I swear I really did have a Canadian girlfriend

Well I don’t have to look too far for a topic tonight. Here are my thoughts on the Manti Te’o story and what I can make out of it.


The first big question is what Te’o the victim of a hoax or was he behind it? Obviously the first thought that many people would have is that this was a big plan that he developed in order to gain more press. Invent imaginary girlfriend, have imaginary girlfriend die early in the season, gain great press from playing in her memory and use that to improve your draft position. To me that doesn’t make any sense at all. Obviously people could check up on the story and there was no guarantee that Notre Dame was going to have this amazing season and turn Manti into a Heisman candidate. Plus, why include a fake death when his grandmother, who he was incredibly close to, died on the same day? Yes it adds to the story but it wasn’t really necessary. He was already the top prospect and a prospective first rounder on a team that is on television every week.

If Manti was involved in the creation of the imaginary girlfriend and he did it for publicity he would have to be a stone cold person. From every interview and comment that I have seen about him for four years I’ve seen no indication that there would be anything like this in his personality. I’ve never heard anyone say a negative thing about the kid. If he was involved in the setup of the hoax I would be stunned and disappointed beyond belief.

So if he was a victim of the hoax what the hell happened? After thinking about it for a few hours this is my best guess.

Manti gets a message from someone on Twitter and starts a conversation. They tweet and text regularly over time. Maybe they even talk on the phone a few times. Her backstory becomes more convoluted (car accident, cancer, bone marrow transplant) until, on the same day that the news breaks that his grandmother died the person behind the hoax also tells him that the girl has died. In talking to the team and press about it Manti describes her as “his girlfriend”, which leads to the story getting confused in the press.

See, the term girlfriend is what has always bugged me about this from the start. You notice that they never showed pictures of her with him throughout the season, or mentioned him by her bedside, or any other behaviors you would expect out of someone whose girlfriend (in the standard definition of the term) is dying. But I can easily see a guy, even a top football player, refer to someone he only talks to online as his girlfriend because, hell, I’ve been guilty of that one.

Obviously my geekiness and dating challenges are well documented on this blog, which makes the fact that Kim and I are married still the best proof that I have that miracles are still possible. But in college I referred to a girl I met every week for coffee as my girlfriend. We never dated, never even really came close to in fact, but we regularly spent time together and there is no good word for a relationship like that especially when trying to explain that to your buddies who don’t know her. She can’t be your friend because then they would know her so it is just easier to describe her as a girlfriend. I’ve written about relationships where I went on a few dates or one date or never technically been on a date but more like we happened to repeatedly find ourselves in the same bar and described them all in this blog as relationships or girlfriends. It’s a huge lie and I think everyone realizes it but it makes you feel better because as a guy you never want to admit that you can’t get a girlfriend. There is just a part of the evolutionary, lizard like portion of your brain that constantly goes “I would make an especially good mate. My sperm are healthy and plentiful” and you will invent Canadian girlfriends galore to keep that image up.

So Manti talks to a girl online and describes her to a bunch of buddies as a girlfriend. He is duped into thinking she was real and when told that she has died he calls her a girlfriend. When the press calls him out on it he doesn’t want to admit that they had never actually met and they weren’t really dating so he makes up a story about how they met and how they hung out together a few times. The story takes on its own life and once someone looks into it and finds out that she isn’t real the entire thing explodes. That version makes sense to me.

I do also want to add this, though. I want to give huge kudos to my friends at Deadspin for breaking this story and doing the leg work behind it. For those who don’t know, Deadspin was founded by Will Leitch who was a few years behind me at Illinois and if I remember correctly was on the team of Daily Illini writers who beat me in the intramural sports trivia competition my senior year (yes, sports trivia was a legitimate intramural sport at Illinois.) The fact that no one else: ESPN, Sports Illustrated, CNN, every news outlet that you can think of, did the research into this story to find out the truth just shows how great of a job Deadspin does on covering sports and just how bad the mainstream media is. I mean, how can ESPN not send someone to find the girl’s parents to talk about the relationship? How could no one else do the work to find this out? That might be as big of a story as anything else here. The story should be less on the hoax itself but how in the world could the main story of the football season, involving the Heisman runner up, be false and no one notice?

Wednesday Night Music Club: Actually these are really the New Pornographers, right? I mean, I’ve met the band…

Life needs a scorecard

Let’s try something a little different and go through some of the winners and losers of the past few weeks…

Winner: Toyota: No one has benefited more from the Gulf Oil Disaster (I think we should upgrade it from spill) than Toyota. Remember the cars accelerating out of control without reason? Spokespersons making ineffective comments on safety while wearing surgical masks? The huge backlash due to massive recalls on items like floormats? Nope, neither do I. They are out of the news cycle and won’t even win the award for the most obvious MBA business case of the year.

Winner: Orange slice manufacturers: Yay! Soccer is popular again! On that note…

Winner: ESPN: Yeah, I can’t believe this one either. The network that has gone from amazing to quite possibly the most mind numbing channel in existence thanks to segments like Who’s Now, Chris Berman doing anything and the complete disavowal of the existence of hockey has done an amazing job on the World Cup. Every game is shown live with commentators who actually know what they are talking about. They’ve even brought in experts who the average American has no clue who they are. As a result we have had kick ass coverage for the entire event. Now if NBC could just take some of those ideas and use them on the Olympics for a change.

Loser: NBC: On that note I am trying to think of any show on NBC that is worth watching. Ok, maybe The Office and 30 Rock (though to be honest I don’t make time out for either one.) Right now I believe their most popular show is “Extremely Fit Woman Swears at Fat People.” Always fun to watch someone who hasn’t exercised in years being berated because they can’t keep up on their first workout. I swear that I want to see an unedited version of The Biggest Loser where they actually show what the first week is like because you simply can’t go from no exercise to full workouts without suffering immense pain.

Loser: My Downstairs Neighbors: Much of my workout routine revolves around using EA Active. This means that I am doing things like lateral jumps, running in place and step aerobics on a nightly basis. I feel like I should go down there and apologize for turning my apartment into an aerobics studio (and not like that cool one in that John Travolta / Jamie Lee Curtis movie.)

Loser: Garlic Manufacturers: Wait a minute, you mean that vampires can now be out in daylight? Does that mean that the whole stake in the heart is no longer effective either? And if the werewolves aren’t wearing shirts because it makes it easier for them to transform into wolves then why the hell are they wearing pants?

Winner: All of civilization: We have a new New Pornographers album out! And the only thing better than a New Pornographers album is a New Pornographers video that features ninjas.

2009: The Year in Books

I read a lot of books. Or at least I think I read a lot of books. Reading 28 books in one year is more than average but probably not by that many standard deviations. I might make it a resolution to read a book a week, which would be a fun challenge. Anyway, here are some of the 28 books that graced my nightstand this year with some comments.

(Oh and for those wondering I did not read a book on pro wrestling this year. Haven’t had that happen in a long time.)

Henry V by William Shakespeare: I have continued in my tradition of reading one Shakespeare play a year and have now completed the Henriad. I like this play, mainly because I like any play that features a lot of battles and patriotic speeches. Funny how I never recall hearing about King Henry threatening to rape and pillage a town if they did not surrender in some of my previous studies nor do I understand why half the play is in really bad French. If there is one thing that I am proud of it is the fact that I can read Shakespeare without needing to look at the notes every two seconds.

This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper: I started reading Tropper last year after hearing many comparisons to Nick Hornby. This is easily his best book about a family coming together after death and divorce and then splintering again. Funny and compelling and one that I recommend.

Generation A by Douglas Coupland: I’ve read pretty much everything that Douglas has ever written including a few really bad books. This one falls in the middle of the pack for him. The overarching story about bees disappearing from the Earth and how that is interrelated with anti-depressants and stories is rather interesting. The continual interlacing of short stories into the novel completely ruins the flow though.

Bro on the Go by Barney Stinson: Life lessons for today’s active bro. In a word: awesome.

Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman: I’ve mentioned it many times before but it always bears repeating: I would really like to have Chuck Klosterman’s job. He just sits around and writes pieces examining pop culture from this detached, slightly cynical viewpoint. It would be like someone actually paying me to blog. Let’s face it, I could write long essays discussing the merits of Ralph Sampson and ABBA as well.

Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane: Read the book before the movie comes out. This is a great thriller that actually keeps you guessing the entire time as to what reality really is. Occasionally it is nice to read a book that you just cannot put down and this is one of those books. Really highly recommended.

Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby: In what can be considered almost a companion to High Fidelity Nick delves once again into the world of music fandom. What does it mean to know everything about an artist? What does it say about me that I will speak for hours on end on the merits of Jeff Buckley and will go and see a band just because his former drummer is playing in it? Why are people drawn to defining their life via the creations of someone that they will never meet and who didn’t have them in mind during the process of creation? Great book.

And Another Thing by Eoin Colfer: The sixth book in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy trilogy and the first written since the death of Douglas Adams. I had really mixed emotions about this book given that I copied most of my writing style from Douglas Adams. On the one hand, I was happy to see the characters one more time and appearing in a book with an actual plot for once. But it just didn’t have the same humor and pure joy of the absurd that Douglas’ work had and I really wasn’t a fan of the ending. Arthur Dent deserves a better fate in the universe.

Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer: Teaches you one important lesson: Do not go into the Alaskan wilderness alone. Ever. Especially if you’ve decided to change your last name to Supertramp.

Geek Love by Katherine Dunn: This book is about circus geeks as opposed to geeks like me. That almost amounts to false advertising. Any novel that has at its core a couple that ingests as many chemicals as possible in order to have children that could serve as circus geeks is bound to be interesting and this one is definitely unlike any other that I can recall. It’s not for everyone but I guarantee that you will never forget it.

Sexing the Cherry by Jeanette Winterson: Probably the best book I read all year due to some amazing language. The book is incredibly poetic and the words just seem to float from place to place as the characters drift through time. A hauntingly beautiful book that Kim introduced me to.

This is Water by David Foster Wallace: I miss DFW. His death cost my generation its most talented writer. He left us this, his graduation speech from a few years ago. Present it to your favorite graduate to make him think. Really, really think.

I Love You Beth Cooper by Larry Doyle: Yes, the movie sucked. But the book is surprisingly decent. Not great, but decent. Any resemblance between this novel and my high school years is purely coincidental. For one thing, I don’t recall Hayden Panniterrie attending my high school.

A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson: I may have read this book for the title alone. It’s actually a very readable analysis of the broad issues of science from the beginnings of the universe and the structure of matter to evolution and what makes us who we are. It’s not technical and Bryson is a joy to read so if you want to find out more about this world that we find ourselves in this is a good place to start.

10th Best Album of the Decade: The New Pornographers “Challengers” (2007): You have to love Canadian supergroups made up of people from bands you have never heard of. Neko Case is the most popular person in the group and not too many people other than me know about her. They are simply the best power pop group around right now. No one can touch them. Plus, as this video shows, you just can’t match the cuteness that is Kathryn Calder.

I'm Tom Brokaw and you can all go to hell...

For those who are curious about the economy or more accurately my effect on a company here are some rather frightening statistics. Since I started working on September 2nd my company’s stock price has fallen by 32.5%. On the other hand, since I left Sprint its stock price has fallen by 32.7%. I haven’t decided if this indicates that the economy is in dire straits or if I am simply the kiss of death for companies in that even when I leave just the trace of my presence results in utter turmoil. I’ll keep everyone abreast of any further career moves so that they can alter their portfolios as necessary.

(Huh huh Beavis, abreast)

While I did not liveblog the debate (I will for the final one) I did watch the entire event and have more than a few comments to make on the whole show. Here they are, numbered for your reading pleasure.

1) Wow, I never thought that Tom Brokaw could be such a whiny bitch. “But we have time limits! And agreed upon rules!” Brokaw actually goofed up the flow of the debate by those little interjections. Neither candidate seemed to be upset about the other talking longer than required but the only time things got testy was when Brokaw decided to cut people off.

2) I only caught one guy in the crowd falling asleep during the debate. It would have been hysterical to see the camera pan during one of the speeches only to catch someone just dead out of it in the audience.

3) I’m not a big fan of the town hall style debates. First off, I’m not quite sure if the average American should be allowed to vote much less ask questions of the candidates. Then we have all of this walking around and faux sincerity where the fact that someone can remember the name of the person who was just introduced is considered to be a significant advantage. I’d much rather have an experienced journalist asking tough questions and forceful follow-ups.

4) Hey, remember eight years ago when the debates focused on lock boxes and whether or not we were all going to be rich or super-rich? Sigh. I miss those days. Think about this fact. We have gone through three debates and we have not had a single question on abortion. In fact, it is not even a campaign issue. I didn’t think I would ever see a presidential campaign where that issue never appears.

5) Back to the debate format. McCain, especially at the beginning, did an excellent job of connecting with the live audience. I can see how he thrives in that town hall format as he is better in that one on one interaction than one would ever expect. But he really suffers from the nature of television and his history of injuries. Because of his war wounds he moves rather jerkily and every step seems to emphasize his age. It hurts him even though it has nothing to do with his ability. Obama, on the other hand, fulfilled his main goal of looking presidential. The way he composed himself sitting down, walking the stage, referencing McCain, it was all done in a manner that showed poise and confidence. When people talk about wondering if someone is ready to lead they really aren’t referring to s set of experiences and well-earned skills. They more want to see someone who they will be comfortable listening to in a presidential address. Obama showed that last night.

6) Similar to that, I want to point out that Obama’s political ads might go down as some of the best in history. As I am within spitting distance of Pennsylvania I see a lot of ads (the three electoral votes that I control as the sole voter in Delaware are of less importance) and I am extremely impressed by his economic ones. They consist of Obama at a desk, mirroring the scene in the Oval Office, discussing his economic plan in detail and contrasting it to McCain’s. At the end he gives the “I approve this message” tag and then states exactly why he approves of it. The power of these ads are immense and I have not seen much commentary on them. First, he once again is positioning himself in a way that makes voters comfortable in accepting him as a political leader. He also states facts (or at least what are purported to be facts) and those details take slight precedence over hyperbole. But what it is more than anything is personal. This isn’t just an ad made by some Madison avenue team with a soundbite tossed in at the end. By the sole fact that he is on screen, giving this minute speech, not providing the same canned, required by law ending, you gain this strong personal connection to the candidate. I really feel that those might be the most important ads of the election.

7) Two fun TV moments. At one point while Obama was speaking you could see McCain walk behind him to talk to Brokaw and you had a momentary hope that he would punch him out. Then you had Brokaw whining at the end that the candidates were blocking his teleprompter.

8) Here is the final, telling moment of the debate and the election. Now I felt that the debate was a tie. McCain was better at the start, Obama better at the end, and no one made any real moves. Most of the polls showed it going to Obama by a wider margin than I would have thought. But the most important moment took place after the debate ended.

Apparently they handed out cameras to the audience members to take pictures of the candidates and the event after it was over. So while the candidates were shaking hands and relaxing you could see the audience taking pictures. Every camera was focused on Obama. People were standing up in order to get their picture taken with him. This is in a room of theoretically undecided voters and you could just sense that all eyes were on Obama. That is the biggest sign that the election is his to lose.

Now I’ll reiterate that I am a Chicago democrat and in no way can be considered unbiased. I’ll also state that I have immense respect for John McCain and have said in the past that he is the one republican who I felt that I could support. But this election seems to be turning into one for the democrats to lose rather than the republicans to win and that is a much different ballgame.

Wednesday Night Music Club: As I’ve mentioned recently, I’ve started working out again. What that means is that I find myself spending 45 minutes a night on a treadmill wondering exactly why I am doing this. The only thing that makes the time worthwhile is I get to listen to New Pornographers songs the entire time. Pretty much makes any endeavor worthwhile.

We Have Arrived

As is often the case, I found myself spending four hours standing in front of a stage last night. Given that it was in Lawrence this meant that I also happened to be the oldest person standing in front of the stage by a good ten years. But that is a small price to pay in order to see a triple bill consisting of Immaculate Machine, Emma Pollack and The New Pornographers. I’ve been looking forward to this show from the moment it was announced. Talk about the makings of a fun night.

Immaculate Machine opened and they are my favorite band that absolutely no one has ever heard of. Well, I did include them in a Wednesday Night Music Club at one point so you might actually have heard me rattle off their particulars before. Led by the lovely and talented Kathryn Calder (pictured above and crush-worthy beyond belief) they just have a bunch of catchy three minute pop songs. Just guitar, drums and keyboards, they don’t even bother with a bass player. Seriously, you need to search out some of their music. They even decided to sing one song partly in French because they’re from Canada and apparently it is a law or something.

(I’ll go into a little more detail about Kathryn later as well.)

Emma Pollack was second and while her set was good it will be best remembered for one of those constant thorns in my concert going side: the extremely wasted older woman. She was a good thirty feet away from me and I don’t know if she was drunk or stoned or what but she actually cleared out a ten foot radius of people who did not want to deal with her. She yelled at the band, the people standing next to her, and probably some random woodland creatures that she imagined were running across the speakers. It was disturbing and frightening as you wondered just what was going to happen. What happened was that about fifteen minutes into her display she decided to hold up her lighter in a big arena rock moment (for a set that featured acoustic guitars) and that’s when she was tossed. As I told the guy next to me, they can’t toss you for being an asshole but if you hold up a lighter at a no smoking show you’ll get canned. The crowd actually cheered when this happened.

That’s only the first part of the annoying crowd experience. I also had the eighteen year old girls next to me who decided to sit down between sets. Given their apparent lack of knowledge of three dimensional geometry they didn’t realize that they took up a lot more space sitting than standing thus resulting in the rest of the crowd being scrunched into each other and falling onto them whenever someone moved. I was so tempted to punt one of them or just accidentally step on a hand. I’m sorry but not only are my knees older than theirs but I have knee ligament tears that are older than they are. If I can stand for four hours so can you.

Since it’s Lawrence I also had the new generation hippie behind me who, when the Pornographers came out under a lighted sign that read “New Pornographers”, yelled directly into my ears “I love light up signs!” I don’t even want to think about how much you would have to up my medication to make me say that in public. Oh, I also had the annoying guy who had to talk to the band during the set next to me as well. I swear, I should be allowed to toss these people from shows because they obviously don’t appreciate it as much as I do. Yes, I am that much of a music snob.

Anyway, the New Pornographers were amazing as always. They had the full band this time around so I got to stand directly in front of Neko Case as I always do whenever she plays. You have to dig a band that just uses Neko to belt out songs and play tambourine. They are a pretty amazing band. It was always meant to be a side project as a Canadian supergroup except the side project has become more popular than anyone’s actual band. It’s power pop at its finest and while some people question the need for it, I love it. You don’t always need the full orchestra of Arcade Fire and Polyphonic Spree. Sometimes just guitars, keyboards, and the occasional six part harmony will do.

Kathryn Calder is also a part of the Pornographers and I really think she might be a breakout star. She has a look and talent and you only need the former to make it in the biz. The latter just makes it easier. She has a killer voice and is getting more notice by singing backup and an occasional lead and just learning from being on stage with Neko. I really want to see where her career goes because I can see her being a big deal in a few years.

I’ll wrap up with how the set wrapped up. They finished with the song “The Bleeding Heart Show”, which I know was used as music in a commercial at some point. The song ends with Neko singing “We have arrived” over and over. Standing in front of a stage with a full house behind me seeing a band I have followed for years seemingly make it was an awesome experience. They have arrived.