Need a Case of Digital Zima

Given that college football season is upon us I feel that it is paramount that I discuss two of the greatest inventions of the past decade. The first is shown above, in a very bad camera phone photo. You might not be able to make it out but that is a video game at a bar that allows you to play, how can I put it, Virtual Cornhole. Ok, that sounds a lot dirtier than I wanted it to. Essentially it is a video bean bag toss game. Yes, you can now play bean bag toss virtually in a bar. And I swear to God, there are two bars within two blocks of my apartment that have this sitting in the back right now.

Now I understand people playing cornhole while tailgating (yeah, there is no way to write this and not sound really perverted). It’s a good way to waste time while drinking and it’s a lot less dangerous than setting up a horseshoe pit in a parking lot or breaking out the Jarts. But, speaking as someone who has spent an awful lot of time in bars, I’ve never thought “You know what would make the night complete? If we could play bean bag toss right now and I didn’t actually have to bend over to pick up the bags.” I really want to meet the guy who came up with this idea, mainly just to find out just what drugs he is on.

The other I just need to link to first.

Beer Pong For the Wii

Yes, in what will easily be the best use of a game system ever we will soon be able to play Beer Pong on a Nintendo Wii. No longer will we have to go through the hassle of setting up the cups, finding a ping pong ball or hiding your activities from a bar owner who has banned drinking games. Now we can just get blitzed in the comfort of our own homes and/or dorm rooms. Add in quarters and cups and I think that I’ll go back to school just so I could tell kids in my day we didn’t have all of these fancy machines. We had to use actual cups and actual tables. And we couldn’t even afford beer, the cups were empty half the time.

So this really is a sign that the college experience is changing. It’s one thing that you never have to worry about calling a girl you like and having to talk to her roommate. That was a right of passage in my day and in one instance, resulted in my dating the roommate instead. But now it would just be email or calling a cel and you don’t even have to go through this external judge. Instead of looking through the facebook you now, well, go on Facebook. But do we really need to make virtual versions of Cornhole and Beer Pong? Part of the enjoyment is the sheer stupidity of the action. I have a feeling that the only people who play these games are guys in their mid-thirties trying to relive their youth.

Speaking of that, this is my last weekend of my 33’s. Yep, next week I’ll be 34 and will undoubtedly be in my mid-30’s. I’ll just be over in the corner, rocking gently and sobbing about growing old. While I’m happy with what I’ve done I can’t say that my life is what I want it to be. Expect a lot more on this next week. Until then, enjoy the holidays and go Irish and Illini.

Critical Definitions

It dawned on me while watching Weird Al that I had seen an awful lot of bands playing the Uptown Theater. So, for the Wednesday Night Music Club I thought that I would feature one of them. This is Damien Rice performing a mind blowing version of “I Remember”. You really need to watch or at least listen to this one. It will be ten minutes well spent. Plus, it just shows what an incredible addition Lisa Hannigan was to his performance.

(For those wondering, I’ve also seen Wilco, Lyle Lovett, Lindsay Buckingham and Elvis Costello each play the Uptown Theater. Now realize that Weird Al can play the exact same venue as those guys. I don’t know if I should be depressed or extremely impressed. As someone who is still petitioning for the Monkees to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame I really think you could make a case for Weird Al. Who else could be relevant as a novelty artist for nearly thirty years?)

Not surprisingly, I did get a fair amount of crap today for attending a Weird Al concert. I wish I could pass it off as field research but let’s face it, it’s not like they had to drag me to the show. As I mentioned last night, it was a gathering of nerds, geeks and dweebs. However, few people understand the caste system that exists between these groups.

On the bottom end is the dweeb. Dweebs tend to be scrawnish nobodies with minimal social skills. They don’t possess the intelligence of the other two groups and also tend to be slightly more anti-social. They also tend to be short, scrawny types for a reason that has never been made quite clear. Best example of a dweeb that I can think of is DJ Qualls character in The New Guy, who basically starts out the movie as a complete loser.

Next up is the geek. Geeks are best identified by their intense fandom into one specific genre. This gives us Star Trek geeks, Star Wars geeks, Buffy geeks, D&D geeks, and of course Comic Book geeks. These people will spend every waking moment learning every bit of minutiae about their chosen field and will debate whether or not Wedge Antilles really destroyed the second Death Star if given the opportunity. It’s important to note that geeks are actually a social being by nature. They go to conventions where they dress up as their favorite characters and have in-depth conversations while in character. It’s kind of the entire point of being a geek, to meet up with other geeks. Why learn Klingon if you don’t have anyone else to talk to? Sure, they might only be interacting with a very small niche. This separates them from the last class, the ruling class, and the one that I am a member of.

This of course would be the nerd. Most often represented by the symbols of the caste (glasses, allergies and an unearthly competency with math) the nerd is the highly intellectual yet socially backward ruler of this underworld. There is no problem that cannot be solved with an equation, no situation that cannot be rectified by reading a book. In essence, the dream of every nerd is to discover the meaning of life by sitting in a quiet room with no outside distractions and just thinking. Other people just get in the way of true knowledge.

Hence, nerds tend to have issues with relationships. My best example is based on something a friend told me. When women tell you about their problems it is vital to remember that they are looking for sympathy and not solutions. This is a problem given that my entire livelihood revolves around being presented with a problem, analyzing it, and developing a flowchart filled with critical tasks and timelines in order to solve it. Women don’t want that as they already know the solution before they even start complaining. I still don’t know if I’ve ever learned this important fact.

Yep, so in the end I’m a nerd albeit one with some geekish tendencies. It’s what happens when you grow up fascinated by math and science and grab an engineering degree. I’m not bothered by it anymore. Thirty plus years of being called a nerd does result in granting you a rather thick skin when it comes to insults and trust me, I’ve heard all of them. But this is what makes me who I am and it’s what made me successful. I might wish that I was smoother or a little less detailed focus but I really wouldn’t want to be somebody who wasn’t me.

Well We Don't Sound Like Madonna...

In my four years in Kansas City I’ve seen a lot of concerts. When Social Distortion came to town, I was there. When Ani DiFranco came to town, I was there. I saw the Shins before they were famous. I had a beer with Iris DeMent who introduced me to her step-daughter using a tone of voice that implied that she wanted the two of us to date. I’ve seen the Ditty Bops perform on stilts, the Brunettes perform in Olsen twin masks and Glen Kotche accompanied by forty five boxes of crickets. And I never experienced anything quite like tonight. Yes, I admit it. I broke down and went to see Weird Al Yankovic.

There are several questions that run through your head at a Weird Al show. Such as “What the hell am I doing at a Weird Al show?” or “Why did I pay forty bucks to see Weird Al?” or “When did my life spiral so far out of control that I of sound mind and flabby body decided that my best entertainment option was Weird Al?” Well, my only explanation is a) someone did recommend it in the comments and b) it’s kind of obvious that I’m a bit of a nerd.

(One day I will discuss the differences between nerds and geeks and dweebs. Weird Al is a bit more of a geek thing so as a nerd I could sit in the back and act superior. It’s a very minor victory.)

I’ll have to say of all the shows that I’ve seen in four years this one had the most extensive light show. Including a hanging video wall that was used to show the videos, UHF and various segments of Al TV, all of which were cool in either they enhanced the performance or provided cover for any of the myriad costume changes. Of course, it does raise the question of why I was paying to watch videos that I saw on MTV for free two decades ago but who am I to judge. There were costume changes a plenty, at times it was song, costume change, next song with the whole band changing. On that, if you are going to look like another band you should at least try vaguely acting like them. If you are dressed like Kris Novaselic from Nirvana you really need to play bass while pogoing and for crying out loud don’t even dare dress like Tom Morello from Rage and play guitar flat footed.

Oh, and in one of those things that I have to swear on my honor that I am not making up, he also had two women performing a sign language translation for the deaf. I am dead serious here. On the floor right next to the stage these two women would trade off signing the words to the song. I have never seen that before and probably never will again. I’m still trying to figure out how it worked.

I know the music critic in me needs to give the show crap but it’s a rather tough proposition coming from someone who owns several lightsabers. He put on a nearly two and a half hour show that was fun and never had me looking at my watch. In the middle of the set he went into short attention span theater where he would just play a minute of each of a dozen or so of his songs and it worked. Given my other entertainment options on a Tuesday night in KC I had to say this was my best choice. And hey, I finally got to hear “Smells Like Nirvana” live. That’s what’s been missing in my life.

Well, that and dancing Stormtroopers. Can’t fault anyone after they bring out the Stormtroopers.

Mystery: Threat or Menace?

And now, back to the continuing saga that is The Pick Up Artist.

Episode 3: Hey Baby, Want To See My Vorpal Sword?

When last we joined our intrepid group of Level 1 Characters in search of a Dungeon Master, Fat Joe gained a suit coat of invincibility, Alvaro showed a need for a Charisma boost, and Spoon decided that he would rather be a Cleric. Since Cleric’s are lame, Spoon was booted off the show. Now only seven remain. Who will slay the Ogre of Low Self-Esteem? Who will conquer the Hyrda of Shyness? Will any of these guys ever even see the Holy Grail? Let’s find out.

After the usual “let’s talk about the dude that was eliminated”, Mystery calls in on the Virgin Mobile batphone to tell them to make their way to the Griffin school for the reward challenge. After discussing how awesome winged lions are (ok, they didn’t but I would have) Mystery tells them the importance of showing passion in your stories. Even more so than what you are actually talking about. So, for the reward challenge they will have to tell a group of women a story. Ok, tell a group of five year old girls the story of Goldilocks. I’m not quite sure how this is training for the club scene but who knows, maybe I should pull out a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales next weekend.

Blonde Joe, the dude who everyone thinks is gay, puts together an animated and cute story. Alvaro, who is now being called Kosmo for some bizarre reason, falls apart and I think may have put some of the kids into therapy. Fred, the 45 year old accountant/virgin, seemed to just say screw it, I’m going to lose. Scott, stuck doing an EC impression, realized that telling the same story to a group of five year olds four times in a row is an impossibile task and started retelling the story of Duke’s thrilling East Regional Final victory over Kentucky. (Ok, again, that’s what I would have done.) Fat Joe goes for crowd interaction and it works. Brady put them to sleep. Pradeep gets them all sitting on his lap and ends up being attacked by five year olds. When it comes to the voting by the girls, Pradeep flirts and makes faces to win the votes. Yes, a dude is willing to suck up to five year olds to win a contest on how to meet women. I’d try to avoid that one on the resume. For his trouble, Pradeep learns a magic trick from Mystery to use while talking to a woman. On the plus side, I’m pretty sure he’ll get maced if he tries it. Also, I love how the fact that Mystery goes “I’ve never shared this with anyone” and then it is filmed and put on television.

After that we have the next lesson on the importance of stories and being interesting. This could be summed up best in the words of Henry Rollins when he said that in the first minute of every conversation every guy is trying to convey the fact that he is straight, disease free and not a serial killer. Basically it is the importance of showing that you have a life and options. Personally, the best advice I ever had on this point was only talk about things that happened within the past two months or will happen next month. Shows that you are totally in the moment, even if you have to fudge some timeframes. Mystery also mentions a bit of the Tao, which is a much better tactic than a freaking magic trick.

(Oh, and my doppelganger Scott just admitted to being a D&D player. Jeez, I really could have been on this show.)

Anyway, it’s competition time as we send our band of hobbits out of the shire and into the club. To start they are given their Virgin Mobile phones to place the numbers they are going to receive. (Personally, I’m a big fan of you give the girl your number. That way, she knows that she controls the situation and I don’t have to leave rambling messages on voice mails that I know will never be returned. And if she does call, game on.)

Fat Joe goes out and looks and acts like a cool casino pit boss. Blonde Joe is smooth as hell and actually fit into a random group better than I think I have ever done without heavy libations. Scott, ugh. He tries hard but, man, show some skill dude. D&D players unite or something. Brady, who actually looks good enough that he shouldn’t need this show, needs Scott to introduce him to someone and then does more wrong things in two sentences than I typically do in an entire night. Kosmo showed off my worst habit, talking bad about myself in front of others. The Fred/Pradeep tag team is highlighted by a Pradeep (beep) block that amongst any group of guys that I know would have resulted in a beer bottle to the skull. Blonde Joe wins and it wasn’t even close.

(By the way, the biggest mistake these guys make is that they are all making up stories. Fake careers, fake backgrounds, fake dating histories. That should be the first rule in talking to women: don’t lie. Women know when you are lying. They can also sense fear. They’re much like bears that way.)

Elimination time and in what is no surprise Fred is sent back to the wonderful world of spreadsheets. It really wasn’t fair for him to be on the show. He’s 45 and based on the “half your age plus seven” rule he could only focus on women 30 and up. You’re just not going to find them in clubs.

Episode 4: My First Girlfriend was a Real Peach

After the obligatory “Dude, I can’t believe that someone was eliminated” segment, actually, let’s talk about that. Why does every reality show spend the first five minutes acting as if no one had ever seen a reality show before? Of course someone got eliminated. It’s the entire point. You’re on a game show. Anyway, we start off with my slightly less evil twin Scott getting up early and studying in preparation. Dude, that guy really is me. When faced with any challenge, including meeting women, the obvious solution is “study harder.”

(Also, Mystery seems to have stolen his hat from the lead singer of 4 Non Blondes. Maybe I shouldn’t be taking life lessons from this guy.)

The lesson today is on kissing. Thankfully, Mystery doesn’t teach this one himself and has two of his female friends go over the finer points. Fat Joe raises the brilliant question of “how do I know if I’m going to get slapped” and is told that he “has to be aware of the signs.” Personally, this is why I think women should be required to carry LED billboards to make this a lot clearer. Anyway, after our band of brothers make out with fruit (don’t ask) it’s time for the reward competition where they get to kiss an actual woman.

I’m not sure how to do play by play on this. Dudes make out with a woman with varying degrees of success. I mean, it’s not like I have a scoring system for judging how people make out. Sadly, you don’t get my usual issues of “which way do you tilt your head” and “what about the glasses” or even “keep your eyes opened or closed”. Kosmo wins and gets Mystery talking to him through an earpiece at the club. Apparently we’ve also walked into the movie Roxanne, which will be cool if it means Darryl Hannah is going to be showing up soon.

Challenge time and this time they are sent into the club with the intent purpose of kissing a woman (with her permission). Love how Mystery had to add that bit at the end there. This actually is a challenge and shows that they are trying to become a Pick Up Artist. I’m not sure if the Tao would have you trying to hook up within thirty minutes of meeting someone. At least not in my interpretation of it. Still, this means that there is a distinct possibility of someone getting maced tonight in something other than the D&D sense of the term. Let’s see what happens.

Brady has a drunk girl running her fingers through his hair and he still doesn’t close. Also, why the hell are you asking about MySpace? That’s not good drunk girl conversation. Fat Joe seems to have regressed into that guy at the party most likely to do a keg stand and just blows a conversation. Pradeep seems to want to optimize the clubs sitting arrangements and his only success seems to come from the fact that he is so damn forceful about everything. Oh, and he offered free booze, which is always a plus. Scott, shows momentum, gets blocked, and starts to feel awkward and leave. Again, apparently I was actually cast on this show. Blonde Joe does the best performance of anyone so far and probably should have kissed her. When she says you have a cute smile go for it. Kosmo, thanks to Mystery guiding him all the way, actually makes out with someone in a booth. So I guess what this means is that I need to rehire my coaching staff who used to follow me at bars and act like third base coaches whenever I talked to anyone.

Elimination time and it’s between Brady, Pradeep and Scott. So it’s GQ looks but no skill versus the annoying guy from your engineering class versus, for lack of a better description, me. I’m not feeling too confident about this. And in a decision that can only be called complete bullshit Scott gets eliminated from the show. Yeah, it’s now like tv shows are telling me that I suck (in addition to Everybody Hates Chris being plastered on billboards around the country). The reason Mystery gave was that Pradeep had more potential. In reality, Pradeep makes a much better character and is kept around for storyline purposes. Still, even though Scott had a complete lack of game at least he was earnest about it. Guess it’s time for him to go back to World of Warcraft.

Next week: Hitting on women in pools. Hitting on women in the daytime. The guys cry, possibly due to pepper spray. And since I’m now caught up on episodes, only one recap a week.

One more for the walk home...

Tonight’s Edition of The Best of 120 Minutes: Harkening back to the golden era of my youth, also known as 1993, for Belly’s “Feed the Tree”. Ah, back to when I was just a junior in college. Things were simpler then, though most of my days were mainly filled with memorizing circuit diagrams. I had a rather misspent youth. Anyway, this is a rather cool and dizzying video and I have a huge crush on Tanya Donnelly to this day. You might wonder why I seem to mainly post videos from musicians that I have crushes on. Well, it’s my blog and I’ll do whatever the hell I please.

Oh, and does it amaze anyone else that this song was a legitimate hit single? Could you believe any song like this making the top of the charts today? Hell, if I started a discussion on how awesome the new Rilo Kiley disc is no one would have a clue what I was talking about. Even when I mention that it features cast members from both Troop Beverly Hills and Salute Your Shorts.

I received some rather sobering news last night. It seems that I missed the last night of Jim the Bartender at Harry’s as he has made his way to Memphis to start his own business. (All the luck in the world to you, Jim.) Now, those who know of my habits and hangouts in this town will know that this is rather challenging news to me. Jim was as close as I’ve ever gotten to having a personal bartender in this town. It’s not just that he would start pouring my beer as soon as I walked in the door. It’s not that he once handed me my drink over three rows of people trying to order before I had even said hello. It probably has something to do with the fact that he would see me at concerts and tackle me from behind going “What are you doing out on a school night?” Saturday nights in the fall just aren’t going to be the same without my going to the bar with the task of giving Jim the breakdown of the evening college football games and the full SEC scoreboard.

(Jim is also the one who would go “You’re late” when I would walk into the bar after midnight. Apparently I had my own shift at the bar. Well, I did try to purchase one of the barstools once. I just wanted a personal seat license. I’d have a blast going up to people and going “You’re in my seat. Literally. My name is on it.”)

In other Westport bar news, there is now a dress code for Kelly’s. Or at least a sign informing of a dress code for Kelly’s. Officially, it is just a ban on baggy white t-shirts but it just seems wrong for Kelly’s to have a dress code of any kind. It is a pretty much anything goes sort of establishment. One where you have to take extra effort to walk through as your shoes have an unnerving tendency to stick to the floor. In my mind, that is usually a sign of a good bar. It means that people have been having a good time there for many years.

Not much else to report this weekend. Just sort of hung out and did stuff. When you see an improve troop on a Saturday night because your other options are watch Nascar or Apollo 13 for the 57th time it just gives a sense of where your life is at. Maybe this week will prove to be more interesting.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Various Artists “Soundtrack for the motion picture ‘Once’”
2) Rufus Wainwright “Want One”
3) Lyle Lovett “Step Inside This House”
4) Beth Orton “The Other Side of Daybreak”
5) Terrence Simien “Jam the Jazzfest”

What's on my mindset

Three questions I would like answered. Please reply in the comments if you have any ideas…

1) On Tuesday night I have the opportunity to see Weird Al Yankovic in concert. Would this be a good thing or a bad thing?
2) I’m drafting fifth in my fantasy football league. Who should Cobra Kai, the team where fear does not exist, select when they are on the board?
3) If you were dating a girl and discovered that she owned a copy of Jewel’s “A Night Without Armor” collection of poems could you still continue to date her?

On to the main topic at hand. Our good friends at Beloit College have put together the Mindset List for the Class of 2011. It’s a list made primarily made to help me better relate to the young kids I find myself standing next to at shows in Lawrence. It also just shows how old I really am. Here’s some of the highlights.

#1: What Berlin Wall?: Wow, that would really be history in their minds. Also, they wouldn’t get any East German swimmer jokes, which is kind of a shame. It does also mean that they’ve always known a free Czech Republic, which is a good thing.

#4: They never “rolled down” a car window: This is why they will be completely helpless when their car battery dies. You know, I understand the minor convenience in power windows but really, was that development truly necessary? It seems to be, well, a waste of electricity.

#7: They have grown up with bottled water: And will most likely lead the charge to ban it. Though you’ll have to get the flavored Aquafina out of my cold dead hands to do it.

#11: Rap music has always been mainstream: Never again will white suburban kids know the absolute joy of playing Public Enemy at full volume while driving through the subdivision. It’s so tough to rebel when you bought the most popular album around.

#14: Music has always been “unplugged”: I’m not sure if I agree with this. Pretty much every generation from the beginning of time can claim that their music has always been unplugged. It’s only been recently where we can discuss music being plugged. Better to say that we’ve now had nearly twenty years of bands putting out bad acoustic records in an attempt to save their failing career.

#15: Russia has always had a multi-party political system: Technically correct though right now it is Putin and Anyone Who Is Dumb Enough To Run Against Putin.

#18: The NBA season has always gone on and on and on and on: This is actually incorrect. The NBA season has always been 82 games long for as long as I’ve known it. With the exception of the first round going from best of five to best of seven the playoffs are the same with just some additional off days. Come on Beloit, you can do better than that.

#20: Half of them may have been members of The Baby Sitters Club: Which helps to explain why they all lined up for Harry Potter. (And seriously, who else here thinks Ron ends up with a massive drinking problem due to having to listen to Hermione be right about everything for twenty years? Am I the only one who thinks that way? I’d put good money that half the time he ends up sleeping on the couch in Hagrid’s shack.)

#25: Wolf Blitzer has always been serving up the news on CNN: Hence, college freshmen will have an inordinate number of phobias around bearded men.

#28: They never found a prize in a Coca-Cola “MagiCan”: Or had the prize mechanism fail so that you end up drinking a rather disgusting liquid. Or have your dreams of a nice refreshing beverages quashed by discovering that you had won a nice refreshing beverage that you could enjoy at a later date. Great example of a contest gone wrong.

#29: They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages: Apparently something about wearing studded leather, chaps and breaking the law.

#33: U2 has always been more than a spy plane: Let’s see, college freshmen would be bore in 1989 or 1990 so U2 has been a) the greatest band on the planet (Achtung Baby), b) great band getting odd (Zooropa), c) a has been who doesn’t get that they’ve become the joke (Pop), d) a band reborn into relevance (All that you can’t leave behind) and e) that band with that dude who keeps on telling me how I should live my life (all the time, really).

#40: They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butthead laugh: Wow, who let eight year old watch Beavis and Butthead? I drove my parents crazy with the laugh and I was 22 at the time. (And 32 and probably when I’m 42 I’ll still be able to recite the entire “Dark voices inside my head” bit.)

#42: Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus: Hint to incoming freshmen: don’t be a women’s studies majors. Well, unless you plan on marrying a very rich guy…

#55: MTV has never featured videos: Freshmen would have turned ten in 1999 or 2000 so this statement is entirely accurate. And incredibly sad. It’s not like there were any good videos to show but how a channel called Music Television can no longer have anything to do with music and be considered a good thing is beyond me.

#57: Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV: On the plus side, they’ll always realize that there life isn’t nearly as screwed up as other peoples.

#62: They have no idea who Rusty Jones was or why he said “goodbye to rusty cars”: To be honest, my job is pop culture references and I don’t know who Rusty Jones was. Maybe it’s a Wisconsin thing.

Have a great weekend everyone. Last one before college football so use your Saturday wisely.

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Sorry guys, got to test the system again

Opening Soon: The Scotch Tape Store

Lots of topics tonight…

Topic # 1: In tonight’s installment of the Wednesday Night Music Club, a video from the cutest band in existence The Ditty Bops. For those wondering, Amanda is the tall cute one and Abby is the short cute one. The music is so sweet you risk diabetes just by listening to it. I’m not quite sure how a guy who wears black and listens to The Smiths all the time can dig this but man, I hear this song once and it stays with me all day long.

Topic # 2: On a related note, I’m going to be expanding the music selection of the blog. My apologies to those of you on dial up but if I had to upgrade so do you. Basically the thought is that Wednesday night will feature all of the bands that I listen to and see who are flying well under the radar. I’ll use it mainly to provide proof that the bands that I talk about do technically exist. Sunday Nights will be “Best of 120 Minutes” as I will post a classic alt-rock video from the days of my youth. Not sure if anyone else will dig this but I’ll enjoy it.

Topic # 3: Turned on the TV this morning and the newscaster went “President Bush awoke this morning in Kansas City…”, which pretty much explained that piercing cry of existential despair I heard this morning. It’s a sound very familiar to me as you wake up and suddenly go, “How in God’s name did I end up here again?” Though to be honest the invasion of the presidential candidates that we’ve been experiencing lately has made me feel like I’m in Iowa. That is in no way a good thing.

Topic # 4: Bad news from Westport as it looks like the Napoleon Bakery is going to be closing. Don’t have any official word but the note on the door saying “We’ll be closed for awhile in order to take our family vacation” is not promising. Neither is the huge For Sale sign in front of the building either. That would be a bummer as it is one of those nice alternatives to the pre-package blandness that you find elsewhere. It’s one of those places that makes me feel like I live in an actual neighborhood as opposed to a collection of strip malls.

On a similar note, there is a new store in Westport that I need to write about before it goes out of business, which will probably be next Tuesday. Honestly, I can’t figure out how they didn’t close a week after opening. See, at the far end of Westport Road (to the point that it is actually 43rd Street) they’ve opened a boutique underwear store. For men and women with also a swimwear collection but the main focus is on underwear with more of a male bent based on the window display. Now Westport is a cool and eclectic place but this is shop is way out on the edge where there is no foot traffic and I only know about it because I drive by it all the time. Which makes me wonder about the entire business model.

I can draw up a scenario where this would work. Get a town with a nice art district with some unique shops and this would work. Lots of foot traffic, lots of people looking for something different and you’ll get people in the door. However, the storefront facing a busy street where no one walks just doesn’t seem to work. I’m not even sure if a boutique underwear store would fit anywhere in KC. That just seems too adventurous by a factor of ten. I mean, I wish them luck as they do make my drive home slightly more interesting but I have a feeling that these guys would not win any business plan competitions.

Topic # 5: Speaking of driving, yesterday on my way to work I passed by Rockhurst High School and on their sign they had “Welcome Class of 2011”. As a member of the class of 1991 this might explain why I was found at work curled under my desk in the fetal position. That just made me feel really, really old. I mean, worse than when I was in Lawrence the night before. On that note, tomorrow will be the annual analysis of the Beloit list. How old am I? Will I ever be able to relate to a college student again? You’ll have to wait and see.

The Gospel of Mystery

Here it is, the long anticipated The Pick Up Artist episode guide. For those who aren’t aware of this wonderful piece of television, VH-1 has created a reality show in which master pick up artists teach a group of losers, geeks and dweebs the secrets of life until one of them is named Master Pick Up Artist. It is filled with humor, cringes and just vaguely resembles some episodes in my life. I’ll be providing synopsis for each episode, which should be fun even if you don’t watch the show. Bad pick-up lines are fun for all. Tonight, episodes 1 and 2 with episodes 3 and 4 to follow next week.

Episode 1: Getting To Know You…

The first episode was the pretty basic “meet the contestants and get a sense of the show”. No elimination either though they did send the contestants into a club to see their skill level. So, I’ll focus on the contestants and my first impressions.

The Pick Up Artists
Mystery: The Master Pick Up Artist (which is apparently a union job title) and the overall host and leader of the show. An admitted nerd and Dungeons and Dragons player as a kid who now travels the world meeting women and teaching guys how to meet women when he isn’t working his other job as a magician. He seems pretty genuine in actually wanting to teach guys this mysterious art. Has that cool air of the unknown about him, though I would probably avoid getting the tattoo of red lips on the side of my neck. Still, I’d hire him just to teach me while only using D&D analogies. Also, note to self, twenty years from now when I’m hiring a magician for my kids birthday part remember not to hire Mystery.

El Matador: The only one of the pick up artists who has a look where you could conceivably work a desk job as well. Not much known about him at first as he reminds me of a low rent version of my buddy Gabriel. To be honest, Gabriel would be a much better host for this show. Dude could meet someone just by walking into a bar and grinning.

J-Dog: Another self-professed geek turned pro with clearly dyed blonde hair with black stripes. Basically he looks like a total douchebag. Given that in my learned opinion women pride douchebaggery in a man he probably can teach lessons on how to be a total tool. Still, what a douche.

And our ragtag collection of freaks and geeks…
Alvaro: A 23 year old guy who is actually fit, boxes and has a pretty good look but just seems to be pretty clueless at the whole meeting women thing. In his first test he went in the club and just stood there and talked to no one. Grabbed a beer and a wall and hoped that something would fall in his lap. I don’t even do that, at least not typically. At least sit at the bar and smoke. That’s a start.

Brady: Another guy with a pretty good look who just has low self-esteem. Could go far in this show as he mainly just needs to pull his head out of his ass.

Fred: A 45 year old virgin. Looks like an accountant. Probably is an accountant. On the whole, I get the feeling that he would rather be accounting. Won’t last long as there is an age at which meeting women at bars is no longer an option and he is past that point (and I’m brushing up against it.)

Joe D: The heavyset dude who was like your fifth best friend in college. You know, the dude who was funny at times but was mainly kept around because he always bought beer. I dislike him immediately because at the first test he wore a bad polo shirt that not only ruined his game but would ruin the game of people within a hundred yard radius. Will he get cooler? Will women view him as anything but a friend? For a reason that will become immediately clear, I will simply refer to him as Fat Joe.

Joe W: The easy favorite to win it all. Guy has a good look, starts strong in a conversation but tends to lose the conversation and “women tend to think he’s gay.” That’s not a bad starting point. That means that women think you are stylish, attentive and sensitive. With a little work you’re the complete package. He’ll be known as Blonde Joe, mainly because Vaguely Homosexual Joe would be much too long to type.

Pradeep: Anyone who has taken an introduction to electric circuits course (what, just me?) knows a Pradeep. He’s the dude who asks three thousand questions in class, will argue over words in the syllabus and just generally analyze every aspect of life to the nth degree and then tell you about it in excruciating detail. My four years of college were basically spent having Pradeeps ask me questions because I tended to be someone who knew what was going on while never realizing that I might have a hangover and be in no mood to talk. Will go far simply because he makes good television. In reality, women don’t want to date a Pradeep and guys want to bludgeon him with a shovel.

Scott: Looks like me at 26. Poor bastard. I mean, I could hope for the best here but it took me much more than eight weeks to pull myself together. I’ll give him credit for asking for a girl’s number immediately in the bar. Showed a lot of courage if not any tact.

Spoon: When your last name is Poon I guess you’ll accept a nickname of Spoon. Given the alternatives I would settle for that one. Not only appears to be awkward around women but seems scared to death around them. As if they were some strange mystical creature that came out of the primordial forests and could be poisonous. Not going to last very long.

The Setting: Austin, Texas, which seems totally unfair. What type of a challenge is it to meet cool and interesting women in Austin? Bring these guys to KC and let them work, that’s a frigging challenge. They are apparently using real clubs, real women, and the latest in hidden camera technology. Still, my first line to any woman would be “want to be on tv?”

Episode 2: Do You Have a Towel? My Car Just Hit a Water Buffalo.

So the first reward challenge is to build an Avatar. My immediate thought, and why I’m still amazed my agent didn’t get me booked for this, is “Cool, we get to go on Second Life and make computer characters!” Yeah, that’s pretty much how I live. Anyway, what the contest is really about is giving yourself a makeover and getting a look under the peacock theory. You know, show off your plumage. Hence we get scenes of our band of freaks and geeks wearing tight jeans, getting body waxed and Pradeep performing a cost benefit analysis on wearing a pink shirt.

Brady kills with his style change. Blonde hair, good look with a t-shirt and suit jacket. Spoon won, for some bizarre reason, despite the fact that any guy who wears a tie without a collared shirt looks a) like he time warped in from the 80’s and b) like a total moron. Incredibly, Frank tried to look like a teenager instead of going for the sophisticated suit look. Scott, who looks so much like me at 26 I’m frightened, decided to put in some blue highlights to his hair and wear a pink shirt and gain attention in the same manner as a neon sign.

(Personally, I probably would have finished upper half in this competition. I’d just clean up my hair, avoid any unnecessary piercings and try for the vintage t-shirt, sport jacket look. Outside of that, I’d just, as Barney would say, suit up.)

Then they are taught their first lesson, which is on the opening greeting. And when I mean taught I mean these guys have some pretty heavy duty notebooks out. My man Scott seems to be building a freaking flow chart based on all of the conversational gambits that he is meant to employ. I’m not sure how I feel about having a stock opener. Works in certain situations, definitely helps is you have a wingman with you, but can come off feeling so fake. Always better to take what the environment gives you that to start off with fiction. But here is the test.

Scott crashes and burns. Brady is pretty smooth with a flossing question (not a bad opener actually) and actually meets women without scaring them away. Frank sounds not just like he is reading from a script but as if he is reading from a script from a bad 80’s teen sex comedy. He’s coming across like a really creepy old man here. Blonde Joe has more energy than focus but I still have hope for the guy. Fearlessness is a benefit at times. Fat Joe changed his look from frat guy to mafia strip club owner and it definitely is a move in the right direction. Alvaro asked if people want to see him breakdance. Yeah. Maybe you’re better off just standing next to the bar. Pradeep still hasn’t figured out it is about them and not you. Spoon looks like he is going to have a nervous breakdown. Dude, rejection isn’t that bad. Trust me. Remember Ted Williams, fail six times out of ten and you are still the best. In the end, Fat Joe wins and I can’t really disagree there. Spoon decides to quit the show. Guy was literally scared to death half the time. He needs to make huge self esteem changes before anything else.

Coming up: more bad pickup lines. More failed conversations. And hopefully much shorter recaps.

Moon Over the Freeway

Since it’s late I’ll up the multimedia component of the blog. A picture is worth a thousand words and since I average somewhere around six hundred words a night then two pictures should mean I shouldn’t have to write for days. If anything, it will help explain some of my excellent adventure tonight.

For the second straight year I found myself with tickets to two different shows occurring at the exact same time. Incredibly, they both involved one of my favorite bands, The Ditty Bops, and a classic late 80’s/early 90’s alt-rock legend playing at the Uptown (Toad the Wet Sprocket and Crowded House, respectively). In both cases, I decided to take a loss on the more expensive ticket and make my way to a crowded, sweaty club to watch two girls perform a part-bluegrass, part-vaudeville, part-performance art show. While I’m bummed that I missed the Brothers Finn I just couldn’t skip out on Abby and Amanda.

There was one slight problem though as it was unbearably hot today. The temperature wasn’t as bad as last week but it seriously must have been 120% humidity out there. It felt like you were wading through the air as you walked. Made my way to Lawrence to see the show at the Bottleneck and found out that doors were at 8 instead of 7 as it said everywhere so I walked around Mass Street in the heat. Doors open, get in the Bottleneck and yeah, it’s the Bottleneck. Every year I do one of these late August shows and I’m happy that I always remember to wear shorts because there is no air, barely any fans and I think they must have a roaring fire going somewhere in the back. I’m talking ninety plus degrees inside the club. When it’s ten at night and you’re sweating up a storm and you’re inside something is pretty screwed up.

This makes for a rather difficult show for the dynamic duo. It was tough just standing there, much less performing in front of bright lights. They still did an incredible job as they are one of the most fun bands I’ve ever seen. They sing light, happy songs with a wicked sense of humor. (They’ll be the featured act on the next Wednesday Night Music Club to make sense of this.) As always, their tours have a purpose as these shows were to support farming initiatives and to promote a petition to ban the use of plastic bags. To show how wasteful they are Abby wore a skirt made of plastic bags and Amanda, the six foot three former model, wore what can loosely be described as a bikini top made out of a Target bag. You’ll have to admit, not something you see every day and I have the pictures to prove it.

(Yes, I hate the fact that I’m now one of those guys taking photographs at shows. At least I only grab a couple and move on. Given that my digital camera is four years old, is only three megapixels and weighs like twenty pounds if anyone has some great camera suggestions let me know. At least one where I don’t feel like I need to carry a tripod with me.)

I know this has been kind of a meandering post but I do have a point that I’d like to make here. Unless someone has told you about the Ditty Bops (or if you’ve really been attentive on the Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack) you’d have no clue that this music existed. I only know about them because I saw them open for Nickel Creek two years ago. Because of that set they’ve become one of my favorite acts that win me over because they just enjoy performing. They’re doing something that could only be described as completely uncommercial. You can’t play stadiums with this music, cabarets yes, but nothing big. But I don’t think they care. They just want to play songs, promote the causes they hold dear and have fun. And sometimes that’s all I want to do as a music fan. It’s nice to listen to music and just enjoy the fact that you are in a place where this is possible.

(Tomorrow: my full analysis of the first few episodes of The Pick Up Artist. Everyone needs to be watching this show. Get my take on Mystery, El Matador and J-Dog. Find out what I think of the contestants. See me get catty at some of the few people on the planet with worse game than me. Should be cool.)

International House of Style and Pancakes

Bored bored bored bored. That’s been my mantra for most of this weekend. Just couldn’t figure out what to do, where to go, or even if getting off the couch was a good idea or not. Hell, even the Nascar race got rained out so I couldn’t even lie on the couch and watch that all afternoon. I ended up watching grade school kids play Scrabble on ESPN2 for crying out loud.

(I’m not making that up. They were literally showing a Scrabble tournament. At least in the spelling bee you get to see kids have mental breakdown. Here there is more of a lazy rainy afternoon sort of vibe. Personally, I can see a whole string of shows based on this concept. How I Met Your Mother already broached the subject of Strip Battleship and I’m pretty sure The World Series of The Game of Life will be a sure-fired ratings hit.)

(Also, my boredom did result in my figuring out how to embed YouTube videos. Basically I ignored the instructions from both Blogger and YouTube and went my own route. Hence, the Beth Orton music video sitting somewhere below this post for all to enjoy. Or at least I’ll enjoy it.)

It’s been an odd sort of weekend. I took Friday off based on my mental health day principle. The idea is that while sometimes you take days off to travel or for an event there are certain times when you take a day off just because you don’t really want to do anything. Just sleep in, relax, watch some daytime television, maybe do some shopping when there are no crowds. I do this every couple of months, a nice three day weekend with no specific goal in mind. Why this resulted in my doing laundry on a Friday morning and trying to program the names of every player in NCAA football on Saturday is beyond me. The good news is that I’ve caught up on my sleep, have prioritized my projects for the next few months and should hopefully be able to completely change my schedule over the next few weeks.

I guess the one other interesting note is more of an observation of my life as of late. For some reason, I have become slightly obsessed with cooking. Less my personally cooking and more of the entire foodie vibe that is going on right now. I’ll try to explain. Dinner tonight for me was cooking Shrimp Scampi done by taking one of those Bertolli bags, plopping it in a pan, and coming back when it is done. Not much in the way of cooking outside of the occasional stir. But, I watch Top Chef religiously, have argued with people about the very nature of The Next Food Network Star and am currently plowing through Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential. I’m really fascinated right now by the restaurant business and high end food.

This is strange coming from someone with absolutely no palate. Not in the medical sense but from a practical standpoint fast food has dulled my taste buds into submission. It was only a few months ago that I had my first dinner with a proper cheese course to which my reaction was “What the hell? Why should I be forced to select something that smells like ass?” Even so, I do realize that this is one of those cultural standards that I’ve completely missed the boat on. Plus, reality cooking shows are extremely interesting. You have talented people doing something that you know that you could theoretically do given enough time, patience and practice. It’s why I’m such a big fan of Top Chef. While other shows focus on backstabbing, lying and having the least likable person win on Top Chef the winner has to have shown some talent. It’s a nice change of pace. Sure, my dinner tomorrow will most likely be microwaved but at least now I dream of a day when I might actually use my oven.

The five random CDs of the week (still behind from last week but should finally catch up):
1) Arc Angels “Arc Angels” (Dude! I’ve been looking forward to this since I started the random CD project. Best CD I haven’t listened to in almost a decade.)
2) Sarah McLachlan “The Freedom Sessions”
3) The Shins “Oh, Inverted World”
4) Robbie Fulks “The Very Best of Robie Fulks”
5) Neko Case & Her Boyfriends “Furnace Room Lullaby”

Test

An Angel With Scorched Wings

Sometimes it is difficult to comprehend just how awesome my life truly is. I get to sit around, listen to the music I love, read the books that I enjoy, travel wherever I feel like and basically just live an unencumbered life. This also occasionally includes my driving to a bar five minutes away to meet the woman of my dreams. Well, the woman of my dreams who is technically happily married with four kids but it’s the concept that’s important. Let’s not get technical here.

I’ve told this story a few times but it might explain just why I have such strong feelings for a rather unknown country singer. I first saw Kelly perform in 1998 at the American Music Festival at Fitzgerald’s in my hometown of Berwyn, Illinois. I wasn’t there to see her. In fact, I had no clue who she was. All I knew was a paragraph preview I had read that day in which a writer described her voice as being that of “an angel with scorched wings.” That’s just the way music critics write.

Well, I’m pretty well known for giving any act one or two songs to win me over so I went to the front of the stage to watch Kelly and her band (which included at the time Jon Dee Graham and Amy Farris, both of whom are awesome performers I discovered that night). My first thought as she took the stage was that she’s really pretty. About a verse into the first song I thought that she had a really pretty voice. By the end of the first song I wanted to marry her, preferably before the encore. That’s just how stunning the performance was.

There is just something about her voice that while sweet with a nice country lilt does have that edge of someone who has seen the dark side of life. Even a love song can be tinged with sadness and regret and it makes for some wonderful music. There have been many times in my life where the only thing that has kept me going is listening to What I Deserve over and over again. The title track might be my favorite song ever and it’s the only one that sends chills down my spine every time I hear it performed. With lyrics like “I have done the best I can but what I’ve done is not who I am” I don’t know how you couldn’t be moved.

So a few months ago when I found out that Kelly was going to be touring for the first time in five years and playing Davey’s Uptown I was just thrilled. I never expected to get to see her play in a venue that small again and hell, I was just happy to see her play live without having to fly down to Austin. She had a new band but continued her tradition of having a fiddle/mandolin player who I immediately fell madly in love with. That would be the woman with the bright red hair in the out of focus picture. I’m pretty sure her name was Eleanor. No matter what, she finally puts a face to one of my two standard daydreams.

(Explanation on that: Whenever you see me blanking out or lost in my own little world, I’m typically in one of my two Walter Mitty lives. One of which has me playing in a band, well, actually two bands. See, in the first I play guitar and sing lead with the love of my life playing fiddle and singing harmony. I get to do all of my Son Volt, Uncle Tupelo, Whiskeytown, alt country stuff that I love and could at least theoretically sing. Then for the second set I strap on an electric guitar and play lead while the love of my life takes up lead vocals and does a classic Liz Phair/Blake Babies sort of thing. Hey, stuff like this helps makes meetings go a lot faster.)

The set was surprisingly tight for someone who has not been on the road in years and who is now best known for her appearance in a Claritin commercial. She played most if not all of the new album but she also played all of the great songs from What I Deserve, a number from her self-titled disc but only one from Easy, which was a little surprising. She had the same voice that hits you in the heart and Kelly seems a lot more confident on stage now. In the past she was one of those singers who always kept her eyes closed but now she is much more engaging and much more comfortable with being the center of attention. Maybe it’s due to the fact that on many of her new songs she puts down the guitar and just sings. I’m not sure if I’m entirely behind it (part of me is always drawn to the whole girl with a guitar vibe) but it does make for a bit more rocking sound. I definitely don’t fault her for trying to change her style a little bit.

So of course I stayed after the show to get my few moments to talk to her. I wish I could say that I said something brilliantly witty but I didn’t. Thanked her for coming to KC, mentioned how I used to see her in Chicago back in the day and just thanked her for her music. She signed the CD booklet for her self-titled disc for me (a disc that it took me six years to find and I had to go to a neglected corner of a store in Lawrence to find it) which is awesome. And as the picture shows, I got to have my picture taken with her. At least now there is undeniable proof that I did smile once while living in KC. Honestly, this was the coolest night that I have had all year.

Now, if I could just run into Natalie Portman at the grocery store… Even without that, is my life awesome or what?

Perfect Mates Revisited

Today’s selection for the Wednesday Night Music Club is the band I get to see next month, the incomparable Arcade Fire. Another show from the Netherlands and I wish the Dutch would be a little more enterprising and activate my login so I could post just one song and not the entire hour and a half concert. Anyway, listen to the third song of the show “No Cars Go” as it has my vote to be named the new national anthem of Canada.

My Perfect Mate list came up in conversation tonight (and has been mentioned in passing last week) so I thought that it would be time to reexamine it. For those not familiar with the concept, a Perfect Mate is someone who, if they knocked on my door right now with a priest standing beside them and said “EC, wanna get married? Now or never” I would say yes without even hesitating. And by marry I mean to death do us part. These are women who I will gladly sit next to in matching recliners when I am eighty-five years old talking about how the neighbor mowed the lawn today. So this is a list of women who exemplify what I find beautiful and amazing and fascinating. Here is the list from 2004, the last time I posted it.

# 10: Kate Beckinsale
# 9: Beth Orton
#8: Martina Hingis
#7: Parker Posey
#6: Gwyneth Paltrow
#5: Kirsten Dunst
#4: Neko Case
#3: Kelly Willis
#2: Natalie Portman
#1: Julie Delpy

On the whole, I’m still pretty happy with the list. Kate Beckinsale has fallen off as I hate the roles she has taken as of late. I’m pretty sure that starring in an Adam Sandler comedy pretty much disqualifies you from being viewed as attractive in my mind. If she makes Last Days of Disco Part 2 then maybe we’ll talk.

I know I discussed Neko as a voice crush but really Beth Orton is truly my voice crush. I’m the only music critic who named Comfort of Strangers album of the year and I still find her voice to be the most amazing thing around. It is beautifully flawed with nooks and crevices that provides mystery to the simplest song. That’s not something you say about someone like Kelly Clarkson.

Martina Hingis (who is Czech, not Swiss) would probably still be on the list as I need there to be at least one nice Czech girl I could marry and make my family happy. The rest would all be supermodels and to be honest, I’d prefer a tennis player. I could add Lisa Hannigan to the list to provide a nice Irish girl as well for symmetry. Parker Posey and Gwyneth Paltrow could be on the list or could maybe drop. They both exemplify qualities I love (indie coolness and intelligent grace, respectfully) but they might not deserve that ranking.

Kirsten Dunst is an interesting case as she is falling fast. Not as much due to anything she’s done and more due to the fact that I saw a picture of her feet online and, well, they made you rethink things. See, this is something Dante never had to deal with. He could love Beatrice from afar and not have to worry about coming across pictures of the love of his life online featuring a foot rash so severe that I’d be in a doctor’s office and not wearing sandals on a red carpet. Also, she’s lost too much weight and seems to think that the Spider-Man franchise revolves around Mary Jane, which costs her serious points.

The top four would still be my top four. Maybe a slightly different order. Neko could be third just due to her overall coolness. Julie and Natalie would be first or second and I could just flip a coin to figure who would win. Given that my new laptop is named Natalie while my old one was Julie that’s probably a sign though to be honest I’d actually mesh better with Julie. Still, those are my top four.

You might notice that I didn’t mention Kelly yet. There’s a reason. A very good reason. Because I just got back from seeing her in concert and I’m still bouncing off the walls. A full story in the next post, complete with pictures. Including the most awesomest picture ever. Stay tuned.

Oh, and 4th and Inches ruled

Woo hoo! It’s Madden Day! Time for me to, well, plan a trip to Best Buy to pick up the game. Yeah, I know, I can stay up to midnight for Harry Potter but not for Madden. Call it old age, call it a need to go to work in the morning, call it an unnerving feeling of being a sensible adult. At some point video games should not be the focal point of one’s life.

But as the above image shows, video games have been at the center of my entire life. For those of you not old enough to remember that is a picture from the original Atari game called quite simply “Football”. No team names, no jerseys, hell, you only had four players to a side three of whom would block and go out for passes on the same play. I wouldn’t want to guess how many days I spent playing this game with my little brother, always ending up in a fight because he would take full advantage of being able to control the pass while in the air. I’m not kidding, as opposed to having the pass go in a straight line you could control it and angle it, thus causing physically impossible plays to occur. It upset my eight year old logical mind greatly. Well, that and losing to a five year old.

My favorite football game of all time was one not many people played. It was a computer game called Front Page Sports Football and it was without a doubt the most realistic game I ever played. It sucked as an arcade game but if you wanted strategy and play calling and the ups and downs of running a team this was the game for you. I knew this wasn’t going to be your typical game when after my first game I received notification that my free safety and best defender had suffered a career ending injury. That puts things in perspective.

I pretty much lived and died with this game for much of college. You had various league options (including a NFL sim) but I would typically take the 12 team league and convert it into the Big 10. Well, the Big 10 plus New Illinois, a team I built after getting sick of losing as the Illini, which isn’t much different from real life. I led my New Illinois [Very Politically Incorrect Nickname Redacted, let’s just say that we played at Custer Memorial Stadium] team in an out and out vendetta against the rest of the league. As you could draft and build your team to cater to your playing style I ended up with the four best linebackers in the league and corners who could cover but were slow as hell. This led to my brilliant “blitz the linebackers on every down” gameplan where I just dared the other team to try to stop it. There was nothing better than Rory O’Connell, my star middle linebacker, clobbering a quarterback and injuring him.

(Yes, I remember the name of a fictional player in a video game I played over a decade ago. One of my favorite sports moments real, simulated or pro wrestling, was when I was down four with thirty seconds to go and Rory caused a fumble and Gary Black, my cover corner who couldn’t run, picked up the ball and ran it in for the winning touchdown. I probably shouldn’t admit any of this in public.)

The other brilliant part of this game was the full offense and defense play building capability. My little brother, always one to exploit a flaw when available, developed a full wishbone offense that could barely be defended. On top of that he actually drew up the Daffy Duck formation, which is a real play where the center and quarterback line up on one side and the rest of the team is on the other. Quick pass to a running back or receiver and a guaranteed first down. That’s how cool this game was and it ran on a mid-90’s PC.

Now I basically pick up Madden occasionally and NCAA Football always. I manually update the Notre Dame roster though this year I’ve been a little slow at it. Mainly because I don’t think I’ll be able to lead them to a national championship. Still, there will always be something cool about playing a football video game. I know people will ask when will I grow up but I’ve been playing video games since I was seven years old. I’ve been playing almost as long as I’ve been reading books and to be honest, I wouldn’t think of giving either of them up.

Lost in the supermarket

(If you haven’t checked out the comments for yesterday’s post you really should. Either I’ve been punk’d or my blog has taken on a level of popularity that is beyond my control. Or I’m beginning to turn into one of my favorite bands who are big overseas but can’t get any press in the States.)

So, after getting back from the airport yesterday I was too tired and/or lazy to do anything other than sit around and watch television. This was a slight problem as I have no food in my apartment and needed to go grocery shopping. I ended up going tonight and I almost never go grocery shopping on a weeknight. It is always a Saturday morning task where I get to stumble around groggily and pick items at random. Also, it is slightly less crowded than during the week, mainly because when you live next to bars not much happens early on a Saturday morning.

This meant that tonight the entire vibe was different during my shopping experience and it leads to an interesting question. Now I have always heard of people meeting the love of their life while buying milk or getting a date in the frozen food section but I have no idea how one would actually go about that. Tonight all I could think of was going up to someone and saying, “You like food? I like food too! Wanna make out?” Somehow I didn’t get the sense that it would be a successful tactic.

(Yeah, and the casting director for The Pick Up Artist said that “I didn’t the match the profile they were looking for.” Apparently I have too much skill for that show, which has now entered the “always record” area of my Tivo. I’m going to do a running review of a few episodes soon. The humor and cringe potential here are pretty much unmatched.)

Otherwise I am just sitting here at that point in the summer where it is just effing hot. Like triple digit heat index every day for two weeks hot. Days where you just can’t get up to do anything and walking into your car just sucks the life out of you. Especially if your car has a dark interior and you end up parking on the roof of a parking garage like I have on more than one occasion. Part of me likes hot weather just to see if I can handle adversity. My bigger issue is that I still view summer in Chicago terms where it might be hot during the day but it will cool off at night. It’s still ninety degrees outside right now. It shouldn’t be that warm when it is dark out. It seems totally unfair that you can’t sit out on your porch on a summer night without risking heat exhaustion. Oh well, I’ll just be complaining about the lack of snow in a few months anyway…

(And they have my beloved Lindsay cleaning toilets? That’s it, time to form the rescue party. It’s much like forming Voltron except we use bottles of Absolut.)

Comments...I got comments...

I have to say, the comments section on the blog has gotten quite a bit interesting as of late. Now I want to state up front that I really don’t care what people write in the comments. As long as they pass the human being filter I’m pretty much game for whatever anyone wants to share. This also means that I am open to people promoting their own work on my blog. Just when you do, at least make it clear that you actually read the posting. The writer from Ireland did that and it was one of the coolest things that has happened to me for a while. The comment promoting the Judy Garland newsgroup, not so much. Especially when you go to pitch.com and read their review of the same concert and see that the exact same comment posted there as well. I’m all for promotions, just as long as it is not the cut and paste variety.

(Actually, if you do check the Pitch review the pictures in it are Forester’s, one of the many trivia compatriots that I have assembled over the years. We are seemingly everywhere.)

On the other, more realistic comment, I wouldn’t say that Neko Case is my voice crush. She’s more along the lines of my “every ounce of my being” crush. The type where in the real world I claim to be smitten but what that means is that I’d follow her around like a sad puppy dog ruining any possible chance that I would even theoretically have. Obviously, I’m speaking from experience here. Basically, I’ve just always found Neko to be one of the coolest people around. She’s just so normal on stage and so cool and confident with so much talent it is incredible. I’m not joking when I say that the female lead in my novel (which I am going to start writing in, yikes, two months) is based partially on Neko. Which is more than enough of a reason to post another picture of her.

And I did see Julie making the top search terms in Yahoo, which was just hysterical. First, I have to point out that Yahoo doesn’t actually list the top search terms on their engine. You really wouldn’t want to see that list. Trust me, I know of which I speak. What they really show are terms that had a massive percent change from the previous day. Now I am partly to blame for that just due to my regular Julie Delpy web crawls but there is a more legitimate reason for her newfound popularity.

See, she has a new movie coming out called 2 Days in Paris that she wrote, directed and starred in as well as composed most of the music. It is about a young couple spending two days in Paris talking about their relationship, which seems to be the exact same plot as Before Sunset. I did read a review of it and the conclusion was “it doesn’t suck nearly as much as you would expect.” Because even as a fan I wonder about her writing, directing and acting at the same time. Remember, this is an actress who recorded a CD of original songs in something other than her native language. Julie writing songs in English is much like my writing my novel in French. Points for effort and style but the little mistakes make you wonder why you bought it in the first place.

Anyway, the movie is opening in KC at the end of the month so I’ll see it then. I mean, I still think she is an amazing actress and beautiful and I still have three movie posters in my apartment that feature her. As I get older and she gets older I still find her beautiful just in different ways. In Before Sunrise she was this ethereal French beauty, the type of girl you dream of seeing from afar. In Before Sunset she became the neurotic, somewhat flighty, woman whose flaws now accentuate her and give her depth. And what the hell, I’ll post a picture of her as well.

The five random CDs for the week (even though I still haven’t finished all the discs from last week):
1) Death Cab For Cutie “Transatlanticism”
2) Neko Case “Fox Confessor Brings the Flood”
3) Henry Rollins “Talk is Cheap Volume 4”
4) Wilco “Kicking Television”
5) The Subdudes “Primitive Streak”

Knock Loud I'm Home

(Hey, the video worked so the Wednesday Night Music Club is in full effect. See, it’s just like Sheryl Crow except that this is based on talent and skill and ability as opposed to solely good hair. I know people don’t like the fact that I rip on Sheryl Crow all the time but after what she did to Lance Armstrong I feel she deserves it. She really busted his ball….

[Crickets]

Oh, give me a break. It’s late.)

Yep, it’s a very late night post as I just got back from seeing Rufus Wainwright and the lovely and talented Neko Case. It was a casino show, which even made Neko comment on how a) this was her first performance in a casino and b) the free turkey buffet was mighty satisfying. To be honest, this was one of the best shows I’ve seen at Harrah’s. Sound was good, as it typically is, but I was also able to get a beet in a timely fashion and the crowd was really cool. There was a minimum number of refugees from the slot machines making their way to see the performance carting their bottle of oxygen and carton of menthol lights with them. In fact, it was more of a trivia night out on the town as I ran into four other regulars at the show. See, we can do more than just answer questions on celebrity gossip.

(Though did you hear the rumor that My Beloved Lindsay may be preggers? Who’s the father? And what are the odds that the baby would be born with either a tail or gills?)

Anyway, it was a great show. You can never really fault Rufus Wainwright for his performances because he will just go all out every time. It’s not just that he decides to do some Judy Garland songs in his performance. It’s that he’ll also cover them while dressed as Judy Garland, complete with high heels and a fedora. He had a slightly different band than I’ve seen with him before but the horn section was a very nice addition. Made for a different and much fuller sound. Not sure if it matches when he had Shannon McNally and Jane Wasser singing backup but just a really solid performance.

Neko was awesome as always. It’s not like I’ll ever say anything different; I pretty much adore everything that she does. There’s something about her voice that just hits me the right way. I could listen to it all night and it truly does sound better late at night in a dark smoky club. It needs that dangerous edge to bring out the sultriness. That ties in with the fact that her music is pretty simple. I’m not sure if simple is the right word (since Jon Rauhouse does some incredible pedal steel guitar for her), maybe clean is more of what I’m going for. There’s very little artifice going on. She takes the stage wearing jeans, the banter between the band and the crowd is natural, and the focus is really on Neko and her voice. There’s no bling to the show and that’s what makes it so cool.

So tonight was Neko Case (ranked 4th on my Perfect Mate list) and next week is Kelly Willis (ranked 3rd on my Perfect Mate list). Now all I need to do is run into Natalie Portman while grocery shopping and have Julie Delpy stop by because the mailman delivered a letter to the wrong address and my month will be perfect. Hey, if you dream it it will come true, right? Isn’t that what that book they keep on pushing on me at Border’s says? At some point the universe will have to come around to my point of view.

Until then, have a great weekend everyone.

The Past and Future of Music

So I’ve been given an offer to buy the farmland where they held Woodstock. Only 8 million and I think there is some potential here. I’ve got a pretty solid business plan. After salting the earth to insure that nothing could ever possibly grow there I plan on paving the entire thing over. Put up a couple of strip malls, maybe a nice industrial processing plant, or even one of those waste incinerator plants where they burn garbage to make electricity. I think high voltage lines and the fumes of rotting garbage piles would truly make the New Woodstock experience. For the music component, I envision loudspeakers constantly playing music written by computers about robots. All day, all night, just beeps and bloops and ballads to the awesomeness that is R2-D2.

I know what you’re all thinking. “But won’t all the hippies get mad?” Yeah, but what the hell are they going to do about it? Nothing, just like they always do. Most overrated, overhyped, non-influential generation in the history of the planet. Worst case scenario is that they try to organize a march and all I’ll have to do is tell them that Phish is playing a few towns over and the protest will break down much like their vans.

Yeah, as you can see I really don’t like hippies.

Switching gears, there is either something brand new and never before seen on the blog or this section is going to be rather meaningless. See, I’ve decided to launch a new feature to the blog and that is New Music Wednesdays. Because Tuesdays are just passé. Anyway, if this works I’ll have embedded an entire Frames concert thanks to my friends at fabchannel.com. If it doesn’t work, it’s probably Blogger/Google issues. The fact that I had to do a concert and not just a song like I planned is thanks to my friends at fabchannel being a little lazy with authorizing my login. The idea is each week I’ll post a different band or song to highlight what I’m listening to and just help to promote people who need more fans than they have.

(This might also mean some format changes to the blog in order to embed YouTube posts. Given that I’ve used the same default format for almost three years it is time for a change.)

The reason I’ve started with The Frames is due to an article in USA Today I read in the cafeteria at work yesterday. First of all, thanks to the kind soul who leaves the paper there as it does make lunch bearable for me. Anyway, the article was about the film Once and it talked about how Fox is now getting behind the film and is trying for a wider release. To me, that is awesome as it is one of my favorite films of the year and is just simple and sweet and happy and very seldom will you hear me promoting happy films. There are a whole lot of dark films by European directors in my collection, which has caused dates to look through my films and decide that staying in and watching a movie just isn’t a good idea.

But the main reason I’m happy for a wider release is that it will give more publicity to The Frames, who have probably been my favorite band for the past three years. Just great passionate music with a lot of style. Enjoy the music, unless the clip doesn’t embed. In that case it will be enjoy it next week after I work on debugging the code.

Real Men of Genius

Item 287 on my list of pet peeves at the office: People who decide to use the decaf pot to make ultra-strong coffee. Typically this is just an issue because I’m the only person in the office who drinks decaf, due to a memorable conversation with a doctor in which the words “heart” and “explode” were used in the same sentence. Today marked what might be a new high or low in the coffee wars as I know that I went to brew decaf coffee in the decaf pot. When I got there someone remarked that it certainly looked strong. I thought maybe it just looks off, though decaf typically doesn’t resemble motor oil. I mean, I put the pot with the orange lid in the machine fifteen minutes earlier with decaf coffee in the holder so obviously this pot would be decaf. Right?

Well, if my tremors, headaches and overall feelings of crapiness are any indication that was really strong coffee. Seriously, who the hell changes out coffee pots while the machine is brewing? This annoys me to no end. I’m sorry that people get upset that I use the coffee machine for decaf just because I really, really shouldn’t have any caffeine. I kicked that habit seven years ago and my body just won’t let me down the stuff anymore. So please, let me just have one pot of decaf. Otherwise I have to go to a coffee shop and pay a couple of bucks for warm, bitter water and if I’m going to be forced to pay for something warm and bitter I’ll start drinking Guinness again.

(And I gave up Guinness because I, uh, had one really long night at the bar and went past my limit for the night and consumed my quota for the next four years. Getting a break up email will do that to you. It wasn’t even an original email, she just replied to one I had sent her a few weeks earlier. I apparently was even worth the effort to hit “write mail”. That bugs me more than the breakup ever did.)

Switching topics, I agree with the comment on the last post. I so need to make a t-shirt folding machine. I should run out and by foamcore right now. As someone whose wardrobe consists almost entirely of t-shirts, some retro as a fashion statement and others retro as in I first wore them during the first Bush presidency, I could definitely use a device to quickly fold my t-shirts neatly. Of course, they’d just get wrinkled when I took the third shirt from the bottom out in the drawer and not even both to lift the others up. I figure a pulley system should be sufficient to solve that problem though.

Actually, that’s an even better idea. How about I line my bedroom (and probably my dining room as well due to the scale of the problem) with a clothesline and then I’ll hang all of my t-shirts from them. This way I won’t have to deal with the pesky “drawer” problem. All of the items will be easily within reach at all times and given enough binder clips I bet I wouldn’t get wrinkles either. Hell, wouldn’t even have to pay for decorations, just have my clothes lining the walls. This might be my best idea since building a generator out of those drinking birds from physics class.

(That’s not a joke, I’ve drawn blueprints. A device that creates mechanical energy without pollution can easily be converted into a power source. I just need a lot of drinking birds to light up my apartment. I figure that I can save money if I don’t put hats on all of them.)

See, this is what happens when I have caffeine…

21st Century Digital Boy

Great news as I received my first international comment on the blog today. Well, at least the first international comment by someone I don’t personally know. It’s on the post where I discuss that Harry Potter could only take place in England and it is, well, interesting. Cool comment from an irish writer who happens to plug her book series on young wizards in the comment itself. Given the degree to which I pimp my blog, which goes up to and includes wearing a t-shirt that states “nobody reads my blog”, I fault no one for going the extra step for publicity.

However, the question as to just how people stumble across this site continues to baffle me. There are the people that I’ve told about it so I can understand those visitors. Theoretically there may be people typing “battling the current” into Google and then think that my blog is the best source of information for when you are heading upstream in life. But otherwise, how in the world do people end up here? I can’t imagine what they think other than “This dude apparently really, really likes Lindsay Lohan. And he could really use an editor.”

(That said, I am not technically lying when I say that I’ve created one of the most popular blogs around. According to Technorati, I typically rank in the top 2-5% of blogs on the internet. That’s the impressive stat that I always mention. I conveniently leave out that there are currently 93 million blogs (no joke), so I’m not as popular as I would like.)

That’s not the only strange online happening for me this week. I checked out my horribly neglected Myspace page and found this interesting message. It was from Kristal who described herself as a 25 year old girl who just moved to KC and was interested in meeting someone older and more mature. She said that she checked out my profile and saw that I was a cutie and would like me to send her a message and/or check out her webpage.

Now I know this is a scam and a fake profile. Not just because of the “Oh, come visit my other page.” Not because of the sheer insanity of a girl deciding to pick up a guy because she liked his MySpace profile. No, it’s because she said she looked at my profile and saw that I was a cutie.

I’ve been described as a cutie before, including by a St. Mary’s girl, but I wouldn’t go so far as call myself the sexiest man alive. Brad Pitt portraying me in a movie, that would exemplify awesomeness to the point that they would have to create another word for it. But looking at the picture in my profile on MySpace I wouldn’t call myself a cutie. That’s because there isn’t a single picture of me on the entire page. The picture in my profile is of Snoopy and sure Joe Cool is exactly what his name says he is you probably wouldn’t make a judgment about a person based on that picture. (Well, actually you would but it isn’t a good one.)

Still, you could always hope that someone would fall for you based on your incredible skill at web page design. Probably as likely as falling in love while buying groceries and that happens all the time. But it’s just not my preferred method.

(By the way, I’ve only watched a bit of The Pick Up Artist and I’ve quickly decided that this will be the greatest show of all time. A bunch of geeks, losers and dweebs are mentored by three Master Pick Up Artists (which is apparently an official title now) so that one day they too can claim the title. Will Mystery, J-Dog and The Matador be able to whip these guys into shape? How many times will you cringe while watching guys with worse games than I have? Why am I taking notes throughout the show? How did my agent miss this casting call? We’ll find out all of those answers and more thanks to VH-1, where music comes….well, nowhere I guess. There will at least be some playing in the background of the clubs at least. Maybe that counts.)

Best. Episodes. Ever.

Here it is, my list of the top 20 Simpsons episodes of all time. I compiled it mainly by going though the episode guides that I have available. Technically those only make it through Season 12 but to be honest, I don’t know if there is an episode after that season that deserves consideration. Well, maybe the one where Bart answers the question of whether he understands girls with “Girls are easy, state capitals are hard.” Anyway, here is the list, with my vaguely witty comments and explanations


#20: Day of the Jacknape: Just because “I too was at the flower shop. Yep, getting drunk at the good old flower shop” is part of my daily conversation. Good Sideshow Bob episode with a brainwashed Bart trying to kill Krusty.

#19: There’s No Disgrace Like Home: The best of the early episodes. It’s the one where the family goes into counseling and all they end up doing is shocking each other to the point that the electrical grid fails. The first example of this show being way different than any other cartoon.

#18: Last Exit to Springfield: Homer takes over the union at the power plant after they choose to take a keg of beer over a dental plan, which would be useful since Lisa needs braces. Not the funniest episode of the series but probably the best in terms of social satire. I’ve seen a master’s thesis written on this episode and you can’t say that about Voltron. Well, not until I get my professor to sign off on it.

#17: Brother from the Same Planet: Bart gets a Big Brother because he is sick of his dad and Homer gets a son as well. Best remembered for the end exchange

Bart: “Dad, remember when Tom had you in that headlock and you screamed “I’m a hemophiliac” and when he let you go you kicked him in the back?”
Homer: “Yeah?”
Bart: “Will you teach me how to do that?”
Homer: “Sure boy. First, you gotta shriek like a woman and keep sobbing til he turns away in disgust. That’s when it’s time to kick some back.”

Still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

#16: Deep Space Homer: Homer is an astronaut. Gets included only because the Inanimate Carbon Rod always gets my vote for favorite Simpsons character. “Don’t thank me. Thank this inanimate carbon rod.”

#15: Mr. Plow: Mr. Plow, that’s my name, that name again is Mr. Plow

#14: Saturdays of Thunder: The soapbox derby episode and probably my favorite Martin episode. “Deploy, damn you, deploy” has also entered my lexicon along with Martin having to warn Bart not to drive into the crowd or he’ll kill innocent bystanders and Bart replying “Yes, kill innocent bystanders.”

#13: Homer’s Barbershop Quartet: I don’t think anyone would have expected this episode to hold up as well as it has. It’s the best of the flashback episodes and has a heart as well as a shot at Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

#12: Radioactive Man: “The goggles! They do nothing!”

#11: Itchy and Scratchy Land: Sure, it’s a Jurassic Park parody. But the “land where nothing could possib-lie go wrong” has its moments. Especially the Bort license plates.

#10: Whacking Day: Homer’s ninja training to attack snakes is only topped by the appearance of Barry White.

#9: Homer at the Bat: The fabled softball team episode. One of those awesome guest star episodes where you wonder who thought up the idea of “Wade Boggs and Barney getting into a bar brawl around who was the greatest prime minister of England?”

#8: The Mysterious Voyage of Homer: The chili episode featuring the most freaked out, trippy section the series has ever had. Also the only time spirit animals have ever been discussed on television where the laughter invoked was intentional.

#7: Homer the Great: Stonecutters. Don’t have to say anything more.

#6: I Love Lisa: The best Ralph Wiggum episode and filled with great lines. The mediocre presidents song, Sideshow Raheem, “I’m married to the sea”, “I Choo-Choo-Choose You”, “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” All of the wonder of Ralph along with some heartbreak as well.

#5: Cape Feare: Always try to watch the original version of this episode over the syndicated version. You need to see the entire Sideshow Bob versus the rake scene for it to make sense. The best example of a joke being funny, then boring, then unbearable and finally the funniest thing you’ve ever seen by just repeating the punchline.

#4: Rosebud: Mr. Burns yearns to be reunited with his childhood toy Bobo. Also famous for being the episode with the line “Have the Rolling Stones killed.”

#3: Bart the Lover: Bart creates a fictional boyfriend for Mrs. Krabappel. Somehow the use of Gordie Howe as the picture of the boyfriend makes the entire episode

#2: Marge Versus the Monorail: Perfect episode all around with the best song they ever did. Apu: “Is there any chance the track might bend?” “Not on your life my Hindu friend.” Best episode written by Conan O’Brien.

#1: You Only Move Twice: Homer moves the family to work for Globex Corporation, which is just slightly trying to take over the world. Has about three dozen of the funniest lines ever including the motivational properties of Tom Landry’s hat and where to buy a hammock. I’d honestly like to work for Globex


I could probably write twenty pages about all of this. But this is a good shot at my favorites. Which one did I miss? Other than Frank Grimes. How the hell did that not make the list?

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Sarah McLachlan “Solace
2) Jeff Buckley “Live at Sin-E”
3) Leonard Cohen “The Essential Leonard Cohen”
4) The Police “Live”
5) Peter Gabriel “Us”