett to win. Tilda looked very good in high def but that might be a result of my having a thing for red hair and green eyes. This might be a sign that we are in for an interesting night.

8:44 P.M.: So Jessica Alba got technical award duty this year. It’s a tradition that we make an up and coming starlet host it so that all the engineers get to, you know, see a beautiful woman for one moment in their life. While I have a hope of getting a screenplay written my best chance of winning an Oscar is developing some new camera technology and I haven’t been an engineer in nearly a decade.

8:47 P.M.: Adapted screenplay Oscar. Sarah Polley is nominated and she really should get a lot of respect for being a huge double threat. Can act and write and is attractive as hell as a result. Coen Brothers win so I’m giddy with excitement and as you can probably guess, I don’t often get giddy. I’ve been a Coen Brothers fan for ages and I’m always grateful when they win. Makes me feel that art can still be made in this world.

8:52 P.M.: PWC has really nice offices apparently. Remind me to drop off a resume there. Sure, being an accountant is for lack of a better term, boring but it looks like they have a pool. And once again, here is Miley Cyrus helping to draw that all important tween demographic.

9:06 P.M.: Apparently the Bourne Ultimatum has really good sound. I’ll watch the film with the picture off next time. Not that it will help me appreciate the sound any better but I would rather not have to watch Matt Damon for two straight hours.

9:08 P.M.: Wow, it’s only nine and we are already giving out the Best Actress award. This award typically doesn’t get handed out until around eleven in the evening. Yes! Marion Cotillard won for her portrayal of Edith Piaf. I was hoping that she would win because it was a pretty amazing portrayal of an amazing woman. Maybe not the most popular choice in terms of box office receipts but a definite top performance. I like seeing the unknowns win every once in a while.

9:18 P.M.: The moment I’ve been waiting for. Even the mention of the film Once gets a cheer from the crowd. You have to understand how big of a thrill this is for me. I’ve stood in front of the stage when Glen has played. His music has been what has been getting me through the past four years of my life. I can’t imagine what these past four years would have been like without his music in the background. To see him get to perform in front of the world is just amazing. You could tell how much he and Markeeta were enjoying just getting to perform. That’s how you gain acclaim without selling out.

9:28 P.M.: Does Renee Zelwigger even have eyes? Honestly, for all I know there is nothing behind those eyelashes. Well, we know that there is no brain behind the eyelashes but I’m wondering if she has a sensory organs at all. Also, there is a strange possibility that the film with the most Oscar wins tonight will be The Bourne Ultimatum. That’s a sad statement on the movie industry.

9:34 P.M.: Time for the honorary Oscar, which goes to Robert Boyle who did the design work for all of the Hitchcock films. Given how incredible those films were to look at I could see him getting a lifetime achievement award for his work. Just watch North by Northwest and you’ll understand how amazing it can be. Well, except for the fight on the top of a paper mache Mount Rushmore. That hasn’t aged well.

9:41 P.M.: Adam Corrolla and Steve Guttenberg on Dancing With the Stars? What could possibly go wrong? Also, can the words Guttenberg and Star be used in the same sentence? Isn’t that blatantly false advertising?

9:50 P.M.: Yes! This is unbelievable! I’ve now met an Oscar winner! Falling Slowly won for Best Song! You cannot believe how big of a smile that I have on my face right now. I mean, I’ve been a fan of The Frames for four years now and they were always my little secret. They were the best band that you had never heard of. Well, now people know who they are and it’s not because of some bad ballad. It’s because of a beautiful song. For once, I’m happy about who won best song.

9:57 P.M.: How cool is that. Jon Stewart even brought Markeeta back on stage so she could have a chance to say her thank yous. This great moments segues to Cameron Diaz looking as if she can’t move a single facial muscle. So let’s honor independent art and following your dreams by featuring a member of the Charlie’s Angels cast.

10:01 P.M.: Time for the annual dead person montage. Also showing that death, much like life, is a popularity contest. The smattering of applause for certain names is always a bit disturbing. Heath Ledger gains the final spot and biggest applause. That’s what bothers me about this. I’d almost wish they would kill the audience sound so you wouldn’t hear the clapping. Are we trying to judge if Heath was more important than Ingmar Bergman? It never seems to be a remembrance, more like one last casting call.

10:15 P.M.: Is it me or does Tom Hanks look rather haggard tonight? He just seems a bit worse for wear and I don’t know if I have ever seen him look anything other than perfect.

10:25 P.M.: Cool, Diablo Cody wins the Best Screenplay Oscar becoming the second former stripper (after Dame Judi Dench) to win an Oscar. For the record, no I don’t know her. At least I don’t think I do. But stories like hers gives me hope. A blogger who writes a script and gets it made and wins an Oscar. There might be hope for me yet.

10:34 P.M.: Daniel Day-Lewis wins his second Oscar for his performance in a film that I assume is about turn of the century malt shops. All I know is that it has something to do with milkshakes. Kind of surprising that a film that potentially takes place in a Baskin Robbins wins an Oscar. But I can’t complain about Daniel winning any award since he really inhabits a role. That and he grows a better mustache than anyone in Hollywood.

10:39 P.M.: Per the local news, giant snakes are about to invade Kansas City. Looks like I might be leaving just in time. I don’t think that this town has a St. Patrick in it.

10:43 P.M.: Another win for the Coen Brothers as they take Best Director as well. Or Best Directors, it’s a rather odd teaming. I’ve watched them since the days of Barton Fink. Not that I understand Barton Fink but hell, I even liked The Hudsucker Proxy. It’s you know, for kids.

10:45 P.M.: And let’s send it on home with Best Picture. The Oscar goes to “No Country for Old Men”, which I believe takes home the most Oscars on the night. Just shows that working from a Cormac McCarthy story is always a great way to make a wonderful movie. I still, uh, haven’t seen it but I’m sure that I will.

10:47 P.M.: That’s the show. Maybe not record time but it was definitely quicker than I expected. It was a strange year for the Oscars. There was no one big movie for everyone to get behind and even the nominated actors weren’t many of the big names. They were great performers but you didn’t have a Nicole Kidman or Julia Roberts nominated this year. The degree of glamour just didn’t match up. I’m not sure if I even have a worst dressed choice this year. That said, I can’t complain at all. Falling Slowly won an Oscar for Best Song. What can be better than that?

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Mary Chapin Carpenter “Come On, Come On”
2) Marshall Crenshaw “This Is It”
3) Tori Amos “Little Earthquakes”
4) Allison Moorer “Show”
5) The Waco Brothers “Do You Think About Me?”