Coming back to the office from a vacation is never an easy thing. You are faced with coming to grips with the fact that every day of your life is spent doing something that you would rather not do. I am sure that there are people out there who truly love their job; who every day wake up just wanting to race out of the house and see what challenges await. I am not one of those people. I like my job, I’m surprisingly good at it but it is not my entire being.
What makes going to work worse on days like today is that I left a place that was sunny and warm to come home to a day that was cold and dreary. I swear the entire day was just this entire gray blah that seemed to suck your soul right out of you. Even the fact that it was snowing at times did not improve the situation. Typically snow brightens my mood. It covers everything with this wonderful clean, white sheen. Except that today everything melted on contact so instead of making the world pure the snow instead just made everything damp.
So I am in one of those dark, self-doubting moods at the moment. The type where everything in your life is viewed from the negative perspective instead of the positive. I know there are people who would consider this to be no different than my usual personae. I mean, the cynical bastard is always viewing things from a darker perspective than the rest, right? Except for me that is not really true. I tend to view the world with awe and wonder and the cynicism is driven from the fact that the rest of the world just doesn’t seem to possess the same set of eyes that I do. I don’t consider myself to be a part of a flawed world; I see myself as a resident of a glorious place whose habitants consistently fail to do it justice.
I guess what the weather and the fact that I have to work again is driving me to is address a question that was posed to me recently as to why I tend to suffer from a lack of self-confidence. On the surface it really does seem silly that I would so often doubt my own worth. I’ve been extremely successful in life and have already accomplished more than I ever dreamed of. I’ve overcome the obstacles that have been placed in my way. Yet the doubt still creeps in and changes me from the confident, poised version of myself to the insecure, baffling version of myself.
I really wish I knew where that insecurity came from. I always tend to blame the fact that when I was younger I was just a shy, geeky kid who got picked on just a little more than was probably healthy. But I have a hard time believing that what happened decades ago is influencing who I am today. Or at least if it was I should have climbed above it like I did with everything else. In reality I just think it is my analytical mind coming back to haunt me. When faced with a difficult situation I look for the worst case scenario and focus on it. To the point that it will actually arise in a wonderful self-defeating prophecy that makes you wonder just how evolution ever decided that the way my brain is wired is considered to be a benefit. So I lack confidence because I fear that I will fail and I fear that I will fail because I am focused on what will happen if I fail and that focus causes me to fail.
I hate the guy I become when I am insecure. It isn’t who I am at all. The real me is fun and smart and relaxed. I’m trying to move beyond the other guy. I’m better on some days than on others. But I am trying. And with that, who knows, maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ve been listening to this song for two years now. It still tugs at my heart every time I hear it. I’m posting it again in honor of the one year anniversary of the greatest Oscar win ever. Fair play to those who dare to dream.
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