Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Life needs a scorecard

Let’s try something a little different and go through some of the winners and losers of the past few weeks…

Winner: Toyota: No one has benefited more from the Gulf Oil Disaster (I think we should upgrade it from spill) than Toyota. Remember the cars accelerating out of control without reason? Spokespersons making ineffective comments on safety while wearing surgical masks? The huge backlash due to massive recalls on items like floormats? Nope, neither do I. They are out of the news cycle and won’t even win the award for the most obvious MBA business case of the year.

Winner: Orange slice manufacturers: Yay! Soccer is popular again! On that note…

Winner: ESPN: Yeah, I can’t believe this one either. The network that has gone from amazing to quite possibly the most mind numbing channel in existence thanks to segments like Who’s Now, Chris Berman doing anything and the complete disavowal of the existence of hockey has done an amazing job on the World Cup. Every game is shown live with commentators who actually know what they are talking about. They’ve even brought in experts who the average American has no clue who they are. As a result we have had kick ass coverage for the entire event. Now if NBC could just take some of those ideas and use them on the Olympics for a change.

Loser: NBC: On that note I am trying to think of any show on NBC that is worth watching. Ok, maybe The Office and 30 Rock (though to be honest I don’t make time out for either one.) Right now I believe their most popular show is “Extremely Fit Woman Swears at Fat People.” Always fun to watch someone who hasn’t exercised in years being berated because they can’t keep up on their first workout. I swear that I want to see an unedited version of The Biggest Loser where they actually show what the first week is like because you simply can’t go from no exercise to full workouts without suffering immense pain.

Loser: My Downstairs Neighbors: Much of my workout routine revolves around using EA Active. This means that I am doing things like lateral jumps, running in place and step aerobics on a nightly basis. I feel like I should go down there and apologize for turning my apartment into an aerobics studio (and not like that cool one in that John Travolta / Jamie Lee Curtis movie.)

Loser: Garlic Manufacturers: Wait a minute, you mean that vampires can now be out in daylight? Does that mean that the whole stake in the heart is no longer effective either? And if the werewolves aren’t wearing shirts because it makes it easier for them to transform into wolves then why the hell are they wearing pants?

Winner: All of civilization: We have a new New Pornographers album out! And the only thing better than a New Pornographers album is a New Pornographers video that features ninjas.

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