Your 2009 Holiday Viewing Guide

It is time for that annual holiday tradition: My overview of the Holiday television schedule. Yes, this is my opportunity to inform you of the best choices for your viewing options. All times are CST, channels are listed, and I promise you I am not making these shows up.

Thursday, November 26th
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I recommend building a time machine to fully enjoy this annual treat. Besides featuring the classic ginat balloons of Kermit, Garfield and a smurf we also were treated to lip synched performances by every vaguely teen performer in existence, all of whom seem to be rocking emo bangs. Yes, I am now at the point where I look at the TV and yell, "Get a haircut you damn hippie!"

Home Alone (11 AM, FX): Macauley Culkin woke up in a hangover daze this morning, turned on the television and saw that the highlight of his life consisted of several acts of horrible violence against Joe Pesci. Come to think of it, that would be the highlight of anyone's life.

Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (7 PM, Comedy Central): The popularity of Jeff Dunham amazes me. Heck, the fact that this guy has a career stuns me. Who the hell gets a ventriloquism bit to work for fifteen years? He even sells CDs. You know how easy it is to ventriloquism on a CD?

Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau (11 PM, CMT): Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit quite like Larry the Cable Guy and vague Hawaiian themes. Some people ask how I can be such a cynical bastard during the holiday season. To them I present Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau. By the time you finish watching it you will want to punt an elf.

Friday, November 27
The Santa Clause (8 PM, TBS): Remember when Tim Allen was funny? Yeah, me neither.

Saturday, November 28
Holly and Hal Moose: Our Uplifting Christmas (9 AM, ABC Family): A pair of moose (mooses?, meeses?) discover Santa's workshop and disclose the horrific sweatshop conditions maintained inside. Nice to see a change of pace regarding our holiday creatures, though.

The National Tree (7 PM, Hallmark): Andrew McCarthy (better known as that other guy in every movie you watched in the 1980's) helps his son haul an evergreen to DC. I assume they are using a truck of some sort though a father and son heroically dragging a tree down the highway would be inspiring. Instead I assume that this just discusses the importance of maintaining proper air pressure in your tires.

Sunday, November 29
A Christmas Carol (1 PM, Hallmark): The tale of how dedication and perserverence to one's chosen field will result in admiration and respect amongst one's fellow man. George C. Scott version.

A Dog Named Christmas (8 PM, CBS): Having met two dogs named Valentine this year I think that even I will get misty eyed about a show in which a young man helps out a shelter's adoption program.

Larry the Cable Guy Star Studded Christmas Spectacular (10:30 PM, CMT): Yes, not only one but two Larry the Cable Guy Christmas specials. This one featuring Toby Keith, Montgomery Gentry and and Jeff Foxworthy! You know how you might be a redneck? If you find yourself watching a Larry the Cable Guy Christmas special at 10:30 on a Sunday Night in November.

Monday, November 30
Naughty or Nice (7 PM, ABC Family): A sick boy convinces a Chicago shock jock (admirally protrayed by George Lopez) to be nice for one day. If believing in Santa is too easy, just try wrapping your head around George Lopez having a successful radio career or a shock jock doing anything remotely noble.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The tale of how Whoville's existence of decadence and depravity is overturned by one brave individual who has a body three times to large for his heart. I'm sorry but Whoville totally got what they deserved.

Tuesday, December 1
The Year Without a Santa Claus (6 PM, ABC Family): Come for the Heat Miser and Snow Miser, stay for....do you really need a reason to stay? We're talking the Heat Miser! An all time great.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The best ever. Hands down even if said hands are holding Dolly Madison Zingers. Snoopy's portrayals of all the animals in the bible, the kids dancing and the little tree that just needs a little love. No, I'm not crying just thinking about it. It's just a little dusty in here that is all.

Disney Prep and Landing (7:30 PM, ABC): So after spending the past half hour reliving your childhood with one of the most touching programs ever produced why not stay tuned for a crass comercial about how elves (sponsored by Disney) prepare houses for Santa's arrival (also sponsored by Disney.) Remember kids, if your toys don't say Disney it means that your parents don't really love you.

Wednesday, December 2
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): Still should be referred to by it's original title: Hermie the Misfit Elf and Friends. That said, I will watch this show just for the line, "She thinks I'm cute!" That and maybe I will finally find out what games reindeer actually play. I'm guessing No Limit Hold'Em but that is a little passe.

Thursday, December 3
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): A reminder to all budding entrepreneurs to carefully choose their accountants to avoid any unneccessary discussions as to what constitutes a proper deduction. Reginald Owen version.

A Diva's Christmas Carol (7 PM, Hallmark): See above, except replace accountant with assistant and Reginald Owen with that Miss America contestant who was nude in Playboy.

Saturday, December 5
12 Men of Christmas (8 PM, Lifetime): Kristin Chenoweth stars as a New Yorker who must skip town after a disastorous office party. Yes, it is either the SEC Title Game or this and Kristin Chenoweth does make it a little bit of a tough decision. Odds of a Meredith Baxter-Birney sighting: 60 %.

Monday, December 7
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): My absolute favorite special. I just liked one that featured an incredibly smart mouse with glasses as the main character who ruins Christmas and then has to try to redeem himself. Any analogies to myself there are purely incidental.

Cranberry Christmas (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Here is the preview, direct from the Chicago Sun-Times "A meanie wants to take away the Cranberryport skating bog." Please give your thoughts on whatever the hell this might mean in the comments because I haven't a freaking clue.

Jack Frost (9 PM, ABC Family): I am going to assume that this is not the horror film starring a killer snowman but given they had just had a show about a skating bog I really can't be sure.

Tuesday, December 8
Mickey's Christmas Carrol (6 PM, ABC Family): Explains the true meaning of Christmas. Does not explain how Goofy is a dog that can walk and talk while Pluto is a dog who is, well, a dog. Scrooge McDuck version.

Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): From the A.A. Milne classic tale of Santa Claus. Sigh. I'd like to make more fun of this but as a kid I so loved the stories because of Christopher Robin (the only character who had the same first name as me.) I'll probably end up taping this and then complaining about how the room is dusty every time I watch.

A Miser Brothers Christmas (8 PM, ABC Family): Finally someone gets the point. All Miser Brothers, all the time. They should have their own sitcom.

Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8:30 PM, ABC Family): For the record, it is two and a half weeks before Christmas and we have a New Year's Special. First Valentine's Day special is planned for December 20th.

Friday, December 11
Yes, Virginia (7 PM, CBS): A skeptical girl asks a newspaper for the truth about Santa, a more in depth discussion of the health care bills and a comics section that is awesome like it was when we had Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side. Also inquires the staff as to why they are employed in a dying industry.

The Flight Before Christmas (7:30 PM, CBS): Again from the Sun Times "Ambitious reindeer tries to find missing father." Thus, this story might really be a tale of parental abandonment as his father takes flight before the holidays much in the manner of "I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes." This implies a much more complex social structure in the reindeer community than I have ever imagined.

Saturday, December 12
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (8 AM, ABC Family): I am slowly getting the feeling that ABC Family just bought up the rights to every show with Christmas in its title. I'm assuming that he uses his long ears to fly in a helicopter fashion to help lower Santa into chimneys.

Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): And I complained about the New Year's Special. Why aren't they showing this in July? And since when did Rudolph and Frosty form some sort of magical Christmas tag-team? I expect to see them in a double Russian chain match against the Miser Brothers.

It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still have not seen this movie. I am not kidding. I know that it is a holiday staple but I simply have never sat down to watch it. It just wasn't in my family's rotation. Apologies to those who feel that this makes me pure evil.

Sunday, December 13
Santa Baby (5 PM, ABC Family): Jenny McCarthy stars as Santa's efficiency expert daughter who must fill her old man's shoes when he falls ill. The logical inconsistencies present in the "Jenny McCarthy" and "efficiency expert" makes this one sound like a twelve egg nog special.

The Christmas Blessing (5 PM, Lifetime Movie): Neil Patrick Harris. You don't even need a plot description; it stars Neil Patrick Harris. If that isn't enough to make you watch nothing will.

Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (7 PM, ABC Family): My god, they made a sequel. And her first name is apparently Mary. I think I am losing brain cells just by typing this.

The Christmas Hope (7 PM, Lifetime Movie): A foster child wins over a couple starring Madeline Stowe thus answering the question "Whatever happened to Madeline Stowe?"

Christmas at the White House (9 PM, ABC): Oprah grills the president on his foreign policy decisions.

Tuesday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Can't have too many Peanuts specials, especially ones featuring Rerun. If you need to think up a quick present for me anything related to Charles Schulz is usually a good choice.

Friday, December 18
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Ok, raise your hands. How many of you cried when Frosty has to go away? I thought so. Maybe the most heart wrenching Christmas special ever. You fall in love with the big guy and then he vanishes and there is nothing that you can do about it. Great lesson to teach children.

Frosty Returns (7:30 PM, CBS): Well, maybe his disappearance wasn't so permanent after all.

Tuesday, December 22
A Very Brady Christmas (Noon, ABC Family): I have a problem with this. The holidays are all about nostalgia, which is why I am writing about shows that I remember watching thirty years ago. Yet this is a special in which Christmas nostalgia is combined with old TV show nostalgia and it is just too much.

Once Upon a Christmas (2 PM, ABC Family): Santa's Daughter again must try to save the day. In this instance, Santa's daughter is played by Kathy Ireland. I consider that an upgrade.

Twice Upon a Christmas (4 PM, ABC Family): For crying out loud, how many movies about Santa's daughters featuring former pin up models are there? Are there a whole bunch starring Elle McPhereson that I am somehow missing?

A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TNT): Jean-Luc Picard version. Set phasers to awesome. Let's see those ghosts try to mess with Scrooge this time.

Christmas Eve
A Christmas Story (7 PM and on continual loop, TBS): Peter Billingsly directed Couples Retreat and was executive producer for Iron Man. I have no idea what significance that hold but really what else can one say about this film. I really think that it has become so popular that everyone should take a few years off from watching it just so it can regain a bit of its awesomeness. And trust me, it is awesome.

Christmas Day
The Yule Log (2 AM, WGN): Because what better way to enjoy the holidays than by watching a fireplace on your TV.

Enjoy the holidays everyone!