(As some of you know, this has been a rather tough past few days for me. I'm dealing with it by doing what I always do: cracking jokes, remembering the good times and contemplating the meaning of it all. This post will focus on the first part. This is my version of therapy.)
So I am one of the few, the proud, the many AOL users. Yes I know that it is totally uncool to still have an AOL email address but you have to put things in perspective. I have had that email address since 1995. It is nearly impossible for me to change my email address because mine predates everyone else's. (Technically I had a Prodigy email that outdated them all but even I quit that.) What this means though is I get a wonderful batch of spam on a daily basis and I thought that it would be fun to go through it based on the subject headers.
Cleanse & Flush up to 20 lbs from your colon: Have you ever seen a 20 pound dumbbell? Yeah, I in no way want to have one of those flushed out of me especially given the point of egress in this scenario. What frightens me more is that 20 pounds would be 10% of my body weight. Somehow I don't feel that having 10% of me flushed out is a helthy proposition.
Make serious extra cash typing from home: This one really confuses me. First off, who actually owns a typewriter any more? If you receive this message as an email it implies that you have a computer. If you have a computer why would you need to type something. I mean, wouldn't you just scan it in and be done with it? Or print out copies of it? Is there anything done where it is handwritten and you would have to transcribe it anymore? This seems like the biggest scam that I have ever seen.
As seen on Oprah! Lose up to 20 pounds with Acai berry: Because if there is anyone that I turn to for long lasting diet advice it is Oprah. I'm very concerned about what would happen if I combined this with my first email. I would now be down 40 pounds in less than a month. Sure, I would have lost weight but between the berries and the constant colon cleansing I doubt that I would be able to attract the opposite sex.
Monster and Career Builder Job Search Results: This comes from this summer while I was in job search mode. I set up a number of automatic search queries where I would be emailed daily regarding potential opportunities. Even though I am now gainfully and happiloy employed I've kept the queries going just to get a sense of the market. Here is what I've learned. A) At least 80% of the resumes that I submitted through online sites resulted in no reaction from the companies I applied to. B) The same unknown companies appear week after week in the search results (for the same job in the same city). C) For some reason Monster is still convinced that I have a health care background. They are now recommending that I apply for a job as a gastroentrologist. Now I've bs'ed my way through a number of job interviews in my life but that would be a challenge. I'm not sure if my "I can learn as I go along" spiel would work.
Stay warm this holiday season with Snuggie: I received this email on Friday. Now let's discount the entire Slanket concept that is the Snuggie. Let's even ignore the fact that people who are unable to properly operate a blanket are most likely not online. I'm more concerned about what holiday season we are referring to. It's the first week of February. Is there a whole Groundhog Day/Valentine's Day/President's Day holiday season that I am completely unaware of? Are they now combined into one uber holiday where we express our love via rodents while wearing a comical top hat? Or is it too cost prohibitive to change the heading on an email?
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Frames "Burn the Maps"
2) Josh Rouse "Home"
3) Sarah McLachlan "The Freedom Sessions"
4) Big Head Todd and the Monsters "Live Monsters"
5) Kelly Willis "Well Traveled Love"
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