You can't keep a good planet down

I have some rather earth shattering news to share tonight. I saw something that will completely alter my view of the universe. After twenty two months, the white car in the parking space next to my garage was finally moved. Came home today from work and it was like, “What the hell? Am I in the right apartment complex?” I’m not sure if it drove off under it’s own power or if it was towed or if it was teleported in something that will be discussed for years in literature as “The Kansas City Experiment” but it’s gone.

This is really bothering me. I count on having constants in my life, touchstones that I can rely on to never change. Like The Simpsons on a Sunday night or a bar serving beer or the Royals getting trounced by the White Sox. And I knew that no matter what happened in my life that damn white car would be parked in that spot making it a challenge for me to pull into my own garage. I even gave people directions to my place using it as a landmark. Hell, sometimes I needed it to remember if I was at the right building or not. With it gone my life just feels empty.

That’s not the only big news on the wires today. My astronomer friends (ok, it’s more like I just drank with them a couple of times but close enough) are right now meeting to determine whether or not Pluto should remain a planet. This is of great concern to me because we really, really need to keep Pluto as a planet. One, because otherwise I’ll be continuously confused as to how many planets there are in the solar system. But the main reason is that Pluto is great for symbolic reasons.

See, Pluto is just this little rock way out at the far edge of the solar system. It’s like let’s say Lawrence is Saturn and Neptune is Wichita, well then Pluto is whatever the hell is actually farther west than Wichita. It doesn’t even have a nice orbit, it’s this weird off-kilter loop that cause it to intersect with Neptune every once in a while. But despite all of this it is still a planet, just like Saturn with its cool rings and Mars with the rock formation that looks like Kermit the Frog.

(I’m not kidding, I’ve seen the pictures. There is a rock formation on Mars that looks exactly like Kermit the Frog. Screw the face of Mars as proof of a former civilization, this shows that they’ve been watching us and believe that we view television characters as our gods. Which might be pretty close to the truth when you think about it.)

So Pluto is the ultimate underdog. Always looked down upon but still holding its own. I don’t care what those scientists say, Pluto is going to remain a planet in my book. Plus, we need planets named after Disney characters, if only because it might mean that Nasa will finally get that grant to figure out just what the hell Goofy actually is. Personally I just think that Pluto is smart enough to realize that talking is overrated because if he did he’d have to get a job and stuff and would rather have Mickey feed him three squares a day while all he has to do is lie around in the sun. Pluto, the ultimate slacker genius.